Volume ∏ Issue ∞ 21 Jump Street, Area 51, North Korea 90210April 26, 2013

Read these, or else:

Walter Johnson Detention Facility

The Catch

Fab Feature, pg. 5

WJ Wins Award for Most Attractive School in MoCo

Photos by Sarah Schecker

Earlier this month, the Montgomery County Board for Dangerously Attractive Youths presented WJ with the

prestigious “Hotties of MoCo” Award for 2013.

Excellent

Editorial,

pg. 4

Spectacular Sports, pgs. 7-8

Awesome Arts & Ent., pg. 6

2 February 30, 1969NEWS Catchthe

DAILY DIARY OF THE EDITORS

Hugs and kisses,The Bosses Sari Amiel, Phillip Resnick and

Megan Chun

What really goes down in The Pitch? The editors tell all.

Day 1 Ms. Ellen quits. We’re finally a student-run newspaper. We’ve got this!Day 2 Watched cat videos and ordered Chipotle online.Day 3 Hid in Pitch office and ate leftover Easter candy.Day 4 Got locked in Pitch office. Was a long day.Day 5 Security heard Phillip laugh and let us out.Day 6 Phillip’s laugh still ringing in our ears. Day 7 Sporcle challenge with the Pitch class.Day 8 No drafts – they’re a week late. Oh well!Day 9 Wait, what are we even writing?!Day 10 Things getting out of control! Did the staff replace us? Paranoia begins.Day 11 Everyone quit Pitch except Izzy.Day 12 Returned to Pitch room after night of sobbing. It was empty. We left.Day 13 Sat in the Pitch office in the dark, in de-nial.Day 14 Locked in again! Fell asleep in rolly chair until building services came. (no reception this time either)Day 15 First paragraph of 1,000 word article done. Score!Day 16 Drafts arrived. Went to Quartermaine for entire class.Day 17 Edit! (my English homework)Day 18 Edit! (Izzy’s first 5 drafts)Day 19 Edit! (the first sentence of all other ar-ticles)Day 20 Had a Tetris battle with Nathaniel.Day 21 Press day! Consumed all red bulls in Gi-ant and ran around G-square for an hour.

Admin plans to erect treehouse to celebrate school landmark

By Sari Amiel

For years, stu-dents and teach-ers alike have viewed the tree that marks the border between WJ and George-town Square as a celebrated piece of nature. WJ stu-dents can almost always be spot-ted standing in its shadow, before school, at lunch and, primarily, during class. To c o m m e m o r a t e the influence this tree has had on WJ students, the administration de-cided to name it a school landmark, and placed a tree house in its branches as a monument. “This tree is a major part of WJ’s identity, more so than open lunch,” said Principal Jennifer Baker. “Many students have made new friends under its branches. Placing a tree house in it is the least the administration can do in appreciation.” The county has already approved the tree house’s construction, as a surprising number of years have gone by since WJ underwent construction or renova-tion. The county also allowed for the tree to become a part of WJ’s property, even though the area around it still belongs to the county. Following this, a safety committee inspected the blueprint of the structure, limiting the maximum capacity of the tree house to

North Korea strikes back: The nation is in shock after a drone attack on Fri., April 12 left the WJ cafeteria in ruins. The attack, ap-parently sanctioned by North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un, is the first materialization of a conflict which, until now, seemed fabricated by the country’s government in order to restore a sense of nationalism it currently lacks. “The target was chosen at random,” announced an unnamed North Korean spokesperson. “It was just a warning shot. We’re tired of being left out. No one puts North Korea in a corner.” U.S. analysts and military commanders are scram-bling to determine what steps must be taken forth-with. Yet for some reason, WJ, a suburban complex filled with entitled Bethesdian teenagers, appeared wholly unaffected by the devastating strike. In fact, many students were completely unaware that an act of war had been committed upon the sacred grounds of their learning institution. “I needed a fork for my leftover pasta because I had forgotten mine at home,” recalled senior Yasmeen Byrnes. “I had heard rumors about a cafeteria at our school, but... you know... I was never sure,” she ad-mitted. “So I asked someone for directions, and come

By Caroline Steel

three people. “This will make such a difference in my life,” said senior Maria Furman. “Now I can eat lunch in the tree house as opposed to the bathroom, since there is no space left on the first floor to eat.” Social studies teacher Mike Williams had a more skeptical opinion. “On the one hand, I would be concerned about stray cigarettes starting a fire near the tree,” said Williams, “but given that the area has become school property, no one will be able to smoke there anymore. I predict there will be a ring of students standing on the county property around the tree.”

