Special thanks to my children, Briana, Michelle and Michael for your willingness to have your lives shared in service to parents. You have taught me so much in all these years of trying different parenting tools, always keeping me on my toes and showing me what works and what doesn’t work. It is such an honor to be your mom. Love you all!

“Everybody today seems to be in such a terrible rush, anxious for greater developments and greater riches and so on, so that children have very little time for their parents. Parents have very little time for each other, and in the home begins the disruption of the peace of the world.” -Mother Theresa of Calcutta

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Copyright Positive Parenting, Deborah Godfrey 2010

The Stories

Introduction

Relax and Enjoy!

See the Positive Intention and Behavior

Parenting Styles

Power Struggles

What’d you mean NO?

Getting Kids to Listen to You

Instilling Responsibility

Fun, Feelings and Gardening

Parenting with Teamwork and Vision

Parent with Finesse

Introduction

Has parenting changed all that much this millennium? Along with many other advances in society, it certainly has. Now is a good time to look at the past, the present and decide on a direction for the future. The practice of parenting needs some attention. What have we missed and how should we proceed?

The past thousand years has not been kind to children. For most of the past millennium the phrase “Children are meant to be seen and not heard” was literal. Additionally, all child-rearing practices prior to this century included regular beating of children. Children were thought to be born evil and needed the devil beaten out of them. Many children perished and continue to do so as a result of this philosophy. I do not think children did the awful things they are doing today, however the adults grown from these practices certainly did. Though there were no school shootings, there were witch-hunts, public torture, killings and rampant domestic violence led by the adults and observed by the children.

In the last 100-200 years our view of children has begun to change. The prevailing philosophy of some (certainly not all) is that children are born good, and that with respect, nurturing, and loving guidance, they can become well-rounded, responsible, successful adults. This is a new concept, never before tested in industrialized society. Has it been working? The results appear to be mixed. On the one hand we have children succeeding in school, creating businesses, and advocating causes. We also have kids killing others and themselves. Children are more capable of expressing their feelings and opinions, verbalizing wisdom and. Children are also displaying unprecedented disrespect and disregard toward parents and others.

It appears that we are at a critical point. Should we turn back and reclaim the past, or forge ahead with new ideas into the future? If we choose to continue pursuing this new philosophy of parenting, we need to focus on understanding its effect on children and our responsibility in giving them the full benefit of its potential. Let’s look at 4 aspects of the new parenting philosophy and see how we can improve the results.

Children are born good. The change in belief from children being INHERENTLY evil to children being inherently good comes from simply looking at your newborn baby and seeing the perfection, innocence and complete dependence their vulnerability creates. This is the basis for unconditional love and the concept “address the behavior, not the child”. Anything “bad” or “evil” is a result of the child’s reaction to events in its

environment or biochemical unbalances in their system. When our children misbehave, it is important to remember the goodness in them is temporarily distorted and that they are discouraged. Discipline from the viewpoint, “I love you and I know you are a good person, this behavior is inappropriate, here is a better way”.

Treat children and ourselves with respect. One of the greatest errors made by parents who are respectful of their children is that they forget respect for themselves in the process. I believe this error is one of the main reasons for the disrespect we see in children. YES! It is important that we respect our children, talk with respect, listen to them, and acknowledge their feelings and ideas. However, if we do this without taking care of our needs, it creates children who think the world is here to serve them, and they become utterly disrespectful of others in the process. To improve this we need to take good care of our needs by placing firm, loving limits on children’s incessant demands. The opportunity for growth is changing from only respecting the child to an idea of mutual respect.

Nurturing our children. To nurture is to educate, rear and nourish. In the larger perspective nurture is defined as: “the various environmental forces, which combined, act on an organism and further its existence”. Various environmental forces? Could this be the answer to the mixed results we get in being a nurturing parent? The horrors our children are exposed to at such a young vulnerable age through media violence and the reality of the news are nurturing them. We must seriously consider the impact this has on our children and what we can do. There is no past wisdom to depend upon on; we parents must decide how it ought to be handled. We need to protect them from what we can by monitoring their exposure, and more importantly, being heavily involved in their interpretation of the things that they do see and hear.

Providing loving guidance. The most important idea we must embrace in order for the emerging parenting philosophy to succeed is our deep involvement in our children’s lives. We must guide them through their childhood with time, patience and dedication to their emotional health. If we spend time with our children when they watch TV or play video games, for instance, we are much more likely to pick up on their clues that something is wrong. If a news report is scary, we need to be there to discuss it with our child and help them understand. When they act out in frustration, we need to take the time to look more deeply into their discouragement and help them sort through what is wrong.

Let us proceed with faith that we can become the kind of parents that hope and dream for our children, at the same time realize our limitations and challenges. We can inspire our children to believe in themselves by our compassion and loving guidance. Most of all we need to realize that in order for this new parenting philosophy to work, we must spend a great deal more time influencing our children. This is the most important task we will accomplish in our life, let’s do it well!

Relax and Enjoy!

The morning rush. The evening rush. The bedtime rush. The weekend rush. Then, the morning rush again. Where does it end? Sometimes our lives are too frantic and stressed. Suddenly we realize weeks have passed and we don’t really know what has been happening with members of our family. Worse yet, a huge blow up occurs with one of our kids or our spouse. Finally we slow down and take a closer look.

When kids are born, they don’t know about stress. Our children live in each moment, exploring the joy or pain of each experience as it presents itself. We parents teach them stress by rushing them away from whatever activity or nuance they have discovered, we teach them to let the little things slip away.

We mistakenly believe that if we don’t rush, things won’t get done. We think there isn’t enough time. In fact, there is more than enough time, or at least we should make it so, especially when it comes to our children. The truth is, when we give the time to our children, we actually create more time for ourselves. Contented children are patient, understanding and respectful of our needs (because we have respected them first by giving them our time). Sometimes, giving time to them means attending a parenting class. And while that initially means committing to another obligation (not to mention an expenditure of time and money) the whole family gains from the experience. With new tools and insight into why the kids are misbehaving, parents often share that this was the best and most worthwhile commitment they will make for their family.

And while this may sound like a commercial for the class, it’s really a call to action. Let’s help create contented, nurtured children in this world, children committed to living peacefully and without the need to turn to gangs, violence, or drugs to feel connected. Instead of the class, (or along with), here are some tips for slowing down and enjoying life with our children:

Take extra time. Every day, three-year-old would say to his dad as they were driving, “That’s MY church!” about a little church in a field. One day, the dad stopped and got out of the car with his son to check it out. The son was elated! The dad saw how much this meant to his child, and it only took a few extra moments. Another mom stopped, for no reason, on the way home from work with her kids, to watch the airplanes land. Relaxing, enjoying, and spending time to notice the beauty around us is a great gift we can give to our children and one we can give to ourselves!

Start five-minutes earlier and make it fun. For the mornings and bedtime, make extra time to talk and play. Many parents report that when they spend only five minutes more in the morning - just talking and having fun - the kids get ready more cooperatively. At bedtime, too, start the ritual early and spend some time talking to your kids. Tell stories and make up fun little family games.

My kids and I have a few routines at bedtime: Sometimes we share, “best thing, worst thing, & silliest thing” that happened during our day; Other times we make up a story together; Sometimes we talk about different feelings. Each of these ideas allows me to discover what my kids are up to, how they are doing. And they always cooperate at lights out when they have had this chance to process their day.

If you’re stressing, STOP IT! I remember one mom who arrived at class ten minutes late and completely stressed. She said she had road rage on the freeway. I pointed out that her being late she could not change. Her stress was a choice. We need to notice when we’re stressing. Then, take a deep breath, relax, think of the worst-case scenario, and just accept it. Calming yourself in these situations takes practice; moreover, it increases your mental health. Most importantly, it models for a child how to calm himself.

Take care of every aspect of your being. When the flight attendant goes over the safety instructions, she says, “Secure your mask first and then your child’s”. Why does she say this? Of course, if you die, you can’t help your child. This is true for every aspect of your being. Your emotional health, your physical health, your mental health, your spiritual health, all need nurturing. If you do not have your tanks full, you really have nothing to give to your child. In fact, when we try to give love, support, caring and understanding to our children when we are deficit in these things, it actually does more harm than good for a child. Children are extremely sensitive to our moods and will try to fill our needs when it is they who really need our support. When my kids were young, I made myself get a massage every other week, even when it was a financial struggle to do so. I found the way I felt after a massage carried me through the stress and strain of being a single parent to three young children. When I came home from my massage, I could handle their fighting and bickering with a smile on my face! As a general rule, it is good to do something just for yourself every day. You can read a book, take a walk, go to the gym, take a bubble bath, or anything that gives you energy, rather than depleting your energy.

The stress on our families is evident. Parents are working far too hard just to make ends meet. Our children’s suffering is obvious by all the violence and problems we have in the world today. It is up to each one of us to make a difference, create change and learn to live joyfully and peacefully - first in our own lives, and then in our families by supporting each other. You can then take this outside your family to the community: When you see a stressed parent at the mall, don’t look at her with judgment, but with empathy and understanding. Smile at her, help her relax and enjoy. Only by working together, can we all make this world a better place, one family at a time.

See the Positive Intention and Behavior

So often as parents we see the behavior of our children as negative or bad. We think that they are “out to get us”, “make our lives miserable” or even that they are “terrors, brats or demons”. (Yes, one parent did actually characterize her child’s behavior by calling him a demon ). Here are some ideas for looking at their behavior from another perspective.

