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About Positive Discipline
Positive Discipline is a program developed
by Dr. Jane Nelsen. It is based on the work
of Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs and
designed to teach young people to become
responsible, respectful and resourceful
members of their communities.
All writers for COMPASS have been
trained and certified through the Positive
Discipline Association, a non-profit organ-
ization dedicated to creating respectful re-
lationships in homes and schools.
COMPASS—Positive Discipline
E-Zine
Editorial Director
Ariadne Brill
Copyright 2016
Distribution and/or reproduction of all materials
without prior consent of each individual contributor is
a violation of copyright. For reprint permission of ar-
ticles, please contact individual contributors directly.
This publication is not for sale or resale.
The materials contained herein are intended as educa-
tional and informational materials only. Materials are
not a substitute for counseling or mental health ser-
vices and not provided as such.
If you are concerned about your child’s health and
development please contact your health provider.
WINTER 2016-2017
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This is my new favorite source for trusted parent-ing information, for my own family and for my
counseling clients. –Leanne M.
I always look forward to reading a new issue. Thank you for this amazing magazine. –Tim L.
Send us your feedback and
questions. We would love
to hear from you. EMAIL: [email protected]
Cooking and Connecting Your Way Through the Holiday Season
Sharing Household Responsibilities is A Super Idea.
Finding the Magic of Elf on the Self
The Seven Parenting Tools That Helped Me Be A Happier Dad
One Question To Ask your Child for Better Behavior
Help Your Child Listen, Think & Act Without Nagging or Yelling
6 Tips for Peaceful, Cooperative Sibling Relationships
Don’t Believe The Holiday Hype
Fostering Holiday Giving & Gratitude
What Children Are Really Saying When You Hear “It’s Not Fair”
Q & A with Positive Discipline Educators and Trainers
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A Little Bit of Back Talk
In This Issue
Cooking and Connecting Your Way Through the Holiday Season
By Amy Knobler
Connection Before Correction is a pow erful Positive Discipline m antra. It ’s an important one to remember when your holiday pot roast has just slipped out of your hands and is skidding across the kitchen floor, because your pre-schooler threw you off balance by hanging on your leg while throwing a tantrum. (Yes, something similar hap-pened to me!)
Connection Before Correction rem inds us of one of the m ost significant tools we have for addressing challenging behavior: the quality of our relationship with our kids. When our kids feel safely connected to us, we can guide and support them with fewer conflicts and power struggles.
Let’s be honest — maintaining connection can be especially hard during times of high stress.
And we’re heading into the holiday season, a particularly crazy time of year for most families. Parents may feel distracted, extra-busy and overwhelmed with social gatherings, work responsibilities, family drama and shopping for
“Cooking holiday
dishes together
helps kids discover
how capable they
are.”
5
gifts. They often find their kids becoming in-creasingly whiney, needy or oppositional at the same time. Kids feed off our stress! The less con-nected they feel to us, the more they react with challenging behavior.
How do we counter this amped-up whining and acting out?
By spending time really connecting with our kids. When life gets nutty, connection is calming and fortifying for everyone. I find it relaxing to spend time engaged with my daughter in activi-ties that teach life skills while building our rela-tionship. Most often, we cook together.
Cooking holiday dishes together helps kids dis-cover how capable they are and allows them to contribute something personal to special meals. When we feel really pressed for time, it’s so easy to default to “I’ll just do this myself, because it will take much less time than if I involve my kids.” I’m not going to argue with you. It will take more time to involve your kids! But it’s a worthwhile investment of your time. The payoff is huge — instead of getting into mischief or pushing your buttons, the kids will be occupied with some-thing constructive, creative and fun. You’ll also accomplish the task of preparing the dish you’re responsible for making for your holiday table. Perhaps it’s even a chance to begin a new holiday tradition, where the kids take on more cooking
responsibility for the same dish each year. It’s a great way for kids to feel ownership over an im-portant family task.
Here’s another way to bond with your kids during this busy time.
Think about something you normally buy pre-made from the grocery store, and in-volve your kids in making it from scratch. It can be an adventure for all of you, and the kids will feel deeply valued when you ask for their input on this cooking experiment.
It doesn’t have to be a hugely ambitious recipe.
Perhaps cranberry sauce? Many of us have a deep childhood fondness for the can-shaped molded cranberry sauce that’s so common on supermarket shelves. Others prefer a refrigerated variety usually found in deli con-tainers.
This year, I invite you to try making your own. You won’t believe how easy it is, or how deli-cious it tastes! It’s a chance to expose your kids to new flavors and ask for their creativity. When you make it
yourself, you can control the quality of the ingredients and play with flavor combina-tions. For the kids, it’s a magical process to watch whole, fresh cranberries burst as they com-bine with water and sugar, transforming into a shiny, thick sauce.
Fresh cranberries are generally found pre-packaged in plastic sacks in the produce sec-tion of the grocery store, and they almost al-ways have a simple sauce recipe on the back of the package. Generally, it’s a bag of cran-berries, water (or fruit juice) and sugar. That’s just the beginning. Ask your kids to think of some tasty addi-tions to flavor the sauce. You could throw in a cinnamon stick, or some dried fruits, or the zest of an orange, grapefruit or lime… it’s such a simple way for kids to put their stamp on something for the holiday table.
(This whole process takes only about 15 minutes. You can easily make it ahead of time and store it in the fridge, which helps take the pressure off your preparation the day of the meal. It tastes better the longer it sits!)
When we spend time with our communities, our friends, and our families in meaningful connection, we understand why we’re bend-ing over backwards to do all this holiday stuff in the first place. So whether you’re cooking with your kids or doing something else you enjoy together, re-member to look into their eyes, take in their smiles and breath deeply.
You can truly find some peace within the
holiday madness if you focus on connec-
tion.
Amy Knobler is a Certified Positive Discipline Parent Educator with a background as a personal chef. Amy created Cook to Connect to combine her love of positive parenting education with her passion for getting kids into the kitchen! Amy teaches parents how cooking with their kids can help transform everyday parenting challenges into opportunities for growth and connection in the family. To learn about Amy’s offerings for families, schools, and organizations, visit www.cooktoconnect.net.
AMY KNOBLER
7
I remember never having a clean the house when my children were young. And always feeling overwhelmed.
The kid’s stuff was strewn all over. The laundry was not done. There was uniden-tifiable stuff on the kitchen floor. Dust bunnies everywhere. My husband and I both worked full time outside the home. So it truly was an ex-hausting scramble to get food on the table and all of us in clean clothes.
Why is it just the parents’ job to keep a household running smoothly?
I now realize that we as a family are re-sponsible for the house, not just us par-ents. Our kids actually feel better when they contribute and feel a part of the house-hold, rather than being catered to. We as parents can share the responsibility with our kids, which helps them believe they are capable. There is also more peace and calm when we are all working togeth-er.
So how can we go about involving our kids without making them feel dumped on?
Get together as family, and make a list of all of the things that need to get done around the house.
A Super Idea for Raising Capable Children There are many benefits to sharing household
responsibilities with the whole family.
