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Chapter 10. Romantic and Family Relationships. The Nature of Intimate Relationships. Intimacy Significant emotional closeness that we experience in a relationship—whether romantic or not. Characteristics of Intimacy. Requires Deep Commitment - PowerPoint PPT Presentation
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Chapter 10
The Nature of Intimate Relationships
IntimacySignificant emotional closeness that we
experience in a relationship—whether romantic or not.
Characteristics of Intimacy Requires Deep Commitment
Desire to remain in a relationship no matter what happens
Emotional Commitment○ Sense of responsibility for each other’s feelings
and emotional well-being
Social Commitment○ Motivates us to spend time together,
compromise, generous with praise, avoid petty conflict
Characteristics of Intimacy Commitment
Legal and Financial Commitments○ More formal expressions of obligations to
each other
Fosters InterdependenceWhat happens to one person affects
everyone else in the relationshipHigher level of interdependence than other
relationships
Characteristics of Intimacy Requires Continuous Investment
Commitment of a person’s energies and other resources—time, money, attention
We also expect to benefit from the investment
Cannot retrieve the resources if the rel. endsRomantic partners are happiest when both
feel they are investing in the rel. to the same degree
Intimacy Sparks Dialectical Tensions
Conflicts between important but opposing needs or desires• Autonomy vs. Connection
• Time spent alone vs. together
• Openness vs. Closedness• How much do you self-disclose vs. keep
private
• Predictability vs. Novelty• Desire for consistency vs. new experiences
Managing Dialectical Tensions Denial
Respond to one side of tension and ignore other
DisorientationEscape tension by ending the relationship
AlternationGo back and forth between two sides
SegmentationDeal with one part in certain aspects of the
rel. and other part in other aspects of rel.
Managing Dialectical Tensions Balance
Try to find a compromise or middle ground between the two
IntegrationStrategies to satisfy both sides of tension
simultaneously Recalibration
“Reframe” tension so that contradiction disappears (ex. They’re both important)
ReaffirmationEmbrace both tensions as normal
Comm. in Romantic Rels. 95% of us will marry or have a long-term
marriage-like relationship People live longer—less risk-taking
behavior Less depression and other mental
issues Health benefits greater for men Married women healthier
Romance and Exclusivity Expectation of monogamy Infidelity—romantic or sexual involvement
with someone outside rel. “Open” rels.—can be involved with others Polygamy—society allows for multiple
partners
Romance and Voluntariness People choose to be in the rel. Rel. is not chosen for the individuals
Why do people remain involuntarily?Stability for childrenReligious beliefsFinancial concernsNo positive alternatives to their current rel.
Love, Sex, and Permanence Concept of Romantic Love is a newer
idea Issue of same-sex couples wanting
more rights Most people have intention of a
permanent relationship Legal, medical, and other rights if
married Medical and other benefits
Knapp’s Relationship Phases
Relational Development“Coming Together”—Dr. Mark Knapp Initiating
People meet and interact for the first time Experimenting
Learn more about the personDetermine if there is enough interest
IntensifyingMove from acquaintances to close friendsIncrease commitmentShare intimate information
Relational Development“Coming Apart”—Dr. Mark Knapp Integrating
Deep commitment has been formedRecognized as a couple
BondingPublic announcement of commitmentMove in together, engagement, marriage,
commitment ceremonyGain support and approval of people in their
social networks
Relational Deterioration Differentiating
Begin to view differences as undesirable or annoying
CircumscribingDecrease quality and quantity of
communicationAvoid conflictPut rules and regulations on other
Relational Deterioration Stagnating
Rel. stops growingPartners don’t speak much“Going through the motions”
AvoidingCreate physical and emotional distanceOne may move outScreen calls or text messages
Relational Deterioration Terminating
Rel. is overMoving out, dividing propertyAnnouncing to friends and family
that rel. is overDivorce or dissolutionThis is a significant decision Huge impact on children
Relational Couple Types Mary Anne Fitzpatrick Traditional Couples
Conventional approach to marriageGender-typical divisions of laborEngage in conflict
Separate CouplesSimilar to Traditional except spouses are
autonomousEach has own interests and social networksSee self as individuals rather than a coupleIgnore conflict and don’t deal with it directly
Relational Couple Types Independent Couples
Independent of social expectations for marriageDon’t necessarily believe in conventional gender
roles or division of laborHighly interdependentEngage in conflict as it arises
Mixed CouplesWhen each partner disagree as to the type of rel.
they haveTypical is wife who sees couple as traditional and
husband views couple as separate
Comm. in Romantic Rels. Vary in how they handle conflict Conflict Styles in Marriage
John Gottman Validating Couples
Talk about disagreements openly and cooperatively
Stay calm, use humor, positive emotions Volatile Couples
Discuss issues openly but competitive Each spouse tries to persuade the otherNegative rather than positive emotionsCould experience intense periods of affection
Comm. in Romantic Rels. Conflict-Avoiding Couples
Deal with conflict indirectlyTry to diffuse conflict and focus on similaritiesAgree to disagree but may leave issues
unresolved Hostile Couples
Experience intense and frequent conflictUse negative emotion displaysEngage in personal attacks
Gottman’s research on gay and lesbian couples pg. 327—overall deal with conflict in a more positive manner
Comm. in Romantic Rels. Vary in how they handle privacy Communication Privacy Management
Theory (CPM)Sandra PetronioAddresses how couples manage tension
regarding keeping information private or sharing it
Couples jointly own information about their problems
We need to be aware of information our partner expects us to keep private.