Mom walked into the kitchen to her two-year-old son smashing grapes on the floor. Her first instinct was to yell at him for making a mess. She took a deep breath and put herself in his shoes as she watched the intensity with which he was smashing grapes. He didn’t even notice her presence. She saw him take a grape into his hand, look at it, place it on the floor and carefully stomp his foot upon it, remove his foot and observe the resultant smashed remains. She walked quietly toward him, got on his level and let him show her all about what he was doing. He was so excited and babbling all about it! Mom listened to him chatter all about it for awhile and when he was satisfied, she gently transitioned to cleaning up with him, teaching him to be responsible after his experiment. While many parents are concerned that this lack of punishment would encourage the child to keep doing the behavior in the future, most don’t. Children that are given the time and respect and taught there is a consequence (cleaning up), tend NOT to take advantage.

When my son was about seven he decided to “fix” my front door for me. He got a screwdriver and removed the door jam piece and then put it back on. Unfortunately, it made it even worse and the door wouldn’t shut at all. I felt very frustrated and wanted to get mad at him as it was near bedtime and I couldn’t go to sleep with the front door open! However, I could see how much he wanted to help and fix it. So instead, I took a deep breath and made myself choose patience. Together, we looked at why it wasn’t closing and I talked him through screwing it on so the door could close. I realized how much he like taking things apart, yet his ability to “fix” them just wasn’t quite developed yet. I have since made it a point to buy used stereos ($2 at a garage sale), computers, and other equipment that looks fun to take apart. He really likes to investigate how things work. And he especially likes smashing, hammering, prying and otherwise ripping the stuff apart. His interest in how things work is redirected into items that don’t need to be operational for our house to run smoothly.

When you see your child being mischievous, take the time to look at the situation from his perspective. Discover something positive or good about the behavior. This is the way that delinquent teens are reached and guided to a new path in life. Someone takes the time to see the artistic talent behind the graffiti, or the mechanical talent behind the car thieving, or the quality of nurturing and capacity to help others behind the promiscuity. Focus on the positive intention, no matter how small and insignificant it seems, honor it, help it grow and see how you can be the most positive influence in

your child’s developing greatness.

“Why do I have to ask over and over again to the point of yelling to get my child to do anything, and then when she does it, she does a lousy job of it?”

This is such a common parental complaint! One thing I have noticed about children’s behavior is that it usually makes sense when viewed it from the child’s perspective. Often we expect them to make the mistake, forget the directions, or in some way fail to meet our expectations. We keep trying by giving them more hints (nagging), being very clear (yelling), or attempting to motivate them into the “right” behavior (manipulating or making them feel guilty). Yet over and over again, they seem as if they are not “getting it”. A dad in one of my classes, Kevin, had been having a particular challenge with his daughter. Taryn had to have breathing treatments for asthma, which she really disliked. Dad’s patience with her resistance was wearing thin as this had to happen several times a day and just was not optional. One particular time, he could see the power struggle coming looming as it was time for her to take her treatment. Instead of fighting with her, he began talking to the empty space around the breathing machine. He used comforting words as if Taryn was sitting there and taking her treatment. The way Kevin explained it, “I talked to the space she should be in and she asked me, ‘What are you doing?’ and I said, ‘I’m talking to my daughter who is taking her breathing treatment’ and she jumped right into that space and took her breathing treatment!”

Kevin had a literal example of creating the space for a child to do the right thing. This is something I speak of metaphorically in my classes and workshops. How can you have belief and faith that your child will do the right thing, when they so often seem to make poor choices? I would assert that it’s because we expect them to fail so often so that they do. When we start believing and acting as if they will do the right thing, they will do much more of that! So what is this “creating the space” for them to do what’s right? It means having faith in your parenting skills, trusting their basic good nature, and allowing for any experience to be acceptable.

Have faith in your parenting skills. One reason moms and dads parent inconsistently is that they feel uncertain about their parenting skills. If you are a parent who feels guilty that you are being too harsh, or who feels helpless at being able to set limits and then follow through, then you need to get some confidence in your parenting skills. You can do this through, classes, books and online resources as well. While none of us is a perfect parent, there is a term used in parenting called, “good enough”. If you are a “good enough” parent, then you have more than adequate parenting tools. These tools usually need to be gleaned from an outside resource as listed above, unless you were also raised by a “good enough” parent. If you were, congratulations! Good enough parents usually convey through role modeling good enough parenting skills to their offspring, (YOU!) and you can be rest assured that you are parenting good enough as well.

There are two voices that can block your achievement in this area. The first is the voice

in your own head. It is usually caused by you being too harsh on yourself. If you follow this voice more deeply, you may see the connection between things you heard as a child and the details of this voice of criticism in your head. Explore this fully and work on being gentler and kinder to yourself, giving yourself now the kind words you deserved then. This will lessen the power of those negative thoughts. The other more obvious voice of criticism comes from our well-meaning friends and relatives. One mom told me her best friend was such a “perfect parent” it always made her feel bad about herself and her kids. She would try to be perfect like her friend, wanting to follow her advice, but rarely being able to follow through. In her heart, mom didn’t agree with the harshness of some of the methods her friend used to get compliant behavior from her children. The mom valued creativity and spirit above the perfect behavior, but so wanted her friend’s approval, that she was in nearly constant conflict over her parenting decisions. I advised her to love and respect her friend, and work on trusting herself to know what is best for her children and try not to hold her friend up as a role model if it continued to cause her to feel bad. It’s OK to trust a friend’s advice if we respect MOST aspects of how that friend is parenting and can use their wisdom to make our decisions. It will not work however if something in us feels there may be something wrong with those parenting tools for us and our children. Becoming “good enough” is a sense inside of you that you are doing your best and giving yourself enough time and energy to focus on those things that give you that confidence to have faith in your parenting skills.

Trust your child’s basic good nature. All kids are born wanting to please you and make you happy and proud. It is in their basic nature to do so. Most parents do not realize how we unknowingly train them to do the exact opposite. For instance, when children are small and love to help, do you encourage them and allow for age appropriate achievement to be good enough? Or are you critical and expect more from them then they may be capable of at that age and stage. When my kids were little, they loved to mop the floors and wash windows. Now of course, they weren’t yet capable of doing it “correctly,” but I loved the spirit they had brought to doing it and I celebrated that. Over time, they came to do their chores with accomplishment as well as pride, and that sense of fun and achievement I instilled when they were younger. Trusting their goodness also means trusting their integrity. I call this a child’s inner “Jiminy Cricket”, that sense of right and wrong born into all humans. So much of our (poor) parenting masks our children’s inner voice. When we judge them, yell at them, don’t hear their side, we push their integrity way down in them, so they cannot even reach it, and over time forget that it is even there. Instead, we need to believe in their goodness and create space for them to do what is right. One time, my kids were waiting for me in the car. I got in and Briana and Michael were shouting from the backseat, “MOM! Michelle took a dollar out of your wallet!” I looked up into the review mirror at the tattlers in the back and said, “Peanut gallery, enough! Sounds like you two need to take care of yourselves! Michelle would never take money from me!” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a little hand carefully slipping a dollar bill back into

my purse. I smiled to myself, started the car and went on my way. I believe kids will do the right thing if we give them a chance!

Allowing any experience to be acceptable. While I had what I consider a good result in the above example, many times children make poor choices. In that case, we have a dilemma. If the child has proven to be untrustworthy, shouldn’t we become more critical and vigilant to make sure they do the right thing? How can I accept a poor choice? My argument is if you continue to criticize and micromanage, they will get less responsible, not more responsible. What the child needs is space to do the right thing! So if a child makes a poor choice, see this as an opportunity to get on their side, to be empathetic, to console them and to become their safe haven when they make a mistake from which they need to learn one of life’s lessons.

My son, Michael, had gone snowboarding with a buddy. They couldn’t make it to the ski resort because the road closed and he had no chains. So they pulled off the road where there was a nice hill and spent a few hours there. When they came back to the car, Michael was taking off his gear and his friend Rodney was trying to hurry him up. My son is somewhat of a slow poke when it comes to transitioning from activity to leaving. I know this from my experience with him at the beach. If I say, “Time to go” I can be assured it’s at least another 15 minutes of carefully getting out of wetsuit, rinsing board, wetsuit and feet several times and putting on clothes. If I interrupt this transition, he will invariable forget something, a shirt, shoes or some part of the gear. So I allow time and space for him to make his transition. Now Rodney didn’t know this, and neither did Michael in a conscious way. When Michael got home and began to unpack his car late that night, his snowboard wasn’t in the trunk. He was shocked as he realized he had set it down beside the car and when Rodney hurried him, he accidently left it there! I felt bad for him, asked if he could drive back up and look for it. He said no way, it was over two hours away and in such an obvious place that someone had surely taken it already. I bit my lip hard to prevent myself from launching into moralizing, judging or criticizing. There was no point as he obviously felt horrible. When he told me how Rodney had rushed him, I made the observation of how I noticed that he needed to make his transition in his own time and that he has trouble when he’s rushed. I think he understood that as never before. I also think he felt supported by me for understanding that rather than being critical of him for forgetting.

Instead of getting frustrated and angry because your child doesn’t listen, create space for positive behavior. This can be as simple as waiting for a child to calm down; giving your child a loving look and smile; or lovingly touching your child and say, “I know you’ll do the right thing”. Each time you have faith and your child succeeds, you build confidence in your child’s decision-making ability. Each time your child does not fulfill your expectation, it is an opportunity to gently help your child learn something new, practice compassion and allow your child to experience the consequences of their actions with you as a supportive caring and safe haven.

Parenting Styles

My son, I just love him so much, I think he should consider an acting career. I am trying to find ways for him to calm down after he gets hurt. Tonight he stepped on a

splinter and I had to pull it out. I realize that it probably did hurt badly. I don’t mind if he cries, yells, whatever. But he just seems to enter into some kind of crazy hysterics whenever something like this happens! A lot of times he gets unreasonable, totally out of control. I try soothing talk, acknowledging his pain, and sympathizing. Maybe I go overboard? I try to get him to take deep breaths but he just cries “I can’t I can’t!” Do

you think it’d work better if he practiced this just during a *normal* time? What can I do to help him stay calm, or help him calm down when he is hurting?

