©2007 Relationship Coaching Ins

Rela

What You Need

Have Su

With David Steele

Pre

The Minn

Study Guide Contents

I. IntroductionII. Five Stages of RelaIII. Readiness CoachinIV. Attraction CoachingV. Pre-commitment CVI. Coaching CommitteVII. Bliss CoachingVIII. Appendix (Benefits

Relationship CoachIX. Invitations

titute

tionship Coaching:

to Know to Help Your Clients

ccessful Relationships

, Founder of Relationship Coaching Institute

pared exclusively for

esota Coaches Association

April 19, 2007

tionship Coachingg

oachingd Couples

of Committed Relationships, Top Relationship Attitudes,ing Guidelines)

©2007 Relationship Coaching Institute

I. Introduction

We are social beings, and all of our clients will have relationship needs and goals. Using

the U.S. as an example, 94% of unmarried adults want a successful life partnership

(recent Gallup poll), 40% of adults are single, and 85% marry at least once (2000

census). Given the high cost of failed relationships around the world, it is vitally

important that all coaches from all cultures have some simple and effective tools for

helping their clients have successful personal relationships.

In this program we will address five common relationship challenges that might be

encountered in coaching, corresponding to the five stages of relationship coaching,

covering the basic tools, concepts and strategies the coach might use to address each

scenario.

II. Five Stages of Relationship Coaching

1. Readiness Coaching addresses the Readiness Questions: "Who am I?"

"What do I want?" and "How do I get what I want?". Coaching activities

may include:

Relationship history

Personality assessment (traits, values, preferences, etc)

Identification of goals and needs

Clarify Vision, Requirements, Needs, and Wants

Develop profile of Life Partner

Develop "Relationship Plan" to manifest/attract Life Partner

2. Attraction Coaching focuses on effective dating skills and activities.

Coaching activities may include:

Where and how to meet potential life partners

Becoming ready for a committed relationship

Effectively meeting people, developing networks, sorting

Staying on track with your Relationship Plan

©2007 Relationship Coaching Institute

3. Pre-Commitment Coaching helps new couples be conscious and

objective about the future of their relationship. Coaching activities may

include:

Become clear about whether this relationship is right for you

Getting a reality check, being accountable to what you want

Developing strategies for testing, decision-making

Addressing emotional and compatibility issues

4. Couples Coaching helps a committed couple to co-create a functional

Life Partnership. Coaching activities may include:

Getting a committed relationship off to a good start

Effective communication and conflict resolution skills

Discovering and overcoming issues and obstacles around

functional needs, such as parenting, domestic responsibilities,

finances, etc.

Identifying and negotiating mutual wants, needs, and goals

5. Bliss Coaching helps a committed couple with a functional relationship

deepen their emotional intimacy, trust, love, and connection. Coaching

activities may include:

Increasing authentic expression of thoughts, feelings, wants, needs

Ownership of emotional reactivity

Increasing mutual support, trust, safety around emotional

vulnerabilities and intimacy

Developing skills, rituals, and practices for deepening emotional,

physical, and spiritual connection and fulfillment

©2007 Relationship Coaching Institute

III. Relationship Challenge #1- Readiness Coaching

Your client recently divorced and hired you to help him/her to move forward with their

new life. They don’t want to be alone but they (or you) are not sure if they are ready for

a relationship.

Related Concepts

Readiness _________________________________________________________

Vision _____________________________________________________________

Purpose____________________________________________________________

Requirements________________________________________________________

Needs ______________________________________________________________

Wants ______________________________________________________________

Suggested Coaching Tool- Relationship Readiness Quiz For Singles

Notes

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

RReellaattiioonnsshhiipp RReeaaddiinneessss QQuuiizz FFoorr SSiinngglleess To assess your readiness for a committed relationship, print this out or use a separate piece of paper, and rate yourself in each of the following ten areas. Try to be objective and honest with yourself. We recommend asking close friends and family members for their opinions as well.

Rating Scale: Rate each item on a scale from 0 to 10 8-10: Good; this area of my life is strong and would be an asset to my next relationship 5-7: OK; this area needs work, but most likely would not sabotage my next relationship 0-4: Needs Work; this area could interfere with the success of my next relationship

