THE CHARACTER DARE

DO NOT OPEN UNLESS

• You are serious about improving your character.• You are interested in helping others• You want to make a positive difference in the lives of

those around you.• You are tough enough to handle rejection and

criticism.• You are a person built for others.• You believe in other people and that the world is

good.• You are ready to start taking steps toward being the

ideal version of yourself.

C O N F I D E N T I A L

Character is who you are…it is determined by the thousands of choices that you make daily. People will want to follow your leadership because of your character.

Many people have written books on leadership, talked about leadership, held important leadership titles, but still do not “know” leadership. This is because many do not know what it is like to truly serve someone else:

• to offer a helping hand when no one else does, • to ask “How can I help?” before thinking about yourself, • to truly listen to someone else, • to meet the legitimate needs (not wants) of others, • to help carry other people’s burdens when they can’t do it alone.

This is what it means to serve.

There are 4 stages to character development:

• Stage 1: Unconscious & Unskilled• You don’t know about it, so you are not good at it.

• Stage 2: Conscious & Unskilled• You learn about it, but haven’t practiced it, so you aren’t good at it.

• Stage 3: Conscious & Skilled• You know about it and have practiced it, so you are now good at it.

• Stage 4: Unconscious & Skilled• You have practiced it so much that you don’t even have to think about doing

it because…that is who you are!

The problem is that we are naturally stuck in our terrible twos and are selfish. How do we counter this habit? We make new habits by focusing on what the ideal version of ourselves is and by deliberately choosing to act in accordance with this ideal self. This will be hard because it is not natural. This will be hard because others may not agree or do likewise. But hard or not, this is what servant-leaders do. They courageously choose to align their intentions, or good thoughts, with their actions.

If you want to know what real servant-leadership is, then I challenge you to take the leadership dare and find out.

Each day for the next 40 days we challenge you to complete the dare for the day. These will ask you to become more aware, to stretch, and to practice the eight essentials of servant leadership.

LEADERSHIP DARE INTRODUCTION

The dictionary definition of kindness is “to give attention, appreciation, and encouragement to people.” The second definition listed is “to display common courtesy to others.”

Kindness is an act of love (verb) because it requires us to reach out to others, to extend ourselves, even to people we may not be particularly fond of. Kindness and common courtesy are about doing the things that help relationships flow smoothly. This includes extending ourselves for others by appreciating them, encouraging them, being courteous, listening well, and giving credit and praise for efforts made. - The World’s Most Powerful Leadership Principle, by James C. Hunter

Psychologist Robert Zajonc is famous for discovering “The Mere Exposure Effect” which states that people prefer what they are familiar with. Zajonc found the more exposure we have to someone the more we will find similarities with them and tend to like them. Things and people grow on us and we acquire a liking to them over time and repeated exposure.1

WE DARE YOU TOBe An Encourager Today. Carefully observe those with whom you interact, and identify something positive you can acknowledge. Give at least 5 genuine compliments based on your observations.

“Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.”-Mother Teresa

1 “Mere Exposure Theory - Changing Minds.” 2003. 17 Apr. 2016 <http://changingminds.org/explanations/theories/mere_exposure.htm>

DAY 1: KINDNESS

The definition of patience is to show self-control.

Is this quality of character important for a leader? Not only is it important—it is essential, because patience and self-control are the essential building blocks of character and, hence, leadership. I believe self-control is better described using the phrase impulse control. We are teaching impulse control to our little girl every day by coaching her to respond not according to what she feels like doing but according to what is the right thing to do. Without control over our basic desires, whims, appetites, and other urges, we have little hope of behaving with character in difficult situations. A habit must be developed by responding from principles rather than urges in order for us to be effective leaders. In short, we must control our impulses. We must get the head (values) in charge of the heart (emotions). Patience and self-control are essential to healthy relationships. If you doubt this, then ask yourself this question: Do you have positive relationships with people who are out of control? Patience and self control are both about being consistent and predictable in mood and actions.- The World’s Most Powerful Leadership Principle, by James C. Hunter

WE DARE YOU TO…Practice Patience. Think about the ways in which you respond to urges, rather than principles. Do you rush to get ahead of others? Try to make others do things your way? Cut others off in conversation? After identifying areas where you could improve your impulse control, begin putting patience into action. Practical ideas might include holding the door open for someone, allowing someone in your class to do a task their way rather than trying to show them how you would do it, letting others speak first, allowing another person to enter a line in front of you, etc.

“A habit cannot be tossed out the window; it must be coaxed down the stairs a step at a time.”-Mark Twain

DAY 2: PATIENCE

Perhaps one of the most difficult skills in leadership is learning how to listen to others. It’s amazing how many people are truly lousy listeners. We all know what it feels like when someone doesn’t listen. We feel disrespected and certainly do not feel a positive connection.

Learning to listen requires that we do several things. First of all, we show that we’re listening by using the SOFTEN model:

• Smile or show sincerity• Open posture• Forward facing toward the speaker• Time and Touch, giving when appropriate• Eye contact• Nod to show that we’re following them

These are all respectful, loving, non-verbal gestures used by good listeners.

The second aspect of listening is much tougher - learning to actively listen. Active listening is knowing how to ask the right questions and how to reflect back the message/words of the speaker. It requires that you pay attention until it hurts your head! It is NOT giving advice. Remember to seek first to understand and then to be understood.

It works like this: a person wants to talk. First think SOFTEN and get your body in the right place. Then go to work with Active Listening:

• Ask questions to help you understand the meaning of the person’s words. “Are you saying that...?” and “Did I hear you right when you said...?” are good for clarification.

• You then reflect. “You must be feeling pretty disappointed (upset, excited, happy, hurt, etc.).”

• Watch the non-verbals. Is he or she looking down? Arms crossed? Avoiding eye contact? Picking at a fingernail? Sighing? Biting a lip? What do you think that means? Ask, “Are you nervous (sad, afraid, excited, proud, etc.)?” Or maybe you sense anger. Ask about that. Show that you’re paying attention. Keep them talking.

Good listeners share the sadness and the happiness of others. They learn to truly enjoy letting others talk, get interested in the lives of those they listen to and find they get more out of listening than talking. After all, why do we have two ears but only one mouth?

