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Website: www.compassionatefriends.org Page 1
Toll Free Phone: 877-969-0010 Email: [email protected]
Copyright ©The Compassionate Friends, Inc. All rights reserved. TCF National Office: PO Box 3696, Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696
Upcoming Meetings
02/27 – Meeting
03/27 – Meeting
04/24 – Meeting
New Ulm Area Chapter meets the last Mon-
day of each month except December. (2nd
Sunday of Dec. with Candle Lighting.)
Where: Redeemer Lutheran Church, 700 S.
Broadway, New Ulm, MN
When: 7pm-9pm
The printing of this newsletter was
kindly sponsored by Arla & Gerald
Tande in loving memory of their
daughter Wendy, Age 47
THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
SOUTH CENTRAL MINNESOTA CHAPTER
Supporting Family After a Child Dies
Volume 36 Issue #1 New Ulm, MN Feb., Mar., Apr. 2017
INSIDE THIS ISSUE
1 Upcoming Meetings/Mission Statement
2 Reflections
3-5 Love, Missed, Remembered Always
6 Stillbirth, Infant, & Miscarriage
7 Poems & Quotes
8 Article: The Description of Grief
9 Chapter Info. & Other news
10 Community Thoughts
11 Love Gifts
12 Contact Information
Mission Statement: When a child dies, at any age, the family suffers intense pain and may feel hopeless and isolated. The
Compassionate Friends provides highly personal comfort, HOPE, and support to every family experiencing the death of a
son, a daughter, a brother, a sister, or a grandchild and helps others to better assist the grieving family.
HAVE YOU CONSIDERED SPONSORING THE
NEWSLETTER? Sponsoring the newsletter is a
beautiful way to honor your child’s memory. A do-
nation of any amount is acceptable. A photo of your
child (or memento) will be featured on the front
page of the newsletter. Contact local leader for
more information. (See page 12)
Page 2
REFLECTIONS
Dear Compassionate Friends,
As I write this, it is the day after Christmas. I survived yet another year, another Christmas,
without my son. You, too, dear friends, made it through another holiday without your child. It
still feels a bit surreal, doesn’t it? That we could “do” Christmas without our children? That we
could feel both joy and grief simultaneously is still surprising to me. And in less than a week
we will step into a new year.
We have no idea what the new year will hold, but we know with certainty that our grief, and
our love, will follow us into it. We wish, of course, that grief were not part of the equation, but
this is our reality. However, what joy there is in knowing that grief is not all there is! What
peace in knowing that love is greater than grief. Let me say that again: Love is greater than
grief.
Friends, grief waxes and wanes. Over the years, it even softens. But love? Love for our chil-
dren does not wax nor wane. It only grows ever stronger with each passing day and year.
How comforting a thought. As we head into February, March, and April, months in which the
weather swiftly changes, we can tuck in our hearts great peace in knowing that this love for
our children remains steady. It isn’t a fair-weather love. It is a surety, a security we can take
confidently into the future. Ralph Waldo Emerson summed up this season well:
"Announced by all the trumpets of the sky,
Arrives the snow, and, driving o'er the fields,
Seems nowhere to alight: the withered air
Hides hills and woods, the river, and the heaven,
And veils the farm-house at the garden's end.
The sled and traveler stopped, the courier's feet
Delayed, all friends shut out, and housemates sit
Around the radiant fireplace, enclosed
In a tumultuous privacy of storm."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Our love is enfolded within that “tumultuous privacy of storm,” yet we can draw warmth from
the memories of our children, take them upon our lap like a blanket, and cherish each one.
