The Couple Recovery Development Approach

7/31/2019 The Couple Recovery Development Approach

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The Couple Recovery Development Approach: Its

Timeadapted from an article byDr. Bob Navarra

Couple Recovery: There is a path to follow

Many people and events over the last eight years have contributed to my interest

and commitment to researching and exploring the concept of helping relationships

where one or both partners are in recovery from chemical dependency. My firm

belief is that individual and couple recovery approaches are not mutually exclusive.

We know from research that long-term successful recovery from alcoholism has a

strong correlation with a positive and healthy relationship. That really isnt surprising

if one thinks about it, but what is surprising is why we dont account for that variable

in treatmentsooner than later in the recovery process.

Certainly there are circumstances when the relationship will need to take a back seat

with efforts focused on individual recovery, but even then, it can be helpful to give

couples strategies to manage these times. In active addiction, the elephant is the

unspoken reality of that addiction. When couples are managing recovery, I dont think

we need to create a new elephant by discouraging and avoiding the reality of recovery

in their lives.

Mike had been in recovery for almost 15 years and recalls how difficult the first year

of recovery was, on him and especially on his relationships with his wife and family.

He states that he wished he had been able to talk to his wife about some of what washappening for him and in the relationship. Instead, the advise they received at Mikes

treatment program was to focus on their individual recoveries only. They followed

this advise, remaining silent on the recovery issue and on all the changes they were

experiencingrecovery was off-limits. He was to work his program, she was to work

on hers. Ellen too regrets that they didnt have the tools to even acknowledge the huge

changes taking place in themselves, their relationship and in their family. They now

have those tools and for the first time feel they are a couple in recovery, they feel

closer together, and support the idea of Couple Recovery sooner not later in the

recovery process.

I am a therapist and researcher. A brief bio: I have specialized in chemicaldependency treatment since 1987 in my private practice; I have completed two

addiction certifications, Advanced Drug and Alcohol Training (UC Santa Cruz) and

Master Addiction Counselor (National Certification); I have trained with leaders in

the field; worked as a clinical director of a drug and alcohol clinic; and did my

doctoral dissertation on long-term recovery process in couple relationships as a part of

the Family Recovery Project, directed by Co-Founders Stephanie Brown, Ph.D. and

Virginia Lewis, Ph.D., at the Mental Research Institute in Palo Alto. The

overwhelming consensus in the field has been that doing couples work in early

recovery was a bad idea. Over time, in my work with individuals and couples in all

stages of addiction and recovery, I came to see that not addressing couples issues wasin fact a critical oversight. It isnt couples work that is the problem, it is how to
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approach the couples work that becomes the central issue. Assessment is core to

determine what kind of approaches are appropriate in any given situation.

Relationships dont go away once a person begins recovery, wouldnt it be better to

account for that reality in recovery?

After I completed my dissertation and completed my doctorate I was invited by Dr.Virginia Lewis to stay at Mental Research Institute as a Research Associate. We co-

founded Center for couples in Recovery. The research continued and I learned that the

skills used by couples in long-term recovery could in fact be adapted to couples early

in the recovery process. My clinical experience in individual couple therapy and

multi-couple therapy groups was confirming that Couple Recovery indeed had a

place, even in early recovery. As I shared my model at professional conferences at the

American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, and the California

Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, the feedback from therapists was

consistently positive as we raised the issue: Why arent we helping couples in

addiction recovery?

Trust is basic to the foundation of any significant relationship; its really hard to

imagine anybody feeling comfortable in a relationship where trust has been

consistently broken. How do couples affected by addiction deal with the ongoing

issue of trustor more to the point mistrust? Many addicts and alcoholics in recovery

will often focus on one day at a time, the position that one cant guarantee never using

again, all one can do is take recovery day by day, or perhaps hour by hour. So what

does this mean to the partner who is being told, or simply knows and understands that

reality?

Tom had been struggling with his wifes recovery from alcoholism from the start. At

first he felt tremendous relief when she began going to AA meetings and reassured

him of her commitment to deal with her drinking problem. Tom found that his relief

was soon replaced by increasing anxiety, plagued by a relentless internal and silent

stream of anxiety fueled by questions he couldnt turn off: Are her eyes blood-shot,maybe shes tired, or has she been drinking? Why isnt she home, the meeting was

over 40 minutes ago? Will she drink if I tell her how angry I really am at the mess

her drinking has caused? Will she drink because of the stress she feels at work? Is

that alcohol I smell on her breath or is it the new toothpaste she bought?Why did

she buy new tooth paste?

