Practical Parenting Encouragements

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in 'Not So Easy' LessonsFive

By: Dr. Boyd Chitwood

“The toughest

job you’ll

ever love.”

Parenting

HeadmasterCambridge Christian School

PParentingractical

“Being a parent is the toughest job you'll ever love.” It's a common

saying because all of us have faced moments when we struggle and

have asked God for wisdom in doing what is right for our children.

“Practical Parenting Encouragements” is a collection of five thoughtful

articles by our Headmaster, Dr. Boyd Chitwood, reprinted from

Cambridge Christian School’s publication “The Spirit.” In them you will

find practical advice on knowing your child deeply, being active and

decisive parents, exploring your child's hidden talents, exercising

forgiveness and understanding God's vision for your family.

We hope you will find this an insightful and encouraging reference.

Thank you so much for being a part of the Cambridge Christian School

Family.

Advancement

Cambridge Christian Schoo

Marty Hillier

l

It's Been Said

Let's start with a reality check: Parenting is hard. God's graceand guidance are essentials for doing it well. If you don't startwith that realization, a failing performance is likely just aroundthe corner. Parenting takes us beyond ourselves on a dailybasis – beyond our abilities, our insights, our patience, ourenergy, our selfish interests – you name it.

But if you are honest with yourself that it's hard, and humblewith the Lord that you need Him daily in the challenge, thenit's very encouraging to remember that it's not a performanceat all. We perform and are graded when we walk in our ownstrength. Walking dependent on the Lord and His love for usand for our children, we're not in a graded performance, but agrace-gifted opportunity. But no self-delusion here -- thereality is that it's still hard.

We, as fellow parents, can be there for each other to give'tips' and encouragement along the way. This is in no wayintended to be a comprehensive view of parenting. Instead,it's just a few lessons from scripture and experience whichmight be of a little help. And, by the way, they are things thattend to come up fairly often in a school setting.

Be students of your children. While we begin by committingour children to the Lord, the very next thing is to commit toknow our kids. Knowing them is a great remedy for trying torewind our own lives and live through our children. Knowingthem is a great occasion for seeing how “fearfully andwonderfully made” our gifts from God really are.

Know them not vaguely or generally or only compared to myown experience or in ways that they're like me or unlike me oras graded by external performance challenges. Seek toknow the hearts that are uniquely their own. Is my child shy orcompetitive or a lot like me or an A/B student? Those can bepart of knowing my son or daughter, but there's so muchmore.

EncouragementNumber 1

Being Students Of Our Children

What can I learn from Gary Chapman's Love Languages?How does my child 'hear' love? Is it best communicated tomy child by quality time spent together or by physical touch orby words of affirmation or by acts of service or by gifts thatshow my thought about them and knowledge of them?

As David asks of God (Ps. 139:23) “Search me, O God, andknow my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts,” let'sask the Lord to show us about our own children. Howanxious or how peaceful is their heart of hearts? Do they seetests and traps all around them, or do they more naturallyfloat their way through the day? To the one I speak more ofthe Lord's peace and welcoming love while to the other I

might offer more encouragements to seeGod's purpose and call. The message isnot just “relax” or “get a move on;” themessage is to see God in absolutelyevery one of life's challenges andopportunities.

As they're a little older, I may come to see that my child viewsthe world through a particular lens. He might compare lifeand the world to how they “ought” to be, judging by this grid ofexpectation. He might see each day as an occasion toperform, well or poorly. He might view most everythingthrough the lens of relationships, always seeking to connectand be together. He might be wired to get stuff done bymotivating others. He might like to see things happen andlive to make a difference, sometimes for good andsometimes not. He might live much of his life in his ownthoughts, delving deeply but sometimes connecting onlyoccasionally.

There are tests and profiles to guide some of this, but the keyis not getting the psychology just right. The point is to 'get' theperson who my child is. And to 'get' them, I need to belistening to them and caring about them each and every day.That's not really a bad start at all for the sort of relationshipswe all hope to have in our lives -- with our parents, ourchildren and with others.