By Carol Dores
Include things like food shopping, making breakfast, lunch, dinner, mowing the lawn, laundry, dishes, feeding the cat, walking the dog, cleaning the bathrooms, vacuuming, etc.
Then talk about how it’s important that everyone living in the house is an important contributor to getting things done.
There are different ways of dividing up the list. You could each take turns saying what things you’d like to be responsible for. You could make a jobs wheel, and every week, you spin it to decide who is doing what job. You could put jobs on Popsicle sticks and put them in a jar, for each person to pick out.
The important part is to find a way for all to be involved and to make it fun.
It is important to take the time for training so everyone can feel good about what they are doing. For example, if one of the jobs that a 4 year old takes on is putting things away in the playroom, first work side by side to teach them where things belong. Then take pictures so they can visually see what it should look like when the playroom is clean.
It’s helpful to understand that our view and our chil-dren’s view of what a com-plete job looks like might be very different.
It’s important to think about encouraging our children, and we may need to work on letting go of some of our views. For example, if a 6 year old is setting the table, and the forks and knives are on the “wrong” side of the plate, does it really matter? Doing some things together can be fun, too! For example, having Saturday mornings designated as clean the house time, and take turns for the music you all listen to while you are doing it. Family meal preparation is another great way to help everyone feel a part of the family. First, sit down together and decide on the menu. Together then make up a food shop-ping list. Having everyone go to the grocery store, and either divide up the list or have a search and find game can make it fun. You can take a few minutes to teach children how to compare prices, and how to look for good quality in the food. Then work together to cook the meal. Some children like to get
9
Carol is the mother of two adult sons, and lives in Connecticut. She is a Certified Positive Discipline Parenting and Classroom Trainer and the co-founder of Positive Discipline of Connecticut. Carol is available to teach parenting classes and to bring Positive Discipline in to schools and classrooms. She is also co-chair of the Positive Discipline Association Board of Directors.
Carol Schilling Dores
creative with the presentation of the food. You can even take out the “fancy” dish-es if you have them to celebrate what you have all created together.
One question that comes up a lot is should allowance be tied to chores?
The answer based on Positive Discipline principles is no. Doing chores and being responsible for the house is being part of a family. We as par-ents don’t get allowances for doing things around the house, and neither should chil-dren. You can set aside time for each of you to be doing your part, and then enjoy a bowl of popcorn or ice cream together.
What we found was that one of our sons loved to cook. Another enjoyed mowing the lawn and more “heavy lifting” things. One hated bathrooms, and the other loved to have a shiny mirror. They both knew that if they wanted clean clothes, they had to do their laundry. One learned to iron because he did-n’t like wrinkled clothes.
When our children are asked to participate in the caring of the household, they learn to ap-preciate what they have. They will feel less entitled when they have to work for things. They also can feel success in their homes.
It’s amazing how capable our children can be…when we encourage them!
Finding the Magic of
Elf on the Shelf
11
What do you think about the Elf on the Shelf? By Casey O’Roarty
Everybody has an opinion about this creepy little guy that lives up
high where no one can touch him - love it or hate it, you can’t really get
away from it during the holiday season.
We received our elf as a gift from the grandparents (thanks Nana!) a
few years ago. Cute, I thought, a little more holiday magic. I opened
the package and read the story of the elf. This is when I realized that
this elf and I were going to have to come up with a new understanding.
If you aren’t familiar with the story, or if Christmas isn’t a holiday you celebrate, let
me fill you in.
The Elf on the Shelf is designed as a way to manipulate our kids into good behavior. It’s true! The
elf is place up high on a shelf and watches the kids all day – then, at night, goes up to the north
pole to report about their behavior to Santa.
Here is the thing, if humans could learn the skills they need to show up as easy-going, well adjust-
ed, emotionally healthy members of society by threats like that, we could close the prisons, and I
would be out of a job.
However, in the long term, threats like “you better not do that or you won’t get what you want”
just aren’t helpful (if you are thinking they are, reflect for a moment on how many times you have
to deliver threats to “motivate” your kids).
Children are doing the best they can with the skills they have. And to “punish” them for not
having skills just doesn’t make any sense.
Kids learn social/emotional life skills through teaching, modeling and practicing them over time.
That elf isn’t as magical as he is made out to be, people.
And, the Elf on the Shelf has taken on a life of his own, right? He is everywhere!! But good news,
you are the boss of your elf! You get to decide what he is all about! Maybe you even ditch the story
he came with and make up your own.
Here are four ideas about how to make Elf on
the Shelf a truly magical experience for your
family:
1. Keep the “no touch” rule and move him every night
tradition – if you want – this is cute and fun for your
children!
Threats like “you better not do that
or you won’t get what you want”
just aren’t helpful.
2. Instead of making mischief, have you elf do nice
things for the family during the night – bake some
muffins, leave a note of encouragement, offer advice
3. Celebrate how lucky your family is to have an elf that
wants to hang out with you during the day, then share
all the things he loves about you with Santa every night
4. Have the elf challenge your children with daily tasks
of kindness they can engage in each day
If this is the season for giving, not receiving, and all
about love and gratitude and togetherness, treat this
little, slightly creepy looking visitor as a vehicle for
deepening those values. Let him be an instigator for
good!
If you are totally over the Elf on the Shelf, check out
these alternatives:
The Dwarf in the Drawer
The Mensch on the Bench
The Kindness Elves
And if you truly enjoy the mischief your elf gets
into, and sharing it with all your friends – keep at
it! But remember, just as YOU are a model for the
behavior you wan to see, so is your elf.
Happy Holidays!
Casey O’Roarty, M.Ed. is a wife, mother, Certified Positive Discipline Trainer, and
Coach. She holds a BA in Sociology from the University of Arizona and earned her Masters
in Education from the University of Washington. She teaches parents and teachers how to
build stronger, more authentic relationships with themselves and the children in their lives.
Casey encourages grown ups to recognize and embrace the challenges of parenting as
opportunities to model, teach, and practice the skills we want our children to learn to
embody. Read more of her work and check out her online offers at www.joyfulcourage.com.
Casey O’Roarty, M.Ed.
JoyfulCourage10
Holiday Edition
Already feeling the stress of the holiday
season? Let me help!
The #JoyfulCourage10 – Holiday Edition
was designed to keep you grounded and
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planning, cooking and caring of the
holidays. It is a free 10 day program of
support and community to bring more
lightness, joy and ease to you and your
family.
Check it out and register at
http://www.joyfulcourage.com/jc10
13
B ecoming a full-time single father
was quite a shock for me at first!
Like most dads, I was much better
at being a relief pitcher. I would come home
from work, play with the kids, and maybe
read them a book before bed.
I also enjoyed coaching Little League teams
and helping with the other extracurricular
activities. But like most of the fathers I
knew, I would start to crumble if I was left
home alone with the kids for more than an
hour.
So when I first started parenting on my own,
I was completely overwhelmed.
Television became a thing of the past. My
golf game began to suffer, and folding
laundry became my new hobby.
And then about a month into this new
adventure I went through what I call single
parent boot camp—when the flu hit our
household with a vengeance.
