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BYMICHAELBUCKLEY
TheSistersGrimm
BookOne:TheFairy-TaleDetectives
BookTwo:TheUnusualSuspects
BookThree:TheProblemChild
BookFour:OnceUponaCrime
BookFive:Magicand
OtherMisdemeanorsBookSix:Talesfromthe
HoodBookSeven:TheEverafter
WarBookEight:TheInside
StoryBookNine:TheCouncilof
MirrorsAVeryGrimmGuide
NERDS
BookOne:National
Espionage,Rescue,andDefenseSociety
BookTwo:MIsforMama’sBoy
BookThree:TheCheerleadersofDoomBookFour:TheVillain
VirusBookFive:Attackofthe
BULLIES
PUBLISHER’SNOTE:Thisisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,places,andincidentsareeithertheproductoftheauthor’simaginationorareusedfictitiously,andanyresemblancetoactualpersons,livingordead,businessestablishments,events,orlocalesisentirelycoincidental.
Cataloging-in-PublicationDatahasbeenappliedforandmaybeobtainedfromtheLibraryofCongress.
ISBN:978-1-4197-0024-8
Textcopyright©2011MichaelBuckley
Illustrationscopyright©2011EthenBeavers
BookdesignbyChadW.Beckerman
Publishedin2011byAmuletBooks,animprintofABRAMS.Allrightsreserved.Noportionofthisbookmaybereproduced,storedinaretrievalsystem,ortransmittedinanyformorbyanymeans,mechanical,electronic,photocopying,recording,orotherwise,withoutwrittenpermissionfromthepublisher.Amulet
BooksandAmuletPaperbacksareregisteredtrademarksofHarryN.Abrams,Inc.
AmuletBooksareavailableatspecialdiscountswhenpurchasedinquantityforpremiumsandpromotionsaswellasfundraisingoreducationaluse.Specialeditionscanalsobecreatedtospecification.Fordetails,
ForAbigailContessaandherverycoolmom,MollyChoi
Twelve-year-old GerdieBaker frowned at herreflection in her bedroommirror. She had long andlumpy limbs; huge, Hobbit-like feet; hair like atumbleweedinanoldcowboymovie; and an unfortunateunder-bitethatmadeherlook
like a caveman. She was amess, which led her to oneundeniable conclusion: Shemust be a Bigfoot. LikeBigfoots, she lumberedwhenshe walked. Like Bigfoots,she scared small animals.Like Bigfoots, she gruntedwhensheate.
Since her parents weren’tBigfoots, she concluded thatshe must have beendiscovered in the wilds and
transplantedtothesuburbsofAkron,Ohio,forstudy.Itwasthe only reasonableexplanation.
To prove her theory shehad done a few simplecalculations:
•Therewasa40%chancethatherfamilyhadfoundheronacampingtrip,shavedherdown,and
taughthertospeak.•Therewasa35%chancethatshewaspartofanexperimentbytheDepartmentofFishandWildlifeinhopesofintegratingBigfootsintomodernsociety.
•Therewasa23%chancethatfromacageinatravelingsideshow.
•Andthen,therewastheteeny-tiny2%chancethatshewasn’tamissinglinkatallbutatwelve-year-oldgirlsufferingthroughaveryawkwardperiod.This2%wasonlyonthelistbecauseBigfootsarenotknownfortheirmathskills,andsothefactthatshecouldconstructthese
possibilitiesleftaholeinhertheory.
She was devising a newlist of theories on why aBigfootmight know calculuswhensheheardaloudsquealcoming through her openbedroom window. Gerdiewalked over and lookedoutside into the backyard.Thereshesawcake,balloons,a deejay, streamers, punch, akaraoke machine, and two
dozen pretty girls incheerleading outfits havingthe time of their lives. Herbirthday party wasobnoxious.
Her mother had gone allout this year for Gerdie andhersisters,LindaandLuanne—otherwise known as theBaker Triplets. But Gerdiecould not bring herself to godown and join the fun. Justbecause she shared their
DNA(ashermotherclaimed)didn’t mean she was one ofthem. Linda, Luanne, andtheir friends were allgorgeous, like they hadstepped out of a fashionmagazine. “GruesomeGerdie” looked like she hadcrawled out of Field andStream. Her mind couldn’thelpbutcalculatewhatwouldhappen if she were to showherfaceattheparty.
•Therewasa54%chancethatthegirlswouldlaughather.
•A29%chancethattheywouldstareatherlikeshewasfromanotherplanet.
•A10%chancethatsomeonewouldscreamand/orfaintand/orvomit.
•Anda7%chancethatsomeonewouldcall
AnimalControlandhavehershotwithatranquilizerdart.
Nope. She didn’t belongdown there…yet.But soon,very soon, shewould be oneof the pretty ones. She, too,would be the center ofattention. You see, GerdieBaker had plans.Which wasprobablyfurtherevidencethatshewas not really aBigfoot.Bigfootsdon’t spenda lot of
time thinking about thefuture. She would have toincreasethe2%to3%
She sat downonherbed,snatched a notebook off hernightstand,andopenedittoamath problem. This one wasmore complicated thananything she had everattempted. It stretched outoverdozensofpages,x’sandy’s holding on to pluses andminuseslikelifepreserversin
amurkysea.Soon,shewouldfishthemoutandunlocktheirmysteries and her miserablelifewould change forever. Ifonlyshestillhadher—
Therewas a knock at thedoor.
“Leave me alone. I don’twant any cake,” Gerdieshouted.
Buttheknockcameagain.Setting down her
notebook, she crossed the
room and threw open thedoor.Therewasnoonethere.She craned her neck into thehallway, but it was empty.Sheglanceddownandsawanenvelope on the floor. Itwasaddressedtoher.Shescoopeditup.
Inside was a note thatread, There are presents foryoudownstairs.
Gerdie sighed. Shemightas well go down, get the
presents,andgetitoverwith.In the backyard a sea of
surprised girls stared at her.The 29% had been correct.She could almost hear theconfusion in their minds asthegueststriedtounderstandhow she could be related toLinda and Luanne. Maybecoming downstairs hadn’tbeenagoodidea.
“Have some cake,Gertrude,”hermothersaidas
sheapproachedwithGerdie’ssistersintow.
Gerdie eyed the birthdaycake. It was shaped like amegaphone—the kindcheerleaders use at footballgames. It read, HappyBirthday,Luanne,Linda,andG.
“G?”Gerdie’s mom looked
defensive. “Honey, Gertrudeis a long name. There’s only
somuch cake!Where are allthefriendsyouinvited?”
“She doesn’t have anyfriends to invite.” Lindalaughed.
“I used to before wemoved,”Gerdiecried. “Ihadlotsoffriends.”
“No, you hung aroundwith the nerd herd,” Luannesaid. “The biggest collectionof waste cases in the historyof Nathan Hale Elementary.
Movingus herewas the bestthing that could havehappenedtoyou.”
Gerdie sighed. They hadmoved from Arlington,Virginia, a year and a halfago, and she had neveradjusted. “Well, let’s opensomepresents.”
Everyonegatheredarounda table stacked high withboxes wrapped in prettybows, and Gerdie’s mom
handed themoutonebyone.It took nearly a half hour ofunwrapping before sheuncovered a present forGerdie.
Gerdieopenedit.Itwasadogcollar.LindaandLuannelaughed the loudest in achorus of giggles. Gerdiewanted to throw the collarinto the crowd, along with afewwell-aimedpunches.Buthermom quickly handed her
another present. “Don’t bemad. The girls are justteasing.”
Gerdie opened the smallbox and suddenly her scowlwas replaced by a toothysmile “It’s an Inimation410A!”
“A what?” her motherasked.
“It’s a state-of-the-artscientificcalculatorwithoverfour hundred mathematical
functions. It has a two-linedisplaywith thirty-two levelsof parenthesis! It doesformula notation; variablestatistics; fraction anddecimalconversions;Booleanoperations; probabilitysearches; degree, radian, andgrad conversions; sine,cosine, and tangentcalculations; as well asexponent and trigonometricfunctions. It also has ahundred and fifty megabytes
of memory storage, plus itrunsoffasolarcell.”
Gerdie stopped talking.She knew everyone wasstaringather—eventhepartyclown.
“It’s very advanced,” shefinishedquietly.
“What a nerd,” Luannesaid as she, Linda, and hermother left Gerdie to go tothe patio, which they wereusing as a dance floor. Their
momwas entirely too old todancewiththegirlsandtheirfriends, but it didn’t stop herfrom teaching them a goofydanceshecalledthe“ElectricSlide.”Shewasgiggling likeatwelve-year-old.
Gerdie looked around.Who would have bought hersuchanamazingpresent?Sheshook her head. Oh, whocared! She couldn’t wait totestit!
She turned to runback toherroom,butstandingbehindherwasamanbuiltlikeatreewith thick arms and legs.Hehad jet-black hair with awhitestripedownthemiddle—just like a skunk—and ithung down in his eyes. Hehadalong,shaggybeard,andan eye as white as snow. Atthe end of one of his armswas a silver hook where hishandshouldhavebeen.
“Here’s one more,” thestrange man said, handingGerdie a thin envelope withhis good hand. Just like theenvelope upstairs, it wasaddressed to her. “Myemployer hopes you have ahappybirthday.”
“Huh? Who is youremployer?”Gerdieasked,butthe man turned and hurriedaway. “Are you with thecaterers?”
But he was gone. Gerdieshrugged off the oddencounter and opened theenvelope. Inside was a pieceofplainwhitepaperthatread:
X=41.6443/3“What is it, Gerdie? You
looklikeyoudon’tfeelwell,”hermother said, stepping offthedancefloorforabreathoffreshair.
Gerdie didn’t answer.Instead, she darted into the
house,upthestairs,andbackinto her bedroom, slammingthe door behind her. Shesnatchedhernotebookoffthebed,thenfumbledtoopenhernew calculator with nervoushands. Once it was poweredon,shetypedinherequation.Then she punched in themysterynumberforthevalueof x and pressed the Equalsbutton. Suddenly, thecalculatorbuzzedandblinkedand bounced around in her
hand. Its plastic case got sohot thatGerdiedropped itonthe floor. There was a POP!and a CRACKLE! And thenthescreenwentblack.
“No!!!” she cried,scooping itbackup, ignoringthe burns to her hands. Shepunchedthebuttons,buttherewas no life left in it. Shetosseditasideandburiedherface in her pillow. Tearsstreamed out of her eyes,
soaking her cheeks and lips.Sheneededtheanswertoherequation! It would changeeverything.
And then she heard theInimation 410A hum to lifeoncemore.Shesatup,wipedhereyes,andlookeddownatthe calculator lying on thefloor. On the screen wasflashinganumber:
1717
17Gerdie couldn’t believe
what she was seeing. Themath problem she hadlabored over formore than ayear and a half was solved.The dark ocean had calmedand the numbers had founddry land in the form of thebeautifulnumber17!
Gerdie raced toherclosetand threw open the door.Insidewasatubeofblue-and-
gray drafting paper. Sheunrolled it on her desk andsmoothed it out to reveal theplans for a bizarre-lookingmachine. It had buttons andknobs and two glass tubesrising out of the top. Shestudied it like it was amasterpiecehanginginanartmuseum. Then she glanceddownat themysterious letterstill crumpled in her hand.Attachedtothepaperwiththeequation was another letter,
thisoneon stationery fromaplace called the ArlingtonHospital for the CriminallyInsane. Itwas signed,Happybirthday from your palHeathcliff.Gerdiesmiled.
“Thank you, Heathcliff.This is the best birthdaypresentever.”
THREEDAYSLATERGerdie tightened the finalscrews on her creation. She
stepped back to admire herbeautiful invention. Twoglass tubes rose from the toplike bunny ears, straps hungdown like limp arms, and itsfaceplate had a dozendifferentdialsandparts fromold video game consoles. Intruth, it was an ungainlymisfit,butthenagain,sowasits creator. No matter: Thegovernment would pay her afortune for themachine oncetheysawwhatitcoulddo.
She tapped the powerbutton and heard the motorsturning.Afuzzymapformedon one of the tiny monitors,and after peering at it for along moment, she punchedsome coordinates into thekeyboard on its side. Itweighedaton,butsheheftedthedeviceontoherbackandreached over to push therecord button on a mountedvideo camera. A goodscientist always documented
hersuccessesandherfailures.
“Well, this is the maidenvoyageofmymachine.Istilldon’thaveaname for it, butI’ll worry about that if itworks. If all goes accordingtoplan,Iwillvanishfrommybedroom and reappear half ablock away in the churchparkinglot,”shesaid.“Ifnot—I don’t know. I’ve neverbuilt a teleportation devicebefore, using my allowance
as the budget. I know it’sprobably dangerous to testthis in the house, but I justcan’tresist!”
She awkwardly turned tolookat themoviestarphotosshehadtapedtoherbedroomwalls. “If this thing works,I’mgoingtouseeverypennytomakemyselflooklikeyou—hair, makeup, dental work—everything. I’ll be an all-new me, and Gruesome
Gerdiewill be a thing of thepast.”
She flipped the activationswitch. Above her head shecould hear the glass cathodetubes warming. She gazedupward just in time to see apowerfulchargepassingbackand forth between them,creating a tiny lightningstorm of crackling energy.The electricity formed into aspinning ball of perfect light
that grew and grew. Itssurface was clear and white,butwhenGerdieranherhandthrough it, she left streakswhere her fingers had glided—like smearing icing on abirthday cake. The circlegrew bigger than her wholebody, and then it floateddownfromaboveuntilitwasdirectly in front of her face.There was an odd tearingsound, like someone wasrippingahugepieceofpaper
in two, and with shockingforce Gerdie was draggedintotheenergycircle.
A split second later shewas freezing and blind. Sherubbed her eyes into focus.To her surprise, she was notin her bedroom or in thechurch parking lot. Instead,she was alone in a frozenwastelandthatstretchedasfaras the horizon. Ice coveredeverything and snow was
coming down in blankets,each tiny crystal like a razorcuttingatherexposedskin.
“Where am I?” she said,teeth chattering, to no one inparticular. There didn’t seemto be a living soul formiles.Hadshepluggedinthewronglatitude and longitude? Hadshe assembled the machineincorrectly? Had herequationsbeenincorrect?
No!Thatwasn’tpossible.
Gerdie took great pride inhow thorough she was. Nomatter how simple theproblem, she accounted forevery possible solution. Herteachers often complainedthat she made thingsintentionally difficult. Shehad once used a whole reamof paper to prove the answerto 2+ 2!Still, here shewas,in a place too cold even forSanta Claus. No, somethingelse was wrong. Heathcliff’s
numbermusthavealteredthemachine’sbasicfunction.
Shivering, Gerdie pushedthe plunger on her machine,but nothing happened. Thebatterywasdead.Her devicehad a self-charging fuelsource, but it would be tenminutesbeforeitwasreadytoteleport her again.Unfortunately, she waswearing a pair of linen pantsand a short-sleeve shirt. She
wouldn’t survive that long.Her fingers and toes werealreadynumb.
“Help!” she cried. “Isanyoneoutthere?”
Suddenly, she heardsomething odd. It soundedlike footsteps, but howcouldshe hear someoneapproaching with the roaringwindallaroundher?“Hello?”
There was no response,just more heavy footfalls, so
Gerdie decided to movetowardthesound.Theweightof the teleportation devicewasn’tmaking iteasy to trekthrough the deep snow, butshe struggled forward. Sheclimbed up an icy slope,where she thought she couldactuallyheartheheavybreathof her rescuer.Butwhen shereached the crest, she sawsomething that just couldn’tbe possible. It was nearlytwelve feet high and covered
inthick,curlyhair.Itsmelledof mud, and it had longcurving tusks that slicedthroughtheair,pointingrightather.Shehadseenpaintingsof such creatures in books,and even a skeleton up closeat theSmithsonianInstitutioninWashington,D.C.,buttheyweren’t supposed to existanymore. Even if she hadteleported to the North Poleor Antarctica, or wherevershe was, the last woolly
mammothsdied ten thousandyearsago.
The beast seemed asstartledbyheras shewasbyit, and it reared back on itshind legs. When it camecrashingbackdown,itroaredand stomped its huge feet.Gerdie was sure it wouldchargeandcrushherflat.Shestepped back, missed herfooting, then felt herselfplunging downward as her
machine dragged her to thebottom of the icy slope. Shetriedtogettoherfeet,buttheweight of the teleportationmachine would not let herstand.Shestruggledoutofitsstraps, then did her best topull it behind her. Shecouldn’t abandon it. It washeronlywaybackhome.
But the mammoth wascharging towardher, itshugehead down and its tusks
aimedatherheart.Sherolledinto a ball, and the giantcreature ran right over her,missing her entirely.Somehowitmanagedtomissthemachine,too.
Shescrambledtoherfeet,but ablastof coldairhitherhard. She lost her grasp onthe machine and fell, rollinglikeasnowball,endoverend,untilshestoppedatthemouthof a cave. Standing over her
were three figures wrappedcompletely in animal hides.Theyheldspearsandgruntedangrilyather.
The trio leaped forwardwith spears in hand, butinsteadofkillinghertheyranright past and attacked themammoth. Their weaponswere crude—nothing morethan sticks with sharp stonepoints—buttheywerethrownwith deadly accuracy. One
went into thecreature’s frontleg and the second into itshead. The third caught thebeastintheheart.Itwailedinagony,finallyfallingforwardonto the snow. The creaturewasdead.
As she watched, stunned,Gerdie was lifted to her feetbystronghands.Moreof thestrange warriors had steppedout of the cave and werehelping her. They pulled her
inside the cave, deep into itsdarkness.
By the light of flickeringtorchesmountedonthewalls,she caught glimpses of cavepaintings: hunters fightingherds of mammoths, strangedeerlike creatures, somethingshe thoughtmight have beena saber-toothed tiger. Thepaintings looked fresh, as ifrecentlypainted.
Witheachstepshefeltthe
bitterly cold air growingwarmer and warmer.Wherever these people weretaking her there was a fire.Finally, she was led into ahuge room.At its centerwasa bonfire with nearly fortypeople gathered around it—children, babies, parents,elderlymen andwomen. Allwere wearing animal hides,like her saviors, and a fewheldlong,pointyspears.
Several of the womensprang into action. Theyescorted Gerdie close to thefireandgaveheracrudecupfull of an earthy tea. Theyurgedhertodrink.Theliquidrolled down her throat likelava,warminghertohertoes.
“WhereamI?”sheasked.The crowd looked at her
oddly. It was obvious theydid not understand her.Whowerethey?
And then a theory beganto unfold in her mind.Clearly, she had not beenteleported as she hadintended.Couldheruglylittlemachineactuallyallowhertotravelthroughtime?
And then her heart wasracing. “My machine,” shesaid, trying tomime the sizeand shape of it. “It’s outthere.Ineedit!”
The people watched her
panic with confused faces.They had no idea what shewas saying. They would beno help. She would have togobackoutintothesnowandgethermachine.Shecouldn’tbetrappedinthepastforever.
Just as she was ready tobolt for the exit, the threewarriors who had killed themammothcameinandjoinedthe crowd.One of themheldher machine. Overjoyed, she
raced to them. “Oh, thankyou!Thankyou!Youhavenoidea how important this is tome. It’s my only way homeand…”
The warrior removed herhoodandgaveGerdieashockeven more powerful thancoming face-to-face with anextinct monster. This“Eskimo” was small withkinky red hair and bad teeth.She had big feet and long
armsandlegsandafacelikeaBigfoot.ShelookedexactlylikeGerdie.
The other two warriorslowered their hoods andGerdie got another shock.They looked exactly like hersisters, Linda and Luanne.She scanned the cave andquickly picked out a perfectmatch for her mother. OldMr. Carlisle from next doorwas feeding the fire. A
carbon copy of her seventh-grade teacher, Ms. Romis,washoveringnearby.Almosteveryonesheknewhadatwininthatcave.
Dumbfounded, she satdown on the ground andgazed at her invention. Itwasn’ta teleportationdevice,anditcertainlywasn’ta timemachine. One look at thesepeople with their familiarfaces and she immediately
knew what this ugly,backbreaking, wonderfuldevicereallydid.Ithadtakenhertoanalternatereality.ShewasonanotherEarth.
She sat ponderingwhat itall meant. Would thegovernment want such amachine? Was there apracticaluseforitthatwouldwin her the money she sodesperately needed for herplans?
As she contemplated this,she felt something jabbingher in the foot. She reacheddown and found a smoothstone beneath her heel. Shealmosttosseditasidewithoutaglance,butthenthefirelightglintedoffit.Sheexamineditmoreclosely.Itwasasbigasa marble, but each of itscrystal facets was clear andflawless.
“This is a diamond,” she
saidtoherself,thenlookedatthe hovering crowd ofcavepeople. “I found adiamond on the ground. Doyouhaveanyideahowmuchthismightbeworth?”
The girl that looked justlike Gerdie gestured to acorner of the cave. There,lyinginapile,wasaheapofdiamonds, unwanted, likediscardedtrash.
Gerdiehoppedtoherfeet,
preparingtostuffherpocketstothelimitwithjewels,whenher machine came to life.With its batteries fullycharged,thelittleballoflightappeared and grew. Beforeshe could get her hands onanother jewel, there was aflashandshewasgone.
Amomentlater,shefoundherselfbackinherroom.Outthe window she saw angrypeople. Some were looking
under the hoods of stalledcars.Otherswere pointing attheirdarkenedhouses.Gerdiesuspected her return wasresponsible for the blackout,but it was a small price topay. She had createdsomething the greatestscientific minds could onlytheorize about. She lookeddown at the sole shinydiamondshehadmanaged tobring back home, andsuddenly, Gerdie Baker
wasn’t so sure shewanted tosell her ugly old inventionanylonger.
YOUSEETHIS,PAL?
IT’SMYEYEANDIT’S
WATCHINGYOU.EVERSINCEWE
MADEYOUAFULL-FLEDGEDMEMBEROFNERDS,I’VENOTICEDSOMETROUBLING
BEHAVIORFROMYOUANDI’VECOMETOACONCLUSION……YOU’RELOSINGYOURMARBLES!
ITHINKTHESTRESSOFBEINGASECRETAGENTANDAKIDISGETTINGTOYOU.YOULOOKTIREDANDDISTRACTED.IT’SNOTHINGTOBEASHAMEDOF—BEINGAMEMBEROFTHE
NATIONALESPIONAGE,RESCUE,
ANDDEFENSESOCIETYCANBE
DIFFICULT.WHENI
WASAMEMBEROFTHETEAM,IWASSTRESSEDOUTALLTHETIME.BUTTHATDOESN’TMEANWE
CANLETTHEMENTALLY
UNBALANCEDSTAYONTHETEAM.WHOAMI?
HMMM…YOU’REHAVINGSOME
MEMORYPROBLEMS.
THAT’SNOTAGOODSIGN.MYNAMEIS
MICHAELBUCKLEY.I’MAFORMER
MEMBEROFNERDS.MYCODENAMEWASBEANPOLE,ANDI
WASTHEGREATESTAGENTNERDSEVER
SAW.
YES,REALLY!!!!!ANYWAY,WHENI
RETIRED,ITOOKONANEWJOB:
DOCUMENTINGTHECURRENTTEAM’S
CASESANDKEEPINGMYGREATBIGEYEONNEWRECRUITS.I’VETALKEDTOTHEBOSSESABOUTYOU.WE’RECONCERNED,SOWE’REGOINGTOGIVEYOUATESTTO
SEEIFYOUAREMENTALLYFITTOBE
ASECRETAGENT.
WHOA!SLOWDOWNWITHALLTHEQUESTIONS.THE
TESTWILLTELLUSHOWYOUREACTINHIGH-PRESSURE
SITUATIONS.THEBIGSHOTSWANTTO
MAKESUREBEFOREWETOSSYOUOFF
THETEAM.THETESTISPRETTYSIMPLE:ASERIESOF
MULTIPLE-CHOICEQUESTIONSSIMILARTOTHETESTSTHEY
GIVEPOLICEOFFICERS,FBIANDCIAAGENTS,ANDMEMBERSOFTHE
MILITARY.HERE’SASAMPLEQUESTION.ANSWER
ITHONESTLY:______________
1.AREYOUCRAZY?a.YES!ABSOLUTELY,YES!
b.KINDAc.PROBABLYd.I’MFINE,BUTTHEVOICESINMYHEADDISAGREE
OK,I’MALITTLETROUBLEDBYYOURANSWER.AREYOU
HIDINGSOMETHING?HEY,WHAT’SWITHALLTHEFIDGETING?YOULOOKNERVOUS.WORSE,YOULOOKGUILTY!WELL,YOUCANLIETOME,BUTYOUCAN’TLIETO
THETEST.SOIFYOUHAPPENTOBEANAXMURDERERORA
PYROMANIAC,YOUMIGHTASWELLFESS
UPNOW.HMMM…DENIAL.
FINE.READTHROUGHTHISCASEFILEANDANSWERTHEQUESTIONS.WHENYOU’RE
FINISHED,WE’LLTOTALYOURSCORETOFINDOUTTHE
TRUTH.
UNTILTHEN,THISISMYEYE…
…WATCHINGYOU.
Alexander Brand, NathanHale Elementary’s janitor,limped down the schoolhallway using his mopwheeliebucketasamakeshiftcane. His bad leg wasbotheringhim.Eversincetheaccident, it ached when astorm was coming. If he
could just get off it for anhour or so, it would be asgoodasnew,buthecouldn’ttakeabreak.Hisbosswantedtospeakwithhim.
He turned a corner andsaw the school’s librarian,Ms.Holiday,waitingforhimbythesupplyclosetdoor.Shewas blonde,with the kind ofglasses that made her lookboth smart and feline.Whenhe saw her, he couldn’t help
but smile, but he forced itfrom his face. It wasn’tprofessional. But it wasdifficult to stay professionalwhenshesmiledback.
“If he wants to see us, itmustbeserious,”shesaid.
Brand nodded. “It’salwaysserious.”
Hetookasetofkeysfromhis coveralls and unlockedthe closet door. Once inside,Ms. Holiday turned her
attention to a shelf stackedwith jugs of bleach and rollsofpapertowels.Movingthemaside,sheplacedherhandonthe brick wall behind them,and suddenly a pinpoint ofgreen light traced the outlineofherfingers.
“Identity scanned andapproved. Good morning,AgentHoliday,”anelectronicvoicesaid.
“Good morning,” she
repliedasBrandunzippedthefront of his gray uniform,revealingasurprisingsight—an elegant black tuxedo,complete with crisp whiteshirtandashinyblacktie.Hechecked his silver cuff links,brushed some lint off hisshoulder, and snatched awhitecanefromthecorner.
“How do I look, Ms.Holiday?”hesaid.
“Dreamy.Youknow,you
cancallmeLisawhenwe’realone, Alexander. After all,we’vebeendatingforalmostamonth—”
“And we agreed that wewere going to keep that asecret.Iamyourboss.”
She put her finger to hislips. “Our secret is safewithme,AgentBrand.”
Brand tried to put weighton his cane and stumbledbackward. He scowled. He
coulddisarmanuclearbombwith one arm tied behind hisback, but when Holiday wasaroundhebecameabumblingidiot.
“Good morning, DirectorBrand,” the electronic voicesaid.
Brand righted himself.“We’re going to thePlayground.”
“At once,” the voicereplied. “Delivering in three,
two,one.”The floor beneath Brand
and Holiday suddenly sank,and the two were sentplummeting deep into theearth aboard a tiny platform.They passed plumbingsystems, electric cables, eventhe remains of an ancientgraveyardlonglosttohistory.Soon their platform zoomedinto the bowels of amassivecave. Shadows tiptoed along
the walls. Water drippeddownfromaboveand theairfeltcoldandthin.
“Ican’twaitformysecretentrance in the library to befinished. I hate taking thisroute,” Ms. Holiday said asshe slipped her hand intoBrand’s.“It’screepy.”
Brand, however, was notfrightened. On the contrary,he was fascinated! The cavereminded him of the
abandoned mine he and hisbrother,Tom,hadexploredaschildren growing up inColorado. Their grandfather,whoraisedthem,hadwarnedTom and Alexander to steerclear of its tunnels, but theboys couldn’t helpthemselves.BythetimeTomlefthometojointheairforce,the two brothers knew everytwist and turn. Tom wouldhavelovedthiscave.
“Alexander?”Brand pulled himself out
of his memory. “Yes,Ms.…Lisa.”
“We’rehere.”Brandglancedaround.He
hadn’t noticed that theplatform had sunk into aroom so wide and cavernousit could have doubled as afootball field. Columns heldup the arched ceiling, eachpillar decorated in tiled
mosaics celebrating thedifferent areas of science—geology, chemistry,astronomy, and more.Machines filled the vastroom,alongwithhundredsofworktables littered withcomputer parts, test tubes,circuits, and tools. Scientistsin white lab coats bustledabout, their hands filledwithbizarre instruments andinventions. In the center ofthe room, a round platform
stood a few feet off theground. On it were fiveleather chairs surrounding astrangedesk.Thedeskhadasmall hole cut into it andcircuitry embedded beneathitsglasssurface.
As Brand and Holidayapproached the platform, aglowing sphere shot out ofthe hole in the desk andzippedtowardthem,stoppingwithin inches of their faces.
The sphere was no biggerthanasoftballandcoveredinblueblinkinglights.
“Welcometothenewandimproved Playground, Mr.Brand, Ms. Holiday.” Thevoicecamefromtheblinkingsphere.
“Nice to see you again,Benjamin,” Ms. Holidayreplied.
Unlike the voice in thebroomcloset,theball’svoice
was dignified, proper, andeven a little old-fashioned.Benjamin’s personality waspatterned after one ofAmerica’smostfamousspies,BenjaminFranklin.“Whatdoyouthinkofit?”
“Looks just like the oldPlayground,”Brandsaid.
“At first glance, yes, butwhen you take a closer lookyou will see everything isbeyond state-of-the-art—a
hundred workstations, abiofueled power grid, andevery square inch of wallspacecannowbeadaptedforanunlimitednumberofuses.”
The tiles on the wallsflipped over and convertedinto thousands of televisionmonitors broadcastingeverything from cartoons tothe feed from camerasmounted on ATMs. Theycouldobserveeverycornerof
theworldfromthisroom.“Fancy,” Ms. Holiday
said.“Indeed,” Benjamin said
proudly.“Itwasn’teasyafterHeathcliff and Upgradedestroyed the school, but Ibelievetheplacewillfeellikehomeinnotime.”
“Wehave ameetingwithGeneral Savage. Could youactivate the satellite link?”Ms.Holidayasked.
“Of course,” Benjaminsaid, then emitted a series ofclicks. The tiles on thewallsflippedovertorevealagiant,bullet-shapedhead. Itsownerwas one General Savage, abattle-hardened soldier whohad seen his fair share ofwars—afewhehadfoughtallby himself. It was rumoredthe man could bench-pressfourhundredpoundsandthathis earlobes could deadlifttwenty pounds apiece. His
personalitywasjustastough.“Good morning, sir,”
Brandsaid.Savage nodded. “We’ve
got an emergency.Have yougot your facility up andrunning,Director?”
“All the importantsystems are operational. Alittlenailpoundingwon’tgetin our way,” Brand said. “Istheretrouble,sir?”
Savage’s brows furrowed
so deep they nearly coveredhis eyes. “As you know,NASA satellites monitor theglobe. They’ve found anunusual electricalphenomenon near Akron,Ohio.”
“What kind of electricalphenomenon?” Ms. Holidayasked.
“Imagine every flicker ofelectrical energy beingsapped out of every device
withinathree-blockarea—nolights, no computers, noinstant bank machines.Nothing.”
“Are you suspectingsabotage,sir?Itcouldjustbeablackout,”Brandsaid.
“Not according to thisreport.” Savage lifted a hugestackofpapers,thensetthembackonhisdeskwitha loudthump! “I can’t make headsor tails of any of it, so we
brought in a scientist. In anutshell, someone has builtsomekindofmachine that isliterally sucking electricityoutof thepower lines—evenpullingitoutofbatteries.It’shappened in seven differentlocationsinAkron,Ohio.”
“What kind of amachineneeds all that power?” thelibrarianasked.
“That’s your job to findout,” the General said. “We
don’t know who built it orwhy they are using it, but iftheymean tocausechaosfortheUnitedStatesofAmerica,we need to stop them. Thisdevice could shut downcommunication, defensesystems,hospitals,thepolice,banks, grocery stores,everything. Assemble yourteam,agents.”
“They’re on a mission,sir,” Ms. Holiday said. “But
they’llbebacksoon.”“Well, I hope they’re
close by. You’re going toneedallofyour resourcesonthisone.”
“Space…thefinalfrontier.These are the voyages of thestarshipWheezer. On a five-yearmission toseekoutnewlifeandnewcivilizations,andto boldly go where no nerdhasgonebefore!”
With those words,Wheezer pressed the plunger
on her inhaler and felt itspowerful propulsion systemrocket her out into the inkynothingness of space. Herteam,theNationalEspionage,Rescue,andDefenseSociety,orNERDS,forshort,wasona mission to save theInternational Space Station.They had rocketed throughthe atmosphere in a superjet,docked with the station, puton high-tech space suits, andwere now leaping out of the
airlockintonothingness.Beingasecretagentruled.“Gruubballla!”Flinchsaid
through the space suit’scommunicationdevice.
“Anyonewanttotranslatethatforme?”Wheezerasked.
“He said enoughwith thegoofing,” Pufferfishexplained. “He wants to getbacktoheadquarters.Hesaysthe lunch ladyhasmadehima special dessert today.
Grubberlin…orsomething.”“Gruubballla!” Flinch
cried.“What is Grubberlin?”
Bracefaceasked.“Who knows? He’s had
too many juice boxes,”Gluestick replied. “Aftertwelve I’m not sure he evenknows what he’s talkingabout.”
“Flinch, this is theexperience of a lifetime, and
all you can think about isdessert. Don’t tell me youguys are so used to beingsecret agents that this isboring?Whateleven-year-oldkid gets to save someastronauts?”
Gluestick’s head bobbedin his helmet. “Wheezer’sright.Thisisawesome.Whatagreatopportunitytotestoutthe Z-64 Moon Walk Suits.Each one is specifically
designed to work with ouruniquepowers,”hesaidashestrolled along the outsidesurface of the space station.The chubby boy was theteam’s resident techno-geek,and he obsessed overanything that blinked andbeeped. Wheezer guessedthat, for him, wearing asuperadvanced space suitmade of a flexible, comfy-cozy polymer—completelyairtight—was like ten
birthdays rolled into one.“Myadhesivesworkjust liketheywouldonEarth.”
“That’s great for you, butmy upgrade enhances myallergies and this suit ismaking me itch!” Pufferfishsaid, as she tried to scratchherarmthroughthesuit.
“Well, whatever they’remadeof, theyaren’tstoppingthe amazing powers ofBraceface,” theboysaid.His
helmet’sfaceplateactedlikeaforcefield,keepingoxygeninbut allowing his braces tomorphandgrowashewilledthem.Theyswirledaroundinhis mouth and produced asuperherostatuefeaturinghisownface.
“Gruubballla!” Flinchcried as he beat on his chestlikeagorilla.
As the others talked,Wheezer felt her chest
tightening. Too muchexcitement sometimestriggered her asthma. Sheclosed her eyes and focusedon the inhalers in her hands.She felt the click that meantthe inhalers had switchedfrom rocket boosters tomedicine delivery devices.Then she inserted them intothespeciallydesignedslotsinher helmet. She pushed theplunger and cool mist easedher breathing. She couldn’t
helpbut smile.Sure, shehadasthma,buthereshewasonasecretmissioninouterspace,when less than a year and ahalf ago she couldn’t walkaround the block withoutstoppingtocatchherbreath.
