Imagine, if you will, a Xerox of Erik'he Fish"Jensen's butt in this space .Scary, eh? Now don't you sleep better

knowing that I correct the proofs o fthis rag before it goes to press ?

The Newspaper For Science Students

Vol 6 No 4 19 Oct '92

Remembering Jon . . .Eulogy (sort of) to a fallen comrade

SUS Council ToU ndergo Surgery

Members go under knife to correct "colonic anomaly "Rog

God of the Quick Ankle

As you may or may no tknow by now, the Novembe rScience dance has, this year,been named the JonCampbell-Dinkleheimer-Smith Semi-Memorial Dance .This is in fond memory of ou rdearly departed Director o fSports, who first graced ou rhallowed halls with his pres-ence one year ago today, andwho was tragically taken fro mus all too soon last April . But,for those of you who were no tlucky enough to know thislegend among men, allow meto share with you a few pas -sages from his meteoric rise tofame . . .

What can we say about JonCampbell-Dinkleheimer -Smith? I can honestly say tha tthe mere mention of his nam ebrings a smile to my face . ( Imean, doesn't it make yo ulaugh?) Born Jon Campbell -Smith to a well-to-do Ontari ocouple, Jon felt the urge t omigrate westward after finish-ing high school, and so foun dhimself within the friendlyconfines of UBC .

Having been here hard;.y amonth and a half, and seekin ghis own niche in the UBCsocial echelons, Jon wanderedhappily into SUS this ver yday one year ago . It didn't ,take Jon very long to involvehimself in the goings-on inthe office, and quickl ybecame a SUS Sports Rep .But Jon didn't stop there ; hewent above and beyond th ecall of duty in assisting Jare tClay, SUS Director of Sports ,to such an extent that he vir-tually assumed Jaret's posit ionand performed the entire jo bhimself. Thus it came as n ogreat surprise when Jon wa selected Director of Sports Fo rthe 1992/93 school year .

Jon's flair for public rela ..tions, however, were not onl yevident in his work . FromBlackcomb to Bellingham, h ewas known as a consummatepartygoer, a social wizard thatdelighted and enriched every -one that knew him, and abeer drinker par excellence .Many a weekend was spent. byJon at Blackcomb, where h eworked as a ski instructor b yday and haunted Garfinkel' sand the Savage Beagle by

night . And anyone who kne wJon knew that the Pit wa snever safe from him, day o rnight .

The name Dinkleheimer' ,of course, comes from the oldsong that goes, "John JacobDinkleheimer Smith, hisname is my name too . . . " andwas sung for Jon at least onceevery SUS meeting last year.It has recently been suggestedthat the name be bestowedupon all SUS Directors ofSports from now on, an honorthat any SUS official wouldbe proud to bear.

But, just as Jon was des -tined for greatness, traged ystruck . (He got his transcript . )And so, as quickly as he hadcome, Jon was gone, but no tforgotten by any means. It i sin his honor that we inviteyou to come have a brew forJon at the dance o nNovember 6th . It ' s what Jonwould have wanted .

By the way, rumor has i tthat he's hitchin' a ride outhere with Elvis and comin 'back next year . We can onl yhope .

Kevin Phillips Bong

Roving Corresponden tEarly next week, members

of the Science UndergraduateSociety will undergo emergen -cy surgery at UniversityHospital, for excision of whatdoctors have described as a"colonic anomaly" .

According to chief of staffDr. Carl Marks, the decisionto operate was made aftercareful testing and delibera-tion . " It started out with theaffected members complainingof severe lower abdomina lpain, difficulty in walking orsitting, and just about every -thing else in their lives, actu-ally, " said Marks . "Othermembers noticed abnorma lbehavior . . . irritablility, over-particularity, reticence andstubbornness . These symptomspointed to the possibility of astricture or blockage in th elower intestinal tract . Furthe rradiological and proctologicaltests confirmed this diagnosis . "

Marks went on to describ ethe nature of the problem ."As best we can ascertain, theculprit appears to be a long,narrow, cylindrical object, ofsome 50 cm in length, lodgedin the lower colons of the

affected individuals . Bruisingand sphincter damage suggestsrectal insertion, and examina-tion of the wounds helpedgive us some idea of what theobject is . . . possibly a fence-post, or perhaps a broom-stick . "

The three-hour procedureto remove the foreign object sis being given top priority"not because it is a dangerou scondition, but rather becausea quick remedy will mea nrapid recoveries for thepatients . As a result, weexpect that SUS Council ma ythen resume business as usual ,in a productive, harmoniou sand enjoyable manner . "

Reactions to the announce-ment were mixed. Said on epatient, Sales Manage rMichael Chow, "Well, I'mjust glad the doctors havestudied this . I'd like to com-mend them for it . "

"I don't know," said ex -SUS official and medical stu-dent Ari Giligson . "Sounds t ome like they've just got anenormous pole stuck up thei rcollective ass . We had ways tofix that, back in the good o fdays, and it wasn't with ascalpel . . . "

INGREDIENTS :OVER 95% OF CONTENTS CONSIST OF SODIU MHYPOCHLORITE, GRAPHITE, POLYMERIZED HYDROCAR-BONS, AND 1R TREES . LESS THAN 5% CONSIST O FBROWN-NOSING FOR ENGL 203, SOCIAL DISEASES (PAGE 2) ,THE DANGER OF TETRIS, RABIES' TRIUMPHANT RETUR N(PAGE 3), ANGRY DUCK (PAGE 4), DIK MILLER – CAMPU SENFORCER (PAGE 5), OH NO NOT AGAIN PART 2, TH EIMPORTANCE OF BEING STROVE (PAGE 6), MUNDAN EDUMPSTER, (PAGE 7), ROG ON EXTRATERRESTRIALS (PAG E8) .

"I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT. . . I DON'T HAVE MUC HEXPERIENCE IN RUNNING UP A $4 TRILLION DEFICIT."

H . ROSS PEROT

© 1992 SCIENCE UNDERGRAD SOCIETY PUBLICATIONS .

2

The Four Thirty—Two Vol 6 No 4

19 Oct '92

THE FOUR-HUNDRED THIRTY SECOND BOOK OF SCIENCE, CALLE D

EDITORS

McCUAIG1

IN the beginning theAMS created theCouncil and the SUB.

2 The Council was withoutstigma, and possessed of rea -son; and enlightenment wasupon the face of the campus .And the Council of AM Smoved upon the corridors ofBrock Hall .3 The AMS said, Let there b ea Student Union Building :and there was a StudentUnion Building .4 And the AMS saw th eSUB, that it was good .5 And the AMS said, Le tthere be businesses in the fir-mament of the concourse todivide the student from th esilver, and let them be forcoffee, and for pizza, and fo rbeer, and raspberry-flavoure dfather-of-nation-preventers .6 And let them be for busi-nesses in the firmament of theconcourse to give moneyupon the AMS : and it was so.

