Spoof, Issue 26, Vol 144, The Brunswickan

sharkiLeaksLeaking the news since 1867

Volume 144 · Issue 26 • April 6, 2011 www.thebruns.ca

MackVestly covers torso-warming territory with new endeavourPaige Paige PaigeThe Listserve

A local student, turned fashion designer has given up his duties in the UNB Student Government to pursue his real love; sweater vests.

Sweater MackVestley is now the proud CEO of Sweatford, a new and forward-thinking company devoted to the creation and promotion of Mother Nature’s most constricting torso gar-ment.

“I, uhh, love the sweater vest. It’s kind of my thing. People make fun of them, but they are very stylish. Plus, I’m as warm as two lit cigarettes getting it on,” he said, toying playfully with a loose thread on his argyle printed vest.

When asked why MackVestley really left council, he cited two reasons. 1. His passion for sweater vests far exceeded his passion (NAWT) for student pol-itics. So much so, he could no longer bear sitting around the government table without his trusty knitting tools. 2. Everyone discovered his name is truly MackVestLEY, not MackVestFORD as he’d once requested he be called.

“I, like, don’t even really care, you know? I’m fine here, in my residence, knitting the day away. Vests are my true passion. VIVA LA SWEATAAAA,” he yelld, quite loudly actually.

MackVestley knows sweater vests are uncomfortable, especially when laid overtop button-up shirts.

“They really don’t keep anything warm. In fact, my arms are cold. But shh, this is off-the-record (Sharkie’s note: NOPE!).”

Strategic Plannon Vanhill-McGrin-ley, president of the UNBSG, said she disapproves of MackVestley’s departure from council for more fashionable pur-suits, but is happy he’s gone.

“I was doing all of his work, and his still made me model his line of sweater vests for women. I’d had enough.”

MackVestley knows he’s received criticism from his peers, but he seems unphased. He’s recently retreated from campus life, residing mainly in his room in residence.

He was last seen on Friday, running like hell through the quad, clad only in one of his infamous garments, yell-ing, “LIVE IT. LOVE IT. WEAR A SWEATER VEST.”

brunswickanspoof2 • Apr. 6, 2011 • Issue 26 • Volume 144

Tiki MasalaIndo-Food Magazine

UNB’s latest building project is now up and running, much to the delight of local foodies.

The Curry Centre, long-touted as a place for physical activity and education, is the site of Fredericton’s newest, and largest Indian restaurant.

“Oh, this is wonderful, absolutely wonderful. Now UNB is home to a phenomenal restaurant, in addition to our faculty buildings. The red curry will go swimmingly with our red brick buildings. Om nom nom nom,” UNB leader, Breaddy Naan-bell, said at the ribbon cutting last week through a mouthful of butter chicken.

Initially, the Curry Centre was only meant to be the size of a small schoolhouse. Now, it’s fucking huge. And expensive.

Rumour is, the city of Fredericton has to invest in floodlights to light the downtown area because the mas-sive restaurant is actually blocking the sun.

To offset the costs of the $70 bil-lion building, ordering one of the Curry Centre’s delicious curries will set you back about $900. Also, there are still enormous wait times expected

for the Curry Centre, even though hundreds of cashiers will be on staff.

They will be calling orders, then, once the person gets to the cash, they’ll have to wait another few months for their curry.

“Those Curry Centre curries are more than worth the wait, I assure you. Nom nom nom nom. Ooo spicey,” Naanbell said, munching on a green curry.

Initially, the Curry Centre was expected to house a pool full of But-ter Chicken sauce, but the plan was swiftly thrown out. Now the excess Butter Chicken sauce will be housed in the other pool.

“Nom. If you’re looking for a pool nom nom nom full of Butter Chicken sauce, you’ll have to go to the YMCA. Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom,” Naanbell said, literally pouring Tikka Masala down his throat.

Costs of the Curry Centre sky-rocketed when it was discovered that students working near the building suffered from watery eyes and burn-ing mouths from the wafting aroma of chilies in the air.

Students will also be required to pay into a Curry Centre fund, an additional $300 per semester. No coupons will be provided to compen-sate students.

UNB unviels spicy new building

he had it coming

brunswickanspoof Apr. 6, 2011 • Issue 26 • Volume 144 • 3

UNB president Teddy Rambell lives to survive another day after his narrow escape from a deranged Sohexdo chef.

Rambell strategically planned his escape from an underground prison after being held at giant wooden spoon-point and being incepted.

After attending a Sohexdo-catered university luncheon, Rambell was drugged by mentally unstable cook Rob John. The criminally insane chef kidnapped the UNB president and transported him back to his secret lair under the Selona Grill.