WhenMatilda “Wheezer”Choiwasthreeyearsold,sheoften woke up in the nightunable to breathe. She toldher parents it felt like aninvisible monster was
standing on her chest. Itwasn’t long before a doctordiagnosed her with chronicasthma and prescribed whathe called a metered-doseinhaler—a small canisterhoused inside a plasticplunger—which he saidwould help.When she put itin hermouth, a premeasuredamount of medication wasshot directly down her throatinto her lungs. It usuallymade her feel better, but
sometimes her attacks werestrongandtheinhalerwasnotenough. When her wheezingwas really bad, she used adevice called a nebulizer,which delivered a powerfulmist into her airways. If theinhalerandthenebulizerbothfailed,Matildaspentthenightin the hospital. Some nightsasshelayinherhospitalbed,lookingupat the tileson theceiling and wishing hermotherandfathercouldsleep
by her side, she prayed for anew life—one with sports;fieldtrips;long,uninterruptednights of sleep; and familypets.Butyearspassedandherprayerswentunanswered.
Then one day a Latinoboy with a mouth full oflicorice approached her. Hewas shaking so much fromthe sugar that she couldbarely understand what hewas saying. Then he reached
into his shirt and turned aglowing knob on a strangeharness covering his body.Onetwistandhewasnormal.That was the day she metFlinch.Itwasalsothedayshebecameasecretagent.
Matilda was invited tojoin a team of kids who allhad weaknesses. Flinch washyperactive. Pufferfish wasallergic to everything.Gluestickatetoomuchpaste,
andChoppershadthebiggestbuckteeth she had ever seen.With the help of asupercomputer namedBenjamin and specialnanobyte technology,eachoftheir weaknesses was turnedinto a strength. Flinch’shyperactiveenergymadehimsuperstrong and lightning-fast. Pufferfish’ssuperallergies allowed her todetect lies, danger, and eventhe tiniest clues at a crime
scene. Gluestick’s love ofadhesivesmadehimahumanwall crawler, andChoppers’sbig teeth allowed him tohypnotize people.Unfortunately, Choppers hadturned out to be a criminalmastermindwhohadbetrayedthe team. The new fifthmember was Braceface,whosemonstrousorthodontiacould become any tool. Andfor Matilda, the asthma thathad made her feel so
powerlessbecameherbiggestasset when she was given apair of inhalers that not onlyeased her breathing butallowed her to fly. She stillhadasthma,butnowitdidn’tlimit her. Now she was“Wheezer,” and nothingcouldstopher.
“It’stimetogettowork,”Pufferfish said. “There arethree astronauts aboard thisstation,andthelastthingthey
wanttoseeisabunchofkidsgoofing off outside thewindow. As you know, thestationhasarupturedoxygentank. Unfortunately, theonboardcomputershavegonescrewy and can’t pinpoint itslocation. Even worse, all thetanksarelinked,sosoontheywill all be empty.Our job istofindthedamagedtankandfix it before they run out ofair inside.Therearetanksalloverthestation.Let’ssplitup
andfindit.”“Hopefully before my
lunchiscold!”Flinchsaid.Wheezer closed her eyes
and concentrated. A quicksqueezeandtheinhalerswereblasters again, sending herflyingfartherintospacelikearocket.Sheangledtowardthefar side of the station,marveling at its construction:a series of interconnectedpieces that looked like a
LEGO set assembled by analientoddler.
Asshenearedhersection,she immediately spotted aseepingmilkygasdriftingoutof a white tank mounted onthe outside of the hull. Shepushed a button on the chestplate of her space suit and acable firedamagnetic tether.It connected to the station’smetallic skin and stuck tight.Another button on the chest
plate reeled in the slack andsoonshewaslessthanafootfromthedamage.
“I foundour broken tank.Ithasabig, jaggedhole.Notclearwhatcausedit,”Matildasaid.
Gluestick responded.“Could be anything—piecesof old satellite, rockets, straymeteorites, even a golf ball.There’sa lotof junk floatingarounduphere.”
“GivemehalfanhourandI’llhaveitfixed.”
“Don’t waste a second,”Gluesticksaid.“That’salltheoxygen we have left in oursuits.Doyouneedanyhelp?”
She felt a tap on hershoulder and turned to findGluestick standing behindher.“Howdidyougethere?”
“I walked,” he said,pointingtohisfeet.
“Are you worried about
me,Gluestick?”shesaid.“Um, I just didn’t see
anything, uh, in my sectionand,ah,Ijust…”
Wheezer smiled. She hada little crush on herteammate. It was nice to seehemightfeelthesameway.
“Activate weldinggoggles,”shesaid,andapairofblacklensesdroppeddownfrom her space helmet. Sheclosed her eyes and
concentrated on her hands.Therewas a soft click in theinhaler and a hot, blue flameignitedatthetip.Throughtheblackness of her weldinggogglesshecouldseeitsfaintflickering, and she went towork on the gaping hole intheairtanks.“Thisfixisonlytemporary. These tanks willtear just as easily ifsomething else crashes intothem. Perhaps they shouldbuildsomekindofprotective
shell.”“I’ve been talking with
NASA all day about it,”Gluestick said. “We havetechnology they won’t havefor decades. I think it’s timeweshared.”
As Matilda worked,Gluestick kept her companytalking about his fascinationwith space. It was nice tohave a conversation withDuncan. Most of their usual
interactioninvolvedspyworkandfilingreports.
Alltoosoon,thetankwassealed. “All done,” Matildasaid as a little red lightflashed on her helmet. “Uh-oh.What’sthat?”
“That’s our oxygensupply,” Gluestick said.“Time to go inside,Wheezer.”
“All right, all right.Keepyour space suit on,” Matilda
said, but before she couldunclasp her tether, she wasstruckfrombehindandflungforward. She slammed hardinto Gluestick, causing theboytohithisheadonthesideoftheshipandknockinghimunconscious. A meteoroidabout the size of an orangefloated nearby.Wheezerwassurprised that such a smallthing could hit so hard. Justthenanotheroneflewbyandslammed into the ship. She
turned to see where it hadcome from only to spy asmall wave of sharp spacerocksheading right for them.The station would neversurvive such an onslaught.She’d be lucky if she couldsaveGluestick.
“Uh, I’ve got a problemouthere,”Matildasaid.
“Wheezer, you’d betterget back in here,” Pufferfishcried. “You and Gluestick
onlyhaveacoupleminutesofairleft!”
“I’m a little busy,” shesaidassheaimedherinhalersat a fast-approaching rock.She pulled the trigger. Therewas burst of light, then anexplosion,andintheblinkofan eye the meteoroid wasvaporized—one down and ahundredtogo.Unfortunately,thereboundforceoftheblastslammed her and Gluestick
into the ship. It hurt, but shehadnotimetofullyrecover.
“Gluestick,wakeup!”shecried, but got no response.More of the rocks wereapproachingfast.
Shehad tostop them,buttherewas only oneway, anditwaslikelysuicide.Withouta second thought, Wheezerbravely released her tetherandattached it toGluestick’ssuit.Hewassafe.Shepressedthe plunger on her inhalers
and swerved into the path oftheapproachingmeteoroids.
“Bring it,” she said, andwithanothersqueezesheflewheadfirst into the avalanche,zigzaggingbetweenrocksandzapping them one by one asshe sailed past. When shebroke through the other sideof the rock shower, she usedher inhalers to spin aroundandflybackin.Sheknewshewouldonlygetonemoreshot
at saving the station and shehad tomake it count. So sheclosedhereyestoconcentrate—a nearly impossible taskconsidering theblaringalarmgoing off in her ears and thedizziness she was feelingfrom the lack of oxygen.Somehow she managed towill all the nanobytes in herblood to give her inhalers afull charge of energy. Thescientists at the Playgroundhadwarnedhertoneverbring
the nanobytes to their fullestcharge. They said the blastcould kill her. But what elsecould she do? Gluestick wasin trouble, and so were theastronauts. She had to saveeveryone, even if that meantdying herself. So with herhands glowing like two tinysuns, she took aim at theremaining rocks and pushedthe plungers on her inhalers.The explosion sent herspinning wildly off course,
end over end away from theship … and that’s when herairranout.
Heathcliff Hodges was notinsane.Allyouhadtodowasask him. Sure, he was angryand irrational and hadattackedseveraloftheguardsat the Arlington Hospital forthe Criminally Insane, butanyonewould react thatwayif they had to sit in group
therapy three hours a daylearning how to hug. Everyday he and a collection ofinsane misfits talked abouttheir feelings. It was drivinghimbonkers.
“I almost destroyed theworld,” Dr. Trouble cried,tears streaming out of theeyeholes of the huge blackmask he refused to take offhishead.Ithadbigantler-likeappendages that were
incredibly distracting. Theywerealsopronetopokingtheother patients in the eyes. “Imean, I was this close! If Icould have just gotten mymystic pyramid to line upcorrectlywith thepathof thesun I would have fried theentireEarthlikeanegg!”
“You’ll get anotherchance,”Ragdollsaid,pattinghimontheshoulder.Shewasannoyingly supportive of the
other patients in grouptherapy, which baffledHeathcliff. Ragdoll had builta machine that turned anentire town into paper dolls.Where was her compassionwhen half the population ofAthens, Georgia, wasflattenedlikeapancake?
“No, I won’t!” Dr.Trouble cried. “The sunonlyaligns in that precisemannerevery one thousand years. I
blewit!”“You could always clone
yourself,” said Scanner. Hishigh-tech suit worked like aphotocopier, producingunlimited and perfect copiesof him. He had used hisduplicates to rob banks fromArlington to Dallas. SeemedlikeagreatplantoHeathcliff;unfortunately, the fool hadrun out of toner during aheist. “Make a copy of
yourselfandpackitawayforathousandyears.That’swhatI’ddo.”
Dr. Dozer smiled at thegroup. “Those are all goodideas, but letme remind youthat they are also against thelaw. Does anyone have anylegal ideas that might makeDr.Troublefeelbetter?”
Theroomwassilent.Dr.Dozer frowned. “OK,
well,we’llworkon thatnext
time. For now, I’ve noticedthat Heathcliff hasn’tspoken.”
“Don’t call me that,”Heathcliffsnarled.
“I’m sorry,” the doctorreplied. “Would you preferyourothername?Simon?”
“I’ve given up on thatone,too,”hesaid.
“Then what are youcallingyourself?”
Heathcliff grimaced. “I
haven’tdecided.”“Well, until then, is there
somethingyou’dliketosharewiththerestofthegroup?”
Heathcliff looked aroundthe room with disgust. Heconsidered keeping histhoughts to himself but thenwondered if getting a fewthingsoffhischestmightnotmakehimfeelbetterafterall.
“Ihateallofyou!”
“Hey!” Scanner cried.“That’snotverypositive!”
“Scanner,Heathcliffhasaright to express his anger.This is a safe harbor,”Ragdollsaid.
Heathcliff turned his
angry eyes on Ragdoll. “Iparticularlydespiseyou!”
Ragdollwhimpered.“I’mlosingmymind,”he
continued.“Andyes,Igettheirony that this is a mentalhospital, but I was perfectlysane when I was dragged inhere.Do you knowwhat it’sliketositinmyroomwithoutanydiversions—nobooks,notelevision,noexplosives!Allday and all night I have to
listen to my roommate,Chucky Swiller, giggle likeanidiotattheboogershedigsoutofhisnose!”
“Let’s be honest. Thisisn’t about your situation.This is about the teeth, isn’tit?”Dr.Dozerasked.
Heathcliff frowned.“Yes!My amazing, glorious,magnificent hypnotizingteeth!Knockedoutbyaluckypunch from one of my
bitterest enemies. And now,look at me. I’m powerless.Just some regular kid with agenius-level intelligence—surroundedbymorons!”
Hehuncheddownintohischair and tried to avoid theirpitying eyes.What he didn’twant to tell anyonewas that,along with the therapy, theempty space where his teethhad been was driving himcrazy. He had developed the
habitofpokinghis tongue inandout of the empty cavern,with its coppery-tasting hole,overandoveragain.Hediditdayandnightasifhistonguemight probe once more andfind that his front teeth hadsuddenly returned from along summer vacation. Hecouldstanditnolonger!
He leaped from his chairand yanked it off the floor.Withallhisstrengthhehefted
it against a nearby window,which shattered on impact.Heathcliff dashed for it—prepared to cut himself topiecesifitmeantescape—butbefore he even reached thejagged window frame, twohulking guardswere on him.Both of the men were easilysix foot seven inches tall, allmuscle, with shaved headsandsourfaces.Theywrappedhiminasnugstraitjacketandshackled his hands and feet
withchains that linked intoapadlock at his chest. Theyslipped a hard plastic maskover his face to prevent himfrom biting anyone, thenhoistedhimontoadolly.
“YoudorealizethatwhenI rule this world you willsuffer?”heseethed.
“I believe you’ve madethatclear,”oneguardsaid.
“Youdaremockme?Youwill be the first to taste my
merciless rage,” Heathcliffgrumbled.
“Pipe down!” the otherguard said. “You’ve got avisitor.”
Heathcliffwas rolled intothe visitors’ room. It wasn’tmuch more than a longhallway lined with cubicles.Eachhadachair that facedathickglasswindow.Manyofthe hospital’s patients weretoo dangerous to have direct
contactwith visitors, so theywere separated by thewindow and communicatedby telephone. On the othersidewasa familiar face—hisgoon. The man looked likehe’d lost a fight. One of hiseyes had gone blind and hishair had a peculiar streak ofwhiterunningdownit.
“So,” Heathcliff said intothe phone his guard held tohisear.
Thegoon tried topickuphis phone, but one of hishands was nothing but ametal hook. He struggledwith the receiver and it fellout of his steel claw seventimes before Heathcliff losthispatience.
“Use the other hand, youfool!”
Thephonewasattachedtoa plastic cord that was veryshort. To wrap it around to
his other ear the goonnearlyhadtostranglehimself.
“What do you want?”Heathcliff barked butsuddenly wished he couldtake it back.The goon had areputationasamanwholikedto break bones. Heathcliffsuddenly worried that thethick glass between themmightnotbethickenough.
“I got good news fer ya,boss.”
“Tell me you’re going toget me out of here,”Heathcliffbegged.Hewassoexcited the phone fell fromhis shoulder onto the desk.The guard stared at itindifferently. Heathcliffleaned over so that his earwasnearthereceiver.
Thegoonshookhishead.“Can’tdoit,boss.Thisplaceis tighter than a drum.They’ve got guards guarding
the guards. Never seenanything like it. You knowthey only put the mostdangerous screwballs inhere.”Thegoonpaused.“I’msorry, I didn’t mean to sayyouwasascrewball.”
“Ifyoucan’tfreeme,howcould anything you’ve cometo say be considered goodnews?”
“Ideliveredthepresent.”“The present? What are
youtalkingabout?”“The box and the letter!
Ya know, the one you gaveme in case of direconsequences. You said togive it to Gertrude Baker ifyou ever got arrested. Hermommovedher toOhio,butIgotittoher.”
Heathcliff grinned as heremembered.“IfIwasn’tinastraitjacket,Iwouldhugyou!Good news, indeed. Do you
know what was in the boxandtheletter?”
The goon lookedoffended. “As a goon, I takemy employer’s privacy veryserious. It’s sorta anunwritten rule of theprofession.”
“Well, you would havehardlyunderstood it, but thatpresent will destroy theworld.”
“How is that good news,
boss?”thegoonsaid.“Because ifGerdie Baker
is as smart as I remember,she’s going to build amachine sodangerous they’llbe forced to let me out so Ican stop her. Screwball willsoonbefree!”
“Screwball?IthoughtyouwerecallingyourselfSimon.”
“If the world thinks I’mcrazy, who am I to argue?”Screwballsaid,thenasudden
gigglingfitcameoverhim.Itwentonandon.
“Wow,boss, that laugh iscreepy,”thegoonsaid.
“You like it?” Screwballasked.“I’vebeenworkingonit for a while. I think it hasthe right combination offoreboding and madness.Newname!Newlaugh!Newdoomsdayplot todestroy theworld!”
Thenhelaughedagain.
“Realcreepy,boss.”
ALLRIGHT,LET’SGETTHISTEST
STARTED.THELESSTIMEI’MALONEWITHYOUTHE
BETTER!BEFOREWEGET
STARTED,YOUNEEDTOVERIFYYOUR
IDENTITY,SOPLEASETELLMEYOURCODE
NAME.HEE-HEE.IFORGOT
HOWFUNNYTHATCODENAMEIS…
GIVEMEASECOND.OHBOY!IHAVEN’TLAUGHEDTHATHARDINYEARS.INEARLYWET
MYSELF.OK,NOMORE
GOOFINGOFF.LET’SGETTOTHETEST.TOACCURATELYDEDUCEYOUR
MENTALSTATE,ITISIMPORTANTTHATYOUANSWEREACH
QUESTIONHONESTLY.EVENIFTHOSEANSWERSMAYMAKEYOUAPPEARTOBEA
LOONY-TUNE,YOUSTILLMUSTANSWERASCLOSETOTHE
TRUTHASPOSSIBLE.
EACHQUESTIONISMULTIPLE-CHOICEANDHASFOUR
POSSIBLEANSWERS,WHICHISWHYWE
CALLITAMULTIPLE-CHOICETEST,DUH!SEE,NOWYOU’RE
CATCHINGON.…YOUMIGHTWANTTOWRITEDOWNTHENUMBEROFPOINTSFOREACHOFYOURANSWERSONAPIECE
OFPAPER.LET’SBEGIN.
______________1.WHENPEOPLEDON’TLISTENTOYOURIDEAS,WHAT
DOYOUDO?a.CRY(3POINTS)b.POUTANDSTOMPFEET(2POINTS)
c.BREAK
SOMETHING(5POINTS)
d.PLOTTHEIRDEATHS(10POINTS)______________2.AREPEOPLE
TALKINGABOUTYOUBEHINDYOURBACK?a.OFCOURSETHEYARE!(3POINTS)
b.NO,THEYARETALKINGABOUTMEINFRONTOFMYFACE(2POINTS)
c.NOTSOMUCHTALKINGBUTLOTSOFWHISPERING(6POINTS)
d.WHOCANHEARTHEMWITHALLTHEVOICESIN
MYHEAD?(10POINTS)
______________3.WHATDOYOU
WANTTOBEWHENYOUGROWUP?
a.LORDANDMASTEROFALLISEE(7POINTS)
b.MADSCIENTIST(5POINTS)
c.WICKEDSTEPMOTHER(4POINTS)
d.AMBASSADORTOOURALIENCONQUERORS(10POINTS)______________
4.WHATDOYOUWEARONATYPICAL
DAY?a.AMASKTOHIDEMYHORRIBLYDISFIGUREDFACE(8POINTS)
b.ACAPE,MONOCLE,ANDWALKINGSTICK(4POINTS)
c.ATINFOILHATTOBLOCKMINDREADERS(10POINTS)
d.ASTRAITJACKET(10POINTS)______________
5.WHICHWOULDMAKEYOUTHEMOSTAFRAID?
a.ADARKROOM(3POINTS)
b.ACONFINEDSPACE(3POINTS)
c.HEIGHTS(2POINTS)
d.FRIEDCHICKEN(10POINTS)
OK,NOWADDUPTHEPOINTSANDWRITEDOWNTHETOTAL.EGAD!THAT’SA
HIGHNUMBER.OK,DON’TPANIC.LET’SJUSTMOVEON.KEEPREADINGTHISCASEFILEWHILEICALLADOCTOR,ORTHE
POLICE,ORASWATTEAM.
Gerdie carefully placed tenhotwaterbottlesonherbed,then eased herself on top ofthem.She had never been sosore inher lifeandsheknewwhy—the machine. She hadbeen lugging it allover townfor a week. Every time sheturned iton, it suckedall the
electricity out of thesurrounding area, so shewasconstantlyforcedtofindnewlocations todrawpower.Sheguessed that the machineneededtheenergytoopenthedoorwaystootherworlds,butshe couldn’t wrap her headaround the math to fullyunderstand. Once upon atime, her brain had beenupgraded with nanobytetechnology. Back then therewas nomystery she couldn’t
solve.Ohwell. Shewas stillsmartenoughtomakeherselfbeautiful.
“We’ve both beenworking hard, and it’s timefor our reward,” she said tothe machine, which waspropped up next to her bed.“We’re both gettingmakeovers! I’m getting theworksandyou’regoingtogetsmaller and lighter. I knowthatour realbeauty ison the
inside, but who can see itthrough all these layers ofugly?”
She gingerly sat up andscooped her phone off thenightstand. She tapped a fewnumbers into the keypad andwaited for someone toanswer.
“Hello,thisisthemedicaloffice of Thompson andChase,PlasticSurgeons.HowcanIhelpyou?”
“I’d like to make anappointment,”Gerdiesaid.
“Very good,” thereceptionist said. “Andexactly what procedure areyouinterestedin?”
Gerdieeyedherselfinhermirror.“Younameit.”
“OK,” the receptionistsaid. “And can you give meyourinsuranceinformation?”
“Noneed,”Gerdierepliedas she gazed around her
room. It was filled withgoldenstatues,greatworksofart, buckets of jewels, andexoticfursshehadshopliftedduring her trips to otherworlds. “I’ll be paying incash.”
Matilda’s eyes flutteredopen.
“Gluestick! Is he alive?And what about the spacestation?DidIsaveitfromthemeteoroids?!”
“She’s gone crazy,” avoice said. “If we have tosend her away, I get her
room.”Matilda looked around
and found she was not inouter space but in her ownbedroom, surrounded by hersix older brothers: Marky,Max, Michael, Moses,Mickey,andMobi.
“Whosays?”Mosescried.“I’m the biggest. I need
the space,” Mickey shouted.“Ishouldgettheroom.”
“I’m the oldest,” Marky
declared. “I’ve suffered thelongest.”
“No one is getting myroom,”Matildasaid,buttheyweren’t listening. As usual,the boys’ argument turnedinto a wrestling match, andsix sets of legs and armsthumped around the room,carelessly jostling her prizedpossessions: her autographedphotosofMuhammadAliandTripleH,herauthenticWWE
World HeavyweightChampionshipBelt,a framedphotograph of herself in theUltimate Fighting octagon asheropponent tappedout.Sheleaped to her feet and stoodover the boys with fistsclenched.“Ifyoulosersbreakanything, I will deliver aworld of hurt that you willneverrecoverfrom.”
Theboysstaredatherforamoment,laughed,thenwent
back to their battle royal.Enraged, she leaped into thecrowdandjoinedthefight.
“ENOUGH!” a voicecried. Their mother hadentered the room, and fromher tone, shewas angry.Thefighting stopped and theseven Choi children lay onthe floor, breathing hard andstaringupattheirmotherlikeshewasafour-stargeneral.
Matilda’s mother’s real
name was Mi-sun, but shewent by Molly. She wassmall in stature, with longdark hair and murky browneyes. When she smiled, shewaslikeafloweropeningforthe first time, but when shewas angry, she looked morelike a dragon with smokeescapingfromhernose.
“You’re lucky Momshowedup,”Mobimuttered.
“When I was finished
withyouguys,thetoothfairywould have had to file forbankruptcy!” Matildawhisperedback.
“Boys, disappear,” Mollysaid.“Iwanttoseehowyoursister is feeling and you aremakinghercrazy.”
When her brothers weregone,Mollycrossedtheroomand stopped at the window.Resting on the sill was ahareubang: a small stone
creature shaped like a totempolewithamushroomhat. Ithadbulgingeyesandakindlysmile. Molly had givenMatilda the statue for“protection.”Itwassupposedto ward off evil spirits.Unfortunately, it had nopower over her brothers,unless,ofcourse,shethrewitatthem.
“The lunch lady fromschool brought you home
yesterday. You’ve beenasleep ever since,” Mollysaid.“She isaveryodd ladywithaverydeepvoice.Whatwereyoudoingatschool?It’ssummervacation.”
Matildagulped.Whatwasshe supposed to say? I live adouble-lifeasasecretagent?I have superpowers? Myschool has a secretheadquarters in thebasement? The lunch lady
isn’treallyalunchladybutaspywhofliesarockethiddenunder the gym floor?And…he’snotreallyalady?
“I’m taking summerclasses,” Matilda lied. “If Iwant to get into a goodcollege,Ihavetogetahead.”
“You are eleven!” Mollysaid. “College is a long wayoff.”
Matilda could see thedoubt in her mother’s face.
Molly’s suspicions weregrowing daily. Her momknewnothingaboutMatilda’ssecret life—only herexplanations about “after-school sports” and“detentions”—but shewasn’tdumb. Too many timesMatilda’s two worlds hadcollided, and it was just amatter of time before hersecond life as a secret agentwouldberevealed.
She watched her mompickupthestoneidol.“Whatdo you think, oldgrandfather? Old grandfathersees everything, Matilda. Helooks after you and grantswishes. Your grandmothergave him to me before Imoved toAmericawith yourfather.Wewishedforababy.Clearly, it works. In fact, Imay have to send oldgrandfather away. No morebabies,oldgrandfather.
“Someday, he will helpyou when it is your time toleadthisfamily.”
“Mother!”Molly laughed. Her
ancestors were from a smallisland at the southern tip ofSouth Korea called Jeju-do.Molly had told Matilda theisland had three things inabundance: rocks, wind, andwomen. Women, likeMatilda’s grandmother,
Tammora, were the heads ofhouseholds. They managedthe families and the financesand made most of thedecisions in the localgovernment. Molly had beenraised to do the same. Itseemed to work in theirfamily, as Matilda’s fatherwas a scatterbrained artistwho couldn’t balance hischeckbook.
“Your brothers tease you,
but eventually theywill lookto you for guidance. Theywill need it, too. A few ofthem are knuckleheads—sweet, lovable, butknuckleheads. But I worryabout you, littleM.You livea life of mystery, and yourwords are thick with secrets.Sometimesyoutellmethingsthatarenottrue.”
Matilda looked out thewindow rather thanmeet her
mother’sgaze.“I should punish you …
but I believe there is animportant reasonbehindyourlies. Perhaps you fight evillike old grandfather? Hechases off devils, darkcreatures, monsters, andinvadersfromotherworlds.”
“More Old Grandfather,Molly?”avoicesaidfromthedoorway. Matilda turned tosee her father, Ben Choi.
Though his ancestors werefromKorea,hehadgrownupin San Francisco. Ben metMolly when he visited herisland. He saw her in thestreet and asked to take herpicture. It was love at firstsnapshot. But lately thingshad been tense. Matilda’sparents had been arguing formonths. “How are you, peapod?”
“I’mfine,really!”Matilda
said. “Maybeoldgrandfathercan tell me how to get myparentstostoparguing?”
Molly set the stoneguardianback in its placeonthe windowsill and turned toBen. “Have you hadbreakfast?”
Heshookhishead.“Good, then you can
cook,”Mollysaid.Benlaughed.Matilda’sheartfilledwith
hope. They were the firstsmiles she had seen on herparents’ faces ina long time.Just then she let loose asneezesostrongitruffledherblankets. Matilda frowned.She didn’t have a cold. Hersneeze was caused by thecomlink implant in her nose.It wasn’t long before shecould hear Agent Brand’svoiceinherear.
“Wheezer, we have an
emergencymission. Can yougettotheroof?”
“The roof? Right now?”Matildagrumbled.
Her mother cocked aneyebrow then turned to herfather. “The child is so odd.Shespeakstoherself.Iblameyou. You have crazies onyoursideofthefamily.”
Herdadfrowned.“You’retheonetalkingtostatues.”
Matilda led them both to
her door. “I’m really notfeeling well enough forbreakfast. I’ll just goback tobed, but you two go havesomefun.”
“We gave up fun aboutsevenkidsago,”Bensaid.
Matildausheredthemintothehall thenclosed thedoor.She quickly changed into ablackshirtandapairofneonpurple pants, then pulled onher favorite pair of combat
boots.She tookaquickpeekin themirror.Herhairwasalittle tooneat, so shemesseditupuntilshelookedlikeshehadbeenmugged.Perfect!
She opened her bedroomwindow and climbed out onto the trellis that led to theroof. There she found a ropeladder hanging down fromabove. She looked up andsaw a big yellow jet planehovering silently over her
home. She climbed the roperung by rung and found theschool bus at the top. AgentBrand pulled her into theship.
“I hope you know I’mskipping a very importantbreakfastwithmyparentsforthis,”shesaid.
“Sorryifsavingtheworldgot in the way of your RiceKrispies,”hereplied.
Matilda sighed. No one
knew her troubles at home.Forsolongshehadhopedherparents’ fighting would goaway. Now it seemed to begetting worse. Her only realbreak from it came from herworkasaspy.
She strapped herself intoherseatjustastheshipaimedits nose toward the heavens.Withanear-poppingblast,itsenginesshotthemallintothestratosphere.Shelookedover
and noticed Duncan sittingbeside her. She gave him asmileandgotoneback.
“Thanks for saving mylife,”hesaid.
“You’re welcome. Whosavedmine?”
“That would be me,”Jackson said from his seatbehind them. “I used mybracestoclingtotheshipandfound you floating aroundlike a rubber ducky in a
bathtub. Thank-yous can besentascashgifts.”
Matilda laughed. “What’sthe big, important missionnow?”
Pufferfish shrugged. “AllI know is we’re going toAkron,Ohio.”
“Akron, Ohio? Whatcouldpossiblyhappenthere?”
“Ifthereportsaretrue,it’ssomething very unsettling,”AgentBrandsaid.“I’llletthe
chiefofpoliceexplain.”Tenminuteslatertheship
was rocketing back throughthe atmosphere.Ms. Holidayopened the hatch, thenhanded the children theirparachutes. Matilda was thefirst to leap out into the sky,and she studied Akron fromabove. It seemed utterlyordinary—not the kind ofplace that needed theassistance of a team of
superspies.Shelandedablockfroma
policestation.Herteammatesfollowed, and together theygathered their gear beforeanyone noticed them. At thestation, Wheezer spotted ahandwritten sign taped to thefront door. It explained thatthe station was currentlywithoutelectricity.
Pufferfish showed thedesk sergeant her badge.Not
manypeoplehadever seenaNational Espionage, Rescue,andDefenseSocietyI.D.,andthe police officer laughed.“This is a joke, right? Hey,everybody, thefederalagentsthey sent are here. Do wehaveanyjuiceboxes?”
The officer nearly felloverlaughing.
“You’re kids?” a portlyman said as he entered theroom. “Oh, well, it’s not the
craziestthingI’veseentoday.I’mChiefChrisChurchill.I’llshow you the … um,problem.”
Heescorted the team intothe basement lockup usingonlyaflashlight.
“So you kids are spies,huh?”
“Sorry, you don’t havesecurity clearance highenough to know that,”Wheezersaid.
ChiefChurchill shrugged.“Listen, I’m going to warnyou. What we have downhereisabitontheweirdside.I’vegotacoupleofficerswhohave had to take the day offtogetoverit.”
“It’s a monster, isn’t it?”Flinchsaid,rubbinghishandstogetherinsatisfaction.
“You’llhavetojudgethatfor yourself,” Churchill saidas he led them into a small
office where three dogs—agolden retriever, a poodle,and a Chihuahua—were heldinacage.
“This is what has gottenyou so worked up, Chief?”Matilda asked. “Are youafraidoffleas?”
“Listen, kids, we foundthem wandering the streetsand thought they were abunchofstraysuntil…”
Suddenly,Matildagot the
shockofherlife.“Let me out of here. I
have my rights!” the goldenretrievercried.
“No way!” shoutedBraceface.
“Incredible!” Gluesticksaid.
“Better than monsters!”Flinchlaughed.
“You can’t keep us,” theChihuahua barked. “I’m alawyer.I’llsueyouforevery
pennyyouhave.”“I demand a phone call!”
thepoodlecried.Pufferfish bent down to
getacloser lookat thedogs.“Um, how did you get sosmart?”
The retriever snarled.“What kind of a stupidquestionisthat?”
“Dogs don’t talk,” shesaid.
“Yeah, on what planet?”
thepoodlebarked.“This one,” Matilda
replied. The wholeconversationwasmaking herfeelnauseated.“Areyoupartofsomesecretexperiment?”
The poodle steppedforward. “Kid, I’m anaccountant.Igotaboyfriend,and he’s probably worriedaboutme.”
“Areyousayingyoucamefrom some place where all
dogs can talk? How did yougethere?”
The Chihuahua whined.“There was this light, thenthis tearing sound, and thenallofasuddenyoupeoplearestaringatuslikewe’refreaksinacarnival.”
“Are they saying youcame from another world?”Pufferfishasked.
“I’m not sayinganything,” the retriever
responded. “You’re sayingthat. We’re from Earth, aplace where all dogs talk—cats,too!Andafewsquirrelsand fish. What’s this placecalled?”
Matilda turned back toface her team. They all hadthe same stunned expression.“Chief, if you’ve had anyother weird events in thistownlately,we’dliketohearaboutthem.”
Officer:WhenwasthelasttimeyousawGerdie?
Linda:Easy.Shecamedowntothebackyardyesterdaytoruinourlives!
Officer:Pardon?Luanne:Wewereinthe
backyardpracticingfortheNCAJuniorAll-Startryoutswhen—
Officer:NCA?Luanne:Cheerleading!
Geez,don’tyouknowanything?TheNationalCheerleadingAssociation.Thetryoutsforoneof
thenationalsquadsareinafewdays!
Officer:OK.Howdidsheruinyourlives?
Linda:Shecameoutinhercrazycostumerightinthemiddleofourpyramid.
Officer:Huh?Wendy:Apyramidisa
cheerleadingstuntwherethegirlsstackontopofoneanother.It’sshapedlikeda—
Officer:Iknowwhatapyramidis!Whatwasthecostume?
Luanne:Shecamedowninoneofourcheerleadingoutfitsandher
freakmask.Wendy:It’snotafreak
mask,girls.Luanne:That’swhat
you’vebeencallingitbehindherback.
Wendy:Luanne,that…um…that’snottrue.
Linda:Yesitis.Yousaiditfivesecondsbeforethecops
showedup.Officer:Freakmask?Wendy:Gerdierecently
hadsomecosmeticsurgery,andherfacehasbeenwrappedinbandagesforthelastfourweeks.
Linda:Sosheshouldbeeasytofind.Justlookforagirlwholookslikea
mummywearingacheerleadingoutfit.
Luanne:Andthebigmachinestrappedtoherback.Thatshouldbeeasytospot.
Officer:Bigmachine?Linda:Yes,ithadthese
bigtubesandalltheselights.Itlookedlikeit
weighedaton.Officer:Whatkindof
gameareyouplaying?
Wendy:Excuseme?Officer:Youknow
there’salotofcrimeoutthereinthiscity.We’vehadthesecrazyblackoutsthatarecausingallkindsofproblems.You
can’tcallthepolicewithsomesillystory—
Wendy:We’renotmakingthisup!She’swearingacheerleadingoutfit.Herfaceiswrappedinbandages.She’sgotsomethingasbigasatrashcantiedtoherback.
Luanne:Youhavetotakethisseriously.Sheruinedourlives.Iwantyoutofindher,arresther,andmakeherbreakrocksinjail.
Officer:OK,let’sjustassumewhatyou’retellingmeisn’ttheresultof
agasleakinyourhome.Howdidthisdisfiguredcheerleaderruinyourlives?
Linda:Shescaredthepyramid.Everyonefell.Mysisterbrokehercollarbone.Ihaveasprainedankle.Everyoneonthesquadwas
injured.We’llnevermakeoneofthenationalsquadsnow.Wemightevenloseourspotsonthelocalteam!
Luanne:Plus,shestoodoverusandsaidtheharshestthings.Shesaidwewerealousyfamily.Shesaid
wewerejerksandshewasgoingtotheNCAtryoutsherselftotakeourspots.Thenshesaidweweren’tprettyenoughtobecheerleaders!
Linda:That’sjustmean!Officer:OK,IthinkI’ve
heardenough.
Wendy:Soyouhaveenoughinformationtofindmydaughter?
Officer:No,butIhaveenoughinformationtohavethethreeofyouarrested.YouhavetherighttoremainsilentandI
suggestyouembracethatright.Anythingyousaycanandwillbeusedagainstyouinacourtoflaw—
Linda:Hey,we’retellingthetruth.
Officer:Calmdown—Wendy:Getoffme!Luanne:Getyourhands
offmymom.
