The Best DaddyBy Shel Silverstein 

Notes on this selection:This is a purely RT piece because there really isn’t much room for movement, but that said, it’s a great piece for a guy and a girl with some truly funny lines scattered throughout.

Note: This script can be either for either sex to play either role. You can even change the script’s title to “The Best Mommy”. 

INTRODUCTION

LISA:    Okay?

DAD:     A little further.

LISA:    Here? Can I open my eyes?

DAD:     Hold my arm.

LISA:    I’m going to bump into it.

DAD:     You won’t bump into anything. Keep your eyes closed. Now hold my arm, a couple more steps here.

LISA:    Can I look now?

DAD:     All right…open your eyes right…now. Actor 1:  Sarcasm is an interesting verbal technique, often lost on the young . . . . In this scene by Shel Silverstein, we meet Lisa and her father on one of the most exciting days of the year for any child . . . her birthday. Actor 2:  Unfortunately, this birthday surprise is a little more than little Lisa has bargained for . . . Together:  The Best Daddy by Shel Silverstein  BEGIN LISA:    Is that him, there?

DAD:     That’s right.

LISA:    Why is he covered with a blanket?

DAD:     Well, he…

LISA:    He doesn’t look like a pony.

DAD:     Well he is, a thoroughbred gelding 350-dollar Shetland pony.

LISA:    Is he laying down?

DAD:     Um yes. He certainly is.

LISA:   Why is he laying down? Is he sick?

DAD:     Pure strain Kentucky-bred Shetland. Best that money can buy.

LISA:    Why is he laying down?

DAD:   Lisa…I didn’t want to tell you this…

LISA:    Why is he laying down? He IS sick, isn’t he?

DAD:   Actually no, he’s not – at least not now.

LISA: Then what is he.

DAD: He’s dead.

LISA:    He…he’s dead?

DAD:     It’s a terrible thing to have to tell your daughter on her birthday, but, yes, he’s dead.

LISA:   Dead? A dead pony?

DAD:     Sometimes you just have to face the facts.

LISA:    You…you got me a dead pony for my birthday present?

DAD:     No! I didn’t get you a dead pony for your birth…

LISA:    (cutting him off) Then what happened to him?

DAD:     Lisa, I’m going to be honest with you…

LISA:    (growing hysterical) What happened to my pony?!

DAD:     You’re thirteen years old now and I’m going to talk to you like an adult.

LISA:    What happened to my pony?!!

DAD:     I shot him.

LISA:   (pause) Y-you shot him?

DAD:     About an hour ago, but hear me out…

LISA:    Y-you shot my pony? You…you shot my birthday pony?

DAD:     I told you not to get excited, didn’t I? Answer me, did I or didn’t I not say, “Don’t get too excited…”

LISA:    You put a cap in my pony and I’m NOT supposed to get excited?!

DAD:     I did not “put a cap” in your pony. He wasn’t your pony when I shot him. You didn’t even know he existed. He was just A pony.

LISA: You shot a random pony? What was it – a drive-by?

DAD: Don’t be ridiculous – I knew exactly who I was shooting.

LISA:    Well, what did he do wrong?

DAD:   He bit me.

LISA: So you SHOT him?!

DAD: It hurt!

LISA:    But you didn’t have to shoot him. Couldn’t you just have lectured him sternly – wagged a finger in his face? He’s only a little pony! He didn’t know what he was doing.

DAD: I’m fairly sure he did.

LISA: What did he do that he deserved to be shot for? Did he cackle evilly after he bit you?!

DAD:  You weren’t there, you don’t know the situation.

LISA:  I know this. I’m thirteen years old today and you gave me a dead pony for my birthday.

DAD:   I told you, he bit me.

LISA:    But you gave him to me anyway. You took me out here to show me a dead pony!

DAD:     Well, I thought about that. I thought, well, if I take her out here and show her a dead pony that will upset her, but if I don’t give her ANYTHING she’ll think I forgot her birthday.

LISA:    What could be worse than getting a dead pony for your birthday?

DAD: Two dead ponies?

LISA: Daddy!

DAD:   Listen now, someday you’ll have children of your own. I never shot a pony before. I want you to believe that, never in my life before today.

LISA:    You hated my pony, you always hated him.

DAD:   I didn’t always hate him, I didn’t even know him.

LISA:    You did. You hated him because you knew I loved him.

DAD:     When I saw him I liked him, he was cute.