Jana knew her husband struggled with trust, and while she could understand hisanxiety, she also resented it. From Janas perspective she was doing everything she

could to work her program, stay sober, manage a high pressure job as a mid-level

manager in a major accounting firm, and tend to the thousand other things on her

plate. What bothered Jana the most was that Toms mistrust was starting to feel like

the new elephant in the living roomthey both knew it was there, but nobody was

talking about it. Their relationship felt as off balance as it did before Jana stopped

drinking, just in a different way.

Tom didnt want to upset Jana, but sometimes he couldnt hold back the questions or

the extended looks that communicated the fear and anxiety he was feeling. Jana felt

guilty about her alcoholism and felt that she owed Tom a lot of patience, but it was


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becoming increasingly difficult for her to deal with the tension every time something

triggered Toms fears.

We discussed their feelings in a therapy session. I told Jana and Tom that their

struggles with trust were normal for a couple in recovery, especially early recovery.

Things do not get automatically better when a partner gets into recovery, in fact, newproblems emerge, and problems in the relationship that have lain dormant start to re-

emerge. While old problems may need to be put away a bit longer for now, current

feelings and struggles with trust need to be dealt with in the here and now.

What strategies might help Tom and Jana?

1. Tom needed to learn more about co-alcoholism and how to deal with his owncontrol and fear issues regarding Janas recovery. Through education, group

support, and an awareness of Toms own recovery issues, Tom would get

better at recognizing and managing his feelings and accept he cannot control

recovery outcomes for Jana.2. At the same time, there is a place to discuss feelings here with a model of

managing feelings that breaks from traditional stay on your own side of the

street advise. I encouraged Tom to share his feelings and to ask for what he

needed when it concerned his own recovery, not Janas. The formula starts

with: stating what is happeningexpressing feelingsasking for what youneed. For example, when Tom thought Janas eyes looked bloodshot and that

worried him, I told Tom he could say, I noticed your eyes look blood -shot.

This makes me anxious and brings back old feelings. That may be all he

would want to say stating, I just want you to know what I am feeling and

why. He may need more, however, and add the question I would like to

know if you did drink last night after the meeting. I realize this approach

breaks with current conventional thinking about codependency, and Jana could

lie anyway, but this process at least brings the question out in the open, rather

than leaving it unspoken and lingering. The rule in most alcoholic families

is that members cant talk about what they see and what they feelI believe

recovery is about doing the opposite.

3. I encouraged Jana to not respond defensively and to try to understand that it isunderstandable that Tom is going to struggle with trust because drug and

alcohol dependency patterns almost always includes patterns of deceit and

lying, as the dependent person struggles with their own loss of control and

inability to stop. This certainly was the case with Janas drinking history andher attempts to hide and deny her drinking from Tom.

I dont ask partners to trust each other or to expect trust, I ask them to

share what their struggles are in a non blaming way and to normalize

those struggles.

I stated, Of course Tom is not feeling trust, given the toll that al coholism has

taken on trust, but if couples can manage it, it is helpful to the recovering

couples relationship when partners can begin to share what concerns them

and know that their partner will try to hear and respond to those concerns. So

Jana you could state, When you look at me that way and worry about merelapsing, I feel hurt and frustrated that you may not see how hard this is and


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how hard I really am working, but I would rather you tell me what you are

thinking then silently holding it in and withdrawingthat makes me even

more tense.

Is this codependent? I could see an argument for viewing this approach as

codependent if the motivation for Jana and Tom to share feelings and ask thesequestions is to control or manipulate. What we are aiming for here is trying to

establish a way for partners to express what they see, what they feel, and what they

needas long as it is not about trying to control their partners recovery.

If Tom is concerned that Jana missed a meeting this week, I could imagine standardadvise as, Thats her program, she needs to work on that; You need to work on your

own program. Not bad advise, but another approach could be for Tom to focus on

sharing his feelings about this WITHOUT having a goal to change her behavior. For

example, I noticed you missed a meeting this week. I realize this is your program

and that you are in charge of, but I have to say I do get a little anxious when you miss

a meeting. I would encourage Jana just to listen and acknowledge Toms feelings.Ican understand why you would feel that.

Trust (and recovery) really is a balancing act. There will be times and circumstances

to not to have the above type of conversation, but I am hoping couples will work at

trying to find that balance so that recovery does not become the new elephant in the

living room.

Recovering Couples: When You Take the FUN Outof DysFUNction

Are We Having Fun Yet?