Once unconscious, John used the latest inception techniques on Rambell to force him to step down as president and promote the crazy Sohexdo chef.

“I usually start the inception pro-cess with an interesting storyline, but have to create big cinematic scenes full of explosions to make up for

the ludicrous plot,” said John quite derangededly.

“Let’s face it… when I got to the incepting, I had no idea what was actually happening. So, I used special effects to distract the president from my convoluted plan.”

The university president, however, was well prepared in the art of incep-tion defence.

“He was ready for me. He trapped me in a Strategic Plan in a Strategic Plan in a Strategic Plan,” exclaimed the nutjob cook.

Trapping the disturbed assailant in the bureaucratic nightmare, Rambell managed to revive himself. Unfortu-nately, John was not finished.

“I woke up and he was standing over me with a six-foot wooden spoon,” Rambell said breathlessly after his daring escape.

“He was just pacing and mumbling to himself about putting me under a Stir Crazy Procedure.”

The non-medical “procedure”

was John’s patented torture method involving a large frying pan, frozen vegetables and a variety of sauces.

After receiving third-degree teri-yaki burns, the sautéed Rambell slipped out of the mad chef’s grasp and escaped into the series of under-ground tunnels below the university.

“I knew I had to get out of there or I wouldn’t make it,” he said. “I had to make a plan – a Strategic Plan.”

The university president quickly held a number of consultation ses-sions, white-paper forums and senate hearings to devise the best possible route of escape.

He was stuck in the tunnels for six months.

“I would’ve made it out a lot sooner, but I wanted to international-ize my escape route by 20 per cent,” said Rambell.

Rambell was re-instated as univer-sity president, while the crazed John was sentenced to life at the George Street Middle School cafeteria.

Collie Paige Smith Manager-in-charge

Photo Caption. Photo Credit / The AT

UNB prez strategically plans his way out of kidnapping, inception

Who’s the cutest V-Red?the panelvoice your opinion

“Jill Blanchard.” “Maureen Sparks.” “Gardiner MacDougall.” “Hunter Tremblay.”

Christopher CameronSports Editor

Colin McPhailEIC

Alison ClackSports Writer

Hilary Paige SmithSports Writer

brought to you by:

UNBSG just doesn’t meet quorum

Must be something in the water. The UNBSG has yet to meet quorum this year. No one is sure if they are still suffering the effects of last year’s severe back-patting spree, or if there is lots of really television on Sunday’s now. It is unclear, but so far, not much has gotten done within student government. SharkiLeaks attempts to attend the council meeting weekly, but they are so poorly attended, even the local media is frustrated. For updates, follow Tweet Sparrow on Twitter.

Accessibility WIN

Loch Nessie, the UNBSG differently-abled coordiaison, is finally happy about something. Facilities Plant has finally plowed the wheelchair access ramp next door to the student building and very near by the SharkiLeaks office. “Well, I have been advocating for this steadily all year and it feels great that someone is finally listening to my complaints. It feels good to win.” Also, Nessie wants everyone in the world to know he has office hours.

Ladychased

Randy Ladychase is on the prowl again. Last seen creeping sneakily past a residence near the bottom of University Hill, Ladychase was reported to authorities, but never found. Rumour has it, a lady sauntered past and Ladychase lady chased after her. He lady chased her all the way to Skyline Acres. Luckily for the lady Ladychase was lady chasing, he became distracted by a passing female rugby team and lady chased in the opposite direction. Ladychase.

Coleen McWin

According to a top-secret document uncovered by SharkiLeaks, our own Colon McPhart has a secret twin sister. Coleen McWin, as she was so dubbed by her adoptive parents, has come to UNB. McPhart was so taken aback by her Kramer-esque tufts of hair, slight neck beard and affinity for cardigans, he instantly knew they shared genetic material. McPhart has resigned his work for the Brunswickan to pursue a very Tide Head-esque relationship, and possibly steal some jeans.

news | briefs


Grammy-award winning indie rock-ers Arcade Fire are now bankrupt be-cause of the incessant, repetitive nature of The Cellar’s playlist.

The group’s latest album, The Sub-urbs, has been the soundtrack to The Cellar in a marathon-like fashion since its release, reaching a whopping 33, 245,00 plays. They band can’t keep up with production costs.

Nat Sampson, manager of The Cellar, is behind the obsession. He first listened to the album during sex and hasn’t been able to shake it.

“There’s no stopping my ‘Modern Man’,” said Sampson.

“It turns ‘Deep Blue’ if I don’t follow its orders.”

The tip of his penis is not alone; his co-workers suffer the same affliction.