Officer:I’mwarningyou,lady—
Luanne:Hithimwithalawnchair!
Atthispoint,theofficerfiredhisTaserthree
times,incapacitatingtheBakers.Theywere
arrestedforassaultandfilingafalsecrimereport.AllthreewerebeingheldintheSummitCounty
Jail.
IfGerdieBakeractuallyexists,herwhereabouts
areunknown.SEEATTACHEDCOMPOSITEDRAWINGOF
“GERDIEBAKER.”
Matilda and the NERDSreturned to the Playgroundto make their report. Withtalking dogs, radiation spots,blackouts, and psychoticcheerleaders, Matilda couldbarely make sense of theevidence,soshewasstunnedwhen Ruby said she knew
whohadcauseditall.“Her code name was
Mathlete,” Ruby said. “Shewasoneofus.”
“Back up,” Matilda said.“How do you know itwas amember of NERDSresponsible for all this weirdstuff?”
“TheMathlete’srealnamewas Gerdie Baker,” Rubysaid.
“Themissinggirlwiththe
plastic surgery!” Matildasaid.
“Gerdie? She can’t beresponsible for this,” Ms.Holiday said. “She wasalwayssosweet.”
Ruby shook her head.“I’mafraidtheevidencesaysotherwise. While you weretalkingtodogs,BenjaminandIdugupeverythingwecouldon Gerdie—history, casefiles, recent actions …
Benjamin?”Thelittleblueorbhovered
over the hole in the glassdesk. Clicking and spinning,it projected a movinghologramof a very awkwardyoung girl. She was fightingoff a team of ninja assassinswithgleamingswordsintheirhands.Theyrushedather,butthe girlmatched their assaultfistforfist.Withoutwarning,her attackers flew backward
and hit the wall, where theycrumbledlikechildren’stoys.
“Ilikeherstyle!”Matildasaid.
Benjaminchirped.“Team,this is Gertrude Baker,formerly code-namedMathlete.Hertalentwaswithequations, and her upgradesallowed her brain to processcomplex problems atlightningspeed.”
“What kind of a lousy
upgrade is that?” Matildaasked.
“Lame!”Jacksonagreed.Ruby shook her head.
“With her supercalculatorhead she could predict theactions of her opponents andexploit theirweaknesses.Shecould also calculate thecorrect balance and leverageneeded to move impossiblyheavythings.”
Animageappearedofthe
girl leaping onto a beamjammed underneath a car.The car popped up andflippedseveraltimes.
“OK, that was cool,”Flinchsaid.
“Math made her into asuperhero,”Duncansaid.“Sowhy’dsheleave?”
“Her mother moved thefamily to Ohio when shedivorced Gertrude’s father,”Ms. Holiday said. “Likemany members of the team,her parents were unaware of
her secret life. Parents in thedark sometimes makedecisions for their childrenthat takethemawayfromus.Gerdie’s nano improvementswere removed, and Matildawas brought in to be herreplacement.”
“I was her replacement?”Matildaasked.
“Indeed. Though itappears she has continued tousehersuperiormathskills,”
Benjaminsaid.“And they’ve ledher toa
life of crime,” Agent Brandsaid,joiningthemeetingwithastackoffilesunderhisarm.“We’re certain she’s behindthechaosinOhio.”
Ms. Holiday gasped.“Alexander, I only met heronce, but I can’t believe shewoulddosuchathing.”
“How many thought thesame of Heathcliff Hodges?
Nowhe’sinamentalhospitalforthecriminallyinsane.”
“Actually, I had mysuspicions about him,”Jacksonsaid.
“I’m sorry, Ms. Holiday,but Mr. Brand is right,”Duncan said. “From whatI’ve read, Gerdie is the onlyperson in Akron—maybeeveninNorthAmerica—whohasthebrainpowertocreateadevice that steals electricity.
Though all that electricity isprobablybeingusedtopowersomething else—something alotmoredangerous. Ibelieveshe’s messing around withthemultiverse.”
“Huh?”Flinchasked.“Themultiverse,”Duncan
said. “Didn’t you guys readBartlett’s QuantumIrregularities paper inScientific Americanmagazine?”
“Sorry, I must havemissed that one,” Jacksonsaid.
“I’ll try to simplify it asmuch as possible,” Ms.Holiday said. “You’ve allheard of the universe,correct?”
“Sure,” Matilda offered.“Theuniverseiseverything—Earth, the moon, the stars,foreverandever.”
“That’s right, Wheezer,”
Ms. Holiday said. “Theuniverse is everything. Nowimagine there was another‘everything.’ Imagine therewasanotherEarth,andmoon,and stars—existing in theexact same place, only in adifferent dimension. Imagineithadpeopleandanimalsandoceansandland.”
“Two Earths?” Pufferfishsaid.
“More than just two.
Imagine there are thousands,millions, even billions ofuniverses like ours—only intheir own dimensions.Benjamin, could you be sokind as to visuallydemonstrate?”
Benjamin projected aholographic image of Earthbefore their eyes. Then itduplicated the image. Thenagain, and again, and again,until the copies filled the
entireroom.Matildacouldbarelywrap
her head around the idea.“Exactlylikeours?”
Ms. Holiday shook herhead.“Notexactly,andthat’swhere the multiverse getsinteresting. Some of theseEarths are a lot like ours,while some you wouldn’tevenrecognize.”
“IhavetoadmitI’mabitlost,”AgentBrandsaid.
“Thinkofitlikethis,”Ms.Holiday told them. From herhandbag she took two candybars, which she placed infront of Flinch on the desk.“Flinch has two candy bars.He can choose to eat thecoconut-peanutbarhereorhecan choose the one madefrom nougat and honey.Whichonedoeshechoose?”
Flinch looked distressed.It was clear thatmaking this
choice was probably thehardestthinghehadeverhadto do in his short life. Hishead went back and forthfrom one treat to the other,likehewaswatchingatennismatch, until he finallysnatched the coconut bar.Hetore open its packaging andateitgreedily.
“SoFlinchmadeachoiceand the rest of his life willmove forward according to
that choice. But themultiverse allows for otherpossibilities. If the theory iscorrect, there is anotherFlinch,inanotheruniverse,inanother dimension, where hechose the nougat-and-honeycandybar.”
“Who cares which candybar he ate?” Matilda said.“What difference will itmake?”
“Very little, probably,”
Ms. Holiday replied. “Butsometimes the decisions aremuch bigger and have muchwider consequences. In themultiverse there’s an Earthwhere the Germans wonWorld War II. There’s anEarth where NativeAmericans still control thiscontinent. There’s probablyeven an Earth whereeveryoneisaprowrestler.”
“Awesome,”Matildasaid.
“Is there an Earth outtherewhere I ate both candybars?” Flinch asked, eyeingtheothertreat.
Ms. Holiday giggled.“Yes. There could even beone where you didn’t eatthem.Maybeyouhadcarrotsandhummusinstead.”
“Iassureyouthereisnot,”Flinch said, licking hisfingers. “There might be atrillion versions of me, but
not one of them would pickcarrots and hummus over achocolatebar.”
“Theremight be a Flinchwhoisallergictopeanutsandcoconut and got very sickfrom eating the candy bar.There’s one where he is adonkey who likes candy.Another,wherehewasneverborn. Still another, wherecandy was never invented,and so on and so on. All of
themexist—theyarereal—ontheir own Earths, at leastaccording to the theory. Doyouunderstand?”
“Sure,Iget it,”Pufferfishsaid. “There are a billiondifferent me’s, some good,some bad, some that don’tswell up like a balloonwhenever I eat eggs. Whatdoes this have to do withMathleteandhermachine?”
Duncan stepped forward.
“We can’t be sure until wequestion her, but I believeshe’s using some sort ofdevice that builds a bridgefrom our world into thosealternateEarths.”
“Someone’s beenwatching too much StarTrek!”Matildasaid.“Even ifshe did build something likethat—why? What would shegainfromit?”
“We think we know,”
Benjamin said. The tiles onthe walls flipped over toreveal a massive televisionscreen displaying GerdieBaker’s face. “Four weeksagoMathletevisitedadentist.Sheorderedasetofporcelainveneers forher teethandhadherjawfracturedtocorrectanunfortunate under-bite. Theproceduresintotalcostnearlythirty-fivethousanddollars.”
“Somaybehermothergot
a good job or won thelottery,”Jacksonsaid.
“According to this report,Gerdie didn’t pay withmoney. She paid with this.”Brand snapped his fingersand the image changed fromsad Gerdie Baker to anancient treasure chestoverflowing with gold coins,pearls,andsilverchalices.
Flinch stuffed the othercandy bar into his mouth.
“Wheredidshegetthat?”“Certainly not from
around here. This was foundwithit,”Benjaminsaidasoneof the coins zoomed intofocus.Onitwasapictureofastrange animalwith the headofanowl,thebodyofabear,and a long tail like a snake.The creature was wearing acrown. An inscription read,CoinoftheRealm.HisRoyalHighness Doogan the Fifth,
King of Zedavia andSurroundingRealms.
“Zedavia?”Matildaasked.“I’ve never heard of thekingdomofZedavia.”
“That’s because it didn’texist—at least not on ourworld. I’ve researched everyhistorybookinourdatabase,”Ms.Holidaysaid.“Ifitwasarealplace,Iwouldbeabletofind it. I may be a spy, butI’malibrarian,too.”
Gerdie’s face came backonscreen, and Brandcontinued.“Aweeklater,Ms.Bakerwenttoadermatologistwhere she was given a laserdermabrasionprocedureandafacialandporetreatmentthatcost nearly two thousandbucks.Sheorderedapackageoftenspray-ontansandateabag massage. She paid withthis.”
An image of a painting
appeared on the screen. Itlooked a lot like the MonaLisa.
“She stole theMona Lisaout of the Louvre?” Matildaasked.
“Thisisn’ttheMonaLisa.Look closer,” Benjaminchirpedas the imagezoomedinonthefamouspainting.
Matilda studied theportrait. It was the samepainting she had seen a
million times in books. Butwhen she peered closer, shesawsomethingpeculiarinthebackground: silver half-moon–shapedcrafts hoveringin the sky shooting lasersdown on the countrysidebelow.
“An alien invasion!”Matildasaid.
“Some idiot painted acopyandaddedajoke,”Rubysaid.
Mr.Brandshookhishead.“No,we’vehadarthistoriansstudy the brushstrokes. Thispainting was made byLeonardo da Vinci—or atleast a Leonardo da Vinci.Wefoundastrandofabrushin the paint and had it testedfor age. It dates back to thesixteenth century. Thesignature is also an exactduplicate.”
“There’smore,”Benjamin
said. “The next day, Ms.BakerhadaconsultationwithDr. Abigail Contessa, aplasticsurgeontothestars inLos Angeles. The day afterthat she received fiftythousand dollars worth ofprocedures, including a nosejob,collageninjectionsinherlips, a brow lift, and an eartuck.”
“You can do that?”Duncan said as he self-
consciously tugged on hislobes.
“Let me guess,” Jacksonsaid. “She paid withsomething that shouldn’texist?”
Brand nodded and livevideoofanoddbirdappearedon the screen. It had grayfeathers, thick yellow talons,and a large beak shaped liketheendofawoodenspoon.
“It’sadodo,”Ms.Holiday
said. “Dodos have beenextinct for nearly threehundredyears.”
“So Gerdie Baker isstealingfromalternateworldsto pay for makeovers,”Matilda said. “What do wedo? We don’t havejurisdiction over themultiverse.”
“It’s much worse thansome interdimensionalshoplifting,” Agent Brand
said. “There have been whatwe’ve come to call‘crossovers.’ Things havebeen coming into our world—things that should not behere.”
“Like the talking dogs?”Duncanasked.
“Worse,”Brandsaid.The screen showed four
strange creatures with blacktentacles all over their faces.Though shaped like men,
each had awidewound of amouth filled with sharp,pointy teeth. They werelocked ina jail cell, shoutingangrily.
“OK,” Jackson said. “I’mofficiallyfreakedout.”
“That’s just thebeginning,”Brandsaid.
Matilda’smindfilledwithworst-case scenarios. “Sowetrack down Mathlete andarresther.”
“Not so simple,” Mr.Brand said. “She’s hadextensive work done on herface, and her doctors arereluctant to talk to us.Performingplasticsurgeryona minor is unethical. Whoknowsifherfacewouldhavechanged naturally as she gotolder? Besides, the doctorsonly saw her swollen facewhen she left their offices.Mathletenevercamebackforherfollowups.”
“Wedon’tknowwhatshelookslike?”Pufferfishasked.
“No one knows what shelooks like. Not even hermother and sisters—as youknow, she ran away fromhome.”
Matilda rolled her eyes.Why would someone havesurgery to change theirappearance? She liked howshe looked, and who caredwhat other people thought of
it?“Letmegetthisstraight,”
Jackson said. “We’researching for someone whohasbeentrainedasaspy.Wehave no idea what she lookslike.Ifwefindher,shehasamachine that lets her escapeintootherworlds.”
Brandnodded.“Grubblin-oogh!” Flinch
said, pounding on his chest.Thesugarfromthecandywas
coursingthroughhim.“We do think we have a
lead,” Brand said. “TheNational CheerleadingAssociationishostingseveralweek-longcamps for its eliteperformers that end with anational competition here inD.C. We believe Gerdie hastriedoutandmadeoneofthejunior teams and is nowpracticing at one of thecamps. Based on more
strangeelectrical activity,wethinkweknowwhichcamp.”
“The bad guy is acheerleader?”Jacksonasked.
“Aren’ttheyall?”Matildasaid.“Ihatecheerleaderswiththeir stupid skirts and phonysmiles. I don’t know howanybody could have suchlittle self-respect to cheer fora bunch of muscle-headsthrowingaballaround.Well,I’m going to enjoy this
mission!Wego to the camp,figure out which one isGerdie, then lay thesmackdown on her! Betteryet, we lay the smackdownon the entire squad until oneof them confesses, and I getto try out a few newsubmission holds. Everyonewins!”
Brand shook his head.“There will be no laying ofthe smack. We’re thinking
something subtler than asteel-cagematch.Oneofyouisgoingundercover.Therestwill act as information andtacticalsupport.”
“Awesome! I alwayswanted to go undercover. Ifinally get to be JamesBond,”Jacksonsaid.
“Notyou,Jackson.”“What?? I’m perfect for
this!I’mthemostcharming,Iwearclothesthatfit—”
“Unlessyouwanttoweara skirt and a wig, I don’tthink this job is right foryou,”Ms.Holidaysaid.
The lunch lady overheardas he passed through the labandgruntedangrily.
“This camp is girls-only.The perfect agent for thisassignment is Matilda,”AgentBrandsaid.
“Me?”“Yes. You’re going to
become a competitivecheerleader.”
Matilda stared at Brandand Holiday like they werespeakingadifferentlanguage.
“Ican’tbeacheerleader!”Matilda cried. “Didn’t youjust hear me? I hatecheerleaders! Besides, if youhaven’t noticed, I’m nothinglikeacheerleader.Theyhaveto be nice and friendly andfullofpositiveenergy.Ihave
season tickets to themonstertruck rally. I arm-wrestlecollege students for moneyevery Saturday in the park. IspendmyfreetimeanalyzingUltimate Fighting. I’m notcheerleadermaterial.”
“Plus, she’s a spaz,”Jacksonsaid.
Matilda reached forJackson and put him in aheadlock. He struggled butcould not free himself. “See
what I just did? Docheerleaders put their friendsintochokeholds?”
“Agent Wheezer!” BrandbellowedbeforeMs.Holidayinterruptedhim.
“Matilda,youarethemostagile member of the team—cheerleadershavetobeagile.Youarealsothemostfearless—andcheerleadershavetobefearless.”
“You are also loud and
obnoxious.You’reperfectforthismission,”Flinchargued.
“You want to be in achoke hold, too? SendPufferfish!”
“I’m allergic to pom-poms,”Ruby said, scratchingat her arm. “And organizedsports and … being peppy.And talking about organizedsportsandbeingpeppy.”
Matilda releasedJackson’s head. “If you
haven’t noticed, I’m likeleaderofthetomboys.”
“We’re bringing someoneinwhocanhelp,”Brandsaid.“She’ll teach you all themoves.”
“It’s going to take morethan that,” Jackson said.“She’skindofamess.”
“Oh, that’s not offensiveat all,” Matilda said, thenforced him back into thechokehold.
“Your cheerleading coachwill teach you the routinesand make you look the part.She’s got a lot ofexperience,” Brand said.“Mindy?”
A door opened, and agorgeousplatinum-hairedgirlin a black bodysuit steppedinto the room. Her legs hadknives strapped to them andherbeltwaslinedwithrazor-sharpthrowingstars.
“Brand, if you call meMindy one more time, I’mgoingtogiveyouamakeoverwith my boot. The name istheHyena.”
AFTERTHATLASTQUIZ,I’M
CONVINCEDTHATYOUAREN’TWELL.BUTDESPITETHEFACTS,THEHEAD
OFFICESTILLWANTSTOCONTINUETHE
TESTING.COMPLETE.WASTE.OF.TIME.
AGAIN,ANSWERTHEQUESTIONS,THEN
TOTALYOURPOINTS.
______________1.ADOGBITESYOU.WHATDOYOUDO?a.RUNCRYINGTOTHEHOSPITAL(4POINTS)
b.ENJOYTHEBEAUTIFULPAINANDTHANKTHEDOG(9POINTS)
c.TRACKTHEDOGBACKTOITS
FAMILYANDEXACTREVENGEONALLOFTHEM(9POINTS)
d.BITETHEDOGBACK(10POINTS)______________2.ASTRANGERSMILESATYOU.
WHATDOYOUDO?a.RUNTOYOURSECRETPLACE
WHERENOONECANSEEYOU(7POINTS)
b.SMILEBACK(1POINT)
c.SHAKEYOURFISTSANDCHASEHIMTHROUGHTHESTREETS(9POINTS)
d.REMINDHIMTHATBARINGHISTEETHISA
SIGNOFAGGRESSIONINTHEANIMALKINGDOM—THENATTACK!(10POINTS)
______________3.WHATDOYOU
LIKETOWATCHONTV?
a.DOCUMENTARIESABOUTRUTHLESSDICTATORS(7POINTS)
b.STATIC(7POINTS)
c.IDON’TOWNATV.“THEY”CANSEEMETHROUGHIT.(10POINTS)
d.IHADATV.IHITITWITHABAT.NOWITDOESN’TWORK.(10POINTS)______________4.IFYOUHADA
BILLIONDOLLARS,
WHATWOULDYOUSPENDITON?
a.DEATHRAY(10POINTS)
b.SECRETFORTRESS(5POINTS)
c.ARMYOFGOONS(7POINTS)
d.ARMYOFUNICORNSWITHHORNSTHAT
SHOOTFIRE(TRICKQUESTION!—WHOWOULDN’TWANTANARMYOFUNICORNSWITHHORNSTHATSHOOTFIRE?)
______________5.CONFESS
SOMETHINGTHATNOONEKNOWSABOUTYOU.
a.IATTENDASCHOOLFORWIZARDS(10POINTS)
b.IDATEAVAMPIRE(10POINTS)
c.I’MTHECHILDOFAGREEKGOD(10POINTS)
d.I’MADETECTIVEWHOINVESTIGATESCRIMESCOMMITTEDBYFAIRY-TALECHARACTERS(10POINTS)OK,LET’SHEARTHATNUMBER.
GREATGOOGLY-MOOGLY!IDIDN’TKNOWNUMBERSWENTTHATHIGH!EXCUSEMEWHILEIBACKAWAYFROMYOU…SLOWLY.
TheHyena dashed into thehallway, heart racing, andslammedthedoorbehindher.
“I told you it wasn’t safeto go in there unarmed,”Jacksonsaid.
The Hyena gingerlytouched the red welt aroundhereye.“Noonetoldmeshe
wassuchapitbull.Ifoughtarabid tigerwith aWiffleballbat once, but it was a kittencomparedtoher.”
“Wheezer’s not happyabout this mission,” Duncansaid.
Therewasaterriblecrashfrom behind the trainingroomdoor.
“Well, she needs to growup. She’s a secret agent andthisisherjob.What’sthebig
deal about a little exfoliatingandahot-oiltreatment?”
“Noonewantstohearthatthey could be pretty if theyjust tried. It’s insulting,”Rubyexplained.
“Listen,herhairlookslikea Swiffer sheet in need of achange. Her skin issandpaper. She’s got oneeyebrow,andherclotheslooklikeapileofdirtylaundry.”
“Wheezer looks like that
becauseshewantsto,”Flinchsaid.
“Yeah, she likes beingdifferent,” Jackson said.“Cheerleaders tend to lookalike.Turningher intooneisherworstnightmare.”
“It doesn’t help that thepersondoingthemakeoverisa former beauty queen,either,”Duncanadded.
“I don’t know what youguys think I do all day, but
I’m a pretty busy secretagent.Igotyankedoutofthemiddle of a mission to dothis,and I’vegot togetbackwithin twenty-four hours orrisk blowing my cover,putting a lot of my team indanger. So let’s make a fewthings clear. I’m not here tojudgeher.Ifherinnerbeautymakes her a supermodel,well, zip-a-dee-doo-dah. Butin my experience,cheerleaders tend to have a
lot of outer beauty. If shewantsthismissiontosucceed,she needs to be pretty, andI’m going to make her thatwayifIhavetoknockheroutand moisturize her stupid,unconsciousface.”
“What can we do tohelp?”Rubyasked.
“Have the paramedics onstandby,” the Hyena said asshe did a few stretches thenran in place to warm up.
When she felt ready, shereached into her pocket andpulled out a set of tweezers.“I’mgoingbackin.”
“Keep an eye on herteeth,” Flinch warned. “Shebites.”
“We’ve all learned thatthehardway,”Duncansaid.
The Hyena took a deepbreath and then opened thedoor.
“Iwill never forget you,”
Jackson said just as itslammedshut.
The Hyena stepped intocomplete darkness. Matildahad broken all the lightbulbsin the room. Smart move. Ifshe couldn’t be seen, shecouldn’t be tweezed. Plus, itgaveheracombatedgesinceher eyes had more time toadjust to the low light. Still,as a highly trained formerwould-beassassinandcurrent
spy, theHyenahad learnedafew things about findingpeople who preferred to stayhidden.
“Wheezer,wecando thistheeasywayorwecando itthehardway.Eitherway,I’mturningyouintoababe.”
“Bring it on, you beautypageant has-been,”Wheezer’s voice said fromtheshadows.
The Hyena bristled. Has-
been? She was Oklahoma’sTornado Alley TwisterPrincess two years in a row!She had been first runner-upin the Ms. TweenagerPageant! She had retired atthetopofhergame!
“There’s no need to getpersonal,” she said, but herwords were drowned out bythe sound of rocket engines.Suddenly,theroomlituplikea fireworks display.
Temporarily blinded, theHyena did not see Wheezerflyoverherhead,butshefeltthe kick in the ear.Instinctively, the HyenaleapedoutofWheezer’spath,slammingintoawall.Herearandhershoulderburned.
“Count your lucky stars,Secret Agent Barbie,”Matilda shouted as shecircled back for anotherattack. “I could have taken
your head off yourshoulders.”
As Matilda boasted, theHyena studied her forweaknesses. She could seetwo: anger influenced herdecisions, and she left herfeet exposed when she flew.The Hyena planned to usethem both against her.“You’reprettyconfidentforagirl who needs a steppingstooltogetontothetoilet.”
Wheezer snarled andmadeabeelineforher.
TheHyenahadtotimeherattackjustright.Ifshemissedby even the slightestmargin,there was a good chanceMatilda would give heranother black eye. So shelocked eyes with Wheezer,and just before impact, sheleaned backward like asapling in the wind andsnatched Wheezer by the
sneakers.“Gotcha!”theHyenacried
in triumph, holding on toWheezer’s foot as she sailedaround the room. “That’s alittle trick I learned ingymnastics—something Iused inmyhighly successfulcareer as a beauty pageantcontestant and now as ahighlysuccessfulspy.”
She hoped she soundedconfident, because she was
sure she was going to die.Matilda kicked and bouncedaround the room in an effortto lose her unwantedpassenger. The Hyena wasrolledandshaken,dippedanddragged.Somehowshefoundthe strength to climb upWheezer’sbodyoneinchatatime until she was sitting onherback.
“Set us down!” shedemanded.
“No!!!”“Stop being a baby!” the
Hyenasaid.“It’snotgoingtohurt…thatmuch.”
“I’m not being a baby! Idon’twanttobebeautiful.”
The Hyena knew it wastime todo somethingdrastic.She clamped one hand over
Wheezer’s eyes.Matilda lostcontrol and the two buzzedaround the room as blind asbats. With Matildavulnerable, the Hyenareached around with hertweezers, grasped a ratherthick follicle from betweenMatilda’s eyes, and yanked.Wheezer bellowed like abrandedbull,andthetwofelltothehardfloor.
TheHyenahadnotimeto
nurse her wounds. Shejumped on top of Wheezerand pinned Wheezer’s armsdown with her knees. Thenthepluckingreallybegan.
“Owww!” Matilda cried.“Thathurt!”
“Stopcomplaining.You’llgetusedtoit.”
“I don’twant to get usedto it. I likemy eyebrows thewaytheyare,”Wheezersaid.
“Eyebrowsisthepluralof
eyebrow, but you have onegiant one! You can’t be acheerleader if you look likeBert from Sesame Street.Now hold still,” the Hyenasaid.
Matilda frowned. “Iwanttolooklikethis!”
“Listen,whenthismissionis over, you can go back tobeinga hairy freak, but rightnow you have to save theworld. And to do that, you
have to be hot,” the Hyenasaid,yankingonanotherstrayhair.
“Owww!” Wheezerscreamed.
Twenty minutes laterMatilda’s one eyebrow wastwo.WhentheHyenahandedher amirror to show her theresults, Matilda was soexhausted from fighting thatshe barely registered thechange.“AmIdone?”
“Done?Kid,we’vebarelybegun!”
The next seven hourswerethemostgruelingoftheHyena’s life. She dug deepinto her encyclopedicknowledge of beauty secretsas well as her extensivebackground in restrainingpeople. After she strappedWheezer to a table, shewentto work conditioning,shampooing, and detangling.
She exfoliated with greenteas, algae, and sand. Shehosed the girl down withsunless tanners and wrappedher in eucalyptus leavesstuffed with mud andchocolate. She oversaw alaserteeth-whiteningprocess,thencoveredthegirl’sfaceinavocadoandcayennepepper.Wheezer’s toenails nearlyrequired a belt sander topolish and trim. She wasdunked repeatedly into a vat
of moisturizer to combat herscaly feet and arms. By thetime she was finished, theHyena was covered inscratches and bruises, aclump of her hair wasmissing,andoneofher frontteeth was loose. ButMatildaChoiwasbeautifulfromheadtotoe.
Thenextmorningateighto’clock the Hyena limpedinto Nathan Hale’s
gymnasium. She carried aboom box and was wearingblack dancing apparel.Matildawaswaiting, but shewas wearing a shirt thatlookedas if shehad stolen itfromtheworld’sfattestman.
“Whatareyouwearing?”“I’m comfortable.”
Matildascowled.“You look like you’re
trapped in a parachute. Youcan’t wear that to learn how
to cheer.Your armsand legsneedtobelooseandfree.”
“They’re free enough toknock you out,” Matildathreatened.
Thetwogirlsstaredatoneanother for a long moment,sizingupwhowouldwininafistfight. The Hyena had toadmit she wasn’t sure.“Fine!” she cried. “Wearwhat you want! We’ll startwith some basic stuff—
clapping.”“I don’t need a lesson on
howtoclap.”“Ohyeah?Let’ssee.”The Hyena watched
Matilda clap her hands likeshe had just seen a greatmovie.Itwaslazyanderratic.“Ta-da!Nextlesson.”
“That’s nice if you’recheeringonatractorpull,butthat’snotacheerleadingclap.Firstof all, youhave tohold
your hands at chin level.Your fingersneed tobe tightand your hands like blades.You don’t spread your armsfarther apart than yourshoulders.It’sveryspecific.”
Matilda tried itgrudgingly.Shehadthesamereaction to everything theHyena had her do. Wheezercould perform flawlesshandsprings and backflips,and jump and kick like the
best cheerleader ever. Butcheerleading requiresenthusiasm and a smile, andMatilda didn’t have either.She mumbled a few cheers.Her smile looked like agrimace. Her body languagescreameddisgustanddisdain.Afterhoursof fruitlesseffortthe Hyena threw up herhands. “This is pointless!”shedeclared.
“Exactly!”Matildasaid.
“Cheerleaders have a lotof pep and enthusiasm. Youactlikeyou’reatafuneral.”
Matilda snarled. “I’mdoingthebestIcan!”
“No, you’re not,” theHyena barked. “You have alousy attitude. Do you thinkthe National CheerleadingAssociation is looking for agirlwhowipeshernosewithher pom-poms? You maythinkyou’retoogoodforthis,
but therearea thousandgirlsout there who really want tobe cheerleaders and you’retaking their spot! You can’tevengivethemtherespectofdoingagoodjob.”
Matildastompedher foot.“It’s no secret around herethat I’m not a girlie-girl. Iwantabreak.”
“Abreak?Thetryoutsaretomorrow, Wheezer! I’mtryingtoteachyousomething
that takes months to learn,andyouonlyhave tonight tolearn it.We don’t have timefor a break or your badattitude.”
The Hyena wanted toclobberWheezer—really,justkickher in thebacksidewithher boot—but what would itsolve? Nothing! She waswasting her time. TheNERDS would have to findGerdie Baker some other
way. The Hyena stompedacross the gymnasium floorand out into the hall. Thereshe punched a locker andgrowled.
“You’re approaching herthe wrong way,” Duncansaid. He was standing in thedoorwayandhadclearlyseenthewholething.
“Oh yeah? How wouldyoudoit,sticky?”
“I’dstop trying together
toadapt toyourteachingandstart adapting to her way oflearning,” Duncan said.“She’s not like a lot of girls.She’s interested in thingsmostgirls turntheirnosesupat. Find a way to connect tothosethings.”
“So stop everything andget to know her? We don’thavetime.”
Duncan nodded. “OK,then here are Matilda’s five
favorite things in order:professional wrestling,Ultimate Fighting, punchingpeople in the face, punchingpeople in the belly, kickingpeople.”
“Cheerleading is not acombat sport!” the Hyenasaid.
“Isn’t it? There’s a lot ofkicking and punching theair,” Duncan said, then heturnedandwalkedbackdown
thehallway.The Hyena watched the
chubbyboywaddleawayandthought about what he hadsaid. Cheering and wrestlingwere so totally different.Shelooked up at the clock andsighed. They were runningout of time, and she had runout of ideas. She might aswellgiveitatry.
She pushed open thegymnasium doors and
stepped inside. Matilda waslying in the center of thebasketball court staring up attheceiling.“Backformore?”
TheHyenastoodoverthegirl. She stared down at herforalongtime,tryingtofindthe connection that Duncanspoke of—but cheerleadingwas all kicking and jumpingand acrobatics, andwrestlingwasall…
“Let’s try the clap one
moretime,”theHyenasaid.Matildagottoherfeetand
rolled her eyes. She put herhands inpositionbutwithoutanyexcitement.
“I want you to imaginethatthereisabadguy’sheadbetweenyourhands.”
“Huh?”“You’re going to box his
ears, whichwill mess up hisbalance and make him cry,”the Hyena explained. “You
don’t want him to get away,so you have to keep yourhandswithinyourshoulders.”
“That’s good advice,”Matilda said, her eyessuddenlysparkling.
“Plus, you keep yourhands straight and tight. Aquick and hard clap couldbursthiseardrums,whichisaplus.”
“Like this?” Matildaasked, suddenly producing a
perfectcheerleadingclap.The Hyena smiled.
“Exactly. It’s very dark andtroubling, but it’s perfect.Now let’s try some highkicks.”
Matildafrowned.“You know, like kicking
someoneintheface.”Matildasmiled.The two girls went to
work. The Hyena taught thetinyspyeverythingsheknew,
tailored to Matilda’s violenthobbies. When Matildaimagined she was crushingsomeone’s head using the TStunt or corkscrew backflip,shediditwithzeal.
They worked all through thenight,andwhenthesuncameup, the Hyena smiled.Matilda was a first-ratecheerleader, even with thebloodlustinhereyes.
TheHyenawalkedout of
the gymnasium and foundAgent Brand standing in thehallway.
“My work here is done,”shesaid.
“Cheerleading?”Mollysaidskeptically.
“Cheerleading?”Matilda’s brothers cried inunison.
“Cheerleading?”Bensaid.“You want to be acheerleader?”
Matildanodded.
Mickey laughed. “That’shilarious!”
The other boys laugheduproariously. Marky fell offthesofaandgroanedbetweengiggles.
“Shut up, monkeys,”Molly snapped, then turnedher attention back to Ms.Holiday.
“My daughter wants tostand in front of footballteamsandwavepom-poms?”
Molly asked. Her face waslikestone.
“Um, yes,” Ms. Holidaysaid. The librarian had cometo the Chois to convinceMatilda’sparentstoallowherto try out for the NCA. BenChoi seemed thrilled—andslightly bewildered by hisdaughter’s new look. Molly,however, was intense andsuspicious. She had totallystolen Ms. Holiday’s
confidence.Lisafeltas if thewoman could hear herthoughts. “Just to be clear,competitive cheerleadersdon’tcheerforathleticteams.It’s a sport unto itself,combining cheering withacrobaticsanddance.”
Ben spoke up, nodding.“Molly, cheering is verypopular. I took somephotographs of it for amagazine.Peopleloveit.”
“That makes no sense,”Marky said. “If there is noteam, who are they cheeringfor?”
“Marky, hush!” Mollyscolded, then turned back toMs.Holiday.“Thatmakesnosense.”
Ms. Holiday turned toWheezer,whosatonacouchnearby. She hoped the girlmight help win over hermother, but Wheezer just
shrugged.“If she makes the squad,
shewill go to a cheerleadingcamprighthere inArlington,wheresheandothergirlsherage will prepare for thenational competition held ontheMall inD.C. Shewill begone for a week, andcompletely supervised thewholetime.”
“Why does the schoolcare about cheering in the
summertime?”Mollysaid.Ms.Holiday blinked. She
wasn’t prepared for such aquestion, even though it wasperfectly reasonable. Ofcourse the school didn’t careabout cheerleading! Whatcould she say? Mrs. Choilookedasifshecouldsmellalie from a thousand milesaway.
“They think it will helpme come out of my shell,”
Matildasaid.“I’ve seen you come out
of your shell. Tell them youshould go back in,” Mosessaid. This made the otherboys fall all over themselvesonceagain.
Molly stood up. “All ofyou. Go bounce an egg!Out!”shebellowed.
The boys ran out of theroomliketheyweretryingtoescape from an erupting
volcano. When they weregone, Molly returned to herseat. Her eyes locked on toMs. Holiday’s once more.The librarian could feel thesuspicionradiatingoffher.
“It will also teach mesome leadership qualities,”Matildasaid.
“Leadership?”“Sure!”Ms.Holidaysaid.
“Itwillteachherhowtoworkinateam.”
Molly rolled her eyes.“Matilda does not need toknowhowtoworkinateam.She needs to know how tolead one. She comes from afamilyofverystrongwomen.Her brothers will need herguidance. You saw them!What can silly cheerleadinggivemydaughtertomakeherbrothersfearher?”
Ms. Holiday stood upfrom her chair and
straightened her skirt. Shecouldn’tletthiswomangetinthewayofthesecurityoftheworld.
“IwasacheerleaderwhenI was in college, Mrs. Choi.Infact,theonlyreasonIwenttocollegewasbecauseIwona cheerleading scholarship.When I got there, the othergirlspushedmearound.ButIworked hard, and before anyof them knew it I was the
captain of the squad, and Imade them work hard. Mostof thegirls learnedtorespectme and the ones who didn’tlearned to fear me. When itwas all said and done, mysquad won the nationalchampionship. You want toknow how manydisorganized, disrespectfulgirls I had to manage, Mrs.Choi?Twenty-four!IfyouletMatilda tryout for this team,I think the things she’ll learn
aboutleadershipwillbemorethan enough to handle sixrowdy brothers. Much morethanenough!”
