RBabooneryeckless

Issue 1 May 2009

Kittens!‘

‘

Welcome to the greatest literary treat since the Bayeux Tapestry. Dans le this issue we have travelled the lengths and breadths of the Midlands — and even further to deliver to you the most essential nuggets of advice and wisdom. Our journey has taken us through spontaneous, explosive laughter, into dark despair and to the brink of insanity (including foot aids). Our inspiration has stemmed from the wisdom and wit of Balvir Nandra — Typographer Extraordinaire and generally funny man, Harry Palmer and Mr. Si Walker — editors of The Eccentric City News-paper, animals and food — our two main preoccupations and concepts that can only arise from the discussions of six cohabiters forced to spend endless evenings together when all decent conversation has been exhausted.

During the creation of this publication we have consumed… 1,260 cups of tea, 144 packets of biscuits (various), 3,780 cigarettes (roll-ups so basically salad), 72 bottles of Chateau 66 (a fine wine, available for 30p a bottle from Darren’s parents), 174 bacon and egg sandwiches and one KFC bargain bucket minus sides.

So, get your scarves out and cheer on your favourite contender in the 7th Bi-annual Jelly Gobble. Become the stylist you have always dreamed of being as you dress the chicken up nice. Learn how to become socially acceptable with our etiquette feature and discover your inner gardening tool-related nature in our personality test created by top psychologist Dr. Warder PhD NBA WD40.

Next issue will be available: tomorrow next week in a month when we’re fucken ready

EditorialBonjour fellow baboonerers.

2Gemma Colley and Kathryn Warder

Contributors

Left to Right -

Shaun Colley

Alex Bermingham

Ben Woolrych

Louise Milner

Jessica Adey

Holly Joynes

Tommy Morrison

Ian Tyers

Ashley Humby

Natalie Wood

Sam Jones

3

Contents

go on, dress him up nice!

Spaceman

The other major trend taking the fashion world by storm is spaceman hippy pirate. The style, which is also known as “Moonwalking Bohemian who Robs at Sea”, has been seen on supermodels including Giselle Bunion. Alek Wee and Heidi Bumm. These cutting edge outfites have been created from the key pieces from this seasons hottest. We have teamed up with top models Holande Joyess and Alexis Van Bermando. Styled by Gezabelle Colliteene of the Redikloon House of Fashionism photographs by Rynberg Wardarf.

HippyPirate

Biscuit or cake? The age-old conundrum. The obvious an-swer is “both”; a crunchy bis-cuit complimented by a nice soft cakey but in many social circles this is regarded as a faux pas of the highest or-der. To request both is simply uncouth. Oh yes, you would likely become the recipient of such taunts as “Hoggish Person with Greedy Face” or “Hefty Eater” for many years to come. I shall investigate the pro’s and con’s for both

in order to discover the cor-rect response and ensure that nobody will ever be left regretting their choice of confectionary for future tea time refreshment.Now just to avoid confusion, when I say biscuit I am not referring to the savoury, flat items we eat with cheese that also call themselves biscuits. These are blatantly crackers and nothing like the sweet, sweet items that we happily dunk into our cups of tea. A

or ?Tennis

PlayingLibrarianGet in vogue this season with Reckless Fashion. We have managed to get our large comedy gloves on two of the most in-demand models of the moment. Fresh from the catwalks of Paris and Milan we have Tommy Marrosoleis and Katia Wardette. The look is styled by Fashionista Gez-abelle Collteene of the Redikloon House of Fashionism. Photographed by Hollinda Joyspurn.

For this issue, I decided to

treat you all to sharing the

sheer delight that is my annual

trip to the International Sausag

e

Festival held in Basingstoke.

The journey took an unexpectecd

twist when I happened upon a

giant, evil Chinese waving cat

which, it turns out, has been

following me about for a while

now. Unfortunately, by the time

I arrived at my destination the

whole place had been evacuated

due to a regrettable incident

involving an ill-tempered swan a

nd

an over enthusiastic and frankly

out of order sausage chef named

Roger Leggs.

curry sauce is the bomb, ,

UtensilsReady 10

Things

YOUcanDO

With ...

6–18 The 7th Bi-Annual Jelly Gobble 19- 20 10 Things 21- 22 Biscuit or Cake? 24-29 Dream Analysis 30-32 Photo Casebook 33-38 11-11-11

39-40 Dress the Chicken

41-46 The Outdoorist 47-66 Fashion

4

OUTDOORIST

Unless you have spent the past twelve months staring longingly into a bag of sawdust, you’ve most likely seen the Outdoorist in his popular television series ‘Pissing into Nature: How to survive in the Outdoors’. The Reckless Baboonery team were fortunate enough to be able to meet up with the outdoorist, as he is a very busy man. He invites us to meet him in the woods, his preferred environment. ‘I feel at home in the woods’ he explains with a perverted glint in his eye ‘I have spent many an hour meandering about these parts, conversing with the animals and nurturing my own unique bond with nature, using the medium of piss.’ The outdoorist, author of the best-selling title ‘If You’re Gunna Bum a Bear, Bum a Grizzly’, grew up in Tamworth, Staffordshire in a large

house that he shared with his mother, Jean, and brother. His childhood was relatively normal until he was caught short whilst on a camping trip. ‘I felt an overwhelming sense of freedom,’ he explains ‘I felt at home, I felt at one with nature. From that day on, I vowed to live my life completely in the outdoors.’ The relationship between him and his estranged brother, who manifests himself as ‘The Outdoorer’ is a touchy subject for him, we tentatively probed him on this subject. ‘He’s a big fake and a phoney; he knows nothing of the outdoors. He saw the special bond I had with nature and wanted a piece of the action! Farting on nature!? It’s disrespectful and, quite frankly, vulgar and when he talks to the animals, they tell him to sod off — I’ve heard them!

the

Is it a Gypsy? Is it a Tramp? No, it’s the Outdoorist! Talking exclusively about his controversial new TV series, and

This diary will change your life 2009 - Benrik

Suffer from insipid dullness and a general stench of boring bastard? Get this book and become the person you always wanted to be in 2009. Follow the instructions within and you may be called ‘a complete dingle swozza’ or something along those lines but you will also become considerably more interesting and you wont even need to be interesting enough to figure out how. Personal Favourites include:

Swear WeekSquatting WeekMutiny WeekFind suspicious activity and report it week

••••

How to Fossilise Your Hamster - Mick O’Hare

Ever wanted to know how to weigh your own head? Well I have and this book explains how. But that is basically the only good thing about this book, unless your interested in basic nonsensical experimentation around the home, in which case this book is for you. I found it difficult to figure out who it is aimed at but I came to the conclusion it is for people I have never had the pleasure of encountering, thankfully. It does make an excellent christmas gift for someone you hate or it can be used as an effective door wedge.

Party too hard this month and you will find you have become a bad taste in the mouth of your hangover. Keep you friends close and your enemies at a substantial distance. Join a master-class of modern storytelling and become the interesting person you’ve always thought you were. Seek out the teapot of harmony, it will bring you inner peas.

Sagittarius November 23 - December 22

This month will bring brilliant things for the Capricorn, your ruling planet Mars is in conjunction with Jupiter - which is good. This means you’ll be skipping on rainbows by Wednesday. But be careful not to trip, if you fall off a rainbow you fall into the fiery pits of oblivion, never to return. Avoid umbrellas, covert cats and Thai wood. Invest in garage doors, you’ll have guaranteed profitability within two years.

Capricorn December 23 - January 20

This month expect religious revelation and an imbalance in stomach acid as the general outlook. Pretend to be an ancient Greek god at work, give out advice in a god like way and take orders from no lower being. Commandeer the photocopier as your ‘direct messaging service to the heavens’ let no one near it and if they try, throw golden bricks at them. Learn a new language and use it while out and about, if people don’t understand shout at them like a Brit abroad.

Aquarius January 21 - February 19

This month is all about new beginning. Launch yourself down a hill, cover yourself in honey and parade down the street in your underwear. Start things but don’t finish them. Avoid libraries and loose paper. Find a new friend in a bakery on the 19th, they will be buying 4 sausage rolls and an iced bun, approach them and strike up a conversation about pastry, it will bloom into a wonderful jam filled alliance.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

This could well be a very good month for Taurians, the moon is turning 7 degrees towards Saturn on the eve of the 12th day, which puts you in the 5th house of Aquarius. This represents anguish and road safety. If you knock 4 times and recite “My 7th cracker is a Ritz biscuit, which technically is a cracker unconvincingly disguised as a biscuit, ”, in a convincing tone you be welcomed into the house and will enjoy a month of tomfoolery and joviality. If you are rejected, expect a month of disappointment peppered with dispair and a topping of disappointment. So this month could go either way actually.