Of course my kids didn’t get the flu bug at
the same time. Instead they each got the flu
about one week apart. So for three solid
weeks I was nursing kids back to health,
changing sheets, and cleaning up puke. And
then just when I thought the nightmare was
over, I got the flu!
The Seven Parenting Tools
That Helped Me Be A
Happier Dad By Brad Ainge
Suddenly I gained a new
perspective on single parenting.
Being a full-time single parent is
hard, but when you try to handle that
job with the flu, you realize that it
could be much, much worse. So from
that day forward I tried to have an
attitude of gratitude.
Parenting can be the most
rewarding job in the world. But,
it can also be the most
challenging.
That is why I embarked on a yearlong
adventure of implementing one
Positive Discipline tool per week.
This experiment gave me new
perspective on my relationship with
my children and how I could improve
my parenting skills.
Don’t be too hard on yourself.
The danger of starting something new
is that sometimes we raise our
expectations too high and become
frustrated when not everything is
perfect. A couple of times when I
first started using these tools, I found
myself expecting perfection from my
children, and my frustration with
them made things worse.
But when I changed my attitude and
focused on improvement, not
perfection, the atmosphere in our
home got much better.
Every family is different and every
child is different. It is important to
find what works for you and what
feels right to you. Use your intuition
and have fun!
7 Keys for Parenting in the Real World
1. Lower Your Expectations
This may seem like bad advice at
first. Why would we lower our
expectations? We want our children
to be the best they can be, and we
expect a lot from them. The problem
is not the expectations; it is our
attitude about them. If we expect
perfection, we will constantly be
disappointed and frustrated. There is
no such thing as a perfect child or
15
perfect parent. Focus on progress not
perfection.
2. Small Steps
Parenting is an ongoing process of
learning and growing, and so is
childhood. Take it one step at a time
and learn from your mistakes. Focus
on one parenting tool a week. You can
even involve your children and let
them help you improve your parenting
skills.
For example, one week you might
focus on the Positive Discipline tool
of “Listen”.
If you let your children know you will
be trying to listen more in the coming
week, you’ll be surprised how often
they will remind you to listen. And by
the end of the week, you will be a
better listener, and your children will
appreciate it.
If you would like to follow along
with our 52 Tools in 52 Weeks
program, visit: https://
www.positivediscipline.com/blog
3. Mistakes Are Opportunities To
Learn
The goal of Positive Discipline is the
long-term result of raising responsible
children who will become responsible
adults. Learning responsibility means
making a lot of mistakes along the
way.
One of the greatest gifts you can give
your children is a positive attitude
about mistakes. Teach your children
that mistakes are opportunities for
learning.
4. Connection Before Correction
When I first started applying the
Positive Discipline Tools in my home,
I was so focused on making the tools
“work” that I lost the most important
aspect of parenting—my relationship
with my children. When applying a
new parenting tool, remember the
ultimate goal is to create a
connection. Don’t get so focused on
the details of the parenting tools that
you lose sight of the big picture.
One of the greates t
g i f t s you can g ive
your chi ldren is a
posi t ive a t t i tude
about mis takes .
BRAD AINGE is a full-time single dad and part-time blogger. His hobbies include: laundry, dish washing, animal control, and referee for the occasional “He started it!” “No, she started it!” debate. His goal is to someday escape to a remote Scottish village and spend his days playing golf. He started blogging to share the unique experience of juggling the responsibilities of raising kids, dating, and earning a living. Brad is father to Kelsie, Gibson, and Emma, and CEO of Empowering People, publisher and distributor of many of the Positive Discipline products through www.positivediscipline.com.
Brad Ainge
5. Self-Care
Parenting can be stressful, and we
need to take breaks to fill our
emotional buckets. Not only do we
need breaks from our children, but
our children need breaks from us. In
the long run, when you take care of
yourself, you will be a better, more
patient parent.
As a single dad, I used to have
“parenting guilt” when I would get a
babysitter. Then one evening I
announced that the babysitter was
coming over so I could go out…and
my children cheered with joy! I
stopped feeling guilty after that and
realized the importance of taking a
break.
6. Get Organized
Children thrive with routines and
predictably. Find ways to get
organized and teach this skill to your
children. It doesn’t matter what
system you use, as long as you have a
system. Some people have a master
calendar on the refrigerator. Our
family has gone electronic with our
shared cell phone calendars. The
most important thing is that you have
a system that allows your household
to be organized.
7. Have Regular Family
Meetings
I cannot stress this enough. In my
opinion, this is the most important
parenting tool. Positive Discipline is
a solution focused parenting program
and family meetings provide the
perfect forum for finding solutions.
17
Have you ever taken your children some-where, let’s say to a restaurant, a park or a friend’s house, you think all is well and then suddenly, you are blindsided by rambunc-tious, “out-of-control” and/or uncooperative behavior?
The kind of behavior that seems to come out of nowhere?
The behavior that leaves you feeling at a total loss for what to do and how to handle it, espe-cially when all eyes are on YOU?
The kind that makes you want to run away and hide?
Yep, I’ve been there too! When I reflect on the times I’ve been in situa-tions like these, I realize there’s typically a missing link – either an unmet need within my child such as hunger, exhaustion, bore-dom, overstimulation, or an unmet need with-in myself – I’m hungry, overtired, rushing around taking care of everyone but myself! With all this going on and without a mindful thought, I end up reacting to my child and my child then reacts to me. I get upset at his reac-tion, the behavior escalates and, next thing I
know, we’re in a downward spiral of what feels like the point of no return. Ugh! Sound familiar? Aside from these overlooked, unmet needs, I realize there’s often another piece of the puz-zle I forgot to include – establishing expecta-tions for behavior. Now, I know some of you may be thinking, “But my kids should know by now what I ex-pect.” I get it, I really do, I often think the very same thing! Yet, what’s important to remem-ber is that our children’s brains are still devel-oping the ability to regulate emotions, manage impulses, plan and problem-solve. We also have to remember that our agenda of what we want/need to happen, rarely matches our child’s agenda of what they want/need.
What’s a parent to do??
Because children thrive on structure, routine and repetition and because they have a hard-wired need to feel a sense of belonging (connection) and significance (that they mat-ter/have something meaningful to contribute), I’ve found one simple question, which I always ask when we are going out in public or doing something new, that has helped us achieve
One Question to Ask your Kids for Better Behavior by Debbie Zeichner, LCSW
better, more cooperative behavior from our kids. This question is…
“What do we need to remember
before/when we _________?” When used consistently in the way described below, it works like a charm. Let me give you an example of what this looks and sounds like in action. Recently, we took our 2 kids to Legoland on a day they were off for a school holiday. We knew the kids were excited as our car ride was full of singing, laughter, jokes, ob-noxious noises etc. As we were getting closer, their restlessness was in full force and we started to hear things like, “Stop it!” “MOOOOOM, she’s singing too loudly!” “Daaaad, he won’t stop looking at me!”
