Romantic Love,“Real Love”And The Cycle of Relationships

Romantic Love,“Real Love”And Romantic Love,“Real Love”And The Cycle of RelationshipsThe Cycle of Relationships

Lecture 21aLecture 21a

COMMMUNICATION IN COMMMUNICATION IN EVERYDAY LIFEEVERYDAY LIFE

KEY EXPECTATION OF A ROMANTIC KEY EXPECTATION OF A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPRELATIONSHIP

Experience a mysterious and Experience a mysterious and inexplicable "magic" in one inexplicable "magic" in one another's presence.another's presence.

FALLING IN “LOVE”FALLING IN “LOVE” SEX-LINKED EROTIC EXPERIENCE -THE SEX-LINKED EROTIC EXPERIENCE -THE

CHEMICAL COCKTAIL.CHEMICAL COCKTAIL. EFFORTLESS -TALK IS EASYEFFORTLESS -TALK IS EASY COLLAPSE OF EGO BOUNDARIES COLLAPSE OF EGO BOUNDARIES

ALWAYS PASSESALWAYS PASSES NO EXTENSION OF SELF - NO REACHING NO EXTENSION OF SELF - NO REACHING

BEYOND GOOD FEELINGBEYOND GOOD FEELING

The Language of Romantic The Language of Romantic LoveLoveThe Phenomena ofThe Phenomena of RecognitionRecognition

• We’ve just met, but I feel like I already know you.We’ve just met, but I feel like I already know you. TimelessnessTimelessness

• Feels like I’ve always known you.Feels like I’ve always known you. ReunificationReunification

• When I’m with you I feel complete. I’ve found my other half.When I’m with you I feel complete. I’ve found my other half. NecessityNecessity

• I can’t lie without you.I can’t lie without you. H. Hendrix, getting the Love You WantH. Hendrix, getting the Love You Want

Romantic Love is an Romantic Love is an “emotional brain” Phenomena“emotional brain” Phenomena Falling in love Falling in love

• Emotional brain - fuses image of lover with primary Emotional brain - fuses image of lover with primary caretakercaretaker

Intimate love is the ultimate in caretakingIntimate love is the ultimate in caretaking• Illusion of safety and securityIllusion of safety and security• Total absorptionTotal absorption

Instinctual bonding Instinctual bonding • The way a mother bonds with infantThe way a mother bonds with infant

Not the same as mature or “real” love Not the same as mature or “real” love • That requires consciousnessThat requires consciousness

““REAL” LOVE (COMMITMENT): REAL” LOVE (COMMITMENT): SCOTT PECK SCOTT PECK THE WILL TO EXTEND ONESELF FOR THE THE WILL TO EXTEND ONESELF FOR THE

PURPOSE OF NURTURING ONE’S OWN PURPOSE OF NURTURING ONE’S OWN OR ANOTHER’S SPIRITUAL GROWTHOR ANOTHER’S SPIRITUAL GROWTH

TIES SELF-LOVE WITH LOVE FOR OTHERTIES SELF-LOVE WITH LOVE FOR OTHER REQUIRES EFFORT - D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.REQUIRES EFFORT - D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. ACT OF MINDFULNESSACT OF MINDFULNESS - -WILL, CHOICEWILL, CHOICE

MYTH OF ROMANTIC LOVEMYTH OF ROMANTIC LOVE THERE IS ANOTHER “MEANT FOR YOU” - THERE IS ANOTHER “MEANT FOR YOU” -

TRUE LOVETRUE LOVE RECOGNITION OF THIS OTHER -YOU “FALL RECOGNITION OF THIS OTHER -YOU “FALL

IN LOVE”IN LOVE” PERFECT MATCH - SATISFY EACH OTHER PERFECT MATCH - SATISFY EACH OTHER

FOREVERFOREVER FALL OUT OF LOVE - DREADFUL MISTAKEFALL OUT OF LOVE - DREADFUL MISTAKE SEARCH AGAINSEARCH AGAIN CULTURAL BURDENCULTURAL BURDEN

