People · Part 1 The Key To Understanding Difficult People In this section, I’m going to show you how difficult people are able to cause the problems that they do and why they are

Secrets of Dealing with

Difficult People

How to Create a Positive Change in Problem Situations

at Home and Work

2 Secrets of Dealing with Difficult People _______________________________________________________

Copyright Notice

This book is copyright 2010 with all rights reserved. It is

illegal to copy, store in a retrieval system, distribute or

create derivative works from this book, in whole or in part

without permission of the author.

The information in this book is opinion only and should

not be considered medical or professional advice. You are

responsible for your own decisions and behavior and the

author cannot be held responsible for any actions that you

may choose to take as a result of reading this book.

For more information on the Wellspring Method as

described in this book, please visit www.ShrinkinaBox.com.

Copyright © 2010 by W. Mark Lauderdale

ISBN 9780973188813

2 nd edition

Published by

WELLSPRING PERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS INC.

213 – 5325 Cordova Bay Rd

Victoria BC V8Y 2L3

www.ShrinkinaBox.com

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Table of Contents

Part 1: The Key To Understanding Difficult People presents essential information about relationships, difficult people and your emotional reactions.

1 How Difficult People Control You 9 • Where Does Difficult Behavior Come From? • Interpersonal Conditioning • The Difficult People Tango

2 How Difficult People Push Your Buttons 21 • Overcoming Your Biggest Obstacle Yourself • The Big Mistake and How to Avoid it • The Key to Success with Difficult People


Part 2: Feeling Good First… The Wellspring Method focuses on the steps to take within yourself first before attempting to deal with the difficult person in your life.

3 How to Target the Problem Behavior 35 • The Recipe for Success • Breaking the Problem Down Into BiteSized Chunks

• Let's Take a Look at Your Usual Pattern

4 How to Be Clear About What You Want 45 • Why This Step is So Important • How New Reality is Created

5 How to Stay Calm and Be Confident 53 • How to Shift Your Perceptions • Blending Mental Sets • Taking on the Persona of a Successful Role Model

• The Law of Attraction

6 How to Think Through Your Plan 65 • Thinking Through the Possibilities • On Making Mistakes • Playing Out Your Urges • Desensitizing Yourself • ReMeasuring and Targeting the Next Scenario

• The Wellspring Phenomenon • The Wellspring Method • Summary of the Wellspring Method

5 _______________________________________________________

Part 3: Dealing With Difficult Coworkers, Bosses, Employees, Clients & Relationships describes some basic principles for dealing with the difficult people in your life.

7 Your Decision to Create Change 97 • Whose Responsibility Is It to Create a Change?

8 Things You Should Never Do 103 • The Curse of Getting Mad and Getting Even • Why Not Criticize, Blame or Complain? • Why Arguing or Making Someone Wrong Never Works

• The Futility of Forcing Someone to Do Something

• The Tempting Trap of Taking Things Personally

• What Happens When You Assign a “Label” to the Other Person

• What Goes Around Comes Around • How to Avoid Dealing With a Difficult Person

9 Essential First Steps 119 • Becoming Crystal Clear About Your Higher Goal

• Making All Paths Lead to Success • Feeling Calm, Strong and Confident • Targeting One Behavior at a Time


10 How to Handle Conflict, Complaints, Verbal Abuse and Noncollaboration 131

• Eight Ways to Gain Cooperation From a Difficult Person

• How to Erase the Positive Response You Worked Hard to Create

• When to Just Ask

11 How to Deal with Bullying, Harassment, Gossip, Office Politics and Controlling People 175

• Redefining Negative Behavior • How to Make Difficult Behavior Become a Problem for Them

• The Little Nuisance – Your Greatest Ally • On Being Patient and Persistent

Resources 201

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Part 1

The Key To Understanding

Difficult People In this section, I’m going to show you how difficult

people are able to cause the problems that they do and why they are able to “push our buttons”.

I’ll explain how they defeat us by drawing us into negative circular interactions with them and what you can do about it.


How Difficult People Control You 9 _______________________________________________________

1

How Difficult People Control You

Difficult people have a secret weapon.

They have an uncanny ability to throw us off our game, which means that all of your usual people skills can be rendered USELESS when a difficult person gets under your skin and causes you to react.

They don't do it on purpose ...usually.

In fact, most often they aren't even AWARE that they are doing it. But if you are going to succeed, you will need something more than a few good strategies up your sleeve... You will need emotional immunity!

But first, I need to give you some background.

Where Does Difficult Behavior Come From?

There are three main sources of difficult behavior:


a) Upbringing

It probably comes as no surprise to you that the behavior in others that we find irritating, inappropriate or difficult may have developed as a result of the person growing up in their particular family of origin.

Children who had temper tantrums and were not adequately trained to deal with their anger in more socially appropriate ways, grew up into teenagers who got their way through angry outbursts. Then, their behavior continued as part of their personality into adulthood, perhaps only unleashed by the disinhibiting effects of alcohol, or perhaps regularly used as a means of controlling others.

Similarly, being sick or having problems may have been an effective way for a child to get their way or receive needed attention and support. If the pattern continued, they became adults who frequently wanted special consideration. In addition, they may have subconsciously generated actual physical or emotional impairments in their lives to obtain ongoing sympathy and support.

Bossy kids tend to become controlling adults. Children who are insecure and fearful tend to become adults with anxiety, and so on…

Ok, so I’m probably not telling you anything that you don’t already know. You get the picture.

b) Stress

People who are stressed – when they are feeling


worried, angry, frustrated, depressed, etc. – tend to become difficult.

This is because when we are under stress we become selfcentered. We are wrapped up in our issues, our concerns, our problems, and we tend to lose sight of the bigger picture.

People who are stressed tend to lose their capacity for understanding, or even caring about, other people. It’s an attitude of, “I can’t be bothered with your concerns because I have so many problems to deal with myself and I feel overwhelmed.”

c) You

Yes, you may be the source of another person’s difficult behavior.

If you want someone to be extremely stubborn and uncooperative towards you, just be bossy and unfriendly towards them.

If you want someone to get angry at you, be rude or hostile towards them.

If you want them to become incredibly stupid, just micromanage them. Give them instructions for every little thing and you’ll train them to not know how to do anything for themselves.

Now, I realize that you couldn’t possibly be guilty of these behaviors, but it is possible that you have engaged in milder forms – not smiling enough, not including someone, not being very understanding, being


critical, not complimenting or praising other people, and so on.

It’s also very likely that at one time or another you were one of those people who was stressed and you treated someone else in a less than pleasant way.

Who me? Yes, you. In fact, we’ve all done it.

And we have all had the experience of triggering negative responses in other people and becoming the ungrateful recipient of difficult behavior from people who are normally easy to get along with.

Interpersonal Conditioning

We are social creatures.

And we have more social connectivity than you might think. The process of “socialization” is the result of a series of learned associations and conditioned responses.

Around 1900, Ivan Pavlov, a Russian behavioral scientist, described the phenomenon of “classical conditioning”. You are probably familiar with one of his experiments in which he rang a bell every time dinner was placed in front of his hungry dog, which then began salivating. After a few repetitions, Dr. Pavlov discovered that the bell alone could cause the dog to salivate. That is, the salivation behavior had become “conditioned” to the sound of the bell.

As we grow up, we, too, are conditioned to


automatically respond to certain social cues. For most of us, when our parents were angry we felt afraid and we may have tried to escape or to hide.

When our teachers or parents told us what to do, we usually did it. If we were picked on at school we either developed a pattern of fear and avoidance or anger and aggression.

All of these behaviors became conditioned, automatic, like a reflex, so that as adults we react in habitual conditioned ways to other people’s behavior.

So, if someone is yelling at you, you most likely experience an automatic feeling of anxiety or fear, or perhaps anger. It’s all very specific and very individual depending on your own particular background of conditioning.

The number of conditioned or “automatic” responses we could describe is almost endless, but if you take a look at your own life, you’ll probably be able to identify a few.

What all this means is that in every human interaction, there’s a great deal of automatic responding going on.

This automatic communication is either “nonverbal” (communication expressed through body language) or “paraverbal” (communication that takes place via the tone, pitch and pacing of our voices rather than through the words we use. It is HOW we say something, not WHAT we say).


The important thing to realize is that most of this nonverbal and paraverbal communication is taking place UNCONSCIOUSLY totally outside of our awareness!

Human interaction, then, is a lot like dancing. When you’re dancing a waltz, for example, you are dancing with your partner in a certain way. The better you learn the steps the more conditioned, and effortlessly automatic, they become.

Unless you move to another culture where the conditioning is different, it all flows smoothly when you interact with someone. You “understand” each other. You communicate with each other. You “get” the other person.

This is what I call the "interpersonal dance"… and, without knowing it, we are dancing to its rhythm every day of our lives.

The Difficult People Tango

Unfortunately, there’s a dark side to this interpersonal dance.

When someone behaves in a certain way that “pushes our buttons”, we react automatically and negatively. We experience a negative emotion such as anger, frustration or anxiety. We feel stressed.

Just think about the difficult person you are dealing with and you’ll know what I’m talking about.


There’s just something about them or something they do that triggers us. It feels unpleasant and our automatic reaction is to act on those negative feelings with some kind of negative response.

In general, we either fight back in some way (either directly or indirectly) or we try to avoid future encounters with that individual.

Ok, but what if, in a similar way, the other person also has an automatic reaction to YOUR behavior?

Well, we’ve got a nice vicious circle going now, don’t we?

I am certain that you have seen this negative circular pattern happening in your life on occasion. What you may not realize is that these negative circular interactions are occurring many times a week, and for some of us, many times a day!

Just ask yourself, “How often have I ever been rude, nasty or unkind to someone and received a positive response in return?” Almost never, right?

99% of the time what you get in return is an automatic negative response. It’s conditioned, it’s habitual, and it’s unconscious!

Furthermore, how often did YOU ever respond positively to a person who behaved badly towards you? My guess is… NOT VERY OFTEN!

This is the reason that difficult people are so difficult. We unconsciously become drawn into negative


downward spirals with them.

It’s rather like the hypnotist’s stage show I saw many years ago in which I witnessed the antics of the people who were given posthypnotic suggestions.

One man was told under hypnosis that whenever he heard the word “junk” he was to proudly announce, “I love my car”. Another man was given the suggestion that whenever he heard the word “car” he would rise out of his chair and shout, “It’s a piece of JUNK!” and they were both sent back to their seats in the audience.

As you can imagine, every so often during the show when the word “junk” was mentioned, the first man would stand up and exclaim, "I LOVE MY CAR!"

Then the other man would immediately would jump out of his seat and shout, “It’s a piece of junk!”

The first man would reply as if personally offended, “I LOVE my car!” and so on, with the two of them becoming more and more heated in an escalating argument until the hypnotist snapped his fingers and the two of them stood there bewildered over what had just happened.

Similarly, in the real world when two people are pushing each other’s buttons, they are captured in this negative vicious cycle and it’s very hard to break free because of the very fact that it is unconscious and conditioned.

The result is… The Difficult People Tango.


Just like an old habit is hard to change, it is very very difficult to act in a positive or even constructive way to another person who is pushing our buttons.

In other words, because of your unconscious conditioning it's hard to shift yourself and the other person out of the “Difficult People Tango” and into the “Let's Get Along Great Polka”!

My guess is that this is the REAL reason you are reading this book!


Key Points to Remember from Chapter 1

• There are three main sources of difficult behavior.

The way a person was raised and their childhood experiences strongly influence the way they behave now.

The more stress a person is currently experiencing the more selfcentered they become and the less capable they are of cooperating with you.

Another person may become difficult if they have an automatic reaction that is triggered by you and your behavior.

• Our social behavior has been conditioned through years of experience.

We have become conditioned to interact with one another in certain ways like learning the steps to a dance.

This interpersonal dance goes on unconsciously and automatically every day of our lives in every human interaction.

• Be aware of The Difficult People Tango.

When our “buttons are pushed” we can unconsciously slip into a negative circular interaction with a “difficult” person in which they are triggered by us as well.


Minor instances of these negative circular interactions occur many times a week, and for some of us, many times a day.

Even if we want to make a change, it can be hard to shift ourselves and the other person out of the “Difficult People Tango” and into the “Let's Get Along Great Polka”.


How Difficult People Push Your Buttons 21 _______________________________________________________

2

How Difficult People Push Your Buttons

Our negative emotions – anger, frustration, anxiety, hurt, etc. (the stress emotions) – are the culprit. These emotions are at the root of the problem.

