Sibling Conflict- for parents

8/7/2019 Sibling Conflict- for parents

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Sibling Rivalry


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Its normal!

Conflict and disagreements between siblings are part

of family life.

Most conflicts revolves around sharing issues.

Occurs when personal territory, personal space,possessions and time are invaded or violated.


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First commandment of childhood:Thou shall fight and argue with your siblings until your

parents can stand it no longer

Research shows that sibling fighting is a concern to

parents in three out of four families with more than

one child.

Keep a realistic attitude to childrens disputes. Adults who live together argue too.

Conflict itself it not harmful, but the way siblings

resolve disagreements generally concerns parents.


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At the heart of fighting or poor conflict resolution

RivalryJealousy

Competitiveness


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Gender has an impact on how children

resolve disputes

Boysare often reflexive,

action-orientedand hierarchical

Girlsare often more reflective,

verbal and emotionally adept


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Understanding Birth Order


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How Birth Order Impacts Families

Youngest

Second borns

First borns

The Middle Child Syndrome

Step or Blended Families


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Youngest and Later borns

They are generally the charmers and

manipulators.

Youngest are often babied, spoiled,

affectionate, outgoing and uncomplicated.

The pressure is off the last borns.


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Youngest/Later borns

Risk takers

Outgoing

Ideas people creative

Challenge authority

Often creative, often playful, often divergent thinkers,

often great followers, often terrific at starting projects.


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Five Strategies for raising

the youngest child

The key to raising youngest children: Let them take

responsibility1. Dont let them get lost.

2. Give them responsibilities.

3. Encourage them to make own decisions about arange of things.

4. Put the pressure on them.

5. Let go- resist the temptation to hold on.
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The Little

Brother no one

ever listened

to!

And still dont!
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Second Borns and Middles

Will be influenced by the elder sibling and will

differ from that sibling.

They are victims of bad timing!


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The key to raising and teaching second borns: Help themfeel special

1. Never compare a second born to a sibling.

2. Help them find their own area of expertise.

3. Listen to this child.

4. Initiate one-on-one time with your second born.

5. Dont let them avoid conflict.

Five strategies for raising seconds or middles


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The

MiddleChild


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First Borns

First borns are often more motivated to

achieve than later borns.

Are the trail blazers for parents and for the

children to follow.

DETHRONEMENT!!


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Five Strategies for parenting a First

BornKey message for most first borns loosen up!

1. Encourage rather than criticize.

2. Save some responsibility for others.

3. Have some special times and privileges.

4. Flaunt your imperfections.

5. Need for structure and rules.


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The FirstBorn Child


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Birth Order

Characteristics

First borns / only

Goal-setters

High achievers

Perfectionists

Responsible

Rule keepers

Determined

Detail people

Often driven, often solitaryworkers, often big picturepeople, often the projectmanagers.

Second / middles

Flexible

Diplomatic

Peacemaker

Free spirit

Generous

Competitive

Often people people, oftenflexible, often greatnegotiators, often get thingsdone, often the social glue in

an organization or family.


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How parents become involved in

sibling conflicts?

Parents usually become involved in sibling disputes,

even when we dont want to.

Parents tend to take on one of four roles whenchildren fight and argue with each other.


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The Police Officer

Upholds the rules of the house.

Concerned mainly with safety.

Makes sure no one hurts each other.

Makes sure no one breaks the family rules.

Useful role as long as you dont take sides.


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The Judge

Concerned with justice and fair treatment.

Often find one or both parties guilty.

Hands down some type of sentence as punishment.

Off you go to your room or you are grounded.

Necessary role when there has been a serious wrong-

doing.

Not a role that you should take too often.


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The Peacemaker

Doesnt take sides.

Tries to reach a peace deal.

Uses I-messages.

Concerned with peace and quiet.

Concerned with restoring relationships.

Likes to see that children act in conciliatory ways.

Willing to listen intently when a child has been hurt.

Admirable role to take.


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The Problem Solver

Likes to resolve conflict by sticking to the issue that

caused the dispute rather than trying to find out who

started the quarrel.

I will help you work out a better way of sharing your

toys. A terrific role, but be careful that you dont over do it

as you will always be solving problems!

Rather teach kids to sort out their own disputes.


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Reflection: Recall a sibling conflict

The Police OfficerThe Judge

The Peacemaker The Problem Solver


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They need to see adults resolve problems and disputes

without using power, without losing control and by

focusing on the issues rather than the dispute.

Children normally model the conflict resolution

of significant adults in their lives


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Have you experienced this?

Disputes generally begin as a disagreement over

some minor issue.

But the resulting disturbance of the peace can beextremely hard for parents to deal with.

Often occurs when parents are busy and have little

time to handle them effectively.


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Kids fights usually have a number of

predictable phases

Quiet stage

one child annoys, nags, or

criticizes another.

Phase two

the noise level rises and the

children become agitated oraggressive.


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The moving phase the fight

moves from one area of the houseto another accompanied by theuse of insults, shouting and doorslamming. May become physical.

The fight climaxes when one or allcome to you in tears, telling talesor looking for justice .

He hit me and I didnt doanything.