to find... nothing! It was gone!” When asked how she felt, By-rnes answered, “It was a soul-searching moment for me.” Sophomore Eli Berger, on the other hand, was nonplussed. “I mean,” he said, “Was I sur-prised? Sure. Upset? Eh. When I found out yesterday on the morn-ing announcements, I’ll admit I did feel a bit stupid for laughing at all those Kim Jong-un memes. But ultimately, be honest: we’ll be fine without the cafeteria. We’ve still got good ‘ol Chipopo.”

Infamous WJ tree to become new student hangout hotspot

Treehouse masterpiece by Sarah Schecker, treehouse photo courtesy of Encyclopedia Brittanica

WJ’s cafeteria was reduced to a smoking pile of rubble due to a drone strike by North Korea. Not even building services, nor most students, seemed to notice.

Cafeteria destroyed, nobody notices

Explosion captured by Caroline Steel

Photo courtesy of yousukezan, Flickr

WJ is beginning construction yet again; students will benefit from a hip new place to munch on lunch.

For date, see page 2 NEWSCatchthe 3

Open lunch canceled, student riots erupt

By Claudia Nguyen

On Mon., April 8, WJ administration announced its decision to cancel open lunch and confine students to the senior hallway in an attempt to curb lunchtime littering. However, packing more stu-dents into the already crowded space has resulted in student protests disrupt-ing classes for the past two weeks. Several teachers have reported sight-ings of students sprinting down the hall with torches and pitchforks. While many staff members view the students’ reaction as extreme, those who are rioting believe their behavior to be appropriate given the situation.

“Madness? This is Sparta!” yelled a group of furious seniors brandishing Nerf guns and foam swords. Many kids have been caught attempt-ing to sneak out to Georgetown Square, resulting detention for over 98 percent of the student population. Although most students oppose the concept of limiting lunch to the senior hallway, others are cooperating in the hopes of appeasing the administration. “In order to reduce the amount of space I occupy, I have decided to remove all of my extraneous limbs,” said junior Fahed Cat. “Getting rid of my arms and legs is just a necessary sacrifice.”

Cyberstalking: Medical condition or just creepy? The cyber universe is a place full of vast knowledge, hateful Internet com-ments and cat videos. Aside from that, it is also home to many online profiles of people around the world and a few on other planets. While this may seem fine and dandy, there are people who spend their entire lives staring at cer-tain profiles. These people are known as cyberstalkers. Recently, scientists at NIH have dis-covered that this obsessive behavior is a serious medical condition called non vitam habet, which is Latin for “has no life.” Sufferers of this condition spend hours trying to get the attention of boys or girls who are way out of their league by carefully studying Facebook profiles and pretending to be other people on the Internet. Symptoms can include reduced self-esteem, gamer’s eye and believing “Dancing with the Stars” has actual stars on it. The addiction is actually widespread and affects 5,000 out of six billion peo-ple globally, all of whom live in the mid-Atlantic region. Former WJ Principal Dr. Christopher Garran has a minor case of the condition. “I wouldn’t consider myself a ‘creep-

er’ but I will admit this addiction has got the better of me,” said Garran. “I look at Ms. [Jennifer] Baker’s Facebook profile a lot because I want to see whether she’s doing a good job or not and if I need to come out of hiding-- I mean retire-ment-- to fix things.”

By Izzy Salant

Besides Garran, one out of the 2,260 students at WJ knows a family member who is friends with the brother of a per-son who struggles with the addiction. La-el (La-DASH-ull) Broseph Deon Smith III* has one of the worst cases of non vitam habet psychiatrists have ever

seen. He currently resides in his par-ents’ basement with nothing but a Mac-Book Pro, a charger, snacks and a bunch of posters of Scarlett Johansson. After a few sessions of psychiatric help, Smith overcame his denial and admitted that the illness is controlling his life. “I’ve been down here for three months,” he said. “My girlfriend dumped me around that time and I keep check-ing her Facebook profile to see how she’s enjoying life with her new boy-friend. Look at this one! It’s her and her boyfriend sitting on a beach. We used to do that, but I’m not crazy.” So far, scientists and medical experts are working as hard as they can to find a cure. However, treatment is available** and NIH recently released a statement saying, “We will not rest until non vitam habet is completely eradicated.”