In terms of parental response to kids in general, there are basically 3 approaches:

1. Parent as drill sergeant (too strict)

2. Parent as rescue pilot (too permissive)

3. Parent as consultant (balanced)

The drill sergeant parent will look at a (not seriously) hurt child and respond with, “It’s not that bad, Don’t cry, Don’t be a baby, just take care of it, big boys don’t cry, suck it up”, etc. This parent will not be physically or emotionally available to the child. The child will typically misinterpret this parental response with ideas such as:

“I need to hide my feelings”

“My parent doesn’t care”

“When I’m hurt I need to keep it to myself, or not seek help”

“If I get louder and more obnoxious, maybe they’ll see me”

When parents respond to with this style over time, children develop mistaken beliefs like;

“I can’t show my feelings”

“I have to take care of myself, do it alone”

“There’s no one there for me but me”

As adults, these are the people who don’t seek out a doctor until they’re half-dead, or hide their feelings from people, or have an attitude that “I have to look out for #1 (me) because no one else will”.

The parent as rescue pilot responds dramatically;

“Oh my God! Let me see! Oh, you poor baby! Mommy will make it all better!”

“Here let me kiss it for you and make it all better, You want some ice cream?”

“Shhh. it’s OK, it won’t hurt anymore!”

Typically, kids eat-up this response. They respond with even more drama, loving every minute of all this love and attention. Kids who weren’t even hurt that bad become sobbing, helpless and needy, basking in all your love and attention. These children develop beliefs such as;

“It pays to get hurt, I can get lots of love and attention this way”

“Even if it’s not that bad, if I play it up I might get a treat”

“When I get hurt, someone else will make it better for me”

“I don’t know how to take care of myself, other people are there for that”

As adults these people tend to be accident prone, needy and hypochondriacs.

The parent as consultant brings a balanced response to the situation;

“OW! That looks like it hurts!” wait for the child’s response, they will tell you the degree of hurt involved, either, “Aw, it’s not that bad” or “Yeah! It really stings!”

Either way, they feel you care. Then the consultant says, “What do you think I would do if I fell down and scraped up my knee like that?” or “What do you think you need to do to fix it or make it feel better?” the child typically looks upward, searching their brain, THINKING! Thinking is a good thing for kids to do, and as consultants, we teach them how to think out solutions. If they are really hurt bad, we might need to make suggestions, if not you can follow their lead and make sure they remember all that needs to be done. If she says, “Put a Band-Aid on it?” you can say, “Yes great! And it looks like there is some dirt, what else do you need?” she says, “A towel to wash it off?” you say, “Great idea! And what can you put on it so it doesn’t get infected?” she says, “Spray that stuff on it?” you say, “Great! How about if I go get the stuff and help you fix it up?” This child comes to believe things like;

“When I get hurt, people care about my feelings”

“When I get hurt, I can figure out what needs to be done”

“I am loved and capable of taking care of myself”

Feeling loveable AND capable is one essence of self-esteem.

Parents have a variety of choices regarding their parenting style. Are you a strict, disciplinarian? Do you expect children to do as you say, not as you do? Or are you permissive, letting the child do as he or she pleases, afraid of their whining, demands, and pleas? Do you give in to them, to avoid unleashing their rage that will be directed at you? Perhaps you use rewards to excess, coercing children into acceptable behaviors by bribing them with external goodies.

These parenting styles reflect thousands of years of training in autocratic societies. We adopt a parenting style similar to our parents, or exactly the opposite in defiance of their ways. This has passed from generation to generation since culture began. Democracy is relatively new to the world and therefore the parenting style appropriate to raising children in preparation for living this way, fairly new as well. The parenting style most effective for preparing children to live in a democratic society

has been dubbed in most publications as “authoritative”. The following are some personal examples of how authoritative style works as an alternative to punishment, permissiveness and rewards.

My five-and six-year-olds were running around the house, yelling, screaming, fighting etc. I was going nuts as I was trying to get dinner ready. I yelled at them to knock it off (the beginning of punishment) and when that didn’t work, I was tempted to really let them have it (punishment). Instead I decided to redirect as an authoritative approach. I took a moment, got down on their level and asked them what they could do to make themselves useful so I could finish making dinner. They decided to sweep the floor together. They immediately settled down and got to work. I was amazed when they also decided to mop, and then wiped the windowsills clean. The bedlam ended and left us all feeling valuable, capable and proud of our contributions.

My ten-year-old had a problem when friends came over. Her room would become a disaster, which she could not ever seem to clean up. Instead of letting her get away with irresponsibility (permissiveness), then having a week-long battle, I decided to redirect. We discussed this and came up with a mutually agreeable solution. Every half-hour I would announce “Room check in five minutes!” and she and her friend would need to straighten everything except what they were playing with. The result was a clean room and a child who learned she needed to be responsible to get what she wanted.

My five-year-old son showed me an empty plastic cup after school. He said he had gotten some M&Ms for counting his numbers well (reward). I said, “Great job, Michael!” He said, “Yeah, but it isn’t even related!” He intuitively knew that the reward was not related to his accomplishment. I told this story to one of my parenting classes and a teacher offered, “If the teacher had counted out the M&Ms, then it would have been related!”

An authoritative parenting style is much more effective than punishment, permissiveness or rewards. Each of these styles has a particular result. The punitive style can cause children to lie, to blame, to be irresponsible, to have low self-esteem and to feel A lack of trust. The permissive style can cause children to be disrespectful, to have low regards for others and to lack confidence. Rewarding child can have the backlash effect. Once a child decides they don’t need the reward, it becomes very difficult to motivate them. The authoritative style teaches children to think, increases confidence, self-esteem and cooperation and generally creates happy, self-sufficient, productive children.

Parental authority is probably the most important yet least understood quality for effective parenting. Many parents attempt to increase their parental authority with tools that actually result in undermining their authority. Below are listed some observations of the ways in which great parents hurt and help their parental authority.

Hurts

Inconsistency - The general rule is that the children can’t sleep in your bed. One or two nights a week though, you let them crawl in bed with you. Then you wonder why they want to sleep with you every night. You also wonder why you have to fight with them to sleep in their own bed.

Helps

Trustworthiness - Make sure that you are consistent with rules. If you want to have your parental authority respected, then the kids need to trust in the way you operate. If they have learned that you change your mind when they whine long enough, then they will whine long enough and then some until you give in. If they have come to trust you when you say “yes” or “no”, they will respect your authority more willingly.

Hurts

Lecturing - Using too many words with children can undermine your authority. For example, “How many times have I told you to pick up your mess in the living room? Don’t you know how busy I am, I’m not your slave”! It doesn’t end here. Typically, we as parents, in our concern, lecture and remind on a daily basis on this issue, without seeing the child change his behavior.

Helps

Conciseness - State what you want the child to do and what the outcome will be. Choose your words intentionally and specifically so that each word is clear and has meaning. For example, “When the living room is picked up, you can go outside and play”. If the child tries to engage you in a negotiation, repeat your sentence EXACTLY as before, in the same tone and with the same words. This is called the broken record routine.

Hurts

Hypocrisy - This can undermine parental authority more than anything else can. Telling our children to keep their rooms clean and yet keeping our room a disaster, is hypocrisy and the kids love to point out it out!

Helps

Integrity - The manner in which we live our life can impact our parental authority in a positive way if we live with integrity. If we expect our children to be kind, they should see us showing kindness to others. If we expect them to be charitable, we need to model giving to others. Children come to respect us, not because we tell them to, but because we live our lives in a manner that has the result of a child feeling respectful towards us.

Recognition of these qualities is 90% of the effort it takes to change them (if you need to) or remember to use them when applicable. When your parental authority is strong, you will have much greater influence on your child’s behavior.

Power Struggles

“HOORAY! I’m in a power struggle with my child!”

From which planet is the parent who said says that? Seriously, consider the impact on our attitude towards parenting if we celebrated each time we entered a power struggle with our child. Think of what a difference it would make. In reality, this is nearly impossible, unless we have the understanding about the developmental importance of a power struggle (for both the parent and the child) and the tools to redirect the associated misbehavior. A feeling of power is important to us as a basic emotional need. When this need for power develops, how it develops and what a child learns regarding his own power in the world are all issues taught by the parent – directly or indirectly. Yes, I am the one who taught my child to oppose me in this way!

During the first two years of life, the child learns to oppose the parent. By age three, the child usually has the skill developed to such an extent that a parent can feel overwhelmed, overpowered, overrun and quite angry and determined to get this child to behave better. Unfortunately, most well-intentioned attempts by parents to over power children who are being defiant, fail. This causes the parent to feel guilty, inept and incompetent. And as a result, the child typically feels angry, more defiant and continues to misbehave.

Why Do Children Power Struggle?

A sense of power is a basic social and emotional need. Until about the age of two, a child has very little sense of self. The child and parent are “one” in the child’s world. Somewhere in the second year, the child begins to develop a concept of self as separate from the parent. This discovery coincides with the recognition that behavior by the child can create a resultant emotion or behavior by the parent. So a child is learning by observation what causes mom or dad to react, and this reaction creates a sense of power in the child (as the one who causes the reaction).

What Did I Do To Cause My Child to Power Struggle With Me?!

As crazy as it sounds, we do in fact accidentally “cause” our children to power struggle with us. Some of you may object to this idea and for that I just ask you to stay with me a moment. By taking responsibility for causation, you will actually get your parental power back. If you caused it, then you can un-cause it. The most powerless position you can take is to blame your child for their behavior. Why? Because this leaves you in a hopeless position. If you are power struggling with your child and you did nothing to cause it, then you probably cannot change it either. Alternatively, if you see the way in which you helped your child come to the belief that the power struggle with you is fun or fulfills their need to feel powerful by opposing you, you can choose to stop doing that discipline response.

