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Balancing Stepfamilies and Families of Origin

AFCC Webinar – July 19, 2017Ann M. Ordway, JD, PhD

University of Tennessee Chattanooga

Sponsored by OurFamilyWizard.com

OBJECTIVES

1. Identify common dilemmas presented by the introduction of stepfamily dynamics into a pre-existing high conflict divorce situation.

2. Examine the role of the new family members in the court-related processes such as custody evaluations and parenting coordination.

3. Examine strategies for balancing the competing issues of new family units and the original family units to achieve results in the best interests of all children involved.

WE CANNOT IGNORE COMPETING INTERESTS

It is critical to understand implications associated with the new family mixing with the old and how to balance competing interests in the management and resolution of conflict.

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COMPLICATIONS

As if high conflict families are not complicated enough, adding a stepfamily dynamic into the mix adds multiple additional layers for professionals to sort. Evaluators, parenting coordinators and others working with court-involved families often include new partners and their children in the process for good reasons.

WHAT IS A STEP-FAMILY?

A family where at least one parent has children that are not genetically related to the other spouse or parent.

MYTHS AND STEREOTYPES

Cinderella and the evil stepmother

The Brady Bunch

Step-by-Step

Drake and Josh

The Parent Trap (Haley Mills/Lindsay Lohan) (1961/1998)

Yours, Mine, and Ours (1968/2005)

Stepmom (1998 – Julia Roberts)

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CINDERELLA

Stepmothers are MEAN

Stepchildren will not be treated as well as the stepparent’s biological children

The bio parent will be oblivious to the nuances of strained relations between their own child and the new spouse

Stepparents are manipulative and will act “nice and kind” in front of he bio parent and then be abusive the minute the bio parent is not around.

Stepsiblings don’t get along

SOME ARE WORSE THAN OTHERS…

THE BRADY BUNCH

Unrealistic

The original parents vanished into thin air – never to be heard from or mentioned again. There are no issues related to parenting time, or

child support, or joint decision making. Carol and Mike have complete authority.

There isn’t an inkling of favoritism

The family has a maid/live-in housekeeper to assist

Real Dilemmas

Chaos ensues on the wedding day as the Brady dog, the Martin cat, and 6 children scramble for new roles in a new family –resulting in all six kids coming along for the honeymoon!

Bobby watches an episode of Cinderella and becomes concerned that Carol, his stepmother, will never really love him as her own.

Cindy can invite only one parent to her school show – should she invite her realmother or her new stepfather?

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ALICE DOESN’T LIVE HERE…

SOME STATISTICS….

According to the US Census Bureau:

More than 50% (higher in some areas) of all marriages end in divorce

75% of divorced individuals remarry

66% of those living together or remarried break-up when there are children involved from prior relationships.

More than 30 million children under the age of 13 in the US live with a biological parent and that parent’s new spouse or partner.

75% of career women earning over $100,000 who had married men with children reported in a survey through Boston University that “if they had it to do over again, they would NOT marry a man with children.”

SOME TIPS FOR WORKING WITH STEPFAMILY DYNAMICS

1. Respect the Journey

2. Consider the Living Arrangements

3. Meet the Stepparent

4. Offer Proactive Step-parenting Guidelines

5. Identify Role Parameters

6. Quickly Address an Overstepping of Boundaries

7. Encourage the Development of Clear House Rules

8. Consider Feelings and Presentation

9. Encourage Positive Dialogue between Step and Bio Parent

10. Accept and Adapt

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FORMATION

Stepfamilies form as the result of remarriage or recoupling where at least one of the parties has children from a prior relationship.

Most follow divorce – but some follow the death of a biological parent.

QUESTION: Is it more difficult to compete with a live other parent who lives nearby –or with a ghost who has been potentially idealized by children?

EITHER WAY – YOU’RE NOT MY MOTHER!!!

POTENTIAL STEPFAMILY ISSUES

Your house or mine?

Baby…maybe?

Former spouses rarely vanish into thin air – and worse, can really disrupt harmony

Whose rules? What Rules?

Outside Interference

When both spouses have children, what happens when the children are in the home on different weekends? No bonding time for children

No free time for the newlyweds

YOUR HOUSE OR MINE?

Deciding where to liveWho moves?/consolidating belongings (don’t need 2 toasters) Sharing rooms – sibling strangers Full-time residents and visitorsA place for everything…and everything in its placeNew home is best Fresh start for everyone

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BABY…MAYBE?