I did an online survey of 68 people who arrived at my web site by searching on the phrase “dealing with difficult people” through Google.

I asked them to rate the intensity of their negative emotion when dealing with their difficult person and found that it typically ranged from 6 to 10 out of 10 (maximum emotional distress) – and the most frequent ratings were 8, 9 and 10/10!!

The reason that a person or situation becomes "a problem" is because that person or situation is triggering a negative emotion in you.


If it didn’t, then it wouldn’t FEEL like a problem. It would be just some ordinary piece of behavior that you may or may not even notice, let alone react to.

Overcoming Your Biggest Obstacle ‐ Yourself

Because of your automatic conditioned responses, it is very likely that when someone triggers a negative emotion in you such as anxiety, frustration or stress, you will react with negative behavior.

This may take the form of angry words, avoidance, becoming uncooperative or resistant, becoming cold or distant, or engaging in whatever stress response has become typical for you such as insomnia, headaches, feeling depressed and so on.

In my online survey, I also asked visitors to state their biggest question with regard to dealing with difficult people and I received comments like this…

“How can I deal with this guy without losing it and punching him out?”

“How do I deal with a control freak?”

“How can I help my staff to understand that they are being paid to work?”

“How do you not resent these type of people?”

“How do I not end up having a huge row with her?”

“How do you handle them without being mean?”


The point I’m trying to make here is that negative emotions always lead you into negative thinking and negative actions. Furthermore, your negative actions always lead to negative emotions in the other person – the Difficult People Tango.

To put it more succinctly, “If you act on your negative feelings, you will always automatically do the wrong thing!”

I have found this principle to be universally true. If someone does something out of anger, anxiety, stress or any other negative emotion, they will automatically deal with things the wrong way – even if their intentions were positive in the first place!

You may use the right words, but you will say it the wrong way and a negative meaning will be the result.

You may approach a person or a situation in a positive way initially, but the moment the other person is disrespectful or angry or inconsiderate, the whole plan gets thrown out the window and a negative interaction ensues.

You know, there are thousands of books and tapes that have been written on the subject of human relations. There is already a lot of good advice out there on how to deal with people in positive and constructive ways.

The real problem is that our emotions get in the way of our being able to follow through with the constructive approaches that we know we should be


taking.

The Big Mistake and How to Avoid It

When a “difficult” person says or does something that triggers our anger, anxiety or stress, we tend to see the other person as the problem because of our automatic reactions.

We put the blame squarely on them. “They are making me unhappy!”… “They are the problem.”

The big mistake we often make, then, is that we START by focusing on the other person’s behavior.

We somehow think (or would like to think) that the other person should change THEIR behavior. We act as if the other person is in total control of their actions, free of any automatic conditioning.

Unfortunately, I have seen many people waste months of their lives continuing to focus on the “problem” person and continuing to make the situation worse by “stressing out” on that person.

So, what’s the solution?

Recognize that in order for any interpersonal situation to become a “problem”, there are two equally important parts that are necessary to create the stress:

1. The other person’s behavior (the stressor), 2. Your personal reaction to it (your stress reaction).


While it is difficult to create a change in the other person’s behavior, especially when you are feeling angry, stressed or upset, it is much easier to start by taking care of your part – your sensitive spot.

Your sensitive spot is that part of you that is conditioned to react to the other person’s behavior with anger, anxiety or stress – in the same way that you may have a bruise on your shoulder that is very painful if someone bumps into it.

Your goal is to desensitize yourself, to heal up your sensitive spot, in the same way that your body heals its bruise so that it is no longer painful when it is bumped.

So, instead of doing what most people do by focusing on the difficult person who is bumping into you, focus on your own emotional reactions and desensitize your sensitive spot first (I’ll show you how to do this later on in this book).

Once you “get” this, you’ll be miles ahead of 95% of other people and you’ll be far more effective when dealing with people AND problems.

Let me state it again in a simpler way, only this time in big bold print… Feel Good FIRST, and THEN deal with the problem.

The Key to Success with Difficult People

Most people, when faced with a difficulty in their life, want to resolve the problem so they can feel happy again.


However, it works far better to go about it the other way around. Feel good first, and THEN deal with the problem.

There are actually a large number of behavioral research studies to support this point of view.

For example, researchers placed a banana just outside a monkey’s cage, just beyond arm’s reach. They also placed a hockey stick inside the cage at the other end.

They found that if the monkey was feeling good, he could figure out the solution to the problem without too much difficulty and he’d use the hockey stick to manoeuvre the banana into snack time territory.

However, if they stressed the monkey in some way, such as making him really hungry, he could not solve the problem. He just kept doing the same old thing hoping for a different result reaching for the banana.

Does this pattern sound familiar? When we are stressed or upset, we don’t handle things very well and it's much HARDER to solve problems.

However, what you may not realize is that this same principle is true for even minor daytoday stresses. Every time we are in a situation that is triggering our stress emotions, even in a small way, we become less effective in dealing with that situation.

However, if we first take a little time to change our emotional state into some kind of positive feeling, such


as confidence, determination, strength, sympathy, understanding, good humour, etc., then EVERYTHING changes.

Positive feelings open doors inside our minds.

When we are feeling good we are more creative, we can think of solutions easier, we can access memories and stored information more effectively, we perform better and we are more likely to focus on a positive outcome.

This is true for all situations, especially stressful, anxietyprovoking and irritating situations, from big problems to minor annoyances.

If we are so much more effective when we feel good, doesn’t it make sense, then, that the highest goal in our lives ought to be to feel happy, strong and confident as much of the time as possible and not to allow anyone or anything become a reason for us to LET GO of our happiness?

I know that, in practice, this is impossible to accomplish all the time. However, it’s worth striving for because it makes any other goal in our lives easier to achieve and problems easier to solve.

What this means with regard to dealing with difficult people is that your first goal is to feel calm, strong and confident when you are in the presence of the difficult person, ESPECIALLY when they are engaging in their difficult behavior.

In order to do this, you will need to desensitize


yourself, to lose your sensitive spot, so that you don’t react in a negative way to their provocations any longer.

What this does NOT mean, however, is that you sit back and do nothing about your situation!

Some people assume that if they don’t get angry or upset, then it means that they are giving PERMISSION to the other person to continue with their annoying behavior!

This could not be farther from the truth. Consider this…

The next time you are in your stressful situation with a difficult person, would you rather feel frustrated, stressed and upset?… or calm, strong and confident?

That was easy. Now think about this…

In which mental state do you think you would be more capable of DEALING WITH this situation successfully – frustrated and upset… or strong and confident?

It’s obvious, isn’t it?

Any effective action, even if it is unpleasant to the other person such as firing someone or confronting them on their behavior, can be done more effectively when you are feeling strong and confident (i.e., a positive emotional state) versus feeling frustrated and upset (i.e., a negative emotional state).


But that’s easier said than done, right? Easy for me to say, “Feel good first”, but how exactly do you do that when the difficult person is being so frustrating and annoying?

How do you stay calm and confident when your sensitive spot is being activated, or in other words, when your buttons are being pushed?

This is what I have spent the last 10 years working on. The result is The Wellspring Method – a stepby step procedure for tapping into your personal power in the face of difficulty and then using this positive emotional state to resolve the problem.

The chapters in the following section will reveal this empowering process to you that has already helped hundreds of other people facing difficult situations create profound and positive changes in their lives.



• Don’t act on your negative emotions.

The reason that a person or situation becomes "a problem" is because that person or situation is triggering a negative emotion in you.

If you act on your negative feelings, you will always automatically do the wrong thing.

Our emotions get in the way of our being able to follow through with the constructive approaches that we know we should be taking.

• Don’t begin by focusing on the other person’s behavior.

Don’t fall into the trap of expecting the other person to change first. It doesn’t work.

The other person is no more in control of their emotions than you are. They, too, are reacting automatically to you and the situation.

• Recognize that there are two equally important parts that are necessary to create the stress.

1. The other person’s behavior (the stressor), and,

2. Your personal reaction to it (your stress reaction). Start by focusing on your own emotional reactions and desensitizing your sensitive spots.


• Feel good FIRST, and THEN deal with the problem.

When we are stressed or upset, we don’t handle things very well and it's much HARDER to solve problems.

Positive feelings open doors inside our minds. If we first take a little time to change our emotional state into a positive feeling, such as confidence, determination, strength, sympathy, understanding, good humour, etc., then EVERYTHING changes.

When we are feeling good we are more creative, we can think of solutions easier, we can access memories and stored information more effectively, we perform better and we are more likely to focus on a positive outcome.

• Make your highest goal to feel good as much of the time as possible.

Do not allow anyone or anything become a reason for you to let go of your happiness.

Your first goal is to feel calm, strong and confident when you are in the presence of the difficult person, ESPECIALLY when they are engaging in their difficult behavior.

Ask yourself, in which mental state would you be more capable of dealing with your situation successfully – frustrated and upset… or strong and confident?


The Wellspring Method, described in the chapters that follow, is a stepbystep procedure for tapping into your personal power and then using this positive emotional state to resolve the problem of dealing with the difficult people in your life…

33 _______________________________________________________

Part 2

Feeling Good First… The Wellspring Method The Wellspring Method enables you to turn your

frustration, anxiety and stress into calmness, strength and confidence when dealing with difficult people and difficult situations.

To use the Wellspring Method audio program, in which I personally guide you through your difficulty, help you eliminate your sensitive spots and tap into your personal power, visit www.shrinkinabox.com.


How to Target the Problem Behavior 35 _______________________________________________________

3

How to Target the Problem Behavior

Feeling good, (i.e., calm, strong and confident) when you are dealing with a difficult person may be easier said than done, but it’s not impossible.

There are a series of logical steps that I have discovered that lead a person out of a stressed and ineffective emotional state and into a proactive and confident mental state.

Each of these steps builds on the one before it so as to create an increasingly powerful shift inside of you.

This progressive shift into your personal power is what I call “the Wellspring Phenomenon” and the series of steps to achieve it is called “the Wellspring Method”.


The Recipe for Success

If a friend served a dessert that you really liked, you might ask for the recipe.

Why? Because you know that a recipe is a stepby step set of instructions that will give you exactly the same results.

What I am about to share with you is a recipe for interpersonal success. It has been timetested in a wide variety of real life problem situations and can give you the ability to transform situations with difficult people into the successful results you want.

Over the past 30 years I’ve helped hundreds of people solve a host of problems and I’ve probably dealt with more difficult people than you would ever want to meet in your lifetime!

It’s actually much quicker, and probably more effective, to use the Wellspring Method audio program to cause a genuine shift in your emotions versus reading about it in this book.

However, the advantage of reading about it here is that I can explain the various strategies and go through the steps with you in greater detail. I can also provide you with numerous real life examples.

Breaking the Problem Down Into Bite‐Sized Chunks

Michel Lotito of Grenoble, France achieved


notoriety in the Guiness World Book of Records by eating a bicycle.

How did he achieve this apparently impossible feat? He cut it up into tiny pieces that he gradually consumed over the course of a year.

Why? God only knows.

The point is that anything can be achieved if you break it down into smaller chunks and take it one step at a time. It's how skyscrapers are built, how mountaineers climb Mt. Everest, how we lose 20 pounds or build a successful business.

So, the first step in the process of dealing with a difficult person is to recognize that you’re not going to solve this problem all at once.

Furthermore, there are likely several different ways that your stress emotions become triggered when dealing with your difficult person.

For example, let’s say you are an employer who feels nervous about confronting a difficult employee concerning some behavior that is causing a problem.

We want to identify the various aspects of the situation that are contributing to your feeling of anxiety.

The first and most obvious situation that might trigger your sensitive spot would be a scenario in which the employee became offended and angry or even hostile during the meeting.


But even if you felt good about handling that, there may be other scenarios that bother you, such as imagining the employee saying negative things about you behind your back after the meeting to the other employees.

A third piece may be a scene from the night before your meeting and your anxiety that you won’t be adequately prepared to handle the issues.

I have found that it’s difficult to identify all of the pieces contributing to a problem at the beginning. Usually, however, it’s easy to identify the first part – the situation with the difficult person that you can’t stop thinking about!

Your mind may have been going in circles just on this one situation alone for quite some time!

After you feel good about handling this first part, THEN your mind will be ready to identify the next piece, and so on.

So, here’s how we do it.

First, rate your level of negative emotion (your stress, anger, frustration, hurt, anxiety, etc.) about the difficult person or situation from 1 to 10 out of 10, with 10 being the most intense level of emotion.