Blessings,
Angie, New Ulm Area CF Newsletter Editor
Mom to Matt, age 16 (5/2-7/29)
Page 3
Loved, Missed, Remembered...Always
Dustin 18 07/20~02/08 Dan & Jackie Lemke Eagle Lake
John 42 08/16~02/02 Jan Templin Gibbon
Wendy 47 02/05~02/11 Arla & Gerald Tande Madelia
Patrick 20 06/20~02/19 Carol & John Howard Madison Lake
Susan Albe 63 10/01~02/05 Sylvia Nesheim Mankato
Joe 27 12/09~02/20 John & Tisha Kenning Mankato
Elsa Stillborn 2/23 Jeremy & Krista Kolars Mankato
Patrick 20 06/20~02/19 John & Christy Freeburg Mankato
Bridget Broshears 49 08/21~02/21 Jerry & Joan Boyle New Ulm
Denny 36 07/30~02/20 Carol & Pat Haubrich New Ulm
Randyn 27 11/19~02/15 Steve & Sherry Groebner New Ulm
Shane 30 02/18~02/17 Kelvin & Judy Fischer New Ulm
Michael 32 09/10~02/19 Jerry & Julia Rieger New Ulm
Laura 20 11/18~02/13 Lee & Judy Kastman New Ulm
Chuck 17 05/28~02/02 Joyce Engel New Ulm
Rebecca Hewitt 36 09/19~02/10 Darrold & Margie Schall North Mankato
Bryan "BJ" 37 11/16~02/03 Gary & Judy Longstreet North Mankato
Joeseph Stillborn 2/13 Stephanie Fromm Sleepy Eye
Abigale Rose 5 03/04~02/19 DuWayne & Shannon Peterson Sleepy Eye
Declan 3mo. 11/18 ~2/14 Nate & Holle Spessard St. Peter
If there are any errors on the “Loved, Missed, Remembered Always” page, please let me know! Errors are certainly not
intentional and can be corrected. Please contact me to correct any mistakes or preferences for listing your child. I sincerely
apologize for any errors.—Angie, newsletter editor
FEBRUARY
My love for you is eternal….
New Ulm CF website: http://tcf-sc-mn.org/
The Compassionate Friends of South Central MN Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/compassionatefriendsouthernmn/
Page 4
Loved, Missed, Remembered...Always
Payton 17 01/24~03/07 Kristi Adams (& Kansas) AZ
Casey 33 08/23~03/27 Dennis & Lois Quinn Chaska
Andy 37 03/23~03/02 Jim & Denise Struck Cleveland
Mike 39 11/07~03/22 Jim & Denise Struck Cleveland
John 18 02/20~03/07 Dennis & Christine Mangen Fairfax
Eric 26 05/23~03/09 Lonnie & Kathy Taralseth Gibbon
Alyssa 28 05/31~03/17 Dennis & Cherry Jeske Hanska
Chad 25 02/07~03/28 Phillip & Karen Wingen Lafayette
Mitchell 27 03/27~03/21 Merrill & Lila Ellies Lafayette
Carissa 29 06/21~03/16 Doug & Sandy Elkins Lake Crystal
Carissa 29 06/21~03/16 Cindy & Barry Gulden Madelia
Lexi 18 10/13~03/28 Karla Hagen Madison Lake
Chloe 17 12/11~03/10 Gail Christensen (Grandparent) Mankato
William 16 01/15~03/18 Jeff & Wendy Wild Mankato
Chloe 17 12/11~03/10 Anna Moses Mankato
Jessica Soo-Jin Bonaiuto 38 07/09~03/14 Jim & Jane Walsh New Ulm
Chad 40 08/10~03/19 Gerald & Ronda Flor New Ulm
Justin 28 10/20~03/04 Timothy & Mary Ann Wonn New Ulm
Chet Peterson 31 01/07~03/07 Joyce Rodewald New Ulm
Chet Peterson 31 01/07~03/07 Steve Peterson New Ulm
Ann Sundell Baker 35 05/17~03/05 Peggy Sundell New Ulm
Ian 5 1/2wks. 01/25~03/04 Jerry & Anne Van Wyk North Mankato
Rick 28 08/29~03/16 Jane & Ron Fischer Sleepy Eye
Preston Marks 51 06/23~03/02 Oradell Fischer Sleepy Eye
Tyler 20 11/16~03/07 Scott & Deb Hadley Sleepy Eye
Caleb 17 06/14~03/07 Alroy & Jill Quesenberry St. Peter
MARCH
Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear,
too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but
for those who love, time is eternity.—Henry Van Dyke
If there are any errors on the “Loved, Missed, Remembered Always” page, please let me know! Errors are certainly not
intentional and can be corrected. Please contact me to correct any mistakes or preferences for listing your child. I sincerely
apologize for any errors.—Angie, newsletter editor
Page 5
Loved, Missed, Remembered...Always
James 19 08/13~04/11 Kelly Albrecht Fairfax
Lisa 11 09/27~04/23 Alice & John Goelz Franklin
David 38 06/22~04/24 Sylvia Nesheim Mankato
Kevin 61 07/16~04/17 Lorna Weedman New Ulm
Tim 52 09/27~04/19 Jeanette Domeier New Ulm
Marie Larson 45 10/03~04/24 Karen & Gordon Haack New Ulm
Robbie 20 09/09~04/21 Paul & Mary Ellen Schanus New Ulm
Tony Steinke 21 06/15~04/11 Sharon Sackett New Ulm
Gretchen 2 01/17~04/20 Peg & Dan Drugan New Ulm
Douglas 24 10/09~04/23 Darlene & George Poehler Nicollet
Elizabeth Fatticci 23 12/20~04/03 Margo Briese North Mankato
Sue Reding 53 01-05~04/28 Vivian Tabbert Richfield