MASS MEDIA AND ROMANCEMASS MEDIA AND ROMANCE TRADITIONAL FORMULA:TRADITIONAL FORMULA:

THE ENCOUNTER: COURTSHIPTHE ENCOUNTER: COURTSHIP THE CONFRONTATION: LOVER’S QUARRELTHE CONFRONTATION: LOVER’S QUARREL THE SEDUCTION: SEXUAL- INTELLECTUALTHE SEDUCTION: SEXUAL- INTELLECTUAL CONFESSION OF LOVE: AFTER FIGHTINGCONFESSION OF LOVE: AFTER FIGHTING MARRIAGE: NO DRAMA AFTER THISMARRIAGE: NO DRAMA AFTER THIS

REALITY TV HAS IMPROVED ON THIS SITUATION - REALITY TV HAS IMPROVED ON THIS SITUATION - THROUGH SHOWS LIKE “JESSICA AND NICK” or THROUGH SHOWS LIKE “JESSICA AND NICK” or DR. DR. PHILPHIL

• WHERE THE DRAMA IS IN THEIR INCOMPETENCE WHERE THE DRAMA IS IN THEIR INCOMPETENCE RE DAILY LIFE SKILLSRE DAILY LIFE SKILLS

LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPSLIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS

1. 1. COMING TOGETHERCOMING TOGETHER 5 SUB-STAGES5 SUB-STAGES

2. 2. COMING APARTCOMING APART 5 SUB-STAGES5 SUB-STAGES

MAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPSMAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPS


Lecture 21bLecture 21b



COMING TOGETHERCOMING TOGETHER ANSWERING THE THREE KEY ANSWERING THE THREE KEY

QUESTIONSQUESTIONS REDUCING UNCERTAINTYREDUCING UNCERTAINTY

THE THREE KEY QUESTIONSTHE THREE KEY QUESTIONS WhatWhat’’s going on?s going on?

• The purpose of the talk, are we going to get through this The purpose of the talk, are we going to get through this conversation smoothly? conversation smoothly?

. . Who am I to you and who are you to me in Who am I to you and who are you to me in this situation? this situation?

• Particularly noticeable at moments like the first time you meet Particularly noticeable at moments like the first time you meet someonesomeone

• We let others know about the kind of people we are and how they We let others know about the kind of people we are and how they are (in our eyes)are (in our eyes)

What is going to happen next?What is going to happen next? • Are we going to do something together (instrumental), or simply Are we going to do something together (instrumental), or simply

connect in the moment (relational). Discovering what we are going connect in the moment (relational). Discovering what we are going to do next also shapes our communication in the moment.to do next also shapes our communication in the moment.


COMING TOGETHERCOMING TOGETHER 1. INITIATING1. INITIATING INVITATIONAL COMMUNICATION: SCAN INVITATIONAL COMMUNICATION: SCAN

EACH OTHER FOR INTEREST - WATCH EACH OTHER FOR INTEREST - WATCH RESPONSERESPONSE

CONNECT TALK: RITUAL CONNECT TALK: RITUAL CONVERSATION STARTERSCONVERSATION STARTERS

CAUTIOUS VS. CONVENTIONAL - ARCAUTIOUS VS. CONVENTIONAL - AR

LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPSLIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS 2. EXPERIMENTING 2. EXPERIMENTING TRY DIFFERENT TOPICS - CONNECT TALK-LOOKING FOR TRY DIFFERENT TOPICS - CONNECT TALK-LOOKING FOR

SIMILARITIES - SOMETHING IN COMMON SIMILARITIES - SOMETHING IN COMMON ANY PERCEIVED RECIPROCITY OF LIKINGANY PERCEIVED RECIPROCITY OF LIKING

3. INTENSIFYING 3. INTENSIFYING INCREASE RELATIONSHIP DEPTH THRU PERSONAL INCREASE RELATIONSHIP DEPTH THRU PERSONAL

KNOWLEDGE - self-disclosure - opening “box 3”KNOWLEDGE - self-disclosure - opening “box 3” PHYSICAL CLOSENESSPHYSICAL CLOSENESS CREATING A PRIVATE CULTURECREATING A PRIVATE CULTURE

LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPSLIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS 4. INTEGRATING4. INTEGRATING THEY AND OTHERS CONSIDERS THEM A COUPLETHEY AND OTHERS CONSIDERS THEM A COUPLE SYMBOLIC ID - RING, OUR SONG, PLACESYMBOLIC ID - RING, OUR SONG, PLACE VALUE MORE OF SAME THINGS, FOCUS ON SOME PARTS OF VALUE MORE OF SAME THINGS, FOCUS ON SOME PARTS OF

PERSONALITY-MINIMIZE OTHERSPERSONALITY-MINIMIZE OTHERS REINFORCES THE CONSISTENCY PRINCIPLE: The more we communicate with REINFORCES THE CONSISTENCY PRINCIPLE: The more we communicate with

someone similar to us on the surface, the more similar we become to them in deeper someone similar to us on the surface, the more similar we become to them in deeper ways, e.g. in our attitudes towards particular issues. ways, e.g. in our attitudes towards particular issues.

WE ARE CREATING AN “US” WE ARE CREATING AN “US” CAN LEAD TO A COMMITMENT TO PERMANENCYCAN LEAD TO A COMMITMENT TO PERMANENCY 5. BONDING5. BONDING FORMAL RITUALS -ENGAGEMENT, MARRIAGE, LIVE TOGETHER FORMAL RITUALS -ENGAGEMENT, MARRIAGE, LIVE TOGETHER GAIN SOCIAL SUPPORT - ESTABLISH RELATIONSHIP RULESGAIN SOCIAL SUPPORT - ESTABLISH RELATIONSHIP RULES


COMING APARTCOMING APART 1. DIFFERENTIATING1. DIFFERENTIATING NOTICE AND FOCUS ON DIFFERENCESNOTICE AND FOCUS ON DIFFERENCES

TALKING ABOUT COMING APARTTALKING ABOUT COMING APART


Lecture 21cLecture 21c




TALKING ABOUT COMING APARTTALKING ABOUT COMING APART

COMING APART: REVIEW OF KEY COMING APART: REVIEW OF KEY FACTORSFACTORS

UNRESOLVED TENSIONSUNRESOLVED TENSIONS AUTONOMY/CONNECTIONAUTONOMY/CONNECTION SHARING OF SPACE VS.DISTANCE TO MAINTAIN INDIVIDUAL SHARING OF SPACE VS.DISTANCE TO MAINTAIN INDIVIDUAL

IDENTITYIDENTITY

NOVELTY/PREDICTABILITYNOVELTY/PREDICTABILITY BALANCE ROUTINE WITH NEW EXPERIENCESBALANCE ROUTINE WITH NEW EXPERIENCES

OPENNESS/CLOSENESSOPENNESS/CLOSENESS SHARED THOUGHTSSHARED THOUGHTS

SHATTERED SHATTERED EXPECTATIONSEXPECTATIONS

1. TRUST1. TRUST 2. INTIMACY2. INTIMACY 3. ACCEPTANCE3. ACCEPTANCE 4. SUPPORT4. SUPPORT 5. PRACTICAL ASSISTANCE 5. PRACTICAL ASSISTANCE

INCOMPLETE SELF INCOMPLETE SELF DISCLOSUREDISCLOSURE

AREAS OF SELF: OPEN, HIDDEN, AREAS OF SELF: OPEN, HIDDEN, BLIND, UNKNOWNBLIND, UNKNOWN

PROBLEMATIC FIGHTING PROBLEMATIC FIGHTING

STYLESSTYLES “ “ VOICES” USEDVOICES” USED PARENT, CHILD, ADULTPARENT, CHILD, ADULT TYPE OF TALKTYPE OF TALK LIGHT - HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. - ACTIVE VS. PASSIVELIGHT - HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. - ACTIVE VS. PASSIVE D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.