Taurus April 21 - May 21

The All-seeing Mandrill is Watching You

A selection of fantastically brain teasing condundrums designed to amuse by presenting difficulties to be solved with ingenuity or patient effort, now get puzzleing you bunch of great apes.

Believe it or not, there are are no less than seven subtle differences between these two images. If you can spot all of them then you really are very

observant indeed!

Ask Patty...Ask Patty...ESSENTIALETIQUETTE

A simple guide to essential etiquette that will turn the most socially disabled fruit bat into a blooming social peacock.

67-70 Essential Etiquette71-72 Amusing Actualities74-76 Ask Patty77-80 Personality Test81-82 Recipes83-84 Book Reviews85-88 Puzzles89-91 Horoscopes92 Puzzle Answers93 Beware

Contents

5

UtensilsReady

As the nights draw in and the October sun sets over a sleepy suburb, little would you think that preparations are underway for the most controversial test of stamina this side of the Atlantic — The 7th Bi-Annual Jelly Gobble, held at a secret location on Gibbons Road, Birmingham. The contestants come from near and far to prove their jelly worth. Reigning champion Kathryn ‘Two Steaks’ Warder of Norwich currently remains undefeated in the Norfolk division. She claims that winning the competition will be

a ‘Piece of piss’. We wondered if this boast was wholly justified, but then we saw the size of her spoon! Patty ‘Pass Me a Pie’ Wood, winner of the Derbyshire heat was slightly more reserved. ‘I actually don’t like jelly; I don’t know why I’m here.’ Ben ‘Wooly’ Woolrych strides into the arena with confidence. He’s dressed like he means business, although we don’t know what kind of business this would be. Golf-playing pimp we wonder? He makes no secret of the shady tactics he plans to

employ; ‘My pockets are lined with plastic bags’ he boasts. Charlatan. Ash ‘Corned Beef Hash’ Humby of no fixed address is a promising newcomer to Jelly Gobbling but has yet to prove himself as a real contender as he is prone to falling at the final portion due to inadequate pacing of himself. Bringing with her a taste of the Orient is Jess ‘Half Savoury Half Sweet’ Adey of Poland. She speaks no English; the only sounds she utters are those of her native woodland where she was raised

Let them eat jelly. ..

7

bastards’ shouts the ref in a surprisingly feminine voice. The event gets off to a strong start, all that can be heard is the sound of scraping and squelching until ‘Corned Beef Hash’ Humby lets out a massive burp — he may have even had some sick. The hallowed and much desired cup has been passed on amongst strong contenders, and flukers alike until this day where it is Kathryn ‘2 Steaks’ Warder’s turn to return the cup and once more compete against her adversaries for the right to

cup. ‘Fuck the cup; I’m in it for the money!’ Announces ‘Two Steaks’. We feel this might not be the appropriate time to inform her that there is no money. The contestants take their place at the table, each wielding their chosen utensil. ‘Screwdriver’s going to struggle with that fork! You could cut the atmosphere with a ladle as they attempt to psyche each other out, except ‘Two Steaks’, nobody could take that squint seriously. Silence descends on the room as the jelly is served. ‘Ding, Dong’, ‘Eat ya

by a donkey. Her main method of communication is through interpretative dance — she really is savage. Finally, bringing up the rear is Gemma ‘Screwdriver’ Colley of the Isle of Dogs. Look at that face. ‘2 Steaks better watch out, she’s going down, I’ve eaten jelly for every meal for the past six years, I’m not going home without that cup — I’ll be eating my jelly out of that.’ The tension mounts as the jelly sets and the contestants warm up with some mouth exercises. They have their eyes on the

Let them eat jelly. ..

8

Vital StatsName: Ash "Corned Beef Hash" HumbyHeight: 6'Weight: 12stHead Circumference: 58cmStomach Capacity: Unknown. It's believed his stomach is not disimilar to a deep ocean crater

Vital StatsName: Patty "Pass Me a Pie" WoodHeight: 5'2"Weight: 8stHead Circumference: 54cmStomach Capacity: 17 chicken and mushroom pies with 2 lb of chips and gravyy

Vital StatsName: Kathryn "2 Steaks" WarderHeight: 5'1"Weight: 7.5stHead Circumference: 55.7cmStomach Capacity: Two 48oz steaks with french mustard and a pickled egg

9

Vital StatsName: Ben "Wooly" WoolrychHeight: 5"9'Weight: 11.5stHead Circumference: 56cmStomach Capacity: The contents of Iceland (the shop)

Vital StatsName: Jess "Half Savoury, Half Sweet" AdeyHeight: 5'9"Weight: 10.6stHead Circumference: 57.9cmStomach Capacity: A full buffet table catering for a party of 100

Vital StatsName: Gemma "Screwdriver" ColleyHeight: 5'8"Weight: 10.8stHead Circumference: 57.2cmStomach Capacity: Ten vegetarian breakfasts, 24 packets of smokey bacon crisps and a water melon

10

take it home with her again. Some say she has had her best years and shall probably lose and leave in a strop, we hope she is made of wobblier stuff than that. First to fall in round one is ‘Pass me a Pie’ Wood, after two almighty mouths full she was looking promising but proceeded to announce she wasn’t fond of raspberry flavour and wasn’t prepared to eat any more unless she was given strawberry. Unfortunately for ‘Pass Me a Pie’ rule 76, chapter 9 paragraph 13 of The Jelly Gobble Rules, Regulations and General Conduct Manual states:‘Contestants do not, throughout the duration of the contest, have the authority to choose the particular flavouring that their jelly consists of, nor do they possess the right to change or swap a flavour with either other contestants or the jelly supplier. Contestants found to be doing either of the above will be disqualified without appeal.’ Next to drop out like a blob of jelly sliding off a well-greased sideboard is ‘Half Savoury, Half Sweet’ Adey. She fell foul of the pacing tactic by going gung-ho with a ladle and jug in round one, being over ambitious will get you nowhere in this room. She looks disappointed and a little disorientated, her liquid levels are obviously

topping out as she slumps back in her swivel chair. ‘It’s been emotional’ she acts out in dance format. So, round two is imminent and with two down, it’s all still to play for. ‘2 Steaks’ is looking good for the cup, it would appear round one was like a small appetiser in a five course banquet for the mighty crevice that is her stomach. ‘Oh yer that was a breeze man, like taking the bus to Caerphilly on a warm August evening, ya know?’ Erm, ok. The contestants limber up for the next round with some stomach crunches. The jelly is served for round two, ‘Ding, Dong’, ‘Eat ya bastards!’ shouts the ref and the round commences. Who will make it to the final round? Only time will tell! ‘Wooly’ Woolrych takes a surprising lead as he maximises the use of the serving spoon, but is that the colour of his face or is it the reflection of his lime jelly? No, it’s definitely the colour of his face, ‘Wooly’ Woolrych takes a dive — and it’s messy. ‘Go oooon’ jeers the crowd as the remaining three get quite literally stuck into their jelly. It looks like ‘Screwdriver’ Colley’s claims that she will be taking the trophy home could well be a possibility as she surges through her jelly with an ease that can only be compared to that of a champion. As

by the way he eats his jellyYou Can Judge A Mans Character

11

by the way he eats his jellyYou Can Judge A Mans Character

the round continues in all its slippery glory, it becomes evident that ‘Two Steaks’ Warder is losing her pace at an alarming rate. ‘Corned Beef Hash’ Humby and ‘Screwdriver’ Colley are taking a notable lead from the reigning champ, could this be the end of her jelly eating hay day? The trusty wooden spoon slips from ‘2 Steaks’ hand in what appears to be slow motion, ‘NOOOOOOOooo’ she cries and she’s down, head slumped on the table in either shame or nausea, it’s hard to tell in a competition of this nature. So, with the final round looming like a very tall person over a primordial dwarf we talk to the two remaining contestants to get their views on the competition so far. We ask, ‘How has it been for you, Screwdriver?’ ‘Well I wouldn’t call it a stroll in the park but I could liken it to getting round Sainsbury’s early evening on a Saturday, pushing a trolley with a dodgy wheel, you know the sort that has a life of it’s own, ha.’ Profound words there, Screwdriver. ‘Do you think the competition has been of a high standard this year “Corned Beef”?’ ‘Oh yer the bar has defiantly been raised, there has been new talent oozing from some unlikely parts of the country this year. Jelly Gobbling is not for the faint hearted though, it takes years of stomach training to get to competition level. My advice to any youngsters looking to get into

the sport is to stay focused and join your local club for extra support and a chance to test your abilities. It is also important to remember it takes training of the mind as well as the body to reach your peak, psychologically this sport can send you mentally pickled if you let it.’ He replies. Thanks for the valuable advice, ‘Corned Beef’. The fridge door opens with the creek of anticipation as the contestants take their places around the table for the third and final round. Suspense dangles in the air like a shiny new shoe in the window of a shoe shop about to open, being ogled by a shoe enthusiast. The jelly is served ‘Ding, Dong’ ‘Eat ya bastards’. The events that follow are difficult to report as our vision became impaired by the sheer intensity of the atmosphere and the pure devotion on display. A spectator sums it up nicely with ‘It was like their blood was made of jelly and their bodies the mere vessels that contained it, they resembled gladiators in a mighty battle of strength and stamina.’And then, in the midst of the chaos, a head swooped and fell — but whose was it? Through the haze I squint to make out the silhouette, ‘Corned Beef Hash’ had slipped in a puddle of his own jelly and it was all over. The crowd go wild as ‘Screwdriver’ takes the cup and kisses it. ‘Oh fuckin’ yer, what did I tell you losers! Eat it and weep!’