Level of Stress (negative emotion) = ___/10

Now, ask yourself what that level of stress is about... In other words, what is it that still bothers you? Now, write that down.


Next, picture this as a scene in your mind.

This scene should be a situation in which the difficult person is pushing your buttons and it should be clear enough that you can easily identify the exact behavior that is triggering you.

Now, imagine being in a similar situation with this person again in the future – they are doing the same thing and your emotions are being triggered. We’ll call this “Scenario A”.

“Scenario A” is the first piece of the problem to be solved. It’s very useful to target a particular situation like this because it helps you to stay focused on specific practical solutions rather than letting your mind wander in circles of confusion.

Once you see a solution for “Scenario A” (I'll show you how later) and you’re feeling better, then you can remeasure Your Level of Stress. Very likely it will be a bit lower this time and you’ll be able to identify the next part that is still bothering you, namely “Scenario B”.

You can go through the steps in the follow chapters for each one of the scenarios (each piece of the problem) until you have a solution for all of them and your Level of Stress has dropped all the way down to a 0 or 1 out of 10.

When you have eliminated your emotional stress reactions, dealing with the actual situation out in the real world will be far easier than you can imagine.


Ok, now that we’ve identified the first scenario…

Let's Take a Look at Your Usual Pattern

How do you usually feel and how do you usually react when you are in “Scenario A”?

Do you generally try to avoid the situation if at all possible? Perhaps you react by complaining or criticizing the other person because you feel annoyed or hurt.

Do you tend to get into arguments with that person? Or maybe you just hold your feelings inside, secretly feeling frustrated and annoyed, only to express how you feel later when you complain about the person to someone else.

Maybe instead of talking to anyone about the problem you just stew about it, even lose sleep over it.

Sometimes people with a negative or depressed attitude elicit sympathetic feelings in us and a desire to help them solve their problems. After trying to be supportive you may discover that they are in a pattern of negativity and helplessness and any help you offer simply feeds their powerless pattern.

Controlling people can cause us to walk on eggshells around them, afraid of saying something wrong. Instead of fighting we may become compliant and subservient, yet resentful, of their demands.

Whatever your situation or your reaction, imagine continuing to deal with it in the same way you usually


do for MONTHS into the future…

How will things turn out for you if you keep on doing the same old thing?

Imagine the complaining and the criticizing and the fighting continuing. Imagine the ongoing inner tension, the frustrated helpfulness, the walking on eggshells and the resentment.

Picturing the negative outcomes that will occur if you keep on doing the ineffective things that you are doing now is a very useful way of helping yourself to break free of your old pattern.

When you take a look at the consequences of staying in your negative feelings and engaging in your negative actions (or inaction) and you see for yourself that it is not solving anything, it helps you become truly ready for a new approach.

This is the easiest way to begin because all you have to do is imagine continuing to do what you are already doing and play it out to its logical conclusion, which unfortunately, does not usually produce very appealing results.

By doing this step you set yourself up perfectly for the next logical question – “How do I want things to be instead?”

In other words, if continuing to react, feel and do what you are currently doing is going to produce an outcome that you DON’T want, then what outcome DO you want?


Most people simply do not take the time to even think about their desired outcome. And if they do, it is often hastily described in terms of what they DON’T want – namely for the other person to STOP doing the annoying things that they are doing.

This, of course, is not a very useful goal. The next chapter will show you how to set a goal that is much more likely to lead to a positive result.



• Break the problem down into bitesized chunks.

The first step in the process is to recognize that you’re not going to solve this problem all at once.

Rate your level of negative emotion (your stress, anger, frustration, hurt, anxiety, etc.) about the difficult person or situation from 1 to 10 out of 10, with 10 being the most intense level of emotion.

Next, picture this as a scene in your mind. This is “Scenario A”, the first piece of the problem to be solved.

• Deal with the problem one piece at a time.

Once you see a solution for “Scenario A” (I'll show you how later) and you’re feeling better, then you can remeasure Your Level of Stress. Very likely it will be a bit lower this time and you’ll be able to identify the next part that is still bothering you, namely “Scenario B”.

Continue this process until your Level of Stress has dropped all the way down to a 0 or 1 out of 10.

When you have eliminated your emotional stress reactions, dealing with the actual situation out in the real world will be far easier than you can imagine.

• Take a look at your usual pattern.

Imagine continuing to deal with your difficult


person or situation in the same way you usually do for MONTHS into the future. How will things turn out for you if you keep on reacting the way you do?

Picturing the negative outcomes that will occur if you keep on doing the ineffective things that you are doing now is a very useful way of helping yourself to break free of your old pattern.

By doing this step you set yourself up perfectly for the next logical question – “How do I want things to be instead?”

How to Be Clear About What You Want 45 _______________________________________________________

4

How to Be Clear About What You Want

When I ask people how they would like their situation to be instead of the way it is now, they often say, “I want to feel calm and confident when I’m dealing with this person.”

This is great, but you need to go a step further.

If the whole interaction with the person you are dealing with could be different and things could be going well, what would that look like?

If the situation could be different and better somehow, what exactly would be happening? How would they be behaving? What would you be DOING differently instead of just FEELING stronger? What would your interaction look like?

In other words, if the problem could be completely resolved somehow describe the outcome you want


using positive terms only (without the words “not”, “stop”, “less”, etc.).

Be realistic here, though. You can’t change a person’s core personality, so don’t set a goal that you KNOW is impossible.

On the other hand, people can change their behavior a lot more than you might think, given the right motivation.

This whole thing about envisioning a positive outcome is like the experience of walking along the path of life and running into a wall – a tall stone structure that is totally blocking your way, and your happiness.

After stressing out for awhile and realizing that this is getting you nowhere, you decide to backtrack up to the top of a hill where you can get a view of what lies beyond the wall.

Let’s say you see something appealing on the other side of the wall, such as a beautiful seaside resort. In this case, you would probably not describe your goal as, “I want the wall to stop being so difficult” or, “I wish the wall would just go away”.

You would be far more likely to describe your goal as, “I want to be at that beautiful resort sipping margaritas by the ocean!”

This is what I mean by describing your goal, the outcome you want, in positive terms.


Why This Step is So Important

Let’s say that two people decided they wanted to move away from Victoria, BC – I really don’t know why anyone would want to leave, but let’s say they do.

Since Victoria is situated on the West Coast, both people set sail in their sailboats. Person “A” just wanted to “not be in Victoria”, so they set sail with no specific destination in mind, just NOT Victoria.

Person “B” also did not want to live in Victoria and they decided where they would rather live… Hawaii. So, they charted a course for the land of pineapples and Mai Tai's.

Now, which person do you think is more likely to end up somewhere good?

It’s not hard to see is it? Person “A” MIGHT end up somewhere good, but they could also end up somewhere much WORSE, perhaps even stranded in the middle of the Pacific Ocean whereas Person “B” is much more likely to achieve the positive goal they envisioned.

It’s no different with relationships and situations with difficult people. So, I highly recommend that you take the time to do the preliminary thinking to become clear about the POSITIVE way you want things to be with that person. It’ll be well worth your time!

Now, visualize it. Because what you see (in your mind’s eye) is what you will probably get.


Here’s the reason why this is true...

How New Reality is Created

Motivational speakers often talk about beliefs and how they determine our emotions and our behavior. They say, "Change your beliefs, change your life!" But there's a lot more to it than that.

My experience with hypnosis and work with the subconscious mind has shown me that we live in two realities all of the time... an inner reality and an outer reality. Most of the time, the two are in alignment with one another, but sometimes it's possible to see signs of their separate existence.

For example, if a person loses an arm or a leg, they experience what is called the "phantom limb phenomenon” in which they literally continue to perceive the amputated limb still attached to their body. They will even have physical sensations in that nonexistent body part, such as a pain or an itch. In their inner reality, the limb is still a part of their body while in outer reality it is not. It's not a matter of simple belief. It's the person's actual experience.

Our inner reality is the sum total of all our past experiences, our upbringing, our learning, our values, our personal comfort levels, our expectations of how people behave toward us, our perception of what we are capable of, etc.

It is all of our beliefs, thoughts and feelings about the world as we know it all bundled together in a virtual reality experience inside our heads AND


outside of our normal conscious awareness!

The reason this is so important is the fact that, most of the time, inner reality precedes outer reality.

In other words, the outer reality we live in is a reflection of our inner reality. We unconsciously create our outer lives to match up with the life we have on the inside, for better or worse, clear or confused, whether we realize it or not.

We see it all the time. An upbringing in poverty often results in poverty. An attitude of wealth creates more wealth. People abused as children often end up in abusive relationships. People who believe in themselves attract people who also believe in them.

Therefore, if you want to be successful with difficult people, construct an inner reality in which you see the other person showing the desirable behavior that you want to see, such as cooperativeness, friendliness, receptiveness to new ideas... and smiling!

It’s equally important to see yourself in that inner reality behaving in the positive manner that BRINGS OUT these good qualities in this person!

So, sit back for a few minutes and construct a movie inside your head in which things are going well with the other person – where things are just the way you would like them to be.

For now, you will need to set aside all of your negative images and uncertainties about HOW you are


going to make this happen. Don’t worry about those details just yet.

If we use our wall analogy again, you may have no idea as to how you are going to conquer that wall. You simply know that the seaside resort looks EXTREMELY appealing and that you will definitely find a way somehow.

So, take a moment to visualize the positive end result that you’d like to see. MAKE IT DETAILED, CLEAR AND WHAT YOU REALLY WANT because this will be your goal, your seaside resort, and you will need to take 100% responsibility for bringing it into your reality…

(I’m waiting for you to finish. Take your time………..)

Now that you have your positive goal clearly in mind, we need to return to the wall… and conquer it.



• Identify your goal clearly in positive terms.

Describe your goal in terms of actual changes in behaviors and events that you would like to see, not just in terms of feeling better or more confident.

If the situation could be different and better somehow, what exactly would be happening? How would they be behaving? What would you be DOING differently instead of just FEELING stronger? What would your interaction look like?

Describe your goal in positive terms, not negative. In other words, what positive things would be taking place rather than the behavior you wish would “stop” or “not be happening”.

• Visualize the outcome you desire.

What you are “seeing” inside your mind is what you will most likely get, for better or worse.

Reality is usually (but not always) created from the inside out, so imagine the outcome you TRULY want.

If you want to be successful with difficult people, construct an inner reality in which you see the other person showing the desirable behavior that you want to see, such as cooperativeness, friendliness, receptiveness to new ideas… and smiling!

Also, visualize the way YOU want to be in your interactions with the other person or people. Take a


moment to visualize this as a detailed, clear and positive end result that you’d like to create and make this your goal.

How to Stay Calm and Be Confident 53 _______________________________________________________

5

How to Stay Calm and Be Confident

Up to this point we’ve done a lot of talking about feeling good and focusing on your positive goal (the seaside resort), but we haven’t actually done anything to shift your emotions.

Although it may be possible to feel more confident and positive simply by focusing on feeling that way, these feelings can be challenging to hold onto when you are in the middle of dealing with a difficult person (the wall).

In Yosemite National Park in California, there’s a sheer granite cliff that launches 4737 feet (almost a mile) into the air STRAIGHT UP! It is appropriately named “The Wall”.

From a distance The Wall looks absolutely flat and


vertical, and impossible to climb. This is how many life problems, including difficult people, seem when you first encounter them – impossible to deal with.

However, as one moves closer to The Wall, the crannies and footholds start to appear and the way to proceed becomes clear.

People actually do climb those imposing sheer cliffs. I understand that it takes two days, which means that half way up they must pound in their pitons, string a hammock and sleep overnight hovering 2500 ft above the earth below!

I guess the good news is that they don’t have to worry about booking ahead for a camping spot.

My point is that when you focus on a problem with the intention of solving it rather than just trying to get rid of it, the solutions WILL show up, either in the form of creative ideas from within you or by way of ideas and assistance from others. Your mind WILL find a way to deal with things, which appear at first glance to be impossible.

How to Shift Your Perceptions

A key to changing your emotional reactions to a difficult person is to see that person in a different light.

Have you ever noticed when you were first solving a puzzle, such as the Rubic’s Cube, how difficult it seemed to be? But then, after you discovered the solution, it seemed easy?


Or, perhaps you went on a hike and it seemed to be taking forever to reach your destination. Maybe you wearily enquired of approaching hikers, “How much farther is it to the end?”