CONFLICT RESOLUTIONCONFLICT RESOLUTION Forcing-Accommodation-Avoidance-Forcing-Accommodation-Avoidance-

Compromise-CollaborationCompromise-Collaboration



COUPLE “NEEDS SPACE” SO, COUPLE “NEEDS SPACE” SO, FIGHTING INCREASESFIGHTING INCREASES MORE USE OF MUTUAL HEAVY MORE USE OF MUTUAL HEAVY

C.O.N.T.R.O.L.C.O.N.T.R.O.L.

HH

EE

AA

VV

YY

0.0.

L.L.

RIGHTEOUS RIGHTEOUS ANGERANGER

HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.LHEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L

OVERTOVERTAGGRESSIONAGGRESSIONPUT DOWNPUT DOWNLABELLABELMINDREADMINDREADCOMMANDCOMMANDVENT-YELLVENT-YELLDEMANDDEMANDTHREATENTHREATENCRITICIZECRITICIZERIDICULERIDICULEUSE SARCASMUSE SARCASMLIELIE

LAY LAY BLAMEBLAME

OVERT OVERT PASSIVEPASSIVE

AGRESSIVEAGRESSIVEINTENSE INTENSE COMPLAINTCOMPLAINTDISQUALIFY DISQUALIFY WORDSWORDSWHINEWHINEPLAY MARTYRPLAY MARTYRWITHHOLDWITHHOLDDENYDENYPUT DOWN SELFPUT DOWN SELFGIVE EXCUSESGIVE EXCUSESPROCRASTINATEPROCRASTINATE

R.R.RIGHTEOUS RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATIONINDIGNATION

LAY LAY BLAMEBLAME

THREE KEY QUESTIONS: THREE KEY QUESTIONS: RENEGOTIATING THE ANSWERSRENEGOTIATING THE ANSWERS Question number two is key:Question number two is key: Who am I to you and who are you to me in this Who am I to you and who are you to me in this

situation? situation? • ““You’re not the person I married….I thought I knew?” “What’s You’re not the person I married….I thought I knew?” “What’s

happened to you…” “I thought you liked my cooking, mother, father, happened to you…” “I thought you liked my cooking, mother, father, ideas on…..” “When did you start getting interested in …. ideas on…..” “When did you start getting interested in ….

WhatWhat’’s going on?s going on? • ““What do you mean…you need your space?”What do you mean…you need your space?”• ““What are we really talking about here?”What are we really talking about here?”..• REMEMBER, HEAVY CONTROL IS ABOUT INTENTION, TRUTH, REMEMBER, HEAVY CONTROL IS ABOUT INTENTION, TRUTH,

BLAME.BLAME. What is going to happen next?What is going to happen next?

• Are we going on together or not? Are we adjusting, changing, Are we going on together or not? Are we adjusting, changing, struggling some more, leaving?”struggling some more, leaving?”

LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPSLIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS COMING APARTCOMING APART 2. CIRCUMSCRIBING2. CIRCUMSCRIBING REDUCE FREQUENCY- INTIMACY OF COMMUNICATIONREDUCE FREQUENCY- INTIMACY OF COMMUNICATION ““HOT” TOPICS AVOIDED TO REDUCE FIGHTSHOT” TOPICS AVOIDED TO REDUCE FIGHTS INCREASED FORMALITYINCREASED FORMALITY 3. STAGNATING3. STAGNATING ““HOLDING ON” FOR OTHER REASONSHOLDING ON” FOR OTHER REASONS RELATIONSHIP NO LONGER DISCUSSEDRELATIONSHIP NO LONGER DISCUSSED

THE MARRIAGE DISSOLUTION THE MARRIAGE DISSOLUTION CASCADECASCADE

RepeatedRepeated• Complaining and criticizingComplaining and criticizing leads to leads to • Contempt,Contempt, which leads to which leads to• Defensiveness,Defensiveness, which leads to which leads to• Listener WithdrawalListener Withdrawal from from

interaction (stonewalling).interaction (stonewalling). See Gottman in Additional Reading 15 See Gottman in Additional Reading 15

