Today was the day our baby body was due to be born. He became our beautiful angel on May 9, 2012 instead. Mommy and daddy love you Hayden. You were born to fly. Here is our journey...Oh my god! Its positive! Holy crap its actually positive! Im pregnant! I cant believe Im pregnant! It was early morning on January 7, 2012. I had a feeling that I may be pregnant but had taken three tests already that week which came back negative. But finally, it says Im pregnant! I was alone in the bathroom where I danced, cheered and even fist pumped in the air. I was so excited to tell Ryan, tell my family, tell my friends. I was finally going to be a mommy. Something I had longed for since I was a young girl. I quickly showered and got ready to tell Ryan he was going to be a daddy. I think the best word to describe Ryans reaction was shock. Pure shock. We had only decided to start trying in December and it happened. After the shock wore off, he was pretty excited to be a dad. Talked about playing catch in the backyard, watching football games and just holding that little person we created. After much discussion, we decided on a midwife instead of an OB. I really liked everything that the midwives believed in and wanted a very natural and calming birth. I tried so hard to be healthy, eat clean, work out and be 100 percent drug free. No Tylenol, Advil, nothing. So I wanted to be drug free in the delivery room as well. We met with our midwife and I instantly knew we made the right choice. Bubbly, positive, energetic. I immediately felt calm and safe with her.But the pregnancy was nothing like I had imagined it to be. I was so sick every night; in bed by 6 or 7pm and the headaches. Holy crap the headaches were something I have never experienced. They would come on the second my alarm would go off and last until I closed my eyes for bed. Working in a kindergarten room with 26 students was a bit challenging some days. I thought for sure I was carrying twins, because there was no way one baby was making me feel this sick. But at 8 weeks, 5 days, I had my first ultrasound. (To rule out multiples.) And thats when we saw our beautiful baby for the first time. He was a tiny little bean and we could see his little heart beating on the monitor. This is when it really started to feel real. I am growing a beautiful baby in my belly. I will meet this person in the next 7 months. I really am going to be a mommy.

The pregnancy continued to be challenging. I went from broccoli and hummus to Doritos and chocolate covered almonds. I couldnt believe how much my body was changing. My hormones were out of control (Ryan can tell you about that;) and I wasnt enjoying being pregnant as much as I thought I would be. I felt so guilty and sad that it wasnt like I had pictured and sometimes wondered if I would only have one child. But when my belly started to grow, words cant begin to explain how much love I felt for this tiny little person. I would read weekly updates on the development and at every milestone I would call Ryan and my mom and let them know. Even things like, Mom! My baby is the size of a lime now! I was over the moon. I had a fetal Doppler as well. I listened to the heart beat every night. I would rub my belly and talk to this little person and let them know how much mommy loved and wanted him. The flutters began early. I wasnt sure if it was the baby or just my belly, but once I started getting kicked, no words could ever describe the way I felt. It just kept becoming more and more real. I was having a baby. We were having a family. I could not wait for September 17, 2012 to come.

But something didnt feel right. I know that I am a first time mom, first time pregnancy and all, but something wasnt right. I didnt put in my maternity leave at work, didnt post anything on Facebook and kept a low profile for a long time. I would tell Ryan that something didnt feel right, but the midwives and doctors said I was fine. So in April I said forget it and saw my doctor and midwives four times in total. Every week I was at one of the offices telling them something wasnt right and every week I was told that I was fine. So I guess I was. This is how I was pregnant.Then on April 27, 2012 my entire life would be changed forever.We had our ultrasound appointment. We would actually see our little baby. See the body, the movements, the hands and feet. We were going to see our baby. (The first ultrasound the baby literally looked like a bean, so this was super exciting!) And there he was. We decided early on that we didnt want to know the sex of the baby. We wanted that to be a surprise. So I asked the tech not to tell me and away she went. I knew. I could tell. Something was wrong. I kept asking her if everything was alright. If my baby was as perfect as I had pictured. She told me she wasnt allowed to say and that I would have to wait until my midwives appointment. She kept flicking her glasses with her left hand. She would move the probe around my belly, furiously type and then flick her glasses. It was over an hour. I read that this one would be a longer appointment, but this was long. And it felt awkward. So they finally let Ryan in and we just stared. I cried as I watched my beautiful baby kick and move. He was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. His perfect hands and feet, his little fingers and toes. His tummy and his head and his back and his little bum. He was perfect. He was my perfect little baby.