Have you ever noticed how the return trip seemed like a piece of cake?

These are examples of “mental sets” in action. A mental set is a snapshot of a piece of your inner reality that includes your perceptions, your beliefs, your attitudes and your feelings.

In the examples, your initial mental set was, “This puzzle is impossible. I don’t see how anyone could solve this,” or “I have no idea how far this trail goes. Maybe it’s too far. Maybe it’s just a waste of time and energy.”

Your inner reality then switched to the following mental set, “This puzzle wasn’t so hard after all,” or “Now that we have reached the lookout, there’s nothing to worry about. Going back along the trail will be easy.”

If you could have approached the initial problem with the same attitude of confidence and ease, the whole challenge would have been less stressful and perhaps faster with less doubt and secondguessing.

One thing I have learned about dealing with difficult people is that NO ONE is difficult ALL of the time. And yet, once we’ve had an encounter with a difficult person there’s a tendency for us to assume that they will ALWAYS be difficult in the future.


If we take that attitude, and we expect the person to be difficult, we will unconsciously approach them in a way that will automatically tend to bring out their “difficultness”.

But if we can approach a person who has been difficult in the past by anticipating cooperation and good feelings, then it’s more likely they will respond accordingly.

Of course, there’s no guarantee. They might still behave in a difficult manner, but it is MORE LIKELY to be a positive interchange.

So, how do you purposely create a perception shift within your inner reality with regard to a person who has triggered your negative feelings in the past?

In other words, how do you eliminate your usual attitude of frustration, anxiety or stress and expecting things to be difficult, with an attitude of calmness and confidence with the expectation of a positive outcome?

The secret is to borrow the positive attitude and the confident feelings from another mental set that exists somewhere else inside your mind.

If you think of your mind as being like a computer it might make more sense.

The different programs that exist in your computer are like mental sets. To succeed with a certain task, you may need to switch to a different program in order to achieve the result you want.


Blending Mental Sets

Now, where would we find a mental set inside your mind that is associated with confidence and good feelings?

Just think of some time in your life when you felt that way – when you felt really good. It’s best for it to be a memory that is totally unrelated to the difficult person.

It could be a simple experience such as walking along a beach or along a path in nature. It could be a fun social event or a significant accomplishment.

You could think of a recent experience or some enjoyable event from the past.

It doesn’t matter what the experience was, as long as it FEELS GOOD to think about!

Now, close your eyes and go into that experience… and purposely allow yourself to feel those good feelings again.

Some people have told me that they can’t think of a good experience. This is just avoidance. By persisting, everyone can come up with some positive experience that occurred at some point in their life that feels good to think about.

Now, bring to mind your Scenario “A” again – remember Scenario “A”? …the problem scenario with the difficult person?


Now, purposely blend the two scenes together. Put the strong, confident, good feelings from your positive experience into the scene with the difficult person.

In my office, I actually have people tap their legs back and forth with their fingers with their eyes closed while they do this because it seems to help with the blending process.

Keep going as you mix these two scenes together inside your mind until you see a new and different way of handling the problem situation…

(You can go ahead and do this for about 30 to 40 seconds. I’ll wait for you…)

It’s very interesting to see what people come up with when they do this.

One man pictured walking along the beach with his new dog. He blended this scene into the challenging scenario of starting work at a new company where he felt intimidated by a coworker.

Although he didn’t consciously choose the positive scene, he realized that he had obtained this dog from a previous owner and that starting his new job was similar to his dog developing a new relationship with him.

He decided to approach the new coworker with the same positive friendliness that his dog had shown in engaging him. His whole work situation somehow felt better after that.


Here’s another example, and although it’s not about dealing with a difficult person, it will demonstrate the power of blending mental sets.

I helped a 9yearold child one time who was afraid of loud noises. In fact, she was so terrified of loud sounds that venturing out on Halloween seemed impossible for her as she anticipated the frightening sounds of firecrackers exploding in the dark.

The positive scene she imagined was that of playing a fun board game called “Surprise” (or something like that) in which the centrepiece suddenly bursts apart when the final critical piece is removed.

When she blended the two scenes together, she realized that the Surprise Game was similar to the sudden firecracker sounds. She was then able to feel the same fun feeling when the firecrackers exploded.

After a couple of years of being afraid of loud noises, her whole attitude shifted in one session and, for the first time ever, she enjoyed going out on Halloween.

Taking on the Persona of a Successful Role Model

At middle age I learned to downhill ski.

On the bunny hill, I was feeling a bit nervous and it didn’t help at all when I observed a woman who was so petrified of falling that she was practically frozen stiff and could barely move an inch.


I knew that I did NOT want to end up like her and I preferred to adopt a mental set of success, so I thought to myself, “Who do I know who would learn to ski easily and also have fun doing it?”

The answer came immediately… My 8yearold son, Dean. I knew that he wouldn’t think twice about it. He’d just go out and have fun, and if he fell down he’d just laugh, get up and go for more!

So, I decided to pretend that I was an 8yearold just like him (being him exactly would be impossible, so I imagined that I was someone who was LIKE him).

It worked. It made a huge difference in how I felt and in how I approached the whole thing… and I had FUN!

Well, if you’re dealing with a difficult person, wouldn’t it help if you imagined that you were just like someone who could handle the situation confidently and effectively?

If you can’t handle a situation, why not imagine that you are someone who can?

Imagine someone who would be able to handle your situation easily and effectively – a colleague, a friend, a business associate, a relative, a leader in your organization or in your community, a TV personality, an admired historical figure, even a fictional hero from the movies…

Imagine that you are someone who is just like this person – the same positive qualities, a similar


confident attitude, a similar admirable approach to the situation.

By purposely using this technique you can inspire yourself to rise above a situation and become someone who is capable of bringing out the best in others.

The Law of Attraction

In the Dr. Seuss story, “The Grinch That Stole Christmas”, the Grinch was a horrible difficult person who hated Christmas and anyone who celebrated it.

Cindy Lou Who, however, did not see the Grinch as horrible, but rather, as someone who just needed a friend.

Simply stated, the Law of Attraction states that if you see a person as difficult, they will become difficult.

As for the Grinch, Cindy Lou saw him as her friend, and he became her friend.

If you see someone as “just under some stress”, or “having a bad day”, or “doing the best they can based on the life experiences they’ve had”, or “in need of some understanding or friendship”, it’s likely that you will create a very different and more positive result.

So, use the Law of Attraction to your advantage. Decide to see the positive potential in the other person.

In this chapter I have attempted to show you how to change your perceptions, and your feelings about,


the difficult person you are encountering in your life.

It doesn’t really matter how you do it. The bottom line, however, is that you must develop some kind of positive attitude towards this person and the situation if you are to be truly successful in achieving your goal (the way you want things to be from chapter 4).

You must stop blaming (even internally), stop complaining (even to yourself) and stop feeling victimized in order to start seriously working on the problem of creating change.

The only way to do this successfully is to change your perception of the other person to something more positive and to proactively approach the situation feeling calm, strong and confident.

We'll work on this some more in the next chapter.



• Be prepared to shift your perception of the “difficult” person.

When you focus on a problem with the intention of solving it rather than just trying to get rid of it, the solutions WILL show up, either in the form of creative ideas from within you or by way of ideas and assistance from others. Your mind WILL find a way to deal with things, which appear at first glance to be impossible.

The secret is to borrow the positive attitude and the confident feelings from another mental set that exists somewhere else inside your mind.

• Blend your positive and negative mental sets together.

Choose a positive mental set by thinking of a time in your life when you felt really good. It’s best for it to be a memory that is totally unrelated to the difficult person.

Visualize this positive mental set for a while to bring back the good feelings.

Bring to mind Scenario “A”, a scene of dealing with the difficult person in the future.

Blend the good feelings from the positive scene into Scenario “A” until you see a new and different way of handling the problem situation.


• Take on the persona of a successful role model.

Imagine someone who would be able to handle your situation confidently, easily and effectively.

Imagine that you are someone who is just like this person. Take on their qualities, attitude and approach to the situation.

• Use the Law of Attraction to your benefit.

The Law of Attraction states that if you see a person as difficult, they will become difficult. Therefore, decide to see the positive potential in the other person.

The bottom line is that you must develop some kind of positive attitude towards this person if you are to be truly successful in achieving your goal.

How to Think Through Your Plan 65 _______________________________________________________

6

How to Think Through Your Plan

All right, so let’s say that you’ve identified a specific interaction that triggers your stress, you’ve also become clear about the way you’d like things to be and you’ve managed to shift into a more positive mindset about the situation.

You may already be familiar with the principles that I have set out so far, although you may not have consistently applied them to the problem of difficult people.

However, I want to take things another step further – a step that most people never take, or have even heard of.

Before you go and tackle the difficult person in your life, I want you to play things through in your mind first.


However, I’m not talking about the often recommended approach of visualizing the perfect outcome.

I want you to mentally practice dealing with your challenging scenario (Scenario “A”) until you feel confident that you can handle it.

When you first learned how to ride a bike, learned to swim, learned how to play an instrument or learned some other complicated task, you didn’t do it perfectly the first time. In fact, you may have had some fear, anxiety or frustration to overcome at first before you were able to do it successfully.

In the same way, dealing with difficult people takes practice, but the problem is that it’s impossible to set up regular rehearsal sessions like you could with bike riding or swimming or playing an instrument.

Difficult people usually aren’t that cooperative about giving you difficult behavior at the exact time that you’re ready to practice dealing with it and they don’t usually give you the chance to rewind and run through it a second, third or fourth time, etc. just so that you can improve your technique!

Well, the solution is “mental practice”.

Mental practice has been shown to be almost as effective as physical practice in developing a skill – so effective, in fact, that it has become an important part of Olympic and professional sports training in most types of competition.


What I recommend is that you start with Scenario “A”, blend in your calm confident feelings, approach the situation in a positive manner and mentally play out what you think is most likely to happen.

Simply imagine what you would really do if you were in the situation with the difficult person in the coming week and take your best guess at what that person would do – how they would react, what they would say, and so on.

Now, if you were totally honest with yourself, it’s not likely that this scenario would go smooth as silk the first time. You may not even see yourself doing anything very differently at all!

However, if you imagine that you had the chance to deal with the same situation again the next day, and the next, and the next and so on, you could use the opportunity to improve your approach.

After all, it’s very likely that, in reality, you’ll be going through more encounters with the difficult person in the future anyway.

So, I’m simply asking that you play things forward into the future inside your mind and take your best guess at what you would do and see what would most likely happen as a result.

By being realistic in your visualizations and seeing the problems and errors, rather than trying to picture the perfect outcome, it provides your mind with the opportunity to learn.


If you really did have the chance to try a particular encounter over again, it’s not very likely that that you would do the exact same thing again when it didn’t work out very well the first time.

Therefore, each time you run through it in your mind, you can experiment with different ways of handling it until you eventually come up with an approach that seems to produce a more satisfactory result.

There are several advantages to using this mental practice technique:

1. Instead of going through months of challenges with the difficult person as you try to figure out how to cope with them, you can cover the same ground and think through all of the possibilities in a matter of minutes inside your mind. This saves A LOT of time,

2. It gives you the opportunity to make mistakes and learn from them without any serious repercussions,

3. It allows you play out your negative urges, which allows them to dissipate,

4. It gives you a way to desensitize to the difficult person and their triggering behavior, and,

5. By being very persistent with a sticky problem and continuing to practice ways of dealing with the same scenario over and over again, you will cause your mind to go beyond its usual


way of thinking, to dig deep and to eventually break out of its old pattern into a whole new way of looking at the situation. This is often associated with a feeling of insight that I call “The Wellspring Phenomenon”.

Thinking Through the Possibilities

Within every problem there is a perfect opportunity.

The way to discover it is to play through the scenario inside your mind one time after another, all the while blending in the calm confident feelings from your positive experience and staying focused on achieving your goal.

Like the experience of climbers at “The Wall” in Yosemite National Park, the crannies and footholds will start to appear for the problem that you are facing. You’ll start to get new and creative ideas as you continue to imagine how you would deal with your challenging scenario.

As these new ideas pop into your mind, they may seem to be silly, or insignificant or simply unacceptable. However, the beauty of mental practice is the fact that you can try out ANY crazy idea no matter how absurd or worthless it may appear to be.

It’s like trying various combinations to open a lock as you conduct your “mental experiments”.


What I have found is that our subconscious minds communicate important information to us in unusual, often highly symbolic, ways.