LISA:    (she will act all of this out) You knew he loved me and he could show his feelings and you couldn’t stand that. Oh no ‘cause you could never love anyone. You’re all bottled up. You keep all your feelings all bottled up. And he could show his love. He could swish his tail and toss his head, and lick my hand when I gave him sugar. And late at night when I’d ride him bareback through the gray mountains…

DAD:     You never rode him – I just bought him…

LISA:    You didn’t know that. I used to sneak out late at night when you thought I was sleeping. I’d climb out of my bedroom window and I’d run to the pasture…

DAD:     Pasture? What pasture? We live in the suburbs.

LISA:    And he’d smell my scent and come galloping toward me, and I’d leap onto his back, and we’d go galloping over the moonlit moor…

DAD:     Moonlit moor?

LISA: …with the wind in my hair. And now he’s dead. You killed my pony. You killed Black Thunder.

DAD:     Black Thunder?

LISA:    You killed the only thing I ever loved.

DAD:     I didn’t.

LISA:    You did.

DAD:     I didn’t

LISA:    You did. You said you did.

DAD:     APRIL FOOL!

LISA:    April Fool? But, but it’s not April, it’s my birthday.

DAD:     BIRTHDAY FOOL!

LISA:    You mean Black Thunder’s not dead? Then what is under that blanket?

DAD:     Not “what” but “who.”

LISA:    Wh-who? Wh-who’s under there?

DAD:     Three guesses.

LISA:    I…I don’t know. You’re cruel. You’re the cruelest daddy in the whole world.

DAD:     Three guesses.

LISA:    A…a candy bar?

DAD:   Get serious – a candy bar the size of a pony? Uh-uh

LISA:    A…a turtle, a bit gigantic turtle?

DAD:     Nope, two down, one to go.

LISA:    A…a…a rubber raft?

DAD:     (buzzer sound) aaaaaaaaaa. Nope. Thanks for playing.

LISA:    What then, what is it?

DAD:     It’s your sister!

LISA:    What?

DAD:     It’s your big, fat sister!

LISA:    Cathy? It’s Cathy?

DAD:     Big, fat Cathy!

LISA:    Are you insane?! You shot my little sister!

DAD:     Not exactly.

LISA:    Not exactly? What? The pony shot her?!

DAD:     Of course the pony didn’t shoot her. There IS no pony. Really, you need to keep up. It’s a…what…it’s Cathy’s body.

LISA:    Cathy’s body?

DAD:     SHE’S the one that bit me.

LISA:    And you shot her for it?

DAD:     Kid had teeth like a wild, savage grizzly.

LISA: Whatever happened to spanking? Whatever happened to being grounded? Whatever happened to endless boring lectures? Did you HAVE to give her a permanent time out?!

DAD: It seemed the thing to do at the time – beside, you have another one.

LISA:  Let me get this straight. You gave me my dead sister’s body for a birthday present? First you tell me my pony is dead, and now you tell me you shot my favorite sister?

DAD: Was she REALLY your favorite? Personally, I thought she was just “okay”.

LISA: You are the cruelest, meanest most vicious…

DAD: I thought this would make you feel better about the pony.

LISA: Psycho-Dad! Why would I possibly want a dead body – sister or not – for a birthday present?

DAD: It makes a nifty paper weight.

LISA: (grabbing her head) Aaaaaahhhh!!

DAD:     DOUBLE APRIL FOOL!!

LISA:    Double April Fool?

DAD: DOUBLE April fool!

LISA: (Falling to the floor whimpering) I thought you loved me.

DAD:     Of course I love you. Even better - it’s not your sister. I wouldn’t shoot your fat little sister. You get three more guesses!

LISA:    (Crying) I’m not guessing anymore. You ruined my birthday. You’re a mean, cruel.

DAD: You sure you don’t want to guess?

LISA: I want my sister to come riding through here on my pony and trample you into oatmeal! (collapses again)

DAD:     That’s not very nice – especially for someone who bought you a motorcycle.

LISA: (slowly looking up) a what?

DAD: A motorcycle

LISA: The one I’ve wanted forever?

DAD: That would be it.

LISA: The one I would have sold fat, sister Cathy for?

DAD: The same

LISA:    (hopefully) The Honda?

DAD:     Uh-huh.

LISA:    The red one?

DAD:     Uh-huh.

LISA:    Really and truly?

DAD:  Mmm-hmmm.

LISA:  (gets up – a hug would be a nice touch) Oh Daddy. Daddy, you’re the bestest daddy in the whole wide world! I think you’re criminally insane, but you’re still the best.

DAD: I know - and you know what the big bonus is?

LISA: (horrified) You didn’t throw in the dead pony and the dead sister did you?

DAD: Nope. Now the next time you lie to your Mom and I about sneaking out of the house at night, you’ll think twice.

LISA: (BIG PAUSE) Oh. You know about that.

DAD: Happy birthday sweetheart.

LISA: (Sheepish) Thank you, Daddy.

The end.