It was like their blood was made of jelly and their bodies the mere vessels that contained it, they resembled gladiators in a mighty battle of strength and stamina

14

The

The

FIRSTGobble

Long ago, in April 2005, Sam ‘All in My Mouth’ Jones and Holly ‘Not Without My Hotdog’ Joynes’ eyes met across the starter section of a crowded all you can eat buffet. They were somehow drawn towards each other and soon got to talking where they discovered they had one very special thing in common — their ability to consume vast quantities of food in a timely manner. Their shared passion though was jelly, in all it’s glorious colours and flavours. One evening, after a hefty session of jelly eating, ‘Not without My hotdog’ came up with an idea. An idea that would change the face of competitive sports forever. ‘If we can find other likeminded individuals with a passion for not-quite-solid-not-quite-liquid food matter, we can compete and great things shall be achieved’. The Jelly Gobble was born. sadly the founders were discovered in their hotel room following the Jelly Gobble final having apparently died of consumption ‘There was jelly everywhere’ reported a witness. Their talent had cost them their lives. To protect their legacy, the contenders formed a committee and the event has been held twice annually ever since in various residential addresses throughout the country, to avoid the hordes of paparazzi and media coverage it would inevitably attract. 16

Sam ‘all In my mouth’ JoneS

1976-2005

holly ‘not WIthout my hotdog’ JoyneS

1980-2005

10ThingsYOUcandOWith ...

Biscuit or cake? The age-old conundrum. The obvious answer is ‘both’; a crunchy biscuit complimented by a nice, soft cakey but in many social circles this is regarded as a faux pas of the highest order. To request both is simply uncouth. Oh yes, you would likely become the recipient of such taunts as ‘Hoggish Person with Greedy Face’ or ‘Hefty Eater’ for many years to come.

I have investigated the pros and cons for both in order to discover the correct response and ensure that nobody will ever again be left regretting their choice of confectionary for future tea time refreshment. Now just to avoid confusion, when I say biscuit I am not referring to the savoury, flat items we eat with cheese that also call themselves biscuits. These are blatantly crackers and nothing

or ?

like the sweet, sweet items that we happily dunk into our cups of tea. A Ritz in your tea? I think not! That aside, I have discovered that in modern classification the line between biscuit and cake is a fuzzy one. For example, take the simple Jaffa Cake — shaped like a biscuit, covered in chocolate, fits into your tea and doesn’t crumble at the mere suggestion of being picked up, surely it would be crazy to suggest that such an invention could be classified a cake. However, look closer - there’s sponge in there. In fact, I am pretty sure there was some kind of legal battle in the olden days to avoid McVities being liable to pay VAT on them due to them technically being a cake. Moreover, they won so they must be a cake. However, you can put them in your tea. So we will just forget about these for the time being. There are many forms of true biscuit — plain, oaty, shortcake, those laced with fruit or chocolate chips, ‘sandwiches’

which are two biscuits stuck together with either jam or some form of synthetic cream or ‘fondant’, and of course, those covered with chocolate. The one quality they all share is crunchiness; this is what sets them apart from the cake. They are usually round or finger shaped and fit easily into an average sized mug or cup. They are usually less substantial than an average serving of cake allowing the eater to choose to consume any amount until they reach their desired fullness. This is generally considered an advantage however it does depend on it being an all you can eat biscuit offer. If this is not the case, you may come away feeling unsatisfied and hungry. There are two main options where cake distribution is involved; a large cake cut up into sections each of which is given to a recipient, or many smaller cakes each of a manageable size suitable for consumption of one person. The portion of either is almost

certainly more generous than that of a single biscuit. The research that I conducted into this matter clearly shows that men prefer the cakey option; this could be due to their larger stomach capacities as I found that the only boys who preferred biscuits were skinny and foppish and most probably could not win a fight with a fatigued leprechaun. Women, on the other hand are biscuit lovers, this is probably because biscuits are easier to digest while thinking of kittens and knitting, especially digestive biscuits. In conclusion, the answer is: If you’re simply voracious, go for the cake, unless it’s an all you can eat biscuit deal in which case biscuits are advised. If a light snackette is all that is required then I would advise a good old biscuit — you can put it in your tea.

TIRED OFEUNUCHSRAIDING YOUR

BINS?

KEEPING EUNUCHS AT BAY SINCE 1986

ood day to you fellow dream fanciers! I am Helmut Clubfoot-Bumnut-

McBigfoot, professional dream analyser, mind reader and duck sexer. From humble roots, growing up on my mother’s canal boat amongst the waters of Blackpool I have come to develop a very special gift indeed: the ability to rummage about in the unconscious and pull out the inner meanings of your dreams. So venture forth, readers and I shall unlock the mystery of your dreams oooooooo.

errick, your dream is fascinating and profound. You have issues with your appearance, a severe lack of self-confidence I’m detect-ing? You don’t like to mix so you avoid places with crowds, like

your local chippie, and bonfire nights. And you’re not a sporty person are you? I thought not. I suggest you never venture out again, you can peep through the curtains at the normal people, but you’re not normal, are you? I hope my advice brings you some comfort. Creep.

have a recurring dream where I have a Wagon Wheel permanently at-tached to my face. It impairs my vision so I trip over the cat and fall down the stairs, which wakes me up... I wake with chocolate on my face

every time I have this dream, which can be as often as 8 times a week! Can you help me figure out what this mean?

ou have asked me not to print your name and address, is that because you’re a bit of a Biffa? Trying to blame your cat for your secret nose-bags is not fair, cats don’t like chocolate. Your inner psychics are telling

you to lock up the fridge. Fat people like you blame bone structure or genes, yeah your bones won’t fit in your jeans so can I suggest a gastric band be fit-ted around your neck. Let me know how things are going.

had a dream where I was a cardboard cut out of myself. Everywhere I went there was a risk of being exposed to moisture, which I knew would render me floppy. I had to be extra careful of chip pans, open flames and

pogo sticks. The dream left me feeling flat, thirsty and two-dimensional.

was floating on the sea in a canoe that is actually a banana. It was Christ-mas and I had a cheese board and a selection of posh crackers, but no knife. I reached for my oar in order to paddle to shore but it is made out

of Weetabix and instantly disintegrates on contact with the water. That's the problem with a Weetabix oar. I was left stranded for days without a knife to butter my crackers or slice my cheese. In desperation, I forced my face into the cheese board trying to trying to ram as much cheese into my mouth as possible, which caused me to choke. I woke up, startled to receive the news that my goldfish, Fizzy, had died in the night. Could this have been his way of saying goodbye?

heese is the devils work, it’s the puss from his backside and you’re full of it. Your demons have taken over the asylum and you’re as mad as that Fritzl fella. Do you keep cheese in your cellar? In addition, when

dreams enter reality as you found with poor Fiz, it’s time to end it all, I suggest you find the nearest bus and walk in front of it. Good-bye.

was in a phone box and caught my reflection in the glass. I had star shaped glasses on, on closer inspection, I also had a ginger wig - I was Elton John. I stepped out of the phone box and found myself at the

foot of a giant volcano. Next to it stood a giraffe; he smiled at me and said, 'I am your guardian giraffe.' 'My name is Wheldon, climb aboard my back and I shall deliver you to safety.' 'How do I know you are a guardian giraffe?’ I replied. ‘Do you have a card?' 'No' he said 'but I do have a 2 for 1 coupon for Womack's Texas BBQ Grill, you can have it if you want? Take Daniel.' Suddenly, I found myself in a wheelbarrow being pushed by the Loch Ness Monster towards Scotland, which was strangely just outside Peterborough, off the M6. Lining my path were several men, their eyes were too close together. They appeared to be beckoning me, 'Come, come to Scotland, eats Haggis and then sick it up again, it makes no difference'. I awoke with a feeling of wistful melancholy and slight embarrassment, what do you think this dream means?