Marla Menk Bender 37 11/24~04/22 Chuck & Delores Menk Sleepy Eye
Kelly Miller 35 10/09~04/11 Dale & Mary Ann Stolt St. Clair
Heidi Craig 30 03/01~04/12 Keith & Cindy Brekken St. James
"Bill" Johnson 51 12/13~04/03 Fay Williams St. James
Thank you to United Way of the Brown
County Area for continued financial
support for our local chapter's use.
If there are any errors on the “Loved, Missed, Remembered Always” page, please let me know! Errors are certainly not
intentional and can be corrected. Please contact me to correct any mistakes or preferences for listing your child. I sincerely
apologize for any errors.—Angie, newsletter editor
BIRTHDAY TABLE
Birthdays are given special recognition at our monthly meetings. During your child’s birthday month, you
are invited to bring photos and other memorabilia to share with the group and display on our Birthday
Table. Some like to bring a favorite snack or treat (even birthday cake) to observe their child’s birthday.
APRIL
Page 6
Stillbirth, Infant, and Miscarriage Loss
Do you have a favorite poem, article, or quote you’d like to see in the newsletter?
Please email Angie at: [email protected]
I would have given my last
BREATH
Just to have seen you take your
FIRST
www.facebook/Mommiessangelbaby
https://www.etsy.com/listing/272998392/a-piece-of-my-heart-has-wings-memorial?
utm_source=OpenGraph&utm_medium=PageTools&utm_campaign=Share
This beautiful saying is
written on an enclosed
card in the Etsy listing
to the left. (The neck-
lace is lovely, too!)
A piece of my heart has wings
Page 7
Poems & Quotes I felt like I had died too
and they just forgot
to bury me.
Griefdiaries.com
It was not my choice to survive without you.
So I choose to live & honor you.
I am still standing…
Be careful about the opinions of other peo-
ple regarding your grief. I frequently hear
someone say, ‘Mr. Smith lost his child 2
months ago and he’s just not doing well.’
I’m not alarmed about how Mr. Smith is
doing, I’m alarmed about the person with
the opinions -- what are their expectations
and are they realistic? Grief is heavy,
weighty, complicated, and long in duration.
Don’t expect anything like normal for a
couple of years when there’s a loss. And a
couple of years is the shortest measuring
stick that I would use. - Judy Blore
(GriefShare contributor)
The great healer of our grief is validation, not time. - Dr. Lani Leary
Disbelief. Numb. Frozen in time. Blank stares. Unable to think. Moving in slow motion. Living
in a fog. These are just a few of the ways we respond to initial knowledge of child loss. After
the numbing phase, when the thawing out begins, the pain settles on our broken hearts and
the raw fear of not having our child with us takes over and controls us for a long, long time. In
the meantime, society as a whole expects grieving parents to function “normally” at work, at
home, and in social settings. Nothing about child loss makes sense! - Clara Hinton, author of
Silent Grief
Love grows here
“...you can’t make healing happen by pretending you aren’t hurting. “ - Jessica Harris
http://www.incourage.me/2016/11/grieving-ungrateful-jessica-harris.html
Some people may not understand why those grieving
are reluctant to move into a new year. For them they
see a fresh year, a new season...but for the bereaved
it’s moving into a new calendar year, which their loved
one will never live in.—Zoe Clark-Coates
(sayinggoodbye.org)(mariposatrust.org)
Page 8
The Description Of Grief That Changed Everything For Madonna Badger
After Her Enormous Loss
After former advertising agency owner Madonna
Badger tragically lost her two parents and three
daughters in a Christmas Day house fire in 2011,
her grief was immeasurable. There were days
when Badger couldn’t get out of bed, she fluctuat-
ed between manic and catatonically depressed,
she made a “suicide gesture” in which she threat-
ened to swallow a handful of pills and she was
committed to a psychiatric hospital shortly after
her daughters’ funeral. After struggling with her
grief at the hospital, Badger moved to Arkansas to
live with a friend and ended up going to the Uni-
versity of Arkansas’ Psychiatric Research Insti-
tute. That’s when everything began to change.