1. I know what I want I have a clear vision for my life and relationship. I can envision my perfect life in rich detail that feels strong, very real, and keeps me motivated. 2. I know my requirements I have a written list of at least ten non-negotiable requirements that I use for screening potential partners. I am clear that if any are missing, a relationship will not work for me. 3. I am happy and successful being single I enjoy my life, my work, my family, my friends, and my own company. I am living the life that I want, and I am not seeking a relationship out of desperation and need. 4. I am ready and available for commitment I have no emotional or legal baggage from a previous relationship. My schedule, commitments and lifestyle allow my availability to build a new relationship. 5. I am satisfied with my work/career My work is fulfilling, supports my lifestyle, and does not interfere with my availability for a new relationship. 6. I am healthy in mind, body, and spirit My physical, mental, or emotional health does not interfere with having the life and relationship that I want. I am reasonably happy and feel good. 7. My financial and legal business is handled I have no financial or legal issues that would interfere with having the life and relationship that I want. 8. My family relationships are functional My relationships with my children, ex, siblings, parents, and extended family do not interfere with having the life and relationship that I want. 9. I have effective dating skills I initiate contact with people I want to meet, and disengage from people who are not a match for me. I keep my physical and emotional boundaries, and balance my heart with my head with potential partners. 10. I have effective relationship skills I understand relationships, can maintain closeness and intimacy, communicate authentically and assertively, negotiate difference positively, allow myself to trust and be vulnerable, and can give and receive love without emotional barriers.

Self-Rating Total Score

80-100: Green light ► You are well on your way to the life and relationship you really want. 50-79: Yellow light ► Continue to work on the areas needed and take it slow in relationships while doing so.

0-49: RED LIGHT ► Take a break from seeking a partner, focus on your life and prepare for the relationship that you want.

Ready for the life and relationship that you really want? Ask about our

Relationship Success Training for Singles

2005 Relationship Coaching Institute / All rights reserved / www.RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com

©2007 Relationship Coaching Institute

IV. Relationship Challenge #2- Attraction Coaching

Your client is single and asks you how they can find their life partner.

Related Concepts

Recreational Dating _____________________________________________________

Committed Dating ______________________________________________________

Attraction Venues ______________________________________________________

Scouting ______________________________________________________________

Sorting _______________________________________________________________

Screening _____________________________________________________________

Testing _______________________________________________________________

Dating Traps ___________________________________________________________

Suggested Coaching Tool- Conscious Dating Plan

Notes

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

©2007 Relationship Coaching Institute

V. Relationship Challenge #3- Pre-commitment Coaching

Your client has been dating someone for a few months and asks you, “How do I know if

a relationship is right for me?”

Related Concepts

Issues/Red Flags ______________________________________________________

Solvable Problems _____________________________________________________

Unsolvable Problems ___________________________________________________

Deal Breakers _________________________________________________________

Shared Vision _________________________________________________________

Evolve vs. Push vs. Twist _________________________________________________

Notes

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

©2007 Relationship Coaching Institute

VI. Relationship Challenge #4- Couples Coaching

Your client asks for your coaching in how to resolve conflicts with their partner around

their differences.

Related Concepts

Stages of Relationship-

A. Romantic ______________________________________________________

B. Power Struggle _________________________________________________

C. Conscious _____________________________________________________

Fact vs. Attitude ________________________________________________________

Ownership _____________________________________________________________

“The Wall”_____________________________________________________________

Requesting ____________________________________________________________

Suggested Coaching Tool- The Communication Map

Notes

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

2004 Relationship Coaching Institute / All rights reservedwww.relationshipcoachingnetwork.org

Communication Map

Receiver Sender

1. Experience Issue(It’s all about you!)

2. Hit Wall (or not!)

“Help me to understand… 3. Identify Issue What is Your Issue?” (Talkers vs. Thinkers)

4. Communicate Issue(Get/Give validation/confirmation)

“Do you have a request?” 5. Make Request“What you need from me is…?” (Let go of how/outcome)

Never say “No” 6. Negotiate(counter-propose)

7. Agree

8. Follow Through

TT hh ee WW aa ll ll !!1. Judgment2. Interpretation3. Defensiveness4. Reactive

Emotion

Mirror

Laws / Guidelines

1. Issues are unmet needs

2. All issues are valid

3. Who has the unmetneed owns the issue

4. One issue at a time

5. Take turns being sender–one person speaks ata time

6. Speak w/ moderation

7. Listen w/ curiosity

8. Assume win/win

9. Nurture the space

It’s not about me!Be curiousListen/SupportBe compassionateCoach

between

2004 Relationship Coaching Institute / All rights reservedwww.relationshipcoachingnetwork.org

To listen to 40 minute Communication Map training:

Telephone recording: call 918-222-7201 ext. 344

Use this link for internet audio-http://www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com/audio/communication_map.html

Bonus! Top 5 Communication Tips For CouplesBy David Steele

1. Use The 3 Magic Words of Listening- “Is there more?”For most people, listening is far more challenging than talking. If you donothing else, being attentive to what your partner is saying and using these 3magic words will make you a star listener. Try it!

Are you wondering what the “3 Magic Words Of Speaking” are? Simply … “I love you”. If you are expressing things that may be difficult for your partner tohear, be sure to start and end with these healing words.