Margaret and James used to have a good time togetherthat is when they were both

drinking. They had quite a ritual, with both coming home from work around the same

time they would begin their daily pattern of happy hour. For many alcoholic couples,

happy hour doesnt stay happy as alcohol begins to change moods, temperaments, and

judgment, all leading to unhappy hour. This wasnt the case for James and

Margaret. They rarely fought during their happy hour and often had lively

conversations filled with laughter. They both saw this time as a time to bond.

Drinking time was a fun time for them, often lasting several hours. After dinner, well

not so much fun, with both falling asleep usually watching television. Drinking wasnt

so fun always at other times either as health issues for Margaret and escalating work-

related difficulties for James led to poor performance reviews. James sales position

required some evening and at home work which simply wasnt happening.
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Remarkably, both Margaret and James decided to stop drinking at just about the same

time, and both began working a recovery program. They both went to AA and

eventually found sponsors. What surprised them both was that their relationship

satisfaction dropped after they stopped drinking. James had about 8 months of

sobriety and Margaret with 10 months when they started couples therapy. James

discouraged, commented, Boy is recovery a buzz kill, literally! Arent relationshipssupposed to get better? Why arent we having more fun? Margaret nodded her head

in perplexed agreement. This was a great question, and not an uncommon issue or

concern for couples in early and in ongoing recovery.

The couples that do best over time find ways to establish new rituals of connectionand find ways to celebrate and have fun that dont involve drinking or drugging. This

is especially difficult when couples have relationships with their families of origin,

and one or both of those families have highly ingrained rituals around drinking , with

no model of how to be together and have fun without substances. Un-recovered

family alcoholism presents a major issue to confront when individuals try to establish

recovery in their lives and still be a part of their family where drinking is central.

What do you two do for fun now that you no longer drink? I asked after hearing

about their former happy hour (or two) nightly get together. Well, Margaret

replied, We tried continuing our happy hour time with non-alcoholic drinks. How

has that gone? I asked, kind of knowing what the answer would likely be. James

chimed in, I dont know what to talk about. We just sit there like we dont have

anything in common anymore. Sorry honey as he looked at Margaret, but its

really kind of boring. Margaret started to get defensive, but then had to admit that

she really wasnt having a good time either.

Time to Establish Some New Rituals for Fun

Trying to establish a non-alcohol happy hour just didnt work, too many associations

with their drinking. They both needed to learn how to be together having fun in ways

that didnt involve drinking. Both coming from alcoholic families, neither one had

family experiences to draw on, both families maintained drinking as a central activity

at all family gatherings and celebrations. As we continued our work in therapy,

Margaret and James discussed new activities that they were willing to try together.

For years they both expressed an interest in taking yoga, but drinking always wouldwin out with mutual promises of Next time. Now that they could, they decided to

take a yoga class together, and found that the socialization following class really

opened up their friend network, something long neglected. Margaret and James began

attending parties hosted by the yoga class instructor and other members of the class.

They found themselves open to new ideas about other things they had long talked

about doing but never quite got to. James got his piano keyboard out of the closet and

began to practice again, entertaining ideas of trying to get his old group together .

Who knows, maybe we can actually play some gigs again now that I wont be so

loaded that I insult the club owner.


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It turns out that play is an important drive, hard wired into all brain circuitry. Dr. Jaak

Panksepp, noted psychologist and neuroscientist, writes about the emotional

command systems in the sub cortical structures in our brains that when activated

predictably lead to specific behaviors; play is one of them.

All couples really need to make play a part of their relationship. It doesnt reallymatter what activities they choose as long as they both enjoy it. Also, taking time for

themselves to develop interests, nurturing a playful self is an important part of every

individual recovery program that all too often is overlooked.

Taking the FUN out of dysFUNction means putting the FUN back in FUNctional

recovery.

Swinging Into Recovery From AddictionRecovery Has Its Ups and Downs: Do I Want To Get On?

Several years ago Jerry and Carol (not their real names) came in for couples therapy.

They stated that they had a good marriage, but that they needed a tune up. Jerry

talked about how he felt that stress was impacting their relationship, Carol agreed, but

also expressed concern over Jerrys drinking and wanted him to better control his

drinking, like he used to. Over the next several months we addressed their relationship

concerns, but what emerged as a central issue was the fact that Jerrys alcohol

(mis)use was seriously affecting the marriage, his relationships with his youngchildren, and recently, his work. In our counseling sessions we had explored Jerrys

drinking and where it might fit on the drinking continuum between heavy, abusive,

and dependent. Understandably, the possibility for Jerry and Carol that Jerry had an

alcohol dependency was frightening, but the evidence was mounting. When Jerry

opened the session to talk about his latest drinking episode, he said I have to stop

drinking; I dont feel in control anymore. When we discussed what happened and

what led him to decide that he wanted help to stop drinking, Jerry described what he

remembered about the night.