h Dave, we really are suffering. I’m getting red, I’m getting small change, are you a bus driver? Or a telephone box change collec-tor? Both are dead end jobs! Now, giraffes in your dreams have

significance as they portray issues with your height, are you a midget? Haggis burgers will leave you dry and your embarrassment stems from your arse. Monsters on the M6 will leave you with suicidal tendinitis which is common in small folk. Take herbal tea and bull’s milk twice a week for the next 9 years and see if things ease.

find myself in a badger's set, surrounded by what appears to be a family of badgers. The grandfather has a cane, a beard and half-moon spec-tacles. He instructs me to kill my family. When I refuse, he says he

was only joking but there is a residual psychotic look in his eyes. I suddenly realise I am surrounded by posters of Anne Widdicombe; she is scantily clad. In a magazine rack by the side of Granddad’s armchair are several, well thumbed copies of The Financial Times. I try to exit the set but as I get to its mouth, an abnormally large sausage roll blocks the daylight. It looks like and has the consistency of a Gregg's 79p product. As I try to push my way past it, I am covered in salty water; it stings my eyes like fish juice in a fresh paper cut. I wake up before I have overcome the sausage roll with a confusing taste of Piccalilli and Eccles cakes.

ombles on LSD, Ms. Widdicombe on shrooms, Bankers on ganja, issues with Greggs the bakers and to top it off, a fish slice from Yorkshire. My god, how long have you been asleep? Let’s

start at the beginning and see where we end. The first part of your dream is worrying, the second part is just wrong and the ending beggar’s belief. I can only conclude that you’re a fisherman, all those lonely hours looking at a stick in water has given you herpes, go get it checked out before you it’s too late and you turn to crime. Check out today’s helpline for Fishermen with issues, over 18’s only.

For this issue, I decided to

treat you all to sharing the

sheer delight that is my annual

trip to the International Sausag

e

Festival, held in Basingstoke.

The journey took an unexpectecd

twist when I happened upon a

giant, evil Chinese waving cat

which, it turns out, has been

following me about for a while

now. Unfortunately, by the time

I arrived at my destination the

whole place had been evacuated

due to a regrettable incident

involving an ill-tempered swan a

nd

an over enthusiastic and frankly

out of order sausage chef named

Roger Legg.

Here I am setting off on my eventful journey in my beloved wagon, Helga. There’s that bastard cat hiding round the corner.

Thankfully, a sudden volcanic eruption put an end to my predicament by causing it to regurgitate its ill-gotten cuisine...

...And I was released from the evil

feline entrails. Possibly embarassed,

the cat hastily scampered off into a

nearby corn field.

As if out of nowhere, it leered over

me baring its pointy teeth and sharp

talons. Shit.

During the commotion Helga seemed to

have completely disappeared. Then who

should come to my aid but non other

than TV’s Noel Edmunds in his Soviet

Russian or something transit van.

Finally! We had arrived at the

sausage convention! The swan had

been

pascified but everyone had bugge

red

off so me and Noel went to the C

hutney

Bazaar for a curry.

Inside the cat’s belly I was met by popular sports commentator Des Lynham and a selection of unusual animals. Had they been consumed aswell or were they all part of this devilish scheme?

‘Mnyomm mnyomm’ it says as I’m transported down into it’s gullet towards my doom..

11-11-11the

On the eleventh of November an event was organised by a Birmingham blogger in conjunction with the Birmingham: It’s Not Shit website. The idea was that on the eleventh day of the eleventh month, people would spend eleven hours on the number eleven bus route. These were the rules:

The Idea...

• Get on the 11C after 11am on 11/11 • Get off the 11C at 10pm — 11 hours later on 11/11 • You can get on and off the bus as many times as you like (don’t spend more than an hour off bus at one time) • Document your journey; photos, film, writing, cross-stitch, knitting, amigurumi, poetry, blog, twitter, however you like • Meet up with others as mad as you, if you want • Record everything on the eleven bus blogspot

The number eleven bus follows Birmingham’s outer circle. The circuit is 27 miles long, takes three hours to complete and is Europe’s longest urban bus route. The idea for the 11-11-11 according to the organiser Jon Bounds is that ‘A snapshot of the real Birmingham from a number of different people will emerge, one that’s unedited, unspun, and unwashed. Circling the city will force the gaze inward, focusing our attention on our municipality.’

www.elevenbus.co.uk

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The reality...So we decided ‘This sounds fun lets go along’…

Of course this was armistice day, so we thought ‘what better way to celebrate all those who were involved in the war and what they did for us by way of fighting for our right to have fun and free lives in the UK’. The journey would allow for reflection and a chance to glimpse the second city as it is now and hopefully to meet many people with as much time on their hands and enough eccentricity to want to spend 11 hours on a bus. Although we were to find that this would be the furthest from the truth as the day unravelled to be one of the most boring and unproductive that we have experienced in, well, a while.

The day got off to a bad start when Kathryn lost her poppy on the way to the bus stop, proclaiming ‘We’ll have to retrace out steps, people will think I’m an unthoughtful shitmonger’. We retraced our steps but it was a rather windy day and the poppy was nowhere to be seen. So we then went back to the bus stop carrying on our conversation about whatever it was. While waiting for the bus I noticed an older looking gentleman giving us what can only be described as a stern look. I thought at the time this was because of our conversation topic, but was later to realise — I am a complete fool! It was 11am we were supposed to be silent! Oh dear now we did look like unthoughtful shitmongers!

35

curry sauce is the bomb, ,

So we got on the 11 just after 11, all prepared with flasks of tea, doughnuts, cameras, sketchbooks, and a set of very insightful and stimulating questions for our perspective interviewee’s — others doing the 11–11–11. We were rather excited about the day ahead, we got our seats — top deck at the front and waited...

What we were waiting for in retrospect I’m not sure. I think at the back of our minds we anticipated some sort of party bus or at least fellow revellers to come and join in conversations of how ridiculous it was to be spending 11 hours on a bus route. Whatever we were waiting for it didn’t happen, quite the opposite, nothing happened. The bus went along with its usual business picking up the unwashed and uncivilised, we went by practically unnoticed apart from the few people outside the bus that realised we were taking photos of them and decided to pose.

Although we did get a good insight into the city and it’s outer circle — Birmingham it turns out looks very similar all the way round the edge, you enter some rougher looking areas, some nicer ones, it’s all pretty grey. I can now officially say I prefer the middle, it is much more exciting.

The best part of the day for me was when a child downstairs started singing a song he had obviously made up himself that went ‘Saturday, Saturday, Saturday is the best day, Saturday’ and his mum telling him to shut up. Also the hour we spent in Erdington, where we had chippy dinner and Kat proclaimed her undying love for fish, chips and in particular curry sauce.

So, if you want to have fun, don’t spend 11 hours on a bus it just leaves you unfulfilled with slight travel sickness.

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go on, dress him up nice!

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40

OUTDOORIST

Unless you have spent the past twelve months staring longingly into a bag of sawdust, you’ve most likely seen the Outdoorist in his popular television series ‘Pissing into Nature: How to survive in the Outdoors’. The Reckless Baboonery team were fortunate enough to be able to meet up with the outdoorist, as he is a very busy man. He invites us to meet him in the woods, his preferred environment. ‘I feel at home in the woods’ he explains with a perverted glint in his eye ‘I have spent many an hour meandering about these parts, conversing with the animals and nurturing my own unique bond with nature, using the medium of piss.’ The outdoorist, author of the best-selling title ‘If You’re Gunna Bum a Bear, Bum a Grizzly’, grew up in Tamworth, Staffordshire in a large

house that he shared with his mother, Jean, and brother. His childhood was relatively normal until he was caught short whilst on a camping trip. ‘I felt an overwhelming sense of freedom,’ he explains ‘I felt at home, I felt at one with nature. From that day on, I vowed to live my life completely in the outdoors.’ The relationship between him and his estranged brother, who manifests himself as ‘The Outdoorer’ is a touchy subject for him, we tentatively probed him on this subject. ‘He’s a big fake and a phoney; he knows nothing of the outdoors. He saw the special bond I had with nature and wanted a piece of the action! Farting on nature!? It’s disrespectful and, quite frankly, vulgar and when he talks to the animals, they tell him to sod off — I’ve heard them!

the

Is it a Gypsy? Is it a Tramp? No, it’s the Outdoorist! Talking exclusively about nature, piss and why he hates The Outdoorer.