SHOW YOU ARE LISTENINGIn class, at lunch/dinner, at home, and with friends, practice listening this week. Show you’re listening by using the SOFTEN model and then actively listen by asking good questions, paraphrasing, and reflecting. Be interested in the other person. Strong listening skills, used well, show respect and love to others.

“Respect is love in plain clothes.”- Frankie Byrne

“The first duty of love is to listen.”- Paul Tillich

DAY 3: RESPECT

Commitment is defined as “sticking to your choice.”

Commitment to servant leadership requires a passion for doing what you say you are going to do, following through on promises, and finishing what is started. It is a passion for doing the right thing and being the best you can be. It requires a passion for helping others along their journey to being the best they can be.- The World’s Most Powerful Leadership Principle, by James C. Hunter

You know about this one already. Just do it.

COMMIT TO CHANGEThis year at school what commitments have you made? What goals or changes have you wanted to make in yourself? What strengths did you discover about yourself this year? What areas need more development? Capture two or three goals for yourself. What are you willing to commit to? What steps will it take to reach those goals? Add one or two goals that you have from other parts of your life (a goal for a specific class this year, a goal from a sport – like making varsity, or a goal about college – like getting into a specific college.) Don’t have more than four goals total – these

are hard. Write them down on this piece of paper.

Pair up with someone in your class and share these goals. This person will be your accountability partner for the rest of the dares and potentially the rest of the school year. Meet with this person regularly throughout the school year (every other week is a good number) and hold each other accountable for doing the hard stuff that will enable you to reach these goals. Support one

another via text messaging, social media etc...

Goal 1:

Goal 2:

Goal 3:

Goal 4:

DAY 4: COMMITMENT

We don’t learn from our experiences until we really think about them. What happened? What went well or poorly? Why did it go well or poorly? If I could do it again, what would I do differently? How do lessons learned from this experience apply to other situations in my life?

Each of us should take time in our lives to reflect, to consider what has been happening to us and whether we are satisfied with our results. Some people keep a journal and write their thoughts and experiences each day. You may have a friend you talk all this over with. Another person may draw to capture their thoughts and ideas. It’s important to take the time in our lives to reflect and learn.

REFLECTION DAYReflect on what has happened over the first four days of your leadership dare. Learn from your experience, and use it to make the next four days of dares even more of a learning and growing experience.

What did you learn about yourself over the first four days?

What did you learn about others?

What would you like to do differently if you could do the first four dares again?

What is one word to describe your experience so far?

“Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.” - Oscar Wilde

DAY 5: REFLECTION

The definition of forgiveness is “to let go of resentment.”

Forgiving people develops the skill (habit) of accepting limitations in others and the capacity to tolerate imperfection. They develop the skill of letting go of the resentment that often lingers when people let them down. Forgiveness involves going to people and communicating assertively about how their actions have affected you, dealing with it, and then letting go of any lingering resentment. It is hard to do when pride and feelings have been hurt. But know that resentment destroys the human personality. -from The World’s Most Powerful Leadership Principle, by James C. Hunter

THINK OF SOMEONE AT SCHOOL WHO HAS HURT YOU Go out of your way to smile and say hello to that person, every time you see them. And mean it!

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”- Mahatma Gandhi

DAY 6: FORGIVENESS

The definition of selflessness is “to meet the needs of others”.

The will to serve and sacrifice for others, the willingness to set aside our wants and needs in seeking the greatest good for others – this is what it means to be selfless. The Law of the Harvest states that people reap what they sow; in other words, you serve me, I’ll serve you. Selfless people sow service and sacrifice; they extend themselves for others and seek their greatest good. In return, they reap the harvest of influence. Selfless people are servants, not slaves, because they meet the legitimate needs of others, not their wants.

MEET BASIC NEEDSOpen the door today for someone you know, and for someone you don’t know.

“No one is useless in the world who lightens the load of another.”- Charles Dickens

DAY 7: SELFLESSNESS

The dictionary defines honesty as “being free from deception”.

Few would disagree that honesty and integrity are essential qualities of character that a leader must possess. Surveys have shown for decades that these are the qualities of character people most want in their leader.

If you do not believe that these qualities are essential to leadership, just ask yourself this question: Do you have good relationships with people you do not trust? Are those the people who inspire you?-from The World’s Most Powerful Leadership Principle, by James C. Hunter

BE FREE FROM DECEPTIONIsolate one area of division in your life and reflect on it by writing at least one page about the issue and what needs to happen for healing to occur. Take one step today to make that healing happen.

“Either you are honest of you are not honest. There’s nothing in between.”- Don Curtis

“Be silly. Be honest. Be kind.”- Ralph Waldo Emerson

DAY 8: HONESTY

Humility can be defined as “displaying an absence of pride, arrogance or pretence; behaving authentically.”

Humble people are able to keep things in perspective. They are willing to be open and vulnerable because they have their egos under control and do not operate from delusions of grandeur, believing they are indispensable. They do not take themselves too seriously and are able to laugh at themselves and the world. They are quick to give credit to others and do not seek out credit and adulation for themselves; they are secure in who and what they are. They do not have all the answers, are okay with that, and are wide open to contrary opinion. And, as a wise mystic once said, “If we could see ourselves for what we really are, we would be very humble indeed.”

APOLOGIZE TO SOMEONE TODAYApologize to someone today. Remember that an apology is not an admission of guilt or wrongdoing. It’s an acknowledgement that you’re willing to do better next time.

“The more you lose yourself in something bigger than yourself, the more energy you will have.”- Norman Vincent Peale

DAY 9: HUMILITY

You are one-quarter of the way through the 40 day dare. How is it going?

REFLECTION DAYReflect on what has happened over the first nine days of your leadership dare – answer the questions below. Then choose one dare from the first nine days and do it again – either with different people or with the person from your first attempt, but better. We learn from our experience – put it to good use.

How did people react to you when you completed the tasks in the dares?

How did you react when you completed the tasks in the dares?

What proved to be the hardest thing you had to do in completing the dares?

What do you think of yourself after the first nine days? What is different?

“The place to improve the world is first in one’s own heart and head and hands, and then work outward from there.”