2NOW every profit-mak-ing venture of the con -course before it was in

the SUB, and every busines sof the concourse before i tgrew, for there was not a stu-dent to patronize them.2 And the AMS formed amember of the cash of hi swallet, and breathed into hi snostrils the breath of ambi-tion and anal-retentiveness ;and the AMS memberbecame a Council Hack.3 And out of the bankroll theLORD AMS formed every con-stituency of the campus, andevery organization in th eSUB; and brought them untothe Council Hack to see whathe would call them; an dwhatsoever the Council Hac kcalled every bureaucrati cmenace, that was the namethereof.4 The Council Hack gav enames to all clubs, and theUbyssey of the SUB : but fo rthe Council Hack there wa snot found an help meet fo rhim .5 And the LORD AMS creat-ed Pit Night, causing a deepstupor to fall upon th eCouncil Hack, and he slept:and he took one of his agen-das, and closed up the brief-case instead thereof;6 And the agenda, which theLORD AMS had taken fromCouncil Hack, made he aCouncil Hackette, andbrought her unto the Counci lHack.7 And the Council Hack said ,This is now ambition of myambition; she shall be calledWoman .8 And there was dissent upon

the face of the campus .9 And the AMS took thevowels of the Council Hack :and gave him instead two lik evowels and a consonant.10 And the Council Hackcalled the hackette's nam eWimmin .

3IN process of time i tcame to pass, whenCouncil Hacks began to

multiply on the face of thecampus, and AMS-types werecreated unto them .2 That the AMS saw theAMS-types that they werefair, and it took them Ubysse yEditors of all which it chose .3 There were giants in th eUbyssey in those days ; andalso after that, for the samebecame mighty journalist swhich were of old, journalistsof renown .4 And the AMS saw that theleftness of the Ubyssey wasgreat in the SUB, and tha tevery every imagination ofthe thoughts was only irrele-vant and hypocritical contin-ually .5 But the Campus Timesfound grace in the eyes of theAMS .6 And it repented the AM Sthat it had made the Ubysse yon the SUB, and it grieved i tat its heart .7 And the AMS said untothe Campus Times, The endof all campus advertising inthe Ubyssey is come beforeme; for the campus is fille dwith birkenstockism throug hthem, and, behold, we wil ldestroy them with the SUB.8 And, behold, we, even we ,do bring a flood of paper-shuf-fling upon the SUB, t odestroy all newspapers where -in lacks the best interests ofevery student.9 And the Council Hacks di damend the course of th eAMS, and the Campus Time sfound no rest for its stacks ,and the Ubyssey returne dunto the SUB, unscathed .10 And the Youn gConservatives said, We willdestroy the Ubyssey whomthe AMS has created fro mthe face of the SUB: bothcollective, and contributors ,and the creeping thing ; for i trepenteth us that the AM Shas made it .11 As it is to this day .

AND the Ubyssey was

4 threescore and eighteenyears old; these were the

years of the life of theUbyssey .2 And it came to pass afterthese things that Science didsay unto Derek, Take now thyMac, thine only Mac Lucifer ,and create thee a paper intothe campus, and offer it therefor an offering upon th eScience buildings which wewill tell the of.3 And Derek worked until

late in the morning, and sad-dled his ass, and went untoCollege Printers .4 And Derek said unto hi sassistants, Abide ye here withthe ass ; and I will go yonderand get the papers; and comeagain to you .5 Therefore the students ofScience read of the 432 unt othis day .6 And Derek lasted a year,and begat an editor not in hi slikeness, nor after his image ;and called his name Aaron .7 And Aaron lasted a year ,and begat Dave .8 And all the days of Aaronwere two years, and hestepped down.9 And Dave lasted but half ayear, before Aaron returne donce more .10 And Aaron lasted yet anhalf year, and begat Patrick .11 And Patrick lasted a year ,and begat Ryan .12 And the days of Ryan areas yet unnumbered.13 Yea verily, right.

Roger Watts

SUS Soto & ExVP

Well, I'm afraid I don' treally have much to tal kabout this week too lazy to write, inmost part because they're no tmuch afoot haven't organized anything .

So, I'll just take this opportu-nity free PR to talk a little spout

off at the expense of SUS about th eimportance of helping outwith the SUS Socia lCommittee lazy sods. It's a veryrewarding thankless job thatyou'll treasure forever why'd I le t

him sucker me into it , and that offershours of fun slavery and manyperks too the free bzzr myth is only so

much sucker bait . So come on outjust step a bit closer and sign up con-

tract for life . You ' ll love it to death .

Anyhoo, I guess while I' mhere, I'll remind you of theSports Bzzr Garden on Friday

SCIENC ESPORT SB Z Z RGARDE N

friday october 2 3

4,32pm — 8 .30p m

biosci 244 9

bzzr at an eve nmore unbelievabl ylow price, and w ereally can't tea syou this time . "

(alright, alright/ it's 50c . )

the 23rd, at preeecisely 4 :32pm till 8 :30 in Biol 2449 .Only 50 cents for a cup of theamber nectar. Can't beat that.

Other fun things to do :Oktoberfest 2, Sunday Oct .25th at the Lunatic Fringe ,315 E . Broadway. Music byThe Love Bugs (you saw ` emat the AMS BBQ, featuringour very own Derek K . Miller !

Or, of course, the JonCampbell-Dinkleheimer-Smith Semi-Memorial Dance ,Friday November 6th, 8 :00pm'til 1 :00am in the SU BBallroom . A buck a bzzr, andother beverages available too .C'mon out and have one forof Jon . (By the way, in caseyou're wondering who thehell Jon is, check out Jon

Remembered. . . on Page One . )Later!

reprinted from The 432, Vol 3 No 2 .

Ryan

.,

Social DiseasesRECYCLED JOKES

Q: How many engineersdoes it take to change aIightbuIb ?

A : Five hundred . One toremove the old bulb ,ninety-nine to dig th ehole, one to throw it in ,ninety-nine to fill th ehole with concrete, twohundred and ninety-nin eto erect a cairn over it ,and one to replace theold bulb with one paint-ed red .

Q : How many first-yea rArtsies does it take tochange a light bulb ?

A: None. It's not covered i nthe curriculum unti lfourth year .

VoI6No4

19 Oct '92 The Four Thirty—Two

3

RA B I ES Returns . .The 432, contrary to what is stated in the very tiny print atthe bottom of the credits section (as if you've read it), we dowelcome letters . So go for it . Next deadline is October 26 .

Right now, I should bestudying for midterms, but I' mnot . Instead, I am going toget on everyone's nerves wit hyet another long-winded criti-cism of the university experi-ence . Supposedly, one come sto university to get an educa-tion in some specialized field .Unfortunately, the educationone receives has precious lit-tle to do with one's specializa-tion .

The first thing one learnsin university is that you hadbetter get to class early if youwant to be one of the lucky400 students who actually ge ta seat for the lecture . Second ,one learns that it is quite pos-sible to get through a coursewithout ever finding out whatyour professor 's name was, oreven what they looked like .As well, one learns is thatstudying for exams is pointles sbecause they really don't tes tyour understanding of subjec tmatter . All that exams test i sthe student's ability toremember something longenough to spit it back outduring the time allotted forthat exam .