“ARE WE THERE YET?” I felt myself becoming irritated, frustrated and worried that this day we all looked for-ward to wasn’t heading in the direction I had anticipated. Feeling this avalanche of negativity, I took some deep breaths and reminded myself I had a choice. I could choose to act on these negative thoughts and feelings by threaten-ing to turn the car around, yelling, getting impatient, telling them how lucky they are to go to such a fabulous place OR I could mind-
fully choose to put myself in their shoes, see it from their perspective and tell myself something more realistic. Essentially, they were excited and simply having trouble containing their emotions and impulses. They weren’t “spoiled,” “bratty,” or “bad” and they weren’t trying to ruin our family day. They were just kids ecstatic about where we were going, tired of being in the car, wanting to be there NOW!
“Deep breaths,” I reminded myself.
With all this in mind, here’s what came next: Me (in upbeat tone): “Hey guys, I can hear how excited you are for Legoland today!” Kids: “Yes, are we there yet? We can’t wait anymore!” With the intention of validating their feelings and engaging their interests, I responded… Me: “I know, it’s sooo hard to wait when you’re really excited to be going to one of your favorite places. I totally get it! What are you looking forward to the most?” Daughter: “I want to see the Lego 4-D movie. Madeline saw it and said it was so good! And, I want to drive those fun cars and get my drivers license!” Son: “I want to do the new Ninjago ride…you get to shoot stuff…And I want to go on that twisty roller coaster!” Me: “That sounds super fun! I’m excited to do all those things too! You know what? Dad-dy and I could really use your help. We all want to have a fun day, right? (Both kids agreed).
19
Son: “We have to be good listeners.” Me (laughing, as he knows me well :)): “Yes, and what does that mean? What does being a good listener look like?” Son: “It means that when you ask us to do something or stop doing something we do what’s being asked the first time and that we have respectful behavior.”
Respect is something we talk about often.
Me: “Yes, thank you. What else will make our day fun and super easy?” Daughter: “That we take turns with rides and are kind to each other.” Me: “Yes, love it, anything else?” Son: “Keeping our hands to ourselves.” Me: “These are some awesome ideas guys, thank you for helping us come up with them. What happens if we start to get a little tired or hot or bored and we forget some of these ideas? Should we come up with a special code (a word or signal) that can remind us to get back on track?”
Daughter: “Yes, FBN!” Me: “Mmmm, I haven’t heard that one. What does it stand for?” Daughter: “Friends Be Nice.” Son: “Or K and R for Kindness and Re-spect.” (This is a phrase we commonly refer to when behavior gets wild :)). Me: “I love these! Ok, you guys said that to have a fun, easy day, we all need to remem-ber to listen to what’s being asked and follow directions the first time, be respectful of each other, take turns with rides, keep our hands to ourselves and be kind to each other. Did I forget anything? (Both said no). If Dad-dy or I see you’re getting off track or if one of us gets off track, we can say “FBN!” or “K and R!” to remind us about our agreement. How does that sound?” Both kids: “Great!”
Respect is something we talk about often.
To make our day extra fun, where everyone gets
along, what do we need to remember about how we
behave at Legoland?
Debbie Zeichner, LCSW, is a Licensed Clinical
Social Worker and Parent Coach who has
specialized in working with adults, children
and families for over 18 years. As a Certified
Positive Discipline Parent Educator and
Mindful Parenting practitioner, Debbie
facilitates engaging parenting classes,
workshops and individualized coaching to
support parents in creating a greater sense of
calm, confidence and connection within
themselves and their families. In addition,
Debbie is also trained in the Mindful Schools
curriculum and offers mindfulness training to
youth in schools and within her community.
To learn more about Debbie and her parent
coaching services, please visit:
www.debbiezeichnerlcsw.com
Debbie Zeichner, LCSW
Asking Vs. Telling
The beauty of this lies in the ‘asking versus telling’ and discussing it all ahead of time. And, guess what? It only took a few minutes! You may be wondering, “Why not just tell them what you expect?” Whenever I’ve done that in the past, I’ve found it falls on deaf ears and only creates a disconnect between me and the kids (not to mention some resentment.)
Plus, who likes being told what to do all the time?
So, instead, I choose to express faith in my kids ability to make good choices by coming up with “rules,” or more respectfully, “agreements,” that will benefit all of us. Engaging them in this way meets their need for belonging and significance, while fostering the essential life skills of decision-making and prob-lem-solving. This simple question also allows them to feel part of the solution, rather than the problem. It’s a true “win-win.” Give it a try and let me know how it works for you. Expect a little push back the first few times. It’s a new skill, which, like everything else, takes time, patience and lots of practice! All the best,
Debbie
21
Positive Discipline Bulletin Board
Facebook Group
Walking into our mudroom I noticed three of every-
thing on the floor. Jackets, backpacks, sweaters, folders,
snack boxes and shoes. So many shoes….A quick estima-
tion put the count at about 11 scattered shoes…( why do 3
tiny feet need so many shoes?!).
I had walked into a truly overwhelming mess.
I stepped out of the room and saw my three children re-
laxed, playing, giggling and totally carefree. As if that
mess didn’t even exist. Like that mess was going to take
care of itself. Or maybe they thought I would handle it?
OH no...that’s not how we do things around this house.
Could a megaphone get my kids into ac-
tion...
Hang your coats!
Pick up your folders!
Snack boxes in the sink - STAT!
SHOES! COATS! SINK!
But I didn’t go looking for a megaphone.
Because as proud graduates of “Put your Shoes Away 101”
and “Special Topics In Jacket Hanging: From Theory to
Practice” my children know what the hooks and cubbies
in the mudroom are for.
Sometimes children don’t do what they are sup-
posed to do. And this can be frustrating. It can
bring up nagging, screaming, and threats of consequenc-
es too.
But often children don’t do what they are supposed to
because they are immersed in something else. In this
case, my kids were just totally relaxing after a long day of
school. They were happy to be home. I was happy they
were home too - but not so happy about the floor being
covered in jackets and shoes.
Often our perspectives and that of our
children are so very different.
Help Your Child
Listen, Think & Act WITHOUT NAGGING OR Y ELLING
by Ariadne Brill
23
Ariadne is the mom to two boys and one girl. She is a Certified Positive
Discipline Parenting Educator and her specialty is helping parents find more
calm and confidence on their parenting journey. Ariadne has training in
Psychology, child development, communication and family counseling.
Connect with Ariadne over at the Positive Parenting Connection, an online
resource for parents and caregivers dedicated to promoting peaceful, playful
and positive parenting. Positive Parenting Connection
Ariadne Brill
Where we see messes, our children just see their belong-
ings. Many children see their homes as safe spaces, and
they can’t wait to just drop their stuff into the giant cubby
they call home and simply get on with important things
like rest and play.
And this is where the positive discipline tool of Noticing can save the day:
If you find yourself annoyed, overwhelmed or maybe very
frustrated with an undone chore, a mess, an out of place
sock or three…
Try giving “I notice” a go:
I notice three backpacks on the ground in-
stead of their hooks.
I notice jackets getting crum pled on the floor .
I notice shoes scattered and blocking m y w ay
into the laundry room.
Noticing can offer children information without
the negativity of nagging.
When we notice and communicate, we automatically
show faith in our children. Faith that our child will be
able to listen and make a choice that is responsible and
helpful.
Noticing means we activate in our children the possibility
of repairing a mistake without feeling shamed or
blamed.