Jerry attended an important meeting in San Francisco that ended very successfully

with his small company closing a lucrative deal. After the meeting he and two of hiscolleagues decided to celebrate and go out for drinks, something Jerry had not done

before because of his policy not to drink at work-related events. Over the course of

the evening Jerry drank too much, neglected to call Carol, and somehow got home

safely after 2:30 am. The next day Jerry felt tremendous shame and anger at himself,

there were parts of the evening he could not remember and the parts he did remember

were embarrassing. He knew he had hurt Carol and felt like he had hit bottom.

Jerry decided to begin going to AA and agreed to pursue referrals to therapists

specializing in addictions for individual therapy. The decision to get into recovery

from dependency is not an easy one for most people. Self-identifying as an alcoholic

or co-alcoholic is a huge shift in ones identity. Also, learning what works to staysober and manage lifeall at the same timetakes effort and adapting to a new way
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of thinking, behaving, and feeling. It comes with its fits and starts. Carol and Jerry

continued couples therapy, and Carol agreed to begin her own recovery in Al-Anon.

She also attended with a close friend a recovery group with a Christian orientation

that she felt would be a good match for her.

Couples Need Their Own Recovery

Each Person Finds Their Own Way of Moving

Through the Ups & Downs

Carol found the support from her groups extremely helpful. At first she felt

embarrassed, self-conscious and a little guilty that she was somehow telling a secret

about her husbands drinking problem. However, she also felt others understood herand supported her in her recovery and what she needed to do to stay on track in her

recovery.

Jerry too found AA difficult at first. After he committed to go, it still took another 3

weeks before he was able to walk through the door of a meeting. Once he was there

he stated it was easier. He found a sponsor 1 month later and stayed in close contact

with the sponsor. There was one occasion, several months after Jerry started attendingAA, when Jerry experimented with having a glass of wine at the restaurant he and

Carol went to with another couple they were close to. Jerry felt uncomfortable tellingtheir friends that he wasnt drinking, so he had just one glass and made an excuse for

not having more.

Jerry and Carol shared that even at the time both agreed to this plan ahead of time,

that they felt uncomfortable with the decision. While the glass of wine didnt lead to

more drinking, Jerry shared that afterwards he started thinking again about drinking,

and wondering if perhaps he could control his drinking this time. Work with his

sponsor, some additional meetings, and work in our couple sessions all seemed to

help him become clear about the risks and soon he felt clear again about what his

recovery was abouthis commitment to abstinence.

The couples work focused on a number of issues:

Helping Jerry and Carol adjust to the tremendous changes taking place intheir relationship on a day-to-day basis

Exploring ways to support each others recovery without takingresponsibility for itkeeping boundaries clear

Finding a way to talk about how each felt affected by alcohol and theimpact it has had on them personally and in the relationshipwithout

blame or accusation


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Couple Recovery Allows Room for the Relationship

With All of Its and Downs

Carol and Jerry began to find ways to talk about their concerns about all the changesthat were happening in their relationship: what they were going to tell friends and

family about Jerry not drinking anymore; the time away from each other as they both

were involved in their own recoveries; struggles with fears of what the future would

hold, and the ever-present fear of relapse; dealing with some of the baggage from the

past and the impact of alcohol on their relationship, and now the impact of recovery

on their relationship; the awareness that both Carol and Jerry had alcohol issues in

their family of origin, and how this factored into their recoveries and their

relationship.

Central to couple recovery is the focus that each person is responsible for their own

recovery, but both partners are responsible for the relationship. Supporting eachothers recovery doesnt qualify as codependent when boundaries are clear and the

focus is on finding ways to appropriately discuss individual needs and relationship

needs without blame and without taking on all the responsibility. While active alcohol

or drug dependence often becomes the elephant in the room, recovery can become

the new elephant. Every relationship has its ups and downs; recovery aside, what

helps is to find ways to connect that work for both partners

Addiction Recovery: Looking Ahead

Looking Ahead at Recovery: What do you see?