2. It’s not about you!When your partner is expressing a thought, feeling, need, issue, or judgment,it comes from their reality, is valid for them, and it is not about you! Mostarguments would never happen if we would simply accept our partner’s point of view and agree to disagree.

3. It’s all about you!Your thoughts, feelings, needs, issues, and judgments are your reality, arevalid for you, have little to do with your partner, and many people (includingyour partner) are unlikely to see things your way. If you take full ownership foryour experience you will be able to create the conditions for connection andharmony in just about any situation with your partner. A fulfilling relationship isabout having, accepting, and negotiating differences, not being “right”, seeking sameness or consensus.

4. Turn complaints into requestsWe bring many, many needs into any relationship and will experience anissue when a need is not met. It is impossible for all needs to be met all thetime in any relationship, so you will have many opportunities to experienceand express issues. Simply making a request and focusing on what you wantto happen, instead of what is wrong or not happening, and negotiatinga “win-win” outcome, will effectively prevent or resolve conflict.

5. Tell your truthThe path to true intimacy and connection is by being authentic and tellingyour full truth to your partner about your thoughts, feelings, needs, wants,issues, boundaries, etc. Intimacy means, “Into me I see”, a transparency between two people that requires full expression of what is inside. Seeking toavoid conflict and maintain harmony by censoring yourself can work forawhile, until your suppressed truth comes out in other ways, such aswithdrawal, resentment, “acting out”, etc. Telling your whole truth can be scary, but will result in the kind of relationship that you really want.

©2007 Relationship Coaching Institute

VII. Relationship Challenge #5- Bliss Coaching

Your client wants to improve physical and emotional intimacy with their partner.

Related Concepts

Commitment __________________________________________________________

Coaching Triad-

A. Attitude _______________________________________________________

B. Skills _________________________________________________________

C. Choices _______________________________________________________

Rituals ________________________________________________________________

Suggested Coaching Tool- Issues and Appreciations Exercise For Couples

Supplements- Benefits of Committed Relationships, Top Ten Relationship Attitudes

(see below)

Notes

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________________

©2007 Relationship Coaching Institute

VIII. Appendix

Benefits of Committed Relationships

1. REGULAR, SAFE, GOOD SEX: Committed, monogamous partners have

more, and better sex than singles and non-committed partners.

2. COMPANIONSHIP: We are social beings and are comforted by

closeness. Married people are healthier, happier, and live longer than

singles.

3. INTIMACY: Emotional closeness, love, trust, mutual support, builds and

improves over time in a committed relationship, and is much more difficult

to achieve in quality and quantity outside of a committed relationship.

4. FAMILY: Both children and adults thrive in an environment of stable, long-

term, multi-generational relationships.

5. ECONOMICS: Committed couples are financially more successful than

singles and non-committed partners.

6. COMMUNITY: Extended family, neighbors, churches, and other forms of

networks of supportive relationships thrive on the stability of committed

relationships.

7. MENTAL/EMOTIONAL/PHYSICAL HEALTH: Married adults live longer

and have fewer mental/emotional problems.

©2007 Relationship Coaching Institute

Top 10 Relationship Attitudes

1. I will be happy by having goals and letting go of attachment to outcomes

2. I strive to live and “be” in the present

3. I love, accept, and trust myself

4. I focus on connecting, not results; a partner is someone to love, not an object orgoal

5. I strive to be authentic; being fully honest with myself and others, aligning mywords, values and actions

6. I strive to live my life with intentionality; making choices conscious of my goalsand consequences

7. I strive to take the necessary risks, overcome my fears, and stretch my comfortlevel to reach my goals

8. I assume abundance; all the opportunities and resources that I need will appear

9. I take responsibility for my outcomes by taking initiative in my life andrelationships

10.What others judge about me is about them; I strive to let go of what others thinkand not take it personally

©2007 Relationship Coaching Institute

Top 10 Guidelines of Relationship Coaching

1. Relationship Coaching is not consulting or therapy

Coaching empowers by assuming our clients are the expert, fully capable of

achieving their goals, and focuses on supporting them into action. Consulting

typically provides advice and solutions, while therapy typically focuses on

insight and emotional issues. Because these approaches are so different, the

coach should be clear about these distinctions, educate clients about them, and

make conscious choices about the nature of the coaching relationship that are in

the best interests of our clients.

2. A Relationship Coach helps the client focus on the bigger picture

Relationship coaching is not effective when isolating our clients’ relationship

goals from the rest of their life, such as work, family, friends, wellness,

spirituality, etc.