Noticing reduces confrontations and power struggles.
Because noticing isn’t about power but instead about em-
powering our children to do their best with the infor-
mation and skills that they have.
Using “I notice” instead of nagging, allows you to be kind,
firm and respectful while providing opportunities for
your child to listen, think and feel capable. These are key
components of Positive Discipline.
Remember how there were 11 scattered shoes in the mud-
room? Well, after “I noticed” that big mess, my kids
jumped into clean up mode. That’s when I realized my
son was hobbling about with just one shoe on!! I couldn’t
help but smile. He looked up at me and said “I notice you
are smiling mama! When I am done with cleaning up my
stuff can we play a game?” Sure, I had answered him.
What are we playing? “One shoe monsters!!!!” Quickly
the mess was gone -all nagging and power struggles free
and we had plenty of time to play.
Noticing, like all the positive discipline tools are so in
tune with what children need to feel and grow well. It is
amazing what can happen in your home and family when
you take the time to teach skills, trust children to do their
best and welcome their cooperation.
Happy Noticing….Peace & Be Well, Ariadne
Let’s Connect!
“Noticing” means we can create
opportunities for our children to
listen, think and act.
A Tale of Two Siblings . . . And 6 Tips for Peaceful, Cooperative Sibling Relationships By Marcilie Smith Boyle
This tale is true. And recent. Although
names have been changed to protect
the (somewhat) innocent.
We were boarding a plane, on our way back
from Spring break. My two daughters were
in front of me, moving down the aisle toward
our row, and arguing about who would get
the window seat. I was trying to stay out of
it but felt quite self-conscious as they passed
aisle after aisle of people eavesdropping on
their argument. (Would these eavesdroppers
know that I was a Parenting Coach? I hoped
not!)
The older one: “You got the window seat last
time. It’s my turn!”
The younger one: “But you got it on the
longer stretch to Miami! I only got the short
stretch!”
The younger one, who also had the
advantage of going first down the aisle,
moved into our row first, and took her seat at
the window. The older one sat next to her,
and continued to argue her position.
My son took the aisle seat next to my
daughters, while my husband and I sat
across the aisle on the same row.
25
The argument got louder. So I tried my favorite “phrase that pays” in such situations: “I see two girls and only one window seat. What can you do to solve this problem?”
Older daughter replies, “Jessie can just move over!” Younger one says, “Serena can give me a turn!”
Dang. Phrase did not pay.
No tool works every time, with every child, in every situation. That’s why you need many tools!
Argument continues, louder. Mom’s
embarrassment increases.
I look over and see that my older daughter
is now pressing her whole body (which is
about 2.5 x’s the size and weight of younger
daughter’s) over into my younger
daughter’s seat, squashing her into the
corner.
In my best “whisper-yell” (you know what
I’m talking about, right?), I say, “Serena,
what are you DOING?!! You’re squashing
your sister!” (So much for the question.)
Serena replies, “I’m not squashing her. I’m
just trying to see out the window.”
“Really?” I ask, incredulously.
I get up from my seat, lean over into their
space, look them both in the eye and say
very firmly but calmly, “I know you two can
come up with something that’s fair for
everyone. Once the seat belt sign goes off,
I’ll come back to hear what you’ve come up
with.”
And what do you know? They did. It took a bit more squabbling, and me biting my tongue (it helped that I was locked into my seat during takeoff,) but by the time the seat belt sign went off, they both looked at me and gave me the “thumbs up.”
Why were they able to figure it out?
For sure there’s some luck here, but also, we’ve been training for these moments for years. Here are some of the elements of our work out: Teach siblings tools for conflict reso-lution and compromise for exam ple, “I Statements” (see image next page), tak-ing turns, rock-paper-scissors, pick a num-ber, and Wheel of Choice to name a few. It’s so easy to just yell, “Stop fighting!” But that kind of edict doesn’t help kids learn what they can do when they’re angry at each other. “Put them in the same boat.” This Positive Discipline tool is simply about treating siblings evenly. (As in #3 below.) When parents rush in to pity the victim and vilify the bully, we push our kids even farther to opposite corners of the ring.
Describe what you see without judg-ment, and then invite them to find a solution. For example, “I see two kids and one window seat.” No judgment, no blame, no victims, no bullies. I followed it up with, “What can you do to solve this problem?” OK, it didn’t work this time. But often it does!
Express faith in your kids’ ability to solve problems. I did this by saying, “I know you two can come up with something
Marcilie coaches high achieving parents and professionals toward authentic success so that they can live, work, and parent with more peace, purpose, and joy. A Certified Positive Discipline Parenting Educator and Life & Leadership Coach, she leverages her previous sixteen-year consulting and marketing career to ensure her clients get a return on their coaching investment.
Marcilie earned her MBA from Harvard Business School, and CPCC from The Coaches Training Institute. She offers 1:1 and group coaching (live or via phone/Skype) on topics such as parenting, work/life balance, career transition, and leadership as well as “Parenting with Positive Discipline” More info here.
[email protected] w w w.W orkingParenting.com
Marcilie Smith Boyle
that’s fair for everyone. Once the seatbelt sign goes off, I’ll come back to hear what you’ve come up with.” Give siblings some space to work things out for themselves. When we parents jump in and solve our kids’ prob-lems for them, they don’t get the oppor-tunity to practice solving problems for themselves. Stop worrying about what other people think of your parenting skills. Wow, this is a hard one for me, but I find that when I parent to win the approval of others, I make some pretty bad decisions. If you’ve been reading my blog, you know that my kids’ squabbles aren’t always so nicely resolved. (See “The Surprising Parenting Lesson from My Morning from Hell”) But even when they don’t have happy endings, we are all learning along the way. And that’s what it’s all about.
As long as you’re willing to reflect on your parenting, and learn from mistakes, you’re doing an amazing parenting job. Who cares what other people think?!
Click here to leave a comment. I always enjoy hearing your thoughts and ques-tions!
Give siblings some space to work things out for themselves.
27
What do you want for YOUR family
this holiday season?
Over the summer I moved from one community
to another and in this new community, there is a
lot more pressure to “do as my neighbors do”
and “go big” for the holidays.
It is funny that I can already tell this is the case,
but it is true. I have been told, “If you don’t buy
Halloween candy early, it will literally be ALL
GONE” or, “You MUST register for holiday
activities for the children WAY in advance”.
I almost feel like someone is going to say,
“DON’T even THINK about seeing Santa-
ever!” LOL.
With this move, I am feeling pressured to
perform and to keep up.
I can literally feel the weight of this pressure on me.
Have you ever felt that way? For me it is a
weight on my right shoulder, as if I have a parrot
resting there. I want it to go away and keep
willing it to do so, but that doesn’t usually work
so well and I end up in this process of fighting
with myself.
Usually once I take a breather and get some
clarity, I remember that one way to eliminate
that “parrot” is to work through the process
here. I hope it might help you too:
Ask yourself this one question:
What do I want the holidays to look and feel like?
This is about getting clear on YOUR values, not
someone else’s.