41

He’s no brother of mine’ He leads us further into the woods, along a route familiar to him. He is suddenly distracted by some bluebells. ‘Ahh bluebells, my favourite!’ He announces ‘They played a major part in my introduction to nature and are in season this time of year’. He hastily scampers off to relieve himself into a large patch of them. We question him about his gift of talking to the animals, a skill that has landed him some bad press recently as he was reportedly seen to be getting a little too up-close and personal with a Moor Hen at a canal side last year, an allegation he has vehemently denied. ‘That’s just hearsay right. I never touched that hen, I was just minding my own business enjoying my daily gallon and a half of Rattler’s cider when he asked me if I’d seen his trilby, he said he’d lost it last night and he couldn’t remember what he’d done with it. Well I just went over to get a

description, you know, so I could keep an eye out for it on my travels like and then, next thing I know, my picture’s all over the Tamworth Herald! As far as I’m concerned there’s only one culprit — it’s that bloody Outdoorer, he’s desperate to get me some negative press.’ A stray dog wanders towards us, ‘That dog looks like he may be intending to disrespect nature. I shall have a friendly word with him to teach him about the importance of protecting the outdoors.’ He makes some shrill warbling noises at the dog, the dog nods enthusiastically and then hastily exits the scene. Upon enquiry, he declined to inform us of what he said. As nighttime approaches, we ask the Outdoorist if he has any parting advice for those keen to get in touch with nature. He looks thoughtful for a while, and begins: ‘Keep it seasonal, as no matter what time of year it is, there’s always something new growing.

I never touched that hen, it’s just hearsay!

44

The Outdoorist’s book ‘If You’re Gunna Bum a Bear, Bum a Grizzly’ is available from all good bookshops priced at £9.99

If you’re gonna try talking to the animals, which takes serious time and practice, always approach quietly and gently and never stomp over and shout “Why don’t you talk to me like you talk to the outdoorist” as they often find this offensive. Always have a good hat; check out the Outdoorist approved cowboy hat range, available at selected outlets. Stay hydrated, running out of piss whilst in the presence of nature is considered the height of rudeness. It happened to me once, I have the scar to prove it but that’s another story and I will never be caught dry again. I’ve tried many a tipple and find Rattler’s cider to produce the best! And finally, work up gradually. Don’t try pissing on a squirrel until you mastered a daffodil. You get me?’

Never stomp over and shout ‘Why don’t you talk to me like you talk to the outdoorist’

TennisPlaying

LibrarianGet in vogue this season with Reckless Fashion. We have managed to get our large comedy gloves on two of the most in-demand models of the moment. Fresh from the catwalks of Paris and Milan we have Tommy Marrosoleis and Katia Wardette. The look is styled by Fashionista Gez-abelle Collteene of the Redikloon House of Fashionism. Photographed by Hollinda Joyspurn.

48

Librarian Tennis Player is the hottest new trend for the spring/summer season in 2009. The look, which is also referred to as ‘Bibilothecary Athlete who Plays Tennis,’ has been heavily featured on all the major runways across the fashion world. The avant-garde nature of this original style is now being passed down to the high-street where the trend is beginning to translate into street fashion. The Reckless Baboonery fashion team are here to show you how to achieve the look at half the price.

The Trend

50

Tommy Wears Thick black rimmed glasses with plaster; Birmingham Rag Market £2.00

Suit Jacket Vintage Marks and Spencer; Shelter £4.50 Lacoste Polo Shirt; His Own

Metallic silver sports shorts; Sports warehouse £5.00 Vintage Tennis Racket; Cancer Research £2.50 for the pair

Virgin Active Sweat Bands; found

The trend for women is characterised by a mixture of luxurious silks and nylons and big, bold floral patterning. ‘Floaty’ is the buzzword for the blouse and a matching scarf is this seasons must have. Instant wardrobe upgrades include the tennis boxed pleat skirt and white sport socks. These are the sort of can’t-go-wrong pieces that tread the line between being completely on-season and season-less. For men, teaming metallic sports wear with a suit jacket is the best way to achieve this trend. Accessorises include tennis rackets, large books and sweat bands for both men and women. But the hottest tip for this season is glasses — the thicker the lens the better!

The Style

53

Katia Wears Reading glasses; Poundland £1.00

Floral Blouse; Banardo’s Childrens Charity £3.50 Tennis Skirt; Her Own

White Sports Socks; Found Books can be found in any reputable household or library

Tennis Ball; Stolen

Spaceman

The other major trend taking the fashion world by storm is spaceman hippy pirate. The style, which is also known as “Moonwalking Bohemian who Robs at Sea”, has been seen on supermodels including Giselle Bunion. Alek Wee and Heidi Bumm. These cutting edge outfits have been created from the key pieces from this season’s hottest. We have teamed up with top models Holande Joyess and Alexis Van Bermando. Styled by Gezabelle Collteene of the Redikloon House of Fashionism photographs by Rynberg Wardarf.

HippyPirate

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The TrendTeam acid bright colours with purple leggings to create a bold statement. This season, where metallics are concerned — anything goes! For a toned down daytime look, ditch the sci-fi accessories and go for a tin foil clutch and matching stilettos to bring the trend into the realm of nine to five. Integrate this look into your lifestyle by travelling by space hopper or trolley.

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The StyleThe key phrases for this style are ‘Metallic Kaleidoscope’ and ‘Swashbuckling Utilitarian’. Team cut off metallic trousers with a psychedelic top for a daytime look and add a colander head-piece and temporary moustache to go out on the town.

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Alexis WearsMetal colander; Birmingham Rag Market £3

Tie dye tank top; Barnardos £1.99T-Shirt; His own

Capri trousers; Shelter £4 Flip flops; borrowed

Holande wearsPirate cap; Birmingham Rag Market £3.99

Patterned Kaftan; Help the Aged £3.50Purple tights; Cancer Research £1.99

Silver boots; Her own

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ESSENTIALETIQUETTE

A simple guide to essential etiquette that will turn the most socially disabled fruit bat into a blooming social peacock.

This issue we are looking at etiquette for the workplace, office or professional environment.

DRESS:When it comes to considering the appropriate clothes to wear for work, it basically helps to separate the options into three categories — casual, smart casual and formal business/professional. Let’s look at these three catego-

ries in more detail.

CASUAL:This is usually what you would wear everyday, when out shopping, metal detecting or playing the banjo. There-fore, it is perfectly acceptable to wear dressing gowns, flip flops and tunics. However, even within the least for-mal dress policy, there are some unwritten rules. Many companies are perfectly happy to let you wear polka dot tights and frilly cravats but as long as they are not teamed with outlandish costume jewellery or hairpieces. Women, in particular are often asked not to wear any skirt which is considered patriotic or vanilla Romanesque. The ba-sic guidelines to follow would be to wear what you might wear out caravanning at the weekend, as opposed to what

you might wear out beekeeping.

SMART CASUAL:This approach to work attire is between casual and fully smart. It can be tricky to know what is meant when told to dress smart casual. The basic rule is to think smart smart, then think rainy day, then add a bit of pizzaz or think prep-py meets boho in Saturday Night Fever or Scottish school teacher gets into a rumble with Elton John (early years). Smart casual wear for a man includes lumberjack shirts, clunky boots, Lycra shorts and bobble hats. For women: Anoraks, bell bottoms, loafers and anything snake skin.

SMART:Regardless of changing trends, the formal professional business ‘look’ is still the most heavily featured in the of-fice environment even these days. It will consist of a leo-tard, long gloves — minimum elbow length, satin ruffles and a red beret for women. Bermuda shorts, flannelette shirt, dickie bow and bowel hat for men. Shoes are left to your own discretion but a recommendation is make them

showy and shiny.

OFFICE ETIQUETTE

68

ESSENTIALETIQUETTE

A simple guide to essential etiquette that will turn the most socially disabled fruit bat into a blooming social peacock.

This issue we are looking at etiquette for the workplace, office or professional environment.

DRESS:When it comes to considering the appropriate clothes to wear for work, it basically helps to separate the options into three categories — casual, smart casual and formal business/professional. Let’s look at these three catego-

ries in more detail.

CASUAL:This is usually what you would wear everyday, when out shopping, metal detecting or playing the banjo. There-fore, it is perfectly acceptable to wear dressing gowns, flip flops and tunics. However, even within the least for-mal dress policy, there are some unwritten rules. Many companies are perfectly happy to let you wear polka dot tights and frilly cravats but as long as they are not teamed with outlandish costume jewellery or hairpieces. Women, in particular are often asked not to wear any skirt which is considered patriotic or vanilla Romanesque. The ba-sic guidelines to follow would be to wear what you might wear out caravanning at the weekend, as opposed to what

you might wear out beekeeping.

SMART CASUAL:This approach to work attire is between casual and fully smart. It can be tricky to know what is meant when told to dress smart casual. The basic rule is to think smart smart, then think rainy day, then add a bit of pizzaz or think prep-py meets boho in Saturday Night Fever or Scottish school teacher gets into a rumble with Elton John (early years). Smart casual wear for a man includes lumberjack shirts, clunky boots, Lycra shorts and bobble hats. For women: Anoraks, bell bottoms, loafers and anything snake skin.