So what is it that we do to cause a child to power struggle with us? Very simply put, we escalate our emotional response. What does this mean? Let’s take an example of a child of about six months old. I’ll use my daughter Michelle as an example. She learned to crawl over to the entertainment center, pull herself up, and pop open the glass doors. The glass would become gooey with her fingerprints. She would slam them, bang on them

and otherwise frustrate me completely. So the first time I mistakenly responded by telling her no and taking her away from the cabinet. (This was before I had parenting classes, please keep in mind, this is not how I would respond today!) The next time she did it, I mistakenly told her no in a louder voice and with more frustration and aggravation. Then third time and the fourth, each time I became louder and more upset, until I began to slap her hands, give her “that look” and otherwise frantically attempt to control her overt defiance of me. She only became more defiant and was having more fun watching the show that mom was putting on for her. If I remember correctly, the doors eventually lost their ability to “pop” open, they remained covered with fingerprints and she eventually outgrew or became bored with her behavior. I don’t recall ever succeeding in teaching her to leave them alone. I do think that she learned how fun it was to defy me, and was very interested to find endless other ways in which to see mom lose control. I do not think she consciously said, “I’m out to get mom”, but she learned unconsciously that by defying me, she would feel very powerful.

Please Tell Me! How Can I Un-Cause This Pattern?

So glad you asked! It’s really very simple. Every time your child misbehaves in a specific way, you need to decide how to respond, and use that exact same response every single time your child misbehaves in that same way. In the example above, I would look at my child and decide to myself, “Hmmm…what is the best response for this age, stage, and behavior? At six months old, she is really too young for lectures or explanations. The best discipline for little ones is distraction or repetition. So what I will do is pick her up gently, and murmur, “Michelle will learn to stay away from the glass if she wants to play in the living room” while walking her calmly out of the room. I have to respond that way every single time she goes to the glass. I cannot raise my voice, say it louder, hold her firmer, or in any way escalate my emotional response, or I lose my parental power. I must respond like a broken record over and over again. At six months old, I may need to repeat 20, 30, 50 times before she learns, but she eventually will learn. The best thing about this response is that she won’t learn to have the power to “cause” me to lose control. You can begin this idea at any age and stage to get your power (i.e. influence) back as the parent. Once you have learned how to stop causing the connection between their misbehavior making them feel powerful, then you can be much more successful in redirecting power struggles.

Offering children choices is a great way to get out of a power struggle. Keep in mind that choices need to be age appropriate. A choice that empowers a three year old may not empower a seven year old. You should only offer choices that work for you. You don’t want to say, “You can stop throwing the toy or not”. Instead say, “You can play with the toy on the floor or not at all.” Finally, there may be a time where you make a mistake and offer two options but you really want your child to choose only one of them. However when they choose the other one, you realize it’s not acceptable and you try to change their mind. Not fair. If you offer the choices, please support your child 100% fully in whichever choice he chooses. Here are a few more ideas for offering choices:

1. Concrete choices: “Do you want to wear the red pants or the blue pants?”

2. Choices with incentives: “Do you want to go to bed now and I’ll read you three stories or go to bed in five minutes and I’ll read you one story?”

3. Playful choices: “Do you want to do cartwheels or hop on one foot to your room?”

4. Immediate choices: “Do you want to go to bed now or now?”

5. Choices with consequences: “You may play with the truck on the floor or choose a soft toy to play with on the table. If you run the truck on the table again, I will take the

truck away.”

Remember, not everything is a choice. If the behavior needs firm guidance, it is not necessary to offer a choice. Giving children choices is a tool to empower children in times of powerlessness, to make parenting fun and to help children learn to think about options.

What’d You Mean NO?

“NO! I Won’t Pick It Up!”“NO! I Don’t Want To Eat That!”“NO! You Can’t Make Me Do It!”“NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

“NO!”--This one word probably causes more stress and disharmony in our relationship with our children than any other word in our language. As parents, we often become distracted from the task at hand by this word. We may discipline our child for his attitude, rather than focusing on the job or task that needs to be done.

What is it about this tiny word that causes such an extreme reaction from us? I don’t know about other parents--but when one of my children says “NO!” the hair on the back of my neck stands on end and I find myself thinking, “How dare you! After all I do for you, this is what you give me???”

Why does “NO!” push our “buttons”? Think back to when you were a child. What happened if you said no to your parents? Common responses are: “I’d be slapped, grounded, spanked, lectured or yelled at.” Some parents say, “I don’t know WHAT would have happened, I just KNEW -- not to say no.” Our experience has taught us that saying no to adults is a bad thing.

What did we learn? Since we parents, as children, were not allowed to say no in our homes directly, what did we do to say no indirectly? Common responses are:

• Lying

• Sneaking

• Plotting revenge

• Doing a rotten job so they wouldn’t ask you again

• Talking back

• Taking it out on someone weaker

Are children today saying “NO!” more than past generations? Maybe they are! The children in school these days are learning to “JUST SAY NO!” Then, when the child comes home from school and just says, “NO!” to us, how do we react? Probably with, “Don’t you ever say “no” to me!” The child is bewildered especially if he or she is young. There is a conflict because young children have not developed the abstract thinking necessary to fully understand the difference.

Why do children say “No”? There are certain stages where saying “No” becomes

an important developmental task. At two and three-years of age, children are individuating from their parents. They are discovering their power and the limits in their environment. At school age, children are learning to be assertive, take care of themselves in social situations and are becoming increasingly influenced by peers and other relationships. Teens rebel to discover their individuality and values. There are positive aspects to these developmental achievements.

How do we usually respond when children say “No” to us? Generally we parents respond in one extreme or another. We may give in to the demand (permissiveness) out of exhaustion, frustration, or lack of a better idea. The permissive approach does not teach our child respect or responsibility. The opposite is to respond by banishing the word “no” completely and taking punitive measures to enforce the rule. The punitive approach may cause unwanted side effects (lying, sneaking, revenge).

One word -- so much to think about.

Let’s say you are ready to take a risk, and deal “directly” with children, by incorporating some reasonable use of the word no into your home. I know it sounds strange, but my kids say “Yes” more often when they know that it’s OK to say “No” sometimes. Here are some suggestions to get started:

Discuss it with your spouse. Take time to consider the pros and cons together. Talk to each other about the goals you have for your children. Discuss how this may benefit or hinder them in your long term parenting plan. Agree about what you really want your children to learn about saying no, for their future. Then choose the best plan for teaching them over the years. Decide to support each other and present a united front.

Model saying “NO” respectfully. If we want to teach our children to say no in a respectful way, we need to model it for them. So when you say “No” to your child, say it in the same tone of voice that will be acceptable to you in the future. If we scream “No!” at them, they are likely to respond in kind. One thing I do is say, “No, I’m not willing to do that, but I would be willing to do this instead.” Now I find my children will say this to me occasionally. “No, I’m not willing to wash the dishes, but I’ll rinse them off and put them away instead.” I find this much easier to hear, and I even admire my child’s creative thinking, as opposed to a flat unwillingness to cooperate.

Request a respectful “NO” and acknowledge them. When a child says “No” in a snotty voice, you can say, “I respect your right to say “No” to me and I want you to say it respectfully, like this, “No.” Request them to repeat it back to you respectfully. Immediately go back to the issue at hand, usually a task that needs to be done. “The dog still needs to be fed, what will you do?” Not getting caught in the battle over the word no can avoid 80% of the power struggles that occur with children.

“NO.” It is amazing how much power this little word has. Perhaps we can create better relationships with our children and give them skills that will be valuable to them as adults. If we can face and conquer this uncomfortable issue directly, we may avoid many of the problems that occur in disciplining our children in a consistent manner.

The experts have told us that consistency is one key to effective parenting. We all know this in theory; however in practice we often fall short. What does consistency mean? The dictionary defines consistent as “constant in adhering to principals.” Therefore, to become consistent in parenting means that we address situations based on our family principals. So, how can we apply this idea in our homes?

The outward result that tells us that we are being consistent is that our children learn that we mean what we say. They do not try to change our minds or manipulate us on every issue. This is the end result of being consistent.

Often we attempt to force this result on our children without teaching them any basis from which to believe that we mean what we say! Saying you “mean it” does not count, it is your actions that matter.

The crucial idea for teaching our children we mean what we say is that we think about the answer before we give it. We have at least a hundred opportunities every day to practice. Children make requests all day long and generally we are in the habit of saying “no” immediately. Then, as the child persists, we think about it, and eventually give in. For example, a child asks to take the dog for a walk, we say “no” because we are too busy to think about it. Then our child whines, “But, why? Why can’t I take the dog for a walk? I’ll just go around the block and I’ll be really careful and I won’t bug you anymore!” Then we realize that this is, in fact, a good idea and we say, “Sure, go ahead.”

What has our child learned from this encounter? He has learned that he can change our mind by whining. Whereas, if we had thought through the answer first, and said yes right away, we would not have undermined our parental authority.

Start by pausing after your child makes a request. Ask yourself, “How does this request fit with our family principals?” Let’s say a child starts whining for a cookie right before dinner. You have a family principal of orderliness and that certain things happen at certain times. Therefore the answer to this request will be no, and you will not give in. Say it once and then allow your child to whine, beg and plead while you just wait patiently. When he has stopped, you can say, “Thank you for stopping”.

Be sure to give yourself plenty of time to think through the answer and how it applies. Say “Yes” as much as you can, be kind and firm with the “No and discover the peacefulness of consistency.