Whose fault is it that theCanadian university system issuch a poor educator? Usuall ythe blame is given to the stu-dents, since they seldom stan dup for themselves . If it doesn' tland on the students, th eblame lands on the professor sbecause most are foolishenough to try to be educatorswithout getting any trainingin education . If both the stu-dents and professors manag eto dodge the blame, it landsin the lap of the universityadministrators, who shift it tosociety .

Unfortunately, no one sin -

gle group deserves all the"credit" because it is partiall yeveryone's doing . The stu-dents are to blame becausethey don't shoulder any o1' theresponsibility for their educa-tion . If students don't makethemselves heard, thennobody is going to kno

w or even care — that lecturesize is determined by howmany people the fire . depart-ment will allow in any singleroom. If students refuse to getinvolved in student govern-merit (by voting), how will.student government have anycredibility in the eyes ofadministrators and legislators?Students should realize tha ttheir responsibility for thei reducation doesn't end whe nthey hand over their tuitioncheques .

Professors are also to blam ebecause, like students, theyhave stopped complainingloudly . It seems professor shave bought into the "publishor perish" mentality . It is rareto find professors who seetheir role as educators a sbeing as important as thei rrole as researchers. This i sonly reinforced by the admin-istration, which seems toappreciate the corporate an dgovernment research moneythat professors attract mor ethan the student tuition the yattract .

The role that administra-tors play in the decliningquality of a Canadian univer-sity education is one of a lac kof leadership . It is true thatadministrators are vocal inexpressing the need for mor esupport for the university sys-tem, yet they do little else toimprove the system. Insteadof innovating and finding ere -

ative solutions to the immedi-ate problems, they sit backand perpetuate the problems.When the Buchanan build-ings were built, they housedclassrooms, when theInstructional ResourcesCentre was built they housed" lecture auditoriums " . Theadministrators build bigge rclassrooms and expand for thefuture, yet they do not hiremore pt esssdrs or ~rcachingassistants. Administrators alsofail when it comes to showin gsociety how valuable the uni-versity system is and how i thas an important role inCanada ' s future .

The university system haschanged little since the insti-tution first appeared in th eearly eleventh century . Doesnobody realize that the lec-ture and examination systemmay work when professors an dstudents have personal con -tact, but fails when a studentand a professor must intro -duce themselves to each othe rwhenever they meet.

Perhaps the entire wa ymaterial is presented is notthe most effective . Perhap sstudents' memory skills arebeing tested more than thei ranalytical skills.

Perhaps it is time tha tadministrators, faculty, andstudents all begin to worktogether to change an anti-quated system . Canadian soci-ety must be made to realizethat the need for a good uni-versity education outweigh sthe need for a "degree", an dthat the university system i simportant to the future ofCanada .

Rocco Liegghio

Dear Mr. McCuaig ,

While the Campus Time sappreciates your support (i nyour editorial October 7 ,1992), we would like toobject to one part of yourcomments.

In your editorial, yo ureferred to the Campus Time sfor "being pigheaded anddivorcing itself totally fromthe AMS . "

This, I must argue, is notthe case . In fact, the CampusTimes, for a good part of Jul yand August, did attempt t oset up a relationship with th eAMS .

A number of options werediscussed with various mem-bers of the AMS Executive .Allow me to list some of theoptions and why they werenot further pursued:

1) The Campus Times se titself up as a club : Both theAMS and the Campus Timesseriously considered thi soption. However, it was no tviable . In order to set our -selves up as a club, we woul dhave to turn all financialassets over to the AMS .Considering that almost $1 0000 in personal income wasinvested in this venture, thatwould not be wise . The AMS ,on the other hand, gave noindication that it was pre-pared to reimburse theinvestors, but obviously, thereis no reason why they should.

2) The Campus Timesdonate all or part of its profitsto the AMS : While this is amoot point (considering tha tthe Campus Times does no tmake any profit yet), this i snot feasible . The AMS wasnot prepared to accept this .After all, that would be a seri-ous conflict of interest . Howcould the AMS support anindependent publication atthe same time they suppor tthe Ubyssey?

3) A club be formed to cre-ate another AMS newspaper ,which then contracts out thedesktop publishing to AvenueTen Publishing (us), whic hsecures advertisers in order t opay for the publication of thi spaper . In my opinion, thisseemed quite feasible .However, there were certai ndrawbacks. First, the editoria lcontrol would have to residein the club . At the sametime, we were told, the own-ers of Avenue Ten could notbe members of that club (thatwould be a conflict of inter-est) . That is, we could neve redit the newspaper . Yet theCampus Times was formed, inpart, because we very muchwanted to edit a quality cam-pus newspaper . There seemedlittle point in our building anewspaper in which we coul dhave no input .

In essence, the position ofthe AMS was this : as long a seditorial and financial contro ldid not rest solely with theAMS, there could be no rela-tions with the Campus Times .While this is regrettable, it i sneither unexpected nor is i tunreasonable .

And in case any of yo uwonder, yes, we are disap-pointed that the AMS hasbanned us from SUB .However, we also understandwhy they did it. I know th eentire AMS Executive, andcount them as friends . It i smy belief that they are doingwhat they think is the righ tthing for the AMS and fo rthe members of the AMS . Ido not fault them.

The SUB is but one build-ing on campus . We can befound everywhere else . Enjoy .

Aaron Drak eEditor-in-Chief, Campus Time s

Deadly Commie Virus Threatens CampusCCXkWl.1

Jeff Haas

Token Artsi e

TETRIS .What connotations are

associated with this word foryou? Does this word sendimages flashing through you rhead of simple blocks con-necting in complicated pat-terns? Or is it just the nameof a mindless video game tha tyou have on your computer ?You probably think tha tTETRIS is just a game. If youare one of the millions whobelieve this, then take thi sarticle as a warning: You arenot only mistaken, but youare in DANGER ! ! !

TE'IRIS is not a game . It i snot a toy . It is not meant fo rchildren. It is a deadly com-munist virus that is spreadthrough subliminal bio-mes-sages that flash on a computerscreen while playing whatappears to be an innocen tvideo game . This viruschanges the coding of yourDNA and has the potential r oobliterate your mind and fil lit with endless images ofsenseless blocks . As it spreads ,it is meant to destroy al lnational initiative, reduceGNP and, worst of all, over-ride our national desire fo rbzzr .

TETRIS was engineered by

bio-computer-scientists of theUSSR during the Cold War .Intended to invade the mindsof North Americans, TETRISwas supposed to lie dormantuntil Moscow was ready toawaken it . Unfortunately, theTETRIS virus has becomeactive and is now out of con-trol . The meltdown of man ystudent minds on the UB Ccampus has already becomeapparent.

While walking through thehalls, I am sure that many ofyou have noticed dazed an dempty expressions on thefaces of quite a few people .You have probably alsonoticed doodles on walls,

desks and even lab reportsthat represent the block sinherent in the lives andthoughts of those withTETRIS . It is a sad thing tosee in so many, with so littl ehope . Luckily, though, the yare blissfully unaware of whatthey have become . They arenot cognizant of the fact tha ttheir lives do not actuallyrevolve around the pinnacleof a four-line score .