Younger spouse with no children of his or her own – might want a baby. Pre-existing children react and are disrupted at the notion of a new sibling for whom they might need to babysit.

Glamorized notion of “having a child together”

FORMER SPOUSES RARELY VANISH INTO THIN AIR

In most divorce cases, a custodial arrangement and parenting plan pre-dates remarriage/re-coupling and the formation of a stepfamily.

Children travel between households – and sometimes both involve a biological parent and a stepparent.

Personalities are a factor – and sometimes, a biological parent actually does better negotiating or working with a stepparent than with the other bio parent to whom they used to be married.

WHOSE RULES? WHAT RULES?

The way to raise children

Authoritative

Permissive

Dismissive

Authoritarian

Chores? Responsibilities?

“In this house…”

Too many cooks spoil the soup

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FORMING RELATIONSHIPS

When both spouses have children, what happens when the children are in the home on different weekends?

No bonding time for children

No free time for the newlyweds

Personalities. Not everyone likes everyone else!

FAMILY

STUCK WITH EACH OTHER…

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OUTSIDE INTERFERENCE

One of the most complicated issues associated with step-parenting – AS IF natural complications are not enough – is the outside interference from the biological parent outside of the new family unit.

CHILDREN ARE INFLUENCED

Divided loyalty – can’t like a step for fear of hurting the original parent counterpart

Notions of Mom and Dad getting back together

“If Mama ain’t happy…ain’t nobody happy!”

Actual EventsGuided Reality Experiential realityGuided Experiential Reality

NOT A COOKIE CUTTER APPROACH…Every family and every circumstance is different

Consider critical intake information: Were both new spouses married before and are their children?

What are the circumstances of the termination of prior marriages?

Is a former or are both former spouses involved? How?

Where did the new spouses meet and for how long did they date?

How were children introduced to a prospective stepparent? To each other?

REVOLVING DOOR SYNDROME – the impact of past experiences

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FAMILIES DON’T BLEND…

In the words of Jeanette Lofas of the Stepfamily Foundation…

“Stepfamilies don’t blend, they collide!”

BLENDING…

Why then do we insist on expecting children to neatly fold into one another because two adults make a choice to start a life together? If two children would never be friends – how can we expect them to become sisters or brothers? The operative word is EXPECT. Relationships in stepfamilies are what they naturally evolve to be – and sometimes there is a lot of work involved in creating any integration at all.

INTEGRATION…

Involves planning, and staging, and thought

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BOUNDARIES

It has been said that there is a place for everything and everything should be in its place.

It is important to develop and define rules so the stepparent has authority in his or her own home – but not so much so that the original parent takes a back seat – and no so much so as to offend the non-residential parent or potentially insight a riot.

THE ART OF COMMUNICATION

Communication is not just what we want to say – it is more importantly saying it so the person to whom it is directed hears and understands an accurate message.

Three Sources of Conflict (Joint Custody with a Jerk – Ross & Corcoran)1. Self

2. Third party

3. Circumstance

KEY IS UNDERSTANDIGN ROLE IN CREATING AND IN DE-ESCALATING CONFLICT

COPING SKILLS

Patience and coping skills are critical…

Encourage a sense of humor, flexibility, and a willingness to have fun

Happy endings are possible – just not guaranteed.

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MOST IMPORTANTLY…

As experts, we need to consider the source of the problem in a “what came first, the chicken or the egg analysis”

Fractured stepfamilies are hard on children due to what goes into establishing a new unit – and then navigating another broken family – perhaps reminiscent of the break-down of the original family.

HELPFUL REFERENCES

Cartwright, C. (2010a). An exploratory investigation of parenting practices in stepfamilies. New Zealand Journal of Psychology, 39(1), 57-64. Retrieved from http://www.psychology.org.nz/cms_show_download.php?id=521

Cartwright, C. (2010b). Preparing to repartner and live in a stepfamily: An exploratory investigation. Journal of Family Studies, 16(3), 237-250. doi: 10.5172/jfs.16.3.237

Cartwright, C. (2012). The challenges of being a mother in a stepfamily. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 53, 503-513. doi: 10.1080/10502556.2012.682904

Claxton-Oldfield, S., & O’Neil, S. (2007). Perceptions of gay and lesbian stepfamilies. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 46(3-4), 1-8. doi: 10.1300/J087v46n03_01

MORE REFERENCES

Coleman, M., & Nickleberry, L. (2009). An evaluation of the remarriage and stepfamily self-help literature. Family Relations, 58(5), 549-561. doi: 10.1111/j.1741-3729.2009.00574.x

Eckler, J. D. (1993). Step-by step-parenting: A guide to successful living with a blended family. Cincinnati, OH: Betterway Books.