3. A Relationship Coach shares knowledge, experience, and information

without attachment

Sharing expertise with our clients as a coach is very different from

any other helping relationship. It is necessary to address our clients’

relationship skills and knowledge deficits, however we do so in a way

that supports them to discover and own their truth.

4. A Relationship Coach assumes a relationship is part of the journey, not

the destination

We support our clients to focus on meaning, connection, and long-term

goals, in addition to helping them find a partner or improve their existing

relationships.

©2007 Relationship Coaching Institute

5. A Relationship Coach assumes that the most important relationship is

the one you have with yourself

Our relationships are our mirrors. The Law Of Attraction dictates that

what is inside shows up on the outside. We help our clients take

responsibility for their relationship outcomes and be the partner they

want to have.

6. A Relationship Coach does not judge a relationship as right or wrong,

good or bad

As stated above, we assume our clients are the expert and honor their

truth and agenda. While we have judgments, we do not impose them on our

clients. We lead our clients through a process of discovery in which they

are empowered to make the relationship choices that are right for them.

7. A Relationship Coach does not seek to get personal needs met with

clients or prospective clients

An ethical coach values being of service above all else, holds the

coaching relationship sacred, and does not allow a personal agenda to

interfere with doing so.

8. A Relationship Coach addresses their clients’ sabotaging attitudes and

choices without making them wrong

We skillfully help our clients become aware of the connection between

their attitudes (beliefs, interpretations, etc), choices and consequences,

and support them to make their own judgments and decisions about them in

light of their Vision, Purpose, Requirements, Needs, and Goals.

9. A Relationship Coach is neutral about the outcome for pre-committed

relationships, and an advocate for committed relationships

We value using the opportunity while single to make conscious long-term

relationship choices, and believe in the power and necessity of commitment

to make those choices work and be fulfilling.

©2007 Relationship Coaching Insti

10. A Relationship Coach “walks the talk” by continually addressing his or

her own personal and relationship development, challenges, and goals

We know that we can only help our clients along paths that we have

traveled ourselves, and no further, so we must continually strive to

be conscious and intentional in our lives and relationships. This

includes furthering our own learning and development by working with

a coach or mentor, on-going training, and other means.

Intro

All classes meet for one hour, th

To register, plea

y

David Steele, MA, LMFT, CLC, is founder and CEO of

Relationship Coaching Institute, the first and largest

relationship coach training organization celebrating it’s tenth

anniversary this year. A prolific author, mentor, and

entreprenuer, he is the author of Conscious Dating: Finding the

Love of Your Life in Today's World and founder of

BuildingYourIdealPractice.com

Free Training Offered byRelationship Coaching Institute

duction to Relationship Coaching

A three teleclass series featuring:

Class #1: How To Coach SinglesIdentifying the challenges faced by today's singles and the toolsand concepts needed to help the singles in your practice.

Class #2: How To Coach CouplesIncluding the benefits of committed relationships, the differencebetween relationship coaching and couples therapy, coachingcommitted vs. pre-committed couples, and how to help couplesmanage their unsolvable problems.

Class #3: How To Have A Successful Relationship Coaching PracticeWhether you wish to add this niche to your existing practice, or

tute

ree consecutive Tuesdays, 9am pacific/Noon eastern

se visit www.RCIfreetraining.com

our goal is to specialize and become a Relationship Coach.

©2007 Relationship Coaching Institute

IX. Invitations

Relationship Coaching

Subscribe to our e-newsletter- www.RelationshipsRock.com

Register for our free introductory training- www.rcifreetraining.com

Join RCI! Training, marketing and practice-building support- www.joinrci.com

Practice Building

Free membership in our practice-building network!

Live monthly tele-seminars Monthly“Getting Clients”e-newsletter “Secrets of a Successful Practice”audio and e-program All FREE when you register at www.BuidingYourIdealPractice.com

“Top 7 FREE Ways to Get Clients”e-program www.privatepracticemarketingonabudget.com

“How to Fill Your Practice Using an Audio CD”www.PrivatePracticeMagic.com

For Singles

Free Conscious Dating e-programs, audio programs, & more www.consciousdating.org

Free live monthly Conscious Dating tele-seminars- www.consciousdatingseminars.com

Free live monthly Conscious Dating Tele-clinic- www.consciousdatingteleclinic.com

Monthly Conscious Dating e-newsletter- www.joinconsciousdating.com

New ground-breaking book for singles- Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life

in Today’s World www.consciousdatingbook.com

For Couples

Free e-programs, audio programs, & more at www.ConsciousMating.com

Free live monthly Conscious Mating tele-seminars www.consciousmatingseminars.com

Free live monthly Conscious Relationship Tele-seminar Series featuring top relationship

experts- www.consciousrelationshipseminars.com

Monthly“Partners in Life”e-newsletter for couples- www.RelationshipsRock.com