An hour later I received the phone call. Joanna, its Angela from the Midwives of Grey Bruce County. Are you at home? Are you driving? Are you alone? My head was spinning. Why was she calling? Why did she want to know if I was home, driving and alone? I was with Ryan. We were in the truck. We were picking out flooring for our new house that we bought to bring our little bundle home to. Its about your ultrasound. My heart stopped. I felt like I was dreaming. It appears that your babys head is larger than it should be. Oh my god. What does that mean? Is the baby ok? Is it Down syndrome? I know some amazing mothers who have babies with special needs and I know I can do this. It will be hard, but Im not scared. I. Can. Do. This. We need you to go to London. There you will have to wait until you get the phone call from the Childrens Hospital. You will need another ultrasound to confirm whether or not its hydrocephalus. Hydro what? Ive never even heard of this. I cant breathe. I cant move. What does this mean? She then told us that this kind of case was out of her spectrum and not to go on the internet to research. She didnt want us to scare ourselves. What I do know is that my baby may be sick, really sick. That there was water on his tiny brain. The beautiful brain I was looking at only an hour before. This is when our nightmare began.After a sleepless night and a lot of tears, Ryan and I pulled it together to meet our nephew who was born just 3 days earlier. We didnt want Ali and Forrest to know too much since they just welcomed their first child and didnt want to scare them. Walking into the hospital was harder than words can say. Seeing our beautiful nephew in the hospital a mere 3 days old was exciting and yet heart breaking. Would we be here in the next 4 months? Would this be us too? But he was perfect. And I instantly fell in love. I had no idea at this point how much this little man would help me heal. Then we waited. We waited and we waited for the phone call that would change our lives yet again. We stayed at my moms house in London and were on pins and needles. The phone call came on Monday. We were to be at the hospital first thing Tuesday morning. I was the first patient to be seen at 9am. Ok...we can do this. They are just going to say that our babys head is big and his brain is perfectly fine. I can do this. There is no way anything would happen to my baby. Ive wanted this for longer than I can remember. I can do this.I sat. I sat so scared. I sat surrounded by loved ones until someone came out and called, Joanna. Joanna Domm. I walked into the ultrasound room. I was with a tech and a doctor. No one would tell me anything. The ultrasound was relatively quick from what I remember. They told me I had to wait for the radiologist to review the images. I asked if Ryan could come in with me and of course they allowed it. There we were. Mommy and daddy. Looking at this beautiful baby. Wondering whether or not he was going to be ok. Finally the radiologist entered the room. I dont remember exactly what he said. I do remember, hydrocephalus and that its bad. Very bad. Ryan and I had no idea how many times we were coming to hear, its really bad in those next couple of hours. We walked out and there our loved ones sat. Wondering the fate of our unborn baby. And I just cried. I cried and cried. All I could say was that it was bad. Thats all I knew. So Ryan and I then went to meet with a resident doctor and a Fetal Development Specialist. Again, the doctors said, Its bad Joanna. Really bad. He then asked us what we wanted to know. Ryan and I answered, Whether or not he will make it. Whether or not I will make it. But most of all, what will the babys quality of life be? He promised to answer our questions, but reminded us before we left that it was bad. He were handed a pager and told to go and eat something. Yeah right. But we all ventured down to get some Tim Hortons.I didnt really know what was happening at that point. I knew that a team of doctors and specialists who were reviewing the images of our baby and determining what was wrong. I knew that in an hour I wound truly find out the severity of the case. But for right now, I know nothing. The people around us were amazing. Ryans parents, my mom and Aunt Nancy and best friend Sara. We all just had to wait. And then it happened. The red lights lit up and the pager vibrated. Here we go. Ryan, Sara and I were brought into the board room. There were 7 people in there. Neonatal neurologist, fetal development