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without blaming


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Help kids resolve conflicts peacefully

Goal: all parties feel that they are listened to and that their

concerns have been considered and addressed.

Some adults havent learned conflict resolution skills.

Defensive of their ideas or wants.

Become quiet rather than communicate thoughts and feelings.

Remain self-centered if you win I must lose.

Conflict among children can offer you a teachable moment see conflicts as learning activities.

Conflict itself isnt the issue - how it is handled is the real

key.


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Reflection: Conflict Resolution Skills Ladder

Children who are still

learning the skill

Steps in resolving

conflict

Children who have

learned the skillOwn needs dominate.

Inflexible, uses power.5. Agree to a solution Assertively looks after own

rights.

Flexible and open-minded.

Response is limited to fight

or flight.Focus on own interests.

4. Problem-solve by

generating solutions

Generates a variety of

ideas and options.Willingness to discuss.

Unaware of how another

person feels.

Cant read affect of their

actions.

3. See the other

persons view or story

Can empathize with

another person.

Respond taking other

persons viewpoint.

Cant verbalize feelings.

Blames other person rather

than stating what they

want.

2. Communicate your

thoughts and feelings

about an issue

Has a large feelings

vocabulary.

Can describe how they feel

and what they want.

Yells, screams, tantrums,

tears. Lose control.

1. Control emotions Can remain calm or regain

control.


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Getting cooperation in your family

Create a sense of we rather than me.

Often done through the little things parents do on a daily

basis rather than any major strategy.

Developing shared responsibility.

Everyone shares the joy, the problem, the wealth and the

decisions (depends on age and stage of development).

Sense of family and commitment by children to the well-being of each other.

Strength of the family can be measured by looking at

whether children pull together when life is difficult .


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Family Meetings

Unifies a family.

Help establish we-centered groups.

Teach children a conflict resolution process.

Give them an opportunity to impact on family decision-

making. Children like a say in how the family operates.

Children are more likely to stick to rules and decisions thatthey have had a say in making .

More cooperative kids share and accept responsibility. Less open sibling disputes.

The most effective factor in reducing rivalry betweensiblings and ensuring harmonious relationships betweenfamily members.


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Ten basic keys for conducting family meetings

1. They must be regular Weekly meetings ideal.

Must not be a vehicle for parents to get their point across.

2. Start when at least one child is five years of age Children need the verbal and cognitive skills to participate.

3. Have an agenda Chairperson and agenda.

Plan for family fun, allocation of chores, resolving conflicts, familyissues and routines.

4. Avoid overloading the agenda Two or three items may be enough.

5. Have a talk object A ball that children must hold if the are going to speak.

Teaches them to take turns.


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Ten basic keys for conducting family meetings

6. Start each meeting with encouragement

Thanks for cleaning your toys away after playing with them today. Sets a positive tone and teaches kids to encourage.

7. Finish with a pleasant activity A concluding game or a story.

8. They must be real Meetings are not a game you play with your kids.

Be realistic as decisions should be followed later on.

9. Short and sharp, not long and dull 10 minutes might be enough.

10. It is the process that is important Meetings sometimes break down and no decisions are made.

Dont give up if it nothing concrete comes out of your firstmeeting(s).

The process of talking is more important than the outcome.

Strong Family Model


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Strong Family ModelStrength Characteristics

1. Communication Members talk regularly, few secrets, humor high, members interact in an

open, honest way.

2. Togetherness There is an invisible glue that binds, shared values, beliefs and morals,

experiences, sense of spirituality. Strong rituals such as regular mealtimes and

celebrations bring members together.

3. Sharing activities Children and adults participate as a unit in enjoyable activities.

4. Support Family members encourage, assist, affirm and reassure and look out for each

other. Members feel equally comfortable asking for and giving support.

5. Affection Members show affection regularly (kiss, hug, I love you, show care and

concern, acts of thoughtfulness.

6. Acceptance Show acceptance by respecting, appreciating and understanding each others

differences. Respect for individuality and uniqueness, give space to be

themselves, value differences.7. Commitment Members show dedication and loyalty to family as a whole. Family well-being

is a high priority. Not giving up on each other particularly when times are

tough.

8. Resilience Respond positively to family challenges and adapt to change. Deal with

challenges thru talking, supporting each other, seeking outside support when

needed, and pulling together to form a united front to solve problems.


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Some Practical Parenting Ideas

What to do when your children tell on each other.1. Where does this fit on the disaster scale from 1 10?

2. Can you handle this yourself? Is this something you can deal with?

3. What would you like me to do?

4. Does this problem really involve you?

5. Ill listen to both of you when you can tell me the same story.

6. Can you write down what happened?


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Practical ideas to help children 2 5

years of age to resolve sibling conflict

1. Help your child

2. Remove your child if he hurts others.

3. Give them some simple ideas about how to handle the

problem.

4. Recognize their efforts to resolve conflict cooperatively.

5. Tell them what to say.


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Practical ideas to help school-aged

children resolve sibling conflict

1. Encourage children to stop and think

2. Encourage your child to ask the other child.

3. Let kids know that they have a choice about howthey deal or resolve conflict.

4. Give them words to use.

5. When your child comes to you for help.

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Sibling Conflict- for parents