* Name has been changed because it’s none of your business!** Side effects include, nausea, sinus infection, ear infections, bladder infec-tion, liver infection, eye infection, in-fection infections, knowing too much about ‘90s cartoons and most likely death. As it says on the box, “Your life wasn’t worth living anyway!”

That’s So Fetch!

After nine years of petitioning, Eng-lish teacher Joanne Reynolds success-fully added the word ‘fetch’ to the Merri-am-Webster Other Unnecessary Phrase Dictionary. Accord-ing to Reynolds, fetch is “British slang for something cool,” a phrase originated by fictional student Gretchen Wieners in the 2004 film “Mean Girls.” Reynolds was originally inspired by a personality quiz she found online, titled “Which Mean Girl Are You?” “Some random Internet person made the quiz and I thought it would be a nice break from reading ‘To Kill a Mocking-bird,’” she said. After watching the film eight times, once with her cat and seven times by herself, Reynolds decided to try and make fetch happen, a task attempted by Wieners but undermined by Regina George, the antagonist and “victimizer” of the movie. “Regina was just a huge meanie head to Gretchen,” she said. “In my ‘Plastic’ group, which includes me, Ms. Ellen and Ms. Gold, we only antagonize each other about incorrect uses of rhetorical devices to convey purpose.”

Reynolds elaborated, “Last week Ms. Gold said that the shortened syntax in this poem we read created an ‘exacer-bated’ tone. And I was like, ‘um, hello, that is most definitely an acrimoni-ous tone, because the author is feeling mean!’” ‘Fetch’ has also influenced Reynolds in the classroom. “Every time I grade essays now, I ask myself, ‘Is this fetch?’ and if so, ‘How fetch is it?’” said Reynolds. “Some APEXers may complain, but they’re just not fetch enough.” Despite her new grading policy, Reyn-olds insists that her moral character has remained fully intact. “I’m not a mean girl, as you know. I’m very, very nice.”

English teacher Joanne Reynolds founds teacher “Plastics,” totally makes “fetch” happen

By Megan Chun

Photographer almost mobbed while taking this photo: Claudia Nguyen

Don’t be fooled by their smiling faces. This mob of students is out for blood and will stop at nothing until open lunch is restored.

Creepy face found by Sarah Schecker

Severe cases of non vitam habet, such as the one shown above, often result in the afflicted indi-vidual locating your home, peeking through your window and staring deeply into your soul.

Teacher Joanne Reynolds, the genius behind the ‘fetch’ slang phenomenon, demonstrates what being the epitome of fetch truly looks like.

Fetchness captured by Sarah Schecker

4 Belated April FoolsEditorial Catchthe

Q: What’s your favorite pickup line?UpBatat

THE STAFFThe Catch, the most boring newspaper ever, is published whenever we feel like it by the students of Walter Johnson High school, 6400 Rock Spring Drive, Reykjavik, Iceland. Advertising and subscription rates are available by calling 000. Don’t expect anybody to pick up though. Editorial opinions express the views of everyone at the school, and the most controversial and politically incorrect editorials reflect the views of all of the WJ staff. The Pitch is a sorry excuse for a newspaper that

attempts to print inane and wildly inappropriate articles, and works toward providing the student body with fake information that hopefully sparks mass pandemonium and chaos.

Dashel “3 HUNNA” LewisEmily “Energizer Bunny” CosentinoIan “Flaming Ginger” MorisonPhillip “My Laugh Makes Angels Die” ResnickClaudia “Izzy’s Worst Nightmare” NguyenOnders “?” NorbergSari “Over-abrasive” Amiel

Megan “Grammar Czar” ChunBen “Dislecksick” Resnick“The Magical” Izzy SalantHope “The Pope” MarshallMelissa “Mrs. WJ” WainainaEllie “Never Comes to Press” JorlingSean “The Enforcer” Poosson

Maryland HS Journalism AwardHorrible Journalism Ethic

First Place2004-Present

Grace “In Your Face” LeslauChristine “Tetris Goddess” BersabalMichael “Kidmike” LumbukuJJ “Juicy J” HennSelma “Sneak Attack” StearnsMelissa “Sasha Fierce” WainainaAudrey “Who’s Annie?” Marek

Jeffrey RamirezSenior

Word: Nincompoop Association: “[I think of] babies sitting inside a crib.”