So, by simply going with your instincts and giving permission to yourself to pursue these novel ideas, you can actually discover ways of approaching the situation with the difficult person that are remarkably creative and effective!

One woman, who I shall call “Cindy”, was dealing with her difficult exhusband who would leave upsetting voicemail messages or send blaming and judging emails whenever he was angry about something. His discontent and intimidation would always cause her anxiety to “skyrocket”.

By thinking things through using the mental practice component of the Wellspring Method she was able to look at things from a new perspective and become more detached from his provocations.

Eventually, she experienced a feeling of “Wow, I’m free!” as she realized that he could no longer trigger her fears and distress.

She was then able to deal with him in a much more calm, constructive and assertive way that ultimately led to a respectful ongoing friendship as divorced parents of their children.

I find it very useful to view the subconscious mind as a vast resource of untapped potential and knowledge that is ready and willing to help us out if we just pay attention to it and give it permission to be


expressed.

Communications from your subconscious mind often take the form of little urges or feelings, or sometimes persistent or unusual thoughts.

These thoughts and urges and feelings can be easily ignored, but when you close your eyes and spend a little time inside your mind working on a problem in a state of calmness, they can be heard and felt more easily – like patiently watching for the stars to come out at night.

On Making Mistakes

It’s actually good to make mistakes, as long as you learn from them.

But it’s even better to make these mistakes inside your mind first, before you commit them to action. Remember the Carpenter’s Rule: “Measure twice, cut once”.

When I guide a person through the Wellspring Method in my office, one of my biggest challenges is to get people to make enough mistakes.

I mean, isn’t it better to imagine every possible way of “screwing up” so that you can see what you would do if it really happened rather than ignoring these possibilities and finding yourself in a pickle?

Inside your mind there are no consequences. It’s perfectly safe to try anything in your imagination.


I think there is tremendous value in looking at what could go wrong, especially after you have come up with a good way to handle a situation. By troubleshooting you’ll ferret out the weaknesses in your plan, tweak it and improve on it.

So, as you think through Scenario “A” several times, feel free to imagine things not going well. Go ahead and make mistakes and just proceed to the next day in your imagination and try again.

It’s the same way you learned how to ride a bike or play an instrument. You made mistakes freely and then you just practiced some more.

Playing Out Your Urges

In a similar way, you should give yourself permission to play out any urges that come into your mind, either good or bad.

Go with whatever you FEEL like doing next in the situation, whether it seems right or wrong (after all, it's only happening in your imagination).

Giving yourself full permission to play out any desire or urge is useful because there’s a beneficial emotional release in this. It helps you let go of anger, frustration and stress and move on to more constructive ideas.

For example, if you felt the desire to blow up at your criticizing mother, you should not try to force yourself to come up with the “right” way to handle the


situation, but rather, you should picture yourself actually blowing up, play it forward, and discover what happens as a result.

The result of this course of action would probably not be good, but it would be extremely valuable for you to see this for yourself. Then, the next time you visualized your mother criticizing, chances are you would actually FEEL like handling it differently.

With that troublesome urge cleared out of the way, you would then be free to go beyond it to discover a new and better solution.

So, do not resist an urge or a thought. Instead, try it out as an imaginary experiment to see where it leads.

Many courses, books and audio programs do not allow you to express your feelings through a safe feedback process like this, which allows you to learn from your urges, failures and successes. In my opinion, this is one reason why they do not produce consistent results.

I think that by giving your mind the freedom to play out its urges and see the results of these choices, you will effectively dissipate them and open the way to new ideas.

Desensitizing Yourself

Another good way to eliminate your sensitive spots and stay out of the Difficult People Tango is to


purposely “desensitize” yourself to the other person’s buttonpushing behaviors.

Once the other person no longer triggers you, you will be free to do and say the things that will actually be effective in changing the whole situation.

As long as your anxiety, frustration or any other negative emotion is being triggered by your situation (e.g. Scenario “A”) you will be restricted to your automatic conditioned response (your Pavlovian conditioning), which will very likely make things worse.

If your Level of Stress (from Chapter 3) was greater than 4 out of 10, you have a sensitive spot (an automatic stress reaction) that needs desensitization!

It’s very possible that you have already experienced desensitization at some point in your life.

A simple example is when a person moves into a house near a busy street. They often can’t sleep at first because of the traffic noise. However, as time passes their brain “accommodates” to the sound and the person stops reacting to it and even stops hearing it.

Perhaps you experienced some fear when you were first learning to swim, or perhaps you know of a child who is in the process of learning to swim.

At first, there may have been some cautiousness or anxiety, but gradually as the child became more familiar with the pool in a supportive environment they started to relax and have fun.


If the new conditioning continued, they became desensitized to the water, which no longer triggered a fear response. Instead, the water became associated with a happy feeling instead. Subsequently, even the thought of swimming may have brought happiness to the child (or you).

Desensitization occurs most quickly when a person totally immerses themselves in the experience.

It’s well known, for example, that the fastest way to learn a new language is to go and live in that country where you will hear and practice the new language throughout the entire day.

However, our automatic tendency with difficult people is to avoid these uncomfortable situations in the same way a child who is afraid of the water avoids swimming.

Therefore, the best way to desensitize yourself to someone’s difficult behavior is to imagine that you are dealing with it every single day for weeks at a time.

If you were to take Scenario “A” and visualize that situation occurring one day after another, your emotional reaction will begin to shift as you imagine what you would do if you had to cope with that situation repeatedly.

Earlier in this chapter I talked about using mental practice to think through the possibilities, to make mistakes and to play out your urges, but I should point out that while you are doing these things you are also desensitizing yourself at the same time.


Every time you imagine being in the difficult situation (e.g. Scenario “A”) and you play it through to a conclusion, you are desensitizing a little more.

Let me give you an example in its purest form. Let’s say that someone you know has a voice and a manner of speaking that you find annoying. It’s harmless, but for some reason the way they talk just grates like nails on a blackboard to you.

In other words, you have a sensitive spot that makes you react with annoyance to their particular tone of voice and way of speaking. “Scenario A” might be an image of this person speaking to you during your lunch break.

Now, in this particular situation there really aren’t any changes needed in the situation other than for you to lose your emotional reaction somehow.

Clearly, the other person is entitled to speak in the way they are accustomed to and their behavior isn’t interfering with anyone’s rights. Furthermore, other people don’t seem to react with the same intensity as you.

This is a pure example of the need for desensitization because there is no need to do anything to influence the other person to change their behavior.

All that needs to happen is for you to desensitize yourself – to somehow eliminate your emotional reaction to the extent that you don’t even notice their way of speaking any more.


You will then be free to see the positive qualities of that person and get to know them for who they really are.

The way to go about desensitizing yourself is as follows:

1. Establish a goal of feeling good and being ok with the other person’s way of speaking,

2. Blend in the good feelings from your “positive experience” scene as you imagine being in this person’s presence and having a conversation with them. Play it all the way through to the end of the conversation,

3. Next, imagine having a conversation with them again the next day, and play it through to the end,

4. Go to the next day and imagine a third conversation. Notice if your emotional reaction is a little less this time. Maybe you start to discover that the other person actually has some interesting things to say,

5. Run through another conversation on the fourth day. Perhaps you find out that you have something in common and the conversations are becoming more enjoyable,

6. Imagine daily conversations occurring over the next two weeks and notice what happens. It’s very likely that your emotional reaction will simply wear itself out.


You’ll probably find that if your annoyance continues for several days that eventually something inside of you shifts and you decide that staying annoyed just isn’t worth the effort.

You may discover that conversations with the other person start to become more interesting or enjoyable and that the way they talk is just no big deal any more. You might even find that their manner of speech has an endearing quality as you become friends.

7. Once your emotional reaction has shifted and your mind can see a whole new way of being in “Scenario A”, then the actual situation in real life will automatically change as well. Your attitude towards them will be different.

8. Of course, to really solidify your newly desensitized behavior pattern, you should initiate a few real life conversations with the person. It’s possible that you may have overlooked some aspect of the annoying behavior and you find yourself still reacting to something. In this case, simply identify this as “Scenario B” and run that one through your mind a few times until you have desensitized completely.

However, it's more likely that YOUR difficult person is doing something that is socially inappropriate and which may even be interfering with your rights as an individual.


In other words, desensitization alone is not enough and some action on your part is called for as well.

However, I can’t emphasize enough that ALL situations that are triggering your negative emotions require desensitization to some degree... probably more than you would expect.

In Part 3, I'll describe several techniques and strategies for dealing with a variety of difficult behaviors.

However, I guarantee that they will not work for you until you have adequately desensitized yourself to the point that your automatic negative emotions and reactions have been eliminated and you are able to approach your situation from a position of strength and confidence.

The Wellspring Phenomenon

I have one further thing to say about this process of mental practice.

If a scenario that you are working through is particularly emotionally difficult and challenging, you may find it hard to visualize yourself handling it well even after 30 minutes of mental practice.

You may feel stuck, as though there is nothing more you can do to change the situation to a more positive outcome.

The way to break through this obstacle is simply


this…

Be persistent!

If you think about it, the difficult person isn’t likely to disappear or suddenly start behaving differently as if by magic.

The difficult situation is not likely to clear up all by itself in the way that you want …and it’s very likely that you will keep on experiencing the problem in reality for months into the future anyway.

So, why not play it through in your mind now for as long as it takes until you discover a way to handle it?

Persistence not only leads to success, it does something else something very important...

It changes you.

For example, Albert Einstein pondered the riddle of what would happen and how things would appear if a person travelled at the speed of light.

He didn't work on this problem for just a few weeks or even a few months. He didn't say, "This is my goal for the year." No, Einstein pondered this riddle every day for ten full years, from 18951905!

Up to that time everyone in the scientific community had assumed that the speed of light, like the speed of everything else, was variable and that matter and energy always remained the same.


But Einstein, as he worked through all of the possibilities and scenarios, eventually realized that the riddle could be only explained if the speed of light was constant, and that matter and energy can change from one into the other! a concept that was contrary to what everyone, including the world's leading scientists, believed.

It is popular belief that Einstein was the perfect example of "a true genius", and yet it seems to me that the secret of his success was in his persistence sticking with the problem until his mind grew into it's full capacity to solve it.

In Einstein's own words...

"It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer", and,

"The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them."

Persistence causes your mind to expand.

As you persist you become wiser, stronger and more creative. In fact, we see this principle at work even in nature.

Amherst College did an experiment. They placed a band of steel around a growing squash to discover its expansion power. They estimated that it might reach a press of five hundred pounds.

It surpassed this within a month. In two months it


reached fifteen hundred pounds, then two thousand. They strengthened the restraint. It finally broke through the band when it reached a pressure of five THOUSAND pounds.

Upon opening the squash, they were amazed to find a mass of fibers that had developed in its attempt to overcome the obstacle hindering its growth. Further investigation revealed that there were eight thousand feet of roots that had grown in all directions! (Butterworth)

If a simple squash can do this, then what are WE capable of?

Persistence against resistance increases our ability and creates strength in all aspects of ourselves physical strength, emotional strength, strength of mind, strength of character.

It is in rising to a challenge that your mind’s true ability is revealed.

When you remain focused upon the outcome you desire, not only does it cause your mind to grow, but if your usual approach isn’t working, your mind will break out of its usual way of thinking and tap into abilities you never knew you possessed.

This dramatic shift in thinking in the face of a challenge is what I call “The Wellspring Phenomenon” the mind’s ability to reach deep within, break out of its normal way of thinking, and tap into profound strength and brilliant creativity, in short, its higher potential.


I was chatting with Bob, a friend of mine, one day over coffee. He told me about the evening he fell overboard off the ferry travelling between Victoria and Vancouver BC.

After losing his footing, Bob plunged into the frigid water and was sucked under the ferry afraid that he would be sliced and diced by the pounding propellers.

He surfaced, but no one saw him. He was desperate with panic and flailing about in the water. He had no life jacket. The situation rapidly appeared hopeless... and he went under.

In those agonizing moments, gulping salt water, Bob saw his family with vivid clarity inside his mind and he knew that he wanted to be with them again.

He commented to me that the “Wellspring Phenomenon” certainly seemed to ring true for him regarding his near death experience.

Bob was desperate and close to drowning when a calm crystal clear voice spoke to him from the depths of his subconscious mind, “300 Strokes, Bob. 300 Strokes.”

In that instant…

Bob’s panic suddenly and powerfully transformed into focused purposeful drive. From somewhere deep inside, Bob felt a surge of power and strength that inspired him onwards.