Comm. in Romantic Rels. Vary in how they manage emotional
comm. (Gottman & Levenson)How partners express emotion tells a lot
about their rel.—especially satisfactionHappy couples comm. more positive emotion
and less negative emotion○ Happy—more affection, humor, verbal
assurances○ Unhappy—more anger, contempt sadness,
hostilityUnhappy couples reciprocate negative
emotion—escalate negativity
Comm. in Romantic Rels. Vary in how they handle instrumental
communicationRomantic couples often disagree about division
of laborMost tasks require decisions because they must
be completedTask division reflects the balance of power in
the rel.Same-sex rels. often have a more equal division
of tasks than opposite-sex couples.
Improving Communication in Intimate Relationships
Maintain a supportive, not defensive, climateAs both sender and receiver of
messagesCommunicate using behaviors that
contribute to a supportive climate
Comm. in Families
What makes a family?Genetic Ties
○ Related by blood○ Some family members are not blood relatives: in-
laws, spouses, adoptive familiesLegal Obligations
○ Obligated to house, feed, educate, and care for children
Role Behaviors○ Individuals act like a family
Comm. in Families Types of Families
Family of Origin○ Family a person grows up in
Family of Procreation○ Family one starts as an adult○ Romantic partner/spouse and any children the
couple raises
Nuclear FamilyMarried man and woman with their biological
children
Blended FamilyTwo adult partners raising children
Comm. in Families
Single-Parent FamilyOne adult raises one or more children
Extended FamilyIncludes other relatives such as
grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.People may not interact with their extended
family a great deal, but these relationships are very important
Comm. Issues in Families Family Roles
The functions that individuals serveEx.: Troublemaker, caregiver, clown, blamer,
placater, distracter, etc.
Family RitualsRepetitive activities that have special meaningReinforce family values, provide sense of
belonging, allow for together time, creating memories, emphasize importance of family relationships
Important in blended families
Comm. Issues in Families Family Stories
They do more than provide entertainmentSense of history, express expectations,
reinforce connections across generationsTwo characteristics
○ Told and retold over a long period of time—become part of family’s collective knowledge
○ Send an underlying message about the family such as pride, hardworking, stick together, etc.
Comm. Issues in Families Family Secrets
Information the family considers private and inappropriate to share
Reinforces family identity and exclusivitySecrets may be kept within families
Creating Positive Comm. Climate Each intimate relationship has its own
“personality” “Climate” is the emotional tone of a
relationship Reflects how we feel about the rel. Comm. Climate is an issue in personal
and professional relationships
Confirming Messages
Behaviors that indicate how much we value another person.
TypesRecognition
○ Recognize another person exists and is worth of our attention
Acknowledgement○ Acknowledge a person’s thoughts and feelings
Endorsement○ You agree with what the other person has said
Disconfirming Messages
Behaviors that imply a lack of regard for another person.
TypesImpervious response
○ Ignore the person altogetherVerbal Abuse
○ Use words to hurt another person emotionally and psychologically
○ Insults, put-downs, sarcastic remarks, threaten physical harm, etc.
Disconfirming Messages
TypesGeneralized Complaining
○ Complaints that offend the other person’s value or character
Irrelevant Response○ Reply to another’s statement with an unrelated
statement○ Don’t acknowledge their message
Impersonal Response○ Offers no real sympathy○ You are indifferent to their message
Defensive and Supportive Comm. Evaluation vs. Description
Evaluative (D)—Expresses an opinion based on the value of another person’s behavior
Descriptive (S)—Provide detail about the person’s behaviors without passing judgment
Control vs. Problem Orientation Control (D)—Manipulate others to act a specific way Problem Orientation (S)—Encourage collaboration
and creative thinking Based on research by Jack Gibb (D) = Defensive (S) = Supportive
Defensive and Supportive Comm.
Strategy vs. Spontaneity Strategy (D)—Withhold information in an attempt
to control the listener Spontaneity (S)—Express thoughts and desires
openly and honestly without a hidden agenda
Neutrality vs. Empathy Neutrality (D)—Imply a lack of concern for well-
being of others Empathy (S)—Convey concern for others are
feeling and experiencing
Defensive and Supportive Comm.
Superiority vs. Equality Superiority (D)—Encourage division and an “us vs.
them” mentality Equality (S)—Emphasize inclusiveness and minimize
status differences between people
Certainty vs. Provisionalism Certainty (D)—Offer inflexible conclusions with no
room for debate Provisionalism (S)—Offer ideas flexibly in the hope of
generating dialogue
Providing Effective Feedback
Feedback
Returning or feeding back to others our reactions to the verbal and nonverbal messages we received from them
Feedback Types
Non-evaluativeUsed when we want to gain more
information or help others work through feelings
EvaluativePositive evaluative feedback reinforces
communicative behaviorsNegative evaluative feedback stops
undesirable communicative behaviors
Non-Evaluative Feedback-Withholds Assessment
ProbingBe specificUse full sentencesMonitor nonverbal
feedbackPut burden of
ignorance on own shoulders
ParaphraseContentFeelings
Offer SupportShare your
perceptionsConfirm validity of
problemYou respect decision
even if yours differs
Evaluative Feedback-Offers Assessment
Provide PraiseNote strengths and what person has done wellBe specific and behavioral
Criticize ConstructivelyPoint out what can be made betterOffer ideas for improvementMake sure person wants your feedbackBe specific and behavioralUnsolicited criticism is rarely welcome
CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM
Make sure the personMake sure the personwants your criticismwants your criticism
Restrict feedback to Restrict feedback to recent behaviorrecent behavior
Discuss behavior Discuss behavior within the control within the control of the otherof the otherpersonperson
Constructive?Constructive?