Definition: Simpleton, foolish.

Sidney TanJunior

Word: WhippetAssociation: “[I think of] Elmer Fudd from Looney Toons.”

Definition: Small, slender dogs used for games and racing.

Shelsey Ramos-Kotun and Emily Ohanian

Juniors

Word: FlubAssociation: “[We think of] a big woman eating at McDonalds wearing a sundress.”

Definition: To make a mess of.

Anhelina BilokonSenior

Word: PanjandramAssociation: “[I think of] MRI scans.”

Definition: A powerful personage or pretentious officer.

Mr. FinkbinderPickup King

“Do you have a library card? Because I’m checking you out.”

“If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.”

Ms. ReynoldsSenior Citizen

Ms. MacFadden Kindergarten teacher

“If you were a booger, I would pick you first.”

Mr. SaffordSpaceship Co-ordinator

“Do you work for NASA? Because you’re out of this world.”

Mr. WarthenMarried

Q: What do you think of when you hear the following word?

Columbia Scholastic Press Association- “Most likely to plagarize”

Gold Medalist

2012American Scholastic

Cookie- Cutter Layout AwardFirst Place

2010-2011

Adriana “Italiana” Del GrossoSarah “Shorter than the Tripod” ScheckerCaroline “Woman of ” SteelSabrina “Littleballofenergy” ClarkeWahid “Do you even go here?” IshrarSylvie “Hilary Jr.” Ellen

“I’ve never had to use one.”

Student Question: As journalists, we love stumbling upon new words, especially ones that sound funny. We asked students what they think of when they hear a certain word.Staff Question: We all know that our teachers live secret lives on the weekends. We asked them what their best pickup lines are when they hit the club scene. All photos by Wahid Ishrar

4 Belated April FoolsEditorial Catchthe

Q: What’s your favorite pickup line?UpBatat

THE STAFFThe Catch, the most boring newspaper ever, is published whenever we feel like it by the students of Walter Johnson High school, 6400 Rock Spring Drive, Reykjavik, Iceland. Advertising and subscription rates are available by calling 000. Don’t expect anybody to pick up though. Editorial opinions express the views of everyone at the school, and the most controversial and politically incorrect editorials reflect the views of all of the WJ staff. The Pitch is a sorry excuse for a newspaper that

attempts to print inane and wildly inappropriate articles, and works toward providing the student body with fake information that hopefully sparks mass pandemonium and chaos.

Dashel “3 HUNNA” LewisEmily “Energizer Bunny” CosentinoIan “Flaming Ginger” MorisonPhillip “My Laugh Makes Angels Die” ResnickClaudia “Izzy’s Worst Nightmare” NguyenOnders “?” NorbergSari “Over-abrasive” Amiel

Megan “Grammar Czar” ChunBen “Dislecksick” Resnick“The Magical” Izzy SalantHope “The Pope” MarshallNathaniel “Trojan Man” ReesEllie “Never Comes to Press” JorlingSean “The Enforcer” Poosson

Maryland HS Journalism AwardHorrible Journalism Ethic

First Place2004-Present

Grace “In Your Face” LeslauChristine “Tetris Goddess” BersabalMichael “Kidmike” LumbukuJJ “Juicy J” HennSelma “Sneak Attack” StearnsMelissa “Sasha Fierce” WainainaAudrey “Who’s Annie?” Marek

Jeffrey RamirezSenior

Word: Nincompoop Association: “[I think of] babies sitting inside a crib.”

Definition: Simpleton, foolish.

Sidney TanJunior

Word: WhippetAssociation: “[I think of] Elmer Fudd from Looney Toons.”

Definition: Small, slender dogs used for games and racing.

Shelsey Ramos-Kotun and Emily Ohanian

Juniors

Word: FlubAssociation: “[We think of] a big woman eating at McDonalds wearing a sundress.”

Definition: To make a mess of.

Anhelina BilokonSenior

Word: PanjandramAssociation: “[I think of] MRI scans.”

Definition: A powerful personage or pretentious officer.

Mr. FinkbinderPickup King

“Do you have a library card? Because I’m checking you out.”

“If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.”

Ms. ReynoldsSenior Citizen

Ms. MacFadden Kindergarten teacher

“If you were a booger, I would pick you first.”