- Robert Pirsig

DAY 10: REFLECTION

One of the most powerful dynamics of human interaction is when people feel as though they have been heard -- really heard. Hearing someone does not mean we necessarily have to agree with what has been said. Rather, it is working to understand where people are coming from and then going to a new place together. Dr. Joyce Brothers has commented that listening, not imitation, is the sincerest form of flattery…

Listening skills are crucial in developing healthy relationships. Dr. Karl Menninger described listening in this way: “listening is a magnet and strange thing, a creative force. The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward, and we want to sit in their radius.”

I used to hate going to social functions until someone gave me a huge piece of advice that works magically. In fact, it works whenever you are around other human beings. It takes off all of the pressure. Are you ready for this profound piece of wisdom?

Forget about being interesting, and work on being interested.

Works like a charm every time.

WORK ON BEING INTERESTED IN WHAT OTHERS HAVE TO SAYPractice impulse control by holding your tongue today and giving others a chance to share.

“If I have ever made any valuable discoveries, it has been owing more to patient attention, than to any other talent.”

- Isaac Newton

DAY 11: PATIENCE

How often do you have a thought to do something or say something nice for someone, but you don’t do it? I frequently get into an elevator, or pass someone on the street and think to myself “cute shoes” or “fun haircut” or “what a warm smile.” I used to never say these things aloud – after all, the people were strangers, they would think I was odd. But something happened to me that changed my opinion: I was on an airplane a few years ago with my three year old daughter. An older woman sat next to us in the row. Part way through the flight, she turned to me and said, “It is wonderful to watch you talk to your daughter with such patience and warmth.” She went back to her book and the flight soon landed. I’ve never seen her again, but I remember those words clear as day. She made me feel good about something that was very important to me. This cost her next to nothing to say, but meant the world to me. Now I always say something nice to the other person on the elevator, and they rarely look at me as if I am strange! Kindness is one of the simplest and most powerful tools we have at our disposal. We can help lift a burden from another. We can make someone smile. We can make someone feel loved and valuable. We can literally save someone’s life with a smile, a compliment, or a helping hand.

DO SOMETHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY TODAY FOR SOMEONE IN YOUR LIFEDo something that proves (to you and to them) that your love is based on a choice and nothing else. Wash their car. Clean the kitchen. Buy their favorite morning drink.

“The life I touch for good or ill will touch another life, and that in turn another, until who knows where the trembling stops or in what far place my touch will be felt.”

- Frederick Buechner

“Great opportunities to help others seldom come, but small ones surround us every day.”- Sally Koch

DAY 12: KINDNESS

We have all experienced failure in one way or another; we learn from our mistakes and get better and so learn to embrace failure as a positive. However, when we continually find ourselves coming up short when we know we could be doing better or being better, it can be discouraging and damaging. Often times this can be blamed only upon ourselves, on a lack of self-discipline. To use a common example, we slack on homework or a school project. As a result we throw everything together at the last minute, earn a grade we know could have been better, and then feel generally pretty lousy about our effort. Or we do something that we know isn’t good to do but in a weak moment we do it and then, the next morning, wake up feeling rotten about the whole deal. In short, we lose self-respect; we look in the mirror and don’t respect who we see.

Learning to discipline our lives to do hard things, to do what must be done rather than what we want to do, can be one of the most gratifying changes of our lives. When we develop more discipline, when we begin to come through on homework or do the right thing with our friends, we begin to feel better about ourselves and, as a result, act better. It’s a positive cycle. Many characteristics work this way: being honest, patient, kind, and forgiving, all lead to increasing our self-respect and our self-worth; our dignity increases when we do right in these areas and we also find that others respect us. Think of those you respect in your life and you’ll likely be thinking of people who have learned to respect themselves through paying the price of personal discipline.

Discipline and the self-respect which follows doesn’t happen overnight. The “ability to say no to oneself” as Heschel says (below), is the result of having a vision for who you want to be in this life and then the conscious practice on a daily basis to be that person. It’s hard work but then anything worth becoming has always been difficult. The only reward in choosing the easy path is that it’s easy.

FINDING ACCOUNTIBILITYMake a list of areas in your life where you lack discipline, where you consistently fail or fall. Resolve to begin, in one of these areas, to discipline yourself to change. Find someone who will hold you accountable to that change, a friend or relation who cares about who you are becoming as a person. Set daily challenges/disciplines for yourself and practice them. See if your self-respect gets healthier over time. It will. And you won’t be the only one who benefits from that change.

“Respect yourself and others will respect you.”- Confucius

“Self-respect is the fruit of discipline; the sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself.”

- Abraham J. Heschel

DAY 13: RESPECT

Making a commitment to doing something, and then actually working toward doing it is hard. There are many roadblocks, unforeseen problems, and principals who actively block our ideas, friends who want us to play when we are trying to work, a sister who is not at all thankful when you try to be helpful. There are many opportunities to let a commitment die. How do we keep away from these? How do we stay strong and committed when we don’t feel like it?

We all need help. When others know what you are working on, they will actively help, or at least try to keep the temptations out of our way. This is why we have encouraged you to meet regularly with your accountability partner. But this is a case of “the more, the merrier.” Make your goals public, share them with friends, family, teachers, and coaches. Explicitly ask for help in keeping yourself on the “straight and narrow” in working toward your goals. The more that know, the more likely someone can step in with just the right way to help when you most need a gentle push.

WE DARE YOU TO…Today tell five people about your goals. These five don’t have to know all your goals – for example, you might tell your coach about your goal to run a sub-five minute mile, while you might tell your Mom about your goal to be more patient with your little brother. Some people will know about several goals, some only one.

“It is easy to get things into our heads, but it is hard to get them into our lives.”- Phil Salzman

DAY 14: COMMITMENT

Take a day off. Think about what you have been doing before you do more.

WE DARE YOU TO…Reflect on your experience so far.

What has been the most satisfying of the dares? Why? What does this tell you about yourself?

What has been the least satisfying of the dares? Why? What does this tell you about yourself?