“Ben?”Mollyasked.Mr.Choi smiled. “I’mall
for it. Anything that getsMatilda out of thoseragamuffin clothes andcombat boots she likes somuch. Look at her. What abeauty!Isayyes.”
Molly’s eyes narrowed
and a disapproving creaseappeared in between herbrows. She shook her head,then stood up and left theroom.
“I’msorry,Ms.Holiday,”Ben said as he got up fromhis chair. “Matilda’s motherand I rarely see eye to eyethese days, but I have torespect her choices even if Idon’tagree.”
Ms. Holiday watched as
Mr.Choi followedMollyoutof the room. “Alexander isgoing to roar. It drives himnuts that he needs a parent’spermission to send an agentouttosavetheworld.”
“MaybetheHyenacangoin my place,” Matilda said,tryingnottolooktoohappy.
Just then, Molly returnedwith something under herarm. “You cannot go, LittleM, unless someone from our
family goes along to lookafter you.” She offeredMatilda the little stone statuefrom her room. “Take oldgrandfather with you. Keephim in your pocket. He willprotect you whether you arecheerleading”—she turnedhereyestothelibrarian—“ordoingsomethingdangerous.”
Ms. Holiday swallowedhard.
Matilda and Agent Brandsat outside the YMCA inArlington,Virginia.A steadystreamofprettygirlssteppedthroughasetofdoubledoorsfor the tryouts for TeamStrikeforce, the elite JuniorEast Coast Divisioncheerleading squad that the
NERDS believed Gerdie hadjoined. A thousand girls likeMatilda had come from alloverthecountryforwhatwasrumored to be nine vacantspots. Unlike Matilda, theywere full of pep and smiles.Shewantedtopunchthemallin the face. She hated herskirtflappingonherlegs.Shehatedthehourithadtakentodo her hair andmakeup. Shehated thepains inhercheeksfrom smiling. If she was
going undercover, it shouldhavebeenasabullfighteroraluchador! It didn’t help thatthese girls went through thedoorstotheauditoriumhappyand high-spirited, only tocome out sobbing into theirhands. It made Matildanervous.Not about failingoreven looking foolish—shesortofexpectedthat.No,shewas worried about feedingoneofherfiststothejudges.Whatevertheyweresayingto
the hopefuls was brutal. Shehadn’t seen so muchblubberingsincethetimeshechallenged the men of theAlphaSigmaPhifraternitytoapunchfight.
Mr. Brand seemed evenmore nervous than Matilda.Most of the time the formerspywasunflappable.Matildahadheardheonce foughtoffa dozen assassins with onlyhis fists and a bottle of
champagne. But today hekept tapping the heel of hisrightshoeonthemarblefloorlike a jackhammer. Perhapshewasjustuncomfortableoutofhistuxedo.Today,tokeepalowprofile,hewasdressedin linen pants and a whiteshirt.
“Why isn’t the Hyenahere to give me pointers?”Matilda said, hoping todistract the spy from his
tapping. “You weren’t acheerleader,wereyou?”
Mr.Brandshookhishead.“The Hyena has otherresponsibilities.”
“Yeah? What are those,exactly?”
Brand stiffened. “Sorry,but you don’t have securityclearance for that kind ofinformation.”
Wheezer was stunned. “Ihave the highest security
clearance in the country. Ihave higher securityclearancethanthepresident!”
Brand’s face told her notto press the issue. TheHyena’smissionwasasecretforanotherday.
“Ms. Holiday cheered incollege. Why didn’t shecome?”
“Ms. Holiday wastransferred to the team justdays before the Mathlete’s
mom moved them to Ohio.They spent very little timetogether, but if Gerdie wereto recognize Lisa, our planwouldfail,”Brandsaid.
“Oh,she’sLisa,now?”Brand blushed. “Ms.
Holiday and I have become…friends.”
“Friends that kiss andhug?”
Matildacouldtellthemanwas uncomfortable. He kept
tugging at his collar as if itwerestranglinghim.
“Ms.Holidaysentalongalist of tips and a cookie,” hesaid, shoving them into herhands.
Matilda quickly put thecookie aside. Ms. Holidaywasawonderfullady,butherbaking bordered ondangerous.Thecookiewasashardasamanholecover.Sheopened the letter. “‘Dear
Matilda, Here is my bestadvice for your tryout. First,you have to be positive. Noone wants to see a grouchycheerleader.’”
“She told me to practicesmiling with you,” Brandsaid. “Flash me your bestsmile.”
Matildasmiled.AgentBrandcringed.“What?”“You’re supposed to look
happywhenyousmile.”“Well,givemesomething
tosmileabout.”“Thinkaboutponies.Girls
loveponies,right?”Matilda frowned. “I
don’t.”“Ribbons?”“Uh-uh.”“Dollbabies?”“I’malmosttwelve!”“Thenwhatdoyoulike?”
“Hmm … demolitions,explosions, bonfires,”Matildasaid.“Iliketowatchbarroombrawls.I lovesportsthat involve an ax and prettymuchanythingtodowithprowrestling!”
“I see,” Brand said.“Imagine you and one ofthese pro wrestlers went tothe park. What a beautifulday it is. The sun is shining.Thereisn’tacloudinthe—”
“And we found somebullies and gave them allhead butts! While they weredazed, I climbedup in a treeand leaped onto their headsfor a superatomic dog.Then,when they were down, wesmashed a steel chair acrosstheirbacks!”
“Why was there a steelchair in the park?” Brandasked. Then he sighed. “Itdoesn’t matter. What’s
important is that you aresmiling, but you might wanttowork on it. I suspect theydon’twantacheerleaderwholooks like she’s an escapedmentalpatient.”
Matilda glared and thenreturnedtoMs.Holiday’slist.“‘Second, make eye contactwiththejudges.Theywanttofeel like you are cheeringrighttothem.’”
“Eye contact, right,”
Brandsaid.“Rememberwhatwe taught you in your spytraining.Lookingsomeoneinthe eye can elicit a sense oftrustandwelcoming.”
“Really?’CauseI’vebeenusing it to intimidate people.Youshouldseehowitworkson dogs! They run off likethey’veseenthedevil.”
“Keepreading.”“‘The third thing is play
up your strengths,’” Matilda
read. “What are mystrengths?”
She could tell Brandwasn’t comfortable withgiving compliments. “Youareagiftedathlete.Useyouracrobatic skills. Also, try toturn some of that happyenergy you have when youknock out someone’s teethinto a positive expression ofhope and joy. If that doesn’thelp, I had the brains at the
Playground build yousomething.”
Hepulledabriefcasefrombeneath their seat. Insidewere four brand-new asthmainhalers and a leather beltwithtinyslotstoholdthem.
“Whatarethese?”Matildaasked, gazing at them withwonder.
“Specialtyinhalers.”Matilda strapped the belt
around her waist. “And a
utility belt! I’m like anasthmaticBatman!”
“These might come inhandy on this mission. Thebluesetactsasanunderwaterbreathing apparatus. There’senough concentrated air inthemtokeepyoualiveforsixhours.Youneverknowwhensomething like that mightcomeinhandy.Thegreensetiswhatwehopewillhelpyoutoday. One squeeze of the
plunger and it’ll lift you offtheground.”
“Um… I have a set thatdoesthatalready.”
“Notlikethese.Thesearestealth inhalers. Noexplosions.Norocketflames.They’re whisper-quiet. Youwillbeabletojump,backflip,and somersault higher thanany of the other girls.Gluestick says that a longpump could allow you to
reach the observationplatform of the Empire StateBuilding,notthatyou’llneedthattoday.”
“Very cool, but it doesfeel like we’re cheating,Mr.Brand,”Matildasaid.
“All is fair in love andnationalsecurity.Whatelseisintheletter?”
Matilda turned herattention back to Ms.Holiday’snotes.“Itsays,‘No
wooing’?”“Lisa—I mean, Ms.
Holiday—says it’s sort of anervous reaction some girlsdowhen they are out on thefloor.Theystart‘wooing.’”
“That’s silly. I canpromise you that I will not‘woo’!”
“See that you don’t. Shesaysit’sveryannoying.”
The door opened and apretty red-haired girl poked
herheadoutintothehall.Herface was one big smile andher eyes were bright withexcitement. She remindedMatildaofFlinchthetimeheate three Cookiepuss icecream cakes in one sitting.Theycouldn’tgethimofftheceiling for an hour. “MatildaChoi? Are you ready toBRINGIT?”
Matildanoddedandstoodup. She turned to Agent
Brand. “Well, I guess I havetogo‘bringit’now.”
“How about one moreattempt at a smile?” the spysaid.
Matilda forced one on toherface.“Howisthis?”
“Youlooklikeyou’vejustbeen stung by a wasp,” Mr.Brand said. “It looked betterwhen you were daydreamingabout braining someone.Thinksteelchairs!”
Matilda walked throughthe door into the darkly litgymnasium. In the center ofthe roomwasa spotlightandbeyond that a stage whereseven shadowy figures sat ata table. When she steppedinto the spotlight, she wasunabletoseeherjudgesatall.It was probably just as well.If she had to look at sevenmore grinning idiots, shemight never get through heraudition. The only drawback
was that she couldn’t startsearchingforGerdieBaker.Ifshe caught Mathlete rightaway, she could avoid thewholemissionentirely.Ithadonlybeen a couple days, butshe was growing weary ofexfoliatingherpores.
“Name!”agirlshouted.“MatildaChoi.”“Matilda is not a good
nameforacheerleader.We’llcallyouMaddie.”
The rest of the girlsmurmuredinagreement,thenturned their attention back toMatilda.
“OK, Maddie, cheer forus. And try not to waste ourtime,”avoicedemanded.
Matilda nodded and tookaquickshotofhermedicinalinhaler.
“Today!” another judgesnapped.
Ironically, it was her
judgeswhoprovidedMatildawith a smile, courtesy of adaydream in which shekicked them all in the face.“Ready? OK!” she shouted,and then she clapped herhands, imaginingslammingajudge’s head. “We’ve gotspirit.Yeswedo!We’vegotspirit.Howaboutyou?”
She did three backflipsandabackhandspringbeforerunning forward into a one-
handed cartwheel. She thenflipped end over end threetimesbeforelandingperfectlyon her feet. Each time shejumped she used her newinhalersforanextracoupleoffeet of lift. On her next run,two more super front-endhandsprings became acomplete one-hundred-and-eighty-degreeflip,ajumpshecouldneverhavedoneonherown.Sheendedherroutineinaperfectsplit.
Shesatwithherhandsonherhips,grinningasbestshecould and staring up at hersevenshadowedjudges.Weretheyimpressed?Theyjustsatthere without a word. Theycouldprobablytellshewasafake—the cheers, makeup,and clothes weren’t foolinganyone! She had failed themission.
Then her mouth openedand she did something she
thoughtshewouldneverdo.“Wooooooooooooooo!”“You’re in,Choi,”oneof
thejudgessaid.“WelcometoTeamStrikeforce.”
“What? Really?” Matildacouldn’t believe how happyshe felt. In fact, it made herangry that she could get somuch pleasure from beingacceptedbythesestrangers.Ifshehadn’tbeenonamission,she would have been more
than thrilled to tell themwhere they could shove theiracceptance. But she nodded,thanked the judges, and leftthe gymnasium withoutpunchingasingleperson.
Mr. Brand was waitingoutside the door where shehad left him. He lookedfidgety,crackinghisknucklesand tapping his foot. “Whathappened?Iheardwooing!”
OK,ATTHEADVICEOFLAW
ENFORCEMENT,IWILLBEINANOTHERROOMWHILEYOUTAKETHERESTOFTHISTEST.YOU’VEGOTANINKPENINYOURHAND,WHICHCOULDEASILYBEUSEDASAWEAPON,
SO…ONASCALEFROM1
TO10,RATEYOURFEELINGSABOUTTHEFOLLOWINGLISTOFCRIMES—1BEING“ACRIME
AGAINSTHUMANITY”AND10BEING“A
TINYCRIME.”WRITEDOWNYOUR
ANSWERSONAPIECEOFPAPER.
1.DRIVINGACARINTOANORPHANAGE___
2.TAKINGTHEWORLDHOSTAGE___
3.KIDNAPPINGSOMEONE’SPET___
4.TOPPLINGA
GOVERNMENT___
5.CREATINGHUMAN/ANIMALHYBRIDSBENTONWORLDDOMINATION___
6.BETRAYINGTHEHUMANRACETOALIENOVERLORDS
___
7.TRYINGTOOPENADIMENSIONALDOORTOADEMONDIMENSION___
8.BUILDINGAGIANTROBOTTOCRUSHTHECITY___
9.BLOWINGUPTHEMOON___
10.MAKINGYOURMOTHERCRY___
11.LAUGHINGWHILEYOURMOTHERCRIES___
OK,LET’STALLYTHOSENUMBERS.IT’STROUBLINGHOWHIGHTHIS
NUMBERIS.ALLOFTHESECRIMESAREREALLY,REALLY
BAD.YOUAREASICKLITTLEMONKEY.
Heathcliff—or rather,Choppers,Imean,Simon…no, Screwball, or whateverhis name was—hated theArlington Hospital for theCriminally Insane. He hatedthedoctorsandthenurses.Hehated the securityguards.Hehated the dull gray paint on
every wall and the blandmeals served with plasticutensils. He hated the dingyfluorescent lights and thepatch of dying grass theycalled the yard. He swore tohimself that when he ruledthe world the first thing hewould do was destroy thehospital—with a bigwrecking ball, or maybeexplosives—no, a rocket! Infact, imagining the buildinginflameshelpedhimpassthe
endlesshourswithasmileonhisface.
Buttherewasonethinghethoroughly enjoyed aboutbeing locked up in the loonybin: arts and crafts class.Twice a week the patientswereherdedintotheartroomand encouraged to exploretheir feelings using clay,paint, papier-mâché, andribbons. On this day,Screwball was working with
glue, dried corn, peas, andother vegetables. It was thenthat he discovered a newpassion. If thewhole “takingover the world” thing didn’tpan out, he might have alucrative career as a streetartist.
“OK, everyone,” Dr.Sontag said. “I’m happy tosee somany of youworkingon your projects with somuchfocus.It’stimetoshare
what you have created.Whydon’twestartwithBob?”
Heathcliff sneered. Bobwas a serial kidnapper. Healso had no eye for color orline.Whenthestumblingfoolraised his canvas, it took allof Screwball’s self-controlnot to rip it into shreds andlaugh in the stupid man’sface. A rowboat on a littleriver?That’swhatBobcalledart?
“A lovely day on thewater,” Dr. Sontag said.“Why don’t you tell us howthismakesyoufeel?”
“Mydad used to takemeto this riverwhenIwas little—before I started tohear thevoices,”Bobblubbered.
Screwballrolledhiseyes.“It looks like it meant a
lot to you, Bob. Let’s moveon to Chucky,” the doctorsaid. “Let’s see your
masterpiece.”Chucky Swiller was a
slack-jawed idiotwith a facelike an orangutan. He alsohad the artistic talent of one.Paint was everywhere—andmostlyonhisdopey freckledface.
“Imadeahouse,”Chuckysaid.
“And it’s on fire,” Dr.Sontag said with a littleworried frown on her face.
Chucky was in the hospitalbecausehelikedtoplaywithmatchesandgasoline.
“Oh, is that what youmade?” Screwball said.“’Causewhat it looks like isyou drank your paints thenbarfed them all over thecanvas!”
Dr. Sontag frowned.“Heathcliff! This is not aplace of judgment. HoweverChuckychooses tocreatehis
art is valid. Apologize tohim!”
Screwball sighed.“Chucky, I’m sorry. Sorrythatyouareclearlycolorblindanddon’tknowthefirstthingabout perspective or three-dimensional drafting. I’msorry your work is bad, butmostlyIfeelsorryforme,asI’m the only one who caresenoughaboutyou to tell youthat you are terrible and
should stop painting. Youshould go back to being apyromaniac and stopvictimizing the world withyourart.”
Dr. Sontag’s facepuckered with impatience.She took a deep breath andappeared to be mouthingnumbers to calm herself.Whenshefinished,sheturnedtoScrewball.
“OK,Heathcliff.Showus
whatyouhavemade.”“Dr.Sontag, Ihaveasked
youtocallmeScrewball.”Sontag sighed with
exhaustion.“Screwball, showuswhatyoucreated.”
Screwball held his workoutproudly.Itwasa triptych—a three-paneled painting—featuring images of greatdestruction made from driedvegetables. The panel on theleft showed little snow-pea
peoplerunningandscreamingas a giant turnip robotstompeddownthestreetafterthem. The panel on the rightfeatured a sea of green-beanprisoners marching across afield of flames with armedguards eyeing their everystep.Inthecenterpaneltherewas a baby carrot and pearlonion depiction ofHeathcliffhimself, sitting upon agigantic throne that wascrushingplanetEarth.
Dr. Sontag sighed again.“Everyone, how does thismakeyoufeel?”
Dr.Trouble slowly raisedhis hand and Dr. Sontagcalled on him. “Yes, Dr.Trouble?DoesHeathcliff…Imean, Screwball’s workmakeyoufeelanything?”
“Sad…scared.”“It made me wet my
pants,”Chuckysaid.Screwballsmiledproudly.
“See, Chucky, good artcreates emotional responsesintheaudience.Iwantedyoutowet yourself and you did!And now I’d like to tell youhow it makes me feel. Thiswork is important because itis more than a piece madefrom dried produce; it’s aglimpse of your unavoidablefuture. You’ll notice I usedlentils to indicate despair onthe facesofmyvictims.Andmy self-portrait looks good
enough to eat. Bow beforemyartisticgenius!”
“Everyone,Ithinkwecancallitaday,”Dr.Sontagsaid.“I need to talk to my bossabout being reassigned,anyway.”
The doors to the roomopened and several hugeguards entered. Screwballignored them and carefullyset aside his masterpiece.Peas and carrots were very
delicate and he wanted topreserve the triptych.Someday, when he wasrunning things, the masseswould want to see his earlyworkasanartist.
“Pssss,” he heard.Screwballturnedtooneoftheguards and snarled. Then herealized the man was notanother one of the muscle-bound fools that tormentedhim daily but, instead, his
veryowngoon!“Oldfriend!Howdidyou
get in here?” he whisperedback.
“I knocked out the guardand took his uniform. He’ssleeping in the Dumpster,safe and sound. I wanted togiveyouanupdate.Mathletehas built her machine. She’sopening rifts everywhere shegoes.”
“Are there side effects?”
Heathcliffsaid.The goon nodded. “The
government is trying to keepitquiet,butanalligatorasbigasadumptruckwascapturedin Topeka, Kansas. Plusthey’remissingafewcementmixersinMinneapolisandanentire library disappeared inSt.Louis.”
“That’s excellent news,”Screwballsaid.
“Even better news,” the
goonsaid.“Icangetyououtofhere.”
“No need, my friend,”Screwballsaid.
The goon was visiblysurprised. “Have they finallymade you lose your mind?Whydoyouwanttostay?”
“Because it will be somuch more satisfying whenmy bitterest enemies comeand release me! They willhavenochoicebut tounlock
thedoorsandletmeout.”“Yourenemies?”Screwball nodded, then
practicedhisevillaugh.“Yes,NERDSwill bepoundingonthe door of this hospital tofreemebeforeyouknowit.”
Matilda hefted her duffelbag and climbed aboard thebus to cheerleading camp.Inside, she faced a gang ofdazzlingly pretty girls withthe most sour, pouty looksshehadeverseen.Theyeyedher up and down the waysomeone might look at a
publictoilet.“Hold it right there,” one
girlsaid.Shewasblondeandblue-eyed and would havebeen pretty if not for herexpressionofdisgust. “Don’tthink that just ’cause you’reonTeamStrikeforcethatyouare on Team Strikeforce.You’renotactuallyoneofusuntil I say you are, and rightnowI’msayingyou’renot.”
“Yeah,” the others
chimed.Matilda laughed. She
knew these girls, or at leasttheir type.Theywerebullies.NathanHaleElementarywasfull of them. Luckily, afterputting upwith their tormentfor years, she knew exactlyhowtohandlebullies.
“What’syourname?”“Tiffany,” the blonde girl
said,scowling.“So, you’re in charge,
huh? I can tell by the waythese brainless moronsworshipyou.”
Theothergirlsbristled.“That’s not true at all!” a
prettyredheadsnappedasshetextedfuriouslyonherphone.
“I’msopostinghowrudeyouare!”
Tiffany flashed theredhead an ugly look.“Actually, that’s exactlyhowit is! Shut up, McKenna!”She turned back to Matilda,but before she could sayanything a horrible sneezeflewoutofMatilda’snose.
“Wheezer, can you hearme?” Brand blared throughMatilda’s comlink.His voice
was so loud it rattled herbrain. She wished she couldshut it off, but no amount ofsqueezinghernosecouldstophershakingeardrums.
“Turn it down a notch!”shecried.
After a second sherealized everyone on the buswas looking at her as if shehad lost her mind. Tiffanylaughed, and the othersechoedher.
“She’s already snappingunder the pressure, girls!”Tiffany crowed. “I suggestyou get off the bus and gohome,’causeitisn’tgoingtogetanyeasier.”
“I’m staying,” Matildasaid.
“I amnot sittingwith thecrazy girl,” McKennadeclared as the girls settledintothefarthestreachesofthebus, leavingMatilda alone at
thefront.“Whatdoyouwant?”she
mumbled.Brand’s voice crackled to
life. “Wheezer, I’ve beenwaitingforareport.Ithoughtyoumightbeintrouble.”
“A little busy beingbullied by the other girls onthe bus, boss,” Matilda said.“None of them look likeGerdie Baker. If she’s here,she’s had a lot of plastic
surgery. Listen, I’ll check inwhen I get a moment tomyself. There’s not a lot ofroomonthisbus.”
“Understood,”Brandsaid.The bus pulled into a
sprawling campgroundsurroundedbyacresandacresofdensewoods.Therewasapond with a dock, a half-dozenwoodencabins,asmalladministrativebuilding,andahandful of picnic tables
around a big green practiceyard. When they got off thebus,Matildaandthegirlsmetrepresentatives of the NCA,mucholderbut justaspeppyastherestofthecheerleaders.They assigned everyone acabinand told thegirlswhento expect breakfast, lunch,anddinner.Theyalsotoldthegirls there were only tworules at the camp: one, don’twander around in thewoods,and two, have a “cheer-tastic
time.”Matilda circled until she
foundhercabin,butsinceshewas the last one through thedoor, she was left with theworst bunk—a moth-eatenmattress with a paper-thinpillow.
Tiffany and McKennasneeredatherasshedumpedherduffelbagonthebed.
“Ican’tbelievetheystuckher in here with us!”
McKenna grumbled toTiffany. Then they ran off,leavingMatildaalone.
Matilda shrugged it offand crammed her bag underher cot.Then she reachedupto unfasten the lock on thewindownearherbed.
“Do yourself a favor anddon’t open thatwindow.Theportable toilets are rightoutside.”
Matilda turned and found
agirlstandinginthedoorwayof the cabin. She was aspretty as the others, butsomething in her face gaveherakindexpression.
“Ugh,” Matilda said assherefastenedthelock.
“I heard you got stuck inTiffany’s cabin. I thought itwouldbenicetocomebyandmake sure you were stillalive,”thegirlsaid,laughing.
“Next time you might
want to check on her, notme,”Matildasaid.
“Don’t let Tiffany botheryou,” the girl said. “She’sbeen cheering since she wasin diapers, or so she says.Noneofus reallyknoweachother thatwell,but somehowon the first day she becamethe boss. I’ve seen her typebefore. I think she likes itwhenyoufightback.”
Matilda nodded. “Then
she’s going to love my righthook.”
“I’mKylie,”thegirlsaid.“I’m Matilda,” she
replied, remembering topracticehersmile.Kyliegaveoneback,thenofferedtohelpher unpack. While theyworked, she filledMatilda inontheothergirlsontheteam:McKenna spent most of herday texting and updating hermanyonlineprofiles;Pammy
and Lilly were called “themakeup twins” and hoggedevery available mirror; thestriking Asian girl withpurple eye shadow wasnamed Jeannie; the twoAfrican-American girls wereToni and Shauna. IncludingMatilda,therewereninemorenew girls, but Kylie hadn’thad a chance to meet themyet.Matildadidthemath.Allin all, she had sixteensuspects,butshewasrelieved
to be able to cut three fromher list. Eliminating Jeannie,Toni, and Shauna wouldmakethingseasier.Nomatterhow much plastic surgeryGerdiemighthavegotten,shecouldn’t change her race.Still,thatleftthirteengirls.
Suddenly, McKennareturned to the cabin. “Hey,what are you two talkingabout?”
“You,”Kyliesaid.
Matilda could almostsmell McKenna’s insecurity.It quickly turned to anger.“Newroommatesarelosers!”she said as her fingers typedfuriously on her phone.“Watchyour stepor I’ll postsomething a lot worse nexttime.”
The girls watchedMcKenna storm out of thecabin.
“Well, I guess we’re not
goingtobefriendswithher,”Kylie said with a laugh.“Anyway, it’s dinnertime.They’re serving meatloafsurprise. The surprise is thattenpercentofthepeoplewhoeatitactuallysurvive.”
“I’ll catch up with you,”Matildasaid.
When Kylie was gone,Matilda fell onto her bunkandjotteddownwhatshehadlearned about the rest of the
squad into a notebook. Sincethe girls looked and dressedsomuchalike,shewasgoingtohavetoworkextra-hardtokeeptrackofthem.
She joined the other girlsat dinner, studying each oftheir faces. She’d seenhundredsofphotosoftheoldGerdie, but none of thesegirls resembled her in theleast. It was frustrating, butnot nearly as much as their
endless excited chatter abouthow they were going to“bring it” and “show thosewannabes why TeamStrikeforce is the best.”Matilda feared she wouldleap onto the table andstrangle one of them if theydidn’tshutup,sosheexcusedherselftogobacktoherbunkand get some rest. Tiffanygaveheranastysmileasshestoodup.
“Get your beauty sleep,loser,” she said. “You needallyoucanget.”
Exhausted, Matilda madeaquickreporttoAgentBrandandfellsoundasleep.
At five in the morningMatilda discovered exactlywhatTiffanyhadmeantaboutneeding her sleep. She wasshaken roughly and told toget intoherpracticeuniform.Shegotdressedasquicklyas
possible and rushed out forwhatwouldbea twelve-hourordeal.
Matilda did her best tokeepup,but thepracticewasmore grueling than her spytraining,whichoftenincludedbarbed wire, an obstaclecourse, and robots shootinglasers at her. Learning theroutines was simple enough,but Tiffany insisted onperfection. She wanted the
squadtoactlikeitwasofonemind, with each clap, kick,and cheer performed at theexactsamemoment.Overthecourseofthedayshecuttwoof the nine new cheerleadersthey had chosen fromMatilda’s tryouts. The nextday three more were gone.Shauna told Kylie andMatilda that Tiffany hadaccepted more girls than theteam needed for the solepurposeofweedingthemout.
“YoumeanI’mstilltryingout?”Matildaasked.
Kylie nodded. “Tiffanyhas already let McKenna,Pammy, Shauna, Toni, Lilly,Jeannie,andmeknowthatwemadethefinalsquad.”
“How many spots areleft?”Matildaasked.
“One.”Matilda looked to the
other three girls. It wasimportant that she got that
lastspot.When the second day of
practice was over, shestaggered intohercabinwithcomplaining muscles and ahead clogged with dancemoves. She didn’t evenbother to eat, just climbedinto her bunk and fell fastasleep. She planned to wakein the night and search theother girls’ belongings foranycluesthatmightpointher
to Gerdie, but exhaustionoverwhelmed her. She sleptuntil five a.m., only to beawokentorepeatthepreviousday.
Kylie smiled at her whentheymetonthepracticefield.
“Tiffany is the devil,”Matildagroaned.
“Yes. Yes, she is,” Kyliesaid.
“Quiet! Today we’regoing to learn amove called
‘Shoot the Rocket,’” Tiffanysaid.
Thegirlsgasped.Eventhegirlswho’dalreadymade thesquadseemedshocked.
“What’s the Rocket?”MatildawhisperedtoKylie.
“It’sanaerialstunt—verydangerous,” she said. “Mosthigh schools have banned it.Even pro cheerleaders gethurt doing it. It’ssuperadvanced.”
“Pyramid!” Tiffanybarked, and Kylie and theothergirlsquicklyassembledinto a human pyramid, sixbodies stacked on top of oneanother. Tiffany climbed tothe top. She stood onMcKenna and Pammy’sbacks and looked down atMatilda and the other threegirls.
“Now listen up, ’causeI’m only saying this once.
The Rocket is usually donewiththehelpofaspotterwhohoists thegirl ontohishandsatchest-level.Thenyoujumpupward,doacorkscrewtwirl,and land on your feet at thetop of a pyramid. I say‘usually’ because we do itdifferently.” She grinned.“We cut out the spotter.Watchcarefully.”
Tiffany bent her kneesand then leaped backward
into the air. She did acorkscrew turn and thenlanded squarely onMcKenna’s and Pammy’sbacks. The girls let out apainful groan. Matilda couldhardly believe what she hadseen. It was an incrediblemove—likesomethingonlyahighly trained secret agentmight be able to do. CouldTiffanybetheMathlete?
“I think I’m going to be
sick,” one of the other newgirlssaid.Sheandanotherofthenewgirlsranoffthefieldand were never seen again.Matilda and one other girlwereleftforthelastspot.
“Maddie, let’s see whatyou can do,” Tiffany said,climbing down off thepyramid to watch from theside.
“Just let me check myinhalers—I get a little
asthmaticand—”“Noonecaresaboutyour
stupid disease,” McKennasaid. “Are you going to dothis stunt or not? I have textmessagestorespondto!”
Matilda climbed thepyramid slowly. When shegot to the top, she couldhardly stand up straight. Itwas clear McKenna andPammywere trying toknockher off. She dug her shoes
into their backs and theyyelped in pain. Matildasmiledsheepishlyatthemandbent her knees. Leapingbackward as hard as shecould, she tapped her stealthinhalers and blasted into theair with a whisper-quietthrust.Shedid thecorkscrewspin during the flip andlanded cleanly, making extrasure to plant her feet onMcKenna’s and Pammy’sheads.
Therewassilence.Tiffanylooked stunned, andMatilda’s sole remainingcompetitiondroppedherheadandwalkedout.
McKenna turned to lookup at Matilda angrily. “Thisisn’t over,” she said, thenrocked hard. The humanpyramid began to sway andbuckle. Then it collapsed. IfMatilda fell from thatheight,she’d hurt herself badly, so
she fired the inhaler oncemore and up she went,spiraling and forward-flipping gracefully until shelanded right in front ofTiffany.Theteamleadereyedherclosely.
“Welcome to TeamStrikeforce,” Tiffany said,red-facedandangry.
Once the pile ofcheerleaders untangledthemselves, Kylie found
Matilda. “That wasawesome,” Kylie whisperedtoMatilda.
“Thanks,” Matildawhispered back as shewatchedTiffanystormoffthefield.“ButI’mworrieditwasalittletooawesome.”
When the girls finishedpracticing “Shoot theRocket,” they headed to thekitchen for some dinner.Matilda snatched a banana
andapeanutbuttersandwichthenracedbacktothesilenceof the cabin. She had only afewopportunities tobealoneandcheckinwiththeNERDSteam. Once she closed thedoor, she squeezed her nosetoactivatehercomlink.
“Congratulations are inorder, Wheezer,” Mr. Brandsaid. “I hear you are anofficial member of thesquad.”
“Don’t tease me. This issosilly.”
“Well, the worldappreciatesyoursacrifice.Doyouhaveanysuspects?”
“Maybe Tiffany. She’sgot moves a normal kiddoesn’t usually have,”Matilda said. “Everyoneseems to think she’s beencheering since she was indiapers,butyouknowaswellas Idohowabackstorycan
be invented. I’m keeping aneyeonher.Ifyoucouldhavesomeoneactivatethecomlinkaround three in the morningtowakemeup,I’llsearchherstuff.ButIdon’tknowwhereshewouldhide thatmachine.If it’s as big as Gluestickthinks it is, there’s no placeforitinthiscabin.I’llhavetosearchtheotherbuildings.”
“Happy hunting,” Brandsaid.
“Wheezer,out.”Before she knew it, she
was fast asleep and havingterrible dreams aboutmonstrouspom-pomschasingher through the woods. Shewas pulled out of thenightmarebya rougher-than-usualshaking.Sheleapedoutofbedandswungwildly,hersecret-agent training takingover.Her fist connectedwithsomeone’smouth.
“What do you thinkyou’re doing?” Jeannieshoutedwhenthelightscameon.
It was then that Matildanoticed that Jeannie was onthefloor,clutchinghercheek.She frowned and helped thegirl to her feet. “I’m sorry. Ican get a little jumpy. AreyouOK?”
“Nothing a surgeon can’tfix,” the girl said angrily.
“It’stimetosuitup.”Matilda glanced out the
window. It was still pitch-black out—too early forpractice. “Now? It’s themiddleofthenight.”
“Less talk, more action,”Lillysnapped.
Matilda slipped into herclothesandsteppedoutofthecabinandintothenight.
Themoonwashighinthesky over the practice field.
The squad headed straightacross it to the woods, andMatildafollowed.
“Listen up, Maddie,”Tiffanysaid.
“It’sMatilda.”“It’swhatIsayitis!”she
roared.Whenshecalmed,shecontinued. “The squadwantstoinviteyoutotakepartinalittlejob.”
“Whatkindofjob?”“Not so much a job—
more like a shopping trip,”McKennasaid.
“Shop Op!” Shauna andToni said together, thengaveeachotherahighfive.
“Sounds … fun. You dorealize it’s the middle of thenight? What store is evenopen?”Matildaasked.
“It’s not a store and it’snot really shopping,”McKennasaid.
“But there is going to be
some shoplifting,” Jeannieadded.
“Shoplifting?” Matildasaid. Kylie stood nearby.Fromherexpression,shewasasunhappyabout theplanasMatilda.
Tiffany bristled.“Cheerleading is anexpensive sport. Theuniforms, meals—hey, doyou think this camp is free?Team Strikeforce doesn’t
have sponsors and the prizemoney is peanuts. Thecompetition fee for the finalsalone is more than myallowance until the end oftime.”
“Sowe’vefoundawaytopayforit,”Lillysaid.
“By stealing?” Matildaasked.
Everyonenodded.Matilda had never stolen
anything in her life, but she
knew she had to play along.“No arguments here. I’velifted a few tubes of lipstickand a purse. Shouldn’t be aproblem.”
“Well, listen to publicenemynumber one,” Pammysaid,laughing.
McKennaliftedherarmtoreveal an odd-looking glovethat wrapped around herhand, forearm, and elbow. Ithad buttons and little glass
screens mounted near thewrist that flashed numbersand images. Matilda knewimmediately what it was.Gerdiehadgivenhergiganticmachineitsownmakeover.
“Arewefarenoughawayfrom the camp?” Pammyasked. “That machine sucksall the energy out ofeverything. If we go back tocamp andmy curling iron isdead,headswillroll!”
“We’refarenough,”Lillysaid.“There’sastripmallnotfar from here that will feedthemachine.”
McKenna nodded, andpressed a button. A brightelectrical display lit herfingertips,andasmallmilky-white marble, crackling withelectricity, appeared in herpalm. It grew until it was asbigasthewholesquad.
“Jackpot, ladies,”
McKenna said. “Thisdoohickey says there’ssomething gold and valuableontheotherside.”
“Let’s go, girls! We’veonly got ten minutes,”Jeannie said, and she raceddirectly into the ball anddisappeared.