Mr. SaffordSpaceship Co-ordinator

“Do you work for NASA? Because you’re out of this world.”

Mr. WarthenMarried

Q: What do you think of when you hear the following word?

Columbia Scholastic Press Association- “Most Likely to Plagarize”

Gold Medalist

2012American Scholastic

Cookie- Cutter Layout AwardFirst Place

2010-2011

Adriana “Italiana” Del GrossoSarah “Shorter than the Tripod” ScheckerCaroline “Woman of ” SteelSabrina “Littlerayofsunshine” ClarkeWahid “Do you even go here?” IshrarSylvie “Hilary Jr.” Ellen

“I’ve never had to use one.”

Student Question: As journalists, we love stumbling upon new words, especially ones that sound funny. We asked students what they think of when they hear a certain word.Staff Question: We all know that our teachers live secret lives on the weekends. We asked them what their best pickup lines are when they hit the club scene. All photos by Wahid Ishrar

5DATE GOES HERE, 2013 FEATURECatchthe

APRIL MAKE-UNDER MADNESS

It’s time for senior “Best Dressed” winner Sam Brinker to be made under, because he dresses himself too well.

By Ellie Jorling and Christine Bersabal

“[The make-under] was a transformative experience -- I’ve never looked better!”

Dumpster behind Georgetown Square10400 Old Georgetown Rd.Bethesda, Md. 20814

Where we purchased these looks:

BEFORE: AFTER:

This shirt ($19.99) adds a pop of color among dreary April showers.

The color and wild design of the graphic tee ($8.99) goes well with the shirt.

Sensible orthotic sandals ($39.99) are a must-have for all students.

The sunglasses ($17.00) and hat ($11.99) evoke a “cool guy” vibe.

Sears Westfield Montgomery Mall 7103 Democracy Blvd.Bethesda, Md. 20817

The white belt ($30.00) paired with the green pants ($17.98) stands out and completes the outfit.

All photos by Ellie Jorling

Who puts this much effort into their clothes? This needs to change.

This look is much more acceptable!

6 Sometime in April- too lazy to checkARTS & ENTERTAINMENT CATCHthe

You’re sexy, you’re fun and you have a lot of friends, but are the guys you meet still avoiding you like the plague? Whether the guy of your dreams put you in the friend zone, or does not even know you exist, these steps will work all the same. Land the guy you want with this “MANual.” Step one: Get his attention, then keep it. Try to learn more about what he is interested in so you have more in common to talk about. Wear a little bit of makeup and try to play up your appear-ance. Once you have caught his eye, the most impor-tant part is to keep his attention. Guys pretend they don’t like constant attention, but that is all an act. He likes to know what you are doing at all times. When you wake up, call him. After breakfast, give him an-other ring. If he doesn’t answer,consider it a test to see if you care about him enough to keep calling or a trap for you to leave voicemails so he is always able to hear your voice at the push of a button. Throughout the day, send him texts that update him on everything you are doing, everything you are thinking and everything you are eating so it will be like he is there with you. Don’t be selfish; ask him what he is doing as well. Make sure you always pretend you are interested in what he is up to, and ask him who he is with, what he is doing and, of course, if he is thinking about you. Step two: Love yourself... a lot. In order for someone else to love you, you have to love yourself first. Try working out a little bit, making new friends and trying new hobbies and other confidence boosting activities. After you have boosted your own confidence, make sure you let your man know it. Ask him if you look pretty whenever you see him. Don’t go overboard, though; seven times an hour should be the maximum. Don’t give him the idea you’re fat by asking him if your butt looks big in your new jeans; instead, ask him if your clothes show off your banging body. If he does not compliment you on a consistent basis, call him out on it; guys love when you assume control. Another option is to ask him if he likes every outfit you wear around him. This will ensure he knows you are fit, slim and sexy but, most importantly, con-fident. Don’t be arrogant; instead, judge every other girl that you walk past. Accuse him of being attracted to them, so he will confirm and be reminded that you are the best catch out there. Telling others about how amazing you are is a great way to make conversation and doesn’t count as being arrogant, as long as you give the other person a compliment somewhere in the conversation. Even a backhanded compliment will do. Step three: Get REALLY close to his friends Guys want a girlfriend they can talk to and hang out with while still being themselves. One of the best ways to achieve that sort of relationship with your man is to hang out with his friends. When he is going to hang out with the guys, ask if you can tag along. In order to get in good with his friends, you should flirt with them. Constantly. Make sure you touch their arms when you are talking to them, make eye contact, flip your hair and laugh. Then, when you are with your guy, make sure you talk about just how nice his guy friends are. Be careful your guy knows he is still the one you are interested in and hang all over him when you are with your friends. Your girlfriends will love that. Sit on his lap, hold his hands and bury your face into his neck. Bring up all of your past relationships. Make sure he knows you have been in other relationships, and those guys are still interested in you. Tell him about all of the other guys who are interested in you as well, to ensure he knows you are desirable. Guys want what other guys want. If you make sure to follow these steps, your guy will end up following YOU around like a puppy. Just be original, be confident and remember, the most im-portant thing is just to have fun!