“When love and skill work together, expect a masterpiece.”- John Ruskin

DAY 15: REFLECTION

Admit it -- you think you are pretty cool. You probably got elected to some office at your school, which means you are probably fairly popular and somewhat respected for getting things done. Your classmates thought you could help make the school a better place. You must be pretty special.

Admit it – there are some people at your school who are NOT as cool as you. You certainly wouldn’t want to be them. They have a sort of an insignificant job, they wear very uncool clothes, or they do not know how to talk in front of others. They do not get to be in the spotlight. They must not be very special.

Admit it – without the people who are quietly working behind the scenes, you’d be pretty lost. The parent who bought you those cool clothes, the teacher who taught you to speak well in front of a group, the introverted friends who have faith in you and voted you into office. They must be truly special.

WE DARE YOU TO…Choose three individuals in your school that make a difference on daily basis but are not recognized (secretary, custodian, student assistant in office/kitchen, etc). Write them a sincere note thanking them for the contributions they make to your school.

“Humility is like underwear, essential, but indecent if it shows.”- Helen Nielsen

DAY 16: HUMILITY

Another form of honesty, one that organizations do not talk nearly enough about, is being free from duplicitous behavior like gossip, backstabbing, and pairing. I see these behaviors running rampant in institutions all over America. It’s as if people get a job and now they have a license to backstab and character-assassinate others at will. Is this honest behavior? -from The World’s Most Powerful Leadership Principle, by James C. Hunter

We all know that this type of duplicitous behavior runs rampant through our high schools. Take a look at your own role in this behavior that runs counter to how a servant-leader behaves.

WE DARE YOU TO…Show honesty today by refraining from any negative talk, gossip, backstabbing etc. This includes swearing or complaining! Keep track of the number of times you do slip and see how low a number you can get.

“It was a grand trait of the old Roman that with him one and the same word meant both honor and honesty.”

- Unknown

“I am different from Washington; I have a higher, grander standard of principle. Washington could not lie. I can lie, but I won’t.”

- Mark Twain

DAY 17: HONESTY

Please Accept My ApologyYou probably remember me from the other day. I was the one who reacted very slowly to the green traffic light. When you honked your horn, I realized I was holding up traffic, so please accept my apology. However, I do want you to know why I seemed in a daze. You see, I was just at the doctor’s office getting the results of the biopsy I had two weeks ago, and I was wondering how I would tell my husband and children that I have cancer. My eyes were still stinging from crying, so, quite simply I didn’t even see the light change. Perhaps I should not have been driving, but I didn’t want to miss my appointment and there was no one else to take me.

And you over there, yes, you. I was the one in the express lane at the supermarket. I know you are only supposed to take 12 items or less and I had a basket full. Please accept my apology. My mind was on my youngest daughter who ran away from home, and she’s just sixteen. I was so distraught then. You see, she somehow got in with the wrong crowd and started using drugs and drinking. I was remembering what a pretty little girl she had been most of her life. I know you were perturbed along with others in line. Please, accept my apology.

I remember you from the department store last week. I was so mean to you, when you were doing your job to the best of your ability. I acted so childishly. Please accept my apology. You see, I arrived home from work just yesterday and discovered that my wife had left me. But I should never have taken it out on you. Please, accept my apology.

The above are fictitious incidents, and yet they express a very real truth.

The old saying about judging others before you have “walked a mile in their shoes,” is a much needed reminder. Perhaps we all could try to be more cognizant of the fact that there are problems and situations in the lives of others of which we are totally unaware. So, maybe before we get frustrated in similar circumstances, and find we are momentarily inconvenienced or suffering through a pointless tirade, we should think a moment and understand that things may be going on in other’s lives which have caused them to be slower, absentminded or angry.

http://www.values.com/your-inspirational-stories/81

WE DARE YOU TO…Remind yourself several times today that neither you nor anyone else is perfect. When you are frustrated or impatient, look at situations from the point of view of the other person so you can understand and forgive their actions.

“Treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster. Your life will never be the same again.”

- Og Mandino

DAY 18: FORGIVENESS

In the spring of 2009, the Central Washington University softball team was playing Western Oregon. Both teams were in the running for the Conference title. Down 2 to 1, Western Oregon’s Sara Tucholsky came to the plate. Sara proceeded to hit the first homerun of her entire career, high school or college. In her excitement she failed to touch first base. Quickly turning around she severely injured her knee (later diagnosed as a torn ACL). Realizing that Sara was unable to continue from first, Central’s Mallory Holtman, the conference leader in homeruns, and one of her Central teammates, picked Sara up and carried her to second base, then third and finally home, assuring that Sara would score her first and only career home run. By rule, Sara’s teammates were forbidden to aid her. Western Oregon would win the game 4-2 that day but the real winners were Mallory and her teammate who selflessly served and sacrificed for Sara because it was the right thing to do.

WE DARE YOU TO…Go to an event (sporting, music, chess club…) that you would not normally go to. Afterward, seek out someone who was involved and give a complement to them.

“I don’t know what your destiny will be, but one thing I know; the only ones among you who will be truly happy are those who have sought and found how to serve.”

- Albert Schweitzer

DAY 19: SELFLESSNESS

The half-way point is a good time to really take a step back and think about what you are doing and why.

WE DARE YOU TO…Consider your actions and feelings over the last 4 days.

Why are you still continuing to do these dares? What are you gaining?

The dares will get harder. Consider carefully, do you want to continue for the remaining 20 days? Why?

“Passion is the quickest to develop and the quickest to fade. Intimacy develops more slowly, and commitment more gradually still.”

- Robert Sternberg

“Help me to do the best I can, with what I have, where I am, all the time.”- Dale Turner

DAY 20: REFLECTION

As a leader, we are called to patience. We can all imagine times when a situation before us was frustrating and discouraging through no fault or contribution of our own. Essentially, as we have no control over the situation, we cannot determine an outcome. We can, however, control our behavior and choose to be patient toward the situation. In their popular book, “FISH! Catch the Energy and Release the Potential,” Stephen C. Lundin PhD, Harry Paul and John Christensen outline some key contributors to the successful business Pike Place Fish. The concept of Choose Your Attitude is one of the four contributors to the success of Pike Place Fish. The Fish Mongers of Pike Place Fish don’t get to choose the work they do or the way that others treat them, but they choose to be positive and persevere no matter the situation. They choose patience with their situation, be it out of their control, and enjoy a fun and successful working environment as a result. Many of us are faced with individuals on a daily basis that may suck the energy right out of us – even just to think of them! We can choose our attitude and decide that while the person may not be someone near and dear to us, they, as an individual and a human deserve to be treated with dignity. Patience means that when we look at others we should treat them the way we want to be treated, or, in essence, practice the Golden Rule. If you want others to be patient with you, you will extend patience to them, even when it is hard, hurtful or annoying. We teach others how to treat us based upon the way we treat them. By exhibiting patience with others, we are serving others. That is not to say it is easy. It is hard. But it’s the hard that makes it good.