SMART:Regardless of changing trends, the formal professional business ‘look’ is still the most heavily featured in the of-fice environment even these days. It will consist of a leo-tard, long gloves — minimum elbow length, satin ruffles and a red beret for women. Bermuda shorts, flannelette shirt, dickie bow and bowel hat for men. Shoes are left to your own discretion but a recommendation is make them

showy and shiny.

OFFICE ETIQUETTE

68

This issue we are looking at etiquette for the workplace, office or professional environment.

DRESS:When it comes to considering the appropriate clothes to wear for work, it basically helps to separate the options into three categories – casual, smart casual and formal business/professional. Let’s look at these three catego-

ries in more detail.

CASUAL:This is usually what you would wear everyday, when out shopping, metal detecting or playing the banjo. There-fore it is perfectly acceptable to wear dressing gowns, flip flops and tunics. However, even within the least formal dress policy, there are some unwritten rules. Many com-panies are perfectly happy to let you wear poker dot tights and frilly cravats but as long as they are not teamed with outlandish costume jewellery or hair pieces. Women, in particular are often asked not to wear any skirt which is considered patriotic or vanilla Romanesque. The basic guidelines to follow would be to wear what you might wear out caravanning at the weekend, as opposed to what

you might wear out ‘beekeeping’.

SMART CASUAL:This approach to work attire is between casual and fully smart. It can be tricky to know what is meant when told to dress smart casual. The basic rule is to think smart smart, then think rainy day, then add a bit of pizzaz or think prep-py meets boho in Saturday Night Fever or Scottish school-teacher gets into a rumble with Elton John (early years). Smart casual wear for a man includes lumber jack shirts, clunky boots, lycra shorts and bobble hats. For a woman Anoraks, bell bottoms, loafers and anything snake skin.

SMART:Regardless of changing trends, the formal professional business ‘look’ is still the most heavily featured in the of-fice environment even these days. It will consist of a leo-tard, long gloves — minimum elbow length, satin ruffles and a red beret for women. Bermuda shorts, flannelette shirt, dickie bow and bowel hat for men. Shoes are left to your own discretion but a recommendation is make them

showy and shiny.

OFFICE ETIQUETTE

68

IN THE OFFICEHere are a few tips to help you remain popular in the office:

Office etiquette is basically about communicating with people in a professional and formal environment. When it comes down to it, it is about making the right impression and every office has a different environment and struc-ture. Finding the right balance between professionalism and friendliness is of utmost importance. Learning how to treat colleagues and superiors in different situations is the

key to a happy and prosperous office life.

BE TIDY IN THE KITCHENRemember when your mum would say, ‘Do you think this house is a hotel?’ Similarly, at work, no one wants to give you clean towels or carry your bags to your desk. It is also impolite to leave the kitchen stained in your food grease. Make sure you throw some bleach around the place after every meal. Stay clear of packing any sandwiches with un-desirable or messy fillings such as crab paste or pineapple

jam and condensed milk.

RESPECT PEOPLE EATING LUNCH AT THEIR DESK

If someone is having their lunch at their desk, a good rule is to treat them as you would like to be treated while on a lunch break. Try throwing something heavy at them and see if they can dodge it, repeat this until they learn. This is fun and a great icebreaker if you don’t really know the person. Alternatively, ask what they are eating then give a full and genuine opinion on it, including any condiments you think could enhance it and where they might get these from. People like to make out they want to be left alone

while eating but this is generally a lie.

BE SENSITIVE OF SMELLSIf you get a waft of something, figure out what it is and the location it came from. Send out a group email document-ing the smell using a scale of some sort to indicate the level

of smelliness to discreetly point it out to colleagues.

69

IN THE OFFICEHere are a few tips to help you remain popular in the office:

Office etiquette is basically about communicating with people in a professional and formal environment. When it comes down to it, it is about making the right impression and every office has a different environment and struc-ture. Finding the right balance between professionalism and friendliness is of up most importance. Learning how to treat colleagues and superiors in different situations is

the key to a happy and prosperous office life.

BE TIDY IN THE KITCHENRemember when your mum would say, ‘Do you think this house is a hotel?’ Similarly, at work, no-one wants to give you clean towels or carry your bags to your desk. It is also impolite to leave the kitchen stained in your food grease. Make sure you throw some bleach around the place after every meal. Stay clear of packing any sandwiches with un-desirable or messy fillings such as crab paste or pineapple

jam and condensed milk.

RESPECT PEOPLE EATING LUNCH AT THEIR DESK

If someone is having their lunch at their desk, a good rule is to treat them as you would like to be treated while on a lunch break. Try throwing something heavy at them and see if they can dodge it, repeat this until they learn. This is fun and a great ice breaker if you don’t really know the person. Alternatively ask what they are eating then give a full and genuine opinion on it, including any condiments you think could enhance it and where they might get these from. People like to make out they want to be left alone

while eating but this is generally a lie.

BE SENSITIVE OF SMELLSIf you get a waft of something figure out what it is and the location it came from. Send out a group email document-ing the smell using a scale of some sort to indicate the level

of smellyness to discreetly point it out to colleagues.

69

IN THE OFFICEHere are a few tips to help you remain popular in the office:

Office etiquette is basically about communicating with people in a professional and formal environment. When it comes down to it, it is about making the right impression and every office has a different environment and struc-ture. Finding the right balance between professionalism and friendliness is of utmost importance. Learning how to treat colleagues and superiors in different situations is the

key to a happy and prosperous office life.

BE TIDY IN THE KITCHENRemember when your mum would say, ‘Do you think this house is a hotel?’ Similarly, at work, no one wants to give you clean towels or carry your bags to your desk. It is also impolite to leave the kitchen stained in your food grease. Make sure you throw some bleach around the place after every meal. Stay clear of packing any sandwiches with un-desirable or messy fillings such as crab paste or pineapple

jam and condensed milk.

RESPECT PEOPLE EATING LUNCH AT THEIR DESK

If someone is having their lunch at their desk, a good rule is to treat them as you would like to be treated while on a lunch break. Try throwing something heavy at them and see if they can dodge it, repeat this until they learn. This is fun and a great icebreaker if you don’t really know the person. Alternatively, ask what they are eating then give a full and genuine opinion on it, including any condiments you think could enhance it and where they might get these from. People like to make out they want to be left alone

while eating but this is generally a lie.

BE SENSITIVE OF SMELLSIf you get a waft of something, figure out what it is and the location it came from. Send out a group email document-ing the smell using a scale of some sort to indicate the level

of smelliness to discreetly point it out to colleagues.

69

STAY AT HOME WITH THE SNIFFLESA Kimberly-Clark report found 94% of workers admitted that they turn up for work when experiencing cold and flu symptoms. Of these, 85% think about the risk of passing on their illness to colleagues but go in anyway. Seventy five percent like Sudoku and speak a small amount of Span-ish. If you absolutely must go into work with an illness, wear a gas mask and a full plastic romper suit that can be replaced by a fresh one at regular periods throughout the day. Also, paint a big red cross on your chest and carry a bugle to make quick and regular announcements on the current symptoms you are experiencing and the stage at

which your illness is.

‘PRINTER ETIQUETTE’Be mindful of others’ printing needs. Give preferential treatment to workers’ printing diagrams, pie charts and

pictures of Mrs. Blobby.

MONITOR YOUR SPEAKING VOLUMEPeople tend to speak louder on a mobile phone, so make sure you speak even louder. Taking a call from a friend at your desk? No one wants to hear sob stories about being dumped but they don’t mind hearing about escapades, daring escapes, monkeyshines, supernatural happenings

and Bovril.

ASK BEFORE BORROWINGIf you want to borrow someone’s stapler etc make sure you write them a formal letter detailing the exact uses you intend for the item, how long exactly you will require the item for and any other information you deem necessary. Post the letter and wait for a letter in response sealing the deal. You may need to offer a borrow in return if the person is particularly stingy. Make sure to keep the letters and make a sufficient number of copies in case the person

tries to draw up a case against you as a thief.

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STAY AT HOME WITH THE SNIFFLESA Kimberly-Clark report found 94% of workers admit-ted they still turn up for work when experiencing cold and flu symptoms. Of these 85% think about the risk of pass-ing on their illness to colleagues but go in anyway. Sev-enty five percent like sudoku and speak a small amount of spanish. If you absolutely must go into work with an ill-ness, wear a gas mask, a full plastic romper suit that can be replaced by a fresh one at regular periods throughout the day. Also paint a big red cross on your chest and carry a bugle to make quick and regular announcements on the current symptoms you are experiencing and the stage at

which your illness is.

‘PRINTER ETIQUETTE’Be mindful of others printing needs. Give preferential treatment to workers printing diagrams, pie charts and

pictures of Mrs Blobby.