Badger tells Oprah that the head of the Psychiat-
ric Research Institute, Dr. Smith, is the one who
finally explained her grief in a way that made
sense. First, he dispelled the misconception that
plagues many who enter psychiatric hospitals.
“He basically said, ‘Okay. She’s not crazy. Every-
one’s treating her like she’s been struck mentally
ill... She’s not crazy. She’s sad. She’s really sad,’”
Badger recalls.
What he said next clarified what happened to
Badger in a way that no one else had. “Basically,
that mother-child bond is so huge, and it’s like
having nerves... but they’re emotional connec-
tion,” Badger says. “Mine got cut. And it got cut in
three places. And then it got cut between me and
my mom, and me and my dad... I was just basical-
ly a great big, raw nerve.”
In time, Dr. Smith said, this nerve would get a little
layer of skin, and then another layer, and another
until Badger would feel functional once again. “It
completely changed everything,” she says. “It
gave me hope where I had none.”
“I think that’s so good for everyone else, too, be-
cause that’s what it feels like when it feels like
you’ve been severed and you have this enormous
loss that you can’t even explain to yourself,”
Oprah says. “The fact that you are raw and, in
time, you’ll get a little bit of skin and a little bit of
skin, I just think that’s a beautiful analogy.”
It’s also an analogy that Badger has proven to be
true. “I have some skin — a lot more than I
thought I would have,” she tells Oprah.
Developing this skin has been a two-fold process
that comes down to both love and time.
“Letting other people love me has been a huge
part of this journey for me. And letting other peo-
ple take care of me has been a big part,” Badger
says. “And certainly, time. Time doesn’t heal any-
thing, I don’t think... You just sort of learn how to
live with it a little bit better.”
Just as importantly, Badger followed Dr. Smith’s
advice and did not numb herself with alcohol,
drugs or anything else. She has let herself feel in
order to help her skin heal, as painful as it may
be.
“You have to actually feel the feelings... In my ex-
perience, it’s so much more painful to try and stay
outside of that pain,” Badger says. “The latest
thing for me has been about figuring out that I
can’t outrun my pain. Just going as fast as I can
or doing as much as I can... I can’t do that. It
doesn’t work.”
Article from the Huffington Post:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/28/
madonna-badger-description-of-
grief_n_6056006.html?utm_hp_ref=common-grief
(Online article contains video)
Page 9
South Central MN Chapter Information
Chapter Founder: Darlene Nelson, 507-439-6302
and Barb Netzke
Chapter Leader: Judy Kastman, 507-359-2737
Chapter Co-leaders: Bernadette & Robin Schendel,
507-388-3126
Treasurer: Karen Johnson, 507-387-7129
Newsletter Editor: Angie Cherney, 507-386-7535
Steering Committee: Darlene Nelson, Judy Kast-
man, Karen & Rich Johnson, Bernadette & Robin
Schendel, Angie Cherney, Arla Tande, LuAnn Boom-
garden
TELEPHONE FRIENDS
When you need to talk, they are your listening ears…
ACCIDENTAL/SUDDEN DEATH: Karen & Rich, 507-387-
7129; Bernadette, 507-388-3126
ILLNESS: Arla & Jerry, 507-642-8420
ONLY CHILD: Phone friend needed!