WE DARE YOU TO…Choose to have a positive attitude today. When you are annoyed or frustrated or bored, choose to find the positive. Choose to be upbeat, patient, and kind.

“Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”- Abraham Lincoln

DAY 21: PATIENCE

William James, the great American philosopher and psychologist, taught that human beings at the core of their personality have the need to be appreciated…Mother Teresa often said that people crave appreciation more than they crave bread.-from The World’s Most Powerful Leadership Principle, by James C. Hunter

WE DARE YOU TO…Write a hand-written note of gratitude.

• Select the person—a family member, friend, co-worker, or someone you haven’t spoken to in a long time—whom you want to thank for what he or she brings to your life.

• Choose a postcard, letter, or card.• Take a few minutes to write a warm, sincere message that clearly communicates

your love and appreciation for that person.• Deliver or send it today.

“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.”

- Albert Schweitzer

Idea borrowed from http://everymondaymatters.com

DAY 22: KINDNESS

While dating a girl in my high school days, I was invited to dinner in her home with her parents. The only thing that remains in my memory from that meal was the way the girl treated her mother; she was amazingly disrespectful in how she spoke to her. It made such a powerful impression on me that I never dated the girl again.

Our relationships with our parents can be quite difficult for many reasons. Painful pasts, abuse, disagreements, etc., can create a strained relationship. Lack of forgiveness on both sides, dishonesty, impatience, and lack of vulnerability, can lead to heartache. Even in homes where we have good relationships with our parents, there is still room for growth.

Respect for our parents comes primarily from what we say and what we do. How we speak and how we act toward our parents says a great deal about who we are. Deep resentments and pride often get in the way of doing or saying the right thing. We’re talking tough stuff here for many of us. However, one of the best places to practice becoming a servant leader is in the home, in the place where we see each other for who we truly are. Here we can perhaps risk a bit more than in other places. For the most part, no matter what we do, home is the place we can always go to and be received.

Here are some questions: Do you clean your room without being asked? Wash the dishes? Clean the bathroom? Or do you have to be asked repeatedly to do such things? It shows disrespect if your parents have to ask more than once. It shows disrespect to speak to your parents in a sharp tone, to talk back, to use sarcasm, to roll your eyes at something they say. However, giving them eye contact, speaking respectfully, following through on promises, being obedient, and going the extra mile for them, showing appreciation, are all forms of respect that, when given freely, tend to come back to you from them.

Remember that people, including parents, don’t necessarily have to earn respect. Simply give it to them. See what happens.

WE DARE YOU TO…Examine your relationship with your parent or parents. Honestly evaluate where you could improve that relationship in terms of respect. Begin to practice by saying and/or doing things that show respect to your mom, your dad, or both. It could be anything from simply doing the dishes without being told to granting or asking for forgiveness in a particular area. Or it might be in a change in the tone of your voice. These changes might be hard to do, but they pay off big time.

“A child who is allowed to be disrespectful to his parents will not have true respect for anyone.”- Billy Graham

“Respect for one’s parents is the highest duty of civil life.”- Proverb

DAY 23: RESPECT

I want you each to think about those things you committed to accomplish this year – those four goals you set for yourself and the school. Being committed to those goals means when the hard times come, we don’t get to give up because those things are important enough to us that we know we can’t just give up or go back. I read this story in a book called “Whistle While you Work,” it is about not going back:

I was privileged to go on an Outward Bound trip to Africa, something I had wanted to do for a long time. We literally were walking through the heart of Africa on our journey. It was a route we probably should not be taking, but the group wanted to push the envelope. So we found ourselves in full backpacks walking along the eastern edge of the Serengeti Plains… to the Ngorongoro Crater where we will meet the truck that dropped us off several days ago. The route is unfamiliar to our Masai guide, and so we are unsure what lies ahead and nervous about our limited water supplies holding out. The sun is brutal. Animal sounds are everywhere and we are all on edge as we walk through tall grass that obscures our view beyond more than a few paces.

Suddenly, one of my team members freezes – then sits down heavily. As I kneel down to him, I see he is trembling. “What’s wrong, Tom?” His eyes are huge. “Lion,” he whispers, pointing in the distance. I cannot see anything, but, given the grass, this is not surprising. Still unable to see anything, I try to get Tom to move – to catch up to the group. He is paralyzed with fear. Finally, I leave him and run to fetch Derek, our group leader. He sits next to Tom, “What is it, old Chap?” He shakes his head and says, “This is insane. It’s too dangerous. We shouldn’t be here.” Derek nods, “But we ARE here. Now the only thing to do is plunge ahead.” Tom shakes his head again, “No way. I’m not going. I’m going back.” Derek sighs, “There is no back, Tom. Our camp is back three days, and the truck isn’t there anymore. It is waiting for us up ahead.” Tom continues to shake his head, “I just want out now. Out of this. Right now.” Derek smiled, “You can’t get out; there is no out. This is what it is.” The group has now gathered around, worried what will happen to Tom, and what will happen to us if we continue to sit here in the grueling sun. Derek looks up at us all. “In Outward Bound we have a saying, ‘When you can’t get out of it; get into it’. We have no out folks, so we might as well get into the experience and give it all we have.” This became our mantra for the rest of the trip, whenever we encountered difficulties. I often think of the saying in my life – when I just want to chuck it all. But there is no getting out of life, so I might as well just get into it.

So, as much as we might just want to pull the covers over our heads and skip the rest of the dares, we can’t do that. We have made commitments to our schools, our friends and ourselves. There is no “back” to go to. So come on, let’s just get into it!