It is about what YOU (and your co-parent) want
for YOUR family. Truthfully, do you know
anyone who really enjoys running around crazy
Don’t Believe The Holiday Hype
By Paige Michaelis
looking for the perfect this and the perfect that?
Ok, maybe there ARE some people, but I would
venture a guess that many are probably living up to
what they think they are “supposed” to do or have felt
pressured into doing.
I decided years ago that I wasn’t going to buy
everyone a present anymore. We couldn’t afford it,
nor did I enjoy it, so I stopped doing it.
Did it bother some people? Yes it did. Was it a shift
for my family? Yes it was.
But I didn’t feel aligned with our family values when
we were doing this, so we stopped (and had to
explain WHY to a few folks..)
When a family gets clear on THEIR values, the decisions to DO or NOT DO come much more easily.
If it is helpful, here is a sample family values exercise
for you - here.
Once you get clear on your family values, let your
children know WHY you are making the choices you
are.
Not buying a multitude of expensive presents?
Not going into debt over the holidays?
Not seeing Grandma?
Not slaving over the kitchen 24/7?
All can be discussion points to share and process
through with your children.
And, I say, too bad if they’re different from other
people’s values.
This is YOUR family. It can be what you want it to be.
Have fun, and ENJOY yourself. If this means you buy
the Thanksgiving dinner from the grocery store
instead of cooking, then make it happen.
Or if it means that you don’t visit every relative while
you’re in town, then so be it. At the end of the day no
one will remember the turkey or the fact that you ran
yourself ragged finding the perfect gift. What will be
remembered is you relaxing and laughing with the
kids, engaging with your relatives, playing games,
having conversations, and truly BEING with your
values driven family.
So don’t believe the hype.
Create your OWN hype, just for YOU and YOUR family
and have a great holiday season!
Warmly, Paige
At the end of the day no one will remember the turkey or the fact that you ran yourself ragged finding the perfect
gift.
Paige Michaelis is a Certified Positive Discipline Ed-
ucator, Coach and the Founder of 1 Minute Mommy.
She is also the mother of two amazing girls and wife
to a very child-like husband. She
can be found at
www.1minutemommy.com .
Paige Michaelis
29
Fostering Holiday Giving & Gratitude
While living in a in a Commercialized Culture
By Kelly Pfeiffer
The holiday season is upon us. If you’re like me, you may look towards the winter holidays with a mixed bag of feelings – ex-citement, stress, joy, dread. I know you are the kind of parent who wants to create meaningful experiences for your child. Like me, you may be wondering . . . how can we add more enjoyment to our holidays? How can we create a meaningful holiday for our children without wearing out ourselves? How can we teach a child the true merits of any holiday celebration among the shininess of commercialism?
As parents, we want kids to experience the joy of selfless acts and to internalize that it is truly better to give than to receive, but how do we foster those attitudes and actions? It isn’t always easy in a world filled with stuff, fluff and ads for more stuff. Here are some ideas to spark your thinking about what “gifts” you really want to give your child and your family in the coming weeks. There’s no need to agree with every idea or to implement all of them. I only invite you to “begin with the end in mind” (as Stephen Covey suggests) and make small changes that fit with your own personal style and your family traditions.
Give Children
Opportunities to Give
Whatever holiday or holidays you do celebrate throughout the year, I’d like to offer a sugges-tion to make them more meaningful by seeing your child as a giver, not just a receiver.
How can children grow their “giving” skills and attitudes if they get plenty of opportunities to receive gifts, but rarely get opportunities to give gifts?
If your holiday customs involve gift giving, make this holiday season more meaningful by giving your child opportunities to truly con-tribute to some gifts for others.
A few concrete examples are: Make Gifts with Your Child: Set aside time to work alongside your child making a gift for family members. There are so many possibili-ties for this and of course, it depends on the age of your child. Even preschoolers can con-tribute to baking cookies and other cooking tasks.
Get supplies for Your Child
to Make a Gift
Think through this idea to make sure that your expectations are not too out of range for your child. For a super simple gift, ask your child to create a piece of artwork and buy an inexpensive frame for it. Family Project Idea– Make Fleece Scarfs. One year I took my kids to the fabric store to choose a piece of fleece fabric for each relative. They had fun choosing colors and patterns that they thought each relative would like. We took the fleece fabric home and I showed my kids how to cut into the ends of the fabric a number of times to create “fringe” on the ends of each fleece “scarf.” Then I showed them how to wrap the gifts and they wrapped them. These warm scarves can also be made to give to homeless shelters. Family Project Idea 2 – Make Bird Feeder Su-et Shapes: Give these as gifts to relatives or homebound friends.
Create a Family Gratitude
Ritual for the Holidays
An article on the website, Greater Good: The Science of a Meaningful Life, reports on the recent research touting the benefits of adding gratitude as a life habit. Among the spinoffs cited, a mindful gratitude practice can im-prove the immune system plus add more joy, optimism and happiness to one’s life. Consider adding a large dose of gratitude to your family’s holiday plans. There are endless ways to include gratitude into family rituals for the holidays. I’ll list just a few here. If you want to see more, go to Pin-terest and search for my board collection called “Gratitude Rituals & Project Ideas.”
Gratitude Vision Board - Hang a piece of post-er board or butcher block paper on a wall in your home and label it “Gratitude.” Each day, ask family members to write, draw or add a photo to the “Gratitude Board.” Mealtime Gratitude Expression – Each time the family sits down together for a meal, ask each person to name one thing for which he/she is grateful. Gratitude Playlist – Ask your family to con-tribute song ideas for a gratitude playlist. When you’re traveling in the car, play the songs! Take Interesting, meaningful family photos all year long.
The ideas of family bonds, gratitude and cele-bration of our values and beliefs can be etched permanently in a child’s mind by creating memorable images. Use photography (with
31
any camera or a smartphone camera) and your family’s imagination to design and snap photos or slideshows that capture positive values aligned with your holiday beliefs, values and traditions. Photos can be silly, poignant, spoofy, or whatever fits for your family. Capture meaningful family rituals in photos as well. A picture says a thousand words. Have fun and bond by getting the whole family involved with ide-as for taking photos that communicate your family’s unique qualities and gratitude for each other.
I wish for you a meaningful holiday season and a few magical moments with your family. Kelly
A Certified Positive Discipline Lead Trainer, Kelly teaches live interactive workshops
to parents and child care providers on child development, social-emotional skills, self-
care for parents, conflict resolution for families and Positive Discipline tools. She’s
authored over 100 web articles on child development topics, blogs about Positive
Discipline parenting and also teaches creative writing as a writer artist in residence
in elementary schools. Kelly is mom/step-mom to two teenagers and two young
adults.
Kelly Pfeiffer
The ideas of family bonds, gratitude and
celebration of our values and beliefs can be etched per-
manently in a child’s mind by creating
memorable images.
What Children Are Really Saying When You Hear “It’s Not Fair”
By Sarina Behar Natkin, LICSW
It’s Not Fair! Ever heard those words from your child? Remember saying them yourself? With two children in the home, I have the op-portunity to hear that whiny jingle quite fre-quently.
Why is this the go to phrase? What are they really saying? And, how do I respond with something other than the dreaded, “Life isn’t fair, son?"