Getting Kids to Listen to You

Hi. I very much need help. I have a two-and-a-half-year-old daughter, and I am losing it where she is concerned. We have tried to raise her well, she is bright and intelligent, but she has become so incredibly rude and insolent that I sometimes find myself wanting to slap her. She will NOT listen. She is obnoxious, has rotten temper tantrums and whines from morning till night. She tells me to shut up if I dare tell her anything.

Before you tell me “she’s two, it’s normal”, and that we must be lousy parents, let me assure you, we have never abused her, we taught her to be polite and respectful, etc. She does go to daycare, and maybe she learns this there, I don’t know. All I know is it’s gotten to the point where I am afraid to spend time alone with her; she is so out of control. Please help!

I’m sure it is terrible to feel afraid to be alone with your daughter because of her behavior. However, I suggest you shift from this fear to anticipation of creating results. It’s not too healthy for you or her to be like this in your relationship. At this point, you sound very hurt by her behavior, all you’ve done is nurtured and cared for her and this is what you get. This often happens with bright children. Believe me, she is not out to get you! She may be searching for boundaries and limits and you can stay calm and give them to her. She should lessen these behaviors as she begins to understand the limits. So, some suggestions:

1) A child who is in a power struggle generally feels powerless inside. The only way the child feels powerful is to oppose us. So it helps to redirect the child to get their need to feel powerful met through more appropriate behavior. Find some way for her to be in charge, to take the lead, or have to have something to do related to your fight. Ask yourself, “How can I give my daughter more power right now?” If she can find some other way to be powerful, then it not only fixes the problem of her misbehavior, but also builds her self-esteem, which helps to prevent future power struggles.

2) Make it a point to respond to her behavior, rather than react to it. When she misbehaves, decide that you are going to handle it calmly and rationally and decide you are capable of doing this. You are! Think of it like this: you have something your daughter desperately needs, and her behavior is designed to get it from you. It is a gift you have to give her, a gift ONLY you can give her. It is something you are going to give her and will be a learning she will take with her all her life. Maybe you don’t know what it is, but your job is to never give up. My middle child was very similar when she was your daughter’s age. Our relationship changed for the better when I found out what she was looking for from me. I was always battling with her, always frustrated, always felt inadequate at dealing with her. When she was three-years-old, in exasperation, I asked her, “Michelle, why did you choose me to be your mom?” she said simply, “To have fun”. I can’t tell you how this had changed our relationship. I noticed when I made things fun and a game, a mystery, a puzzle, she would learn and cooperate and we would be close. When I’d operate from my stuffy adult mode, we’d battle. So, the thing you’re discovering is not the same as mine, but there probably is something that will help.

3) Make plans ahead of time for dealing with repeated misbehaviors you would like to change. Make these tiny steps. Instead of using, “Get her to stop saying shut up all the time to me”, write down, “She listens when I ask her to______.” And take it one task at a time. This will help the whole situation seem less overwhelming. Often a little

progress causes the big misbehaviors to disappear.

4) Start family meetings and allow her a turn to be leader. Create routine and family time that is sacred. When she realizes she is part of a team (family) that works together and her creative ideas can and will be implemented, she may find herself busier with looking for ways to spend “fun” family time together instead of “running the show”.

5) Write down three things you love about her. Every time you need to discipline her, or when she talks back, read those three things to yourself first, and then handle the situation. This will help you be in the most effective frame of mind for parenting firmly

and kindly- a combination that creates magical results with kids.

Creating agreements and making contracts is a great way to prevent problems as the kids get older. When the kids become school age and gain some abstract thinking, along with the ability to negotiate, you can then begin to make agreements about everything: TV/video/media, homework, curfews and just about everything else concerning the routine of family life.

The average teenager watches seven hours of television a day. This is a horrifying number. While TV can be educational, most of what the children watch when left to

their judgment is certainly not educational.

During all the years of raising my kids, I allowed no TV viewing. That is, I did have a VCR attached to a television set and we had a library of videos and rented movies available at all times in lieu of broadcast television. We also played many board games. Then we bought a PlayStation. In addition, we had a wide variety of computer games, some of which were educational, some not. I had many of the same fights over these forms of media that families with cable have over programming. Over the years I came up with some strategies for handling the fighting and excessive use of these toys.

One of the problems is that when kids watch TV, they ignore their parents. They forget to eat, to clean up after themselves, to do their chores and they even forget to play. Parents nag, kids ignore. The battle rages daily.

The key to taking back control of the media in your home is to make agreements ahead of time - before the TV/computer ever gets turned on. For example, create a clear agreement that spells out the limits and rules about the use of the computer game. Without agreements, when a new “Spiro” game comes out on PlayStation, my kids will fight for days over who gets to play. The rule we have is that they must first agree who plays and for how long, and at what time. Further, they must write all of this down. Then, they all have to sign the paper, as if it’s a contract. Here’s what it might look like:

Who gets to be on Play Station:Michelle 3:30-4:00Briana 4:00-4:30Michael 4:30-5:00

X_______________X______________X_______________

The first agreement is that they must do this before they turn on the game. The second agreement is that they make a detailed schedule of who plays and when. It must be hung up on the refrigerator. That way, if I think one kid is over the limit, or if there is a fight over whose turn it is, I can simply refer them to the schedule. If they do not adhere to their agreement, than the game is off for the day. I have found this routine to be a great way to keep myself out of the battles and for the kids to work out their issues with each other.

With television, you can set limits in a similar manner. Sit down with the family on Sunday when the TV Guide arrives. Make a chart with the programs that each will watch, make sure to have the TV off at all other times. One mom I know also includes a “No TV” night every week.

It is also helpful to make an agreement about what needs to happen before turning on the TV or video game. For example, my son likes to get up early and play. The agreement is that he has to be fully ready for school before he turns on the computer. It is spelled out in the agreement that he needs to get dressed, eat breakfast, brush his teeth and make his lunch. After just a few weeks of following through with the consequences, he learned to get everything finished before turning on the games.

The most important factor for the agreement to work is consistent follow through. Make sure that you stay involved with the kids, both in the agreement-making phase and while they are playing. Make sure that they adhere to the schedule. Follow through with the consequences with a kind and firm attitude. “It’s a bummer that the PlayStation is off for the rest of the day”. Don’t give in to their pleading or promises.

The giving-in is what undermines our authority. The children come to believe that if they make promises to behave better, then we will give in. They typically forget in a rather short period of time and we become exhausted and angry that they are not keeping their end of the contract. However, if we have agreed that the TV will go off if the agreement is not kept, and then we subsequently give in to a “bargain” they propose, we are then showing our children that contracts we make with them do not necessarily have to be kept. This is why the battle goes on and on.

During the training period of implementing a new agreement (usually 2-4 weeks) it is very important to maintain complete consistency and follow-through. Being flexible should not be an option during the training phase of the agreement. Flexibility is crucial in parenting, and there is a time and place for it. The time for flexibility is not while helping children learn a new routine. Once a new routine is established, then

you can become more flexible if you think that is appropriate. My experience has led me to believe that too much flexibility with routines leads to misbehaving kids. It’s better to maintain consistency with agreements and be flexible with issues that come up “in the moment”.

With some work and effort initially, making agreements with the kids and creating a plan for follow-through, you can avoid so many of the headaches you face on a daily basis, such as fights over the TV.

Why do teens like to stay up all night? Maybe it is a statement made by them that tells the world they are now dictator of their own time and body. Who knows? Do you toss and turn most of the night wondering where your teen is? Is he safe? What is he doing? Here are some creative ways parents and teens handle curfew:

• One father doesn’t care how late his teen is up as long as he and/or his friends are in the house. This helps keep his son off the streets.

• A mom and daughter make an agreement on what time her daughter will be home. They set an alarm clock in mom’s bedroom. If the daughter comes home on time, she (daughter) turns off the alarm. If the alarm goes off, that means mom can assume the worst of her fears and can start to call anyone she needs to.

• Another mom lets her daughter tell her when she will come home. Her daughter must provide the following information: place and phone of where she will be and who she will be with. She (daughter) is also responsible for calling and letting mom know if any of the information changes during the events of the evening.

• One mom sits down each year with her child on her birthday, and makes agreements for the next year regarding chores, schoolwork and curfew. If the curfew is 10 (p.m.), then she has to be in by 10 (p.m.) The process for exceptions is also agreed upon. For example, if there is a special circumstance, the curfew can be altered if the teen handles it with mom ahead of time. Also, if there is a problem, and the child might possibly be late, as long as she calls before 10 p.m. and relays to mom what the delay is, she can get a pass. Ultimately, if she (child) is late tonight (without calling) then she has to come in that much earlier the next time.

Instilling Responsibility

“Dad, where’s my backpack?”

“Mom! I forgot my lunch! You have to bring it now!”

“Where’d you put my sweatshirt?”

Do any of these statements sound familiar? At Positive Parenting, we have a saying:

“A child who always forgets has a parent who always remembers!”

Many of the complaints I hear from parents have to do with children’s irresponsible and forgetful behavior. It usually begins early, around four-or five-years-old, and peaks when a child hits junior high. Why? Because we train them to be this way. It starts when we happily picking up our screaming toddler’s bottle that rolled under the couch and give it to her. Before we know it, we have a pre-teen screaming at us that she can’t find her favorite jeans. That triggers us to snap back that if she didn’t keep her room such a mess, then maybe she could find the clothes she wants. So what happened in those intervening years?

First, parents often don’t realize how much young children can do. Many toddlers are very capable of understanding our words and body language, even when they cannot communicate that verbally. So in the example above, when a child is distressed, we often “rescue” the child. This is a natural, normal response. The “saving” of a small child from their distress is the way in which bonding occurs between parents and children. When a child cries because he is hungry, we “save” him by feeding him. When a child cries because she is wet, we “save” her when we change her diaper. This mechanism occurs instinctively under normal circumstances, and bonding between parent and child is established. The problem occurs when we “save” a child from an activity that she is capable of completing herself. So when her bottle rolls under the couch, you do not need to “save” her from starving right now. Now is the time to help her problem solve. You could play a game, “Where do you think your bottle went?” And start looking under things and behind things and help her to find the bottle. This way, she begins to learn self-sufficiency with your loving guidance.