Being Students Of Our Children

The point isto 'get' the personwho my child is.

Sure, “parent” is a noun, and also an adjective, but goodparenting calls us often to remember that “parent” is a verb,and not a passive one at that. Let’s listen in on a couple ofProverbs which make clear how vital our active parenting canbe.

“My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline, and do notresent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those heloves, as a father the son he delights in.” (Proverbs 3:11-12,New International Version) That’s the reminder to receiveGod’s discipline as the loving care which it is.

We also have a very direct admonition to discipline our ownchildren: “Discipline your children while you still have thechance; indulging them destroys them.” (Proverbs 19:18,The Message)

As parents, we know it’s not a popularity contest, yet it cansure be difficult sometimes to know the ire our children mayshow us if we actively parent, limit, direct and discipline them– to know that ire and keep our resolve to act in lovingdiscipline. Take heart that this discipline, when pursued in agodly way, will bring confident love and secure peace in ourchildren.

Discipline in relationship and intimate knowledge of our kids;otherwise, we are likely to “exasperate” (Ephesians 6:4) and“embitter” (Colossians 3:21) them. But, taking thesecautions to heart, we are still supposed to discipline. Expectthem to be unhappy about it fairly often. Accept that youwon’t do it perfectly or make every decision with the wisdomof Solomon. Get the good counsel of other parents who’vebeen there and who are there, but don’t be sucked intoreplacing parental judgment with opinion surveys.

While always being loving and always listening, be preparedto be intrusive and controlling, too. Make decisions about TV


“Parent” Is A Verb

and music and media usage. Stick by them while also beingwilling to learn and adapt over time as your child grows.When it comes to cell phones and texting and Facebook andall sorts of connection, our children need godly teaching fromand time with their parents so much more than they need anytechnology. Help children to understand and come to owndecisions in these areas, but be willing to be the bad guy whoplaces the limit in the first place.

What will homework and chores be likeat your house? When, where and withwhom will your children be allowed to“hang out?” Is dating a given or adecision?

In closing, please remember that activeparenting is not mainly about the don’ts. It is the do’s of loveand time and play and affection and joy and reading andserving and laughing and exploring and learning andteaching. But, if you’re not willing to stand up for the limits ofdon’ts, then don’t expect there to be time or relationshipavailable to enjoy the do’s.

“Parent” Is A Verb

We knowit’s not

a popularitycontest.

This third installment of a series on Practical ParentingEncouragements focuses on probably the easiest to say andhardest to do among the five. Forgiveness is the topic.There is so much of good parenting, psychological well-being, and the core of spiritual life wrapped within its richlayers.

Certainly children learn some of what they want to be asparents from their own, as well as learning some of what theydon’t want to be. But ironically, the more they don’t want torepeat the way they were parented, the more likely it is thatthey will do so. These are the cycles of dysfunction and sin inthe life of a family, be it outright abuse or just immature andself-centered parenting.

So when we fail in our parenting, we cannot dismiss it assimply the ‘stuff’ our children will learn not to do with their ownkids. BUT, this does not mean we pretend that we can domost everything right as we relate to our children. We’rehuman, we’re sinful, we fail. That’s where asking forforgiveness comes in.

Think what we model for our kids when we ask forgiveness:at a young age, it’s good for them to know that their model foreverything is not perfect; as they get older, it’s good for themto know that we know we aren’t perfect, because theycertainly know it. Also, we show them what to do aboutmistakes – sure, work to learn from them and correct whatyou can but, even more, know that you can be forgiven. Theymust know that for themselves.

There’s not ‘pretend’ perfection; there’s not a sentence intothe bondage of performance as the basis of my worth andvalue as a person; there’s not a relational standard set wherewe have to treat each other just right or relationship will bebroken. Relationships are maintained through humility,grace and forgiveness.