REDEDICATE YOURSELFWhich of your four goals is proving much harder than you expected? Which are you tempted to drop? Think about this goal – why did you set it in the first place? Get out a piece of paper and write all the positives that will happen if you complete the goal. What will happen that is negative if you don’t complete it? Recommit yourself to this goal – call your accountability partner today and ask for their help in keeping you on task for reaching this one.

“Start by doing what is necessary, then what’s possible and suddenly you are doing the impossible.”- Saint Francis

DAY 24: COMMITMENT

You are more than half-way through. Today you need to refresh your batteries.

WE DARE YOU TO…Watch your favorite inspirational movie. If you don’t have one, some suggestions are:

RadioRudy

Pay it ForwardGroundhog’s Day

“Try not to lose yourself in the need to constantly serve others. Remember that selflessness is serving others’ needs, not all their wants. Please, also remember that it is important to demonstrate love for yourself, as well. Be comfortable with the fact that you have your own needs, too...and sometimes

you might have to call on others to demonstrate love and selflessness to you in return.”- Sue Dunfield

DAY 25: REFLECTION

There are so many people in your school that you do not really know. How can you ever lead them unless you know them? How can you meet their needs, if you have no insight into those needs? There are far too many people at your school who trudge through the day, counting the minutes until they can escape. They are disconnected. Reach out to these people and you’ll find a huge, untapped resource. You’ll strengthen the community in your school. You’ll touch someone’s life in a positive way. You may gain a new friend.

WE DARE YOU TO…Ask someone to join you for lunch that you have observed consistently eating by themselves. Start a conversation centered on the individual, their family, interests, etc. so that you actually get to know something about the person. Use their name – and remember it for future encounters. Ask them to help on some ASB project; let them know they are needed.

“To become truly great, one has to stand with people, not above them.”- Charles de Montesquieu

“Life’s most urgent question is: What are you doing for others?”- Martin Luther King, Jr.

DAY 26: HUMILITY

Pairing is a destructive alliance between two or more people. These are people who like to break off and talk about the group rather than bringing issues to the group so they can be dealt with. This behavior is hugely destructive to the team and is dishonest.

I tell people that if they are engaged in duplicitous behavior as described above, it is like eating double cheeseburgers and drinking triple chocolate malts on their character diet. They are damaging their character, and everyone is watching! -from The World’s Most Powerful Leadership Principle, by James C. Hunter

Servant-leaders need to not only stop this type of behavior in themselves, but also work to stop it first in their friend groups and then in their peers.

WE DARE YOU TO…Show honesty today by confessing to a family member something you need to let go of today and resolve to make it right.

“Some people will not tolerate such emotional honesty in communication. They would rather defend their dishonesty on the grounds that it might hurt others. Therefore, having rationalized

their phoniness into nobility, they settle for superficial relationships.”- Author Unknown

DAY 27: HONESTY

Recently my 2nd period leadership class lured me away from my lesson plan with some really good questions on the topic of forgiveness. It was one of those discussions that just kept building and I went with the flow until this question was asked by a quiet but intense girl in the second row: “What if a person doesn’t deserve to be forgiven?”

The room was quiet as I stared at her and then looked down at the floor.

Strangely, I felt myself beginning to choke up a bit as I considered a response to her question; then I looked up and asked, “Does anyone truly deserve to be forgiven?” In saying this I realized how many times in my own life I had been forgiven fully knowing I didn’t deserve to be treated so well. We went on to discuss how forgiveness is more often for the person doing the forgiving than for the person receiving it.

A quote from an unknown author says it well: “Forgiveness does not always lead to a healed relationship. Some people are not capable of love, and it might be wise to let them go, along with your anger. Wish them well and let them go their way. It doesn’t matter if the person who hurt you deserves to be forgiven. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. You have things to do and you want to move on.”

Well said. Knowing that resentment, or unforgiveness, destroys the human personality, we would all do well to forgive whether we feel someone deserves it or not. It’ll keep us from becoming twisted and diseased by resentment and therefore make us much more capable of being true servant leaders.

WE DARE YOU TO…Forgive someone who doesn’t deserve it. Let your anger go, and move on from that person. Untangle yourself from a relationship that may be poisoning you.

“Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were.”- Cherie Carter-Scott

DAY 28: FORGIVENESS

“There was a man walking along a beach at low tide. He spotted a person walking along, picking up starfish stranded by the retreating waves, and throwing them back in the ocean.

‘Hey, it’s no use. There are thousands of starfish on the beach. What you can do won’t make a difference.’

Picking up another starfish and throwing it back, the person replied, ‘It made a difference to that one.’”

- Unknown

WE DARE YOU TO…Buy a school lunch today. When you get to the point of paying,

pay for your lunch and the person behind you in line.

“Do good. This should be the aim of every human being, to make the world better for their having lived.”

- Eldress Bullard

DAY 29: SELFLESSNESS

“I am only one, but I am one.I can’t do everything, but I can do something.

What I can do, I ought to do.What I ought to do, by the grace of God, I will do.”

- Everett Hale

WE DARE YOU TO…Reflect today on all you have accomplished.

What positive things have come out of your actions over the last 30 days?

What have you done over the last 30 days that you are most proud of?

“The pursuit of excellence is healthy and gratifying. The pursuit of perfection is frustrating and neurotic. It is also a terrible waste of time.”

- Unknown

DAY 30: REFLECTION

As leaders, we must be patient with ourselves. Sometimes, this is the hardest patience of all to extend. We tend to hold ourselves to a very high standard of performance and will not accept anything other than the exceptional and ideal.

The most important thing to remember in being patient with oneself is that we are human. We will make mistakes. Period. We cannot beat ourselves up and berate ourselves for failure. It is in failure that we learn and we grow to succeed the next time. Most of us cannot recall what it was like to learn how to walk. When we were very young, we began to try to use our legs in a new way. Doing so, we fell and stumbled until we learned to balance and move with ease. If we had not learned to find our balance, to build those muscles and experience the sensation of walking, tripping and falling, we would never have progressed to a point of success or eventually learn to walk.

