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The Bully, The Bullied & the Bystander. By Timber Monteith & Laura Cowan. Definition. “Bullying occurs when a student is repeatedly harmed, psychologically and/or physically, by another student (person) or a group of students (people) ” ( Olweus , 1993) . - PowerPoint PPT Presentation
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The Bully, The Bullied & the Bystander
By Timber Monteith & Laura Cowan
Definition
“Bullying occurs when a student is repeatedly harmed, psychologically and/or physically, by
another student (person) or a group of students (people)” (Olweus, 1993).
Scenes from a Typical Bulling SituationAct I – Survey the Landscape
Bully – surveys the playground or hallway, identifies a target, looks to see if any adults are paying attention
Bullied – unaware he/she is being observedBystanders –laughing & enjoying one another’s
company
Act II – Test RunThe Bully – may brush up against the target as if
by accident, observes the reaction from the bullied and the bystanders, may use crude and hurtful names
The Bullied – may react with a shrug, is uneasy and feels fear in his/her gut, doesn’t know what to do
The Bystander – may either look away or laugh (giving support and approval to the bully)
Act III - ActionBully – may shove the target and view him/her
as an object of ridicule, not as an equalBullied – may blame him/herself for being
attacked, feels powerless, may try to rationalize that the bully really doesn’t mean to cause any harm
Bystanders – some may move away & feel guilty for not stopping the bullying. Others may join in and taunt the target. Depersonalization & desensitization.
Act IV - EmboldenedBully – may finds new opportunities to taunt & torment;
feels more powerful as he/she gains control over victimBullied – may spend class time trying to figure out way
to avoid bully; cannot concentrate on schoolwork; gets physically sick; makes excuses to avoid playground, bathroom, lunchroom, etc…; feels hopeless & helpless
Bystanders – may break into two camps: one group stays clear of bully & confrontation; second group joins in the bullying. Both fear the bully & rationalize the target had it coming & is outside their circle of caring; glad it’s not them
Act V – Pinnacle of Pain Bully – may continue to torment & hurt target with increased
viciousness; may become labeled a bully; fails to develop healthy relationships; may not feel empathy towards victim; views self as powerful & well liked; sense of entitlement
Bullied – may slump further into depression & rage – angry with self, bully, bystanders, & adults who wouldn’t or couldn’t help; also feels pressure & shame because now struggling academically; spends time thinking of ways to get revenge; might join other “undesirables” who plot revenge; withdraws further into isolation & exile
Bystanders- may remain fearful of bully & blame target for being a victim; join the bullying; shrug shoulders as do not see others intervening; see no need to stop it
Act VI - FinaleBully – might grow up with poor sense of self,
stunted social skills, aggressive; may become a bully in personal, social, & work relationships; continue cycle of violence; may move onto criminal activities
Bullied – may do whatever he/she can to get rid of the pain (often results in pent-up rage exploding into violent aggression)
Bystander – may either get caught in the crossfire, grow up guilt-ridden for not doing anything, or become desensitized to bullying
A Typical Bullying Scenario with a Not So Typical
Ending
Four Commonalities of Bullying
1. Imbalance of PowerOlderBiggerStrongerMore verbally adeptHigher up on social ladderDifferent raceOpposite sexGroup or gang mentality
Four Commonalities of Bullying
2. Intent to HarmEmotional painPhysical painExpects the action to hurtTakes pleasure in witnessing the hurtNot an accident, not playful teasing, not a slip of the
tongue
Four Commonalities of Bullying
3. Threat of Further AggressionBoth bully & bullied know the bullying can probably
occur againIf support is not sought or received or if it is not dealt
with appropriately, the bullying may not be a one time event.
Four Commonalities of Bullying
When bullying escalates…4th element is added:TERROR
Bullying is systematic violence used to intimidate and maintain dominance
Bully acts without fear of retaliation or recriminationBullied rendered so powerless that unlikely to fight
back or tell anyone about it.
3 Main Types of Bullying1. Verbal – words are powerful tools to break the spirit of
a child at the receiving end. This includes starting & spreading rumors
2. Physical – most readily identifiable, but accounts for less than 1/3 of bullying incidents
3. Non-verbal – ignoring, isolating, excluding, shunning. At it’s most powerful during middle school years as young teens are trying to figure out who they are & trying to fit in with their peers.
What Bullies have in Common
Dominate other peopleUse other people to get what they wantFind it hard to see a situation from another
person’s vantage pointAre concerned with only their own wants &
pleasures, and not the needs, rights & feelings of others
Tend to hurt others when adults are not around
What Bullies have in Common
View weaker siblings and peers as preyUse blame, criticism & false allegations to
project their own inadequacies onto their targetRefuse to accept responsibility for their actionsLack foresightCrave attentionRole models often use aggression
What Bullies have in Common
It’s not the bully we dislike, it’s the behavior that we do not like. Bullies are often acting out in an unhealthy manner the pain they
are feeling.