INFANT LOSS: Phone friend needed!
CHILD WITH SPECIAL NEEDS: Phone friend needed!
SIBLING LOSS: Darlene, 507-439-6302; Arla & Jerry, 507-
642-8420
YOUNG CHILD LOSS (Age 12 & under): Phone friend
needed!
SUICIDE: Judy, 507-359-2737
DID YOU KNOW?
We have been implementing a new format at our
monthly meetings. The new format keeps introductions
brief while allowing time for each person to share (if
you choose). Monthly topics serve as discussion start-
ers, yet provide flexibility for the group to offer support
and input for one another. The new format has been
received well and is working wonderfully!
LIBRARY CORNER
Our chapter has a lending library! Please check with
Judy Kastman to take advantage of these helpful re-
sources. The featured resource for this edition of the
newsletter is the book, “The Empty Room: Surviving
the Loss of a Brother or Sister at Any Age” by
Elizabeth DeVita-Raebur
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743201515/
MOVIES
The Shack—The New York Times Bestseller book
premiers in theaters March 3, 2017. See link for trailer:
http://www.theshack.movie/
Collateral Beauty starring Will Smith— In theaters now.
See link for trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?
v=dpFyds_pS2E
MUSIC
Liv On—by Amy Sky, Beth Nielsen Chapman, Olivia
Newton-John (Amazon link: https://www.amazon.com/
Olivia-Newton-John-Neilsen-Chapman/dp/
B01LP5HS4O/ref=tmm_acd_swatch_0?
_encoding=UTF8&qid=1483985216&sr=8-1)
A Little Farther Down the Road—by Alan Pedersen,
Executive Director of The Compassionate Friends
Alan’s CD’s can be found here:
http://www.cdbaby.com/Artist/AlanPedersen
WE NEED YOUR HELP!
Our chapter is looking for help in different areas.
Please contact Angie ([email protected], 507-
386-7535) or Bernadette (507-388-3126) if you can
help with any of the following:
—- Be a telephone friend
(This requires one to be available at any time for be-
reaved parents who need to talk.) —- Manage our chapter’s Facebook page
(This requires very little time. You would post applica-
ble grief memes, links, articles, chapter information,
etc. on a regular basis, perhaps once a week.)
New Ulm CF website: http://tcf-sc-mn.org/
The Compassionate Friends of South Central MN
Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/
compassionatefriendsouthernmn/
Page 10
When death visits Hollywood
A few thoughts from steering committee member, Karen:
Recently the spotlight has been thrown on our bereavement community by the death of Debbie Reynolds follow-
ing her daughter Carrie Fisher’s death. My first reaction was, “She got off easy.” She did not have to go through
what the rest of us have endured. Some newly bereaved even felt a bit jealous. They would never take steps to
leave this vale of tears, but leaving it to join your child has it’s allure.
But in reality, Debbie was an older woman whose body was weakened and susceptible to the damaging effect
of overwhelming grief. I’m sure many, or maybe most, of you have suffered physical ramifications following your
child’s death. Not so quickly, perhaps, or so easily attributed, but real. We may feel almost guilty as survivors,
feeling that our love wasn’t that strong. After all, we are alive.
Yet all of you reading this know what you have gone through to survive. Your love for your child and compas-
sion for others has eventually carried you along to a better place, a place of peace, and at last, joy, where we
can feel gratitude for the gift of our child. If you are not yet in that place, it will happen for you.
One of the effects of this very public, very dramatic grieving has been a heightened awareness of the trauma the
bereaved family must endure. Perhaps a greater understanding will result, bringing compassion and patience
while we are doing our grief work. - Karen
Health and Healing
“Take care of yourself.” If only we had a penny for every time we’ve heard this after our
loss, right? Friends, not only does our heart suffer with the loss of our child(ren), but so, too,
our health. Many of us don’t have the desire or the energy to invest in our health when our
heart is shattered. Yet we know that the consequences of grief wreak havoc on our bodies.