Dazed and confused, thesepoor creatures have bee ntaken over by this Sovie t"game" . The purpose in creat-ing a virus that would subver tand limit the thoughts of th e

continued page l

Ryan McCuai gEditor and Executive Whip-Cracke r

EDITORIA LContributing Writers Leona Adams, Janice Boyle ,

Michael Chow, Aaron Drake, Jeff Haas, Rocc oLiegghio, Carmen McKnight, Derek Miller, Ro d

Reddekopp, and with me as always is Rog.Party on, Rog.

xA R T AND D E S I G N

Layout Ryan McCuaigContributing Artists Aaron Drake, Mike Ewell,Amy Hillaby, Ryan McCuaig, Roger Watts, an d

someone whose name couldn't be read. Sorry. (She'sblonde, about 5'5" and drew the facing cartoon, tho) .

xPRODUCTIO N

Printer College Printers, Ltd. VancouverDistributor E-Fish-ent Distribution, Ltd .

19 October 1992, Vol 6, No 4The 432 is published biweekly by the Sc ience Undergraduate Society o fUBC, somewhere close to Main Mall and University Blvd . We generallyhake cute lets out d our mail, especially the politically correct stuff, andon't bother sending any .

4

The Four Thirty-Two Vol 6 No 4

19 Oct '92

Blown Away. . .

DUCKI read an enlightening arti-

cle the other day. So enlight-ening was it that I swore off

Mexican food.

A physicist at anAmerican University wrote avery thought-provoking lette rin the National Review toWilliam F. Buckley (motto :

I'm more right-wing than youare) . It addressed a verytouchy topic of today. Let mequote some of his letter :

"I'm a physicist at a smal l

midwestern college . I neve rbelieved any of the stories Iread in your letters section ,until one of those stories

happened to me . I was study-ing in the lab naked one dayand — "

Whoops! Wrong letter !Hah hah, how'd that get i nthere? I blame the computer.

Actually, this professor'sletter addressed th eGreenhouse Effect, or wha the claimed to be the mysteryof the Greenhouse Effect .

In essence, this professorproved through very simplemathematics that the knownincrease in atmospheric CO2

since 1950 could not possibl yhave been a result of human

activity. As a matter of fact ,

simple math showed tha thuman activity could accoun tfor only six peicent of thetotal increase .

This is not to say that heclaimed there was n oGreenhouse Effect. All hesaid was that the increase inCO2 was not a result o f

humanity. He then posed thequestion : Where did all thisCO2 come from? He had n o

explanation, and no explana-tion has been offered else -where .

I have a number of theo-ries, however.

Theory #1 : Politics:Suspicious eyes seem toalways look towards thenational capitals, but thi stime there is good reason . Bymy calculations (very scien-tifically done on a coaster a tthe Yale Pub), one politicalspeech releases into theatmosphere twelve cubicmeters of noxious vapours,the majority of which iswarm CO 2 .

This is a great theory, espe-cially when you consider tha tthe solution would be toshoot the politicians .

Theory #2 : Spotted Owls .

Actually, I don't know why,but my father is a logger, andhe insists they're to blame .

Theory #3 : Somethingelse . Actually, somethin gvery specific, but this is (or i ssupposed to be) a PG-rated

paper, and I can ' t say theword. Suffice it to say tha tit's the thing Monty Pythonshows hamsters doing in car-toons (with an accompanyin g"FOOT!") . I will call it by a

code-word .

I am talking about fZZrts .

In addition to methane ,there is a great deal of CO2

contained in fZZrts .

I am certain that if scien-tists became serious about

monitoring the number offZZrts emitted by the world ,it would blow them away (nopun intended) .

Why has this suddenl ybecome a problem? Youmight be led to think that i thas to do with the fact tha tthere are more people thanever before . But the truth i smore sinister.

It's only been in the pas ttwenty or thirty years thatthe so-called professionalshave been trying to chang eour diets. Instead of healthy,meat and potatoes, withplenty of meat on the side ,what have they been tryin gto shove down our throats ?

Roughage !To be more specific, ove r

the past thirty years, th eworld has seen an unprece-dented and cataclysmic jumpin per capita consumption of

bran . Bran, as we know, is a

harbinger of the fZZrt .

It all becomes crystal clear ,doesn't it ?

Worse than all that has

been the rise of vegetarianism .I mean, look at what they

eat . For instance, there's

Tofu, which is bean curd .Hear that? BEANS! Bean sare pretty much compacte d

gas . Have you ever shared a

bed with a vegetarian? It wil lwake you up sometimes, as ifthey have an entire Tuba sec-tion hidden under the sheets .

There you have it .Vegetarians and the branindustry are the real culpritsof global warming .

Now is the time to call fo r

action. Everyone has to mak ea concerted effort if we are tohalt the process of globa l

warming. I will outline heremy plan to do this :

1) Shoot the politicians . Imean, it can't hurt, can it?

2) Eat Fruit Loops. OrSugar Crisp . Whatever, butditch the Healthy Breakfast

Kick . The worst thing tha thappened to the ecospherewas bran muffins, I'm tellin gyou.

3) Get Mike Harcourt to .set up an Emissions Programfor Humans, just like Air

Care . We could call it FZZr tSmart . Okay, it's a stupididea, but I bet he'll go for it .Or did we already shoot him ?

4) Make Beans availabl eby prescription only.

5) No more fZZrting! O rat least only do it in thebathtub .

There you have it. Thetruth behind global warming .Sure, they'll tell you it's real-ly because of automobileemissions . That's becausethey don't want you to kno wthe truth. But check the factsyourself. You'll find the truth .

Something smells rotten .

TETRIS, from page 2

Western world was, in theCold War era, understandablefor the USSR, because itwould have enabled them tocontrol the world and make i tRed. Now, however, with theWest in the position ofpower, the former Sovietshave recognized their grav eerror and are attempting tosave those who have not yetsuccumbed .

In a recent press release ,Vadim Gerasimov, conceptdesigner of the vicious virus ,informed world media tha tthe subliminal messagesrelayed by the "game" havesuccessfully entered the mindsof the millions who haveplayed it .

"This virus, " saidGerasimov, "was intended tolie dormant indefinitely unti la decision was made to awak-en it, and then it could onl ybe activated by a special codethat would be bounced toNorth America off a Soviet

satellite . ""The code was originall y

held by the leader of th eCommunist Party . WhenGorbachev began his programof reforms, he ordered thecode destroyed . His instruc-tions were apparently fol-lowed explicitly, " explain sGerasimov . "Unfortunatelythe code was inexplicablyentered when Boris (Yeltsin )was playing with his comput-er . We are very embarrassedby this incident and we hopethat our warning is in time tosave whatever minds have no tyet been destroyed . We arevery sorry. "

Barbara Bush, who wastending her own mindlesshusband, said that she toohad her regrets . "If Georgehad known, he never woul dhave accepted the vodka andvideo games from Mikhail . "She was also sending condo-lences out to the Canadiangovernment, who collectivelysuccumbed to the mindless-ness of TETRIS on August28 .