By Emily Cosentino

After a $1.1 billion drop in sales from 2011 to 2012, de-partment store J.C. Penney has decided to bring in a clothing expert to design a new line in order to boost

sales. The expert? Social studies teacher and APEX co-ordinator Nathan Schwartz. The line? Blazers. Schwartz was happy but not surprised by his ap-pointment as chief blazer designer. “I own over 50 different blazers of all different brands, colors and styles,” said Schwartz. “It’s about time they realized my prowess regarding this piece of clothing.” The suffering department store released a statement saying that Schwartz “shows impeccable taste in the simple statement piece, and we need his expertise in this area to appeal to the expanding market of male history teachers nationwide.” “Blazers are great,” said Schwartz. “They’ve always been a part of my wardrobe-I even wore them as a kid.

Sure, I was teased, but look at me now. I’m designing them for one of the largest department stores in the world.” Schwartz has already begun to design in the seclu-sion of his office while supposedly planning for his AP U.S. History classes. His designs include blazers for teaching, teacher’s union meetings and the occasional formal event.

There are many ex-pertly composed photo styles out there, and the most sophisticated of them is the selfie. These self-taken pho-tographs, usually done with an iPhone or other

mediocre-quality camera phone, take many different forms. For example, my personal favorite is one which is taken in a dirty bathroom mirror with toiletries lit-tering the counter. Preferably the subject’s eyes should be looking down at the screen of the camera or phone. Another adorable selfie is pretending to be “candid” by looking in a different direction than the camera and pretending to laugh. As an avid selfie-taker, I know for a fact you are guaranteed at least three Instagram likes for this kind of photo. Instagram, and other photo-editing apps, are invaluable tools for taking a selfie, allowing teens to make collages, add distracting vin-tage-style effects and edit away their acne and the bags under their eyes until they are unrecognizable.

Another recommended favorite is the “look cutely up at the camera,” achieved by holding the camera far above your head and looking up at it with a cute and innocent look on your face. Earbuds, earbuds, earbuds. These are classy and fun accessories guaranteed to add originality to any selfie. Use the white Apple brand ones you received with your iPhone to show off the fact you own an iPhone, or shake things up with colored ones to be special. An added bonus is if the selfie is taken using a mirror so that it shows what the earbuds are plugged into. Depending on the style of the selfie, different facial expressions can be made. But for a truly perfect selfie, you should squint your heavily made-up eyes really small and push your lips together and out to create a classic: the duck-face.

so they will like you. (Side effects include slight risk of catching fire. Not recommended for smokers.)

Dove I know what you’re thinking: “A clean, fresh-smell-

This is the newest style of perfume to mix and match, designed to make you as attrac-tive as possible. These classic companies have each contributed a spe-

cialized scent to this line, exclusively for Overpriced Bandwagon Boutique. These are limited editions so hurry and buy them before they are gone!

Pizza Hut This new scent is proven to attract guys! What girl doesn’t want the special smell of pizza to accompany her everywhere? It’s not limited to one topping either. Vegetarian? We’ve got broccoli pizza! Want to be on the exotic side? I hear Hawaiian pizza’s a real bargain. And of course there’s the popular pepperoni if you’re feeling spicy. (Side effects include unusually strong cravings.)

