Revising the Essay

Revising the Essay

Revising Sentences

Do I use parallelism to balance my words and ideas?

Do I have a consistent point of view?

Do I use specific words? Do I use active verbs? Do I use words effectively by avoiding slang,

clichés, pretentious language, and wordiness? Do I vary my sentences?

Revising Sentences

Parallelism Use a consistent point of view Use specific words Use active verbs Use concise words Vary your sentences

Parallelism

Nonparallel (Not Balanced) My job includes checking

the inventory, initialing the orders, and to call the suppliers.

When words in a pair or a series should have parallel structure:

Parallelism

Nonparallel (Not Balanced) My job includes checking

the inventory, initialing the orders, and to call the suppliers.

Parallel (Balanced) My job includes checking

the inventory, initialing the orders, and calling the suppliers.

When words in a pair or a series should have parallel structure:

Consistent Point of View

Inconsistent verb tense: Jean punched down the

risen yeast dough in the bowl. Then she dumps it onto the flowered worktable and kneaded it into a smooth, shiny ball.

Consistency with Verbs

Consistent Point of View

Inconsistent verb tense: Jean punched down the

risen yeast dough in the bowl. Then she dumps it onto the flowered worktable and kneaded it into a smooth, shiny ball.

Consistent verb tense: Jean punches down the

risen yeast dough in the bowl. Then she dumps it onto the floured worktable and kneads it into a smooth, shiny ball.

Consistency with Verbs

Inconsistent: One of the fringe benefits

of my job is that you can use a company credit card for gasoline.

Consistent Point of ViewConsistency with Pronouns

Inconsistent: One of the fringe benefits

of my job is that you can use a company credit card for gasoline.

Consistent: One of the fringe benefits

of my job is that I can use a company credit card for gasoline.

Consistent Point of ViewConsistency with Pronouns

Use Specific Words A car went around the

corner.


corner.

A battered blue dodge careened around the corner.


corner.

Janet quickly ate the main course.



corner.



Janet devoured the plate of ribs in two and a half minutes.


corner.


The president did things that caused problems.




corner.


The president did things that caused problems.



The president’s military spending increased the budget deficit

Use Specific Words (Continued)

It is called the suburbs now, but when black people lived there it was called the Bottom. One road, shaded by big trees, connected it to the valley. Many of the trees are gone now. Generous funds have been allotted to level the buildings on the road from Medallion up to the golf~course. They are going to knock down the pool hall, the beauty parlor, and the restaurant.

It is called the suburbs now, but when black people lived there it was called the bottom. One road, shaded by beeches, oaks, maples, and chestnuts, connected it to the valley. The beeches are gone now, and so are the pear trees where children sat and yelled down through the blossoms at passersby. Generous funds have been allotted to level the stripped and faded buildings that cluster the road from Medallion up to the golf course. They are going to raze the Time and a Half Pool Hall, where feet in long tan shoes once pointed down from chair rungs. A steel ball will knock to dust Irene's Palace of Cosmetology, where women used to lean their heads back on sink trays and doze while Irene lathered Nu Nile into their hair. Men in khaki work clothes will pry loose the slats of Reba's Grill, where the owner cooked in her hat because she couldn't remember the ingredients without it.

Use Active Verbs The fatal traffic accident

was caused by a drunk driver.

Many unhealthy foods are included in the typical American diet.

Antibiotics are used by doctors to treat many infections.

A drunk driver caused the fatal traffic accident.

The typical American diet includes many unhealthy foods.

Doctors use antibiotics to treat many infections.

Use Active Verbs (Continued)

The family picnic was invaded by hundreds of biting ants.

Final grades will be determined by the instructor on the basis of class performance.

Hundreds of biting ants invaded the family picnic.

The instructor will determine final grades on the basis of class performance.

Use Concise Words

Wordiness:Using more words than necessary to express a meaning—is often a sign of lazy or careless writing, and it’s boring to read!

Appropriate Words

Colloquial:

deal

boss

buddy

snooze

flop

kid

snoopfolks

flunk

Formal:

agreement

employer

friend

nap

failure

child

spy, pryparents

fail

Colloquial:

guts

cop

dope

goof

guy

old man

brokelousy

gyp

Formal:

courage

police officer

narcotics

make a mistake

man

father, husband

out of moneyvery poor

swindle

Appropriate Words (Continued)

From Vague to Specific

VeryVague

orAbstract

VerySpecific

orConcrete

thing redbook

RedRandom House

Dictionary

Red Random House

Dictionary3rd Ed.

with Coffee Stain

book

reddictionary

RedRandom House

Dictionary3rd Ed.