Duncan had explainedGerdie’smachineandwhatitdid,buttoactuallyseeitwasalmost more than Matilda’s
braincouldhandle.EvenwithallthetechinthePlaygroundandthemillionsoftinyrobotscoursing through her ownbody,thisdevicestillfeltlikesomething yanked out of thepagesofacomicbook.
“Today!”Tiffanybarked.Kylie reached for
Matilda’s hand. “C’mon,we’llgotogether.”
MatildaandKyliesteppedforward,andthentherewasa
light so bright that Matildacouldsee it through thehandsheraisedtoprotecthereyes.Electricity danced across herskin and an incredible roarflooded her ears. She hadonce visited Niagara Fallsduring a mission, and themillions of gallons of waterthat tumbled over its edgewasonlyhalfasloud.
Andthen…itwasover.Sheloweredherhandand
glanced around. She and theother cheerleaders werestanding inside a dark roomwithwoodenwallsandfloor.She couldn’t see much, butthe floor was rocking backandforth.
“We’re on a ship,”Pammysaid.
“Duh,”Tonisaid.“Can we please not
argue?”Shaunasaid.“We’vegot nine minutes and
counting to grab and go.Unless of course you aren’tinterestedinthisroomfulloftreasurechests.”
Tonisnarledbutturnedtooneofthebigwoodenchests.Sheopenedtheheavylidandletoutahappyshriek.
Matilda stepped forward.Insidethechest,packedtothetop,was a collection of goldcoins, rubies, sapphires—evena crown.Shehadnever
seen anything dazzle sobrightly.
“I’mtotallyposting this!”McKennasaidasshereachedfor her phone. “Hey, there’snoservicehere!”
“So how didwe get on apirateship?”Matildaasked.
“This is an alternateEarth,” McKenna said andgestured to thedeviceonherarm. “This thing built abridgeforustogethere.”
Tiffany pushed McKennaaside. “Hello! Eight minutesandcounting!”
Matilda watched thesquad leap into action likelittle ferrets stealing seeds.Lilly found a pile of emptycanvas sacks and startedshoving as much preciousmaterial into them as shecould.Whenonewasfull,shestuffed empty sacks intoMatilda’s and Kylie’s hands
and dragged them over toanotherchest.
“Hey,thefirsttimeIdiditIwascompletelyfreakedout,too. But we don’t have a lotof time,” Lilly said. “If youdon’thelp,Tiffanymightjustleaveyouhere.”
“Thebatteryischargingatfiftypercent,girls,”McKennashouted. “Less talking.Moretaking!”
Matilda reached into a
chestofdiamonds,grabbedahandful,andstuffedthemintohersack.Shefeltterrible.Shepridedherselfonherintegrity—a trait her parents hadinstilled in her. How couldsheeverlookthemintheeyeagain? Still, she had toremindherselfthatthiswasamission.Shehadtodothistosavetheworld—herworld.
“Four minutes, people,”McKennasaid.
“We have to come backhere,” Shauna said. “There’senough to fund our entirelives. We’d never have toworkagain.”
“We’re not here for ourretirement. This is forcheerleading only!” Tiffanysaid. “Besides, the machinedoesn’t take you back to aworld once you’ve visited it,so you better take what youcan.”
Justthentherewasaloudbang. A door slammedopened behind Matilda andshe heard a heavy footstepfollowedbyametallicclink.
Boot-clink. Boot-clink.Boot-clink.
WhenMatilda turned,shesaw a rough-looking manholding the biggest, sharpestswordshehadeverseen.HismustachewaslongandbushyandhungdowntohisAdam’s
apple. He was dressed in ablack coat embroidered withsilver flowers and had a redsilken scarf tied around hisneck. One of his legs was astumpwithnothingmorethanacrudemetalspikeforhimtobalanceon.Butnothingabouthis appearance was asshocking as his face. Hecould have been AgentBrand’stwinbrother.
“Well, well, what do we
havehere?”hesaid.Matilda shuddered. His
voice was identical to herboss’s,too.
Another set of feetstomped into the room, thisone belonging to a blondewoman.Shewastallandleanwith braided hair. She had ablack patch over her left eyeandwhatlookedlikethescarofahangman’snoosearoundher slender neck. Only those
two characteristics kept herfrom being an exact copy ofMs.Holiday.Infact,standingside by side, the pirateslookedas if theywereBrandandHolidayontheirwaytoacostumeparty.
“What do we have here,Alex, my lad?” she said,removing a dagger fromwithinhervest.
“Looters, my love,” hesaid. “No-good thieving
scoundrels.”“Isn’t that what we are,
dearest?”Thepirateslaughed.“Indeed. But there has to
be some respect for finder’skeepers, my darling. Thistreasurewasstolenbyusandthereforerightfullybelongstous. It’s unbecoming of ascoundrel to steal from otherscoundrels.”
“Isupposeweshouldalert
thecaptain,”thefemalepiratesaid.
“Captain?”Matildaasked.“Someone called?” a
voice rang out, and anotherperson entered the room.Matilda’s heart almoststopped. The captain was norogue of the seven seas buteleven-year-old Ruby Peet,dressed in a huge black hatand leather boots, completewithaparrot standingonher
shoulder.“Brand andHoliday! Tell
me my eyes don’t deceiveme! Is it true we have somerats below decks? Filthy,thieving vermin. I’m allergictothehairylittlebuggers.”
“It’s true, Captain Peet,”Brand said. “Permission tohoist them up by their tailsandtossthemoverboard?”
“No, Brand, this is apleasureIseizeformyown,”
the pirate Ruby said as sheunsheathed a broadswordfrom her hip. She flashed arotten smile nearly as deadlyas her blade, then charged atShauna, swingingmurderously. The prettycheerleader screamed andcoweredinthecorner.
Before Pirate Ruby couldslash her throat, Matildaleaped across the tiny roomand kicked the sword out of
Captain Peet’s hand. Itclanked to the floor. WhileRuby bent to retrieve herweapon, Matilda sucker-punched Brand in the belly.The pirate tumbled over justintimetocatchakneetohisfrontteeth.
“Stay back!” Matildashouted to the othercheerleaders, though by thelooks on their faces theyweren’t about to attack—or
evendefendthemselves.“Ye look familiar to me,
little one,” Pirate Holidaysaid. “Don’t you think so,Captain?”
Peet eyeballed Matilda,rubbing her sword on hershirt. Something flashed inherexpression.
“I do,” said the captain.“Rememberthatfirstmatewehad out of Boston? The onewiththebreathingmalady?”
Brandfinallyregainedhisbreath. “Why, you’re right,Captain. She’s the spittingimage. If I hadn’t seen youfeed her to the sharks, I’dthinkitwasthesamegirl.”
“Perhaps she’s a ghost,”the captain said as the twowomencircledMatilda.
“Take a step closer andI’llshowyouwho’saghost.”
Peet laughed. “Just aschatty as the other one, too.
Runherthrough,Holiday.”Holidaytossedherdagger
from hand to hand thenchargedatMatilda.Insuchasmallspace,Matildacouldn’tuse her inhalers to fly. Soinstead she turnedher stealthinhalersonthewoman’sface.Onesqueeze sent thewomanflyingagainsttheship’swall,where she crumpled to thefloor.Matildahopeditlookedtotheothergirlsasifshejust
hadagreatrighthook.Captain Peet seemed
momentarily stunned, butMatilda knew if she wasanything like her ownPufferfish, she wouldn’t staythat way.Matilda was goingto have to fight, and sheneededmoreroom.
“Everyone on deck!”Matilda commanded, and thecheerleaders didn’t hesitate.They all flew through the
door. Kylie and Matildabroughtuptherear, tumblingoutintothesunshinewiththesalty air tearing at their eyesandnoses.
There they foundadozenmore pirates, each filthierthan the last. Lilly threw apunch at one Matildarecognized as a member ofNERDS’ scientific team.Other pirates were alternateversionsof teachers from the
school, albeit very toughversions. They surroundedthegroupofgirls.
“Whose idea was it tocome outside?” McKennacomplained.
“Stop complaining andkeep an eye on that battery.When it’s charged, activatethe machine, no matter whatishappening!”Matildasaid.
“We’re at seventy-sevenpercent right now. I’d say
three more minutes. Maybetwo.”
“Lookslikewe’veflushedus out some worms,” a newvoice said. Matilda turnedand spotted this world’sDuncan. He was dressed instripedpantsandahugebelt,and he had a red bandannaaroundhishead.
“Awfully pretty worms,”Jackson said as he and apirate version of Flinch
joined Duncan. Each of thealternate NERDS woreswords nearly as big asthemselves.
“Pretty as gumdrops,”Flinchsaid.
“Keep your eyes in yourhead,”PiratePeetsaidasshestomped up on deck. Sheaimed her sword at the girls.“These ones are fish food. Iaim to push them alloverboard.”
Pammy began towhimper.
Captain Peet cackled.“Anyvolunteers?”
Thepirateslaughed.“What about you?” Peet
said, placing her hand onMatilda’s shoulder. “Don’tworry, girl, the sharks won’tcome for you right away.They can’t smell you unlessyou’rebleeding.”
Then with the most
murderous face Matilda hadever seen, the pirate ran hersword across Matilda’sshoulder. Itwas just aknick,but it stung enough to makeher cry out. A red stainappearedonhershoulder.
“Oops,”CaptainPeetsaid,and then she shovedMatildaovertheside.
Matilda fell awkwardlyandhitthewaterhard.Itwascold and the shockmade her
gasp. Though it was hard tothink, somewhere in hermurkymind she rememberedthat all she had was threeminutes until the gate homeopened. If she was goingbacktoherworld,sheneededtotimethisexactly.
But she’d never see threeminutesifshedidn’tgetsomeair. She fumbled with herutility belt, searching for theright inhalers. She knew theoxygen inhalerswerepaintedblue, but the gray waterleeched all color from theplastic.Shewasstrugglingtofind the right one whensomething banged into her—something big. She lost her
grip on one of the inhalersand watched it tumble intotheblackness.
That’s when she saw thefins gliding against thebottomofherfeet.Itwasbigand gray and fast, and whenshe saw the flecks of bloodfloatingoffherarmsheknewexactly what it was: a greatwhiteshark.
At themoment, the sharkwas the least of Matilda’s
worries.Shecouldn’tbreathe.Herlungswereweaktobeginwith, and her asthma hadprevented her from learningto hold her breath for long.Kicking her feet, she rose tothe surface. Her head brokethrough and she gasped forbreath. The pirates stoodaboveherontheship,jeeringandlaughing.
“How long?” Matildacried.
“One minute fortyseconds,” Tiffany shoutedback.“Andwecan’twaitforyou.”
“Nice,” Matilda groaned.Her squad mates would notbemountingarescue.
As she swam toward arope that dangled from thedeckintothewater,shesawashimmer and was draggeddown again. The shark hadcaught her cheerleading skirt
in its jagged teeth, narrowlymissing her legs. Their eyesmet and she could see theshark’s stubborn hunger.There would be no mercyfromthisfish.
Matildahadfoughtplentyof full-grown men and oneveryangrykindergartner,butshe didn’t have anyexperience fighting sea life.So she did what camenaturally—she punched the
shark in the snout. Sheexpected it to cry out—mostpeopledidwhentheywereonthe receiving end of heruppercuts—but instead itopened its jaws to take abigger bite. She kicked at itviolently, fueledbyadrenalinand fear and the desperatedesire to not become theshark’s breakfast, andmanagedtoknockafewofitsmany teeth loose. Perhapssomewhere deep in hermind
her subconscious took over,becausewithout thinking shereached for her utility beltand snatched whateverinhalershecould.Shepushedthe plunger, and a blast ofconcentrated air knocked theshark for a loop. It wentspinning out of control withpartofherskirtinitsjaws.
There was no time tocelebrate; her lungs were onfire.Onceagain,sheswamto
the shimmering surface andbroke through into the air.From there she could see ondeck, where the tiny ball ofelectricityhadbegun to formin McKenna’s hand. IfMatilda didn’t get back, shewould lose her ticket home,and from what Tiffany said,they’dneverbeabletoreturntopickherup.
Grippingher inhalers,shewas just about to squeeze
when the shark snatched herskirtagain.Itpulledherdowndeeper and deeper until shewasn’t sure which way wasup. This time she knew sheonlyhadonechance.Assoonasitopeneditsmouthtotakea bite of her, she pushed theplunger on the inhalers andflew.
The shark chased afterher, matching her pace.Matilda’s heart soared when
she saw the streamingsunlightabove,andwhenshebroke the surface she gaspedin all the air she could.Without stopping, she usedtheinhalerstosailskywardina perfect arc up over therailingoftheshipandintothemilky skin of the glowingportal. A glance backrevealed the stunned facesofthe pirates. The surprise wasenough for the other girls toescapeandleapinafterher.
Whenshecameoutontheother side, she tumbled ontothe forest floor and felt thecoolnightairrushingthroughher wet, torn clothing. Herlungs were tight and shewheezed in and out violentlyuntil she could use hermedicinal inhaler. Shivering,sheclimbedtoherfeet.Mostof the girls looked as if theywere in shock. A few werefighting back sobs.And thenthere was McKenna, who
stood over her bag oftreasure, texting withlightningspeed.
“OMG! I totally missedlikeahundredtexts.I’llnevercatchup!”
“Is everyone OK?”Matilldaasked.
“Nice job, Maddie,”Tiffany said. “You’ve gotmoves.”
Matilda was red withanger.Shewantedtograbthe
girl and shake the stupidityoutofher.Thesecheerleaders—no, these children—wereplaying with something thatthey didn’t understand. Still,Matilda couldn’t blow hercover.
“Yeah. Thanks,” she saidthrough clenched teeth. “So,is this something you do alot?”
Lilly nodded. “We coulduse someone like you,
Matilda.”“No way!” Jeannie
shouted. “She shouldn’thaveconfronted those pirates. Ifshe hadn’t fought them, wecouldhavejustwaitedfortheportaltoopenandthenleft.”
“If it wasn’t for Matilda,we’d all be shark food,”Kylieargued.
Tiffanythrewherhandupto command their silence.“We need to get back to the
cabins. We have practicetomorrow.”
Tiffanyturnedandledthegirls back, leaving Matildabehind.
“I’ll catch up,” sheshoutedafterthem.
When she was alone,Matilda considered each ofthe girls. Which one wasGerdieBaker?McKenna hadthe device, which made herthetopsuspect,butLillyhad
punched the pirate with ahaymakerasgoodasanyshecould throw herself. Kylieseemedthebravestduringtheentireevent.AnyoneofthemcouldbetheMathlete.
Whenthegirlswereoutofearshot, Matilda tapped hernose to activate the comlink.“Ineedamedicouthere.”
A few minutes later theSchoolBus hovered over theforest.A rope ladder fell and
Agent Brand climbed downwith a first aid kit under hisarm. He met Matilda by afallen tree and took a closelookatherwound.
“I’mafraidthisisgoingtoleave a scar, Wheezer,” hesaid as he removed a needleand thread from the first-aidkit.Afterstringingtheneedle,he took a tiny bottle and asyringe from inside the kit.He filled the syringe with
liquid and tapped the needle.“I’m not going to lie to you.Thismighthurt.”
Then he jabbed thesyringeintohershoulder.Shewinced and nearly punchedhim in his handsome face.Asecond later hewas stitchingherwound.Theinjectionhadkilled all the feeling in herarmfromhershoulderdown.
“I’ve been to the otherside. I had to fight off a
bunchofpirates.”“Pirates,huh?”She nodded. “You were
there,youscurvydog.”“I’ve seen a lot of odd
things, but that’s trulystrange,” he said. “WonderwhatI’ddoifIcameface-to-facewithmyself.Didyouseeyourself?”
“Nope,” Matilda said.“They’d already pushed theothermeoverboard.”
“This is a nasty cut. Iwonder if you are in overyourhead,Wheezer.”
Matilda shook her head.“I’mfine.”
“Seven stitches seem tosayotherwise,”he said ashesqueezed some yellow salveontoherwoundanddresseditwith white bandages. “Not abadjob,ifIdosaysomyself.I don’t get to use my fieldmedicskillsallthatmuch.”
“Youwereadoctor?”“A field medic—a
military doctor … I had acouple years of medicalschool, but it didn’t take. Ienlisted, andUncleSamputsyou in the jobs you are bestsuited for—so I did it for afew years. I wanted to be apilot like my brother …”Hetrailed off into his ownmemories, then came backjust as suddenly. “I have no
ideawhatyou’regoingtotellyourfolks.”
“They probably won’tnotice. They’re too busyfighting,”Matildasaid.
Agent Brand shifteduncomfortably. “Families arehard to keep together. YourmotherisOK?”
“She’s a statue. It’s hardto tell,” Matilda said. “Mybrothers seem fine. It’s hardto tell if they’re acting out
more now than they werebefore.”
“It can help when youhaveasibling,”Brandsaid.
There was a long silencebetween them, as if Mr.Brand were somewhere else,aplacewherememorieswerefilledwithsharpedges.
Matilda knew she shouldchangethesubject.
“Well, I have anotherconcrete suspect,” Matilda
said.“Who?”“McKenna. She’s got the
bridge device—that’s whatthey’re calling it—and sheknowshowtouseit.Givemea couple of hours and I’ll goin and arrest her. I’m sureshe’llbeawakeandupdatingher social media profile,which, by the way, youshould probably haveBenjamin delete. I’m sure
she’s just told the wholeworld she was in anotheruniverse.”
McKennaOMGMcKennaOMG
OMG!I’mtotallygoing2anotheruniverse
todaytorobitblind.Hate2BThem!1hourago
McKennaOMGMcKennaOMG
Tiffwants2bringthenew
girl…ugh.58minutesago
McKennaOMGMcKennaOMG
OMG!Almostmurderedbypy-ratsanda
sharkbuttheworstpart—nocellservice410
minutes!Idon’tknowhowIsurvived.
30minutesago
McKennaOMGMcKennaOMG
Countin’mymoney.Holla’4thedolla’people!
22minutesago
McKennaOMGMcKennaOMG
Py-ratsarescary,yo!Arrrrr.
15minutesago
McKennaOMGMcKennaOMG
Lookatmyloot,people.Jealousmuch?10minutesago
McKennaOMGMcKennaOMG
Weirdkidsinthecabin.Onehascraz-eebraces.
6minutesago
McKennaOMGMcKennaOMG
Weirdkidsarearrestingme.Solame!5minutesago
McKennaOMGMcKennaOMG
Blindfoldedbutstilltxting!Takethatnerdkids!
3minutesago
McKennaOMG
McKennaOMGIMNArocket!Craz-eeee!
1minutesago
McKenna Gallagher wasnot happy. She was lockedinside a tiny room withconcrete walls and floors.Therewas noway she couldget a signal for her phone—not a single bar!Howwouldanyone know that she hadbeen kidnapped if she
couldn’tupdateherFacebookstatus?HerTwitter followersshould know that the roomhad one exposed light bulbhanging from a dirty lampand that it was shining rightinto her eyes! She needed tolet everyone know about thenew girl—the Korean-American one with the badtemper—and her gang ofnerdy misfits. They hadlocked her in a basement.This was not LOL! It was
SOS!Maddie sat across from
McKenna.“Iknowyoumustbe confused,” she said. Shewasn’t wearing hercheerleaderuniformanymore.Instead, she had on a blackbodysuit that zipped up thefront to her neck. If Maddiehadn’t kidnapped her,McKenna would probablyhave told her she lookedfierce.
“T 2 the H!” she cried.“You better let me out ofhere!”
“Pufferfish, what did shesay?”Maddieasked.
A girl with superkinkyblonde hair stepped forwardand opened a laptop. “Just asecond. According to mysearch,she’sa talkingintextmessages.‘T2theH’means,‘Talktothehand’.”
“OMGYG2BK!”
“OMGYG2BK?” Maddieasked.
Her friend typedfuriously.“Um,justasecond.That means ‘Oh, my gosh,you’ve got to be kidding.’”Thegirlshookherhead.“It’slike she speaks anotherlanguage.”
“Yeah, it’s calledannoying,”Maddiesaid, thenturned back to McKenna.“Listen, we don’t want to
waste our time andwe don’twant towaste yours, so let’sjustgettothepoint.It’sover.Weknowwhoyouare.”
“LDO!”McKennasaid.“‘Like duh, obviously,’”
thefrizzyblondetranslated.“I was on homecoming
court. I’m a cheerleader. IhaveninethousandFacebookfriends and twelve thousandMy space friends. I’mtopping out at seventeen
thousand Twitter followers.Everyone knows me!IMDB!”
The blonde girl startedtyping. “Thatmeans, ‘I’mdabomb.’”
“Gerdie,let’s—”“Who? My name’s not
Gerdie,idiot!”“We don’t need to play
this game any longer,”Maddiesaid.
“Ihopeyourparentshave
great lawyers, ’causemydadis a crazy great lawyer andhe’s going to sue you foreverypenny.H8TBU!”
“‘Hate to be you,’” theblondegirltranslated.
“Please calm down,Gerdie,”thenewbiesaid.
McKenna jumped to herfeet andmade a dash for thedoor.“Myname’snotGerdieand I will not calm down!Help! Help! Let me out of
here!”Another figure blocked
her way. He was cute, withblue eyes and wavy blondhair. But when he smiled—ugh! She remembered himfromherabduction—hehadamouthfullofmetal.Nowthathewasupcloseshecouldseehis braces were movingaround as if theywere alive.They spilled out frombetween his lips and
transformedintohugespindlyspider legsand lifted theboyofftheground.McKennawassoshockedshefellbackward.Her first instinct was to textTiffany,butcrawlingawayina desperate gamble for herlifewasaclosesecond.
“We’re not here to hurtyou,”Maddiesaid.
“Help!Help!”“Gluestick,Flinch?”Aroly-polyboyranupthe
side of the wall, then acrossthe ceiling, then down theother side to block her way.Frantically, she scurried toanother sideof the room,buta jittery Latino kid with acrazy look on his face wasblocking that way, too. Sheturnedagainonlytofindhimstanding there as well. Howdidhemovesofast?
McKenna shook withrage. She stomped her feet,
and though later she wouldfeel childish, “I’m telling!”was the first thing that cameto mind. Then she reachedintoherpocketandpulledoutherphone.
“Iamsopostingthis!”shesnarled.
But she never got achance. Maddie jumped outof her chair, snatched thephone, and then, much toMcKenna’s surprise, flew
intotheair,hoveringjustoutofreachlikeabumblebee.
“OMG! You are in bigtrouble, you freaks!” sheshrieked.
“Gerdie—”“WhoisGerdie?”“You! You are Gerdie
Baker,” the girl with thecomputer saidas sheheldupthe bridge device. “And thismachineyouinventedisverydangerous.You’recausingall
kinds of damage to thenational power grid, not tomention all the strange stuffthat’sgettingyankedintoouruniverse.”
“UGTBK!”Thegirlwentback toher
laptop. “‘You’ve got to bekidding.’”
“I didn’t invent thismachine!” McKenna cried.“Doyou think Icould inventsomething this complicated?
Tiffany gave this tome. Shesaid it didn’t go with hereyes. I said it didn’t gowithmine, either, but she said Ihad a boxy head and thismade it look thinner. I don’teven know how that thingworks except you push theblue button. There’s a gaugeonthesidethattellsyouhowlong you have until thebattery is recharged. That’sallIknow!”
McKenna watched theodd children huddle andwhisper. They kept lookingover at her suspiciously. Shewanted to send frown facetextstothemall.
“So Tiffany gave youthis?” the chubby one asked.“Sheinventedit?”
“I don’t know whoinventedit,butIhighlydoubtitwasTiffany.She’sasdumbasaboxofrocks.Iswearher
mom sets her clothes out inthe morning and has toremind her which are pantsand which are tops. Pleasedon’t tell her I said that.Shecanbeverymean.SWMBO.”
The blonde typedfuriously.“‘Shewhomustbeobeyed.’”
“All I know is it showedup about three weeks ago,”McKennacriedinapanic.“Itcould’vecomefromanyone.”
“Well, you’ve got to getback to the squad,” Flinchsaid to Matilda. “Figure outwhich of the other girlsbroughtitin.”
Matilda shook her head.“This mission is over. Wehave the device. Let’s justtossTextingTinainsomecellfor a while until this blowsover.”
“A cell? Like a jail? I’dnevermake it. They only let
prisoners go online a halfhouraweek!”
Just then, a man enteredthe room. He was a hottie,even though he was totallyold. McKenna couldn’t helpbutstareathim.
“I’mafraidthismissionisfar from over,Wheezer. Justbecause we have this bridgedevice doesn’t mean Gerdiewon’t build another one.Wehave to find her so she can
help us stop the tears in theuniverse.They’repoppingupall over the place now.Agents are telling us they’vefoundanuclearsubsittinginthe middle of that park yougirls were in last night. It’snot one of ours—the crewwas made up of angrybeavers.”
“I have always suspectedthe beavers would rise upagainst us,” Jackson said,
laughing.“This is serious business,
Braceface. We need to findGerdieonthedouble!”
Matilda scowled. “Fine!I’llgobacktothestupidsandweedouttheMathlete!”
“Who are you callingstupids?!”McKennasnarled.
Aprettywomaninglassessteppedintotheroom.Alittleblue ball floated in the airbehind her. There was so
much weirdness aroundMcKenna.Wasshelosinghermind?Shehad tostopeatingthemeatloafsurprise.
“Better leave right away,Wheezer,” the woman said.“There has been another tearand something elsedisappeared.”
“What?” Agent Brandasked.
“The WashingtonMonument.”
Brand paused, and thenroared, “We have to find away to stop these tears!FindGerdieBakernow!”
McKenna almost felt badfor Maddie. She would texther a frownie face if shecould. But before she couldreach for thephone,aneedlewasstuckinherarmandsheblackedout.
THISNEXTTESTJUDGESHOWYOUPERCEIVETHE
WORLD.DOCTORSCALLTHISA
RORSCHACHTEST.WHATIWANTYOUTODOISLOOKATTHEPICTURESANDTELLMEWHICHOFTHEFOLLOWINGTHINGSYOUSEEINTHEM.HELPFUL
HINT:THEPICTURES
ARENOTTALKINGTOYOU.THEYDON’TTALK.IFYOUHEARVOICESCOMING
FROMTHEM,THENITHINKWECANBOTHAGREETHATTHISTESTISOVER.THEY’REJUSTPICTURES.IPROMISE.
a.TWOSEALSGIVINGEACHOTHERAKISS(3POINTS)
b.ASPACESHIPFLYING
THROUGHANASTEROIDFIELD(3POINTS)
c.THEBOTTOMOFABIRDCAGE(3POINTS)
a.AROSE(3POINTS)
b.ACLOWN’SFACE(5POINTS)
c.THEMONSTERTHATVISITSYOU
ATNIGHT(10POINTS)
a.ADOG(3POINTS)
b.AMUTANTBUNNY(8
POINTS)c.AMUTANTBUNNYCROSSEDWITHANELEPHANTANDTHEDEVIL(10POINTS)
a.AWHITESTINGRAYRIDINGONTOPOFABLACKSTINGRAY(5POINTS)
b.ASTEALTHFIGHTERPLANE(3POINTS)
c.AGREATSYMBOLFORMYSUPERVILLAINCOSTUME(9POINTS)
a.AGOOD-LOOKINGDUDE(1POINT)
b.ASTAGGERINGLY
HANDSOMEMAN(1POINT)
c.MYMORTALENEMY(10POINTS)TOTALTHEMUP,
BUSTER.WOW.SCARY.
McKenna was given amemorydrugthaterasedthelast twenty-four hours of herlife, which saved Matilda’scover story and allowed herto continue her search forGerdieBaker.Gettingbothofthe girls back into the camp,however, was no easy task.
McKenna slobbered like abulldog and her legs werejelly, but Matilda somehowmanaged to pull her along.She dumped the dozingcheerleader onto her bunkand shoved her cell phoneinto her hand the way onemight give a toddler asecurity blanket. ThenMatilda fell into bed herselfand slept as deeply as sheeverhad.
Shewokefromadreaminwhich her family—hermother, father, and brothers—were all living happilyunderthesameroof.BenandMolly waltzed around theliving room, twirling liketops, smiling andgazing intoeachother’seyes.Wakingupto the real world felt like abody slam, and Matilda satstaring out the window nexttoherbunkand tryingnot tocry. She wondered if she
could use Gerdie’s bridgedevice to find the world ofherdreams.Asimplepushofa button could take her to aplacewherehermomanddadstilllovedeachother.
Whenshefeltcalmer,shedecided to take advantage ofthe fact that everyone elsewas still asleep. She climbedout of the bunk and movedfrom cabin to cabin, quietlysearching through Lilly’s,
Kylie’s, and Pammy’sbelongings. She opened theirdrawers and duffel bags,rifled through their personalthings, even peeked undertheirbeds.Unfortunately,shedidn’t find anything useful,except that Pammymight beacandyhoarder.
Frustrated, Matilda puteverything back in place andreturned to her bunk. Sheflipped open her notebook
and took stock of her notes.Her suspects were mysteriesto her. Kylie was kind andfunnyandinacrisisshekepta cool head. She couldcertainly have learned thatfrom spy training. Tiffanywas very athletic, somethingthat would have come inhandy as a secret agent. Onthe other hand, there werePammy andLilly,who spentmostoftheirhoursinfrontofthe mirror, complimenting
themselves. They followedTiffany around like puppydogs, and both could beexceptionallymean,butthesewere all just surfaceobservations. What did shereally know about them?Nothing! They were almoststrangers to her. Kylie wassweet—she could evenpossibly be a real friend toMatilda—butgettingtoknowthe others made Matildacringe. With her friends at
home she had completeconfidence, and she wasn’tbashful about speaking toanyone. But here, at thiscamp, with her makeup andcheerleading skirt, she feltawkward.Oddhowsuddenlybecoming what most peoplethought of as beautiful andpopular made her feel like anerd. If only she could swapout the lip gloss for hercombatboots!
She managed to catch afew more minutes of sleepbefore she felt someonestanding over her. Pammywas fully dressed in hercheerleading outfit with herarms crossed and a scowl onherface.
“Cheerleaders can’t belazy,”shesnapped.
“Um, tired! Attacked bypirates—almost eaten by ashark!”
Pammy rolled her eyes.“Boo-hoo!Letmeplayasadviolinforyou!Getdressed.”
Matilda swallowed herimpulse to deliver aroundhousekicktothesnottygirl and instead called out toher.“Listen,Iknowwedon’tknow each other well, butmaybewecouldbefriends.”
“Friends? You’ve beenwatching too much SesameStreet,”Pammysaid.
“I don’t know the firstthing about you,” Matildasaid. She tried to rememberGerdie’sfile.Whathaditsaidabout her sisters?Were theytriplets? Yes! “Like, do youhaveanybrothersorsisters?”
Pammyturnedandlookedat Matilda for a long time,thensighedinsurrender.“No,I’manonlychild.Myparentswisely decided to spend alltheirtimeandmoneytomake
metheamazingperson that Iamtoday.Now,ifyou’vegotenough info for yourbiography, you better getoutsideandbereadytocheerinfiveminutes!”
AsPammystompedoutofthe cabin, Matilda jotted inhernotebook thatshewasanonly child. She tucked thenotebook under her pillow,then leaped out of bed. Amomentlatershewasdressed
and rushing outside. Shehoped that Tiffany wouldnotice her eagerness and notabuse her as much as usual;her mostly sleepless nightwas starting to catch up toher. She also hoped she’dhave a chance to talk to herother suspects, especiallyLilly and Kylie.Unfortunately, she was thelastonetoarriveforpractice.Lilly was propping upMcKenna, as the effects of
the memory wipe wereclearly still causing balanceproblems,andpoorKyliewasforced to follow Tiffanyaround with a hot cup ofcocoa in case their leaderneededasip.
“I thought Pammy toldyou to get ready!” TiffanysnappedatMatilda.
“What?Iamready!”Tiffany laughed. “Your
hair is ugh andwhere’s your
makeup? When we practice,we have to look like we’regoing on stage. You maythinkyou’reanaturalbeauty,butIpromiseyouthatyou’renot.Oh, and takeKylie. Shecouldusesomework,too.”
Matilda enjoyed abeautiful little daydreamaboutbodyslammingTiffanyintothemuddypracticefield,butshealsorealizedthattheirleaderwasdoingherafavor.
Now she would get somealone time with one of hersuspects.
Matilda and Kylie stoodin front of the bathroommirror. They debated blushand eyeliner while Matildapretended to know thedifferencebetweenthem.
“So you’re makeupchallenged,too?”Kyliesaid.
Matildanodded.“Iwasn’texactly a girlie-girl before
cheerleadingenteredmylife.”Kylie smiled. “Nice to
know someone else wasgoing through an awkwardphase.”
“Awkward,huh?”“The worst. Sometimes I
wondered if I was evenhuman—but hey, look at menow.I’mhot!”Shelickedherfinger, set it onher arm, andthenmadeasizzlingsound.
“I’m so hot I have a
fever!” Matilda said. Shecouldn’t help but like Kylie.Unlike the other girls, whoseemedproudofhowshallowandsuperficialtheycouldbe,Kyliehadasenseofself thatcouldn’t be touched by pettyinsults. She didn’t seem tocare what the others thoughtofher.
“So,where are you from,Kylie?”
“Oh, everywhere. My
mommoves us around a lot.You?”
“Well, I was born in SanFrancisco but moved eastwhen I was a baby. Myparents wanted me to get agoodeducation.I’mabitofamath prodigy. Do you likemath?”
Kylie smiled. “I canbarelyaddtwoplustwo,”shesaid. “And I wouldn’t walkaround bragging about being
smart in front of the rest ofthe squad. There’s nothingthat makes dumb peopleangrier than having a smartperson reminding them thatthey’remorons.”
“HEY!” Tiffany’s voicebellowedfromoutside.“Let’sgo! The portal is openingrightnow!”
How is that possible?Matilda thought.She and theNERDShadconfiscatedit.
Theyraced into theforestand saw Toni and Jeannievanishingintothehugewhiteball. This time, Shauna waswearing a bridge device,brand-new and just as pinkandsparklyasthelast.
Tiffany and McKennawerein themidstofaheatedargument as more girlsdisappearedintotheportal.
“I’m sorry!” McKennacried, though somewhat
sleepily.“How do you lose a
machine thatopensadoor toother Earths?” Tiffanyshouted. “Doyou think thesethingsgrowontrees?”
“Where did you get thatone?”Matildaasked.
“Don’t you worry aboutwhere I got it, newbie!”Tiffany said. “Just getthroughtheportal!”
Matilda and Kylie did as
theywere told. Ina flash thecampwasgoneandtheyweretumbling into a humid rainforest. Ancient trees soaredoverhead, while a gurglingstream slipped over a stoneriverbed. Insects as big asMatilda’s fist buzzed aroundthegirls’heads.
“Um, I think there’ssupposed to be treasure,”Jeannie complained. “Whoseideawas it to letShaunause
theglove?”“Harsh! The scanner said
there’sa templeinthisforestwith a huge stockpile ofgold,” Shauna saiddefensively.
“Pair up and spread out,”Tiffanysaid.“Thetemplehastobecloseby.”
“I’ll go with Lilly,”Matilda said. She could tellKylie was a little hurt, butwhen major landmarks were
vanishing from Washington,D.C., you had to havepriorities.
Lilly seemed just as putout, but Matilda ignored it.She looped her arm throughthe girl’s and marched herintothebrush.
“I thought we could usethe time to get to knoweachother,”Matildasaid.
“Whatever,”Lillysaid.“So, Lilly, tell me about
yourself,”Matildasaid.“What do you care? Are
youspyingonme?”“Of—of course not,”
Matildastammered.“Everyone on this squad
is the same—two-faced. Ihate how we all gang up oneach other, and I’m sureanything I tell you will justget used against me whenQueen Tiffany decides todoleoutherfavors.”
“I promise I’mnot out toget you,”Matilda said. “Justmakingconversation.”
“You’re actuallyinterested?”
Matildanodded.“Sure.”“You first then. Tell me
somethingaboutyourselfthatyou don’t want anyone toknow. You spill and I’llspill,”Lillysaid,swattingataratherlargejunglebeetle.