Asking for help is not weakness. In fact, it is the strongest thing you can do for yourself. Be
specific when people ask what they can do for you. Be honest about your needs. Taking
care of yourself after loss requires help. Sometimes the best thing you can do in grief is al-
low others to help you take care of yourself. When those well-meaning individuals advise
you to take care of yourself, perhaps you can hand them this little card:
HOW TO HELP A GRIEVING PERSON
Gift a massage session
Run errands for them (or together with them)
Bring a meal 3mo. down the road
Gift a hotel/day-away stay
Provide child-care for the day, weekend, etc.
Provide maid service/cleaning for a day, etc.
Gift a pedicure and/or manicure
Set up yard/lawn care for a month (or more)
Provide a vehicle maintenance check-up
Give a grocery, restaurant, gas, etc. gift card
Page 11
The Compassionate Friends is a non-profit self-help organization. We have no dues or fees. We function with the
help of our “Love Gifts.” These are given in memory of a child by parents, siblings, grandparents, other relatives,
friends and caring individuals and organizations that wish to assist with the work of TCF. These gifts may be mon-
etary, books, CD’s, time and/or talents. We are blessed to have rent-free meeting space provided by Redeemer
Lutheran Church, New Ulm. United Way of Brown County Area covers our newsletter cost: paper, postage, label-
ing, printing and the Non-Profit mailing stamp, etc.
With warm thanks to Redeemer, Brown County Area United Way, and the following:
Carol Haubrich………………………………….in memory of son Dennis Lang Jr.
Karen & Rich Johnson ................................... in memory of son Barry
Judy & Lee Kastman ..................................... in memory of daughter Laura
Chuck & Delores Menk………………………..in memory of daughter Marla Menk Bender
Darlene & Clint Nelson .................................. in memory of son Mike/brothers Ronald Tabatt & Ronald Nelson
....................................................................... and in memory of TCF friend Jerry Ahlness & sons, Warren & Steve
Bernadette & Robin Schendel ....................... in memory of daughter Ashley
Arla & Gerald Tande ...................................... in memory of son Kurt, daughter Wendy, & friend Blake
Other expenses include tissues, ink cartridges, tape, labels, coffee, napkins, cards, new member packet items,
incidental postage above newsletters, snack goodies, candles, etc.
A heartfelt THANK YOU to all of our steering com-
mittee members and their families for helping with
the 20th Annual Candle Lighting in December. It
was a memorable event in which our children’s
memories shone BRIGHTLY. They are loved,
missed, and remembered always. The Mankato
Free Press did a nice article on the Candle Light-
ing, too. See link below:
http://www.mankatofreepress.com/news/local_news/
light-a-candle-families-honor-loved-ones-in-new-ulm/
article_149cddf4-c015-11e6-b984-77abcd0f15ef.html
Lee & Judy Kastman begin the Candle Lighting service
Photo credit: Levi Janssen, Mankato Free Press
Website: www.compassionatefriends.org Page 12
Toll Free Phone: 877-969-0010 Email: [email protected]
Copyright ©The Compassionate Friends, Inc. All rights reserved. TCF National Office: PO Box 3696, Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696
The
Compassionate
Friends
Supporting Family After a Child Dies
What is Compassionate Friends?
We are a self help, not-for-profit organization for bereaved parents, siblings, and grandparents. We offer group support, friendship, and understanding. Our purpose is to promote and aid families in the positive resolution of their grief experienced with the death of a child, and to foster the physical and emotional health of these bereaved families.
Our Goals - – to offer support and understanding to any sorrowing parent/sibling/grandparent. – to listen with understanding – to provide a caring and sharing group. – to give cognitive information on the grieving process through meetings, library resources, and
newsletter information. – to provide acquaintance to other bereaved families whose sorrow has softened.
Regional Coordinator:
Cathy Seehuetter
7884 Irish Ave. South
Cottage Grove, MN 55016-2072
651-459-9341
More Information?
Local Leader:
Judy Kastman
1119 16th South St.
New Ulm, MN 56073
507-359-2737
Newsletter Editor:
Angie Cherney
116 Bittersweet Lane
Mankato, MN 56001
507-386-7535
Email:
Non-Profit Org. U.S. Postage
PAID Permit No. 25 New Ulm, MN
56073 South Central MN Chapter, New Ulm
1119 16th South St. New Ulm, MN 56073
RETURN SERVICE REQUESTED
