TERRY PRATCHETT’S The Amazing Maurice and his Educated …

TERRY PRATCHETT’SThe Amazing Maurice and his Educated Rodents

by Matthew HolmesAN A&C BLACK MUSICAL FOR SCHOOLS

LYRICSclick on the song titles below to navigate through the document

Tell them a tale

Call the Rat Catchers

We stand as one

Pipe the rat

Trap disposal squad The Rat King’s song

Tell them a tale * RepriseSomething’s going down in this town

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TERRY PRATCHETT’S THE AMAZING MAURICE AND HIS EDUCATED RODENTS BY MATTHEW HOLMES • LYRIC DISPLAYS © 2011 A&C BLACK

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Tell them a tale 2 19


Intro [the Clan Rats join in with finger clicks]

All:Stay for a while, Our story will make you smile, Come and meet my amazing friend. Cat with a plan, A money for nothing scam And the gold just around the bend. We go town to town, It’s a free show, scurry round Till the people pay the piper for his tune.

Chorus Tell them a tale of rats, We’re educated rodents, that’s a fact, And an amazing cat, It’s such a crazy act, Tell them a tale.

Shine all your claws, And practise your squeaks and gnaws, Making sure each platoon prepares. Time to move in, The screams and the shouts begin, Let them see rat runs ev’rywhere. We go town to town, It’s a free show, scurry round Till the people pay the piper for his tune.

Chorus Tell them a tale of rats, We’re educated rodents, that’s a fact, And an amazing cat, It’s such a crazy act, Tell them a tale.

Peaches and Dangerous Beans together, longingly: Some day we may find a place of our own, Somewhere just for rats, No more dogs and cats.

Maurice: [spoken, holding up his money bags] What! And break up a beautiful partnership?

Final chorus, all: Tell them a tale of rats, We’re educated rodents, that’s a fact, And an amazing cat, It’s such a crazy act, Tell them a tale, Tell them a tale, Tell them a tale, Tell them a tale.

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Trap disposal squad 3 20


Join the trap disposal squad, It’s a very dang’rous job, You must use your head Or you’ll soon be dead In the trap disposal squad.

Join the trap disposal squad, If you’re fearless or you’re odd, Just a small mistake It’s the last you’ll make In the trap disposal squad.

Stay alert, stay alert, With a little luck you won’t be badly hurt, Never fear, never fear, Lose your tail, your nose, or maybe just an ear.

Join the trap disposal squad, It’s a very dang’rous job, Always hesitate, never take the bait In the trap disposal squad.

Spoken (solo rat rapper):We fight dogs, we chase cats, Ain’t no trap can stop the rats, Got no plague, got no fleas We drink poison, we steal cheese, Mess with us, you will see We might widdle in your tea. [All point to the audience.]

Hamnpork: Darktan, inspect the troops! [Darktan and Hamnpork stand to one side. The Clan Rats march around in a circle during the next section of the song, each saluting to Darktan as they pass him.]

Stay alert, stay alert, With a little luck you won’t be badly hurt, Don’t be sad, don’t be sad, If the Bone Rat taps you on the shoulder, lad.

Hamnpork: Rats, MOVE OUT! [the Rats march in a circle, singing the last verse]

Join the trap disposal squad, Giving death a cautious nod, Make a final wish When the trap goes squish, In the trap disposal squad, In the trap disposal squad.



Call the Rat Catchers 5 21


Bill and Ron (or All):Got a problem of the rodent sort? Would you like to see that rodent caught? Just send for Bill and Ron, You can rely upon Knock-down rates to exterminate.

Something nibblin’ all the tasty fish? Something widdlin’ in your butter dish? Gnawin’ your veg’tables? Call the professionals, Don’t dismay, We’ll be ’round today.

ChorusCall the Rat Catchers, The bold and the best, Call the tail snatchers, Controlling the pest, Call the Rat Catchers, Forget all the rest, Put our traps and poisons to the test.

What’s that squeakin’ underneath the floor? Leavin’ droppings by the pantry door? Scurryin’ out of sight, Giving the kids a fright, Bite the cat! Now we don’t want that.

We’ve got all the latest gadgetry, Nasty poisons and a trap or three, We’ve got a job to do, Set us to work for you, Peace of mind Of the vermin kind.

ChorusCall the rat catchers...

Last chorus (Bill and Ron joined by All):Call the Rat [Snap!] Catchers, [Trap!] The bold and the [Snap!] best, [Trap!] Call the tail [Snap!] snatchers, [Trap!] Controlling the [Snap!] pest, [Trap!] Call the Rat [Snap!] Catchers, [Trap!] Forget all the [Snap!] rest, [Trap!] Put our traps and poisons to the test.



Something’s going down in this town 7 22


Something’s going on, Don’t trust anyone ’cause someone’s playing games, All the food is gone, If it isn’t all the rats then who’s to blame? There’s a thief and the nightwatch worry, There’s a mystery underground, There’s a twist to this small town story, Something very underhand, Something I don’t understand, Something’s going down, down, down in this town.

Something’s going on, There is more to Ron and Bill than meets the eye, This is very wrong, Could it be that they are stealing food, but why? There’s a lock and a secret doorway, There’s a proof waiting to be found, There’s a truth to this small town story, Something hidden in the shed, Something filling me with dread, Something’s going down, down, down in this town.