There is an old Japanese proverb about success: “Fall down seven times, get up eight.”

WE DARE YOU TO…Be kind to yourself today. When something doesn’t go right, tell yourself, “I did my best; my best is all I have to give. I’ll grow and do it better next time.” Buy yourself your favorite snack/treat. You deserve it!

“With love and patience, nothing is impossible.”- Daisaku Ikeda

DAY 31: PATIENCE

There are over 2.9 million active, reserve, and civilian men and women in the U.S. military.

Hundreds of thousands of American troops are deployed indefinitely in remote parts of the world, including the Middle East, Afghanistan, Africa, the Korean Peninsula and on ships throughout international waters.

U.S. service members are deployed for long periods away from home. They love receiving good wishes and words of appreciation and support, even from total strangers.

Letters are the most requested item by U.S. military men and women. Our military protects our nation’s freedom, and, regardless of your political affiliation and whether or not you believe in war, these brave men and women need to know that we appreciate their sacrifices and service. With a simple card or letter, you can brighten the day of a soldier who is overseas ensuring your freedom. Your letter might be the only thing that makes that soldier smile that day.

WRITE A LETTER TO A U.S. MILITARY HERO

• Select a soldier you know or one who is related to someone you know.• If you don’t know a soldier, ask a friend, fellow student, co-worker, pastor, or military

chaplain to help you make a connection. Make sure they provide proper mailing instructions.

• Grab some paper, an envelope, and a pen.• Write a letter from your heart that expresses your gratitude, shows your support, and

provides encouragement. Share a little bit about yourself as well as ask questions about the person you’re writing. Avoid such topics as death, killing, and politics.

• Include your e-mail or mailing address in case the recipient wants to write back. You could even include a self-addressed envelope.

• Send the letter.

Idea borrowed from http://everymondaymatters.com

“The greatest force on earth is not the compulsion of law but the compassion of love.”- Unknown

DAY 32: KINDNESS

Respectfully speaking our mind in front of others is not as common as it should be; let’s face it, most of us are afraid to speak up. We worry about what others will think of what we say or we are simply intimidated in settings where there is pressure and perhaps even hostility. So people walk over us, use us for a doormat or worse, use us to get what they want. This can happen in interpersonal relationships as well as in groups. However, when we begin to realize that relationships and groups don’t function very well when people fail to communicate, we hopefully begin to speak up. We show respect for the other person and for the group when we speak our truth; by doing so we become an active part of the process and we demonstrate that we have a wholesome self-respect, but more importantly we show a respect for doing things the right way, we show that we are willing to compete for what we know is right.

Far too often people sit back and let things slide, let bad things happen, and fail to act. This is disrespectful to systems and relationships and is actually self-centered. For example, if we believe in and respect justice and truth we will be required to act to preserve and uphold them. Failure to do so is a lack of respect for these vital virtues and it wouldn’t be going too far to say it’s showing disrespect for all of mankind. Lastly, it shows a lack of self-respect, and for what reason? Because we don’t want to get involved? Servant leaders get messy; they get in the middle of things and act.

WE DARE YOU TO…Think of something, some situation, where you have failed to speak up for whatever reason. It could be with a friend, teacher, parent, sibling, boss, etc. Resolve that today you will say what needs to be said, that you will at least make it known that you believe something needs to change. It won’t be easy. Easy is saying nothing. People will respect you for speaking up and you will learn to respect yourself, but most importantly you will be showing respect for what matters - people, community and truth.

“All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.”- Edmund Burke

“Self -respect comes to us when...when we suddenly realize that, knowing the truth we have spoken it.”

- Whitney Griswold

DAY 33: RESPECT

Treating others like they are important is difficult to do, if not impossible, if we think we are superior to them. An attitude of arrogance, looking down upon others, pretty much makes it impossible to treat them with respect. Sure, we can fake it, but they will sense or smell out our condescension and see through our phony ways.

Being humble means that we are real with other people. We have no need to impress them in order for them to approve of us. We let people know who we are, warts and all, and we are willing to admit our failings. When we do this we find that we are able to give respect to people simply because we find it impossible to put ourselves in a better than or superior position to them. We know we aren’t perfect and we don’t expect them to be perfect either.

It’s a relief to drop our prideful arrogance, to give up the pretense of being someone we are not, and to meet people right where they are. Think of students in your school that you might have an attitude problem toward, perhaps that you even look down upon a bit. Recognize that in yourself and begin to be honest about who you are underneath your skin. Ask tough questions, like “why do I see others as less than myself?” Or look at some significant relationships in your life where you might have some friction. Is the strain because of stubbornness or undue pride in yourself? Do you need to humble yourself to a brother, sister, friend, parent? You think this isn’t tough? Try it.

When we humble ourselves with others we will find it much easier to respect them. We won’t always get respect back, but who said we respect others to be respected? When we respect with the right motive, namely that all people matter in this world, we will find humility as the foundation of that action. The humbler, we become the more respect we show, and the more respect we show, the humbler we become. It’s a generous, life-giving cycle.

WE DARE YOU TO…Identify someone in your life that you look down upon or generally disrespect. Most of us do this in some fashion. Now, make the effort to spend some time with that person and truly listen, treat them like they are important. Don’t fake it, mean it. Take careful note of how you feel about your actions and also note that person’s reaction. This is guaranteed - the more you treat people with respect, the more you feel that respect become real in you, and thus the more real you become.

“There is no respect for others without humility in one’s self.”- Henri Frederic Amiel

DAY 34: HUMILITY

Your 40 days is coming to a close. You have undoubtedly learned some powerful lessons. Some of what you did to complete a dare didn’t go so well. There are some dares that you chose not to complete. Some people did not react as you expected. This is good. This is how we learn to be better.

WE DARE YOU TO…Reflect today on what you would do differently. Go back and do one dare over.