They’ve been spending their evenings thrusting the opening piano notes of “We Used to Wait” into their girlfriends. At work, they face insufferable erections sparked by sense-memory from hearing the album, but take comfort in knowing they’re always Ready to Start.

Some students even went insane and are still undergoing therapy.

In spite of the crippling financial losses, there were some indie gains for Arcade Fire in The Cellar. It was reported that several students became contagiously pretentious, and many started wearing thick-rimmed glasses, some without a prescription or even lenses.

Pretenchia Arrigunt, a second-year Latin major specializing in inflection and dialect, said she first noticed she was better than everyone else after she started wearing her dad’s old specs.

“They’re from the 70’s, they’re very uncommon,” she said matter-of-factly.

“I used to have 20/20 vision, but the prescription in these is so strong I’m now legally blind.”

She attributes all of her success to having spent hours in The Cellar, and doesn’t recall ever hearing anything other than The Suburbs. She’s confi-dent that’s why she’s so unique and important.

“It’s in me, it’s in all of us.” She seemed to stop and ponder her

point, but she had only short-circuited for a moment, and continued.

“We’re all so different,” she said proudly, as she sat back down at her Cellar table with her friends, who were comparing their glasses and discussing how to look more impoverished in between arguing over whose parents made the most money.

Arcade Fire bankrupt over Cellar’s obsession with The Suburbs

Alby CaressinThere Mag

Photo Caption. Photo Credit / The AT

The besT fucking breakfasT you’re ever going To have, champ.

Breakfast Corndog:1 pack of bacon1 pack of apple breakfasT sausages1 package cinnamon bun mix1 cup maple syrup1 cup rye whiskey1 cup icing sugarwooden skewers

sheen MaChine’s energy shake3 cup prepared coffee1 cup coffee cream1 cup bailey’s irish cream1 cup heavenly hash ice cream1 coffee-flavoured energy drink½ cup icing sugarbacon drippings4 caffeine pills, crushed2 riTalin, crushedwhipped cream To Topcocaine To garnish

direcTions:Corndog:skewer individual sausages and coaT wiTh bacon. prepare cinnamon bun mixTure and mash iT down flaT. cuT inTo sTrips and wrap around bacon/sausage sTick.

bring syrup, sugar and whiskey To a boil in a poT, sTirring regularly. remove from heaT and seT aside uncovered unTil iT regains a syrupy TexTure.

dip The meaT sTick inTo The dip fry and cook unTil golden brown. remove and coaT liberally wiTh syrup mixTure.

shake:add all ingredienTs To a blender. pound ThaT moTherfucker down To a pulp. Top wiTh whipped cream and garnish wiTh a 7 gram rock.

EPICMEALTIME

with the funwickan

do you have opinions?

TOO BAD,FUCK OFF.


“Drinking.”

What’s your favourite April 6 activity?Ourpoint.

your entitled to it

“Sleeping.” “Sleeping” “Working.”

Smitten Kitten

Penny Wise

Isso Beardly

Snow White

Ginger Spice

Randy Hunt

“Redditing.” “Drinking.”

BURNABY, B.C. (CUP) — Uni-versity student Brandon Barrett has decided to re-invent himself as a hipster, according to reports that were still filling his Facebook wall at press time.

Barrett, a fifth-year student who has yet to declare a major, made it official by posting praise of several local dive bars and ’80s rap groups in attempt to publicize the transition.

The decision has not come without controversy, however, as many are calling it a thinly-veiled attempt to avoid accusations of laziness, poor taste and excessive frugality.

“This all started when he couldn’t afford new glasses and had to have his lenses put in his dad’s old frames,” explained a long-time friend. “Some girl with an asymmetrical haircut commented on them and everything snowballed from there.”

Barrett, interviewed in the base-ment of his parents’ small two-bedroom house, defended his new

image.“One day I looked in my fridge

and noticed I had nothing but Pacific Pilsner. At that point I figured I was just being dishonest with myself if I didn’t call myself a hipster.”

Peers have claimed that the new image is a marriage of convenience and not congruent with the hipster mandate of obscurity, judgment and exclusion.

“He drinks Pilsner because he works part-time at a video store and it’s cheap. Just because he started a blog and pretends to enjoy listening to Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin doesn’t mean he’s a real hipster.”

Despite criticisms, Barrett is happy with his new life.

“It’s great, the less effort I put into my appearance, the cooler I look,” reported Barrett, who had already been known to shower irregularly. When asked what he planned to do about those opposing his new lifestyle he replied simply, “Haters gonna hate, man.”