I remember as a kid, we would be on vacation at some scenic observation area on the

way, and there they were: those coin-operated binoculars. I also remember being

absolutely fascinated with those things, thinking how cool they looked, all metal

and indestructible, those beauties could swivel to move the viewing area vertically

and horizontally. All it took was an available binocular and 25 cents.

Somehow, I couldnt seem to appreciate the view until I was able to take a turn. If

they were all being used I would feel impatient, scanning for the one that seemed to

have the shortest line. Except, there werent really lines typically, it was more likepeople milling around either not interested in using the binoculars and simply

standing close to one, or people actually waiting for the next opening.

Even as a kid I knew it was good to have strategies when hoping to get some coveted

time with the viewer on a popular vista. I would scout for the people looking for

change, men digging deep in their pockets and women opening their purses, find

something away from where they are standing. Next, I would check out where the

kids were, they always wanted to use the binoculars. I would be on the lookout for

people hitting the binoculars and yelling out something like Hey, whats the matter

with this thing? It just ate my quarter! Somehow losing 25 cents to a machine

becomes very important to our sense of injustice in those moments. Well anyway,avoid that machine. Finally, when I would actually get my cherished time on the
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binocular, I would really want to make good use of that time, zooming in on every

area within that view. You never really knew for sure just how much time you had, so

every second counted. A little triviathe average time ranges from 1.5 minutes to 2.5

minutes. These devices have been manufactured since the early 1930s by a company

called Tower Optical, they are still in operation and only make about 35 devices a

year. The basic design has never changed and I think they still charge 25 cents.

It turns out that about the same time Tower Optical began producing their viewers that

theories about alcoholism began to emerge. As early as 1930, long before the advent

of family therapy as a field, treatment concerns for the alcoholic focused on the

importance of family interactions in influencing drinking patterns. In the 1940s and

50s psychoanalytic theories focused on the wives of alcoholics, speculating a

relationship between the wifes personality functioning (usually described in negative

terms) and her ending up in a relationship with an alcoholic husband. It wasnt until

the late 1960s when family therapists began applying concepts and theories again to

alcoholism treatment specifically.

When I look ahead at recovery I see us rediscovering what the theorists started with inthe 1930s relationships as a core issue when treating chemical dependency.

Looking at addiction as a family disease should mean treating the whole family.

There is a circular relationship between the addict/alcoholic and the family: each

affects the other. There has been a lot of research on that relationship, and only now

are we beginning to see the importance of that circular relationship in recovery as

well. Recovery means so much more than not using the substance.

Lets imagine that you are standing with other people at an interesting vista. Lets

make the vista the future of recovery and trying to figuring out whats helpful to you

(if you are in recovery) and to other recovering people. Lets further imagine that we

all have a viewer available. Wouldnt it be great if we could share what we see? What

part of the scene jumps out? What is the vision we can share with others. Looking out,

what do we hope to see? Im betting couple recovery is out there, ready to be se en and

rediscovered.

Yours, Mine & Ours (Recovery)

You may remember or heard of the old movie, Yours, Mine and Ours, with LucilleBall and Henry Fonda (1968). A remake starring Dennis Quid and Rene Russo came

out in 2005. The movie was loosely based on the true story of Helen and Frank

Beardsley who had 8 and 10 children respectively at the time their former spouses

died. They ended up marrying and became an instant family of 18 children, an endless

interest to an amazed public. In a most unlikely scenario, apparently things worked

out fairly well for the Beardsleys. They learned how to adapt their life styles and

make things work, requiring creativity, perseverance, and learning what works. So

what does this movie have to do with recovery and couples?

I believe that we are at a new era in addiction recovery. Bringing the relationship into

the process of recovery adds an important dimension of recovery that has the great


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(RCA). Both partners said they were committed to the relationship and would want to

work in ways to manage recovery for the both of them individually and as a couple.

Couples who can talk about relapsethe thing they hope will never happen - are

better equipped to deal and manage with relapse if they are prepared. Hopefully

relapse fears can freely be talked about, and built into an ongoing dialogue.

A Relationship Boost?

Jeff spoke about the deep roots that alcoholism has had in his family. He is an adult

child of two active alcoholic parents and his brother is in recovery from addiction. It

turns out that in his family, despite his parents active alcoholism, not all family

gatherings are so bad. I asked how Fathers Day went, he replied that it actually went

OK. Jeff went on to say that is sister had a great idea that he really liked.