Jiffy Lube Nothing can compare to the scent of gasoline per-manently embedded in your clothes after a day at NASCAR or Formula 1. Now, you can carry that smell with you every day. This perfume smells like premium gasoline, because that is exactly what it is. However, it comes in a little spray bottle, so naturally it’s about $70 more expensive. Now, whenever a guy smells you, he’ll immediately think of engines! Guys like engines,

The Scent of Desperation

By Audrey Marek ing person? What guy is going to want that?” Don’t worry; we haven’t gone mainstream on you. The Dove company has created certain scents they use to test the effectiveness of their soap against strong odors. One of these is sweat, as would be found un-der the armpits of any athlete in any sport. Bandwagon Boutique has kindly diluted it for you, but not too much! Now, whenever you approach your person of desire, they will immediately be reminded of athleticism and en-thusiasm! (Side effects include people moving away from you on the bus.) Overpriced Bandwagon Bou-tique will even sell you an exclu-sive deal, and give you all three of these original perfumes for the price of one! (That price is $300.)

Schwartz starts blazer line

for J.C. PenneyBy Ellie Jorling

How to take the perfect selfieBy Selma Stearns

Catch your crush and keep him

These two styles of gorgeous, perfect and photogenic selfies are modeled by Selma Stearns.

It’s written on the bottles, guys. Come on.

“The blazers in my line come in navy and black, but mostly beige, and are perfectly paired with a dress shirt and a pair of jeans. Dress pants are only ap-propriate for formal events,” Schwartz added. Schwartz’s blazer line will be available at J.C. Penney stores nationwide as soon as he decides to grade the DBQs from the last AP U.S. History unit tests.

Schwartz’s blazers are tailored to perfection for every customer.

All Selfies by Selma Stearns

Photo courtesy of Britannica

Graphics by Emily Cosentino

ety of game-changing options, such as using the Katniss/Peeta strategy or sim-ply using senior class president Facun-do’s inherent charm and good looks. At the same time, juniors are overlooked as true threats, which will allow them to strike when other classes aren’t pre-

pared. Plus, the junior class has an unfair advantage in Bobby Ellett’s unbearable kindness. Sophomores don’t have any real strengths or weaknesses, so they’ll prob-ably just linger around until the halfway point. Whatever the outcome, it is sure to be an exciting

Hunger Games! May the odds be ever in your favor.

7Look at a calendar SPORTSCatchthe

Due to overpopulation at WJ, admin-istration announced that, in addition to the current nine spring sports offered, Principal Jennifer Baker has authorized a school-wide Hunger Games competi-tion to reduce the number of students. The game will feature four teams, one for each grade, and the grade that wins will be allowed to remain at WJ, while the rest will be sent to Churchill. Be-cause of the uneven number of students in each grade, Baker said that only class offi-cers will participate and rep-resent their class. The announcement was posted on the school’s website, along with the following rules: All 16 players of the games are to report to the gym on Saturday. In the center of the gym shall

be a cornucopia of weaponry that the school board allows, including, but not limited to, rulers, sharp pencils, scis-sors and assorted sports equipment. On the count of 10, all students shall be set free, and from there on out there are no rules aside from “kill or be killed,” and

all doors to the outside will be locked. The entire event will be live-streamed on the dailylineup.com and every time a student is slain the late bell will ring.

Generic Promposal AdvertisementHey you! Need a prom date? Use this completely personalized

ad to ask your last minute backup date to prom!

Dear _________, Roses are red, violets are blue, I don’t have a prom date and neither do you. So what do you say?

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With moderate affection,______________

Teachers will be able to provide their fa-vorite students with supplies. Preliminary odds favor the seniors winning at 2:1, followed by the juniors. All the experts have predicted the, freshmen to be early exits in this years tournament, citing their lack of knowl-

edge on the layout of the school and their overall physical disadvantage. Seniors have the strategic advantage of the senior hallway, as well as a vari-

”“ All the experts have predicted the freshmen to be

early exits, citing their lack of knowledge on the lay-out of the school and overall physical disadvantage.

WJ’s newest spring sport: the SGA Hunger GamesTo combat overcrowding, administration introduces competition between class

officers to decide which grade will stayBy Anders Norberg

2:1Preliminary odds favoring

the senior class

7Number of times Senior Class

President Facundo Severi had to be reminded that this wasn’t a

filmed scene for the homecoming movie

$0The amount of money expected to be generated, because in con-junction with MCPS policy, gam-bling on school events or activi-ties is prohibited (MCPS Student

Rights and Responsibilities)

$5Cost of admission for spec-

tators, unless they have a spring season pass

DeportesTODAY8

What’s Inside?