Man reinvents self as hipster to legitimize personal faultsJohn Morrison III Humour Bureau Chief

random hipster. paulyd / IMALIVE


why i’m not graduating this year [true story, first]


fistin’: Just like Mint sChnapps

ginger: it helps reduCe My gingivitis while drinking!

le: this would taste good on a park BenCh.

BaBy: gives Me a Buzz and keeps Me Minty fresh.

B: it goes down wheezy.

l: now i got My flow

f: add soMe 7-up and i’ve got soMe Belly-warMing goodness

g: gotta love that dM.

g: it’s like getting drunk and eating Cookies at the saMe tiMe.

f: soMetiMes i like to spring for the good stuff, that’s when i Buy pure va-nilla.

B: yuM! tastes like a yankee Candle.

l: vanilla: the seCond Best thing they Make in ColoMBia...

f: argnhhhh...ngh.

g: *BelCh*

l: zzzzz....zzzz.

B: !!!!@p$hv...

alchiesfuck it, ill drink mouthwash

“Winning”

Fistin’ AssgoodLe McPhaileonBaby CanadianGinger Snap

Mouthwash Cough syrup

Vanilla ExtraCt aftErshaVE

“Bi-Winning”

“Winning” “Winning”

Robb out for remainder of season

Veteran Sodexho chef John Robb will miss the remainder of the serving season after spraining his pan-flipping hand. Robb will undergo a stir crazy procedure to ensure he’s set for a September return.

Spears credited for micro-phone innovation

After many questions arose after the success of Dave Morell’s micro-phone used during intermissions and halftimes at the UNB Varsity Reds events, he finally gives credit to Brittney Spears for his inspiration for a headset mic.

Varsity Reds build practice arena

After such a successful season the UNB men’s hockey team will have a new place to practice next season. Like many professional teams, the Varsity Reds will have a separate un-necessary ice surface to do drills on. But hey now; they’re number one so they can do what they want.

Leafs nation separates from Canada in an attempt to cre-ate a sovereign country

The large, wealthy nation has a substantial and loyal population, but rarely see any success. The nation has tried to separate for some time now, but has always come up short. The reasons for failure includes poor trade policy as a nation and overall idiocy.

sports briefs

Early this month, Herbal Essence signed a one-year contract with Coach Jardinier MacRed. After seeing his lus-cious locks on Rogers Sportsnet this past month, Herbal jumped at the opportun-ity to have him model their product. MacRed was ecstatic.

“It’s my dream come true,” he said. “I have been styling my hair the same way since the early-80’s. It takes a lot of time in the morning, but with the right gel and mousse it gives you the natural wind-blown look.”

When asked who he modelled his bountiful hair after, MacRed replied with some long-standing hair icons.

“Believe it or not, Donald Trump and Farrah Fawcett. I liked her volume, but I liked how natural Trump’s looked,” he said.

When we looked around MacRed’s office, we weren’t amazed when we saw three different Aussie hairspray bottles nestled on the corner of his desk, and a pocket sized comb in his jacket pocket.

“Coco Chanel once said that, ‘those who dress shabbily remember the dress. Those who dress impeccably, remember the person.’ Well, I like to apply that theory to my hair, and now because

of this endorsement deal, it has been worth it.”

MacRed also knows the importance of maintaining lustrous facial hair as well.

“I even shampoo and condition my moustache to keep it in tip-top shape. Maintaining a full, luxurious moustache is an important part of facing the world every day. It helps the boys see me as an authority figure,” explained MacRed.

MacRed will be on billboards across the Maritimes. Most of these billboards will showcase MacRed on a beach with current Victoria Secret model, Gisele Bundchen and actress Drew Barrymore.

In additional to the print campaign he will be featured in commercials alongside former Flock of Seagulls band member, Mike Score and NFL all-star Troy Polamalu.

This year long contract will take them to such hair-crazed cities as Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, Cape Dorset, Nunavut and Dildo, Newfoundland. The trio will partake in many photo-shoots, hair smelling competitions, as well as signing photographs and shampoo bottles for kids of all ages.

“It has been a dream of mine to sign the golden herbal bottle, the one only contracted hair models, like my future self can do. I feel like a kid again,” said MacRed

Kelsey JamesonSports Fanatic

Coach scores national ad campaign


Middle Eastern RevolutionsCountries are revolting yo. it matters.

Trouble in the AmazonHide yo kids, hide yo wife, because they cuttin’ down the trees up in this place.

Atlantis RisesThis shit is real yo.

VP EXTERNAL IS GREAT & ALL, AND IMA LET YOU FINISH, BUT THE UNBSG WON’T LET ME FINISH

#unbsg

international | briefs n’ shit

Documents

Spoof, Issue 26, Vol 144, The Brunswickan