MARRIAGE DISSOLUTION CASCADE: MARRIAGE DISSOLUTION CASCADE: Flooding and ContemptFlooding and Contempt

VIDEO EXAMPLE

MARRIAGE DISSOLUTION CASCADE: MARRIAGE DISSOLUTION CASCADE: Flooding and ContemptFlooding and Contempt

VIDEO EXAMPLE


4. AVOIDING4. AVOIDING PHYSICAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL SEPARATIONPHYSICAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL SEPARATION SEEK SUPPORT FROM FRIENDS/FAMILYSEEK SUPPORT FROM FRIENDS/FAMILY 5. TERMINATING5. TERMINATING LONGER THE RELATIONSHIP MORE PAINFULLONGER THE RELATIONSHIP MORE PAINFUL SPECIFIC SEPARATION MESSAGESSPECIFIC SEPARATION MESSAGES

COMING APARTCOMING APART 3. STAGNATING3. STAGNATING““HOLDING ON” FOR OTHER REASONSHOLDING ON” FOR OTHER REASONSRELATIONSHIP NO LONGER DISCUSSEDRELATIONSHIP NO LONGER DISCUSSED

MAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPSMAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPS PROSOCIAL BEHAVIORSPROSOCIAL BEHAVIORS POLITE, CHEERFUL, FRIENDLY; AVOID CRITICISM; POLITE, CHEERFUL, FRIENDLY; AVOID CRITICISM; COMPROMISE EVEN WHEN IT INVOLVES SELF-COMPROMISE EVEN WHEN IT INVOLVES SELF-

SACRIFICE. SACRIFICE. TALKING ABOUT A SHARED FUTURETALKING ABOUT A SHARED FUTURE CEREMONIAL BEHAVIORSCEREMONIAL BEHAVIORS CELEBRATE BIRTHDAYS,ANNIVERSARIESCELEBRATE BIRTHDAYS,ANNIVERSARIES DISCUSSING PAST PLEASURABLE TIMESDISCUSSING PAST PLEASURABLE TIMES EAT AT FAVORITE RESTAURANT EAT AT FAVORITE RESTAURANT

MAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPSMAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPS ““TOGETHERNESS” BEHAVIORSTOGETHERNESS” BEHAVIORS DOING THINGS AS A COUPLE, JOINT ACTIVITIES, DOING THINGS AS A COUPLE, JOINT ACTIVITIES, CONTROL “EXTERNAL-TO-RELATIONSHIP” ACTIVITIESCONTROL “EXTERNAL-TO-RELATIONSHIP” ACTIVITIES COMMUNICATION BEHAVIORSCOMMUNICATION BEHAVIORS CALL JUST TO SAY, "HOW ARE YOU?" CALL JUST TO SAY, "HOW ARE YOU?" LISTENING ACTIVELY, USING D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. ABOUT SHARED LISTENING ACTIVELY, USING D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. ABOUT SHARED

FEELINGS, ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF THE RELATIONSHIP. FEELINGS, ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF THE RELATIONSHIP. RESPOND CONSTRUCTIVELY IN A CONFLICT: FAIR FIGHTING RESPOND CONSTRUCTIVELY IN A CONFLICT: FAIR FIGHTING

Four Effective Problem-Solving Skills Four Effective Problem-Solving Skills in a Long-Term Relationshipin a Long-Term Relationship1.1. Physiological soothingPhysiological soothing

Basic to all other skills Basic to all other skills Calming self Calming self

2.2. Softened start-upSoftened start-up DDescriptive escriptive I-Messages I-Messages OOpen Acknowledgementpen Acknowledgement

3.3. Repair and De-escalationRepair and De-escalation MetacommunicationMetacommunication Accepting influenceAccepting influence

4.4. CompromiseCompromise Based on common groundBased on common ground

See TextbookSee Textbook

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Romantic Love,“Real Love”And The Cycle of Relationships