MONITOR YOUR SPEAKING VOLUMEPeople tend to speak louder on a mobile phone, so make sure you speak even louder. Taking a call from a friend at your desk? No-one wants to hear sob stories about being dumped but they don’t mind hearing about escapades, daring escapes, monkeyshines, supernatural happenings

and Bovril.

ASK BEFORE BORROWINGIf you want to borrow someone’s stapler etc make sure you write a formal letter to them detailing the exact uses you intend for the item, how long exactly you will require the item for and any other information you deem neces-sary. Post the letter and wait for a letter in response seal-ing the deal. You may need to offer a borrow in return if the person is particularly stingy. Make sure to keep the letters and make a sufficient number of copies incase the

person tries to draw up a case against you as a thief.

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Forever Fish

Patty...Ask Ask Patty...

I was just wondering if you could help me with a little problem that has recently started to ensnare my life? It began 4 weeks, three days, 17 hours, 23 minutes and 16, 17, 18 seconds ago. It began in Africa, well Lynx Africa deodorant actually. I was watching telly and saw this documentary about a chap who invented a smelly that could attract ‘tractive birds, had ‘em following him everywhere. Then I spotted it in 2 Pound Land and thought bingo I’m in tonight. So, I had a wash and changed me socks and let blast with a can in each hand, I stunk proper! So, I’m down me local, leaning on the snooker table when this bird walks by. She stopped and looked at me, and she looked again on her way back from the pisser, so it’s working. Time for a fag, out I pop into the smoking lean to and that’s when it started, I light me fag and went up like a helium bal-loon. I came round with 95% first-degree burns, do you think I should change my deodorant or persevere?Bernard, Bishops Itchington

Dearest Bernard, I have come up against similar problems myself and I have come to learn they stem from one evil, 2 Pound Land. Find a more reputable deodorant dealer and your quids in, excuse the pun. I find 3 Pound Land stocks much more satisfying products. Hope this helps and the burns are healing well.

Dear Patty, Dear Patty,

Dear Patty,I think I am turning into a kidney bean. I am finding myself more attracted to chilli than my girlfriend and my favourite pass time in rolling myself up in the duvet and pretending to be in a pod, any suggestions?Robert, Giggleswick, North Yorkshire

This could well be a phase my dear, I wouldn’t worry too much. Although it has been known for people to turn into vegetables. Avoid chopping boards and simmering pans they may tip you over the edge.

I am worried about my cat Philip. He has always been a little odd, digging holes and hiding my spoons the tinker! But recently his maneuvers have become decidedly covert. He has been scratching hieroglyphics into my pine furniture, reading self-help books and pointing at me with his tail when he thinks I am not looking. Do you think he has joined a cult? Freida, Peas Pottage, Sussex

That does sound to me suspiciously like the working of a covert cat you have on your hands. In which case my best advice is to avoid eye contact and when he next goes out board up his cat flap. Cult covert cats are the worse kind, you’ll be playing host to a kitty mass suicide before you can say ‘Philips an axe murdering skat cat’ and you don’t want to be cleaning up after that.

I work long night shifts and recently I have been returning home to find the light switches in my house have moved. At first I thought it was mildly amusing but I am now finding it frustrating and annoying. Who do you suspect is doing this? I live alone apart from my collection of teapots and garden pitch forks. I suppose it could be them but they’re usually nice. Apart from the one time a pitch fork punched me in the face but I wouldn’t call it domestic violence it was basically my fault for standing on him.Ramona, Ham and Sandwich, Kent

Well this does sound like quite a pickle you are in there dear. As if coming home in the dark wasn’t bad enough, but to add salt to the wound you are being fooled around by your electrical appliances! I am finding it hard to understand who would want to commit such an act. Do you own any garden gnomes? Because from personal experi-ence I know they can be destructive little loafers.

Got a problem you would like me to mull over? My 18 years of botheration brows-ing has gave me the ability to help you with anything from business difficulties, relationship problems, work embarrassment, black magic, witch craft or oddly

shaped body part phobias. If you need my help drop me a line any time at:

55 DESPERATION ROAD, HELPINGSCOTE M3 PLS

Dear Patty,Dear Patty,In the past few months, I have developed a debili-tating addiction. It involves removing the buttons from TV remote controls and stuffing them in my belly button. It is taking over my life. I can no longer visit friends and family as they know what I am going round for and have become increasingly suspicious of me. I have even found myself entering well-known electrical stores and stealing remotes to feed my addiction. My favourite button is AV and I am scared they may become extinct the way I’m carrying on, I don’t know where to turn, help!Anon, Apes Hall, Norfolk

Oh my! How dreadful this must be for you and your family, I can only hope that my reply reaches you before an overdose. It sounds to me like a bad case of ‘Reemotovo ovoloado’ more commonly known as ‘habitual belly button stuffing syndrome’. You should consult your GP immediately for remedial therapy sessions.

You come across a land-dwelling, air-breathing salmon. He is obviously drunk and has an evil glint in his eye. He is trying to coax a chicken into a vacant telephone box. What is your first reaction?

Telephone box inter-species gang bang? I’ll have some of that action! I’ll bring crisps…

That salmon clearly needs to experience the works of the philosopher Socrates. I will lend him my paperback copy.

I’m afraid of land-dwelling salmonand chickens so the thought ofthe two together in a phone box sends me running straight into Dixons where I calm my nerves by sitting awhile amid the kitchen appliances.

You keep your head down and walk on. Salmons can be highly nasty and volatile creatures who can say some very hurtful things, especially whilst drunk. You pray for the chicken’s well-being when you get home.

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What is your favourite of the following colours?

At a carnival, a travelling French weightlifter offers you some items in exchange for your big toe on your left foot. You explain that you would rather keep your toe thanks very much so he closes his eyes and begins to chant. A chant to which the words sound remarkably like ‘Banana, banana, I wrap myself within your shiny skin and cover my ears with Brylcreem’. He then tells you that the angels wish for you to have a gift anyway. You choose…

You arrive at a popular fast food drive in to order a large Big Mac meal with cola. The keeper of the burgers informs you that there is no cola left. Your reaction is:

No cola!? This is an outrage of the highest order! I shall be informing the RSPCA as I was going to feed the Bulgarian turkey-ducks that are currently frequenting my local park and now I shall have to go elsewhere to purchase my sugary beverage, which means I shall have less time and some ducks may go hungry. And you, sir, are whom I am holding personally responsible.

I shall have a Fanta instead. Yeeah, Fanta is nice, in fact it’s better! Thank you, kind burger keeper for without your intervention I would never have enjoyed fizzy orange satisfaction on this day.

Tears, stamping, arm waving, incoherent ranting and embarrassing, unexpected flatulence.

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Chutney

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Sausage

The pig hat

A selection of mild English cheeses

A bottle of his mother’s home brew, named ‘Oxen Musk’

A steering wheel from a Mk1 Fiat Panda

That’s OK. I will have another burger, but instead of the burger, I’ll have an extra gherkin — a whole one, not a slice. Thank you.

Complete the sentence: In my spare time, out of the following, I would rather…

Dig a hole in my garden or local nature reserve and sit inside it all day, on a deckchair, sipping on cold tea and dreaming dreams of summers past.

Go to my local military museum and re-enact battles of yesteryear using any available relics. (Battling the security guards as they attempt to escort me from the building).

Play a death-defying funny prank on a friend or loved one possibly involving electricity, heights, poisoning or any combination of the three.

Talk to the animals. Like usual.Turn the page to discover your inner gardening tool..

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Like the spade, you are long and thin with a wide, square bottom. Metaphorically speaking, of course. You are a natural muck-spreader so maybe you should think twice next time you’re tempted to share that bit of juicy gossip with a neighbour or co-worker. You are a simple person, but nonetheless you try your hardest at every task that you undertake, successful or not (not). You probably will never marry, which is a shame, but take heart in the fact that you have the gift of talking to animals, who will be your life-long companions.

You, my friend, are a dirty hoe. You enjoy delving about in mucky and often sticky situations, making a mess and indulging in fits of general uncleanliness. You are easily led and will often find yourself atop an ice cream van wielding a brightly coloured baton (or similar) as the result of a dare. You might as well just go along with this sort of thing though anyway as it will boost your popularity tenfold, even if it is for the wrong reasons. Your favourite cake is the Battenberg and if you disagree then I’m afraid you are lying to yourself

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You are a noisy, energetic individual. Your big mouth makes you highly unpopular with friends (if you indeed have any) and colleagues alike. You will not have noticed this, however, because you are far more interested in the sound of your own voice. Nevertheless, you are extremely talented in the ancient craft of sandwich making — use this to your advantage to win over those who fiercely dislike you including your own parents. Your disposition suits you to careers including, but not limited to, Town Crier, Hobo, Pastry Chef, Lollipop Lady and Drug Mule.