Imagine if your boss held the power to decide what you ate, when you ate, who you sat next to, and whether or not you got a treat at the end. Not only that, but the person at the cubi-cle next to you gets to have a longer lunch break...because they are older than you.
What might you say to yourself, your boss, or anyone else you can find? All together now, “It’s Not Fair.”
It’s easy to understand why children feel pow-erless. So much is decided for them that at
times. It’s not all about being “controlled” though.
Families who have worked to find constructive uses of power for children, giving them choic-es and involving them in decision making, still hear those three little words.
One of the most common times we hear this phrase is when our children think someone else is getting something that they are not.
Someone else gets to stay up later, someone else doesn’t have to eat broccoli, and some-one else gets to have ice cream. Even worse is when the other person is a sibling!
I believe there are two key reasons why kids (and adults) go to this phrase:
1) We are born with a belief that this is a just world, where every person is worthy of having their needs met. Yes, we grow up and realize that, sadly, we won’t get all of our needs met
33
all of the time, but down deep, we want to believe the world is just.
2) We compare. One of the earliest ways ba-bies make sense of their world is through sorting. We continue doing this comparing throughout life as a check-in, asking ourselves, am I normal? Am I loved the same? Am I wor-thy of what that person is worthy of? Siblings seem to be the perfect specimen for compar-ing ourselves to.
Jane Nelson, of Positive Discipline, says it so well: “Children are great observers, but poor interpreters.”
Children pick up on subtle nuances that many adults miss. They often have mistaken beliefs as to why something is happening.
As adults, we know that fair does not mean equal. We know that judging ourselves and others usually leads to feeling worse instead of better, and creates a competitive environ-ment instead of a cooperative one.
Here’s something else adults know: Life is, in fact, unfair. We know this from the horrible injustices that occur all around us. We shield our children from this though. We avoid the hard conversations; we don’t want them to ask why some children are born in to poverty and violence.
I think one of the reasons “It’s not fair” pushes our buttons so much as parents is that we look
at our kids and think, “do you even under-stand how fortunate we are to have what we have?”
The problem is, we have a role in this too. As we do things for our kids that they are capable of doing for themselves, as we rescue them from difficult emotions and never let them fail, they never get to see that life is full of challenges. Even more importantly, they miss the opportunity to develop resilience-the tools to handle hard emotions and the belief in one’s ability to use those skills.
What Are They Really
Saying When They Say
It’s Not Fair?
Picture in your mind some little thing that seemed unfair to you recently. Does your in-ner child say, “It’s not fair,” as you think about it? Any feelings of anger or jealousy showing up? Often what lies underneath the anger is something different: fear.
Somewhere in our brains, our sense of safety is threatened. We are afraid someone is loved more than us. What could possibly be worse than wondering if your parents love your sib-ling more than you? This plays out in all of those situations where we feel powerless and out of control.
Thinking to ourselves, "Someone else is decid-ing my fate." Feeling the fear doesn’t mean that we rationally believe in it. Nevertheless, in that moment, the feeling is there.
We don’t like feeling afraid though. It feels well, scary! It feels overwhelming and power-less. To many of us, anger feels better. It feels powerful. Jealousy and judgment feel more powerful too, so its pretty easy to see why we go to those feelings first.
Let me guess, you are saying to yourself, “My child does not seem scared, she seems needy and helpless.” Sometimes it seems those 3 words are code for “I am not getting what I want and I don’t like it.”
I think these still have a deep down fear attached. It goes back to that overdoing for our kids, and the mistaken belief that comes from doing too much for them. Our children start believing that the way to feel connected and loved is to have us providing special ser-vice for them.
Bottom line, “It’s Not Fair,” is actually a
code for “I am feeling scared.”
Do our kids know that’s what they mean? Most likely, the deeper fear is not a conscious thought for them. Even as adults, we often don’t realize that the same thing is happening in our moments of jealousy and “poor me”.
So now we have a better understanding of “It’s Not Fair” here are some tips for how to respond in the moment. (And how to help your child work through their feelings.)
Create a family culture where each family member feels connected and know their thoughts and feelings matter. You can do this through the positive discipline tool of family meetings. And including children in problem solving and decision making, practicing active listening skills and making sure the message of love gets through even when kids make mis-takes.
When children, and adults for that matter, feel a sense of belonging and significance, they feel less helpless and more of an active partici-pant in life.
Give your child opportunities to contribute in meaningful ways. Giving our children more
responsibility allows them to have some con-structive use of power. I am continually amazed how cooperation increases and whin-ing decreases when we up the level of chores our kids help with.
Our children get to pick a significant new chore on their birthday each year, and they really look forward to having a greater sense of ownership in their home and life.
Show Empathy.
“Sounds like you really are enjoying that ice cream and wish you could have more.”
“Sounds like you are feeling angry that you didn’t get as much ice cream as you want-ed.”
Avoid the Urge to Lecture. Start with one em-pathetic statement and let it sit. So often, we just keep talking.
Trust Your Child’s Ability to Handle Discomfort
Your child may continue complaining and try-ing to change the outcome of the situation.
Your job is to stay out of negotiating in the moment, unless you are really open to chang-ing the outcome.
You can continue to offer more empathy, share a time where you felt that something
35
was really unfair, offer to help them explore how they can solve the problem, or ask if this is something they would like to put on the family meeting list to discuss at a calmer time.
The conversation might look like this:
Child: It’s not fair; Sara gets to stay up later than I do! Why does she always get to do more than me?
Parent: Sounds like you are feeling angry that you have an earlier bedtime than your sister.
Child: I should get to stay up that late too! I want to stay up until she goes to bed tonight.
Parent: I remember that my brother got to stay up later than me, and it bothered me too.
Child: (crying) So then why are you doing this to me? Please mom, please let me stay up to-night?
Parent: I know you are upset, and its time for bed. I'm looking forward to reading to you when you are in your PJs.
At this point, your child may be upset, and it can be hard to see. Trust them. Trust them that they can be mad, sad, jealous, or any oth-er emotion and they will get through it. They will be ok, and so will you. You can still be em-pathetic to their feelings, without letting go of
the boundaries on their behavior.
It’s important to keep in mind though that children learn so much more from what we do than from what we say.
If we acknowledge feelings and then think of ways to reframe the situation in a positive perspective, we teach our children how to do that as well.
Focusing on the positive helps us feel empow-ered instead of hopeless, and models for our kids resilience in action.
Have a Conversation Around Fairness. Share with each other what your definition of fair is. Ask the children what fair means to them. Share times that you felt jealous or that life was unfair and what helped you move through those feelings.
This conversation is most helpful when NOT in the midst of a major "It's Not Fair" meltdown from child or parent.
Small discussions in calm moments can help your children develop their own concept of justice, which will grow and change along with their own development. Hopefully reducing the familiar sound of “It’s not fair!”
Sarina Behar Natkin, LICSW is a parent coach, speaker and
author in the Seattle area. She provides parents with the
tools they need to raise healthy children and find more joy
in parenting. Check out her blog (www.sarinanatkin.com) for
more great tips on common parenting challenges.