Angry

A bunch of things youprobably didn't know about

1. The Physsoc Choral Group practices o nThursdays from 12:30 to 2 :00pm. For more info ,contact Lucy at Henn 307 .2. Physsoc has a new Tutoring Registry . Goodtutors, reasonable rates. You can register a seither a tutor or tutee, so come on down . . .3. Physsoc 's membership is only $5, which getsyou access to :

A fridge and microwaveStudy carrelsDrop-in tutoringCheap pop and juiceCheap doughnuts and coffee

Physsoc is also sponsoring ($$$) twodelegates to CUPC . If you have a paper ,short talk or poster you'd like to present, talkto us in Henn 307 ASAP.

There was originally a sixth act to Hamlet, but it stranscriber met with an unfortunate random error . . .

Vol 6 No 4

19 Oct '92 The Four Thirty-Two

5

Stock up at the S.U.S. officein the Chemistry building, room 160 .

All profits will be donated to charity

The winning logo will becomethe officia sago of Science Week.

Entries must be :• A mauimtem of two colour s• Submitted to CHEM 150 by Niau 30 199 2

$LT!J

Remembtr : g I1w a,ysrear prapteye .pr•otett on wkeri

IPQeIi~ ►9 orf►h 9e s

University of British ColumbiaScience Undergraduate Sodety's

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Compare to the bookstore :

200 sheets for $1 .49 plus tax400 sheets for $2 .95 plus tax

WIN PRIZES!!: !Science WeekLogo Contest

Theme The EuolutionOf Science

Dik Miller, Campus Enforce r

MILLER

I was walking alon gUniversity Boulevard, on myway to purloin a steamedalmond milk and a ginger snapfrom the SUB . It was a cris pfall day, but I smelled some-thing sinister in the air.

I'm trained to smell thesethings . I'm Dik Miller,Engineering Politica lCorrectness Enforcer .

I soon determined that th esmell was coming from a par-ticularly unsavoury-lookingyoung man in a long trenchcoat who stood handing ou tleaflets .

"So, " he began, "which wayare you gonna vote?"

"Vote?" I asked, looking a thim blankly.

"In the referendum," h esaid.

"The referendum?""Yeah. Next week . Yo u

know, the referendum . "

"I thought they picked theElvis stamp already," I said .

"No, no," he hissed, holdingup one of his pamphlets . "Thereferendum on theCharlottetown Accord . "

"Sorry, I don't drive . I usedto own a Ford Pinto, though ."

He looked askance at me ."The Charlottetown Accord i san agreement on theCanadian Constitution . It ' snot a car ."

"Oh, that ." I smiled know-ingly . "Anything to do withthe First Amendment? "

"That's the American consti-tution ." He was getting exas-perated. "Where have youbeen for the past few months?"

"I don't know about you ,buddy," I retorted, "but I'vebeen working, "

"And you haven ' t heardabout the CharlottetownAccord? Where have you beenworking?"

"Over there," I pointe dvaguely in the direction of th eCivil and MechanicalEngineering Building. "In the

basement. I'm Dik Miller,Engineering PoliticalCorrectness Enforcer . "

"How can you work at auniversity and not know any-thing about the constitutiona ldebate?"

I put my hand on my chin ."I don't get out much, I guess ."

"Here then . " He pressed on eof his pamphlets into myhand. "This is a copy of th eagreement and some informa-tion on its impact . "

"Er, thanks," I said half -heartedly and trundled off t ostuff my face .

Over the next several hours ,I drank the steamed almondmilk, chowed down on theginger snap, read through theCharlottetown Agreement andits accompanying info ,scanned some newspapers toget the lowdown, ran back tomy office, and pounded ou tthe "Dik MillerTMGuide to theConstitution . "

Proud of my accomplish-ment, I took a copy back tothe young man who had origi-nally gotten me interested inthe topic .

"Here you go, " I said, walk-ing up to him and handin ghim the booklet .

He looked at it . Then h elooked at me .

"You must be insane," h edeclared .

"What?"

"A few hours ago youthought the CharlottetownAccord was a Japanese car ,and now you've written aguide to the Constitution?"

"Hey, I learn fast. "He shook his head an d

opened the slim volume. "Uh ,this isn' t very helpful . "

"What do you mean . "

'Well, all it says is, 'Neve rmind the Constitution, it's al lscrewed anyway." '

"It is, you know," I replied."You call that a guide to th e

Constitution?"

"I'm guiding people to avoi dit," I said proudly .

"But what about the refer-endum? What about the futureof the country?"

"Look," I said . "I've donequite a lot of reading in mylifetime - well, okay, in thepast three hours — and I'vecome to the conclusion tha twhat with tropical rainforestdestruction, global warming ,famine in Somalia, war inBosnia-Herzegovina, economi ccollapse in Russia, a possiblePlanet X that sends in cometsto destroy the Earth, and tha tDan Quayle–Murphy Brownthing, this damnedConstitutional conundrum i sjust small potatoes . "

I paused . "There is an E i n' potatoes, ' right?"

"Yeah," he said . "So you'rewilling to risk the dissolutionof one of the greatest countrie sin the world because you thinkthe Constitution just isn ' t thatimportant? "

"Let me put it this way: ifpeople vote Yes and the subse-quent argument breaks thecountry up ; or if people voteNo and the subsequent argu-ment breaks the country up ;then the rest of the world i sgoing to look at us and thinkwe're the stupidest nation i nthe world . And they'd b eright . "

Before he could answer, Iadded, "Pretty neat how Icould capitalize Yes and N owhile talking, eh? "

"So you think both Yes andNo will break the country up?"he asked . "See, I can capitalizein speech too . Mlah mlah . "

" I have no idea," I replied ."But I figure if people woul dquit arguing and actually dosomething we'd better deserveour reputation as a cool placeto live . Hence, ' Never min dthe Constitution, it ' s al lscrewed anyway ." '

I grinned . " I think thatabout sums it up . If you'llexcuse me, I have to distributecopies to my co-workers . "

I left the man sputtering"But, but . . ." as I walked offback to the office . Strange type ,I thought . Doesn't think thingsthrough very carefully .

As far as I'm concerned ,that's another case closed fo rDik Miller, Engineerin gPolitical Correctness Enforcer .

Derek K .

Design a T-shirt forthe UBC Departmen t

of Statistics

• A maximum of two colour s• Submitted to :

Anona Thorn eDept of Statistic sPonderosa C2021 West Mal lV6T 1Z 2

By November 16, 1992

.,nirt Design C,

design Contest I-sm . .uesign ContestT-shirt attest T-shirt Design Conte

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USC I =IYSICS SOCIETYHas gotten its act in gear and presents its . . .

6

The Four Thirty—Two Vol 6 No 4

19 Oct '92

"Oh, no, not again . "Chapter Two — "It's Leaking"

The Importance of Being Strove

Leona

ADAMS

Here I am, writing ye tanother last-minute article ,still somewhat drowsy fro mcounting drips from a gelfiltration column . If thi smakes no sense to you, thankthe deity of your choice thatyou don't have a major thatrequires you to takeBiochemistry 301 . For verilyI say unto you, I didst attendye olde pre-lab lecture, andyea, I didst slumber . Sleepin gin the lab lecture is notgenerally viewed to be a goo didea, because one tends tomiss all the neat little helpfulhints about how to avoidspending twelve hours writin gup the report . However, i fone had not spent twelv ehours writing up the report ,one would probably havebeen awake during thelecture . Ah, the ironicvicious cycle that is my life .