Unstable, lacking in direction, meandering and bulky — the wheelbarrow, that’s you. Lovable and dependable, you always put other’s needs before your own. Except for yogurt needs, its dog eat dog in the yogurt steaks and nobody knows this better than you do. When times are hard just remember that in all situations, at all times, you know better than your adversaries. Show them this by means of a sharp blow to the skull with a ruler or similar and vehemently deny any allegations of assault that may be made against you as a result.

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This diary will change your life 2009 - BenrikSuffer from insipid dullness and a general stench of boring bastard? Get this book and become the person you always wanted to be in 2009. Follow the instructions within and you may be called ‘a complete dingle swozza’ or something along those lines but you will also become considerably more interesting and you won’t even need to be interesting enough to figure out how. Personal Favourites include:

Swear Week• Squatting Week• Mutiny Week• Find suspicious activity and report it week•

How to Fossilise Your Hamster - Mick O’HareEver wanted to know how to weigh your own head? Well I have and this book explains how. But that is basically the only good thing about it, unless you’re interested in basic nonsen-sical experimentation around the home, in which case this book is for you. I found it difficult to figure out who it is aimed at but I came to the conclusion that it is for people I have never had the pleasure of encountering, thankfully. It does make an excellent Christmas gift for someone you hate or it can be used as an effective door wedge.

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Random Acts of Kindness - Danny Wallace and his Karma ArmyThis book is awesome, it has the capacity to make you cry, laugh and generally become a better and more thought-ful person. We all need a bit of that. Partaking in a small act of kindness may seem insignificant but it goes a long way to restoring faith in humanity and it can make the difference between a dreadful and very nice day for the receiver or the giver. Personal favourites include:

Buy a pensioner an ice cream• Wish an astronaut good luck• Resist the urge to kill• Don’t club seals• Foil a robbery• Learn how to use a toilet brush•

Bollocks to Alton Towers, Uncommonly British Days Out - Robin Halstead, Jason Hazeley, Alex Morris & Joel MorrisThis is more of a tour guide to the UK than a book. I found it was researched to an excellent standard, informative, rivet-ing and compelling. If you haven’t yet visited the attractions within then you’re not even nearly close to understanding the joy you have been missing. I for one have enjoyed many a day out at The Cumberland Pencil Museum and it is not just the worlds biggest pencil that will keep you entertained here. You will be filled with more pencil related information than you thought worldly possible.

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A selection of fantastically brain teasing conundrums designed to amuse by presenting difficulties to be solved with ingenuity or patient effort, now get puzzling you bunch of great apes.

Believe it or not, there are no less than seven subtle differences between these two images. If you can spot all of them then you really are very

observant indeed!

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All your favourite words encapsulated within a convenient grid. See how many you can sniff out you word hound!

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These rogue items have become displaced from their comrades, help them reconnect with a simple yet effective line.

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Help Master Squirrel to relocate his lipstick that he misplaced on a particularly heavy

night on the nuts

Party too hard this month and you will find you have become a bad taste in the mouth of your hangover. Keep your friends close and your enemies at a substantial distance. Join a master-class of modern storytelling and become the interesting person you’ve always thought you were. Seek out the teapot of harmony, it will bring you inner peas.

Sagittarius November 23 - December 22

This month will bring brilliant things for the Capricorn, your ruling planet Mars is in conjunction with Jupiter - which is good. This means you’ll be skipping on rainbows by Wednesday. But be careful not to trip, if you fall off a rainbow you fall into the fiery pits of oblivion, never to return. Avoid umbrellas, covert cats and Thai wood. Invest in garage doors, you’ll have guaranteed profitability within two years.

Capricorn December 23 - January 20

This month expect religious revelation and an imbalance in stomach acid as the general outlook. Pretend to be an ancient Greek god at work, give out advice in a god like way and take orders from no lower being. Commandeer the photocopier as your ‘direct messaging service to the heavens’ let no one near it and if they try, throw golden bricks at them. Learn a new language and use it while out and about, if people don’t understand shout at them like a Brit abroad.

Aquarius January 21 - February 19

This month is all about new beginning. Launch yourself down a hill, cover yourself in honey and parade down the street in your underwear. Start things but don’t finish them. Avoid libraries and loose paper. Find a new friend in a bakery on the 19th; they will be buying 4 sausage rolls and an iced bun, approach them and strike up a conversation about pastry, it will bloom into a wonderful jam filled alliance.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

The All-seeing Mandrill is Watching You

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This month will bring brilliant things for the Capricorn, your ruling planet Mars is in conjunction with Jupiter - which is good. This means you’ll be skipping on rainbows by Wednesday. But be careful not to trip, if you fall off a rainbow you fall into the fiery pits of oblivion, never to return. Avoid umbrellas, covert cats and Thai wood. Invest in garage doors, you’ll have guaranteed profitability within two years.

Capricorn December 23 - January 20

This month you will find solace in biscuits and paper craft. It’s likely you will be feeling the pull of the three quarter moon, which will mostly leave you feeling three quarters full, a biscuit should do. Paper craft is a creative way to let out excess emotion and avoid making other people listen to you drivel on about your mundane and trivial excuses for problems. Try writing them down on a piece of paper and then using the paper as bog roll. Avoid food in the shape of a triangle, in particular diary-lea and that does include the cheap supermarket alternatives, for it may bring triangular shaped mortal peril.

Aries March 21 - April 20

This could well be a very good month for Taurians; the moon is turning 7 degrees towards Saturn on the eve of the 12th day, which puts you in the 5th house of Aquarius. This represents anguish and road safety. If you knock 4 times and recite ‘My 7th cracker is a Ritz biscuit, which technically is a cracker unconvincingly disguised as a biscuit’, in a convincing tone you be welcomed into the house and will enjoy a month of tomfoolery and joviality. If you are rejected, expect a month of disappointment peppered with despair and a topping of disappointment. So this month could go either way actually.

Taurus April 21 - May 21

To truly understand what is happening in your chart this month I feel that you must allow yourselves to become unshackled from your daily restraints. Try to do everything upside down, and I don’t mean in the metaphorical sense. Become a Freegan and eat from bins whenever possible. Beware of people’s advice which will be in abundance this month, they are highly likely to be trying to kill you or seriously maim you at least.

Gemini May 22 - June 21

This month the moon is in Uranus which signifies big change and ultimately a great sense of discomfort. Be wary of boiling kettles and the colour orange. Don’t frolic on golf courses, and avoid all that is frivolous and care free. Find comfort in a dark room with a luke warm drink. Eat nettles and spiced chicken for good luck and prosperity.

Cancer June 22 - July 23

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Your communication skills are heightened this month. This doesn’t mean you can convince people to do your evil bidding, but you may be able to negotiate some extra gravy or a bigger portion at dinner. Grin wildly at passers by and wait around corners to frighten relatives, they will thank you for it. Avoid Brazilians carrying pencils. Love may be in the stars, you will meet a dark, mysterious person in the frozen isle. Be wary though, if they are buying fish cakes this is considered an extremely bad omen when Pisces is in conjunction with Jupiter.

Virgo August 24 - September 23

With your sun sign in retrograde this month its spells out a general mood of despondency, you’re likely to come across as moody and irrational when interacting with other people. Buy your friends, partner and work colleagues red herrings and tell them to slap you with them when you’re bringing them down, this will immediately cheer themup and remind you not to be such a monotonous, prophet of doom.

Libra September 24 - October 23

The theme of this month will be losing things, but the house and sign placement of the 2nd ruler usually give a clue to the location of the lost object. The lost item will usually be found if it’s ruler is in retrograde and/or applies to a favourable aspect with the owner’s ruler. A Void of Course Moon often means that the lost item will be found. Hope that helps. If not keep your possessions tied to a long piece of rope hung loosely around your neck. Find happiness in the blue door.

Scorpio October 24 - November 22

Leo July 24 - August 23With Mercury, your ruling planet, firmly placed on the cusp of Capricorn a sense of mixed feelings and nausea will plague the Leo this month. Counteract these feelings by taking up basket weaving or start a collection of novelty ties. You will encounter an air of uncertainty which will follow you around like the foul smell of treading on something bad, wipe it firmly on someone’s grassy verge and make that decision because the moons position suggests it can’t be worse than the ones you normally make. Despite popular advice, do run with the scissors.

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Answers

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JUst sAY nO

MiLD CHeese CAn CAUse iMPOtenCe, inFeRtiLitY AnD UnsiGHtLY HAiR LOss

MiLD CHeese,

Win a sausage basket

Thrilling interview with the inventor of the tooth pick

Manpigflu special

Giant gnome epidemic

Celebrity lookalikes

Scary crabs from around the world

Free cross stitch pattern

The many offences of Prince Philip

plus many more arousing features

Next Issue

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