Think of something that you are doing for your child that she could be doing for herself. Give this to your child as a new responsibility. In this way, you build her self-esteem and are teaching self-reliance.

The next complication occurs around the time that children start school. They forget their lunch, homework, sweaters, backpacks, library books…and on and on! They forget, and we nag, yell, complain, threaten and punish. Nothing seems to work! Here are three rules to teach children responsibility:

• Stop remembering for them

• Don’t say “I told you so!”

• Don’t tell them what will happen, let the consequences do the talking for you

So the first thing parents need to do is stop reminding. When parents remind children, they rely on the reminders and become incapable of remembering for themselves. We parents cannot understand why they don’t remember since we tell them over and over. But it’s the telling them over and over that creates the irresponsibility. The second thing we need to do is stop saying “I told you so!” or “See what happens when you forget?”

In this case the child is focused on how mean we are or how stupid they are, and are not focused on learning to be responsible. And finally, stop telling them how the world works. Let the world and the natural consequences in it teach your child. When you tell them, they will focus on you as the teacher and not learn from the way the world works. What I love most about this parental response is that I can make myself be the safe haven when that big bad world is teaching my children. For example, when Michael, my son, would forget his lunch, I would have a sandwich and food ready for him when he got home. “Wow, you must be starving! Here, have a sandwich!” If he tried to blame me, saying “Why didn’t you bring me my lunch!” I would just say, “You must have been really hungry from forgetting your lunch, you need another snack?” And he would see it was his responsibility and not mine, and I was actually soothing him.

Finally, over time you can help your children be more responsible by teaching them how to think. When you tell them what to do, they don’t learn. When you ask questions, in a loving way, they learn to use their brains.

When you find yourself telling your child to do something, phrase it in a question instead.

For example, instead of saying, “It’s time for school say “What time do you need to leave in order to be on time?”

Instead of saying, “Remember to turn in your library book. Say “How are you going to remind yourself to turn your library book in on time?”

Instead of saying, “Do your homework. Say “How much time to you need to do homework this evening?”

More than anything else, this style of communicating will create kids that who learn to remember, be responsible and accountable for their actions. You have so much to do with how your children learn to think, how they react and how they communicate. By asking questions, you become a master teacher of the very communication you want your children to learn to be successful in school and their lives.

Our children’s grades and schoolwork are such an integral part of our job as parents. One reason is that so many parents feel a huge burden of responsibility that their children do well in school. I find I have to tread very carefully when discussing this topic. Positive academic performance is a source of joy and pride in our children and poor performance such a source of shame and embarrassment. Ironically and unfortunately, when we parents “carry” the responsibility for our children’s academics, then the children don’t have to. In fact, if we look at ownership of academic performance as having a total of 100%, if we the parents carry 80% responsibility, then the child will only carry 20%. The trick is to consistently begin to give over responsibility until your child is carrying 100%. Many parents fear this because they wonder, “What will happen if I don’t make sure they do it?” The problem is, if you are doing it, the child is not! Your role needs to change from being responsible to being respectful. This leaves you in the position of being cheerleader, coach and fan. It is a process, one that starts in pre-school and ends when we have successfully delegated the responsibility to our child, hopefully prior to middle school and it definitely needs

to be complete by the time your child gets to high school. If not, you could possibly have a tremendous problem on your hands. Because of teenage development, kids that previously worked to make you proud or avoid disappointing you may now not care about that anymore. And now the school performance plummets.

Report cards are the single most detrimental object to you giving your child responsibility for their work. When that report cards comes home and you open it, evaluate, judge, comment, praise and criticize your child, you are showing them that you are responsible for their schoolwork. You are actually robbing the child of the opportunity to take responsibility. What I do instead is give my child their report card, unopened, and tell them to let me know when they are ready to let me know how they did. This gives them a great sense of empowerment and responsibility. It also allowed them to freely share with me their thoughts and feelings about their work. It allowed me to be a support person, rather than a judge. I found this gave me far more influence and ability to cheer them on and support them if they struggled. I knew my strategy had worked when I had the following exchange with my daughter.

About a week before parent conferences, Michelle, my nine-year-old was saying that she didn’t want me to go to her conference. She would get really upset and say, “You can’t go! You’re not going!” I was stumped. I kept asking her why she didn’t want me to go and wondering what she had done that she didn’t want me to find out about! A couple of days before the conference, we were having our nightly bedtime chat and she suddenly said, “That’s not fair, you get to see my report card before I do!” I was speechless. I thought for a moment and realized that I have always taught my kids that their schoolwork is theirs. So this was her effort, her work, her job and by gosh, her grades! I said, “Michelle, you are absolutely right! I never thought about it before, but those are your grades and I have no right to see them before you do! I’ll make sure your teacher lets you see them before me at conference, OK?” She nodded and triumphantly went to sleep. I didn’t get another complaint from her and she got to review her report card (with some hesitance from the teacher!) before I did.

So here are some additional tips for teaching your child ownership of his/her homework:

• Watch use of pronouns. Notice when you say, “We need to work on our homework.” Replace it with, “You need to work on your homework, would you like me to help you?”

• When you offer to help, become clear about your role. Providing support means asking my child to read me the directions (or read the directions to her) until she figures out what she needs to do.

• Ask questions. Questions encourage your child to think, “What do you think that means?” OR “How could you make that happen?” or “What do you need to do?”

Ask their opinion first. When your child brings you a graded paper, find out her feelings about it first. Look for signs of excitement or discouragement and make a comment, “You look proud. “or “You look bummed.”

Fun, Feelings and Gardening

So often parenting becomes a chore. In order to be effective, we must spend a great deal of time training our children, and especially following through with consequences to misbehavior. Sometimes it seems there just aren’t any more smiles or laughs from mom or dad. I think children can often be won over by our loving smile and warmth. Here are some ways to have fun when limits need to be set, or behavior needs to be redirected. Use these ideas when you don’t remember the last time you smiled at your child.

1) When standing in line somewhere, make up a game: give your child your undivided attention and play with your child. Instead of making them stand quietly and leave us alone, which is so boring for them, this method allows you to take time to bond with your child and have fun with her.

2) Sing the limits. Hum it, rap it, or sing to your favorite oldie. This helps remove the bossy edge from your voice.

3) Put the kids in charge of the time to leave a place or to get somewhere. State beforehand with what time everyone needs to leave the beach and ask for a volunteer to be timekeeper.

4) Make a family assembly line. One year when we went to Hawaii, I was one adult with three kids. We came up with a routine to transfer luggage. One would stay at the curb and three would take some luggage inside to the line. One would stay with that luggage while two went back for more luggage. Back and forth in teams we went, until all luggage was transferred. This worked throughout the entire trip and was fun, entertaining and it got the job finished.

5) Give your kids a budget, whenever possible, while you are shopping or on vacation. Allow everyone to have a certain amount they are allowed to spend. This method stops them from begging and stops us from responding to the begging by giving in, thus promoting more begging. Once in awhile, I surprise them with an outrageous budget, just for fun. Just think on a mundane trip to Target, offering them $20 to get what they want. FYI, my only limit is no candy. They have so much fun and it decreases the begging and pleading on this trip and on future ones.

6) Smile, laugh and play. We are so busy that it seems most of our time is taken with chores and “have to do’s”. Staying on task is certainly important, and so is having fun! Attempt to be in the moment and make the moment worthwhile for your child. Maybe it’s just cleaning, or cooking, or yard work. We can still choose to have some fun and make it interesting for our children. Notice the birds that fly by, smell the trunk of a tree (yes, some of them smell)! Take just a small amount of time to notice little details

and point them out to your children with excitement and fun.

I went on an errand one afternoon, leaving my 11-year-old daughter, Briana, home alone. Twenty minutes later, I returned to find my child sobbing hysterically on the couch. “What happened, what’s the matter?” I frantically asked her. She couldn’t answer, just continued to sob. I panicked. “Did someone hurt you?” She shook her head no. “Did you hurt yourself?” Again, no. Whew! “Briana! What happened?”

Between sobs, I heard, “Ha-ha-HAmster.” Uh oh. We have a neighbor cat that the kids love to play with. The only problem: my daughter also had a beloved pet hamster named milkshake. Fearing the worst, I ran to the room. I peeked in the cage, there was little milkshake, very alive, teeth bared. “She’s OK!” I yelled, Briana came in the room, still crying. But unbelieving. Briana said milkshake was laying with her leg hanging out of the cage. Briana was sure that cat had hurt it. She said, “I got so mad at the cat, I picked her up and tossed her outside,” pretty violent for my normally peace-loving daughter.

Oddly, she remained upset. I said, “Did you feel guilty that if the hamster was dead, it would have been your fault for letting the cat in?” she nodded. Bingo! That was it. Briana began to sob again, BUT this time I held her in my arms and let her cry. When she began to calm down, we were able to talk about what had happened and what she would do differently from then on. She was grateful, relieved and had learned a very important lesson about being responsible for keeping the bedroom door shut if she let the cat in.

A child’s feeling of guilt is an opportunity for the child to learn about responsibility and the consequences of his or her actions. Parental response to guilt can have a tremendous impact on the development (or lack) of a child’s conscience, the ability to learn right from wrong, and their level of social interest and responsibility. Children who are allowed to feel their feelings, and ARE helped by their parents to identify their feelings learn the skills to deal with life in a responsible way. Feelings in children that are suppressed nevertheless will find a way to surface, often in a wide variety of misbehaviors. Some of the ways in which we parents unknowingly block important feelings in children are:

• Rescuing - “I’ll make sure you that cat stays out of the house from now on. You don’t worry about it anymore!”