Just when you think that you will succumb to


defeat in a problem situation, when you think there is nothing else you can do, the Wellspring Phenomenon will occur and your mental state can shift from one of defeat to one of strength. In this renewed state, you are capable of creative new solutions to your problem.

Bob, in fact, continued to swim through the night – through beds of sea kelp entangling his body, through riptide currents, counting one set of 300 strokes after another – until an off duty policeman out for a day of fishing discovered him early the next morning over 8 hours later!

Any way you look at it, this was an astonishing accomplishment that appears absolutely impossible to most of us.

Bob was just an average swimmer, but when he realized that giving up was not an option and that there was no one else he could look to for a solution, his mind searched deep within for the strength and the solutions he desperately needed. The result was his Wellspring Phenomenon experience.

To tap into the hidden power that exists within you and activate a Wellspring Phenomenon for yourself, just decide that giving up is not an option for you and persist until you find a way.

It may not be as dramatic as Bob’s experience, but if you keep on tackling your difficult situation through mental practice, your mind will eventually see things from a different angle.

As you persist, you may become frustrated, but if


you go even further your mind will become really serious and determined and creative. You will consider options and approaches that you would not have considered before.

It happened to Bob, and it can happen to you.

One key point is that Bob had no one to turn to, whereas when we are dealing with a difficult person we often feel that they are the ones that should change and therefore solve our problem.

BIG mistake.

In order to activate a Wellspring Phenomenon within yourself, you cannot assume that anyone, especially not the difficult person, will come to your aide, at least until you become inspired and lead the way first.

This method is a mental rehearsal tool for you to use to solve a problem. So, take charge and use it as a means of playing out scenarios inside the safety of your mind in order to get unstuck from your usual patterns and experiment with new approaches.

Even if you repeatedly find yourself unable to cope with the situation, you can still play it forward into the future, one episode of the Problem Situation after another, until you become really tired of that same old pattern.

Eventually, if you stick with it, you will have had enough and something inside of you will shift. This process may seem repetitious, but in the end it will


save a great deal of time, energy and unnecessary reallife stress.

I realize, however, that it can be challenging to stay focused and not let your mind wander off track as you are doing the mental visualizing and practice.

I know from my own experience that it’s easy for my mind to wander off onto another scenario before the first one is truly resolved, or to become distracted by thinking and analyzing instead of continuing to visualize my scenarios.

This is why I recommend that you use the interactive audio session. Hearing my voice guiding you will help you stay on track and persist to a point of complete resolution.

In the audio program, I lead you through the Wellspring Method stepbystep. The interactive process is designed to keep you working through a particular scenario until it is fully resolved.

Re‐Measuring and Targeting the Next Scenario

Once “Scenario A” feels totally resolved and you are feeling confident about handling that particular part of your life, you can then remeasure your Level of Stress about the difficult person to see how much farther you have to go.

If your Level of Stress (i.e., any negative emotion) is greater than 1/10, there is still more that remains to


be done.

Let’s say that your Level of Stress is now 5/10 (and you started at 8/10). Ask yourself what that level of stress is about – what is it that is still bothering you about the difficult person or situation? Then, picture this as another scenario taking place in the future.

This is “Scenario B”.

You know what to do. Go through all of the Wellspring Method steps again, using “Scenario B” as your focus.

Once “Scenario B” is resolved, remeasure your Level of Stress, and identify “Scenario C”, and so on until your Level of Stress drops all the way down to 0 or 1 out of 10.

You will then be ready to take action and start dealing with your difficult person in a proactive and constructive way using the strategies described in Part 3.

The Wellspring Method

I first created The Wellspring Method as a therapy technique for assisting people in my practice to deal with life difficulties more efficiently and effectively.

Because it’s a structured stepbystep system, I was able to record it onto a set of audio CDs, and subsequently as an online course to enable people to clear up a wide variety of stressful life situations on


their own.

This audio program gives the listener the experience of being in a personal session with me as I guide them through the process of creating change, which involves goal setting, creative thinking, decision making, light hypnosis, mental practice, journaling, guided imagery and so on.

This personal effectiveness tool can give you the power to succeed with many challenging life situations and help you create the results you truly want.



• Mentally practice scenarios of dealing with the difficult person.

Imagine what you would really do if you were in the situation with the difficult person in the coming week. Take your best guess at what that person would do – how they would react, what they would say, and so on.

If you imagine that you had the chance to deal with the same situation again the next day, and the next, and the next and so on, you could use the opportunity to improve your approach.

Each time you run through it in your mind, you can experiment with different ways of handling the situation until you eventually come up with an approach that seems to produce a more satisfactory result.

Mental practice allows you to:

• think through all of the possibilities in a matter of minutes inside your mind saving weeks of wasted time,

• make mistakes and learn from them without any serious repercussions,

• play out your negative urges, which allows them to dissipate,

• desensitize yourself to the difficult person and


their triggering behavior, and,

• break free of your old pattern of thinking.

• Pay attention to communications from your subconscious mind.

Communications from your subconscious mind often take the form of little urges or feelings, or sometimes persistent or unusual thoughts.

It’s useful to view the subconscious mind as a vast resource of untapped potential and knowledge that is ready and willing to help us out if we just pay attention to it and give it permission to be expressed.

By going with your instincts and giving permission to yourself to pursue these novel ideas, you can actually discover ways of approaching situations with the difficult person that are remarkably creative and effective!

• Give yourself permission to make mistakes.

It’s better to make mistakes inside your mind first as you play through a scenario several times.

By troubleshooting you’ll ferret out the weaknesses in your plan, tweak it and improve on it.

• Mentally play out your urges.

Giving yourself full permission to play out any desire or urge is useful because there’s a beneficial emotional release in this. It helps you let go of anger, frustration


and stress and move on to more constructive ideas.

• Desensitize yourself.

If your Level of Stress (from Chapter 3) was greater than 4 out of 10, you have a sensitive spot (an automatic stress reaction) that needs desensitization.

The best way to desensitize yourself to someone’s difficult behavior is to imagine dealing with it every single day for weeks at a time.

• Be persistent.

Persistence causes your mind to expand. You become wiser, stronger and more creative.

When you remain focused upon the outcome you desire, not only does it cause your mind to grow, but if your usual approach isn’t working, your mind will break out of its usual way of thinking and tap into abilities you never knew you possessed.

This dramatic shift in thinking in the face of a challenge is what I call “The Wellspring Phenomenon” the mind’s ability to reach deep within, break out of its normal way of thinking, and tap into profound strength and brilliant creativity, in short, its higher potential.

• Use the Wellspring Method audio session.

Hearing my voice guiding you will help you to stay on track and persist to a point of complete resolution.

This personal effectiveness tool can give you the


power to succeed with many challenging life situations and help you create the results you truly want.


Summary of the Wellspring Method

Stay focused and achieve better results by using the guided interactive CD/DVD coaching program available at: http://www.shrinkinabox.com/products

1. Identify the main Problem Situation that you are facing,

2. Measure your Level of Stress (level of negative emotion) about the Problem Situation and identify “Scenario A”,

For Scenarios A, B, C, etc:

3. Visualize the way you usually react in the situation (your usual negative emotions and actions) and picture what will happen if you continue with this approach,

4. Visualize the way you would like things to be instead (i.e., identify your positive goal),

5. Set the problem aside and picture an experience in which you feel really good (calm, strong and confident),

6. Blend this positive experience and good feelings into “Scenario A” until you see a new and different way of approaching the situation,

7. Mentally practice dealing with the same situation (“Scenario A”) one day after another – think through the possibilities, give yourself


permission to make mistakes and play out your negative urges,

8. Imagine taking on the attributes of a positive role model,

9. Continue to mentally practice dealing with the scenario until you have desensitized your emotions and you experience a positive shift in your attitude and thinking (the Wellspring Phenomenon),

10. When the scenario feels resolved, remeasure your Level of Stress and identify “Scenario B”,

11. Repeat the steps above for Scenario B, C, etc. until your Level of Stress drops to 0 or 1 out 10,

12. Put your plans into action using any interpersonal strategies you wish (including any from Part 3 in this book).

(Note: If you have trouble visualizing, you can mentally practice simply by taking your best guess at what you would do and what would happen in each of the scenarios.)

95 _______________________________________________________

Part 3

Creating Change With Difficult Coworkers, Bosses, Employees,

Clients & Relationships Before applying the techniques and strategies in

this section to deal with a difficult person or situation, be sure that you have transformed your frustration, anxiety and stress into calmness, strength and confidence.


Your Decision to Create Change 97 _______________________________________________________

7

Your Decision to Create Change

I remember a very long time ago when I was a teenager in my youth group.

There was a girl who was annoyed with me for some reason. I don’t remember why. In fact, I don’t think I was EVER really sure why she was mad, but what I DO remember is the statement she fired at me so emphatically…

“You can’t CHANGE people, Mark Lauderdale!” ...and she indignantly marched off.

I think those words stuck with me over the years because they are so true and yet so false at the same time.

It’s true that you can’t change a person’s core personality. The basic nature of a person is something they were born with, grew up with as children and will take with them long into the future. It’s pointless to


want someone to change the basic features of their personality.

So, if you are having difficulty coping with someone’s core personality traits – their warped sense of humour, the way they laugh, the way they are so analytical or social butterflyish or flaky – you should just desensitize yourself using the Wellspring Method and learn to accept them for who they are.

It’s also true that you can’t FORCE people to change. Trying to control them, harp at them, threaten them with consequences, whine or get mad at them will not produce real change. It will only produce temporary compliance at best.

So, in this way the girl’s statement is TRUE ...and I probably deserved her angry reaction because of something I said or did.

On the other hand, over the last 30 years of working with people in my psychiatry practice I have seen a great many people change.

I’ve seen many people behaving one way one week and then a different way the next week. In fact, I have even seen people change before my very eyes!

While it is not possible to control people, people can be INFLUENCED to change.

When I began medical school about 50% of our class were smokers. Various instructors over the many months of our training presented facts and information about one disease after another that was connected to


smoking in some way.

Every time we studied a new organ or body system – the lungs, the heart, the circulatory system, the kidneys, the gastrointestinal tract, the reproductive system, the skin, the brain – there was yet another disease associated with smoking.

I noticed that as the months past by the number of smokers was progressively diminishing and when we finally graduated, only 10% of our class still smoked… and they were relegated to the seats along the sides of the lecture theatre.

But, here’s the thing. NO instructor ever told any of us to stop smoking! We just learned the facts as part of our training.

And so, the part of the girl’s statement that is FALSE is the fact that people CAN BE INFLUENCED to change.

In other words, specific behaviors can change… and YOU can influence them to make that change happen.

Whose Responsibility Is It to Create a Change?

A response I get sometimes from people who are in a relationship with a difficult person is, “Why should I be the one to do things differently when THEY are causing the problem?!”


Good question.

It doesn’t really seem fair does it? THEY are causing you grief and yet YOU have to be the one to go through the emotional work of dealing with them differently!

Well, my answer to this is that a person could certainly choose to sit back and wait for the other person to change their behavior, but unless they already recognize the need to change it will probably be a very long and frustrating wait.

Of course, the REAL reason that a person complains to me about this is because they are feeling powerless or angry or afraid of dealing with the other person. It’s just part of their stress reaction and, as you will see, this can be overcome.

There is no need to wait for the other person to make a change or even for them to acknowledge the problem.

The onus is squarely on you to decide how you are going to respond to this problem in your life – in the same way you would decide how to deal with the problem if your car broke down.

As I see it, when a person is confronted with someone’s difficult behavior it’s like coming to a fork in the road with only three possible paths to choose from:

Path 1: Don’t do anything differently. Then, when faced with the difficult behavior in the future you will automatically react with your negative


emotions (your anger, frustration or fear, etc.) and engage in your negative actions as usual (e.g., the blaming, the arguing, the stressing out, the avoidance, etc.),

Path 2: Accept the person the way they are. Basically, desensitize yourself and learn to not notice or not care about the person’s behavior that currently seems “difficult”,

Path 3: Proactively decide to influence the other person and change your situation from a position of inner strength and confidence.

It’s time to make your decision before you go any further...

If you choose Path 1 (and by the way, NOT making a choice is a Path 1 by default), then the rest of this book may be interesting or educational for you, but it won’t result in any improvement in your situation. In fact, it’s more likely that things will get worse over time.

If you choose Path 2, then you can simply use the Wellspring Method as described in this book to help you accomplish this successfully.