I really think the "experts"worry way too much. I mean,did any of you see what wason the front page of th eVancouver Sun last

Wednesday? It wasn't peoplestarving in any number ofdeveloping nations . Peoplewere in an uproar becauseMattel came out with aBarbie doll that says "Mathclass is tough ." Thissupposedly discourages girl sfrom being interested i nsciences .

First, to all the women ' sgroups that are havin gconniptions over this, here's abulletin: math IS hard, andeven more so for someon ewho doesn't have a singleneuron to her credit . I don' tthink that girls, howeveryoung, are gullible enough tobuy everything told to themby someone a foot high . Ireally have trouble buyin ginto the ultimate power ofsuggestion . The wholeconcept of Barbie, howeve rtwisted it may be, is for girl sto have someone to identifywith. Period. The thing tha tI find interesting about al lthis is the fact that Mattelsupposedly talked to girls andasked them what theythought Barbie would say i fshe could talk, and thecontroversial phrase wasapparently one of theirchoices . If you asked mewhat Barbie would say, I

would have guessedsomething like "I'm hopelesslyanorexic. Someone pleasefeed me ."

The "experts " are way toouptight. They need topractise Strovology. Ah yes ,the importance of beingStrove . Strove is not heldwithin the bounds of merenouns, verbs or adjectives (ifyou think that Strove is justthe past tense of strive,someone ' s been picking yourmental pockets) . Strove is anattitude, a way of life — no ,more than that : Strove is astate of being . It's the sort ofmindset that allows you towalk to the SUB in you rlongjohns, becausehumiliation rolls off you likeduck off a water's back. Well ,you know what I mean.Anyhow, Strove is a merestate in the land of Bohemia .You know, Bohemia :footloose, carefree . I recentlywas made aware of the fac tthat despite my beliefs to thecontrary, Bohemia actually i sa geographical location (or a tleast it was ; I never reallyliked geography) . There's nocure for an enjoyable belieflike the truth . PerhapsCalvin is right: maybeignorance is bliss.

ICanadtan-for-a-Day Kit.Directions:

1) Clip, 2) Wear, 3) Pack yer bags . . .

r

Fzzk the Referendum. . .I

I'm moving to the States.1

They've got all the goodhockey players anyway. . . I

II

Task Force on Appropriate Use of Information Technolog y

The Task Force is seeking input from the University community on how UBC shoul ddeal with offensive material appearing on UBC's computing equipment in the context o fsexual harassment and human rights policies.

Concern has been expressed about pornographic and other offensive materials bein gfound on UBCnet, and the Task Force has been formed to recommend guidelines fo rdealing with this and similar matters .

Students, faculty, staff, and other interested parties are invited to submit writtencomments to the Task Force. Submissions that reflect a familiarity with both theoperation of computer networks and the relevant policies will be of more benefit to th eTask Force than those that do not .

Rod Reddekopp

Columnis t

In the last episode, our heroinadvertently leaped through afreak wormhole in the spacetimecontinuum, was scared silly by asix-foot tall grinning bumblebee ,wet himself, and ended up on asidewalk surrounded by large ,mean-looking men . And now, th enext chapter .

First, the boy noticed theboots . Big black ones, with sil-ver studs . He looked up a littleand noted the black leathe rpants, with chains attached. .Then there was the T-shirt ,which had "Hell's Hamsters"written on it in large, imposingletters, along with appropriat esymbols . Fire breathing ham-sters with fangs, and the like .The man wasn't smiling. Helooked about as friendly as ,well, a hamster from hell . Theboy then looked around him ,and swallowed . Multiply thi sman by ten and you get theidea.

Before the boy could say aword, the ten rodents from therift simultaneously broke intoidiotic grins, exuberantlyjoined hands, curtsied daintily,and skipped merrily around theboy in circles singing "RingAround the Rosie " . After col-lapsing to the ground at the"we all fall down" part, they al lran off in different directions,laughing like lunatics .

The boy realized he wasmost likely going to have anulcer before he hit puberty. Healso realized that no one hadpaid any attention to what wasgoing on . It seemed this worl dhad the same problem with theI-don't-want-to-get-involvedsyndrome as his . When a soci-ety reaches the point where aeroup of Satan's pets can ring-around-the-rosie an innocen tboy in broad daylight withoutanyone lifting a finger — well ,that's just really sad .

With his meditation onmorality finished for the day,he decided to start his explo-ration by walking down th estreet . Some of what he sawconfirmed one of his ownlong-standing pet theories, atheory which is really justcommon sense if you stop an dthink about it . The idea is thatthere a good many things i nthe world that can beexplained only by leakage sbetween dimensions . A fewexamples are :

- The pyramids in Egyp t

- The statues at Easter Island

The huge circles in farme r' sfields (which, by the way ,are NOT caused by peanutbutter cups )

"The Ubyssey" at UBC, andthose who enjoy reading it

Ronald McDonald and hi sgang (who are in everydimension)

"Billiards and Souvlaki"establishments i nVancouve r

Surprisingly few people actu-ally seem to know about thatlast one . It ' s one of those thathas crept in silently . There aredefinitely at least two of themin Vancouver, one is onFourth . Watch for it . It's there .Honest . In fact, it's the itemthat prompted the boy's formu-lation of his theory. Whatother explanation could therebe? Is there some sort of tradi-tional connection, like basebal land hot dogs? Not likely . AnEnglish sport and a Greek foo ddon't seem to be a naturall yoccurring winning combina-tion. It was definitely a "D-leak" .

Confirmation of the theorycame after walking ten blocksor so . In this relatively shortdistance, the boy noted severa lsport/food establishments suchas "Lawn Darts and Sushi" ,"Lacrosse and Quiche" ,"Cricket and Calamari",and"Bingo and Seaweed" . Therewas no doubt that this dimen-sion was one which leakedinto his . The question was howoften did these leaks occur andwere they intentional? If theywere intentional, then tha tmeant there was away for theboy to get home .

More importantly though,from what he' d seen so far ofthis dimension, leaks from i tcould only be dangerous to hi swor'id .lire insane asylumswere full as it was . The boyknew this, because he hadtried to get in one and the ywouldn't let him, which wastoo bad because he wouldnever have had to worry abou tgoing to school until he wasfifty just to get a job . He'dhave been set up with freeroom and board for life. Andthe shock therapy — that's anextra bonus. Then it hit himlike an out-of-control truck ful lof imported ostrich eggscareening down a stee pembankment — the full insaneasylums were another piece o fevidence of the leakage fro mthis dimension. Even if theleak wasn't intentional, it wasfrequent, and had to bestopped. . .