“Ihavesixbrothers.”
“Wow, itmust have beenvery painful to tellme that,”Lillysaid.
“OK. OK!” Matilda said.She didn’t want to tell thisstranger her deep, darksecrets,butifitwouldgetherto open up … “My parentsaregoingtogetadivorceandI cry at night sometimeshoping they will get backtogether.”
“They won’t,” Lilly said
flatly. “My parents aredivorced,too.Theyeventriedto get back together. It’s justnotgoingtohappen.”
“Is that why you’reangry?”
Lilly took a step back.“YouthinkI’mangry?”
Matildanodded.“Yeah, I guess I am,”
Lillysaid.Matilda knew from
Gerdie’s file that her parents
weredivorced.CouldLillybethe Mathlete? Did she havesisters? Did she ever live inArlington?
Just then, somethingbrownandhairyleapeddownfrom the trees above theirheads. It was a chimpanzee,butnot likeanyshehadseenin a zoo. This one waswearingastrangeharnessthatcovered his chest, legs, andarms.Hewasalsocarryinga
bushel of bananas under oneof his stringy arms. He eyedthe cheerleaders carefully,and then, much to Matilda’sshock,hetappedhisnoseandsaid, “Flinch here. I havefoundtwooftheinvaders.”
He quickly peeled ahandful of bananas andshoved them into his mouth.As he chewed, his harnessbegan to glow. He poundedon his chest and shouted, “I
ammighty!”Matilda peered closely at
thecreature.Thischimpanzeewas Flinch—a very hairyversion, but Flinchnonetheless. There wasFlinch’s harness, and thesugar, and the chimp waseven shouting hiscatchphrase. And he wasn’talone. Soon, a cute yellowmonkey no bigger than ahouse cat swung through the
treesbyitstail.Bythewayitwas scratching its arms andlegs, Matilda guessed it wasthis world’s Ruby Peet. Anorangutanleapedfromtreetotree as if its feet and handswere covered in glue—obviously Duncan. RushingupbehindthemwasababoonJackson Jones, with a brightred nose, blue face, andenormousroboticappendagescoming from its mouth. Butthe most startling was the
razorback gorilla that flewoverheadwiththehelpoftwotinyinhalers.
The animals stepped intotheir fighting stances andsurroundedthegirls.
“Staywhereyouare,” thelittle yellow monkeycommanded. “We’re waitingforyourmachine to rechargeand then you and the rest ofyou moronic girls are goingbacktowhereyoubelong.”
Lilly cringed. “Talkingmonkeys!”
The gorilla pounded herchest and bared her fangs.“Some of us are apes!” shesaid,clearlyinsulted.
“Run!” Lilly cried,hurling herself into theovergrownjungle.
“Wait!” Matilda shouted,but Lilly was already gone.Matilda chased after her,swatting at branches and
leaves. Roots sprang up onthe path and snakes slitheredout of herway. It seemed asif thewhole jungle had risenup to torment her, but sheeventually caught up withLillyjustastheyplowedintoTiffanyandMcKenna.
“What iswrongwith younutcases?”Tiffanysaid.
“Monkeys are attacking!”Lillycried.
“She’s gone crazy,”
McKenna said. “I have topostaboutherbreakdown!”
Just then the razorbackflew overhead, propelled bytwo rocket-fueled inhalers.The rest of the furry teamfollowed,causingTiffanyandMcKenna to join in Lilly’spanic. The three of them ranoff, once again abandoningMatilda.
Matildastoodup,brushedherself off, and shouted up
into the trees. “You want totalk,I’mrighthere,butmakeit quick.We’ve got less thantenminutes before the portalopensandwehavetoleave!”
The gorilla slammeddownhardinfrontofher,andtheothercreaturesswungintoview. The tiny yellow oneleaped onto the gorilla’sshoulder and cleared herthroat.
“Humans that talk,” the
monkeysaid.“Fascinating,” thebaboon
said.“I’veneverbeenthisclose
toahuman,” thechimpanzeeFlinch said. “She’s quitestinky.”
The orangutan steppedforwardandeyedherclosely.“The talking must be sometrick she picked up. She’smimickingus.Theoneatthezoodoestricks,too.”
The baboon Duncan fellfromatreeandlandedonhisfeet.“Idon’tthinkit’satrick.Sheappearstobeintelligent.”
“You do realize I’m
standing right here and canhear every word you say,”Matildagrumbled.
“I’d hardly call herintelligent,”avoicesaidfromabove, and then anothercreature landed at her feet.This one looked almostcatlike, with a long stripedtail.Matilda knew theywerecalledlemurs—atleastonherEarth. It peered into her facecuriously.
“Not as smart as you,Mathlete, but still bright forherspecies,”thebaboonsaid.
“Wait! You’re theMathlete?” Matilda said tothe lemur. “I mean, you’rethis world’s Mathlete? I’mnotfromhere.”
“Clearly,” the monkeyRubysaid.
“But I’m one of you, Imean, I’m part of NERDS,butonmyEarth.Wow,thisis
really hard to explain. Myname is Matilda Choi. TheycallmeWheezer.”
“Noway!”Therazorbackgorilla sneered and thencircledher,eyeingherupanddown. “There is no way Iwould be a cheerleader! Notonanyplanet.”
It was then that Matildanoticed the gorilla had aunibrow.
Thelemurhoppeduponto
a branch. “We understandyouarefromsomewhereelse.Doyouunderstandyourvisithere is destroying themultiverse?”
“You’re experiencing ithere,too?”
“We’ve had some tearinginthefabricofreality.Thingshave been slipping into ourworld. If it hadn’t been forMISFIT, we would have noidea what was happening. I
presume you are workingwiththem?”
“MISFIT?”“The Multiverse and
Interdimensional SpecialForces Intelligence Team,”the orangutan said. “They’rea version of NERDS fromEarth 1. They fight crimesacrossthemultiverse.”
Matilda was bewildered.“Well, we could use theirhelp.We’retryingtostopthis
onourown.Didtheytellyouthat the human version ofMathleteisresponsibleforallthischaos?”
“Harrumph,” the lemursaid.
“Garrrrughhggaaa,” thechimpanzee Flinch said,overcomeby thesugar in thebananas. He turned the knobonhisharness.“Whatareyoudoingtostopher?”
“I have to find her first.
We don’t know what shelookslike,”Matildasaid,thenturnedtothelemur.“Listen,Iknow this is a bit of a longshot, but if you can tell meanything about yourself thatmight help me identify myGerdie,itcouldhelp.Youareobviously very different, butI’mdesperate!”
Thelemurshookherhead.Suddenly, there was a
loud hum. Matilda knew
exactly what it was. Thebridgedevicehadactivated.
“You need to get to theportal,” the orangutan said,echoingherthoughts.
“Fix this problem,human,” the lemur said.“Your world is not the onlyoneatstake.”
Before Matilda left, sheturned once more to herprimateself.Thegorillaeyedher right back. ThenMatilda
ran into theforest toward thedevice’snoise.Shefoundtherest of the squad climbingdown the stairs of whatlookedlikeanancientMayanpyramid.Thefive-storyhand-crafted stone structure rosehigh above the jungle floor,and she spotted a smallceremonial room at its top.By the looks of the heavysacks the girls were carryingdown its steps, that’s wherethetreasurewasstored.
“Glad tosee themonkeysdidn’teatyou,”Lillysaid.
Matilda nodded. “Me,too.”
“You can forget aboutrunning up there and gettinganyofthegold.Theportalisopen. You blew it runningaround like a freak in thejungle,”Tiffanysaid,walkingpast her toward the glowingsilverball.
“H82BU,”Mckennasaid.
Matilda pretended to bedisappointed. In the lasttwenty-four hours she hadnearlybeenkilledbypirates,had nearly been eaten by agreat white shark, and hadcome face-to-face with agorillaversionofherself.Thecrazy level had been turneduptoten!Butalloftheserun-inswouldbemuchpreferabletowhatshehadtodonext.Ifshe wanted to find Gerdie,shewas going to have to do
something drastic, and justthe thought of it made hercringe.
Screwball’sfeetwereboundtogether and his arms werewrappedinastraitjacket.Theheavy chain tied around hischest was equipped withfifteen industrial-strengthpadlocksthatwouldrequireablowtorch to cut. He had amaskoverhisfacetoprevent
him from biting, and hewasstrappedtoawheelchair.Theasylum staff had taken theseprecautions since he wasbeing visited by someonewhosenamehadappearedona list he’dmade entitled “10PeopleIWanttoWatchDie.”Thelistread:
1.DuncanDewey2.JacksonJones3.JulioEscala4.RubuPeet
5.AgentAlexanderBrand
6.ThesmugmanontheFoodNetworkwhobakesextremecakes
7.Thedogwhisperer8.SantaClaus,foralifetimeofdisappointments
9.MatidlaChoi10.TobedecidedbutprobablysomeoneI
reallyhateWith Matilda sitting
directly across from him, herealized it had been a stupidlist to make, especially withhis new plan in full swing.Now he had to turn on thecharm, which is not easywhen you are tied up like awildanimal.
“Old friend! So nice ofyou to come visit me in theloonybin,”hesaid.Hisguard
unfastened the padlockschaining Screwball’s handstogether and ran the chainsdowntothefloorandthroughtwosteelpinsmountedthere.Then he snapped the locksshut. “I hope you’ll excusemy outfit. It appears thehospital staff thinks I’mdangerous.” He leanedforward as far as the chainswould allow. “I know. Silly,huh?”
He laughed in hopes thatshe would join him, but shesattherestone-faced.
“I’m here because … Ineed your help,” Matildasaid. Shewinced as she saidthewords.
Screwball couldn’t helphimself. He let loose his all-new, all-sinister laugh. Itstartedoutslowbutsoonroseto a headache-inducingwhine. He laughed so hard
hisstomachhurt.Ifhehadn’tbeen chained to the chair, hemighthaverolledupinaballand guffawed all day. Fromthe sour look on Matilda’sfaceandherclenchedfists,hecould see he had finallyperfected it. So much forplayingtheniceguy.
Matildaclearedherthroat.“Wewanttoknoweverythingyouknowabout—”
“Gertrude Baker?”Screwballsaid.
Herfacefell,andhebrokeintoanother roundofwickedgiggles. “Or, as we used tocall her, Mathlete. Brilliantgirl. Her skillswith numberswere even superior to mine
after she got her upgrades.Seems thenanobytesallowedher to process informationmuch faster than a normalhuman brain—I was quiteenvious.She and Iwerenewrecruits together, you know,but she wasn’t around long.HerfamilymovedtoOhio.”
“Then you know whatshe’sbuilt?”Matildaasked.
Heathcliff chuckled. “Ishould.Ihelpedher.”
Hewatchedherfacegrowredwithrage.“Thatmachineisthreateningtheworld!”
“Oh, is it becoming anuisance?” Screwball said ina baby voice. “I’m soooosowwy, but I’m afwaid it’sgoing to get much, muchworse.”
“PlaygameswithmeandIwillflyyouuptenthousandfeetandletgo!”
Screwball winced. He
wasn’t sure if itwas a threator a promise. Matilda hadalways been unpredictable.“There’snoneed to resort toviolence. Ask yourself, whywouldIhelpsomeonebuildamachine that allows you tovisit themultiverse?Is it justto create problems? Cause afewpoweroutages?”
“You’re rambling,Heathcliff. I’m powering upmyinhalersrightnow!”
Without warning, he felthis blood boil. He lungedforward, chains rattling. “MynameisnotHeathcliff!”
“Sorry, Choppers,”Matildasaid.
“Wrong!”“Right, so what was it?
Ohyeah—Simon.”He snarled. “I’ve cast off
thatnameaswell for amoreappropriate moniker. Youmay callmeScrewball! Isn’t
that hilarious? You see! I’min a mental hospital for thecriminally insane. I’mcompletely cuckoo! You getit,right?Right?”
“I don’t care if you callyourself John JacobJingleheimer Schmidt!”Matilda said. “Tell me whatyou’vedone!”
Screwball took a deepbreath and sat back down.“Wheezer, relax. If I have
learned anything from mystayinhereit’sthatyouneedtojustchillout.”
“Every second we sit inhere the bridge device ismaking things worseoutside,”shesaid.
“But you’ve got it allwrong, agent. Gerdie’smachine doesn’t build abridge to other worlds. Itpushes the worlds apart.That’swhat’s causing all the
troubles.”“Can everyone in the
world just for one momentpretend that I am not asupergenius,” Matilda said,slamming her fist on thetable.
“Touchy, touchy.BynowI’m sure you’ve heard thattherearebillions,maybeeventrillions, of Earths that existin their own dimensions.What you probably don’t
know is that all these Earthsexist in the exact sameplacein those dimensions. It’scalled the universal constant—Earth’slocationistheonlyplacethatisthesameineverydimension. When Gerdieturns on her machine, itshoves the Earths around,knocking them out of theconstant, and when thathappens it stretches themultiverse and sometimeseven tears it, creating a hole
from our world to another.That’swhat’s causing all thecrazy phenomena, Wheezer.HermachineismakingSwisscheeseoutofourdimension.”
“So if we find themachine andnever turn it onagain, everything will goback to normal?” Matildaasked.
“Nope,” Screwball said,he smiled behind his mask.“Thefirst timeGerdie turned
on her machine, she pushedour world hopelessly out ofalignment. It’s floatingoutside the constant. Themore times she uses it, theworseitgets,butevenifyounever turned it on again, theholeswould still be there. Infact, they’ll probably just getbigger.”
Matilda was silent. Hecould see her trying tounderstandwhathehadsaid.
“Which will destroy theworld,”headdedhelpfully.
“Yeah, I kind of figuredthatout,”Matildasaid.“Howdowestopthis?”
Screwball rubbed hishands together eagerly. Hisscheme was working exactlyasplanned.“Youcan’t.OnlyIcan.Youhavetoreleasemefromthishospital.”
“Yeah, right!” Matildacried. “I’m not letting your
crazy behind out of here.You’ll just try to take overtheworldagain.”
“Matilda! I am shocked.Can’tyou see I’ma changedperson?”
Matilda eyed himdisapprovingly.
Screwball laughed. “OK,fine. Busted! But I’m youronly hope. I can build amachine that will put ouruniverse back where it
belongs.It’syourchoice.”Matildatappedhernoseto
activate her comlink. “Haveyoubeenlistening?”
Screwball watched her,listening to what he guessedwasalivelyargument.
“Hecan’tbetrusted!”shesaid, then frowned. Shetappedhernoseoncemoretoturn off the communicationdevice.
“We have a deal,” she
said. “You’ll be undertwenty-four-hoursurveillanceand in the custody of theteam.Youwillgettoworkonthis new machine, but knowthis—if you try to pull anyshenanigans, I will drop youinavolcano.”
“I consider myselfwarned,” he said, though hecouldn’t help but grin. Hisplan was working—but thenagain, he was a genius. Of
course it was working! “Oh,andMatilda, Idohavea fewdemands. Nothing a secretsocietyofspiesshouldhaveaproblemacquiring…”
Attention,LesserBeings,It has come to my
attention thatyou requiremyhelp. Let me start by saying…Ha!
I knew this day wouldcome.Doubleha!
But there will be enoughtimetogloatlater(trustme,itwill occur).There iswork to
be done! To get started, Ihave compiled this list ofdemands. I’ve taken theliberty of putting them intotwocategories:DealBreakersand Wish List. As you canimagine, Deal Breakers aremust-haves; the others Iwould enjoy, and obtainingthem would go a long waytoward your continuedsurvival when I inevitablytakeoverthisplanet.
DealBreakers1.Iwanttobereleasedfromthishospital.
2.Iwantmygoontoaccompanyme.Pleasecallhisserviceandinformhimthathispresenceisrequired.
3.Iwantallmyenemiestobedestroyed.
WishList1.Itireofkittens.Findaplacetoputthemandneverletmeseeoneagain!
2.IwantalifetimesupplyofthedeliciouscandytreatcalledCircusPeanuts.AllofthepeoplewhothinktheyaregrossshouldbepushedintotheoceansoInever
havetoseesomeonegivemethatlookofrevulsionwhenIsitandidlyeatanentiresackofthem.
3.Iwantmydriver’slicense,andyes,IknowIamonlyeleven,butIstillwantit.
4.IwanttobeabletocarryabazookawithmewhereverIgo.
5.Iwantsomeonetocarrythebazookaformewhenitgetsheavy.
6.ItwouldbetotallyawesomeofyoutogivemebackmyupgradessoIcantakeovertheworld;)Justkidding!
7.Iwantamajorcityinthiscountrytochangeitsnameto
ScrewballCityandthismajorcitycannotbeinPennsylvania,RhodeIsland,orAlaska.
8.WhenIwentrogue,myparents’memoryofmewaserased.IwantthemtorememberwhoIam.
Yourlordand(inevitable)master,Screwball
OfficialNote:Aftercarefulreview,mostof
Screwball’srequestsweredenied.WerecommendclosesupervisionofMr.Hodges—anyonewholikesthoseickyCircus
Peanutcandiescannotberightinthehead.
An hour later Screwball wastaken out of the hospital.Unfortunately,hehadmissedlunch—anditwastacoday.
“IfIamgoingtosavetheworld, thevery leastyoucando is feed me,” Screwballsaid as he was led in chainsthrough the halls of NathanHale Elementary. Of coursehe knew he was a prisonerand responsible for thecalamity that threatened totear apart the universe, butwould it have killed them togothroughadrive-throughorsomething?
“The cafeteria’s closed,bub,”thelunchladysaid.Thebig brawny brute wasescorting him, along withPufferfish, Braceface, Flinch,Wheezer, Gluestick, and hisgoon.
“I will have tacos!” hepouted. “Pizza!A hot dog! Imust feed my body andmind!”
“Kid, if you don’t calmdown, I’mgoing to feed you
this chain,” the lunch ladygrowled.
Atonce,thegoonsteppedforwardandthetwomenshoteachotherdeadlystares.
“You feeling froggy,pal?” the lunch lady said.“Whydon’tyoutakealeap?”
The goon flashed hishookedhand.
“Am I supposed to beafraid?Whatareyougoingtodo,openacanofSpaghettiOs
onme?”thelunchladyasked.“Calm down, my friend,”
Screwballsaidtothegoon.“Listen to Nutball,” the
lunchladysaid.“It’sScrewball!”“Does it matter?” the
lunchladyargued.“Tellyourpaidmonkeynottobefooledby the dress. I got a righthook that feels like ahammer.”
“Let’s just get these two
into the Playground, please,”Pufferfish said. “My feet areswelling up. Somethingdangerous is about tohappen.”
“What do you think iscausingit?”Bracefacesaid.
“I think it’s radiation!”Pufferfishsaid.“Ifeltitwhenwe met those talking dogs,andit’salloverWheezer.”
“So, I’m radioactive?”Wheezer said. “Great!
Couldn’t that bewhat you’rereactingto?”
Pufferfishshookherhead.“Nope.Thisisbigger.”
“Graggghhh?” Flinchsaid, thenturnedtheknobonhis harness to calm himself.“Do you think it’s one ofthosetears?”
“Thenwemustgetaway,”Screwball said. He knew aswellasanyonethatdangerousthings could step through
those tears, and the NERDSwerestupidenoughtowanttostay and fight whatever itwas.
“What’s the matter,Hodges?” Jackson said. “Areyouafraidyoumighthave tofacetheconsequencesofyourinvention?”
Suddenly, a bright lightappearedintheairinfrontofthem in the hallway.An ear-shattering boom sent
Screwball falling backward.He had only imagined thetearsandhadnotseenoneinperson. It was bothfrighteningandexcitingatthesame time. He could feel itsrawpowerallaroundhim.
“I hope whatever comesout of that hole eats you!”Matildashouted.
Just then a battalion offigures dressed in strangesilver suits raced out of the
hole. At first glance theyappeared human, but as thelight from the tear dimmed,Screwball could see theywere shaped more likegigantic grasshoppers. Theirfaceswereflatandgreenwithblack, bulbous eyes. Twospindlyantennaepokedoutoftheir foreheads, and theirmouths were nothing butpinchers.Eachheldastrangeweaponattachedtotubesthatled to tanksstrappedon their
shoulders.
“Looks likewe’ve got aninfestationofhumans,people.Prepare for spraying,”oneof
thebugssaid.“Try to keep them in the
hallway. If they get loose,theycangoback to their lairand lay eggs. We all knowwhat a hassle it is to cleanthemout,”anotheronesaid.
“Ugh, the contract said itwas just some vermin. Nothumans!Weshouldget themon the phone and tell themit’s going to cost more. Idon’t want anyone
complaining about the billwhen it comes,” a third bugsaid.
“I’ve heard these thingsare practically indestructible.Theysaytheycouldsurviveanuclear bomb. Filthy littlethings could crawl under arefrigerator and live until theendoftime.Spraythem!”
The bugs fired theirweapons, spraying everycorner of the hallway with a
thick green liquid. Screwballcouldn’thelpbutscream,andlater he would feelembarrassed, but these werebugs—hehatedbugs.Talkingones were even freakier.Luckily, the usuallydimwitted Jackson sprangintoactionusinghisbracestobuild a shield that protectedeveryone from the toxicchemical.
Suddenly, the bugs were
shouting at one another tostopthespraying.
“Whatkindofpesthasitsownforcefield,boss?”oneofthemasked.
“Itmust be a new strain!Keepspraying!”
The bugs continued theirextermination with the sameresult.
“You have to stop this!”Screwball shouted atPufferfish.
“Me?Thisisyourfault!”“Wait, did one of them
talk?Guys,we’renotgettingpaid enough for thisnonsense. You get that fatbeetle on the phone and tellhimwedon’tdo thiskindofwork. Humans that talk andhave force fields need themilitary—notexterminators.”
“Nonsense!”anothersaid.“It doesn’t matter what theycando;wewerepaidtoclear
them out. Get theflamethrowerready.”
“Flamethrower!”Screwballcriedashescurriedbehindhisgoon.“My friend,thisisaperfecttimeforustoprove our trustworthiness.We need to sacrificeourselvestosavetheothers.”
“That’s genius, boss,” thegoon said. “What do yasuggest?”
“Leap out and attack
them,”Screwballsaid.“Um, they’re shooting
poisonatus.”“It will appear very
brave,” he said. “Naturally, Iwill command you to do it,whichwillmakethembelieveIhavegoodintentions.”
“Whereisthe‘we’inthissacrifice?”thegoonasked.
“Someone has to staybacktomakesuretheother’ssacrificeproperlycelebrated,”
Screwball explained. “Thesefoolsarenotsmartenoughtounderstandhowselflesswe’rebeing, and I will be there toremindthem.”
“Why can’t I do thereminding and youse do theattacking ?” the goongrumbled.
“Iwould be happy to go!But tragically, I’m locked inchains, if you haven’tnoticed. Can you even
imagine the envy I have thatyou will be saving the day?Now, enough rubbing mynose in it. Go save us—butwait for my heroiccommand!”
Thegoonsighed.“Minion! Stop these
monsters and save us all!”Screwball shouted, thenwatched as the goon jumpedintothefray.Hepunchedoneof the insects, then kicked
another in its armored belly.Heusedhishooktoslashthehoses that led to the poisontanks and had nearly wipedthem all out when he turnedand found a weapon pointedrightinhisface.
“Ihateyoucreepy-crawlythings!” the bug shouted andsprayedhimintheface.
The goon screamed andclawed at his eyes. “I can’tsee!”
Screwball watched as hisformer teammates leaped tothe goon’s defense. Flinchsnatched the giant bug andtossed him into the gaping,brightenergyhole.Bracefaceusedhisshieldtopushothersback, and Pufferfish leapedup, planting her foot intoanother’sface.
The rest of the bugs fled,running headfirst into thelight, vanishing into nothing
as the hole shrank anddisappeared.
“We’vegottogetthisoneto the infirmary,” the lunchlady said, as he hefted thegoonoverhisshoulder.
Screwball saw hisemployee’s facewas red andswollen, covered in horribleblisters.Hewasamess!Whatluck! He couldn’t haveplanneditbetterhimself.
“Did you see what I did,
old friends?” Screwballasked. “Did you see thesacrifice I made? Icommanded my onlycompanion to save us all. Ihope that you will see howcourageous that was of me.Clearly,I’mtrustworthy.”
Everyonestaredathimindisbelief.
Could they really not seehis sacrifice? “I was quiteheroic commandingmygoon
to save us—selfless, youcouldsay.”
Theycontinuedtostare.“Really! I’m without a
goon now. Do you knowwhat it feels like for an evilgenius tobewithoutagoon?It’slikebeingnaked!”
They continued down thenow-empty hall and stoppedin front of a row of lockers.They opened the doors,stepped inside, and were
whisked downward severalstories until they reached thePlayground. A team ofmedics carried the goonaway. Benjamin zipped overand hovered aroundScrewballlikeanangrywasp.
“So,you’reback,”theorbchirped.“Justsoyouknow,Ihave my fiber-optic eye onyou.Youcan’t be trusted. Infact, I can sense yourheartbeat iselevated,proving
thatyouarelying.”“I didn’t say anything!”
Screwballsaid.“You don’t have to!”
Benjaminreplied.Agent Brand and Ms.
Holidaywerewaitingthereaswell. The rugged directorstepped forward to addressthestaffofscientistsstandingin a group. “Attention,everyone! As you can see,Heathcliff has returned to
help us with our currentdilemma.Youaretogivehimyour complete cooperation,but let’s make somethingperfectlyclear.Mr.Hodgesisnot to be trusted. If he ismeddling in thingshe shouldnotbe,thenalertsecurityandmeatonce.”
“What a lovelyintroduction,” Screwballgrumbled. “I feel sowelcome.”
Brand turned tohim.“Allright, kid, you’ve got thefinestscientificmindsatyourdisposal.Youhavespace-agetechnologyandmaterials.It’stimetogettowork.”
“What I want to build iscomplicated, and most ofthese so called ‘brilliantminds’arenothingmorethanmonkeysinlabcoats.Idon’thavethetimeorinclinationtoexplain to them the science
behindmy plans. It’s best toput me in the upgrade chair,give me back my teeth, andthen I can control them all.Hypnotizing them to do thework is really the mostefficientapproach.”
“You’re not gettinganywhere near the upgraderoom,”Matildasaid.
Heathcliff was indignant.“Youcametomeforhelp!”
“I want guards on the
upgrade room twenty-fourhoursaday,”Brandshouted.“No one goes in or out—noteventeammembers.”
“I see,”Screwball said ashescowled.Hisangergotthebest of him, and before heknew it he was turning redand shouting vicious threatsat everyone. Soon he foundhimself strapped to a heavychair.
Theblueorbzoomedover
tohimandhoveredinfrontofhis face. “Now that you’recomfortable, we should getstarted.”
Screwball fumed. “Tocounteract Gerdie Baker’smachine, I am proposing webuildsomethingofourown.Icall it ‘the atomic harpoon.’In its simplest form we’regoingtousearopeof tightlypacked subatomic materialwhich we will fire at our
Earth from anotherdimension. We will build asecondharpoon,aswell, thatwe’ll activate here. The twoharpoons will reel us backinto the universal constant.Oncewe’rebackinplacethecrisiswillbeover.”
“Fascinating,” Duncansaid.
“That’s an incredibleunderstatement, Duncan. It’snothing short of enlightened.
This plan cements mystanding as the mostimportant mind in thisuniverse … or any other!”Screwballbragged.
Duncan rolled his eyes.“How long will it take foryoutobuildit?”
“Oh, it would take methousands of years to buildit,”Screwballsaid.
“All right!” Brandshouted. “You’re going back
tothehospital!”Screwball was surprised
by the spy’s anger. “Thismachineistheoreticalandthemathnecessaryforittoworkis beyond anything anyonecan do. No one is morefrustrated than me. Imaginebeing a genius and fullyawareofyourlimitations!It’sbummingmeout!”
“THENWHYAREYOUHERE?”Brandcried.
“Because it’s not beyondthe brainpower of GerdieBaker, or at least notbeyondthatoftheMathlete.BringinGerdieandgiveherbackherupgrades. Her superchargedbrain will help me assemblemyinvention.”
“Absolutely not!”Pufferfishsaid.
“Gerdie’s upgrades areessential!”Heathcliff said. “Ican’tbuilditwithouther.”
“We can’t find her!”Wheezercried, thenusedherinhaler. “She’s changed herappearance.Shedoesn’t lookanythinglikeshedid.”
“The answer is ratherobvious. It’s math,”Screwballsaid.
“Math?”“Shelovesmath,”hesaid.
“No!Loveisthewrongword.She’s obsessed with math.Gerdie can’t help herself. If
there’sa problem, she has tosolve it—and the morecomplicated thebetter.She’llgive herself away with therightequation.”
“If we bring you Gerdie,is it going to take thousandsofyears?”Brandasked.
Screwballshookhishead.“Together we can build it inno time at all. Gluestick andPufferfishcanactivateoneofthe machines here. Gerdie
and I will go to the otherEarthtosetitupthere.”
Screwball watched Brandstew in his anger. “Wheezer,timeisrunningout.WeneedGerdie Baker and we needherrightnow!”
Matildasighedandturnedto Duncan. “I need thehardest math equation youcanfind.”
Matilda slipped back intocamp while the girls wereeating breakfast. They hadhardlynoticedshewasgone.
“No eggs?” she grumbledasshesatnexttotheothersatone of the picnic tablesoutside.Hertraywascoveredin the four b’s: broccoli,
brown rice, bean curd, andblech!
“Jeannie’s vegan,” Kylieexplained as she sipped onher ginger bean-curd soup.“And Toni thinks breakfastfoodgivesherpimples.”
Matilda sniffed her riceandstuckouthertongue.Shepicked at it until only Kyliewasleftatthetable.
“Youdon’t enjoy this, doyou?”Kyliesaid.
“I’m sort of a pancakes,waffles, sausage, eggs, andmore sausage kind of girl,”Matildareplied.
“Not the food, silly.Cheerleading,”Kyliesaid.
Matilda froze. Ms.Holiday had warned heraboutstayingpositivearoundthe other girls. Cheerleaderswere usually happy people.Hadherearlydisdain forhermission painted her as a
grouch?“I get it,” Kylie said. “I
wouldn’t want to be here ifmyparentswere splittingup,either.”
“What?”“Lilly told me you’re
upsetaboutit.Minebrokeup,too. You’re probably doingthiswholecheerleading thingtogetattention.”
Matilda nodded. Shedidn’t know where this
conversation was going, andshe didn’t necessarily agreewithKylie,butaslongasoneof her suspects was talkingshewouldlether.
“Mymomanddadgotsocaught up in fighting theysometimes forgot howconfusedIwas.Theonlywayto get their attention was tothrow myself into cheering.Mymomdiditwhenshewasmy age.Mydad said hemet
heratagame.OnceIshoweda little interest in it, theyshoweda lotmore interest inme. Still, I feel like a fraudsometimes.Theskirtsandthehair aren’t really me. I’mkindofatomboy.”
“I’vebeen accusedof thesame thing,” Matildaadmitted.
“I turned myself intosomeone my mom and dadcouldget excitedabout—and
the fighting stopped … alittle.Iknowlotsofkidswhodid the same thing.They gotinto sports, or art, orwhatever. I know this kidback home who starteddressing like a misfit just sohis parents would worryabout him. He had a pair ofcombat boots he never tookoff—he even wore them tobed.” Kylie smiled sadly.“Wealldowhatwehaveto,Iguess.”
Matilda couldn’t speak.Suddenly, she didn’t feelmuchlikeasecretagent.ShewassupposedtobecollectinginformationonKylieand theothers,buther friend seemedto be the one with all theunderstanding. Matilda’sstrangeclothes,thewrestling,theUltimateFighting—ithadallbeenanefforttogetMollyandBentostoparguing.
When her nanobytes
helpedher asthma, therewasnothingtokeephermomanddad busy. The crazy clothesandhairhadbeenanefforttoget them back on the sameteam. She had created aversionofherselfforthemtopayattentionto—analternateMatilda—but it hadn’tworked.
She sat quietly throughtherestofbreakfast,listeningto the girls giggling and
tellingstoriesaboutboysandteachers.
Suddenly she sneezed;someone on the teamneededto talk to her. She excusedherself and headed to thebathroom.Checking tomakesure that she was alone, sheslid into an empty stall andreached into her pocket.There was Duncan’sequation. Matilda couldn’tmakeheadsor tailsof it, but
if Screwball was right, itwould be a second languagetotheMathlete.
She sneezed again andDuncan’s voice popped intoherhead.
“Howisitgoing?”“I’ve got the equation
rightinfrontofme.Wishmeluck,”shesaid.
“It’sashamethisissuchapriority, Wheezer,” Duncanadded. “The NCA finals are
tomorrow and TeamStrikeforcehasarealshot.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”“My sister just joinedher
school’s squad and she’sobsessed!She toldme that ifthe junior elite team doesn’thave at least eight membersthey have to forfeit. Whenyou and Gerdie are gone,Team Strikeforce will bedown to seven. They’ll haveto drop out.” Matilda didn’t
respond, andDuncan clearedhis throat. “Well, good luckwithMathlete!”
Matildatappedhernosetoclose the link and then wentout to wash her hands. Shehad never consideredDuncan’s claim. ArrestingGerdiewouldn’t just end hermission—it would rob thesquad of their dream. All oftheirhardworkwouldbe fornothing. It was a shame the
rest of these girls had gottencaught up in all of this.Althoughtheywerecausingalotof chaos, they truly lovedcheering. Even underTiffany’s general disdain forthe others, glimmers of joypeeked out when theypracticed.Shehated to admitit,butshehadstartedtoenjoycheerleading, too. It wasintense and physical—a lotlikebeingasecretagent.Shewouldneveradmitit,butshe
washavingfun.She applied another coat
of lip gloss as she looked atherselfinthemirror,andwithastartrealizedthatshehardlyrecognized herself.Whowasthis Matilda—thischeerleading-sympathizinggirlie-girl? She had neverdreamed this person mightexist underneath herragamuffin hair and combatboots. She had worked so
hard to transform herselffrom sick and suffering tosuperspy. Shewanted peopleto see her as someone whocouldtakecareofherself.Buthadshegoneoverboard?Wasthere room inside her forMaddietheCheerleader,too?
No! Angrily, she tossedthe lip gloss into the trash.What was she thinking? Shewasn’t a cheerleader! Shewas a NERD. She was sent
on this mission to root outsomeone who was trying todestroytheworld.Whocaredabout these stupid girls andtheirstupidcompetition?
Matilda crumpled theequation in her hand andwalked back toward thepicnic tables. The girls weregathered around them,chatting before the day’spractice.
“Does anybody know
anything about algebra?”Matilda asked. “I flunkedmathandmyteachersaysifIcan solve thisproblem, I cangetoutofsummerschool.It’snot fair! He worked forNASA or something beforehecametoourschool.”
Kylie took the paper.Matilda hoped she wasn’tGerdie. She liked Kylie andhad come to think of her asher biggest friend in the
group. But thankfully Kylierolledhereyesandhanded itto Jeannie. “I’m terrible atthisstuff.It’sjustgibberishtome.”
Jeannie had a similarreaction.Jeanniehanded it toToni, who cringed and thenhanded it to Pammy, like agame of hot potato. MatildawatchedPammy’sfacerecoilin horror as if the equationwere something particularly
disgusting. “This gives me aheadachejustlookingatit.”
Pammy handed it toMcKenna, who never evenlookedupfromtextingtoseewhat it was. She handed itdirectly to Tiffany, whostudied it hard. Matildawatched her face.Unlike theother girls, Tiffany was notfilled with confusion anddread.Infact,shelookedasifshewere trying to solve it in
her head. Matilda’s heartjumped. Tiffany was Gerdie.Shehadtobe!Butthen—
Tiffany rolled her eyes.“Notme!”
Matilda bit back hershock. Deep down Tiffanyhadbeenherprimarysuspect.Maybe she was justpretending to be dumb.Hadn’t Kylie told her that itwas better to play dumbaroundtheothergirls?Maybe
Tiffanywas smart enough toknow that math would giveheraway.