Gabe, G., & Lipman-Blumen, J. (2004). Step wars: Overcoming the perils and making peace in adult stepfamilies. New York, NY: St. Martin’s Press.

Higginbotham, B., Davis, P., Smith, L., Dansie, L., Skogrand, L., & Reck, K. (2012). Stepfathers and stepfamily education. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 53, 76-90. doi: 10.1080/10502556.2012.635972

Higginbotham, B., Skogrand, L., & Torres, E. (2010). Stepfamily education: Perceived benefits for children. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 51, 36-49. doi: 10.1080/10502550903423271

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MORE REFERENCES

Kellas, J.K., LeClair-Underberg, C., & Normand, E.L. (2008). Stepfamily address terms: “Sometimes they mean something and sometimes they don’t.” Journal of Family Communication, 8, 238-263. doi: 10.1080/15267430802397153

Lofas, J. (2004). Stepparenting: Everything you need to know to make it work. New York, NY: Citadel Press.

Lucier-Greer, M., & Adler-Baeder, F. (2012). Does couple and relationship education work for individuals in stepfamilies? A meta-analytic study. Family Relations, 61, 756-769. doi: 10.1111/j.1741-3729.2012.00728.x

Mulford, P. G. (1996). Barron’s parenting keys: Keys to successful step-mothering. Hauppauge, NY: Barron’s Educational Series, Inc.

MORE REFERENCES

O’Connor, A. (2003). The truth about stepfamilies: Real American stepfamilies speak out about what works and what doesn’t when it comes to creating a family together. New York, NY: Marlowe & Company.

Pickhardt, C. E. (1997). Barron’s parenting keys: Keys to successful step-fathering. Hauppauge, NY: Barron’s Educational Series, Inc.

Planitz, J. M., Feeney, J. A., & Peterson, C. C. (2009). Attachment patterns of young adults in stepfamilies and biological families. Journal of Family Studies, 15(1), 67-81. doi: 10.5172/jfs.327.15.1.67

Roosevelt, R., & Lofas, J. (1976). Living in step: A remarriage manual for parents and children. New York, NY: The Stepfamily Foundation.

Saint-Jacques, M. C., Robitaille, C., Godbout, E., Parent, C., Drapeau, S., & Gagne, M. H. (2011). The processes distinguishing stable from unstable stepfamily couples: A qualitative analysis. Family Relations, 60, 545-561. doi: 10.1111/j.1741-3729.2011.00668.x

MORE REFERENCES

Shapiro, D. N., & Stewart, A. J. (2012). Dyadic support in stepfamilies: Buffering against depressive symptoms among more and less experienced stepparents. Journal of Family Psychology, 26(5), 833-838. doi: 10.1037/a0029591

Shimberg, E. F. (1999). Blending families: A guide for parents, stepparents, grandparents and everyone building a successful new family. New York, NY: Berkley Books.

Skogrand, L., Davis, P., & Higginbotham, B. (2011). Stepfamily education: A case study. Contemporary Family Therapy, 33, 61-70. doi: 10.1007/s10591-011-9141-y

Slattery, M. E., Bruce, V., Halford, W. K., & Nicholson, J. M. (2011). Predicting married and cohabiting couples’ futures from their descriptions of stepfamily life. Journal of Family Psychology, 25(4), 560-560. doi: 10.1037/a0024538

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MORE REFERENCES

Sweeney, M. M. (2010). Remarriage and stepfamilies: Strategic sites for family scholarship in the 21st century. Journal of Marriage and Family, 72, 667-684. doi: 10.1111/j.1741-3737.2010.00724.x

Troilo, J. (2011). Stepfamilies and the law: Legal ambiguities and suggestions for reform. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 52, 610-621. doi: 10.1080/10502556.2011.619937

Visher, E. B., & Visher, J. S. (1982). How to win as a stepfamily (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Brunner-Routledge.

Ziegahn, S. J. (2001). 7 steps to bonding with your stepchild. New York, NY: St. Martin’s Press.

SOME OTHER RESOURCES

www.stepfamilies.info

www.stepfamily.org

CONTACT INFORMATION

Ann M. Ordway, JD, PhDCounselor Education DepartmentUniversity of Tennessee ChattanoogaAnn-Ordway@utc.edu