Submissions should be addressed to :

Dr. Maria Klawe, ChairTask Force on Appropriate Use of Information Technology

Computer Science DepartmentCSCI 33 3

Campus Mail Zone 2

or e-mail to : TFsubmissions@unixg.ubc .c a

Submissions must be received by Saturday, October 31, 1992

Vol6No4

19 Oct '92 The Four Thirty—Two

7

M 1u d a n e d u m p s t e r

Sales Slips

Michael Chow

Quite a few things havebeen happening with SU SSales . As of the writing ofthis article, the position ofSales Bookkeeper may soo nbe filled . We are still lookingfor someone to fill the posi-tion of Special OrdersCoordinator, so if you kno wanybody who may be interest-ed, we can arrange a meetingto outline the details of th eposition . The deadline forIntramural uniforms is loom-ing, so I've been busy rushingtheir uniforms to them. Itusually takes about a week t odeliver the goods, plus we'vegot the best prices around .

We are always looking fo rcool Science designs to plac eon our clothing, so if youhave a design in mind, fee lfree to submit as many as youlike . You may see studentswearing your designs aroundcampus !

• The big news is that we areplanning on changing thelook of our Science leather-melton jackets. We woulddefinitely appreciate youropinions, whether you'reinterested in ordering ajacket or not . Why changethe design? Because thenature of Science is change ,from the discovery of ne wchemicals and experimentaltechniques, to theonslaught of increasingl ypowerful computers . Wehave until the last week ofOctober to decide on th enew style, which is thedeadline for jacket orders,so please place your orde rfor a new Science jacket byOctober 26 .

• Is your team or club look-ing for clothing or uni-forms? We deal directlywith the manufacturers and

wholesalers to get you thebest prices around. Mostorders require one week.Cornpare our prices : 1dozen, 100% cotton Fruit ofthe Loom standard-weight :T-shirts, with a full-front 2 -colour logo, and 2-digit 8inch numbers, all for onl y$13 .50 each (all taxesincluded! )

• We are selling the ne wEntertainment '93 Coupo nBooks . Unlike previousyears, these books are validnow! That 's right, th esooner you buy one, th esooner you start saving . Thebooks are packed with half-price coupons for restau-rants, theatres, sports,attractions, and much more .The Entertainment bookalso offers 50% off on man yhotels throughout the worl d(in fact, the book pays foritself if you take advantageof this offer) . All this foronly $42 .80 .

• We also sell the new Gold .C Savings Spree couponbooks: $12. Use thecoupons to save on rner-chandise, recreation, movi erentals, and fast food..

• Is your paper supply run-ning low? Our Annua lPaper Sale is still on! W esell 200 sheets of looseleaffor only $0.75 . That's halfthe price you'll get at th eBookstore, plus all proceed swill I e donated to charity .

• Look for our pre-Christma ssale on the week ofNovember 16, 1992 . Pickup some great gifts at. unbe-lievable prices . Throw on awarm pair of sweats thi swinter !

Feel free to drop by andcheck out our UBC Scienceclothing display, and inquireabout our special packagedeals, which offer incrediblesavings . We are in th eChemistry building, room160 .

McNighties

Carmen McKnigh t

Ahh, another busy twoweeks full of exciting event slike elections, Thanksgiving ,midterm exams and bzzr gar-dens .

Elections were held onOctober 7, 8, and 9 . LicaChui, the so-called PhU Straitor, did an excellent job a sElections Commissioner . Asa result of her efforts we havesome new council members(see this page for details) . Atthe SUS council meeting ofThursday, October 15 every-one signed up for one of thre ecommittees : Budget, ScienceWeek and Social Committee .Non-council members are alsowelcome to sign up .

The Science WeekCommittee met last Tuesdayat 1 :30 pm . Sarah Thornton ,Science Week Coordinator, i sdoing a fine job this yearorganizing the week . Lots offun, exciting events are in theplanning stages alreadyincluding a Logo contest ,"Beyond the BSc ." and a play ,along with all of the usua levents like : the CompSci CarRally, Gyotaku, the Microb iHome Brew Contest, thePhyssoc Paper AirplaneContest, the BPP Trike Race ,and the Chem Magic Show.

We're still looking for acouple of people to fill som epositions : Food Driv eCoordinator and Blood DriveCoordinator. These are bothshort appointments . TheSUS Food Drive takes plac eduring the month ofNovember. The Blood Driveis during Science Week (thirdweek in January) . We will b eappointing people to thesepositions this Thursday . Ifyou're interested let us knowin the SUS office (Chem

160) or phone us at 822-4235 .

Upcoming "sloshal" eventsinclude the Sports Bzz rGarden on Friday, October 2 3in BIOL 2449 and the Jo nCampbell-Di nklehe imer-Smith Semi-Memorial Danceon November 6 in SU BBallroom . SUS will be semi -remembering Jon, our depart-ed (in a different sense )Sports Director, in true Jonfashion (ie . lots of cheapbzzr) .

The 1992 United Wa yCampaign is under way. GlenDavid, the charity coordina-tor, will be distributing but -tons on October 2.3 . Thereare prizes for the people whosell the most buttons (I thin kthey said a trip for 2 toHawaii) . Prizes are also avail -able to the constituency tha tsells the most buttons .Support your Faculty and theUnited Way Campaign, buy abutton. Or, if you are good a tsales, why not sell some your -self? Buttons will be availabl eat the Bzzr Garden on Friday .

Oh yeah . . . It almost hap-pened again . An SUSExecutive was almost draggedstruggling out of CouncilChambers by Internal Affairsto be duct-taped to a benchin front of Main Library .Fortunately for him he had atutorial to attend and th emotion failed .

(ed: Actually, we felt sorry forhim, and supposed that duct-tap-ing him to a bench might causeirreperable scarring of his psyche .The motion? A mere formality ,really . . . He did have a tutorial ,though . A bit ironic, consideringthat one of the charges wasexcessive studying .)

PRES SRELEAS E

On October 26", 1992

there will be a pollingbooth in the SUB ArtGallery at which Point

Grey residents can vote .Residents of Point Grey,which include students liv-ing on campus and on the

University Endowmen tLands, will be required tovote `Yes' or `No' on th econstitutional question .

The constitutional ques-

tion is as follows :"Do you agree that the

Constitution of Canada

should be renewed on th ebasis of the agreement reached

on August 28, 1992? "

The deadline for al l

Canadians to get thei rname on the Voter's List isOctober 19, 1992 . IF YOUARE NOT REGISTERED ,YOU CANNOT VOTE .

For those interested, the

AMS has copies of th eConsensus Report on th eConstitution (Final Text) .

Please come to SUB 23 8for a copy (quantities arelimited) .

Information:Carole Forsythe 822-309 2

Marya McVicar 822-205 0

To register for your $60Federal Referendum TaxCredit :Greg Wickens 224-661 7

Love your sweet innocen tdoe-eyed dictator, Carmen .

Ballot Boxers

Lica Chui

What is wrong with all ofyou !?! Don't any of you careabout what happens outside ofthe academic slant of life a tUBC? Really . After thre edays of having voting station snearly everywhere, SUS hasagain succeeded in wastin gyour fees on elections pol lclerks .

Don't get me wrongthough, I'm not bitter. I haveonly words of praise an dadmiration for thoseintelligent and wonderful 102First Years and 56 SecondYears that came out to vote .You are all VERY VERYSPECIAL! For all the onesthat didn't vote ; next time ,VOTE (even if only to ge tsome marks on your AM Scards . . . yes, you get MARKSif you vote) .