• Punishing - “You’re grounded from playing with the cat for one month!”

• Solving the Problem - “Why don’t you just cheer up, we’ll go out for ice cream and you won’t have to think about the cat anymore.”

• Moralizing - “How could you be so irresponsible to let the cat in the room with the hamster? When I was young I was a very responsible girl and would never have let something like this happen!”

• Denial - “You shouldn’t feel guilty about letting the cat in, it wasn’t your fault!”

• Humiliating - “I can’t believe you let this happen, how could you do this to your poor hamster? I’m so ashamed of you. I’m going to make sure your friends know what you’ve done so you never let something like this happen again!”

• Pitying - “Oh, honey, that bad cat, she shouldn’t be picking on the hamsters like that and scaring you!”

• Lecturing - “From now on young lady, you are going to be more careful with that hamster. I want you to always check before....”

While our intention is to teach our child a lesson in the above examples, our results are often much different. The child focuses on how unfair we are, or how bad they are, rather than on learning from their mistake. If we want our child to learn, it is critical that we address feelings first and then work with the child on dealing with the situation. Some ways to encourage feelings are:

• Be Empathetic - “I understand how you are feeling; I have felt that too, it hurts doesn’t it?”

• Validate Feelings - “You have a right to feel that way. If it happened to me, I probably would feel the same way.”

• Identify Feelings - “Sounds like you feel _____.” or “That must feel______.” or “Are you feeling sad?”

• Listen Intently - Make direct eye contact and listen for what is going on in her life. Listen as if it were your best friend talking to you. “I am listening. I am interested in what you are saying.”

• Be Curious - “That’s interesting, I want to know more about how you are feeling about that.” or “How could you handle that next time?” or “Anything else?”

• Affirm Feelings - “You’re feeling really sad!” or “I can see how angry you are!”

• Invite Expression of Feelings - “Tell me more. I want to know how you feel.” “I’m on your side.”

Once you have acknowledged the child’s feeling, you will see visible relief in the child and will feel very close in your relationship. This is a wonderful window of opportunity for you to share in communication with your child, a time of feeling close and connected with your child. It is these times when you will feel you and your child are really listening to each other and hearing each other. When you build closeness in your relationship this way, you will find that you have much greater influence in your child’s thoughts and decisions, they will begin to ask you what you think. Just to let you know, after we talked about the hamster incident, Briana saw that cat and went outside to apologize.

I’ve been a gardener for as long as I can remember. My dad always had a plot wherever we lived in Camarillo. The height of my learning was when I was ten-years-old and we moved to a house on an acre in Santa Rosa Valley. My dad bought a rototiller and a good 1/8 acre of our land was tilled, plotted, planted, nurtured and picked by the two of us. Thirty-five years later, and gardening is still a family value for me. It’s something I treasure and enjoy. AND, I still have and use the old Troy-Bilt rototiller from 1975!

Gardening is a great way to teach children about life. I remember asking Briana when she was 12-years-old what she had learned from our family gardening. She said, “Cooperation, teamwork, being responsible, that we don’t have to eat poisoned food (we are organic) and about taking care of the earth through composting and recycling.” WOW! Quite a list, I am impressed. I would also add sanity, prosperity and understanding the cycles of life and death. Here is how we all have learned these basic values through gardening together:

Cooperation & Teamwork - Children have a natural ability to work as a team. Siblings in particular, do not need to be taught this; we need only allow it to occur. Provide a fun and purposeful environment and watch them work together. I do the tilling, and show the kids how much space they have. They then sit down and figure out what they want to plant and where. I have them write things down, make lists and draw pictures of how it will look. We take a trip to Green Thumb and they buy what they need. Back in the garden, I help them plant and everyone feels proud of hard work accomplished.

Responsibility - Once the garden is planted, it must be cared for, weeded, fed and watered. The more involved the children are in the set up process, the more pride of ownership they have in their work. This inspires them to be responsible in caring for the plants.

Healthy Living & Environmentally Concerned - Now, more than ever, our children are exposed to the controversy over environmental hazards such as the use of pesticides. Organic gardening allows children to see the benefits, as well as the drawbacks of gardening without chemicals. On the one hand, we know our veggies are safe and will not poison our bodies. On the other hand, we sometimes get “little friends” that we hadn’t expected in our artichokes. Maintaining a pest free garden without chemicals is a tough job. Fortunately, the kids, and especially my son, are more than willing to help me pick the creepy crawlies off the plants when necessary. The kids also planted Marigolds around parts of our garden when they learned in school they help deter some pests.

Do you fight with kids to get them to eat their greens? No problem here, the kids stuff themselves on peas and beans, fresh and raw from the garden but not if I buy them. They love fresh carrots, melons, corn and strawberries. When Michelle was 15-months-old she picked a tomato and ate it like an apple! It just seems to taste better when you have grown it yourself.

Sanity - Mostly mine! I have found the garden to be a great way to take a time out when our family is stressing. It is also a great way to redirect some of that boundless energy the children have that tends to get out of control if contained in the house.

Prosperity - One summer, my children decided at a family meeting that they wanted to have “Chuckie Cheese Night” once a week. I told them that was a great idea and that they needed to figure out a way to create the money as I was not willing to fund it at 100%. So they came up with the idea of selling vegetables from the garden. A wooden stand was constructed and the kids painted it with vegetable pictures and a large “Garden

Goods for Sale” sign. They set up shop and were quite prosperous! One afternoon, they made $22 in two hours -mostly from artichokes. From this experience, they have learned they can create the money to get what they want in life. Instead of telling them, “I can’t afford it” when they ask for something, I say, “How many vegetables could you sell to create the money for that?”

Cycles of Life and Growth - Watching a garden grow with children is a unique experience in observing the way life works. By taking the opportunity to use analogy and metaphor through the crops growing in the garden, the children and I have had conversations about birth, growth, and death. We plant, care for and harvest our vegetables and then pull up the plants and take them to the compost pile. When we lose a pet, we return it to the earth in the garden with a little ceremony, celebrating their time in our lives. The children see how all life is a cycle of growing, usefulness and return to mother earth.

Parenting with Teamwork and Vision

When two people get married and decide to have children, they rarely talk about the specifics of how they plan to raise these children. Most people have a de facto attitude that says, “My parents raised me x, y or z way and I turned out just fine and I’ll raise my kids that same way”. While the wonderful person they married has the same idea and attitude, but that parent was raised with a, b and c parenting. So the real problems begin when these two parents have a two-year old and their parenting styles begin to clash. What usually happens is that one parent tends to be stricter than the other. The strict parent gets angry when the lenient parent allows too much leeway. The lenient parent gets upset when they believe the strict parent is acting too restrictive. The result? The strict parent gets stricter and the lenient parents gets more lenient until they are battling all the time over discipline. The children have a field day of misbehavior in this dynamic, learning to play one parent against the other and running amuck. The parents forget that it’s their relationship that’s most important. That the two parents work together to raise the children is a higher priority than the parenting skills of either parent.

While it would be great if parents could have conversations about the specific details of child-rearing, specifically how to handle discipline and behavior issues-most parents don’t. Instead they wait until they are actually raising their own children. One of the pieces of advice I would give couples contemplating children would be to have, “What would we do in this situation?” discussions. Observing other parents and their children and talking about how you would each prefer to handle the situation can give you a great deal of information about how your partner plans to parent your future children. For those of us already married, we can use this idea to gain more insight about our partner. In a situation where discussing your child becomes a battle, try looking at other parents issue with a child and discuss together how that parent could do things differently and what each of you would do in the situation. It is easier to know what someone else should do, so make sure to bring the discussion back to yourselves and see how you can apply that advice in the challenges you are facing with your children. For example, I had been having a difficult time knowing where to set boundaries with my 17-year-old daughter. I wasn’t certain about how much involvement my husband, her step-dad, wanted or needed to have in the often heated discussions she and I had been having. A friend of ours was having similar, yet even more extreme issues with his son and his wife, the step-mom. The step-mom and my husband parent similarly. I asked my husband what he thought the step-mom’s role should be: how much involvement she should have in the situation, and what she should do. His answers were very interesting, not what I had expected, and they guided my decision about how much I could and should involve my husband in the issues between my daughter and me.

Once a couple realizes that they are undermining each other’s parenting, and assuming they are willing to work on ending such behavior, here is the way to get back on track:

The strict parent gets to be the parenting leader. The lenient parent has to follow the lead of the strict parent in discipline situations. You cannot do it in the reverse! If you follow this advice, what will happen is that the two of you will begin to move closer together. When the strict parent is supported, then he or she can stop over-compensating for the leniency of the other. The strict parent becomes more flexible and generous in parenting. When the lenient parent sees that the children are not suffering, and in fact are benefitting from the more firm rules and structure of the strict parent, the lenient parent can learn to be more firm in his or her parenting and come closer to being on the team with the strict parent. Now, the two of you become both kind and firm parents, each supporting each other, feeling confident the other is disciplining the children with the best of intentions, actions and results. You can have beneficial discussions on what to do with the children, and each of you feel that you have someone on your side when the parenting gets tough. Doesn’t that sound much better?

The children of a couple with a loving supportive relationship, who back each other up as parents, but nevertheless have marginal parenting skills will be better off than a warring couple that knows all the latest and greatest parenting tools and skills. That relationship is setting the example for how the entire family should be and as the role model and leader, it has more influence that just about any other dynamic in the family. So, if your relationship has taken a back seat to the kids, maybe it’s time to schedule that date night again. Spend more time at the beginning and end of each day connecting as a couple, and if necessary, get into some couple counseling. Those things can in some cases benefit your children even more than reading a parenting book or taking a parenting class. And do read the book and take the class --after you have re-committed to keeping your relationship on track!

