8/7/2019 Reframing in EFT - My mother didn't love me
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An uncontrollably sobbing client--"my mother didn't love me"
Hi Everyone,
Sometimes a client will exhibit major emotional pain (tears,
anger, anguish and the like) at themere thought of a troubling
issue. While no one welcomes pain like this, it is often a
blessingfor EFT'ers because, at that moment, THE CLIENT IS
OBVIOUSLY TUNED INTO THE ISSUE.
What better time to start tapping?Even if the client is so
distraught that they are unable to speak, this is usually an ideal
time totap. Why? Because they are so tuned into the problem that
they don't need to put wordsaround it. Further, the important
aspects of the problem are usually front and center and sofinding
them doesn't require a lot of detective work. Thus, in cases like
these, I usually juststart tapping and leave the language and
reframes until later. A recent case illustrates thisprocedure.
A few months ago I was invited by my friend, Chris Hegarty (an
internationally known publicspeaker), to present EFT to an audience
of 350 people (my presentation was a small part of an8 day personal
improvement seminar). It went over very well as about 90% of the
attendeesreported noticeable results during my two hour
presentation.
A few hours later I was walking on the grounds outside the
meeting room and noticed anelderly woman sobbing uncontrollably
under a tree. She was accompanied by two young men(her sons) who
seemed perplexed at this high emotion. They motioned me to come
over and,of course, I eagerly offered my assistance. This
unexplained sobbing had gone on for a full 20minutes and no let up
was in sight.
Let me pause here to ponder what may have triggered this lady's
intense emotion. Did it
surface during my EFT presentation or was it an inevitable
consequence of attending this 8 daypersonal improvement seminar?
Was it something someone said to her or did she just happento
recall something? We will never know for sure but let me hasten to
say that IT DOESN'TMATTER WHAT TRIGGERED IT. "Triggering" merely
means that a troubling issue is now on thesurface and is ready to
be resolved. To my way of thinking, that is good. Otherwise the
issueremains in the psychic shadows doing its damage as part of an
impaired self image. This, of
course, results in "limits" and poor decisions. When it is
triggered, however, it displays itself inall its glory--a perfect
healing opportunity.
To resume, I approached the lady and asked what was troubling
her. She couldn't tell mebecause her sobbing was so intense. Sob,
sob, sob, sob, sob, sob, sob, sob.... She wasobviously tuned into
the problem even though I had no clue what it was. So I just
startedtapping on her. I must have done 15 rounds or so (including
the fingertips for good measure)
over a 4 or 5 minute time span. Gradually her sobbing subsided
and, when it was completelygone, I asked again what was troubling
her. She said....
"My mother didn't love me"and began sobbing again (although less
intensely).
How's that for a great big global issue? This "mother/father
didn't love me" problem is fairly
common and I have often observed healing practitioners
erroneously approach it by trying toconvince the client that their
mother/father really did love them. This is often useless, or
evencounter productive, because in many cases the real truth is
that their mother/father DIDN'Tlove them. This has to be addressed
head on if we are to have meaningful, lasting shifts.
Many parents, it turns out, aren't capable of loving their
children (or anyone else) because oftheir own unresolved beliefs,
fears, guilts, angers, traumas, etc. The real problem lies
within
the "unloving parent", not with the "unloved child" (although
the unloved child does notperceive it this way). Thus the unloved
child is in big need of a cognitive shift if they are to
beappropriately helped. It is critical that we provide an effective
reframe along these linesbecause immeasurable client freedom
depends on it.
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8/7/2019 Reframing in EFT - My mother didn't love me
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To assist in this regard, let me go back to the sobbing lady
under the tree. Since her ability tospeak was impaired, I resumed
tapping on her while providing a reframing narrative. In
myexperience, by the way, reframes are far more likely to land
while using EFT (because theresistance fades). The reframing
narrative went something like this.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[while consistently tapping on the EFT points]
"A mother's love is something we all cherish. It's what mothers
are supposed to do. [she nodsyes]. We see evidence of the
importance of a mother's love in movies, television andbooks....and
we assume that every mother is capable of loving her children just
the way oursociety portrays it. [she nods yes].
But we know that is not always true. Mothers are people, just
like you and me, and sometimesthey make mistakes, just like you and
me. [she nods yes]. Sometimes they have a lot ofpersonal problems
and they are not able to love someone else...even their
children.Sometimes they feel so fearful...or guilty...or angry
about their own childhood or their owncircumstances that love has
been crowded out. Some mothers have experienced so little
lovethemselves that they don't know how to give it. How could they
give something they know solittle about?[she calms down...then
sighs...and nods yes--we are on target].
I don't know about your mother but my mother's mother...my
grandmother...didn't know howto give love either. She was a bitter
lady whose husband left her with 4 young children,including my
mother, during the depression. She had no education and had to
raise 4 childrenby scrubbing floors. She was resentful and angry.
There was no love within her to give tosomeone else--only anger
which showed up as statements to her children...including my
mother...such as, "I wish you were never born." To top it off,
she was later diagnosed asschizophrenic.
Was this my mother's fault? What do you think?[she nods no--the
reframe is landing]. Did mymother feel unloved? [she nods yes]. But
does that mean she was unlovable...or....does itmean her mother
didn't know how to love? Important distinction. Do you think my
mother wasunlovable [she nods no] or was it that her mother didn't
know how to love?[she nods yes].
Sometimes we feel unlovable simply because our mother didn't
know how to love [she nodsyes]. But the real issue here is being
able to love our mother BECAUSE she was unable tolove. Our job is
to appreciate her for all her problems and to know she was
trying--eventhough her efforts weren't very effective [she nods
yes]. Can you imagine going through lifewithout this
understanding?[I smiled as I said this and she smiled back
knowingly]"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At this time her sobbing had completely subsided, her posture
was more erect and she was allsmiles. She spoke with a spanish
accent and told me of the parallels between my grandmother
and her mother. We giggled a time or two at the absurdity of
some of our misperceptions--both hers and mine. There was
understanding (effectively reframed) within her words and
noticeable freedom on the issue.
Did we eliminate the problem completely? I doubt it. Global
issues such as this tend to havemany influences within our mental
archives and usually require more sessions. But we didestablish a
major reframe--a foundation from which further freedom can be
installed.
Hugs, Gary
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