Forgiveness: Ask And Offer


Forgiveness: Ask And Offer

And there’s our witness to our relationship with God. If ourchildren never see repentance and forgiveness in theirinteraction with us, they can still understand it from God, butit’s a much tougher road to follow when parents haven’t evenbegun to show the way.

Finally, what sort of forgiveness do we offer to our children?We can be so easily tempted to hold it over them, to passivelyaggressively manipulate them, to withhold our own full loveand affection and delight as a carrot and stick to prod for goodbehavior. But, in the simplest terms, it doesn’t work and itfails to follow the loving example of our God.

“But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While wewere still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Rom. 5:8) “For it is by

grace you have been saved, throughfaith – and this not from yourselves, itis the gift of God” (Eph. 2:8) To offerforgiveness means to freely give it. Ifour children don’t fully receive it, theymiss much of the power and healingwhich forgiveness brings. But ouroffer is not contingent upon them

earning it. Revelation 10 shows us that Satan is the one whorevels in accusing. God loves and forgives, even to the pointthat He paid the price for sin in the gift of His Son on theCross.

To keep the whole picture in mind, God disciplines and allowsconsequences for our sin, but when it comes to satisfying Hisultimate justice, His love for us moves Him to make thesacrifice Himself which we are unable to make. As parents,we lovingly allow our children to experience consequencesof their choices, but we give ourselves for our children’sgood, paying the price which they are unable to pay.

Forgiveness, asked for and offered freely. For the good ofour children, and the glory of our God!

Thinkwhat we model

for our kids whenwe ask forgiveness:

This topic in the series doesn’t always come up in parentingmanuals. The key in this topic is not the amount of motivation,but the type. External or internal? Extrinsic or intrinsic?

Many parenting books and teacher training programs don’tseem to care where motivation for children and studentscomes from, just as long as it can be used to move themalong. There’s a psychological theory called Behaviorismpropounded most influentially by B.F. Skinner which arguesthat people are only the sum total of stimulus and response,doing more of what gets a positive response and less of whatgets a negative one. Not many of us would want to accept atheory that says the heart and motive don’t matter, butsometimes our strategies of motivation say just that.Perhaps too often, we reward and punish only to get thebehavior we want from our children.

Let’s explore the Bible’s view on this. “…Man looks on theoutward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (1Sam. 16:7b) “…the Lord searches every heart andunderstands every motive behind the thoughts…” (1 Chron.28:9) And a prophetic word goes straight to the point: “Rendyour heart and not your garments,” (Joel 2:13) making clearthat God will count repentance as the honest action of theheart rather than an external response of hypocrisy. So,motives do matter.

But do godly motives mean that reward cannot beconsidered? Let’s check the Bible’s word on this, too.“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working forthe Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive aninheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christyou are serving.” (Col. 3:23-24) Paul speaks of his ownmotivation: “I press on toward the goal to win the prize forwhich God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” (Phil.3:14) Pursuing God’s reward is a godly motive, though wealso grow in the sort of self-giving love with which God hasfirst loved us: “…Love each other as I have loved you.

Motivation


Motivation

Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his lifefor his friends.” (Jn. 15: 12-13)

How do we practice that? How do we parent and teach withGod’s objectives in mind? Punishment and reward arecertainly part of it. These, and the behaviors they discourageand encourage, are never an end in themselves, though. Weare always to be teaching and modeling and encouragingthat the Lord’s will, call, pleasure, presence and glory are ourdesires and our rewards.

Certainly, just attaching an admonition to “obey God” towhatever we want our children to do will teach them littlemore than to limit God to the size and purity of our own hearts,to their detriment and ours. Also, though, manipulating

behavior by candy and gifts andmoney and praise – both withheldand given out in miserly proportions– exalts the desired action as theideal along with trinkets and triflingapproval as the glorious reward.That our children see through this

farce is the best thing about it.