Rap (possible solo for the Kid or other character) Something’s going down ’round here, Something’s got the town in fear, It’s time to investigate, to interrogate, So we’re gonna wait till the nightfall, When the light is dim, We’re gonna be breakin’ in and Creeping till the truth comes out, Find out what it’s all about.

All sing:There’s adventure, we’d better hurry, There’s a new tale going ’round, There’s a clue to this small town story,Nothing’s ever how it looks, Just like in the storybooks, Something’s going down, down, down in this town.



We stand as one 12 23


Solo Clan Rat or all Clan Rats:This flame of candlelight Grows dim and yields tonight, Beneath the darkness of the Underground. The shadows dance their last, The life they held has passed, Lay down your weary paw And sleep this sleep for evermore ~

All Clan Rats:No more to lead the rats To chase the dogs and bite the cats, No more to lead our changeling clan. The poisons and the traps of man Will never wait for you again, But wait for us who still remain, The darkness calls, ‘Your friend has gone.’ The Clan will answer, ‘Yes, we bow as one.’

[Darktan can sing the next section as a solo as he rises to his feet and, taking centre stage, assumes the leader’s role.]

Darktan solo: Take heart though he is gone, Find strength to carry on And face the shadows of the Underground. We do not run and hide, We face the fear inside, Rise up together now And swear with me our solemn vow ~

[Darktan gestures the kneeling rats to rise. They form into a V-shape behind him.]

All Clan Rats:We rule this earth below, The Clan that turns to face the foe And drag it screaming to the light. We stand as one! We fight tonight! No more we cow’r, no more to fear, Our thoughts make us the masters here, Together we can all be strong, Together when we stand, we stand as one.



The Rat King’s song 14 24


Rat King (solo, or accompanied by all offstage cast): Come closer, clever one, I’ll tell my twisted tale to you, A tale of wicked men And all the horrid things they do. Come here, don’t hide your eyes, See how my tails were tied and bound, But I grew strong and wise, And made my lair beneath the ground.

I’m the creature in the night, I’m the noise beneath the floor, I’m the scratch and I’m the bite, I am tooth and I am claw, I’m the darkness in your mind, Scream revenge upon mankind, Join with me, take my hand, And we will be a plague upon this land.

[Peaches tries to pull Dangerous Beans away from the Rat King.]

Peaches (solo or accompanied by all Clan Rats):Don’t give in, Please hold on.

Rat King (solo, or accompanied by all offstage cast):Come closer, little pet, Surrender to the voice inside, I’ll lead you to the truth, It’s time to join the winning side. Come here, reach out your paw And we will make the humans pay, I’ll bring them such a war ~ The hunters shall become the prey.

I’m the creature in the night, I’m the noise beneath the floor, I’m the scratch and I’m the bite, I am tooth and I am claw, I’m the darkness in your mind, Scream revenge upon mankind, Join with me, take my hand, And we will be a plague upon this land.

[The Rat King tugs at Dangerous Beans and Peaches pulls Dangerous Beans back towards the Clan Rats.]

Peaches (solo or accompanied by all Clan Rats): Don’t give in, Please hold on.

Rat King (solo, or accompanied by all offstage cast), [spoken as an evil chant]:I’m the creature in the night, I’m the noise beneath the floor, I’m the scratch and I’m the bite, I am tooth and I am claw. (sung):I’m the darkness in your mind, Scream revenge upon mankind, Join with me, take my hand, And we will be a plague upon this land.



Pipe the rat 17 25


Townsfolk:Play it all around, There’s a sound on the street, Running through the ground, Watch ’em move their feet, gotta feel the beat.

Clan Rats:Kid is on a roll, You can leave all the hype, Losin’ my control The way he plays the pipe, You know he plays the pipe.

Townsfolk and Clan Rats:Thought he’d lost the bet, Did they tell you that? Why did they tell you that? Ain’t seen nothing yet, Feel the power of the music, Gonna show you how to pipe the rat, Show you how to pipe the rat.

Townsfolk:Ev’ryone get down, See the rats in a trance, People of this town Give the Kid a chance to make the rodent dance.

Clan Rats:Baby, I’m a slave When the Kid starts to play, I could rock and rave Ev’ry night and day, blow my mind away.

Townsfolk and Clan Rats:Thought he’d lost the bet…

Pipe solo with Sardines dancing

Townsfolk and Clan Rats:Thought he’d lost the bet, Did they tell you that? Why did they tell you that? Ain’t seen nothing yet, Feel the power of the music, Gonna show you how to pipe the rat, Show you how to pipe the rat, Show you how to pipe the rat, Show you how to pipe the rat, Show you how to pipe the rat.



Tell them a tale * Reprise 18 26


Clan Rats:Maybe we have found a place of our own, Somewhere just for rats, No more dogs and cats.

Maurice: Rats and people? Well… maybe.

All:Tell them a tale of rats, We’re educated rodents, that’s a fact, And an amazing cat, It’s such a crazy act. Tell them a tale of rats, We’re educated rodents, that’s a fact, And an amazing cat, It’s such a crazy act. Tell them a tale, Tell them a tale, Tell them a tale, Tell them a tale.



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TERRY PRATCHETT’S The Amazing Maurice and his Educated …