If you choose Path 3, you are choosing to be the bigger person and you will be leading the way into your vision of a new positive style of interaction between you and the “difficult” person.



• Decide how you are going to respond to the problem of the difficult person or situation.

There are only three options.

Path 1: Continue doing what you are doing (i.e., letting the other person push your buttons and letting your negative emotions rule your response).

Path 2: Desensitize yourself so that the other person’s behavior doesn’t bother you so much (this is a good choice when the other person is not impinging on your rights in any way, or if you simply don’t want to put the time and effort into creating a change).

Path 3: Calmly and confidently decide to influence the other person’s behavior, create a new style of interaction and produce a positive change in the situation.

Things You Should Never Do 103 _______________________________________________________

8

Things You Should Never Do

The fundamental principles for success in human relationships have not changed significantly over the past two thousand years.

And yet, each one of us must arrive at a place at some point in our lives when we are ready to learn them.

Aesop was a slave in Ancient Greece, 6th century B.C., who wrote many immortal fables, including the following story about dealing with people…

“The North Wind and the Sun were disputing who was stronger. Suddenly, they saw a traveller coming down the road, and the Sun announced, ‘I see a way to decide our dispute. Whoever can cause that traveller to take off his cloak shall be regarded as the stronger. You begin.’


So the Sun retired behind a cloud, and the North Wind began to blow as hard as he could upon the traveller. But the harder he blew the tighter the traveller wrapped his cloak around him, till at last the North Wind gave up in despair.

Then the Sun came out and shone in all his glory upon the traveller, who began to warm up and soon removed his cloak.”

This short fable is loaded with symbolism.

The traveller represents the difficult person in your life whose behavior you would like to influence.

The North Wind represents everything hostile that we do from a place of anger and unhappiness, which includes criticism, complaining, arguing, the silent treatment, getting mad and getting even.

The Sun represents the warm and positive things we do when we are feeling good, including appreciation, helpfulness, understanding, showing interest, encouragement and good humour.

The cloak represents the person’s defences, which are raised when they are under attack and are set aside when they feel safe.

The very fact that you have labelled someone as “difficult” means that they are triggering negative feelings in you. They are stressing you in some way.

Let’s take a closer look at why the North Wind


approach (Path #1 from the previous chapter) never works and the things you should never do if you choose Paths #2 or #3.

The Curse of Getting Mad and Getting Even

Often the problem with difficult people is the fact that THEY are the ones who are engaging in North Wind behavior. They are criticizing, controlling, verbally abusive, harassing, bullying, micromanaging, playing favorites, lying, backstabbing, lazy, not communicating, etc., etc.

But when we react by getting mad at them we merely cause them to raise their defences even higher.

You may precipitate a war of words or of retaliation. If they are more introverted or passive in their personality they will simply become uncooperative or obstructive.

It makes no difference whether they “deserve” your anger or not. You will simply end up receiving as much anger as you put out.

If you imagine continuing your anger towards this person over the next six to twelve months, what do you see? periodic skirmishes? angry confrontations? retaliations? a further deterioration in your relationship? other consequences? increased stress?

Not good.


Why NOT Criticize, Blame or Complain?

It’s very tempting to imagine telling them a thing or two, getting in their face, or giving the difficult person “a piece of your mind”. Actually, while you’re at it you may as well give them ALL of your mind – because you obviously won't be needing it.

Criticizing, blaming or complaining about someone will always come back to bite you somehow in some way.

Abraham Lincoln learned this lesson the hard way – and almost paid for it with his life.

In “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, Dale Carnegie talks about Lincoln’s profound experience early in his career.

As a young man in the Pigeon Creek Valley of Indiana Abraham Lincoln not only criticized, but he wrote letters and poems ridiculing people and dropped these letters on country roads where they were sure to be found.

Even after Lincoln became a practicing lawyer in Springfield, Illinois, he attacked people openly in letters published in the newspaper.

In the autumn of 1842 Lincoln published an anonymous letter in the Springfield Journal about a young politician by the name of James Shields. The town roared with laughter.

The proud Shields was indignant and soon


discovered who wrote the letter. He challenged Lincoln to a duel to the death, which was only interrupted at the last minute by their aides who stepped in and stopped the proceedings.

Never again did Lincoln write an insulting letter. Never again did he ridicule anyone. And from that time on he almost never criticized anybody for anything!

Later, as President of the United States, his new attitude was reflected in this quote, “Don’t criticize them. They are just what we would be under similar circumstances.” (Carnegie)

The longer I have worked with people and their problems the more I have come to understand that most people have stresses and issues going on in the background of their lives that others are not aware of.

People are coping with chronic pain or illnesses in themselves or in their family, they have financial troubles, they have difficult marriages and family problems.

Many people have been mistreated as children leaving them defensive and insecure. There are a lot of people who are simply having a hard time and are unhappy.

If we only knew what another person has gone through or is having to cope with in some part of their present life, we would not be so quick to judge.


Why Arguing or Making Someone Wrong Never Works

Arguing your point of view or trying to talk someone into your way of thinking is just not a very effective way of going about things.

In fact, in all my years of doing therapy I can honestly say that trying to tell someone that they are doing things the wrong way is usually a great way to create resistance in them.

As people begin to argue, they become more and more emphatic and direct concerning their own wants and needs. If you get the chance, observe this sometime.

Notice that as a disagreement builds into an argument, people talk increasingly in terms of THEIR point of view and what THEY want. There is less and less focus upon understanding the other person’s perspective or the other person’s wants or needs.

Furthermore, as an argument builds into a fight not only do people emphatically assert their own position, but they also begin to attack the other person’s position.

Of course, this may well be the approach that the difficult person in your life is taking, but it’s important to stay out of this dance if you want to achieve your goal.

Your arguments or hostility will only add fuel to the


fire and the harmony and cooperation you seek will go up in smoke.

When you make someone wrong, it automatically triggers within the other person an overwhelming desire to be right.

The Futility of Forcing Someone to Do Something

Unless you are in the military where taking orders is part of the job description, the approach of trying to control people through orders or force is fraught with pitfalls.

People want to be treated with respect and they like to have choice.

If you are an employer or a parent or in a position of authority and you try to get the behavior you want through ordering, bossing people around, demanding or other forceful tactics you may gain compliance in the immediate situation, but you will chip away at the glue of goodwill, which is the REAL reason people do things for other people.

Sure, people go to work for the money, but if they don’t like the way they are being treated it’s amazing how little they can accomplish while still meeting the “minimum job requirements”.

You may win the battle, in terms of gaining compliance in the immediate situation, but you will lose the war, in terms of the resistance, the lack of


allegiance and the lack of motivation that you will create.

I have seen parents try to do this with their teenage sons and daughters. The hardliners, the parents who are like brick walls with their kids, who try to force and control, as though the teen has no right to their own opinion and has no choice in the matter, are asking for rebellion.

It may be overt, or it may be subtle, but there will be rebellion.

A rebellion, sometimes in the guise of passive resistance, can even come from the spouse who subtly counterbalances their partner’s hard line with extra softness.

The Tempting Trap of Taking Things Personally

If you feel yourself being triggered, like the fumes of your fried dinner setting off the smoke alarm, you should suspect that you have a sensitive spot.

When a sensitive spot is triggered, a person does not see things clearly. The individual misinterprets what they are perceiving and the facts of the situation become distorted.

It’s as though the information going in is being filtered so that only the details that fit their interpretation are getting through.


This isn't even done on purpose. It is done unconsciously. The only telltale sign is the intensity of the emotional reaction.

For example, a patient of mine, whom I shall call Claire, was a successful businesswoman who always seemed to find herself in situations in which people were judging her or not treating her with respect.

Neighbours would give her looks and make disapproving comments about the shrubs in her garden.

She would feel upset whenever her boss seemed cold and impersonal or when he was too busy to fully answer her questions. If he made a critical remark, she would take it personally and, although she wouldn’t say anything, she would stew about it for days, often losing sleep over it.

It was as though any type of disapproving look or remark would feel like she was being stabbed in the heart.

This is what a sensitive spot can look like, although it can take many different forms in a variety of life situations. However, there is always a strong emotional reaction associated to it.

If this is happening to you, watch out, because you are headed for trouble if you don’t deal with it. Eliminate your sensitive spot first with some personal therapy or the Wellspring Method.

Apart from sensitive spots, though, it’s generally


not a good idea to jump to a quick conclusion about another person and their motives.

I have found that it’s far more common for a person to be doing what they are doing for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with the other person.

There was no intention to hurt the other person, they weren’t getting even and they weren’t trying to be disrespectful or judge the other person. They were simply focused on their own needs and wants. At best, you could call them thoughtless – someone who was not adequately considering the other person’s needs.

It may well be that taking things personally and jumping to conclusions has more to do with our own selfcenteredness than with anything else. And therefore, we need to look beyond ourselves and learn more about the situation in order to fully understand the REAL reasons the other person is acting the way they are.

What Happens When You Assign a “Label” to the Other Person

When someone frustrates us or annoys us it is very tempting to put him or her into some category and stamp a label onto them.

“Jerk”, “Nut case”, “Bully”, “Gossiper”, “Back stabber”, “Idiot”, “Micromanager”, “Liar”, “KnowIt All”, “Narcissist”, “Womanizer”, “Complainer”, “Control freak”, “____(insert your label here)____”.


The problem with this approach is that you automatically restrict your thinking and your options. If a person IS something it implies permanence.

If a person is labelled as a “KnowItAll”, it reinforces the idea that it’s ALL THEY ARE and all they will ever be. It tends to restrict you from ever thinking that they could be openminded or willing to acknowledge someone else’s good ideas.

It’s not absolute, but there is a tendency for you to think this way.

We put people into categories, of course, because it makes them seem easier to cope with. We can just put them into that box and forget about them, as though we’ve handled it.

It’s actually an avoidance technique. By assigning them a label, it’s as though we have them all figured out. Therefore, we don’t have to do any further work to fully understand them.

Unfortunately, these labels will also prevent you from creating the positive change you want.

How could you ever be friends with a “bully”? How could you ever be on good terms with a “control freak”?

You can’t. If you want to change the nature of your relationship with this person, you will have to lose the negative label first. So, why not lose it now.

Even the term “difficult people” is a negative label.


How could things ever change and become easy with a “difficult” person?

The thing to do is to think of them as a person, a potentially friendly and valuable person, who is currently, in this time and place, engaging in negative behavior such as “bullying” or “trying to control too much” or “gossiping”, etc.

When you think of them like this it opens your mind to the possibility of them behaving in new and better ways. It makes change possible.

It also opens up the possibility that the person may be behaving the way they are for a very logical and understandable reason.

Let’s return to my patient, Claire, for a minute. Some people who knew Claire judged her to be a “drama queen” and generally showed her less respect as a result.

The reason for her sensitive spot, as I discovered, was the fact that her mother had seriously emotionally abused her as a child. Her mother did not want her and told her so. She called her horrible names, she locked her in her room, she made sure that Claire never had much fun and she always favored Claire’s older sister. Her mother was also careful not to physically abuse or neglect her so as to prevent anyone from suspecting.

No wonder Claire had a sensitive spot about being devalued!

You may think that this is an unusual case.


Unfortunately, there are many MANY people in our society who have been mistreated as children and who still bear the scars, their sensitive spots, as a result.

Something to consider.

If you know someone like this, then consider how that sensitive spot may have been created in the first place before giving him or her a label.

What Goes Around Comes Around

Perhaps the biggest reason not to engage in any of the negative behaviors in this chapter is because of the fact that when you use a negative behavior it automatically gives the other person PERMISSION to do the same thing – and it will come right back at you.

Here’s how it works. Let’s say that a man named Richard makes fun of and generally harasses John at the office.

Eventually, John takes offence and sends Richard an angry email. Now, Richard feels that angry emails have become part of the interaction, so he emails back and pretty soon they are engaged in a war of angry words and accusations.

Now, who started the fight?

Clearly, Richard started teasing and harassing, but John escalated things to the next level. He defined angry emails and hostile words as an acceptable part of the interaction and they came right back to him.


I guarantee that engaging in ANY of the negative behaviors described in this chapter will cause the same type of behavior to come back to you eventually.

If you want, you can try it out for yourself or simply observe it happening with others. Heck, just watch it on your favorite reality TV show!

How to Avoid Dealing With a Difficult Person

Probably the most common way that people deal with a difficult person is to avoid them. I guess it’s understandable. Like, why would you eat brussels sprouts if you don’t have to?