In just a word or two, excellence and achievement can beintrinsic, God-honoring rewards along the way with thepleasure and glory of God as the prize for which we are calledheavenward in Christ Jesus. A gift or a grade aren’t badthings in the process, but they are never the ultimate forwhich we want our children to strive. To fulfill God’s designand answer God’s call is the passion and fire of a life lived inlight of eternity. As we model and teach this to our children,we are giving them a gift greater than any bauble they couldpick up in the quest.

Do godly motivesmean that

reward cannotbe considered?

VisionThis last installment is about vision. What is our vision forparenting? What is our vision for our children?

What might it be? Does a mom want her daughter to grow upto be a doctor? Does a dad want his son to join him in thefamily business? Do I want my child to have athleticsuccesses which I had, or ones I didn't have? Do you dreamof academic or artistic successes for your child? Do we wanthim to be happy or popular or well-to-do or admired or anynumber of other laudable possibilities?

What if our objective as parents is to pursue the fullness ofGod's created intent for our children? Are these just vaguewords, or might they make a life-giving difference for mychild?

The first installment in this series of parenting articles dealtwith being a student of my child, knowing deeply who he isuniquely. This is pursuing the fullness of God's created intentfor my child. The second article talked about parenting as averb, being active and decisive and sometimes unpopular inmy willingness to limit and direct my child. The connectionhere is that God's plan for my child is not revealed orencouraged by passing whims and foolish freedoms. God'splan is truly freeing, but it is a course of discipline andintentionality. As a parent, I look for and help my child look forhis unique gifts and interests and abilities. I lead him topursue this divine design, rather than just go with the flow ofpassing desires or the pounding waves of peer pressure.

The third article was about encouraging intrinsic motivationfor our children. Exploring and nurturing exactly who Godmade them to be is a search for just that kind of motivation.The fourth article focused on asking for and extendingforgiveness. Any pursuit of God's design for my child mustprominently include an appreciation of the thoroughgoingand deeply rooted character of God's grace. The Lord'screated intent for my child includes a huge measure ofunderstanding grace offered in Jesus Christ.


Vision

Pursuing the fullness of God's created intent for my child isnot just a repetition of all these other points, but rather a planof action through which they are realized. It is vitally importantto understand that this pursuit is not an obstacle courseplotted by a cruel creator. God is not waiting with traps whenmy child and I waiver from perfect recognition of the path.Instead, this is a path of discovery, finding the gifts of grace inpersonality and ability, aptitude and attitude which the Lordhas liberally given to my child as His loving creation.

Proverbs 22:6 says “Train a child in the way he should go,and when he is old he will not turn from it.” Numerous biblicalcommentators explain “the way he should go” as more an

individual, godly design than ageneral way of righteousness.The Bible certainly teachesbroad categories of right livingaccording to God's will, but italso tells of God's good plansfor us and His loving creation ofus. See, too, Ephesians 4 and

Romans 12 and 1 Corinthians 12 for explicit teaching on ourunique gifting and design.

God's design for my child has multiple facets like a diamondready to be discovered in its full beauty. The pursuit of that fullbeauty is the awesome calling God gives us in the incredibleprivilege of parenting.

What if our objectiveas parentsis to pursue

the fullness ofGod's created intentfor our children?

Dr. Boyd Chitwood has served in Christian school and churchministry for 30 years, obtaining a Masters in Theology fromVanderbilt University and an Ed.D. from the University ofArkansas at Little Rock. He is in his fifth year as Headmasterat Cambridge Christian School and previously served LittleRock Christian Academy as Head of School for 13 years in aperiod of school growth and campus expansion, withenrollment rising from near 300 students to over 1200students in a decade.

Dr. Chitwood and his wife Chrissy are the parents of fourchildren, ages 23, 21, 19 and 17. Through ministry, trainingand education, but mostly through God's grace and the dailylessons of family and school life, Dr. Chitwood is grateful forthe challenges and encouragements about parenting whichthe Lord has provided.

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Practical Parenting Encouragements