Avoid Prepositional Phrases

Adjective-type modifiers: Workers in a factory = factory workers Members of a class = class members

Adverb-type modifiers: Written in an accurate manner = written accurately Drive in a careful way = drive carefully

Because of the fact that the watch was inexpensive in price, he bought it.

Avoid Wordiness


Because the watch was inexpensive, he bought it.

Avoid Wordiness


In my opinion I think that the financial aid system at Ellensville Junior college is in need of reform.


Avoid Wordiness




The financial aid system at Ellensville Junior College needs reform.

Avoid Wordiness



On October 10, in the fall of 1987, we learned the true facts about the robbery.



Avoid Wordiness



On October 10, in the fall of 1987, we learned the true facts about the robbery.



On October 10, 1987, we learned the facts about the robbery.

Avoid Wordiness

Some people can relate to the hustle and bustle of city life.

Trite: Something that is worn out by constant use; no longer having freshness, originality, or novelty.

Avoid Triteness


Some people thrive on the energy and motion of city life.


Avoid Triteness


This book is worth its weight in gold to the car owner.



Avoid Triteness


This book is worth its weight in gold to the car owner.


This book can save the car owner hundreds of dollars a year in repairs.


Avoid Triteness

Vary your Sentences: Coordination

A clause is a group of words that contains a subject and a verb. If a clause can stand alone as a complete idea, it is an independent clause and can be written as a simple sentence.

EXAMPLE: The dog barked all night. The neighbors didn't complain.

USE COORDINATING CONJUNCTIONS—AND, BUT, FOR, NOR, OR SO, YET—TO JOIN TWO INDEPENDENT CLAUSES TOGETHER.

EXAMPLE: The dog barked all night, but the neighbors didn’t complain.

Revise by Adding a Second Complete Thought

Two clauses can also be joined with a subordinating conjunction. The clause following a subordinating conjunction is called a subordinate or dependent clause because it depends on an independent clause to complete its meaning.

EXAMPLE: We will light the candles when Flora arrives.

SOME SUBORDINA TING CONJUNCTIONS: after because since when whenever although before unless whereas as as if if until while

Revise by Adding a Dependent Thought

Vary your Sentences: Subordination

Vary your Sentences: Special Openers

-ed WordConcerned about his son’s fever, Paul called a doctor.

-ing WordHumming softly, the woman browsed through the rack of dresses.

-ly wordHesitantly, Sue approached the instructor’s desk.

Revise by Beginning with a Special Opening Word or Phrase

Vary your Sentences: Special Openers(Continued)

To word group

To protect her hair, Eva uses the lowest setting on her blow dryer.

Prepositional Phrase

During the exam, drops of water fell from the ceiling.

More Ways to Vary your Sentences

Through the use of semicolons:

You can join two independent clauses by placing a semicolon between them. The semicolon takes the place of a conjunction:

EXAMPLE: She hopes to receive good grades this semester; her scholarship depends on her maintaining a 3.5 index.

More Ways to Vary your Sentences (Continued)

Through the use of conjunctive adverbs:A conjunctive adverb placed after the semicolon can help clarify the relationship between two clauses:

EXAMPLE: I like the sound of that stereo: however, the price is too high.

Some Conjunctive Adverbs:consequently in fact nevertheless furthermore indeed then however moreover therefore


By using complex sentences: A complex sentence contains two clauses: one independent and one dependent. The independent clause is joined by a dependent clause beginning with a subordinate conjunction or relative pronoun.

EXAMPLES:When the curtain went up, Diane was alone on the stage.If you have any money, we can go out to dinner.My cat cries whenever I use the can opener.


By using compound sentences: A sentence containing two independent clauses joined by a coordinate conjunction or a conjunctive adverb.

EXAMPLES:

Elaine brought a casserole, and Carl brought some popovers.

My car is broken, so I rode to school with Paul.

Delta is offering discounted flights, but Southwest is even cheaper.

Areas to Watch Out For

Watch using subordinators as introductory words of sentences.

EXAMPLES:

I always eat ice cream too fast. Which means I get a headache.

I always eat ice cream too fast, which means I get a headache.

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Revising the Essay