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Janet Belsky’s

Experiencing the Lifespan, 2e

Chapter 11:

Relationships and Roles

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The Changing Landscape of Marriage

�Throughout history: Marriage was often based

on practical concerns

�Arranged by families with the focus not on love

�Marriage affected by shorter life expectancies

�Marriage possibly only lasting one or two decades

(20 years).

�Mid 20thcentury (1950s): Marriage in 20s with

the expectation of maintaining the relationship

for a half-century.

�Often based on traditional gender roles the norm (see

photo)

�Late 20thcentury: Marriage is significantly

redefined.

�Marriage was deinstitutionalized–transformed from the

standards adult “institution to more of a focus on

personal choices.

Deinstitutionalizing marriage

�Women’s movement had significant impact in redefining

marriage.

�Focus on more equality in relationships and roles.

�Focus on personal choices affected divorce rate

�Caused significant increase

�More choices of living alone or cohabitation

�Rise in single parents

�Less stigma attached to having children prior to

marriage.

�“shotgun” marriage a thing of the past

�Recent studies indicated that parents are less

embarrassed with children outside of marriage.

�However, can be affected by culture

Scanning the Global Marriage

Scene: Incredible Variability

�The Middle East: Male-dominated marriage

�Marriage is the expectation for women.

�Women do not have equal status to men, however, they can

seek higher education.

�Once marriage, traditional gender roles are more rigidly

enforced. Women can be required by husband to stay at home.

�Divorce is difficult but possible. Men have more rights to

determine ending a marriage.

�Scandinavian countries: Marriage almost completely

deinstitutionalized.

�50% of people cohabitate.

�Children outside of marriage is the norm. One-half of all infants

born to single mothers.

�Marriage is just oneoption among a number of equally

acceptable choices.

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Married and Cohabiting Couples in

Scandinavian countries (ages 30 –39)

The American Dream: a happy

marriage

�Despite high divorce rates, young people still

want to marry.

�8 out of 10 report want to marry.

�Although the desire may be marriage, more consideration

is given to certain fundamentals:

�Personal goals

�Sense of identify established

�Financially stability

�High non-marriage rates among low income adults is partly

due to economic barriers: “I need to get it together

financially before it’s right to wed.”

�Staying in a marriage for a lifetimehas been

elevated to a badge of achievement.

Ups and downs of the marital

Pathway

�Happiness is at its peak during

the Honeymoon.

�Satisfaction rapidly slopes

downward, and then tends to

decline more slowly or level out

around year 4.

�If a couple can get past the first

4 years, they have passed the

main divorce danger zone.

The u-shaped curve of martial

satisfaction

�Marriage affected by work and children

�First child reaching puberty causes more stress to

relationship as parents deal with child’s

emotional instability

�Positive change occurs with empty nest

�Happiness increases when children leave.

�Many empty-nest couples reconnect when they are

suddenly “just the two of us” together again.

�Elderly couples fight less as they focus on the end of

precious life moments together.

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Sternberg’s Triangular Theory

�Adult love relationships broken into

3 components:

1.Passion (sexual arousal)

2.Intimacy (feelings of closeness)

3.Commitment (marriage or exclusive,

lifelong cohabitating relationships)

�Romantic love –combines passion

and intimacy

�Commitment alone results in and

“empty marriage”

�Consummate love(ideal state) –

combines passion, intimacy and

commitment

�for life is our ideal; but over time marital

passion and even intimacy tend to wane

Keeping Passion and Intimacy Alive

�Realize that keeping passion and intimacy

takes work.

�Regularly engage in exciting activities that

bothpartners enjoy

Marital Communications: Happy couples

�Have a higher ratio of positive to negative

comments.

�Caring, loving comments must outweigh

critical.

�Never get personally hurtful when they

disagree.

�Unhappy couples personalize their conflicts,

often using put-downs and sarcasm.

�Do not engage in repeated demand-

withdrawal interactions.

�Interactions that begin with attempted

discussions of concern, leading to disgust, then

contempt.

Commitment as the key to success

�Being dedicated to the relationship above

self

�Sanctifying the relationships

�Sacrificing personal wants for partner’s joy

�Forgiveness is key.

�Sacrificing must be reciprocal.

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Summarizing the Insights

�Be aware that passion and intimacy naturally wane.

�Share exciting activities with your mate

�Avoid score keeping and adhere to the “we mode” of

unconditional love

�Engage in constructive communication styles

�Understand that outside stresses can impair relationships

and reach out in love when your mate is under stress

�A Final comment

�The idea that we need to “work” at marriage; or must

have passion and intimacy is a modern Western idea!

Facts about Divorce

�Most weigh the costs vs. the benefits.

�Finances are typically a concern. (Can I

support my family financially?)

�How will the divorce affect the children?

�Communication problems tend to be the

most cited cause of divorce.

�While other problems can exist, an extra-

marital affair may push couples toward

divorce.

Divorce: View it as process, not an event

�Predivorce phase

�Unhappy, but ambivalent—should we split up?

�May be as stressful as the parting itself

�Separation phase

�Overload of real world changes, from moving to needing to

find a job.

�Issues relating to other attachments: Will my friends still be

friends? How do we explain things to the children?

�Long-term impact

�Continual battles over the children make it a “chronic

stressor.”

�Can cause relief, and enhanced self-efficacy as a woman (or

man) learns, “I can make it on myown.”

Men, Women, and Divorce

�Issues for women:

�A loss in income

�The stresses of single parenthood

�Issues for men:

�Since moms typically receive custody of the kids, the

heartache of being “visitor fathers.”