It worked this way. Jeffs sister asked Jeff and their brother to write out 30 separate

positive things about their fatherthese had to be real appreciations and expressing

gratitude for what each person genuinely felt. Jeffs sister took the lists and cut out

each affirmation and put them a nicely decorated jar. The gift they gave their father

was a nicely decorated jar that every day, for 90 days, he could pull from the jar one

of the affirmations that one of them wrote.

Jeff was quite taken with this idea stating, I wish somebody would do that for me.

This exercise in positivity stands in great contrast to the negativity often experienced

in alcoholic families. The challenge is in the ability to find the positive, and to feelone could honestly express gratitude and appreciation to the family member or

partner.

It certainly would have been OK for Jeff to pass on this idea if he didnt feel

comfortable participating. When I asked Jeff about how he felt about writing these

positive things about his father, he replied that it helped him to remember some of the

positive things his father did, He did do some things right. He was there at my sports

events in high school, and has tried to support me through some of my recent

challenges. For Jeff this worked, much like a gratitude list works in AA. Jeff gained

something for himself in the exercise.

Denial is usually thought of in the context of denying addiction. I suppose one could

argue denial could also be related to not acknowledging positivity as well. There is

compelling research that when we are feeling negative about a relationship, awareness

of anything positive about the relationship isnt noticeable or on the radar at all.

Neutral and even positive interactions are viewed as negative.


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Yes Virginia, There is Family Recovery

The blog title is taken from a piece of Christmas folk lore. In 1897 little eight-year-old

Virginia OHanlon wrote a letter to the New York Sun asking for the truth about

whether there really is a Santa Claus, because her friends told her there wasnt. The

editor, Francis P. Church, wrote the following:

Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of askeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be whichis not comprehensible by their little mindsYes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. Heexists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that theyabound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy.

Churches response was an instant sensation and has become one of the most famous

editorials ever written. It was reprinted in the Sun annually, until 1949 when the paperwent out of business.

So what does this have to do with couples and recovery? The long-held belief in

the addiction recovery field has been to keep recoveries separate, each individual is

encouraged to work their own program and stay on your own side of the street. As a

recovery therapist, I cant argue with the emphasis that should be placed on individual

recovery. However, by adding a relationship focus in the recovery process you

address a way of helping couples and families in the transition through the stages of

recovery, in my opinion, is core to a more holistic approach to recovery. My research

on successful long-term recovery processes points to the very important role of couple

and family relationships can have in successful outcomes.

There are many in the field that dont believe in a relational approach to addiction

treatment. To them I would say, Yes, Virginia is right, there is family recovery: Its

exists. Lets work together to help couples and families manage better, and educate

those who dont believe.

What Is Recovery?

Some years ago I remember leading a family group at a drug and alcohol treatment

center. I opened the group with the question: What does it mean to be a family or

couple in recovery? Some people struggled with the idea that the non-addicted

members of the family had some part in going forward in recovery. Until that moment

many partners had viewed their (addicted) loved one as having the problem; the idea

that the non-addicted partner too had recovery issues didnt fit their expectations of

treatment. Either the idea of couple/family recovery never occurred to them, or they

simply admitted to feeling angry about having to take some responsibility for fixing

things given that they werent the ones with the addiction. This feeling is veryunderstandable. The damage to relationships from addiction usually has a history built
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on broken promises, and countless unintended disastrous outcomes. It is like

something destructive has invaded the family unwelcome but unshakable, that is until

recovery. Family members often cling to the hope that once the alcoholic/addict gets

into recovery their lives can finally be normal. What we know from the research is

that while recovery is the end of somethingactive addiction, it is also the start of

somethinga healing process and the beginning of building new relationships infamily and couple life.

Addiction in the family can be thought of like a mobile or wind chime, one of those

hanging art objects that have parts connected by lines, so that when the wind blows all

the parts all move. Think of the family as the parts of a mobile and think of addiction

like the wind. The wind blows and all the pieces are affected. Recovery is like that

too, like addiction recovery affects everybody in the family. All the pieces of the

mobile are still connected, but what moves the pieces is different. Families need to

know that adjusting to these changes takes time. Everything may seem different and

even though the alcoholic isnt drinking, there still are problems, issues and concernsthat need to be addressed: This is normal!

So what is recovery? That is a question that a hundred people might answer a hundred

different ways. I would begin the answer with the idea that individual recovery is

taking stock of how the addiction has impacted oneself and starting to address the

question of what the individual needs to do to keep what is healthy in their lives and

change what isnt healthy. I also would emphasize that the same thing needs to

happen with relationships. How has addiction affected relationships and what changes

will make those relationships healthier?

Documents

The Couple Recovery Development Approach