Well, enough of my tirade ,the "winners" of the

elections, who will bemanaging your studentuniversity affairs for the 92/9 3year are :

First YearTerence Fan & JasonHolme s

Second YearKeith Banergee, Matthe wBrear & Morie Che n

Third YearTricia Choice, StephenColeman & Glen Davi d

Fourth YearCarl. Foo, Ed Ronyecz &Nick ), Sample

Biochemistr yGraeme Kennedy

Biolog yDelwin Yung

ChemistryColin Duong

Computer ScienceAnthon Pang

General ScienceTim Lam

Geograph yPolly Stokes

GeologyJulie Ge e

Qeophys & Astr .Pauline Barmb y

MicrobiologyEmel Akkurt

OceanographySarah Thornton

PharmacologyJames Chi n

Physics -Kevin Dougla sPhysiology

Patrick KerridgePsychology

Laurie Ye e

Any questions or com-plaints about school, you'r ewelcome to see the above rep-resentatives and receive theirenlightened help. After all ,you Science students electe dthem .

Nope, don' t understandit . . .out of 2400 students, only158 vote . . . makes you justwant to hide out in Pharmacy . . .

_

AMS Briefs

Janice Boyle

Blah blah blah blah blah blahblah committee appointment .Blah blah blah blah blah blahblah five more committeeappointments. Blah blah rub-ber stamp. Blah blah blahblah blah blah approved th ereferendum questions . Thereferendum questions dis -

cussed were 1) a new fee levyof $4 to establish an indepen-dent Ombudsoffice, 2) a feeincrease of $1 for the WUSCfund, 3) a $3 fee increase fo rAMS Programs, and 4) a new$7 fee, to be paid only onceby those registered in firs tyear .Blah blah appointed YuriFulmer the newOmbudsperson . The nex tAMS meeting is on October21 at 6 :30pm.

Hallowe'enGeo-Pit

(Geography's Bzzr Garden)

Friday, October 30Geography Lounge

8

The Four Thirty—Two Vol 6 No 4

19 Oct '92

Ross Perot

Last of the Jedi ?

PEN PAL WANTED :Expansionist, God- fearing, car-bon-based civilization seeks cor-respondence, exchange of tech-nologies, meaning of life, etc .with advanced extraterrestria lrace . Proficiency in radio fre-quencies of 1 Hz - 10 GHz anasset . Send message & photo toPlanet Earth, Orion Ann, MilkyWay Galaxy, V6T IK2 . Noinvasions, please .

Oh, by the way, in caseyou're wondering what thatwas all about . . . you may nothave heard that last Saturday,NASA began history's mos tintensive search for lifebeyond the surly bonds ofEarth . The SETI (Search forExtraterrestrial Intelligence )project, a $100-millio nendeavour that could contin-ue well beyond the ten yearsalready scheduled, wil lattempt to prove the exis-tence of alien civilizations, ifnot make contact with them.

In short, a waste of time,

money and minds of biblicalproportions . Why ?

Because they're already here .

No, I haven't been sniffingether in the lab again . I'mserious . They've been here forages. Numbers don't lie .

Allow me to explain . . .according to a TulaneUniversity mathematician, i twould take 30 million yearsfor an advanced society, start-ing from any point in thegalaxy, to completely colonizeit. Hence, he concludes ,because Earthlings have neverheard from any aliens, theymust not exist . This logic ,however, leaves itself wideopen to three other possibili-ties :

1) They've been and we justdon't know it. Just becausethere are no recorded encoun-ters with alien life (lonelyMidwest farmers excepted, ofcourse) doesn't mean thatthey've never been by. Maybethey dropped in at a timewhen the most intelligent life-form on Earth ended up stuc kto the bottom of their space-boots:

"Well, Xarqon, I don ' t knowwhy we're here, stuck onDeveloping Planet detail . . ."

"Oh, izzatso? Does somethingabout the Fleet Admiral's daugh-ter and the back seat of his astro-cruiser sound familiar? "

"Yeah, baba . Anyway, it' s5 :00, there's nothing here, andI 've got some sorta muck on myNikes . Let 's go get a brewski . "

Another equally credibl escenario is that they stoppedby more recently, took a quic klook around, and weren't tick-led pink by what they saw :

"Jeeezus, look at this! They'r eoverpopulated, uneducated, the ystill burn and waste everything insight, and they want to irradiateeach other to smithereens! Let' sget outta here, in case whateverthey've got is catching! By theway, what have you found out? "

"Gulp . . . I just watched some-thing called Aliens . No suddenmoves, now. . . Just put 'er inreverse, and back away reeeeea lslow . . . "

And who knows? Maybe afew of 'em decided to scarethe hell out of those lonel yMidwest farmers just for kicks . .

2) They're here now and wejust don ' t know it. This is myfavorite theory, largel ybecause it makes the mostsense . You see, the best wayto control a system is to

become part of it and influ-ence it from within . So, if afew of these clever spaceme nwere hanging about, they'djust blend in with everyon eelse, making sure we werebehaving like good little apesand not pointing enormousnuclear devices at the sun orany such nonsense .

There's even one or twofolks around that fit thedescription of an alien in dis-guise, wishing to steer Earthsociety . For example :

a) take Yoda .b) sand off his ears just enough

to get rid of the pointy bits .c) give him white skin, a sui t

and a Texas accent.There you have it . It' s Ross

Perot.Oddly enough, I wouldn' t

be surprised if he was payingfor SETI himself. Why not ?He can afford it, and a hun-dred million smackers wouldmake one helluva tax writeoff .Plus, not only would monitor-ing interstellar transmission sdivert humans' attention fromsearching for him and otherson Earth, but it would alsomake a great way to pick upsome movies and sports oncable from the home planet .(And you thought HBO was

expensive . . . )

3) We're them . Now, just for-get all your Darwinian knowl-edge for a spell, and entertai nthis: they ditched us here .The human race is descende dnot from Koko the Gorilla ,but from a bunch of guys thatthey simply wanted to get ridof. Maybe our ancestors wereinterstellar criminals that wereexiled (that would explai nwhere the Brits got the ideafor Australia), or maybe the ywere freaks — unwantedgenetic nightmares that thei rsociety was better off without .Anyhoo, for whatever reason ,they dump us here, light us afire and say adios. Naturally ,we'd never hear from the magain, until of course w esailed back and beat them atrugby like the Aussies did .Which brings us to the fina lquestion: what if this over -priced boom mike they cal lSETI actually picks up some-thing conclusive? The reli-gious implications alone bog-gle the mind . They say thatanything detected will bereleased publicly . . .. . .and it can be yours for only$285,000 a month, courtesy ofPerot Cable! Have a nice day .

DON'T PANIC !AMS WORD PROCESS ::.-

will do it for you !• on campus• lowest professional rate in the lower mainland• familiar with ARA/MLA and thesis requirements

Room 60, Student Union Building • 822-5640Mon-Thu: gam - 6pm Friday: 9am - 5pm

Extended hours in effect during peak period s

The Jon Campbell-Dinkleheimer-Smith

Semi-Memorial Dance

Friday, November 6SUB Ballroom

Free tix available at SUSA Buck a bzzr... 'cuz Jon woulda

wanted it that way.