What would it be like if our family were perfect? Not the sort of perfect that doesn’t allow mistakes, conflicts or individual differences, but the sort of perfect as in, “Life is good, we have great kids and we’re doing a pretty decent job of parenting them and we have fun most of the time”. If that were the case what would it look like for your family?

The answer to this question is illustrated in one of the exercises we do in the “Redirecting” class. Close your eyes for a moment (yes, right after you read the rest of this paragraph.) Visualize your family cooperating and working well as a team. What are they doing? What are they saying? What’s the attitude or tone of voice that you and your children are using? Use all five of your senses to really experience your family happy and cooperative.

What did you see? How did it feel to visualize everyone getting along? Many parents report that it’s a new experience. So often we focus on what we don’t want. “I don’t

want to yell, I don’t want them to fight and I don’t want them to ignore me.” Instead we need to constantly place our focus and our energies on what we do want to see. Visualize them talking to each other (and you) in a respectful tone. Hear them resolving conflicts by talking it out. See them listening to each other and coming to an agreement and feel the feeling that happens when they listen to you when you make a request.

Many families are basically happy. The problem is the parents don’t know it. We are trained in our society to be overly self-critical, to complain, to be stressed and to never have enough or be enough. Since we are so consumed by the things that we don’t want, typically we are not even aware of what we do want. Your family could be perfectly happy. And if you have never taken the time to visualize and therefore identify good times, you would not recognize them when they showed up.

Take some time this week or this month, to visualize family perfection. This exercise is not just for parents. Ask your children to close their eyes and imagine the family cooperating and working as a team. It is quite interesting to hear their ideas of family unity. Be persistent in keeping your focus on what you do want. Sometimes parents are so frustrated and at their wit’s end from the negative behavior that it seems is difficult or impossible to visualize the positive.

Parent with Finesse

With our busy lives, we often look to short term, easy answers for everything. We have fast food, computers, the latest gadget or gizmo to save us time, money or to alleviate stress. Many of these new ideas are great and do make our lives easier. The area of raising our children, however, is quite a different matter.

Our approach to discipline often tends be “single event oriented.” Take the example of a child who does not get ready for school on time. We might yell, nag, threaten and have a rotten morning every day. This pattern usually ends up with the parent as responsible for the child’s behavior. This causes the parent to use some sort of force or control to get the child out the door on a regular basis. If we instead take a long-term approach, we will realize there are many opportunities for teaching the child skills that will benefit them in the long run. These skills will also serve to lighten our burden of being responsible for something the child can most likely be responsible for himself.

One example is a mom and seven-year-old daughter having the “morning trauma.” So mom decided to take a new approach. She turned over the responsibility of getting ready in the morning to her daughter, including getting up (she gave her an alarm and taught her to use it), getting dressed and fixing herself breakfast. With these new responsibilities, she gained a sense of pride and accomplishment. She became motivated to cooperate because of the feeling of worth and value she felt inside. The mother, so relieved to have this burden lifted, showers her daughter with gratitude and acknowledgment for her contribution. The mother reports that the morning routine is working well nearly every day.

Another example is from a mom of five in the class. Her 16-year-old son comes home from school, into her home office to tell her about his day. She listens to him while she works. There was no problem here. The kid is a very agreeable, well-behaved kid. The mother realized she had not been giving him her full attention. She decided to take an extra moment, stop her work, turn her chair around and listen when her son shared about his day. She said that she noticed each day she did this, what he had to say became deeper, more meaningful, and more vulnerable as he began to open his heart to his mom.

I have noticed there has been a great deal more “wildness” in my home. Perhaps it’s all the in-service days or holidays or being stuck inside from the rain. But I have definitely noticed my patience and tolerance has been decreasing. Sunday, I was observing my children (at 7am), yelling, playing, fighting, running around and appearing to be misbehaving--all that noise? They must be doing something wrong. I wanted to scream at them to knock it off. In reality, they were just bored and trying to have fun.

I went to my computer. Someone had emailed me an idea for a craft project, to make napkin rings out of toilet paper tubes, felt and seeds. I quickly printed it out and said, “Hey kids, wanna make a project?” I let my daughter read it and they were off seeking the materials needed. We had everything except the felt to cover them. I pulled out an old, soft wool skirt and gave it to them to cut up. They spent the next two hours working on them, happily, cooperatively and quietly.

It happened again Friday morning. I saw the signs immediately when they were kicking one another’s feet on the couch, alternately screaming with laughter and pain. This time I came up with idea to make “mailboxes”. I gave each child an envelope and we sat down and decorated them with our names and pictures. We taped them to a wall and now we can write each other messages. Again, it redirected the kids to something useful, cooperative and relatively quiet. My son was not having much fun, but was doing it anyway. Then he would not tape it to the wall, so my daughter did it for him. He was sitting on the couch, mad because he thought it was a dumb project. My daughter put a note in the box and he refused to read it. When she went out of the room I said, “Hey Michael, you want me to get out your mail and read it to you quick before she comes back?” He first shook his head, “No”, but then he said, “OK”. I read to him, “Michael- Thank you for saying that you didn’t want to do it.” From Michelle. Well, that made his day! He grinned and wrote a note back to his sister, “When you got mad because you thought the envelope flap was up, you listened to Briana when she said it was supposed to be that way.” Then Briana jumped in and wrote acknowledgments to them. I am happy because a situation that could have become ugly became a great new communication tool for our family.

Raising our children is not just about discipline--that is getting the behavior we want. Raising children also involves teaching them values, skills and responsibility. Raising children involves teaching children how to handle relationships, how to live a happy, prosperous life and how to make sure to honor and respect the lives of others.

Guiding children’s behavior as they grow is the very essence of teaching children all they need to know to learn to be responsible, happy adults (and to be great parents themselves.) It is our job to take time and thought to achieve that result, and I must say, even though it takes a great deal more effort at first, the results are worth it.

Many years ago, I was mulling over parenting events with my children, I realized that much of my parenting was and is very subtle, yet interactive with my children. The word “finesse” came to my mind. I looked it up in the dictionary and it says, “subtlety of contrivance to gain a point”. After looking up the words in that sentence, I took finesse to mean a kind of artful planning to “gain a point” (maintain my parental authority).

Interestingly, there is another definition for finesse in regards to the game of bridge, it says, “the attempt to take a trick with a low card while holding a higher card”. This certainly applied to my parenting. When my daughter Briana was 14, she, announced

that she was considering piercing her eyebrow and her best friend her belly button. Inside I panicked, but with great parental finesse said, “Really? That seems scary, I bet that would hurt! Tell me more.” She explained about their intention and then I said I would help her research it on the Internet (hoping that would scare her out of it.) After looking at a few sites and reading up on it, she was still not swayed.

I then followed one of our tips for handling power struggles with teens-- I asked her to wait 30 days at which point we could discuss it again. I then began to pray for what to do. I knew that I could play my “high” card and just say “no”. She was still young enough at that point that she would have obeyed me. I don’t like to use that card however, because as she gets older, it may not work. I preferred to utilize the opportunity to make our relationship better and lead her to making the best choice for her. That is a skill she needs for the rest of her life. I continued to pray and attempted to keep an open mind, yet decided to play my “high card” if no other ideas came to me. About three weeks later, she announced that she and her friend had changed their minds! After phoning several piercing establishments, they were informed by 2 of the 3 that they would not pierce ones so young. Because the girls were still growing, the piercing would become distorted. That was what changed their minds! Remember that prayer is a parenting tool that works.

My “high card” is my ultimate authority as the parent. I am bigger and more powerful than they are and it’s my house. However, using that high card tends to create resentment in our relationship and will only work so long as the kids are young, smaller and afraid of running away. I used this high card very sparingly, preferring instead, the lower cards, such as listening, negotiating, and all the other great tools from the “Redirecting” class. Parenting with finesse is something we acquire over time and with dedication to parenting with a purpose. Do you have it yet?

5 Ways to Parent with Finesse

1. React to “shockers” with semi-interested boredom. When children announce something to which you feel an instant reaction in your gut (as in my piercing example), take a deep breath, smile calmly, and say, “Really? Tell me more.” Remember, part of the reason children “come up with” shocking news is to get you to react or push your buttons. Parents with finesse do not often get tricked into reacting to their children, instead becoming the ultimate trickster by showing calmness and level-headedness.

2. Set up a sequence of events that discipline the children and RELAX! One night my children and I were invited to go swimming. Before leaving I explained to them that we would be leaving the pool at 7:30, in my car at 7:40 and home at 7:50. I asked each child, in turn, before we left to repeat this sequence back to me. I then asked what would happen if the above sequence was not followed (they all correctly responded that we would not be allowed to go back again). I gave them a 15 and 5 minute warning prior to announcing that it was 7:30. I then sat back and watched calmly as they began to reluctantly get out of the pool. My son was still in, looking as if he would not come out. I said to no one in particular, “We have 6 minutes to get to the car, I suppose we can make it if we run part of the way.

I’m not sure, I’m parked kind of far from here.” Everyone began to panic and get dried off, hurrying to get me out of the gate and on the way to the car. At the car I said, “Wow! Great job! You could have swam 30 seconds longer!”

3. Act as if there is all the time in the world, even when there isn’t. Kids know when we are in a rush. A parent with finesse pretends not to be worried and stressed, knowing that spending 5 calm minutes chatting with a child in the morning can save 30 minutes of battling to get out the door on time.

4. Notice the little details and acknowledge them. An observant parent recognizes when children contribute. We notice these desirable actions that make our home a better place and say “Thank you for that!”

5. Humility. Parents with finesse know when to say, “I don’t know.” We know that we do not