Tiffany handed theequation to Lilly, whoexamineditclosely.
“What’s this?” Lillyasked.
“Maddie’s homework,”Tiffanysaid.
“Theanswer is two-thirdsof ten to the ninth power.Thisisyourhomework?This
iscomplicatedstuff.”“Wow!” McKenna cried.
“Lilly’s like some kind ofmathwhiz.”
“More like a mathlete,”Matildasaid.
Lilly’seyesmetMatilda’sand the two stared at eachother.
“Who sent you?” Lillysaid.
“I’m with NERDS,”Matildareplied.
“Youheretotakemein?”Matildanodded.“Youthinkyoucan?”Matildanoddedagain.“What’s going on?”
Shaunasaid.Lillyclenchedherfists.Matilda smiled. She
hadn’t gotten to slug anyonein a few days. She wasoverdue. She threw the firstpunch, but Lilly blocked it.She threw another, with the
same result. Matilda kickedand attempted a roundhouse,but each assaultwas blockedwithease.
“You’re good,” Matildasaid,genuinelyimpressed.
“Igotthesametrainingasyou, peewee,” Gerdie said,deliveringaseriesofpunchesand kicks that Matildaswattedaway.
“You two have to stopthis,” Kylie cried. “You’re
teammates.”“No, we’re not,” Matilda
said.“Tellthemthetruth.”Gerdie jumped onto one
of the picnic tables andshifted her fighting style tomartial arts, sending precisepunches to Matilda’s face,chest, and belly.Martial artshad never been Matilda’sstrong suit. She hated thestrict movements andpreferred the freedom of a
street fight, but she knewenough about it to defendherself. She also knew shewouldn’tlastlonginthistypeof fight, so she improvised,snatching up breakfast platesand silverware to use asweapons. Gerdie swattedthemallaway.
“Her name is GertrudeBaker,” Matilda shouted totheothergirls.“Themachineyou’ve been using was her
invention.”Tiffanynodded.“It’strue.
Shegaveittometogetaspoton the squad. I didn’t wanther.”
“You took a bribe!”McKennaexclaimed.
“It helped us pay for thebus.Wecouldn’thavegottenthisfarwithoutit!”
“I’msotextingthis!”Matilda continued.
“Gerdie used the machine to
steal things from otheruniverses, just like you did!Sheusedthemoneytofundamassive amount of plasticsurgery. If you sawwhat shelooked like before, youwouldn’t even recognizeher.”
Gerdie grimaced andturnedup the intensityofherfight.
“Back at home in Akron,Ohio,theycallherGruesomeGerdie.”
“Shutup!”“She has two sisters who
are totally gorgeous—realmodel types. She wassuperjealous, so she decidedtoturnherselfintothem.”
“Shutup!”“And she’s put theworld
and all the other Earths thatyou’vevisitedatrisk.Infact,there are trillions of worldsthatareabouttobedestroyedbecauseGerdiewanted to bepretty, so you all would likeher,” Matilda said, catchingGerdie with a shot to thebelly. “But she’s not one ofyou.She’sanerd.Aloser.Amisfit.”
“Just like you,” Gerdieseethed.
“No, not just like me,”Matilda shouted as she shotintotheairusingherinhalers.“I’m proud of what I am. Iamproudofbeinganerd!”
She kicked Gerdie in theface on the way up and thecheerleaderfelloffthepicnictable to the ground, flat onherback.
Matilda landed, thenpressed the comlink on hernose.
“WheezertothePlayground.”“Do you have good news
for me, agent?” Mr. Brandsaid.
“I’ve got Mathlete,” shesaid, just as Gerdiescampered to her feet andtackled her. The two rolledaround on the ground as theothercheerleadersscreamed.
“What’sgoingon?”Brandsaid.
“At the moment, she’s
beating me up,” Matildaexplained.
“The team is on theirway,”Brandsaid.
GerdiesluggedMatildainthechin,rattlingher teeth.Inreturn Matilda thrust herelbowintoGerdie’sbelly.
The two girls tradedpunchesandkicksalloverthecampground.Gerdiehadbeentrainedwell.Herattackswerefast and furious, but it was
Matilda who eventuallypinned the girl on her backand put her into a trianglesubmission hold. The rest ofthe squad stood in stunnedsilence until Kylie finallyspoke.
“Whoareyou?”“I’maspy,”Matildasaid.
“You can call me Wheezer.Lilly—orGerdie,orwhateveryou call her—she is afugitive, and I was sent to
findherandarresther.”Pammy looked as if she
might be sick. “You camehereandpretended tobeoneofus?”
“Actually,Gerdiedid thatfirst,”Matildasaid.
Gerdie stomped her footinanger.“Iadmititall,butIworkedhardtoearnmyspot.This was real for me. I justwantedtobepretty.”
“So now what?” Jeannie
asked.Matilda could see the
anger on everyone’s face.“Well, she’sgoingbackwithme to help fix what she’sbroken.”
“And what about us?”McKennasaid.
Matilda scowled to coverher uncertainty. “What aboutyou?You’renotthecenteroftheworld.You’renot evenatiny part of it! You’re
cheerleaders. The entiremultiverse is at stake. Whocaresaboutyou?”
“What about the finals?”McKenna asked Tiffany.“They’retomorrow.”
Tiffany shook her head.“Lilly and Maddie orwhoever they are dragged usinto their stupid drama. Wehavetoforfeit.”
Someofthegirlsbegantocry.Othersstoodstone-faced,
seething with hatred forMatilda and Gerdie. Kyliewouldn’t even look Matildaintheeye.
THESERESULTSAREGETTINGWORSEANDWORSE!LET’STRYSOMETHINGEASY—FILLINTHEBLANKS.NOW,NORMALLYYOUWOULDREADTHEFOLLOWINGSENTENCESAND
CHOOSETHEWORDTHATBESTFITSYOU,BUTSOFARTHAT’SNOTWORKING.
YOU’REKINDOFCREEPY,KID.THEONLYTHINGICANTHINKISTHATYOUARECONFUSEDOR
YOULIVETOOCLOSETOPOWERLINES.SOI’MGOINGTOHELPYOUPICKTHERIGHTANSWERS.YOU’LLSEEMYHELPFUL
HINTSTHROUGHOUTTHEQUIZ.EASY-
BREEZY!
______________1.WHENIWAS
LITTLE,THEOTHERCHILDRENWOULD
MAKEMEa.LAUGH(1POINT)b.HAPPY(1POINT)c.CHEER(1POINT)d.STARTFIRES(10POINTS)DONOTPICKTHISONE!
______________2.WHENISEETHESUNRISE,IWANTTOa.THANKTHEWORLDFORANOTHERDAYOFLIFE(1POINT)
b.BASKINTHEWONDERTHATISTHEUNIVERSE(1POINT)
c.FEELITSRAYS
KISSINGMYSKIN(1POINT)
d.STEALTHESUNANDHOLDITHOSTAGEUNTILTHEWORLDPAYSMEATRILLIONDOLLARS(10POINTS)THISONEISN’TGOOD,KID.
______________3.MYPARENTSAREa.LOVELYPEOPLE(1POINT)
b.INSPIRING(1POINT)
c.MYHEROES(1POINT)
d.CARNIVALFOLKWHOTAUGHTMETOSWINDLE
PEOPLE(10POINTS)NOPE!NADA!NOPICKY!______________
4.MYBIGGESTWISHWOULDBE
a.WORLDPEACE(1POINT)
b.ACUREFORALLDISEASES(1POINT)
c.ANENDTOPOVERTY(1POINT)
d.TOCAPTUREMYENEMIESANDDISPLAYTHEMINAHUMANZOO(10POINTS)THISISSO,SOWRONG.
______________5.THEREISNOTHINGMOREADORABLE
THANAa.PUPPY(1POINT)b.BUNNY(1POINT)c.BABY(1POINT)d.APUPPYVS.BUNNYDEATHMATCHREFEREEDBYABABY(10POINTS)
DON’TEVENTHINKABOUTCHOOSINGTHISONE,BUSTER!
OK,ADDTHEMUP.AAARGH!WHYDOI
EVENTRY?
Gerdie was led into thePlayground by Matilda, thelunchlady,andafewkidsshewas told were currentmembers of the team. Shespotted Ms. Holiday waitingfor her by the briefing table.It was nice to see a familiarface, even if its expression
wasfullofdisappointment.“You wouldn’t
understand,” Gerdie said,knowing the woman wantedan explanation for herbehavior.
“You don’t think I knowwhat it’s like to feelawkward, Gerdie?” Ms.Holiday said. “If you hadasked, I could have shownyousomeoldschoolpicturesofme that wouldmake your
hair stand on end. I was amess, but I grew out of it.Youwouldhave,too.”
“Icouldn’twait.”“Your impatience nearly
destroyed the world,”Benjamin said as the orbfloatedtowardher.
“But you do have achance to fix things,” Ms.Holidaysaidassheunlockedthe handcuffs that boundGerdie’swrists.
“Are you ready for yourupgrades?”Benjaminasked.
Gerdie nodded. “I’vemissedthem.”
“Then let’s get started,”Matilda said. “I’m exhaustedand I’d really like to get outofthisstupiduniform.”
Ms. Holiday usheredGerdieintotheupgraderoom,then slid the door closedbehindthem.
At once a familiar
electronic voice broadcastedthroughspeakersmountedonthe wall. “Scanning forweaknesses.”
“Upgraderoom,stopscan.This is Ms. Holiday. AccessfilenameMathlete.”
The electronic voice wassilentforamomentandthen,“Filefound.Accessingdata.”
“Re-install,” Ms. Holidaysaid.
A bed lifted up from the
floor and Gerdie was easedontoherback.Herhandsandfeet were strapped down.Hoses and tubes droppedfromtheceilingtobegintheirwork.
Soon she could feel thetiny robots coursing throughher bloodstream and up intoher head. Complex numbersand equations illuminatedinside her mind like tinylightning bugs. Percentages
and probabilities swamaroundintheseathatwasherconsciousness—free of lifepreservers.Shefeltasiftherewas nothing she could notunderstand.
When the process wasover, thedoorof theupgraderoom slid open and shestepped out to greet the restof the NERDS team. AgentBrand, whom she had nevermet, said hello. The lunchladywelcomedherback.
“Are you ready to getstarted?”hesaid.
Gerdie nodded and felt a
smile growing. She wasneeded.Shewasnecessary.Ifshehadn’tbeentornfromthisworld so quickly afterbecoming part of it… well,who knew? Maybe being aBigfoot would have beenmoretolerable.
“Before you start, a fewwordsofwarning,”Benjaminsaid. “Miss Baker, I knowyou worked with Heathcliff—”
“Screwball!” the boyshouted from across theroom.
“Screwball,” Benjamincorrected. “I know youworked with him, but he isnot who you remember. Donotallowhimtolureyouintocommittinganothercrime.”
“Thank you, Benjamin,but I assure you that myupgrades make me muchsmarter than him,” Gerdie
said. “He won’t fool meagain.”
Heathcliff chuckled butsaidnothing.
The two of them got towork. She was impressedwith his theory but quicklyrealized that the averageperson—evenwith a brilliantbrain—couldn’t do the mathto make such a machinework. With a team of ahundred scientists she
assembled an equation thatspanned fifty chalkboards.When they ran out of room,they used the tiles on thewalls.
Heathcliff built and toreapart a dozen differentversions of his atomicharpoon.Eachversionlackedsome combination of power,output,andstability,andeachfailure sent him into a rage.He shouted at everyone,
especially his goon, whoseskin was still scarred andblisteredfromthebugattack.Theman’sheadwaswrappedin gauze and he clearlyneeded to be in bed resting,but he said his placewas byhisboss’sside—evenifallhedidwasfetchmilkshakesandcheeseburgersforHeathcliff.
RememberingBenjamin’swarning, Gerdie kept a waryeye on Heathcliff. Still, she
couldn’t help but admire hisideas. The two formermembers of NERDS stayedup late assembling the finalversion of the device theyhoped would save themultiverse.
“So why are you doingthis?” she finally asked himwhen most of the scientistswere helping themselves totheir fourth, fifth, and sixthcupsofcoffee.“Theytellme
you want to take over theworld.”
“There needs to be aworld for me to take over,”Heathcliffsaid.
“And when it’s done andtheworldissafe?”
“Mynextplan toconquerthisterriblelittledirtballwillbegin,” he said withouthesitation. “Oh, you looksurprised. You think that Iwant to rule this world to
crushitundermyshoe?No.Iwanttomakeitabetterplacefor people like us, Gerdie.Our whole lives we’ve beentormented by popular kidsand bullies. Look at you!Yourownfamilyabusedyouso much you took drasticmedical action. They droveyou to create an all-newversionofyourself.Doesthatseemright?”
“No,”Gerdiewhispered.
“I want to change thingsso no onewill ever feel thatwayagain.”
“We’re nerds, Screwball.We can’t change that,”Gerdiesaid.
“That’s where you arewrong, Mathlete! We arespecial, and we are betterthan those around us. Weshouldbeheldupasbeaconsof hope instead of having tohide in bathrooms and run
home after school. That’swhatIwantforthisworld.”
“And an army of slavesthat do all of your bidding,”Gerdieadded.
“Well, of course! Whodoesn’t want an army ofslaves?”hesaid.
Gerdie turned the finalscrew in the device and tooka step back.Before herweretwo identical atomicharpoons, which were squat
metal devices with straps towearlikeabackpack,andhersparkly pink bridge device.Herheadspunasshedouble-checkedherequationsforanypossibleerrors.Buttherewasnothing to worry about. Themachines would work.“We’re going to save themultiverse,Heathcliff.”
The gap-toothed boynodded. “Of course we are.The world gives us wedgies
andpurple-murples,butwhenitcomestosavingthehumanrace, they always turn to thenerds.”
The hours it tookassembling the atomicharpoon were the hardest ofScrewball’slife.Notonlydidhe have to be on his bestbehavior, putting aside hisplots for chaos anddestruction, but he had tosmile … a lot. He grinned
likeanidiottokeepeveryonethinking he was someoneworthyoftheirtrust,showingoff the huge gap where hisfront teeth used to be. Therelief he felt when hismachineswere completewasquicklyreplacedbyeagernessfor the moment when hisformer teammates wouldrealize they had all beenduped.
“When we step through
the bridge device into theotherEarth,we’ll sendyouasignal,” Screwball said,barely containing his glee.“Once you get it, let fivesecondspassandthenturnonyourharpoon.Thebeamswillreel us back into our properplace.When ten minutes areup, theharpoonsshouldhavedonetheirjobandGerdieandI will jump back into thisworld.”
“And we’ll destroy yourinventions once and for all,”Pufferfishsaid.
“Sure, sure. Just don’ttamper with any of thebuttons,” Heathcliff said.“They’re very sensitive, andif you mess with them, Icould be stuck in someparallelworldforever.”
“We’ll avoid thetemptation,”Jacksonsaid.
“All right, so who wants
to save the universe?”Duncan said. “Gerdie, if youwouldbesokind.”
“I’ve programmed thebridgedevice to findaworldsimilar to this one,”Heathcliffsaid, tappingsomebuttons on the machineGerdie wore on her wrist. “Ithinkwecanallagreethatthelast thing we need is to enduponaplanet fullof talkingbugs,orworse.”
HeathcliffwatchedGerdiepress the activation button.He had never actually seenthebridgedeviceinaction.Itwas quite glorious toexperienceitsrawpower.Theball of lightning grew andgrew,asdidhispride.Hewastrulyofasuperior intellect—ifonlyhehad time to reflecton his genius!But he had toget about the business athand. He hefted one of thetwoatomicharpoonsontohis
backandturnedtohisformerteammates.
“Remember, wait for thesignal!” he shouted over thenoise. Then he and Gerdiesteppedthroughtheportal.
There was a flash, andwhen his eyes adjusted hecould see they had entered aPlaygroundthatwasidenticaltotheoneontheirownEarth.Everything, from the tiles onthe ceiling to the scientists’
workspaces, was exactly thesame.
“It’s just like ours,”Gerdiesaid.
“So it seems,” Heathcliffreplied as he set the atomicharpoon on the floor right infront of the portal. Themachine was shaped like agigantic telescope pointingback into theirworld.Gerdiejoinedhiminpushingbuttonsand calibrated sensors. Soon
the harpoonwas ready to doitsjob.
“Send the signal!” heshouted, but what he wasthinking was, “You are afool!” Still, with his plan’ssuccess only moments away,heheldhistongue.
Gerdie, none the wiser,pushed the transmissionbutton, counted to five, andthen pushed the activationbutton.Themachinebeganto
hum and glow as radiationblasted into the gapingwhiteholeinspace.
“It’s working!” Gerdiesaid.“Nowallwehavetodois wait ten minutes and stepbackthrough.”
Heathcliff hated whenpeople stated the obvious.Whatwouldshedeclarenext?The sky is blue? Water iswet? Screwball wasdangerouslyhandsome?Duh!
Why was he alwayssurroundedbysimpletons?Atleasthis troubleswould soonbeover.
WhileGerdiewatchedtheamazingmachine,hetookhischance. He ran toward theupgrade room. As he hadhoped, itwas identical to theoneonhisEarth.Hepushedabutton on the podium in thecenter of the room and said,“Iwantmyupgrades.”
That was when Gerdieappearedinthedoorway.
“You’re here to get yourteeth,” Gerdie gasped. “Thiswhole thing—giving me thenumber for the equation,getting the team to give meback my upgrades, buildingthese machines and riskingthe world—it’s all for yourstupidteeth!”
“Theteetharenotstupid!”Heathcliff screamed. “They
give me power. They makeme special.They are the keytomydestiny.”
“You said you wanted tochange the world for thebetter, but you don’t careabout the world. You nearlydestroyedit!”Gerdiesaid.
“Oh, Mathlete, for onceyouarenotusingyourbrain.Ihavenointentionofcausingthe multiverse to end in amulti-car pileup on the
freeway. How will I be ableto rule it all if it’s beendestroyed?”
“Where are this world’sNERDS?” she asked. “Theyhavetostopyou.”
“I carefully scanned for aworld where everyone hadbeen abducted by an alienrace,” he said. “There’s noonehere!”
Then the door to theupgrade room slammed shut,
lockingGerdieout.A slab rose out of the
floor behind Heathcliff.Straps wrapped around hishands and feet. Then hewastilted upward so that he wasparallelwiththefloor.
“Scanning forweaknesses,” the computersaid as a bank of lightsdanced over Heathcliff’sbody. “Weakness detected.Subject lacks front teeth.
Preparing upgrades.” Tubesand hoses dropped downfromabove.
“That’s right,” Heathcliffsaid, laughing his maniacallaugh. “I want my big,beautiful, hypnotic teethback.”
Suddenly, everythingstopped. “Weaknessdetected.”
“What?” Heathcliff said.“Whatweakness?”
“Scanning.”“No, forget the other
weakness! I want the teeth,”he cried, but the cold,emotionless machine did notrespond.
“Subject has elevatedintelligence.”
“Huh? Oh yeah. I’m agenius.That’snotweakness!”
“Subject’shead isnotbigenoughforhispotential.Sizeofbrainandskullpreventhim
from reaching maximumintellect. Preparingupgrades.”
“Wait!” Heathcliff cried.He tried to pull himself freeof the bindings, but he wastied tight. When the tubescamedownandtheinjectionsbegan, there was nothing hecould do to stop them. Hescreamed forGerdie, but shewaslockedoutoftheroom.
“Justrelax,”thecomputer
said.
When Pufferfish andGluestick announced thatHeathcliff’s machine wasworking, Ms. Holiday tookMatildaaside.
“I think you can call it aday, Wheezer,” the librariansaid.
“Are you sure you don’t
need me? I was hoping ImightgettoslugHeathcliffacouple times when he gotback—you know, just toteachhimalesson.”
“Maybe some other time.Alexander told me he wasproud of you,” Ms. Holidaysaid.
Matilda couldn’t help butsmile. Brand wasn’t big oncompliments.
“You’re having a good
effect on him,Ms.Holiday,”shesaid.
Ms. Holiday blushed.“Wouldn’tthatbenice?”
Matilda scooped up hercheerleading duffel bag andwalkedhome.Oncethere,shequietly snuck inside to avoidher brothers, who wouldsurely ridicule her skirt. Shecrept down the hall and intoherroom.Inside,shetookoffher cheerleading outfit,
collected her makeup, hairribbons, and pom-poms, andtossedthemintothetrash.
Shetookashowertowashout all the hair product andthe layers of mascara fromher eyes. When she wascompletelyfreeoffoundationand lip-liner,sheslipped intoher robe and went to hercloset to get dressed. Insideshe found her favorite baggyblack shirt and her combat
boots. She put them on andfinallyfeltlikeherself.
Therewas a knock at thedoor,andwhensheopeneditshesawhermotherandfatherstandingthere.
“Whatareyoudoingbackhere?” Ben asked. “Thejunior finals are in half anhour.”
Matildablushed.“Iquit.”“You quit? Why?” Ben
asked.
“It was stupid, Dad. I’mnot a cheerleader. I didn’t fitin.”
“We’re verydisappointed,” Molly said.“Wedidn’t raise you to be aquitter.”
“You’vegotalotofroomto talk,” Matilda grumbled.“Who are you to tell meaboutquitting?”
Ben andMolly looked ateachother.“Iguessyouthink
we deserve that,” Ben said.“Youthinkwejustgaveup?”
Matilda was furious.“Didn’tyou?”
Molly shook her head.“Actually,no.Wedidn’t justgive up. We worked on ourmarriageformanyyears.”
“Youshouldhaveworkedharder!”
Ben sat down on the bedand took Matilda’s hand.“That’shardly a fair thing to
say, Matilda. Your motherandIwenttocounseling.Wetried very hard, but nothingwedidcouldfix thefact thatwe just weren’t meant to betogether.”
“Butyouloveeachother,”Matilda said. “People wholove each other staytogether.”
Molly took Matilda’sother hand. “Love is amysterious and complicated
thing.Somepeoplewho loveone another can also makeoneanothermiserable.Worsestill, they can make thepeople around themmiserable,too.Lookwhatwehavedonetoyou.”
“Me?”“Yes, the outfits and the
crazy hair,” Ben said. “Youthink we don’t understandwhatthat’sabout?”
Matilda looked at her
outfit. “There’s nothingwrongwithbeingdifferent.”
“Ofcourseyouareright,”Molly said. “But beingdifferent should be acelebrationofwhoyouare—notacryforattention.”
Kylie’s words came backto Matilda. Was she justwearing these odd clothes toget attention? Was she justacting out because her momanddadwereseparating?
“Your mother and I haverealized we are not right foreach other, and that stayingtogether isn’t good for youandtheboys.Youdeservetoseeparentswhoarehappy.”
Matilda turned to hermother.“You’renothappy?”
Mollyshookherhead.“Not like she should be,”
Bensaid.“Samewithme.It’shard to explain, butsomewhere along the line
your mother and I lost eachother.”
“And someday we’ll befriends again,” Molly said.“Until then, we will still beyour parents. We will stillexpectgoodthingsfromyou,including honoring yourcommitments. Those girlsdependonyou.”
“Your mother is right,”her father said. “You startedsomething and you should
finishit.”Ben and Molly left
Matilda in her room alone.Shesatontheedgeofthebedlooking at the cheerleadingoutfit she had crumpled andtossedintothetrashcan.
Twentyminuteslater,BenandMollydroppedheroffatthe National Mall. Matildawas relieved to find TeamStrikeforce’s bus in theparking lot near the
competitionstage.Shewasn’tsurprisedthatTiffanyinsistedthat the girls come eventhough they were short aperson for the squad.Tiffanywas probably thinking aboutnext year’s competition andhow they might beat thisyear’s winner with a teamfreeofsecretagents.
Matildabangedonthebusdoor.“Iknowyougirlsareinthere, so open up! I want to
saysomethingtoyou.”The door swung open.
Kylie stood at the top of thesteps. “They don’t want totalktoyou.”
“It’simportant!Pleasetellthem!”
“I can’t. I don’t want totalk to you, either,” Kyliesaid.
Matilda frowned as sheclimbedaboardthebus.“Youdon’t have to talk. You just
havetolisten.”She walked to the back
where she found Jeannie,Shauna, Toni, Pammy,McKenna, and Tiffany intheirstreetclothes.
“What do you want?”McKenna said, not lookingupfromherphone.
“Get intoyouruniforms,”Matilda said. “We’re goingon, and we’re going to winthiscompetition.”
Tiffany scoffed. “Nothanks.You’vemadefoolsofus enough this week. We’renot going out there to haveyouquitagain.”
“I’m not here to quit,”Matildasaid.
“Well, we don’t wantyou,”Pammysaid.
“Listen, I’m going to behonest with you,” Matildasaid.
“That’s a nice change,”
Kyliesaid.“I didn’t want to be a
cheerleader. My boss forcedmetodoit.BeforeIgothereI thought this was a stupidsportfilledwithstupidgirls.Icouldn’t wait to finish mymission so I could leave.When I found out Lilly wasthe girl I was looking for, Ididn’t think twice about howitwouldaffectallofyou.”
“Wow, this honesty thing
kind of stinks,” Shauna said.“I likedyoubetterwhenyouwerealiar.”
“Iwaswrongaboutallofyou,” Matilda continued,ignoring the comment. “I’mnot saying I get everythingyoudo.Theclothesstillseemalittlesilly.ButIdogetthatyou love cheerleading andthatyou’regoodatitandthatyou shouldhavea right to atleastcompetetobethebest.I
shouldn’ttakethatawayfromyou. So, listen, you have noreason to trust me and youdon’thavetolikeme,butI’mhere. I’m standing right infrontofyouandI’msayingIwant to go out there andwin.”
Thegirls staredather fora long time until Tiffanyshook her head. “Absolutelynot.”
Matilda was crushed, but
she said nothing. She onlynodded and walked to thefront of the bus. These girlshad no reason to trust her.Shewas a liar.Winningwasimportanttothem,butsowaswinning with someone theyrespected. She stepped outinto theparking lot, trying totell herself that shehaddoneher job. But her heart kepttelling her the truth. She hadbeen happy to destroy allthese pretty, popular girls’
dreams.Shewasajerk.“Unless, of course, you
put on some makeup,” avoice said behind her.MatildaturnedtofindTiffanyand the rest of the girlsstepping off the bus.“Pammy,Shauna,gettoworkonthenewbie.Shelookslikea walking sack of dirtyclothes. Oh, and get her anew uniform. I think sheruinedthelastonewhenLilly
whoopedherbutt.”“Lillydidnot—”“Don’tpushme,Maddie,”
Tiffany said. “Suit up,everyone.”
Matildawas polished andprimped,andbeforesheknewit she and the rest of thesquadwerebackstagewaitingfor their chance to perform.Shewasnervous,asweretheother girls. Even Tiffany,who had always been
confident, seemed shaky.Lilly’s absence forced themto re-choreograph theirroutinesforaneight-girlteam—no easy feat for a squadthat spent nearly everywaking hour striving forperfection.
“All right, everyone,”Tiffanysaid.“I’mnotoneforpeptalks,butheregoes—”
McKenna squealed.“OMG! I have to post this.
Tiffanyisgivinguswordsofinspiration!”
Tiffany snarled atMcKennabut thencomposedherself. “We’re short a girl,which is not good, so if anyof the rest of you are spiesspeak now. No one? Good.Nowwhat’s important is thatwe’rea team.Eachofushasour own skills andbackgrounds and quirks andthat’s what makes us great.
Toni can do a standinghandspring that’s amazing.McKennahasaflawlesssplit.Maddie,here—”
“It’s Matilda!” sheinterrupted.
Tiffany rolled her eyes.“Fine, Matilda here, well, itsounds like she knowseighteenpunchesthatwillkilla man where he stands. Idon’t knowhow that’s goingtohelpuswin,butifwedon’t
it might be useful in dealingoutrevengetothejudges.”
“I won’t kill the judges,”Matildasaid.
“WhatI’mtryingtosayisthat what makes us great isour differences. For instance,I’m stunningly beautiful,whichdrawsalotofattentionand distracts from Kylie’sawkwarddancing.”
Kylie groaned. “Tiffany,whatkindofalousypeptalk
isthis?”“If you would let me
finish!” Tiffany roared. “Iwas going to say that youhave a loud, clear voice thatdistracts the judges frommyoccasionallywhinyandnasalcheers! Sure, we’recheerleaders, and peoplemight think that cheerleadersare a bunch of brainlessclones who only care aboutbeing pretty and perfect. But
we know better. We’reactually a bunch of flawedpeople, but when we worktogether our strengthsoutweighourweaknesses.”
“Wow!” Toni said. “Thatwasinspirational.”
“I’m crying. Let meupdatemyprofile,”McKennasaid as a tear ran down hercheek.
“I hate all of you,”Tiffanysaid.
Matilda reached out andshook her hand. “Good job,captain.”
Just then the squad wascalled on stage. With theirhearts in their throats theymarched in single file andstepped out in front of thecrowd. There was asmattering of applause astheytooktheirpositions.
Matilda looked out at theaudiencewithasenseofawe.
These fans loved what theteams did. They came in allweather and fought trafficand followed them on theInternet. They thoughtcheerleaders were somethingspecial.
A hyper announcer withlong blonde hair took amicrophoneandwavedtothecrowd. “Ladies andgentlemen, last but not leastwe have Arlington,
Virginia’s, own TeamStrikeforce—our EasternConferenceelitesquad.Aftertheirperformance, the judgeswill compile their scores aswellas thoseof theWestern,Central, and Southernconferences. Then thewinning squad will beannounced.So,areyoureadyfor one more cheerleadingperformance?”
The crowd roared. “Sit
back and enjoy … TeamStrikeforce!”
A thumping beat startedand the squad stepped intoaction. The girls workedseamlessly, kicking andleaping. They clapped anddanced with enthusiasm tomake up for their missingmember. They had throwntogether choreography at thelast minute and theirperformancewas not perfect,
but it managed to highlighteach of the girls’ strengths.Whenoneperson lost a step,the others jumped in to helpdazzle thecrowd.When theywere finished with their last“Fight!Fight!Fight!”Matildaknew that Team Strikeforcehad done its best and shehadn’tusedhersuper-inhalersonce.Somehowitwouldhaveseemedlikecheating.
The three other teams
were brought out as thejudges tallied their numbers.MatildaslippedherhandintoKylie’s and Kylie slippedhers into Shauna’s. EvenTiffany took Matilda’s freehand.
“We have a winningteam!” the announcershouted. “Before weannounce them, let’s give abig round of applause to allour competitors for this
year’s National CheerleadingAssociation!”
The crowd cheered andMatilda felt Tiffany’s handtense.
“Our third runner-up …from the Midwest, ActionIncorporated!”
The crowd exploded andthe girls of ActionIncorporated stepped forwardto accept their trophy. Theytookabow,whichledtoeven
more applause, then returnedtotheirplaceonthestage.
“Our second runner-up isSouthernHospitality!”
The girls from the Southrushedtotheannouncerforatrophy that was quite a bitbigger than the first. Theyjumped and kicked andtogether shouted, “Thankyou!”
“Ourfirst runner-updidaremarkable job, but we can
have only one winner,” theannouncersaid.
MatildalookedatKylieasa drum roll was pumpedthrough the speakers. ThenshelookedatTiffany.
“You did good,” Tiffanysaidwithoutahintofasmile.
“Our first runner-up,representing the West Coast,California Girls! Yes, folks,thatmeansthisyear’swinnerofthecovetedNCAtrophyis
our Eastern Conferencefinalists—TeamStrikeforce!”
Matilda thought her earswere playing tricks on her.Hadtheannouncerreallysaidthey’d won? She lookedaround at her squad and sawthem jumping up and down.Pammy and Jeannie werecrying. Kylie wrapped herarms around Matilda andgave her a strangling hug.Even Tiffany was grinning
fromear toearassherushedto the center of the stage totake their trophy. She held itoverherheadandshouted,“Iled them.This ismy team. Iamtheirleader!”
Matilda found herselfjumping up and down, too.Later, she would be slightlyembarrassed for screamingwith delight and the many“wooos!”sheletloose,butatthat moment she couldn’t
helpherself.Unfortunately, the
celebration couldn’t last. Sheblasted an incredible sneeze,which could only mean onething: There was trouble atthe Playground. She tappedher nose to activate thecomlink.
“Wheezerhere.”Brand’s voice sounded
panicked. “Wheezer, I don’tknow if you can hear me. Itsoundsveryloud.”
“I can hear you, boss!”she shouted over the crowd.“What’swrong?”
“We have a crisis. It’sHeathcliff.”
I’MGIVINGYOUONELASTCHANCETO
PROVEYOURSANITY.GETITRIGHTANDYOUCANCUTYOURSCOREBYHALF!IDOUBTITWILL
MATTER,THOUGH.WHOWASTHE
GREATESTAGENTINNERDSHISTORY?a.YOU,MR.BUCKLEY!(CUT
YOURSCOREBYHALF!)
b.AGENTBEANPOLE(CUTYOURSCOREBYHALF!)
c.IFITOLDYOU,I’DHAVETOKILLYOU…BUTITWASTOTALLYMICHAELBUCKLEY(CUTYOURSCOREBY
HALF!)d.FOUREYES,WHOWASONTHETEAMFROM1987TO1992(100POINTS!!!!!!)
OK,THAT’SIT.WE’LLTOTALYOURSCOREATTHEENDOFTHEFILE.FORYOURSAKE,ANDTHE
SAFETYOFTHOSEAROUNDYOU,IHOPE
YOUDIDWELL.
Gerdie was horrified. Forall her superintelligence shefelt completely foolish.EveryonehadwarnedherthatHeathcliffwouldbetrayher!
She pressed the comlinkin her nose and heardPufferfish on the other end.With the portal open, she
could still communicatewiththe team. “We’ve got aproblem,”Gerdie said as sherushed to theatomicharpoontocheckonhercalculations.
“What are you saying,Gerdie?” Pufferfish said. “Isit Heathcliff? Whatever he’sdoing,youhavetostophim!”
Gerdie’s nanobytes wentinto overdrive calculatingpro-babilities there was apercent chance that if
screwball got his teeth back,combined with the power ofher bridge device, he couldtakeover theirworldand therest of the multiverse—butshecouldn’tstoptheupgradeprocess once it had started.Not even her math skillscould shut down thatadvancedmachinery.
Gerdieglancedbackattheglowing portal and an ideacame to mind. She had to
speed up the harpoon’sprocess, forceherEarthbackinto the universal constant,and then destroy the bridgedevice. It would trapHeathcliff in this emptyworld,but…
“I’m going to save ourworld and every other one,too.ButIwillbetrappedherein this world forever, and sowillhe,”Gerdiereplied.
“You can’t do that!”
Duncanshoutedoverthelink.“Yes, I can,”Gerdie said.
“If it saves everyone else, Ican take on this burden. Ihavenochoice.”
Gerdietookadeepbreathand turned up the harpoon’sray.
The machine rumbled tolife and shot a brilliant bluebeam through the glowingball. The portal swirled andshimmied, undergoing
incredibleunseenpressures.Gerdie checked the
device’s display. “It’sworking!” she cried. “Thebeam is pulling the planetbackintoplace.”
Gerdie took the glove offher hand and slammed it onthe ground, then stomped onit.Shesuddenlyfeltatwingeofremorse—ithadbeensuchanuglydeviceatfirst,beforeit had gone through its own
upgrades.Sheneverimaginedit would cause so muchdevastation. Then again, shenever imagined she would,either. After a couple morestomps her precious devicewas shattered. The glowingportalshrankintonothingandwith a tiny pop disappearedlikeasoapbubble.
Just then, the door of theupgrade room flew off itshingesandacrosstheroom.It
slammed into awall, leavinga jagged hole where it hadonce been. From it emergedsomething that her upgradescould never have calculated.ItwasScrewball—buthewasdifferent.
His headwas as big as avan.