specialist, genetic counsellor and genetic doctor, nurses and doctors. We were asked to sit. Your baby has severe Hydrocephalus. I went numb. Completely numb. This can be a genetic condition that happens in males.... Oh my god. I turned to Ryan while the specialist was still talking. Were having a boy. I whispered. Its a boy. Our eyes welled up with tears. We couldnt hold it together any longer. We were having a boy. A boy who was very sick and there was nothing we could do to make him better. Please God, please dont take my baby. Im not a bad person, I want him so badly. He was planned. In a loving marriage with two people who want to hold their son. Please God, dont take my baby. Im not afraid of special needs. We can do this. Just please dont take my baby.The team continued to talk. They all told us that there was no hope for our son. Who tells parents that? What do you mean there is no hope for my baby? Its 2012 and theres nothing you can do to save him? To heal him? His heart was fine. It was perfect. But his brain. His poor little brain. It is the most severe case London Health Science Center has seen to date. There was so much fluid on his brain that he basically didnt have one. His brain was about the thickness of a piece of paper, everything else was damaged. They told us the delivery would be very traumatic. I may not make it through myself and if our son did, he would have to go into his first surgery, of many, at 48 hours old. He would have no mobility, no speech, no sight, little to no hearing, he could not feed himself or toilet himself. He would be a baby boy with a beating heart. They said. Thats it. Nothing in life can prepare you for the moment you hear that your unborn child may not make it. That he is so sick and there is nothing you did or can do to make it better. So we sat. We listened to every point the team made and Sara listened in to help us understand it later on. I feel at that moment I was living a dream, somebody elses life. This couldnt be real. Couldnt be happening to my baby. I wanted him more than anything in the world. I would do anything. Anything to have him and make him healthy. What could I do? How could I help? But I was helpless. There was nothing. I just had to sit and listen to the doctors and specialists tell us our baby was brain dead. So thats it. There was a very low chance of survival. His brain damage has already increased over the weekend and they were worried it would just continue to grow. So we had a choice. The hardest choice I will ever have to make in my entire life. But not know. Not until I allow the next 4 hours to soak in my head. Now it was time to tell our family. I immediately had to go for blood work to rule out an infection causing Hydrocephalus. The genetics team pretty much guaranteed me that it wasnt. They thought it was either a freak accident (or fluke but I hate that word now) or that I carried a gene that could affect 50% of my pregnancies when I carry a boy. What? Me? My fault? How could I? My sister just had a healthy baby boy. My mom and Aunts had healthy babies. How did I do this? But we would have many more tests to do and then wait....wait to find out whether or not our other babies will be affected by this condition. So after the blood work, Sara, Ryan and I brought our families into the board room. Everyone had such worried looks on their faces. We sat around the large, cold table and I began to speak. Were having a boy. His name is Hayden. But Hayden wont make it. Tears. So many tears streaming. Looking around and feeling the sorrow and love in the room. How can I be having this conversation? How can I be telling my loved ones that our son had severe brain damage and that every doctor, specialist, nurse and counsellor said there was no hope? But this was my reality. This is what I had to say. I wish more than anything in this world I could have told everyone that he just had a big head. That his brain was larger but that was because he was going to cure cancer one day. But that wasnt the case. Hayden Domm was going to be an angel. Our beautiful little angel. After explaining Haydens condition and our options, we hugged and cried and hugged some more. There was nothing left to say. It was time to go home and allow the days events to start to sink in. I think I was still in shock at this point because today it feels like such a blur. Ryan and I went back to my moms house. I dont remember the night at all which I am sure is a good thing. I do remember that we had to go back to