Kids take after adult role models:
Teasing vs. TauntingTeasing:
Teaser and person teased can easily swap roles No intention of hurting anyone Maintains basic dignity of everyone involved It is meant for both parties to laugh Is only a small part of activities shared by kids Is innocent in motive Is discontinued should someone become upset or objects
to the teasing Teasing is necessary part of socializing & building
relationships Flirtation
Teasing vs. TauntingTaunting:
Based on imbalance of power and is one-sided Is intended to harm Involves humiliation, cruel, demeaning, or bigoted
comments thinly disguised as a joke Includes laughter directed at the target, not with the target Is meant to diminish the self-worth of the target Includes fear of further taunting and can be prelude to
physical bullying Continues especially when targeted kid becomes distressed
or objects to the taunts Sexual harassment
The Bullied are often kids who:
Are the new kids on the block Youngest in the school Have been traumatized by other life events Are submissive & lack self-confidence Have behaviors others find annoying Are unwilling or unable to stand up for themselves Are shy, reserved, quiet and unassuming Are rich or poor Whose race, ethnicity, religion, or sexual orientation are viewed
by the bully as inferior, deserving of contempt
The Bullied are often kids who:
Are bright, talented, gifted and ‘stand out’Expresses emotions easilyAppear physically different from norms of age groupwear braces or glassesHave acne or another skin conditionHave physical attributes that are different from the
majorityHave a physical or mental disability
Kids who are bullied often do not tell anyone about it because:
They are ashamed of being bulliedThey are afraid of retaliationThey don’t think anyone can helpThey don’t think anyone will helpThey believe the lie that it’s okay because bullying is
part of growing upThey believe that adults are part of the lie, since it is
not only kids who are bullying themThe have learned that “ratting” on a bully is not cool
So Now What?
What can we do if a child says he/she is
being bullied?
A few do’s if your child is bullied
Say “I hear you, I am here for you, I believe you, you are not alone in this”
Validate your child’s feelingsHelp your child see that it is not his/her faultTalk with your child about an effective planReport bullying to the schoolHelp your child develop a strong sense of self.
A few don’ts if your child is bullied
Do not minimize, rationalize, or explain the bully’s behavior
Do not rush to solve the problem for your childDo not tell your child to avoid the bully unless
physical safety is an issueDo not tell your child to fight backDo not confront the bully or the bully’s parents
alone.
Remember! Bystanders can be part of the problem or part of the solution
No Innocent Bystanders Followers/Henchmen – take active part but do not start the
bullying Supporters – support bullying but do not take active part Passive Supporters – who like bullying but do not display
open support Disengaged onlookers – watch what happens, but do not
take a stand Possible Defenders – do not like bullying and think they
should help out, but don’t Defenders of the Target – do not like bullying and try to help
What can you do at home to prevent bullying?
Parents give their kids 6 critical life messages every day I believe in you I trust you I know you can handle life situations You are listened to You are cared for You are very important to me
THESE MESSAGES HELP CHILDREN TO BUFFER THE POSSIBLE IMPACTS OF A BULLY, OR FROM THE NEED TO BECOME A BULLY!
What can you do at home to prevent bullying?
Listen to your child with an open mindCreate opportunities for your child to talk about
their livesSpend time with one another (Family Dinners!)
Each person talks about best, worst, & funniest part of the day.
What can you do if your child bullies?
1). Intervene immediately with discipline – the goals should be to instruct, teach, guide, and help your child become self-disciplinedShow child that he/she has done something wrong
(don not mince words)Give child ownership of the problem – no excusesGive child a process to solve the problem he/she
createdLeave dignity intact (child is not a bad person, but the
act of bullying was not that of a caring, responsible person
Find out why and what triggered this behavior
What can you do if your child bullies?
2). Create opportunities to “do good”3). Nurture empathy4). Teach friendship skills (assertive, respectful, &
peaceful ways to deal with others)5). Closely monitor your child’s TV viewing, video
game playing, computer activities, & music6). Engage in more constructive, entertaining, &
energizing activities
Warning Signs your child is being bullied
Abrupt lack of interest in school or refusal to go to schoolTakes an unusual route to schoolGrades dropWithdraws from family & school activitiesHungry after school, saying he/she lost lunch moneyTaking parents’ money and making lame excuses to
where it wentHeads straight to the bathroom when gets home from
school
Warning Signs Is sad, sullen, angry, or scared after receiving a phone call
or emailDoes something out of characterUses derogatory or demeaning language when talking
about peersStops talking about peers and everyday activitiesHas physical injuries not consistent with explanationHas disheveled, torn, or missing clothingHas stomachaches, headaches, panic attacks, is unable to
sleep, sleeps too much, is exhausted
Take a Stand Against Bullies!
HomeworkHave a conversation with your child about
bullying. An information sheet containing the do’s &
don’t’s of bullying, and some questions to ask your child is attached.
Resources and Bibliography
Coloroso, B. (2002). The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander. Toronto: HarperCollins Publishers.
Thompson, M. (2002). Mom, They’re Teasing Me; Helping your child solve social problems. New York: Ballantine Books.
Thompson, M. (2001). Best Friends, Worst Enemies; Understanding the social lives of children. New York: Ballantine Books.
Garbarino, J. & deLara, E. (2002). And Words Can Hurt Forever. New York: Free Press.
Bonds, M. & Stoker, S. (2000). Bully Proofing Your School. Longmont, CO: Sopris West.
Beane, A. (1999). Bully Free Classroom. Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit Publishing.
http://www.bullying.org/