DAY 35: REFLECTION

The day before Thanksgiving I circled up the students in each of my leadership classes and asked them to share, individually, an answer to a question, “what have you learned this semester?” A petite, wide-eyed girl gave this reply as her answer. “The thing I’ve learned that’s most important to me is forgiveness. I haven’t talked with my dad for two and a half months, but just this last Friday I told him that I forgave him.” As she said this, tears welled up in her eyes and she left anything else unsaid. I sat down with her after class and asked if she wanted to share more. She went on to say that her dad, emotionally, verbally and even physically abusive to her at one point, had been out of the house for a couple months. But an inner something, perhaps an understanding of the power of forgiveness, compelled her to get in touch with him and offer this gift. When I asked what her father’s response was, she said, “He told me that he was sorry for what he had done and that he loved me.” She smiled in saying that and looked at me with hopeful eyes. We hugged and she was out the door to her next class.

An added note: this same girl, a month earlier, had given me a piece of paper before class with this quote: “I don’t forgive people because I’m weak, I forgive them because I’m strong enough to understand that people do make mistakes.” Seems to me that she was well on her way to forgiveness even then.

I’m thankful for the gift that brave, strong girl gave to me and her classmates that day. My hope is that, like her, we can all open our hands to give and receive forgiveness. Do you have anyone you need to forgive, that you need to ask for forgiveness from? Letting go can feel really good and heal your heart. It’s a sacrifice of pride and resentment that is the loving thing to do and leads to more influence in your life. It’s what servant leaders do.

WHO DO YOU NEED TO FORGIVE?Choose a friend or family member you need to forgive totally and unconditionally. Choose an appropriate time to let them know you forgive them. Find the courage and go tell them so.

“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it can enlarge the future.”- Paul Boese

DAY 36: FORGIVENESS

Humility is a critical element of growth and commitment. Humility is not low self-esteem. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. With humility, our self-esteem is not attached to our personal traits, physical appearance, wealth, shortcomings, assets or our past. With humility, we view ourselves as equals with other human beings.

Someone who practices humility rarely feels insecure or self-conscious. They unflinchingly take credit for that which they are responsible and give credit for that which they are not. Their self-esteem is stable and they are secure with who they are. They feel no need for competition. They learn from the opinions of others, but are not shaken by them.

Practicing humility makes us teachable, and therefore wiser. It makes us better listeners and therefore more valuable friends. It allows us to examine ourselves and our personal traits without shame or judgment.

We can commit to our goals and to becoming better people, but without the humility to learn and grow, we will never achieve our potential.

WE DARE YOU TO…Ask someone close to you to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must listen without attacking them or trying to justify or make excuses for your behavior. Thank them for taking the risk to share this with you.

“Life is a long lesson in humility.”- James Matthew Barrie

DAY 37: COMMITMENT

Integrity is behaving, consistently and predictably, based on positive values, both in public as well as in private. As Gandhi put it, “One man cannot do right in one department whilst he is occupied in doing wrong in any other department. Life is one indivisible whole.”

Honesty is directly connected to integrity, and people follow leaders of integrity. What you do when no one is watching is key. Oprah Winfrey said, “Real integrity is doing the right thing, knowing that no one is going to know whether you did it or not.”

No one else may know – but you will.

WE DARE YOU TO…Show honesty today by removing anything that is hindering your relationships, any addiction or influence that’s stealing your feelings and turning your heart away from serving others. What will it take to remove this obstacle? Work to make that happen, starting today!

“The truth is the only thing worth having and, in a civilized life, like ours, where so many risks are removed, facing it is almost the only courageous thing left to do.”

- E.V. Lucas

DAY 38: HONESTY

One of the best ways to build community and serve others is by showing appreciation. Remembering to say thank you to people who may be overlooked is an important way to show selflessness and make others feel valued. This applies to people you may not always appreciate. For example, the administration in your school may shut down what you think is a fun idea because one of their highest priority goals is to keep everyone in the school safe (physically and emotionally). They don’t like to play the bad guy, but it is what they have been tasked to do. Do you appreciate them for keeping you safe?

Sometimes the people who are the hardest on us are the ones who help us grow the most. That demanding coach pushes you well past what you want to do, and because of it you get better and better at the skills and stamina required in your favorite sport. That piano teacher may criticize a lot, but you know she is helping you to learn more about music. Back in the day, my boss at MacDonald’s was awfully grumpy, but looking back I realize he opened my eyes quite a bit about how to interact positively with customers.

Who is helping you to grow?

VERBALLY THANK YOUR “TOUGHEST” TEACHER FOR THE LESSON THEY PROVIDE TODAY

Be specific about what you liked or found helpful.

“The service we render to others is really the rent we pay for our room on this earth. It is obvious that man is a traveler; that the purpose of this world is not ‘to have and to hold’ but ‘to

give and to serve’.”- Wilfred Grenfell

DAY 39: SELFLESSNESS

You have spent the last 40 days working on this Leadership CharacterDare. Each day we have asked you to challenge yourself to practice one of the eight essentials of servant leadership: patience, kindness, humility, respect, selflessness, forgiveness, honesty, or commitment. We have given you ever-harder tasks to help work your character muscles. But servant leadership is not something you do for 40 days and then stop. It is a lifelong commitment to loving, serving and leading others to the highest good.

So now what? Well, it is time for you to engage others in serving and leading. We challenge you to find a group of people who will take this leadership dare – perhaps your friends, teammates, or even family members. Talk to them about the 40 days you went through, and why it was worthwhile. Challenge them to complete a character card each week (you will learn about this tomorrow in class) with you and be more intentional with how they are going to serve at school/work and at home along with you. Use ideas from the 40 Day Character Dare each week, to make your challenges, and make tweaks and changes to keep challenging yourself. You’ll be amazed that it can be entirely different the second time around – chose a new way of completing each dare and instead of daily challenges, make a week long challenge. Meet as a group regularly and discuss how it is going, what is hard, what was eye-opening, what went really well.

After awhile you will have strengthened your leadership muscles and habits. Now what will you do to make these habits lifelong habits?

KEEP ON GROWING, STRETCHING AND DARING FOR A LIFETIME1. Recruit a small group of people to take on the leadership character dare challenge and go through

a weekly set of challenges with them.2. Create accountability partners and a system by meeting once a week to talk about how things are

going.

“Growth is a never ending processThat can be accomplished

Under the most adverse circumstances.Growth can be achievedFrom one’s attempts to…

go for the perfect try.”- Sarah Smeltzer

DAY 40: REFLECTION

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