the hospital the next day or day after and I had to have more invasive tests done to collect Haydens DNA as well as my own to send away for further testing. That day would be the last day we would ever see our beautiful baby boy again. It was my last ultrasound. I cried a cry I hope no mother ever has to cry. We asked the ultrasound tech to just stay still and hold the probe over my tummy so we could watch him move for the last time. Ryan and I held each others hands and cried. They gave us pages of pictures to go home with of every part of his little body. We have pictures of his foot and hand, spine and tummy, his head and bum. He is perfect. My beautiful baby boy Hayden. My sweet angel.No parent should ever have to plan their babys birth and funeral. It was something I never in a million years imagined myself doing. What were we going to do? There were so many questions and concerns. Where would he go? What about his funeral arrangements? I was in a blur. A terrible nightmare that still to this day I want to end. May 8, 2012It was the day before I was going into the hospital. I didnt want to go. I would have done anything to not have needed to make this decision and go. But I knew that I wanted my sweet baby to be happy and healthy and not live a life of pain. So I had to release him. I had to let him fly. I cried pretty much all day. I rubbed my belly and sang to my sweet baby.I didnt want the day to end. I didnt want tomorrow to come. I wanted my baby so badly. I wanted him more then he will ever know. I wanted to be alone before I went to bed. I sat on a rocking chair and opened the book, Love You Forever by Robert Munsch. I read the story to my sweet baby as I rubbed my tummy. I couldnt hold back and my tears streamed down my face. How was this happening? How could He do this to me, to us? I wanted him more than anything in this entire world. Why me? Why us? Why my baby? This one word would haunt me every day. Why???That night Hayden kicked Ryan three times as hard as he could. I feel like he really wanted Ryan to know that he was there and that he loved him too. I felt him for a while, but days before having him, he was really showing off. He allowed Nana (my mom) the blessing of feeling him kick too and I am so grateful for that. I love you sweet baby. I love you so very much.May 9, 2012I cant do this. I cant go to that hospital and have my baby knowing that he wasnt going to live. How can I walk in this place? But I knew this is what I had to do. I had to release my suffering baby into a place where he would no longer feel pain. So I put one foot in front of the other and made my way inside. I remember sitting in a room with a lot of people. Waiting to go into surgery. I remember laying in the bed and rubbing my belly and talking to him as much as I could. My mom had bought us a mold for his feet and he had paper to have his hands and feet printed. I prepared all of the things I wanted the doctor to make sure I had and then it was time. I cant do this. I cant go. Ryan, dont let them take me in. I cried and cried. I told the doctor I didnt want to do this and he said, Sorry kid, as he brought me into a very cold room. I cant believe this is happening. I want my baby. I want to hold Hayden in my arms. Rock him to sleep, sing him lullabies. I want to watch his first steps and see him off to school. I want to be at his wedding and welcome his first child. How was this all taken away from me? Somebody wake me up and tell me Im dreaming. When I awoke, I was totally out of it. I thought it was a terrible dream. An awful nightmare. I remember a nurse by my bed. She was running around giving me pills, telling me to drink water...so this wasnt a dream? I instantly reached down to touch my belly. Hes gone.I cannot stop the tears as I relive this moment. Hayden was gone. He had become my beautiful angel. I stopped the nurse as she hurried around me. I grabbed her hand and whispered, Can you just hold my hand? Please just hold my hand. There, in that moment, two mothers held each others hands as they grieved the loss of a baby. She looked down at me with tears in her eyes. I wanted him so badly. I dont how long we held hands, but after that moment, she never left my side. When in the recovery room, I saw Haydens foot and handprints for the first time. They were so small, so tiny. But for his gestation, so big. Seeing the prints made it all the more real. He was here and gone too quickly. But I am a mommy and he is my son. No one can take that away from us.