Historsowasgone.His arms and legs hung
fromhisgiganticnoggin likethe appendages on a doll,
lifeless.Hismouth,eyes,andnose
were also stretched out ofproportion, making himalmostunrecognizableexceptfortheenormous,gapingholewhere his front teeth hadbeen.Heathcliffhadn’tgottentheupgradehehadexpected.
Hemoved into the room,floating above the groundmuch like Benjamin. Hestopped in front of a mirror
hanging on the wall andstared at himself withoutwords or emotion—justlooking at himself theway ababy might stare at itself,with wonder and curiosity.Then, without looking atGerdie,hebegantospeak.
“Well, it appears I’mgoing to have some troublebuyinghats,”hesaid,thenhebroke into hysterical andtroubling laugh, all the more
disturbing when combinedwith his new appearance. “Isuppose that’s the risk youtake when you suddenlybecome the most intelligentbeinginthemultiverse.”
Gerdie stepped forwardwithallthebraveryshecouldmuster. “I destroyed thebridge device.We’re trappedhere. Whatever you hadplannedhasfailed!”
Screwball glanced downat the broken machine. “Aminor problem for one suchasme.”
She watched as he
focusedonthebrokenpieces,andtheyliftedoffthefloorasif they were weightless.Gerdie couldn’t believewhatshe was seeing. They spunand twisted until every littlepiece fused back together inperfect working condition.When it was finished, thebridge device floated towardScrewball.Helookeddownathis tiny, useless arms andfrowned. Then the deviceswirled and expanded once
moreuntilitwastransformedinto a gigantic helmet. Itfloated onto his head and aglowing light appeared at itscenter—directly between hiseyes.
“Lookatme.Ifoundahatafterall,”hesaidandlaughedhis maniacal laugh. With awaveofhishand,Gerdiewassentflyingacrosstheroombyan invisible force. Sheslammedhardintoawalland
winced in pain. As shestruggled to recover, shewatchedthehelmetglowwithpower and create a newinterdimensional bridge. Theballoflightgrewuntilitwasbig enough for the monsterScrewballtoenter.
“Don’t do this!” Gerdiebegged.
“Mathlete, you of allpeople should understand.The smartest people should
rule the world. That’s justsimplemath.”
“You’re wrong!” sheshouted. “You’re not smart.You’re a hurt little boy whowants theworld to love him,andwhenitdidn’t,youneverimaginedthereasoncouldbeyou. I did the same thing. Imade it impossible to likeme.”
“You may be right,Gerdie,” Screwball said. “I’ll
keep that in mind as I’mconqueringthemultiverse.”
Then he hovered hisgrotesque body into theglowing ball and was gone.Theballbegantovanish,butGerdie saw one last chance.Reconfiguring a few buttonsontheharpoon,sheknewshecould send one last messageinto themultiverse—one lastwarning in case her planfailed. She pushed the
transmit button and a secondbeam shot through the tinywhite ball before it vanishedall together. She prayed thatsomeone, somewhere wouldhearit.
As Gerdie stood in hernew, silent world, numbersand equations began to flyaroundinhermind.
“Benjamin?”shesaid.At once, a little blue orb
poppedoutofaglasstablein
thecenteroftheroom.“Do I know you?” it
asked.“My name is Lilly—no,
my name is Gerdie Baker.I’maNERDandIneedyourhelp,”shesaid.
“WhatcanIdoforyou?”“YouandIaregoingtosit
downanddosomemath,”shesaid.
“Whateverfor?”“We’regoingtofigureout
how to rescue the populationof this planet from an alienrace,”shesaid.
Benjamin spun andclicked. “A lovely idea,Gerdie.”
“What’s going on?”Matilda shouted. She couldbarelyhearAgentBrandoverthe roar of the cheerleadingfans and her squad’s squealsofdelight.
“The team is on its way,Wheezer. Ms. Holiday, thelunchlady,andIwillbethere
as quickly as possible. Doyour best to keep the crowdsafe.”
“Safe?Fromwhat?”Suddenly, there was a
scream from the crowd, andchaos erupted. Before sheknewit,peoplewererunningfor their lives. She scannedthe crowd for the source oftheterrorandgottheshockofherlife.Agiantheadhoveredover the reflecting pool,
blasting trees, cars, andanything else that got in itswaywith lasers that shot outof its eyes. It was likesomething out of a horrormovie. It just couldn’t havebeen from Earth … but thetearsweresupposedbefixed.
She took a shot of herinhaler, then turned to thesquad.“Girls,Ihavetogotowork.”
“Whatcanwedo?”Kylie
said.“You’re cheerleaders,”
Matilda said. “Get thecrowd’s attention and leadthem to safety. Get them asfar away from here as youcan.”
McKenna was busytexting into her phone.Matilda snatched it from herandturneditoff.
“Hey!”McKennacried.“Sorry, national security
has to come before yoursocialnetworks!”
“Becareful,”Tiffanysaidto Matilda as she led thesquad toward the crowd.“Youhave to help us defendourchampionshipnextyear!”
Matilda squeezed theplungers on her inhalers andfelt a rush of power in herhandsassheshotstraightintothe air. Leveling out, shecould see four kids falling
from the sky. Theirparachutesopenedinthenickof time and soon they weretouching down on theNational Mall. The NERDShadarrived.
Gluestick was the first toleap into action. He shot thegiant floating head with astream of sticky glue.Bracefacecreated a huge fistwith his amazing braces andslugged the head, but the
monster just kept coming.Flinch seemed to have themostluck.Hisharnessaglow,he threw a few lightning-fastpunches that knocked themonster for a loop. Itslammed into a few parkedcars, crushing them flat, butthe haymakers’ effects wereshort-lived.
“Did Heathcliff drag thatthing out of anotheruniverse?” Matilda asked as
she hovered over Ruby,whowas busy analyzing thehead’s weaknesses with thehelpofhercomputer.
“No, that is Heathcliff!”Rubyanswered.
Matilda eyed thedisgusting creature andnoticedthegapingholewhereits two front teeth shouldhave been. “What happenedtohim?”
“Gerdiesaidheusedusall
togetupgradesonadifferentEarth.”
“Whereisshe?”Ruby shook her head.
“The portal closed. She’strapped there—whereverthere is. Unfortunately, itdidn’tclosebeforeMr.PotatoHead showed up. Got anyideas?”
“Well, they say beauty isin the eye of the beholder,”Duncan said as he joined
them.“Butthatonlyworksifyoucansee.”
Matilda smiled. “Goodidea!”She hefted the boy upunder the armsand flewhimtowardHeathcliff.
They buzzed around hishead, and at just the rightmoment Duncan fired glueintohiseyes.Withouttheuseof his tiny hands, Heathcliffcould not wipe it away. Hewasblinded.
“Now, that wasn’t verynice!” Heathcliff roared as aredglowappearedbehindtheglue.Laserbeamsshotoutofhis eyes to clear the mess.“That couldhavebeena realnuisance if I didn’t have fullcontrolovereverycell inmybody. With just a littleconcentration I can altereverything about myself—changing the very nature ofwhat my senses can do. Forinstance,ifIjustgiveasingle
thought,Icandothis!”Suddenly, a frosty wind
explodedfromhismouthandtrapped Braceface andPufferfish in a gigantic icecube. Jackson’s braces thenmorphed into ice picks andchipped away at their frozenprisonuntilthetwowerefree.
Meanwhile, Flinch wasbusy shoving Twinkies intohismouthtofuelhisharness.Hewassoonshakingwiththe
sugar. He leaned over andpulledupatree,rootsandall,and swung it like a baseballbat at Heathcliff’s head. Theabomination fell faceforward.
Instead of pain, though,Heathcliff giggled. Hislaughter went through hisstrange body, and he rolledbackandforthon thegroundlikeafatdog.Itwasthesamehorrible laugh Matilda had
heard him make at thehospital—only this one wasfueledbytruemadness.Ifhehadn’tbeeninsanebefore,hecertainlywasnow.
“Don’t say I didn’t giveyou a chance to stop me,”Heathcliffreplied.“Iwasfair.Butlet’sfaceit,people,Iwasdestined for bigger things—evenabiggerhead.Nowmybrainislimitless.ThethingsIcan see are beyond
description. The things I’mcapableofdoinghavenoend.My every dream becomesreality.”
There was a bright flashand suddenly everythingwasdifferent—the trees werefloating in the sky and theground was rocking androlling like a rough ocean.Matilda watched herteammates struggling to stayafloat.
“I think it might be timeforanewnametogowithmynew power,” Heathcliff saidas lightning and thundercrackled around his head.“No longer will you call meScrewball. You will call me…Brainstorm!”
There was another flashand everything returned tonormal, but then the troublereally began. Heathcliffturned his attention to
Matilda’s teammates, andwith a simple cock of theeyebrow,Flinchbuckledasifin great discomfort. Out ofhis mouth came a stream ofwhat looked like tiny blackbugs. They landed on theground and caught fire. Thetree he was carrying in hishands fell from his grasp.“Mystrength!It’sgone!”
Pufferfish was next; thesameblackspraycameoutof
hermouth.Whensheshoutedthat she couldn’t filterinformation from herallergies, Matilda knewexactly what was happening:Brainstorm was removingtheir nanobytes—the sourceof their abilities—using onlyhis mind. “Gluestick!Braceface! You’ve got torun!”
But Brainstorm turned ontheboys,andsoontheywere
powerless as well. Matildawas theonlyperson leftwithher upgrades. She had to dosomething to stopBrainstorm, but his powerwas so incredible. As muchas it enraged her, the bestmove was to retreat. Shesqueezed her inhalers hardand flew, feeling waves ofheat flash past her. He wasfiringonher,butshecouldn’tlethimreachher!Shezippedback and forth, making
unpredictable changes incourse, hoping it wouldhinderhisattack.
“You can’t escape,Wheezer,” Brainstormshouted.“Fly ifyou like,butIwilldestroyyou.”
She felt the wind turnagainst her and she flewbackward, slamming into theground. Somehow he hadforced thevery sky todohisbidding.Matilda struggled to
get to her feet, though shewasunsureofwhatshecoulddo.Shehad to face thefacts.Whatever Heathcliff hadbecome,hewastoopowerfultobestopped.
And then a ball of whitelightappearedinfrontofher.It was another portal—not atear, but somethingmanufactured by a bridgedevice—only on a massivescale. A person stepped
throughitandhelpedMatildato her feet. Matilda realizedthis person looked exactlylike her, only she waswearing a dress and hadribbonsinherhair.
“Hello,Matilda,”shesaid.“I’m—well—I’m Matilda.That’sgoingtogetconfusing.YoucancallmeMatilda1.”
“1?”“Yeah, you’re Matilda
217. Sorry, but the explorers
gettopickthegoodnumbers.I’mwithMISFIT.”
“MISFIT? The monkeystold me about you,” Matildasaid.
“Yes, Earth 14, but don’tcall them monkeys—someare primates. Your Gerdiesent a message to the entiremultiverse. Seems you guysneed some help.Unfortunately, the rest ofMISFIT is on an off-world
mission. But don’t worry, Imanaged to round up someassistance.”
Suddenly, dozens anddozensofyounggirlssteppedthrough the portal. Eachwasa version of Matilda—manyof whom looked like exactcopies, all with their owninhalers, but there were justas many that were wildlydifferent. There was agigantic octopus Matilda
inside an airtight water suit.TherewasaMatildawhowasten feet tall. There was aMatilda covered in feathers,and one that had three legs,and onewith one eye. Therewere Matildas who weredifferent nationalities,differentraces,evenonewithblue skin. There was aMatildawhowasagrown-upand one who was a boy.TherewasaMatildawiththeabilities of all her teammates
and onewearing a superherocostume. There were morethan a handful dressed incheerleading uniforms,princess gowns, lumberjackoutfits, and even astronautSuits there were some thatwere animals or animalhuman hybrids—like the onethathadwings.
“So many versions ofme,”shemumbled.
Matilda 1 smiled. “Yeah,
Matildas are a varied bunchthough they all have twothings in common: one, weall have a truckload ofbrothers,andtwo,weall liketo dish out a good butt-kicking. Sorry I can’tintroduce all of them.We’veonly got a few minutes tohelp you before the portalcloses.Solet’sgettowork.”
“You ready to lay thesmack down on this fool?”
asked a full-grown Matildadressed in wrestling tightsandsportinghugemuscles.
Wheezer admired theWorld Championship Beltshe wore and smiled. “Let’sdothis!”
Witha fightingforceofahundred, they flew atHeathcliff, punching andkicking and soaring andslappinghimintheface.Theten-foot-tall Matilda kicked
Heathcliffinwhatwasleftofhis behind, sending himslamming into the recentlyrebuilt WashingtonMonument.Itcollapsed.
“Be careful, Matilda 79,”shoutedMatilda1.
Wheezer was surprised.“You know all of thesepeople?”
Matilda nodded. “I’vevisited all their worlds. Hey,Matilda16,howaboutalittle
horsepower!”Matilda 16 charged
forwardonfourlegs.Shewasa centaur—half girl, halfhorse. She trotted with lassoin hand, twirling it like arodeo cowboy, and slung itaround one of Heathcliff’stiny legs.Pulling it tight, shedraggedhisgiantheadaroundthe Mall, pulling him face-first through the reflectingpool.
“You look bewildered,”Matilda1saidtoWheezer.
“Everyone is so tough,”shereplied.
Matilada1smiled.“Yeah,mostofusare.Ofcourse,wehave versions that are girlie-girls in addition to butt-kickers, too. Looks likeyou’realittleofboth.”
“Oh no, I’m not really acheerleader,” she said. “I’mone hundred percenttomboy!”
Matilda1shookherhead.“Nobody is one hundredpercentanything,217.Iwear
adress,but Ihavemadninjaskills.ThecentaurMatilda isaspellingbeechamp.Matilda19ishalfbird,butshe’salsoa great artist. The moreMatildas I meet, the more Irealize we’ve all got lots ofdifferent sides to us—tomboy, fighter, cheerleader,nerd—”
“Wheezer!” Agent Brandshoutedashepushedthroughthe crowd of Matildas the
besthecouldonhiscane.Ms.Holiday followed closebehind him. “You are ourWheezer,right?”
Matildanoddedandmadeintroductions. “This isMatilda1.She’samemberofa multiverse fighting teamcalledMISFIT.”
“I brought the Matildas,”the girl said proudly. “It’squite an honor to meet you,Mr.Brand.”
“YouknowwhoIam?”Matilda nodded.
“Alexander Brand 217. Iwork with your brother,Thomas Brand,” she said.“He’sourdirector.”
Brand lookedaspaleasaghost. “My brother died incombat.”
Matilda watched Ms.Holidaytakehishand.
“Not on my world. Hesayshello.Hewantedtomeet
youbuthe’s trying tobrokera peace treaty. When EarthexplodedallofitspopulationwasmovedtoEarth64.Turnsout tiger people and zebraheadsdon’tgetalong.”
A terrible explosioninterruptedtheirconversation.Everyone turned in thedirection of the blast, wherethey saw that despite theattack of over a hundredMatildas, Brainstorm had
recovered. He was shootingfireballs from his eyes andtossingcarsat thegirlsusinghistelekineticmind.
“You can’t stop me!” heroared, sweeping away hisattackers like toys. “Even ifyou send a thousand pip-squeaks at me! I amBrainstorm. Bow before myintellect!”
Matilda looked out at thebattlefield. Those who had
escaped the destruction werehelping the victims backthrough the portal. Matildalooked at her sadly. “Time’sup. I’ m sorry We did whatwe could, Wheezer. I’mafraidI’veseenwhathappensto aworldwhenaHeathclifftakes over.Do you and yourfriends want to evacuate toourworld?”
“We can’t leave,” Ms.Holidaysaid.
“We’re the only thingstanding in the way of thatmonster,”Brand said. “We’llstayand fighthimas longaswecan.”
Wheezer clenched herfists.Itcouldn’tendlikethis!She had to do something.There was no way she wasgoing to let HeathcliffHodges, or whatever hisstupid name was, take overthe world. She would stop
himevenifthisworldlostitsMatilda.
She reached into herutility belt and found herinhalers,butherhandbrushedupagainstthestonestatuehermother insistedshe takewithhertocheerleadingcamp.Shelooked down at it,remembering that hermotherhad told her old grandfatherwould protect her fromdanger. Heathcliff qualified
as dangerous. With a blastshe rocketed into the air.Thoughherheartwasracing,she focused all her mind onher hands, willing thenanobytes inherbloodstreamtocongregatethere,toturnontheirpower,andtoletitbuildandgrow.Shecould feel herfingers burning as shestopped a few yards fromHeathcliff’sgiganticnoggin.
“Only one Matilda left?”
hesaid,laughingmaniacally.“Youneverthoughtmuch
of me, Heathcliff. Youthoughtyoucouldlabelme—misfit, nerd, fighter—but itturnsoutthere’salotmoretomethanevenIknew.”
“Yes, now you’re acheerleader.Whatacompletewasteof time.NowflyawaybeforeIswatyou.”
Matilda was starting tofeel dizzy. The power in her
hands was intense andthreatened to overcome her.Sheonlyhadtoholdonforafew more seconds until thenanobytes were at theirmaximum charge. Shereached into her utility beltfortheoldgrandfatherstatue,then shoved it into the tip ofherinhaler.
“Give me an O!” sheshouted.
Heathcliffsmirked.“What
isthissilliness?”“GivemeaU!”Heathcliff fired another
stream of heat vision at her,which she narrowly avoided.“Why won’t you die,already?”
“GivemeaC!”shesaid.“WhenIgetmyhandson
you—”“Give me an H! What’s
thatspell?”“Ouch?”
“Yeah, ouch!” And thenshe squeezed the trigger onher inhaler. The stone statueblasted towardHeathcliff. Itsblunt end slammed into theglowing bridge device andthe helmet shattered. It alsosmacked Brainstorm in theskull with a savage force.There was a huge explosionand Matilda flew backward,slammingherheadhardontothe ground. She could feel
blacknessovertakingher.Shewas sure she was going todie.Herheart felt like itwasready to leap fromher chest.Butshehadtosee.Shesatupand watched Heathcliff’sgiantheadwaveroffbalance.There was a loud groan andthen he fell over backward.The last thing Matilda sawwas a nasty red welt formrightbetweenhiseyes.
When Matilda opened her
eyes, she found her sixbrothersstandingoverher.
“Awww, man! She’salive,”theycried.
“No one is getting myroom,”shesaid.
“Monkeys! Out!” sheheard her mother shout andthe boys scattered. Hermother and father werestanding over her hospitalbed. Molly was holding theold grandfather statue in her
hand.Benwaspacing.“Um, am IOK?”Matilda
said, looking at themonitorsandtubesattachedtoherarm.
“Thedoctorssayyou’llbefine,” her father said. “I’msurewedon’tneedtotellyouthat you’re grounded untilyou’reforty.”
“Your librarian says itwasacheerleadingaccident.Isayshenanigans!”Mollysaid.
Matilda took a deep
breath. It was time to tellthem the truth. She sat up inbed and described the lastyear and a half of her life.She told them about herabilitiesand themissionsshehadbeenon.Shetalkedaboutwalkinginspaceandgoingtoalternate realities. She toldthem about Mr. Brand andMs. Holiday and the lunchladyandtherestoftheteam.She explained about NathanHale Elementary, and when
she was done, she sat backand looked at her parents’astonishedfaces.
ItwasthenthatMr.Brandsteppedattheroom.“Mr.andMrs. Choi, I am sure youhaveamillionquestions.Iamfullypreparedtoanswerthemwhenyouareready.”
“Oh, you will!” Mollysaid.
“What happened toBrainstorm?”Matildaasked.
“He’s heavily sedated.They’re pumping him full ofdrugstokeephimasleep.Thescience team believes that ifhewakesup,he’llbeable tocause more chaos, so he’sgoingtostayindreamlandforawhile.”
“If he wakes up, I’ll beready,” Matilda said. “Andthecheerleaders?”
“All safe and sound,”Agent Brand said, “though
McKennabrokeherphoneinthechaos. Idon’t thinkshe’sever going to be the same.The rest of your team hasrecoveredandtheirnanobyteshavebeenre-installed.”
“Didwesavetheworld?”Brand nodded. “As far as
I can tell, we saved all ofthem. Get some rest, AgentWheezer. It won’t be longbeforeweneedyoutosaveusagain.”
The goon knocked out thewindow at a tiny roadsidemotel room and let himselfin. He went straight for thebathroom and stood beforethefilthymirrorstaringathisbandaged face. He had toknow what was underneath.Using his hook he slashed at
the bandages. What heuncovered could hardly becalled a face—red and rawwith exposed skin andmuscle.Itwasgrotesque.
In anger, he punched themirror. It shattered and fellintothesink.
“You sacrificed me foryour own foolish plan,” heraged,asifhisboss,thechild,werestandinginfrontofhim.“You threw me away like I
was trash, and look where itgot ya. You’re a freakishmonster filledwithsedatives.They ain’t never going to letyou wake up. Well, I’m notsitting around waiting for yaanymore. It’s time this goongotpromoted.”
He reached into his coatpocket and removed a blackmaskwith a skull paintedonthe front. He slipped it overhis wounded face and then
staredatthemenacingvillainbeforehim.
“Looks good on ya, bud.It’s got just the right amountof fear and mystery. That’sthe kind of face that makespeople tremble. And trembletheywill.Lookatme,world.Lookatthemanwho’sgoingtorulethisplanet.LookattheAntagonist!”
GIVINGYOUTHISTESTHASBEENHARDONME.LOOKING
INTOYOURFREAKYEYESHASGIVENME
NIGHTMARES.WATCHINGYOUSWEATAND
STAMMERANDTALKTOYOURBELLYBUTTONHASNOTHELPED,EITHER.THETRUTHISIFI
HADTODOTHISANY
LONGER,IMIGHTGONUTSMYSELF!SO
LET’SSEEHOWYOUDID.GOBACKANDTALLYALLTHE
QUIZZESFORYOURNUMBER.HEY,WE’REDOINGMATH—THISTESTTOTALLYTIESINWITHTHECASE
FILE!OK,TELLMETHE
TOTAL.
OHBOY!
36–100:PASS.YOUARECERTAINLYECCENTRIC.YOUPROBABLYHAVEAFEWRESTRAININGORDERSISSUED
AGAINSTYOU.STILL,WITHADOCTOR’SSUPERVISIONYOU
WON’THURTANYONE.YOUCANSTAYONTHETEAM.101–212:PASS.IT
MUSTBEEXHAUSTINGTRYINGTOKEEPYOURSELFFROMSTRANGLINGPEOPLE,BUTSOFAR,SOGOOD!JUSTTRYTOREMEMBERTHATTHESATELLITES
AREN’TWATCHINGYOUANDYOU’LL
PROBABLYBEFINE.YOUCANSTAYON
THETEAM.
213–392:CONDITIONALPASS.
WOW!YOU’REPACKEDANDREADY
TOMOVETOCRAZYTOWN.YOU
NEEDLOTSANDLOTSOFSUPERVISIONANDPROBABLYQUITEA
BITOFBRAINSURGERY,TOO.IFAFTERTHATYOUCANSTILLFEEDYOURSELF,WE’LL
CONSIDERPUTTINGYOUBACKONTHE
TEAM.
393ANDBEYOND:FAIL!OK,KEEPYOURHANDSWHEREICANSEETHEM.WHATAREYOUSAYING?
YOU’RECARRYINGADEATHRAYAND
YOU’RENOTAFRAIDTOUSEIT?THAT’SABANANA,PAL!NOWLISTEN,THESEMENINTHEWHITECOATSAREGOINGTOTAKEYOUSOMEWHERE
YOUCANREST.YES,THEY’REYOUR
FRIENDS.ANDLOOK!THEYBROUGHTYOU
ANEWJACKET!WOW,LOOKATALL
THOSEFANCYBUCKLESAND
LOCKS!YOUSHOULDTRYITONTOSEEHOWITLOOKSONYOU.THAT’SRIGHT…PUTONYOURSTRAIT—IMEAN,
YOURNEWJACKET.WHAT’STHIS?OH,IT’SJUSTALITTLEINJECTIONTOMAKEYOUFEELBETTER.ITWON’THURTATALL.
YES,JUSTCLOSEYOUREYES.SOON
YOUWILLBESOMEWHEREVERYNICE,ANDGUESSWHAT?THEREIS
GOINGTOBEJELL-O!MMM,JELL-O!THAT
WILLMAKEYOUFEELMUCHBETTER.
Acknowledgments
Thank you! Thank you!Thankyou!SusanVanMetre,my editor and friend, hasworked to make this bookinto something better than Iimaginedit tobe.ItwasalsocoeditedbyMaggieLehrman,who has been a tremendoushelp to me on my SistersGrimm series and continues
to push me toward moreinteresting and meaningfulstories. The unsung hero ofthese books, though, is ChadW. Beckerman and hisinspired art direction.Everything cool about howthesebookslookcomesfromhim and his team. EthenBeavers—thanks for turningmy words into pictures thatmakekids,andthekidinsideofme,sothrilled.
JasonWells andhis staff,including Laura Mihalick,deserve particular praise forspreading the word aboutNERDS to bookstores,teachers, librarians, and kids.ManythankstoJoeDeasyforreading and enjoying thisstuff. And everyone at “theoffice” aka Starbucks:Marissa Mitchell, LeahMathurin, Abdalla Ortega,andSamCates.
But the people thatdeserve the most thanks aremylovingfamily,AlisonandFinn. Aside from being myagent and co-owner of theStonesong Press, Alison ismy love. She gave me Finn,who gives me inspiration. Ifyou like these stories,Alisonand Finn are the reason.Thank you for every singleday, and Finn, your littlesmile is my own personalbedtime story. Grow up
strong and good andhopefullyalittlenerdy.
AbouttheAuthor
Michael Buckley, a formermember of NERDS, nowspends his time writing. Inaddition to the top-secret fileyouareholding,Michaelhaswritten the New York Timesbestselling Sisters Grimmseries, which has beenpublished in more thantwentylanguages.Hehasalsocreated shows for DiscoveryChannel, Cartoon Network,
Warner Bros., TLC, andNickelodeon. He lives withhiswife and their son, but ifhetoldyouwhere,he’dhavetokillyou.
This book was art directedanddesignedbyAgentChadW. Beckerman. Theillustrations were created byAgentEthenBeavers.
THEBOOKISOVER!THATSIT!
STOPTURNINGPAGES!
ARGH!WHATDIDIJUSTSAY?YOUCAN’TFOLLOWASIMPLEDIRECTION.BUTSINCEYOU’RE
HERE,YOUMIGHTASWELL
TAKEALOOKATTHENEXT
CASEFILE.
TheVillainVirusByMichaelBuckley
ReadNERDS:BookFourtoday!
Julio “Flinch” Escala wasfreaking out. Ten bombs hadbeen planted beneath thestreetsofParis,andtheywereset to go off at any minute.The destruction they wouldcause would be cataclysmic:hundreds of thousands ofpeoplewould die and one ofthe world’s most beautifulcities would never be thesame. It was his job to
preventit.Butatthatmomenthe was too busy with thefreak-out mentioned above.He screamed and kicked andstruggledandscreamedsomemore. And then he did itagain.
It wasn’t supposed tohappenlikethis.
The NERDS had easilylocated Captain Kapow’sbombs, which had beenstashed in the Paris
catacombs, a series ofintertwining mazes that turntheFrenchcity’sundergroundinto Swiss cheese. All theteam had to do was go intothe tunnels, find the bombs,anddeactivatethem.
Easy, right? Well, itprobably would have beeneasyifGeneralSavagehadn’tputFlinchincharge.
The general must havethoughtthathavingthefastest
and strongest member ofNERDS in charge was anatural choice. But the factwas,Flinchwasn’tleadershipmaterial.Hewashyperactive,and he had a hard timeconcentrating, especiallywhen he was full of sugar,whichwasmost of the time.Whenputonthespot,Flinchsorted through hundreds ofplansallcompetingforcenterstageinhismind.Itgavehimaheadachetryingtountangle
them. So he had done whatcame naturally—he plungedinto the tunnels head-first allby himself . . . and waspromptly surrounded by agang of thugs. He foughtmost of them with ease, butone had clocked him in theback of the noggin, and thenitwaslightsout,Flinch!
Andthenhewokeup,andthefreakingoutbegan.
He wasn’t sure how long
hehadbeenout,butfiguredithadn’t been long. After all,the bombs hadn’t explodedand he was still alive—though he had no idea howmuch time was left beforethey sentParis, andhim, skyhigh.
He felt a powerful ticklein his nose, and with atrumpeting release he let outoneof the loudest sneezesofhis life. There was a crackle
inhisearasacom-linkcametolife,andsoonhecouldheara familiar voice inside hishead.
“Agent Pufferfish toAgent Flinch, can you hearme?Pleaserespond.”
“I’mhere,”Flinchsaid.“Whatareyoudoing?”“Having a nervous
breakdown!”hecried.“I’mina tunnel, tied up, andsurroundedbybombs!”
“Flinch!” Pufferfish said.“Stay calm. You can’t freakout.Takesomedeepbreaths...OK,areyoubreathing?”
“Ithinkso,”Flinchsaid.“Good, now use your
super strength to snap theropes,”Pufferfishinstructed.
Flinch tried and failed.Themorehepulled,themorethe ropesdug intohiswrists,whichmeant he had an evenbigger problem. His
hyperactivity was channeledthrough a harness he worethat gave him superhumanstrength and speed. If hecouldn’tbreaktheropes,thentheharnessmustbebrokenormissing,whichmeant for thetime being he was just anordinary—albeit veryhyperactive—boy.
“No can do, Pufferfish,”he said. “My upgrades areoffline.”
Suddenly, he heard thesounds of scratching throughhiscom-link.
“What’sthat?”heasked.“It’s me!” Pufferfish
cried. “I’m allergic tofreakingout.You’veonlygotfifteen minutes before Parisgoesbye-bye.”
Thetwoofthemscreamedand shrieked and freaked outuntil another voice came ontheline.Thisonebelongedto
Agent Wheezer. From thesound of the wind, Flinchguessedshewassoaringoverthe City of Lights, using herinhalers to propel herselfthrough the sky. “This isAgent Wheezer, your eye inthe sky. Captain Kapow ismaking his way toward theRiver Seine, where he has agetawayboatwaitingforhim.I’lldowhatIcantoslowhimdown,butIcouldreallyuseahyperactive strongman with
superspeedtohelpout.”“I’malittle tiedupat the
moment,” Flinch whimperedas he pulled at the ropesagain. He wished he couldsee what was bound aroundhishands.Ifonlyitwasn’tsodark. Wait! Hadn’t thescientists given himsomethingspecialforjustthiskind of problem? Yes, thecontact lenses! But how didthey work? If only he had
paid attention during themission briefing, but therehad been bear claws in thebriefing room that weren’tgoingtoeatthemselves.
“Uh, Gluestick, how dothe lamp contacts workagain?”hesaid.
Duncancameonthecom-linkwithasigh.“Iknewyouweren’t listening! The T-477ContactBulbshaveanuclearcorethat—”
“You can read him theinstruction manual later!”Pufferfish snapped. “Just tellhimwhatheneedstoknow.”
“Geez! OK, blink youreyes three times fast and say‘Spotlight,’”Gluesticksaid.
Flinchdidashewastold,and suddenly his eyes lit uplikethehighbeamsonaGranTorino. Unfortunately, heimmediatelywishedhecouldgo back to not knowing
wherehewas.Hewasinanarrowtunnel
whosewallswere lined fromfloor to ceilingwith bones—hundreds and thousands ofbones. Hip bones, legs, feet,fingers, ribs—all of differentsizes and stacked on top ofoneanotherinneatrows.Thetunnel was getting smaller.The bones were gettingcloser. The skulls wereturning their lifeless gaze on
him and their cackling jawsunhingedtoeathissoul.
“MUERTO!!!!”hecried.“Herecomesthefreak-out
again,” another voice said.This one belonged to AgentBraceface.“Idon’tknowwhySavage didn’t just send me.My braces could have gottenthisdone fifteenminutesagoandwe’dhavetimetoseetheEiffelTower.”
“Flinch, you must calm
down,” Pufferfish said.“There’snothing tobeafraidof. Thiswas all explained inthebriefing.”
“Bear claws!” Flinchcried.
“You’re in the Parisiancatacombs,alsoknownastheCityoftheDead.”
“City of the Dead!!”Flinchcried.
“Shutupandlisten!It’sabig underground cemetery.
Nearly six million bodieswere moved here in the late18th century from a placecalled the Cemetery of theInnocents. The originaltunnels were carved out bylimestone miners and arecenturiesold—”
“Less history lesson andmore rescuing me from theskeleton people!” Flinchshouted, pulling fruitlessly athisbindings.
“The tunnels are why wehave to stop the bombs fromexploding. If they go off,every house, business,vehicle, and person abovethem will collapse into thehole.”
“I didn’t know that!” hesaid.
“IT WAS IN THEBRIEFING!” his teammatesshoutedthroughthecom-link.
Duncan’s voice returned.
“Allright,buddy,takeadeepbreathandcalmdown.Trytorelaxandstaypositive.Whatisitthatyourgrandmaalwayssays?”
“Dequetocanallover,nohay más que abrir elparaguas,”Flinchsaid.
“What does that mean?”Wheezerasked.
“If it’s raining, all youhave to do is open yourumbrella.”
“OK . . . sowhat arewegoingtodo?”Pufferfishsaid.
“We’re going to find hisumbrella,” Gluestick said.“Now, feel around forsomething to loosen theropes.”
Flinch reached outcautiously until somethingsharp jabbed his wrists.Wasit a knife? What did askeleton need a knife for?Were the skeletons not
satisfied with scaring him todeath—now they wanted tostabhimaswell?
Hepushedthethoughtoutof his mind and focused onhis situation. He had learnedin his secret agent trainingthat anything could be a tool—even a pointy thing in themiddle of a stack of deadpeople.Sohefoughttheurgeto pee his pants and draggedthe ropes back and forth
againstitssharpedge.“Maybe I need to go in
after him,” Braceface said.“I’ll just morph my bracesinto a motorcycle and zipdownthere.He’srunningoutof time, and if we don’t actfast, thisplace isgoing tobeFrenchtoast.”
“They don’t eat Frenchtoast in France,” Pufferfishgrumbled.
“No one is coming down
here!”Flinchsaid.“But,Flinch—”“No! The general put me
in charge, and so I’m incharge and I get to saywhathappens and stuff!” Flinchsaidashecontinuedworkingawayathisbindings.
Soontherewasasnapandhis hands were free. Heturned to find out what thesharp object was that hadhelped his escape. It was a
skull with a jaw full ofbroken teeth. He had put hishands into its mouth!!!Ugh!!! He danced aroundtrying to shake the creepyfeelingoutofhisskin.
“Nowfortheharness,”hesaid when he got himselfundercontrol.Hefounditonthegroundnearbyandeyeditclosely, searching fordamage. Tiny robots in hisbodycallednanobytes turned
the sugar that he consumedinto raw power, thenchanneledthatpowerintotheharness, which allowed himto access it at will. Withoutthe power, he was just a kidwho ate too many cupcakesand rambled when he spoke.But how had the thugsknown?
One of the harness’spower chords had beenyankedout.Flinchre-inserted
thechord,andthechestplateglowed with a familiar bluelight.Heslippeditbackoverhis head and locked it inplace. Immediately, he feltthe energy coursing throughhim.
“All right, problemonumerodoshas been solved.HowmuchtimedoIhave?”
“Nine minutes,”Pufferfish said throughscratches.
Flinch turned up hispower,readytorun.“TimetosaveParis.”
TobecontinuedinTheVillainVirus...
AREYOUHAPPYNOW?GOOD!GETOUTTA
HERE!
![Finale 2002 - [15-1749H Spiritual Jubilee (SATB).MUS] · SATB Chorus and Piano* Bass Brightly q = 112 1. 6 down by the riv - er-side, doom doom doom doom doom ... We are climb - ing,](https://img.pdfslide.us/doc/110x75/5b2410317f8b9a9a028b5148/finale-2002-15-1749h-spiritual-jubilee-satbmus-satb-chorus-and-piano.jpg)