�The result: men may give up and disengage from their

children and form new families.

Stepdad can be a touchy role. Even when you feel like

you are the real dad, it can be hard to “step right in.”

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The Changing Context of Parenthood

�More possibilities to enjoy this

pivotal life-role for a huge variety

of non traditional families.

�The freedom to choose not to be

parents.

�Decline in fertility rates has

affected the choice to be parents.

�There is no evidence that people

who choose not to have children

are narcissistic or unhappy.

�Parenthood is not NECESSARYto

live a full life.

Fertility (Family Size) in the Developed

World

�The problem: Fertility rates are WELL below the

population replacement level in many developed world

nations (see the next slide). Why?

�people are waiting longer to get married

�economic concerns -The fertility issue is especially acute in

developed world countries with poor economies (e.g. Russia)

�Because of this, there is anxiety about the aging of

the population

�Government efforts to encourage more births. For

example, Italy offers “baby bonuses” to couples

who conceive.

Notice the differences from nation to nation

Fertility Rates in selected developed countries (2008)

The Transition to Parenthood

�Longitudinal studies of couples’ relationships show:

�Parenthood makes couples less intimate and happy -feel

more like “fellow workers.”

�Parenthood tends to produce more traditional (and

conflict-ridden) marital roles.

�resulting in possible marital equityissues if both spouses work full

time

�Marital equity –fairness in the “work” of a couples life together

�Great variability in how couples cope with being parents

�Mostdo get slightly less happy, but for others satisfaction improves.

�Having a good prior relationship is key to adjusting well.

�One caution: people should not consider having a baby to

improve their marriage.

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Exploring Motherhood

�Moms with young children report the lowest day-

to-day levels of happiness (compared to childless

and empty-nest women).

�1 in 2 mothers report having trouble controlling

temper.

�Behaviors as simple as child’s whining might provoke

anger reaction.

�Quality of attachment to the child how mothers

react to their children.

�Temperamentally difficult children provoke strong

negative reactions.

Dealing with motherhood stress

1.

Provide a realistic view of parenthood.

2.

Validate mother’s feelings of inadequacy.

3.

Do not expect perfection.

�Understand that moms are human beings.

4.

Criticize mothers less.

�The performance anxiety and stress attached to modern motherhood

may be too intense!

�Researchers have found that today’s

mothers actually spend more time with their

children compared to previous generations.

�With all the responsibilities, what gets the

least amount of attention is the marriage.

Minutes Per Day Devoted to hands-on

child care

�New nurturer father –a new

social concept to describe

fathers who activity engage

in child care as well as

continue the “breadwinner”

role.

�The new masculine ideal.

�All of these roles can lead to

contradictory demands.

Exploring Fatherhood

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How fathers act

�Fathers are the vigorous play guys—and especially

love to engage in rough and tumble play with their

sons.

�Within the last 15 years, dads are really pitching in

to do hands on child care.

�However, dads still typically do less.

�Even when dads do just as much, moms still often have primary

responsibility for the children.

�There is incrediblevariability in how specific fathers

negotiate this job.

�A problem hampering involvement: Many dads still

feel incrediblycommitted to fulfilling the classic

provider role.

What can parents do?

The changing world of work

�A dramatic decline in traditional stable careers (working for the

same company) and a rise in boundaryless careers (job

changes and career shifts).

�Boundaryless careers do offer the chance for more flexibility,

but their dominance is also due to greater U.S. job insecurity.

�Having a secure job for life in a big company is a thing of the past.

�Workers are working harder than ever today.

�The typical U.S. worker works 49 hours. Technology actually may operate

to increase the hours we are working; as does competition with our peers.

�There has been a rise in non-traditional work hours.

�Many workers don’t mind this as it may help them juggle the demands of

their family lives with their partner.

Women and Work

�Women have less continuous careers than men.They are

more prone to move in and out of the workforce due to care-

giving responsibilities.

�Occupational segregation is still the norm. Women are

found in stereotypically female careers such as day care worker or

secretary. (Also, they are less likely to advance to higher

managerial rungs.)

�Full time female workers still earn less than their male

counterparts. (The reasons for these pay disparities are

probably due to a variety of forces… not just discrimination.)

CONCLUSION: Women-especially single women-

are more likely to be poor.

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Donald Super’s lifespan theory of

careers

�Moratorium–(Emerging adulthood) Deciding

on our career identity.

�Establishment–(20s through 40s) Working hard to

advance at a job.

�Maintenance–(50s-early 60s) at our career peak;

focus on mentoring the next generation.

�Decline–(65+) disengage from our career.

�Recent findings still fit our general attitudes with one

interesting 21stcentury difference. Fewer male workers

in their 20s and 30s (only 1 in 2) report being

interested in career advancement perhaps because they

feel they are alreadyworking too many hours.

Career Happiness: Depends on two

forces

1)Finding a career that fits your personality

�John Holland’s career theory matches career to personality.

2)Finding a workplace that offers:

�Intrinsic career rewards-most workers want work that offers

inner fulfillment. (They are finding it, too!)

�Extrinsic career rewards-external reinforcements like

prestige and salary; less important, but still desired.

Forces that impair intrinsic satisfaction:

�Role overload -having too much to do at work.

�Role conflict -described as being torn between job demands

and the demands of our other roles, such as family.

Finding a career that fits your

personality

Future family/work concerns

�A new family worry: Concerns about

keeping a job

�A new family alignment: more stay-at-

home men