The rest of the day was kind of a blur. I was on medication and slept a lot. They had taken Hayden to University Hospital for further tests and Ryan and I decided to have him cremated and bring him home with us where he belongs. His service was planned for that Saturday and lead by a Spiritual Minister. I did not want to hear anything about God. At that point I felt like I had been punished. Why would God take a baby from someone who wanted him so badly? So the plans were made and his funeral was set. Mom and I had to pick Hayden up on the Friday before the funeral. I didnt know what to expect and had already gone there to make the arrangements and give them Haydens beautiful angel wing urn. So we pulled into the parking lot and went in. A skinny, zombie-like girl walked towards us. I told her my name and why I was there. Two minutes later she emerged with a box. A box that contained my sons ashes. She handed it to me and asked me to sign some papers. And. That. Was It. I looked at mom and had no idea what to think or do. So I took my son and we left. As soon as I sat in her car, I began to cry. A cry that I never want to cry again. How was my son sitting on my lap in a box? Why wasnt he is my arms as a baby? Mom reached over and grabbed my hand. I cried and cried and cried. It was a sob that she later told me she has never heard from me, nor never wants to hear again. This was the absolute hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. Here it was. So raw and so real. My son was gone.May 12, 2012Today was Haydens service. It was a beautiful day. We were in Springbank Park in a garden dedicated to Bereaved Families. It was perfect. Our families were there. The sun was lightly streaming through the trees and there was a soft breeze. I knew he was there. I knew he was with his mommy. I dont remember much of the service, but I remember crying. We brought pictures (I had called a friend and asked her to take maternity pictures 2 days before Hayden was born) a baby blanket and Hayden. The service wasnt very long, but it was perfect. So this was it. This was my sons funeral. I only had him 3 days before and here we were. Saying our goodbyes with our loved ones. No parent should ever have to say goodbye to their child. No matter what stage in life. I felt him move, I heard his heart and I watched my tummy grow. But I had to let go. I had to let my baby fly.Ryan and I never went into this wanting an angel. We wanted our baby boy. But as Ive learned, things dont always work out as planned. The next few months were extremely difficult. I was allotted a 15 week maternity leave so my new job was getting out of bed. Getting out of bed and brushing my teeth were an accomplishment. My mom would call or text daily to make sure I was okay. Ryan and I had purchased a new home for our family so he was busy working on that. I felt so alone. Sometimes I would swear that I could still feel him kick me, but knew it was all in my head. I experienced everything a new mom goes through. The physical pain was really difficult and that was on top of the mental and emotional pain. But somehow I got through. I got up every morning and tried to accomplish one thing every day, even if it was washing my hair. But I did it. I made it through.TodayI know I'll never truly understand why my sweet baby was born to be an angel, but every day I get the strength to keep going. I will never forget, I will never 'move on' but Hayden wants his mommy to live life and embrace every moment. I will always love my sweet angel. So here I am today. The day of his original due date. September 17, 2012. It wasnt easy getting here thats for sure. I struggled a lot with the question Why me? and know that I will never truly know that answer. We got word that I DO NOT carry the gene that could cause Hydro in future pregnancies and that was truly a relief. It was hard at first hearing about women getting pregnant and having babies, but I feel excited and happy about that now. My beautiful nephew Hunter has truly helped in my healing process as well. He is an amazing part of my life and Ryan and I were just given the honour to be his Godparents. I know that we will be blessed again one day with a baby and cannot wait to hold a child in my arms. Hayden will never, ever be forgotten. He is my first child. My first son and I love him more than anything in this world. I wanted to share our journey and our story because I want people to know about my beautiful baby boy. He is such a big part in my life and I want his life to be remembered. I have learned that I have an incredible support system. My family and friends have helped me through this time more then I can ever say. Thank you for all of your love and support. Ryan, Hayden and I love you so much.

Fly my sweet angel. Fly.....