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Skills For Dealing With

Difficult People At Work

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What makes a “difficult person”

• How they make us feel

• How they obstruct us doing things

Others Behaviour

Our Behaviour

Why do people behave the way they do ?

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Who was the last person you borrowed money from?

Who was the last person you borrowed money from?

Who was the last person you shouted at?

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Who was the last person you borrowed money from?

Who was the last person you shouted at?

Who was the last person you kissed?

People behave the way they do if the

behaviour of others

allows them to !

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Autocratic Dictators

• Control is very important to them

• Threat, humiliation and a willingness to escalate

• Poorly tolerate different opinions

• CAN be unpredictable

• MAY use HOT or COLD anger

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Passive Aggressives• Refuse to discuss or

are monosyllabic

• Often show disagreement by failing to do things or undermining them

• Use silence or disengagement as a weapon

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The Soothing Delayers

• Hate committing themselves so put things off

• Are usually very agreeable

• Need to be liked

• Agree to things which they then don’t do

• Frequently change their minds

• Often flatter

The Back Stabber

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The Back Stabber• Attack from behind-

not directly• Use put-downs, digs

and start rumours (sometimes false, sometimes half truths)

• Present themselves as angels

• Like support before attacking

The Constant Criticiser

• Present themselves as all knowing, often very detailed

• Are condescending and aloof

• Rarely open to feedback

• Find fault in others for problems

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The Constant Fault Finder• See everything around

them as a problem• Infer it is always someone

else's fault or responsibility

• Can go on and on• Often complain about

others to you and then about you to others

• Pessimistic about anything new

• Often vague

Strategies & TechniquesPreparation, planning and place (PPP)

• Presentation

• Manner

• Dress

• Physical appearance

• Place

• Controlling the initiative

• Territory and power

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• Scripts•What is it you want to

communicate•Write it down

•List ‘what ifs’ and ‘yes buts’

•List what you will do in response to these

•Learn them!

Strategies & Techniques

Who has the power in the relationship?

Power is…holding someone else’s fear in your hand and

showing it to them

Amy Tan

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Autocratic Dictators• PPP • Know what your bottom line

is• Cognitively belittle them !• Assertiveness GIVES

authority• Give LOTS of positive

strokes• Listen out for implicit threats

and make explicit• Replace BUTS with ANDS &

offer alternatives• Stall if emotions are strong

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Passive Aggressives• Get into the habit of

counting backwards from 100 before speaking !

• Use open questions exclusively

• DON’T comment on the lack of responses

• Positively connote ANY expression of views

• Use expectant body language

• NEVER jump in

• NEVER leave the interaction without a conclusion

Soothing Delayers• Keep all interactions

'business like'• Encourage the person to

disagree with you• Be specific over time

scales - & shorten them• Put it in writing and

circulate copies• Privately identify your

bottom line• Reinforce and remind

afterwards

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The Back Stabber• REMEMBER - their power

lies in your anxiety

• ALWAYS ask “Question Statements” immediately as they behave

• Shoulder shrug

• NEVER be matey, laugh at their jokes or agree with them

• NEVER pursue their denial – just let them know you have caught them

• NEVER confront publicly, address groups directly

The Constant Criticiser

• Treat them as an expert• Acknowledge their

criticisms• Encourage them to

separate and specify their criticisms - get them to list each one in turn

• Transform criticisms into problems to be solved

• Present disagreement as either questions or as parallel points

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The Constant Fault Finder

• Listen but NEVER agree - not even non verbally

• Set time limits, communicate & keep to them

• Get them to define the problem

• Encourage them to generate solutions

• Encourage expression of positive aspects

• Encourage expression of worst case scenario & likelihood

• Emphasise their responsibilities regarding the problem

Taking the next steps forward

• Identify one or two elements of the day you can give 100% commitment to putting into practice

• Define what you are going to do behaviourally

• Give yourself a time scale

• Identify an appropriate reward for yourself

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Writing a letter

• Now - please use the piece of paper you’ve prepared in the beginning and write a letter to yourself following the Trainer’s instructions

• Place your letter into the envelope, write your preferred address, attach the stamp and post it to yourself in a week or two time

At the end of this training you will be asked to write a letter

addressed to yourself.

It would be useful if you’d prepared a piece of paper and

the envelope now.