From state semifinals to scoliosis

As the field hockey team made their memorable run to the state semifinals, “fockey” fever was abundant through-out WJ. Although it was a fantastic run, there were some negatives that came out of the long season. Many of the star field hockey players, due to overtrain-ing, became stuck in a hunch-like posi-tion. “I am very concerned for my players’ health,” said head coach Erika Murray. “Walking around all day in that position must be very painful for them.” With the departure of head athletic trainer Karina Bond before this season, the team had no one to give them their

Publicity event for girls’ basket-ball is a slam dunk layup

Girls’ varsity basketball recently hosted a celebrity layup contest to raise awareness and interest about the sport of girls’ basketball. The team decided to host the event after their average atten-dance dipped to a record low. “I think people don’t appreciate how exciting our sport is and how captivat-ing it is to watch,” said senior captain Megan Spurrell. Spurrell was arguably the team’s most exciting player last season, averaging almost three layups a game, helping the team earn the nick-name “Layup City”. The event was judged by girls’ var-sity basketball head coach Lindsay Ze-gowitz as well as a few girls’ basketball alumni. The scoring was based on form, height of the jump, execution of making the basket and overall excitement of the play. Participants spiced up the compe-tition by attempting lefty-layups, one-handed layups, and even a few alley-oop layups. However, the event was marred by senior boys’ varsity basketball stand-out Michael Lumbuku, who on one of his layup attempts grabbed the rim, and was subsequently disqualified and booed out of the gym. “All in all, I think the event was very successful,” said Zegowitz, who believes people will start to respect girls’ bas-

WJ’s athletes in waiting Each year high school athletic teams must face saying goodbye to their star seniors and rebuild with young play-ers from JV. Often times, high school coaches will scout out young athletes at the JV level and even sometimes at the middle school level in order to pre-pare for upcoming seasons. This season, coaches have dedicated much time to the scouting of young players, and as a result have found a lot of young talent at the pre-school and elementary level. The best of coaches are able to identi-fy talent from a very young age, and our very own WJ coaches have been excel-lent at this as of late. Boys’ soccer coach Mike Williams, after a recent trip to Wyngate Elementary School, returned to WJ thrilled to report about Jake Sey-more, a 3’11’’ second grader who has played soccer since Kindergarten. Seymore impressed after lunch when all the kids enjoyed their half hour of recess. Though his small stature makes kicking the soccer ball somewhat trou-blesome, coach Williams believes Sey-more showed great potential. He was

described to posess lightning speed, as well as a true eye for goal. Seymore currently plays for the MSI Mean Green Wizards, a prominent local rec soccer team, where last season he scored 11 goals and received the “Most Improved Player” award at the team’s end of the season barbecue. Switching to the other kind of foot-ball, head football coach Jon Kadi may have found the lineman he’s been search-ing for. Spencer Yost, a fourth grader at Luxmanor Elementary has been demol-ishing the RFL Peewee Football League over the past few years, dominating both the offensive and defensive lines. Yost already weighs in at an astound-ing 68 pounds and runs a blazing 6.82 40 yard-dash. His coaches describe him as “a workout warrior and a bull in the trenches.” They may be young, but these two athletes will be the ones carrying WJ’s athletic hopes a few years down the road.

ketball as a sport. Other sports at WJ, including but not limited to baseball, soccer and field hockey, are trying to organize similar events to foster more interest in their respective sports.

daily massages to cope with their acute-scoliosis, a common medical occur-rence in high school field hockey play-ers. Murray has talked to yoga teacher Janice Cornell to see if she can teach the team a few poses to help strengthen their cores and backs. “These girls really need to see some-one to help restore their back strength,” said Murray. The upcoming season will feature tough games against rivals B-CC and Wootton, but coach Murray is more concerned with the health of her ath-letes’ backs.

Spurrell watches one of her layups enter the hoop during the competition. The event drew a few dozen spectators and taught a lot of students about how exciting girls’ basket-ball can be.

By Ian Morrison

These are the faces of WJ athletics...in 10 years. Coaches have begun scouting athletes from WJ’s feeder elementary schools to ensure that their programs will continue their success into the future.

Photo by Sarah Schecker

Photo by Sarah Schecker

By Phillip Resnick

Field hockey players Anna Rowthorn and Mackenzie Johnson struggle to make their way around the hallways at school. Their exprience in field hockey has left them with irreparable spine damage.

By Ben Resnick

Photos courtesy of Flickr.com