Sarina Behar Natkin, LICSW
Positive Discipline Bulletin Board
37
Q I read Nathan M McTague’s article in your fall 2016 issue of Compass and am just compelled to ask, “How then do you respond when
one of your children pulls the other one’s hair ‘for the umpteenth’ time?” He presented that example of a conflict and talked about why it doesn’t make sense to punitively discipline the child for that action. So what practical example/solution would he suggest? How does the sibling who got their hair pulled react if you do not stand up for him/her and make it clear that they shouldn’t hurt each other? Thanks, Celena D. mother of three in MT
A Thanks very much for your letter. It’s super fun to get to respond to a reader’s thoughts regarding a previous article.
To begin with, let me say, I totally agree with you that “Discipline without Disciplining” is a conceptual piece more than a step-by-step how-to. That was by design, because for me, the concept and it’s underpinnings were more important than a list of to-do’s which might vary from family to family depending on lots of other factors. But this simple notion -- that trying to “teach them a lesson” (with coercion or punishment) often blocks our kids from being able to hear, remember, and learn the lesson. However, I get that you now have the concept, and you’re looking for how to apply it. And I’m happy to oblige in providing you with some ideas! So, to begin with, remember that what we’re trying to do is prime our children’s brains to be able to receive, assimilate, and store information about how we would prefer that they conduct themselves.
Questions &Answers
with Positive Discipline Educators & Trainers
In the example I used, and to which you refer in your letter when one sibling pulls the other’s hair again, I’d suggest (and in our home, we would do) the following: Keep Everyone Safe – We’ll let our children argue for a pretty long while before we intervene, but if safety is an issue, we move in immediately and put ourselves in between the warring parties. We’ve never had to, but in some families, if the two kids have gone nuclear and can’t calm down enough to stop trying to hurt one another, some period of further separation may be in order. So long as it doesn’t become a punishment, that seems reasonable. Empathize with Both Parties – We usually start by addressing the injured one, but maintain proximity, touch, and/or an open posture with the hair-puller (or what have you…) as well, and after hearing out the former, offer the latter em-pathy, too. We ask the first if she is “all right”, if she feels “scared” or “angry” or “upset”, and wait to hear the full response, rubbing her back or holding her hand if that feels welcome, until she’s finished for the moment. We then ask the second if she’s “all right”, if she felt “angry”, or “scared”, or “upset” when she pulled her sister’s hair, etc.. Then keep going back and forth, un-winding the layers of feelings involved and lead-ing up to the incident, making room for each – not trying to fix anything, just listening. In this process we’re seeking to help make room for them to let out their feelings about the experi-ence (and any other stored emotions hanging out near the surface). Mine for Unmet Needs – Processing feelings together presents us with the opportunity to “take a look under the hood” of our children’s brains, often revealing some of their otherwise hidden inner workings. When listening to our kids name their feelings, we can check to see if those feelings might be associated with some un-derlying unmet need(s) they may be/have been carrying. The psyche works in such a way that when our kids have unmet needs, they feel bad, and in order to discharge the uncomfortable feel-
ing, they are neurally compelled to act out (it’s usually not as much choice as it is reflex). So, if we can retrace that line back to the source(s), then we can help our children get their needs met in ways we’d prefer and/or that keep every-one safe, etc.. Maybe the hair-puller needs to wrestle, or to feel significant, or to stop the sib-ling from taking a toy. These are all legitimate needs that can be met in other ways, and needs that might remain unmet if we don’t engage at this level.
If we just punish to stop the
“bad behavior”, we haven‘t
met the need or assuaged the
feelings, so some other “bad
behavior” is coming soon
from the same sources –
guaranteed.
Sometimes the unmet need is just to let out some stuffed feelings and get some connection, which the above processes will also provide.
In the Positive Discipline series from Dr. Jane Nelsen you can find the mis-taken goals chart to help decode these unmet needs. Then, of course, as much as we’re able, we want to help meet whatever outstanding needs re-main. Share Information / Make Requests – When, and only when, the feelings have been processed, and unmet needs addressed, and up-per brain capacity restored, and all parties back in a co-operative state, will we give our kids all the information they need about how we’d prefer them to handle themselves; boundaries we want
39
to claim, renegotiate, or clarify; social cus-toms around respecting others; and/or any-thing else generally helpful for them to know concerning what just happened. This is also a good time to see if either party has a request for how they’d like things to go in the future, and/or to solve the “issue” if there still is one. We usually find that after processing the feel-ings and restoring optimal brain chemistry, the “issue” dissolves, but sometimes there’s still a little something to figure out, and that’s done more easily because everyone’s creative upper brains are back online! In the case of the hair-pulling again, the hair-puller has seen the pain caused, and instead of being sent away to muse on her own feel-ings, she’s been at hand to see and feel the empathy offered and the processing of emo-tion happening for her sibling (from which she has received some mirror neuron benefit as well). She then has been helped with her own feelings, instead of being ousted with them, and had the opportunity to have her unmet needs addressed as well. Her brain has shifted to a more ready learning state and she is open to information and to choos-ing compassionate actions toward others.
When we say something to this child, she is able to hear it, assimilate it, and remember it. And in this state, she might even want to. Therefore, this is the only moment since the altercation began when it makes sense to make a request, or claim hair-pulling out of bounds.
The other question was
about how the injured party
would react if we “do not
stand up for him/her and
make it clear that they
shouldn’t hurt each other”.
In my experience, unless children are taught to think of retribution as their only solace, kids don’t hope for each other to get pun-ished. They hope for getting along more easi-ly with each other, and this process provides for that in ways that retributive justice never could. Furthermore, the urge for revenge is a
lower brain response to emotions like antagonism or powerlessness. When we process those feelings instead, the brain doesn’t need to act out to feel better. If they’ve been trained to think of punishment as necessary for correction or restoration, then there may be some resetting of expectations to do. For families who have used punish-ment in the past, I often suggest a discussion ahead of time about the intended shift away from punishment. Then, if/when one of the children says the other should get a time-out or a spanking or whatever, it’s easy to just remind them of this new approach. If you’re used to relying on punishment, it make take some getting used to this approach before it begins to feel natural. One reason we parents go for punishment is to do something with our own feelings. To help ease that impulse, we can use “self-empathy” – simply naming the feelings we’re noticing in ourselves (angry, frustrated, scared, etc.) without delving into the story underneath; and we can rub our own arm or shoulder as we name the feelings to add some brain-calming touch. It sounds weird, but it totally works! For further readings on this topic from Nathan, you can visit his site. If you’d like a cool tool to help you and your children process feelings as described above, go here before January 1st 2017, to receive a special 30% discount on the Feeleez poster -- for Compass readers (enter promo code “COMPASS”). Thanks again for writing in, Celena! We’re glad to get mail and be able to speak specifically to our readers’ in-terests and needs. Be well, Nathan M
Nathan is a life coach, parenting mentor, and certified positive
discipline parent educator, committed to empowering people to
reach their greatest potentials in family, work, and life. He is the
cofounder of the Center for Emotional Education and cocreator of
the Center’s line of emotional support and education tools, Feeleez.
Nathan M McTague, CPCC, CPDPE
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