However, as I mentioned in the last chapter, not proactively dealing with the situation IS an option, but it’s NOT an option if you want things to be different. Therefore, making a choice to deal with the person and get some change happening is where the REAL payoff lies.

What you CAN do is to avoid dealing with the difficult person in reality at first and just IMAGINE dealing with them instead.

Then, by using the Wellspring Method you can easily face the person within the safety of your own mind in order to destress and come up with an effective plan.

Playing through imagined scenarios will help you feel more confident and be more prepared to deal with the person in real life when you are truly ready.



• Don’t get mad or try to get even.

When we react by becoming angry or getting even we merely cause the other person to raise their defences.

• Don’t criticize, blame or complain.

Criticizing, blaming or complaining about someone will always come back to bite you somehow in some way.

Most people have stresses and issues going on in the background of their lives that others are not aware of.

• Never argue or make someone wrong.

When you make someone wrong, it automatically triggers within the other person an overwhelming desire to be right.

• Don’t force people to do things.

You may “win the battle” in terms of gaining compliance in the immediate situation, but you will lose the war, in terms of the resistance, the lack of allegiance and the lack of motivation that you will create.

• Don’t fall into the trap of overreacting, taking things personally and jumping to conclusions.


People often have reasons for doing things that have nothing to do with you. Very often there is a logical explanation for something that another person did or didn’t do.

• Be careful about giving a person a label.

This approach automatically restricts your thinking and your options. If a person IS something it implies that they will ALWAYS be like that.

Assigning a label to someone is just a way of avoiding having to face the real issues.

• What goes around comes around.

When you use any negative approach it automatically gives the other person permission to do the same thing – and your unpleasant behavior will come right back at you.

• Don’t avoid dealing with the problem.

Longterm avoidance just makes matters worse. Things rarely turn out the way you want using this approach.

However, it’s a good idea to avoid a difficult person until you have successfully used the Wellspring Method to generate a plan plus the confidence you need to deal with the problem constructively.

Essential First Steps 119 _______________________________________________________

9

Essential First Steps

In this chapter I’ll summarize the few essential steps that you should incorporate into each and every strategy you develop to deal with someone’s problem behavior.

Becoming Crystal Clear About Your Higher Goal

It is essential that you become absolutely clear about the end result that you want to create even though you may have no idea at first about HOW you are going to make it happen.

It’s also essential that your goal be honourable. That is, the end result should actually benefit the other person as well.

Let me give you an example. A client of mine became angry with me over an error I made during the


treatment of her son. Her anger, however, was highly disproportionate to the situation. It was way over the top. She hurled scathing derogatory remarks at me that burned and churned in my stomach.

After smoothing things over the best that I could, I decided to establish a goal of reestablishing a positive working relationship with her in which she would speak respectfully to me even if she were annoyed with me.

The result was that I was able to generate that positive relationship over a period of time.

I’ll get into the “how to” details later, but what is important to realize here is that I did not go into a reactionary mode and become defensive or hostile or uncooperative with her.

I did not allow her to take the lead in the Difficult People Tango called “Let’s Find the Faults in One Another”. My goal was to dance to the tune of “We Are Respectful Always” – a higher more honourable goal, which would benefit her as well as myself.

Not only would she benefit from MY respectfulness towards her, but she would also benefit from learning how to be respectful to others even when she is annoyed.

Not your responsibility to teach somebody to behave differently you say? Then choose Path #1 or #2 instead (in Chapter 7) because there’s a good chance that no one else is going to sign up for the job.

You are the one being affected and you are putting


your energy into it anyway (even if that energy is negative and stressful).

Making All Paths Lead to Success

With a crystal clear positive goal in mind, make a decision that, one way or another, this goal WILL be achieved.

If your goal feels good to you and you think that it is really worth having, then don’t just TRY to make it happen. DECIDE to make it happen – no matter how long it takes, no matter what you have to do and no matter what personal growth needs to take place within you.

There is a solution for every problem.

An extremely useful concept for you to embrace is the idea that “All Paths Lead to Success”. In other words, with the end result clearly fixed in your mind you can then look for opportunities to use anything the other person says or does as a way of leading to the result you have in mind.

ANYTHING that the other person says can be used to help generate a positive outcome in your relationship.

Every bit of behavior that the difficult person hands you can be used to create a positive outcome.

Even the most disrespectful, inappropriate, incompetent or hostile behavior can actually become


part of the solution if you are creative about it.

Let me describe a rather unusual intervention to demonstrate my point.

Way back in the 1940’s, before the modern antipsychotic medications were invented, a “difficult” patient was admitted to a psychiatric hospital speaking only “word salad”, a jumble of sounds, words and phrases that made absolutely no sense.

Innumerable efforts were made by psychiatrists, psychologists, nurses, social workers and even fellow patients to get George to speak intelligibly, all in vain.

After five years, Dr. Milton Erickson, an innovative psychiatrist, joined the medical staff. Dr. Erickson decided to learn how to speak word salad himself in order to engage in word salad conversations with George.

His colleagues were critical of this approach at first. After several weeks of word salad conversations, George launched into a word salad monologue for four hours to which Dr. Erickson replied in kind for four hours. Then George uttered nonsensical conversation for another two hours to which Erickson responded with a weary two hours of nonsense.

Now, it’s one thing to SPEAK word salad, but to have to sit and LISTEN to word salad is really rather annoying, but, after all, what else could George do but sit patiently for a total of six hours and listen to Dr. Erickson’s replies?


The next morning they exchanged their usual nonsensical greeting. Then George exclaimed, “Talk sense, doctor!” “Certainly, I’ll be glad to. What is your last name?” “O’Donovan and it’s about time somebody who knows how to talk asked. Over five years in this lousy joint…”

The ensuing therapy incorporated progressively more sensible talk and less word salad. Within a year George was discharged from hospital and was gainfully employed (Haley).

Now, I realize that you are not likely to encounter someone speaking word salad in your lifetime, but you could think of difficult people as speaking a language that you don’t understand.

I’m not proposing that you go out and start being disrespectful in response to disrespectful people. Erickson did not use word salad to mimic George or make him feel bad.

George enjoyed the conversations and his eventual frustration was not with Erickson, but rather, with the word salad itself because it had become an impediment to the satisfying communication he wanted.

The point I wanted to demonstrate is that Erickson created a situation in which ANY way that George spoke, whether sensible or word salad, would ultimately lead to sensible conversation.

Now, when George had to LISTEN to word salad it became a nuisance or a hindrance to him, which caused his desire for satisfying communication to


increase.

The longer he engaged in word salad conversations the stronger his desire would grow for genuine communication – the same way that having to take a detour increases your desire to reach your destination.

If George spoke sensibly, Erickson responded directly with the sensible communication that George wanted.

Either way they were having a conversation, which was part of the goal.

The bottom line, then, is rather than resisting the other person’s difficult behavior and trying to stop it, allow it to continue and influence it to move in a different direction.

We’ll go into this in much greater depth in Chapter 11.

Feeling Calm, Strong and Confident

Something should be glaringly apparent to you by now.

If your general approach is to allow the other person’s difficult behavior to continue and to find ways of influencing it over a period of time, then it should be obvious that it’s impossible to do this if your stress emotions continue to be triggered by the other person’s behavior.


Creating a change with someone’s difficult behavior is a project and you can’t do a job effectively when you are stressed or upset.

The key is to replace your feelings of anxiety, frustration and stress with calmness, strength and confidence.

I can’t overemphasize the importance of doing this step!

Many people have their own particular ways of centering themselves in a state of calmness and confidence. This can be done through meditation, self hypnosis, a relaxing bath, an invigorating run, a walk by the ocean, listening to your favorite music, reading a good book, a stroll through nature, and so on.

Whatever it is that you do to destress, BRING THOSE GOOD FEELINGS WITH YOU into the situation of dealing with the difficult person in your life.

The easiest, most convenient and most effective way, however, is to use my guided audio session, in which I can help you release your stress and move you into feeling calm, strong and confident in a matter of minutes, even while you focus on a difficult situation.

Of course, the added advantage of using the Wellspring Method is that it not only helps you feel calm and confident, but it also helps you to think the matter through and prepare your plan.

From here on I’m going to assume that you’ve taken care of your emotional state, so that we can be


free to talk about the constructive strategies and approaches you might use to change things.

Targeting One Behavior at a Time

People are creatures of habit. They tend to stick to their usual way of doing things. So changing habit patterns, even when they KNOW it would be good for them, is not easy.

Since changing a habit or a pattern of behavior takes time and effort, don’t make the mistake that many people do of wanting, or expecting, the other person to make huge changes in their behavior all at once! It’s impossible.

Also, don’t expect even a small behavior change to occur overnight. It usually doesn’t!

It’s much easier for people to change one small thing than a whole big pattern of behavior. And they also need considerable time to practice and reinforce their new behaviors.

For example, if you are working for a highly controlling individual, it would be futile to try to obtain a change in this huge behavior pattern all at once.

For that matter, even if the individual WERE totally in favor of changing their controlling behavior they wouldn’t have a clue where to start. It’s far too vague and overwhelming a request to make of them.

And even if they started working on some aspect


of their behavior there would be so much still not addressed that it would be easy for you to feel unhappy with their progress, which would make them feel like they can’t win.

So, it’s important to target one specific behavior at a time so that you both can be successful and also know when you have achieved a change.

It’s similar to the process of training a pet. You wouldn’t focus on the general goal of getting your dog to “behave”. You would target one piece of behavior at a time. You would teach him to pee outside, to “sit”, to “stay”, to not jump up on people, etc.

Now, I’m not trying to insult the people you work with or live with by inferring that they are animals, but I AM saying that if they are treating you inappropriately, then you will need to respectfully, yet firmly, train them on how to behave around you.

Actually, if we took the same care in developing relationships with other people as we do in training and caring for our pets, we might all be farther ahead!



• Be crystal clear about your honourable goal.

It is essential that you become crystal clear about the end result that you want to create even though you may have no idea at first about HOW you are going to make it happen.

It’s also essential that your goal be honourable. That is, the end result should actually benefit the other person as well.

• Make all paths lead to success.

With the end result clearly fixed in your mind you can then look for opportunities to use anything the other person says or does as a way of leading towards your positive goal.

Rather than resisting difficult behavior and trying to stop it, you can allow it to continue and then influence it to move in a more positive direction.

• Replace your stress reaction with calmness, strength and confidence.

Creating a change with someone’s difficult behavior is a project and you can’t do a job effectively when you are feeling stressed or upset.

Whatever it is that you do to destress, BRING THOSE GOOD FEELINGS WITH YOU into the situation of dealing with the difficult person in your life.


You can use the Wellspring Method to feel calm, strong and confident, even when dealing with a difficult person.

• Target one behavior at a time.

Rome wasn’t built in a day! Don’t expect huge changes in another person overnight.

Target one specific behavior at a time so that you can see progress happening and feel good about it.


How to Handle Conflict, Complaints… 131 _______________________________________________________

10

How to Handle Conflict, Complaints, Verbal Abuse and

Noncollaboration

If it’s far more effective for you to create change by feeling good first, doesn’t it make sense that the “difficult” person would also find it easier to make a change if they, too, were feeling good?

Absolutely!

It’s much easier for someone who is in a good mood to respond to what you want, versus someone in a foul mood.

Therefore, your first step after getting yourself into a positive frame of mind is to help the other person feel good.

When you help another person feel good you are


establishing a receptive mental state towards you.

Of course, very often you may be dealing with someone who is NOT happy. They may be angry, stressed, hostile, frustrated, overwhelmed, nervous or depressed.

Ideally, what you want to do is remain calm, cool and collected even in the presence of the other person’s negative attitude, hostile words and unpleasant behavior.

Helping the other person feel good may seem like the LAST thing on earth that you want to do for them.

But, remember Aesop’s Fable of the North Wind and the Sun. If what you truly want is a positive change in your situation, then YOU must be the one who leads the way into positive feelings and behavior.

If the difficult person is not WITH you, they will be AGAINST you. And they can’t be with you if they don’t feel good about you.

Although this principle is true in your interactions with everyone, it is especially true when you are dealing with children or teenagers.

One summer, my 8yearold son, Evan, was not behaving very well. We were vacationing at a family camp and I noticed that the more I was “on his case” telling him to DO this or NOT do that, the more non compliant he was becoming. He just seemed to be getting into more and more trouble!


What I realized, however, was that our whole relationship was becoming more negative than positive. It seemed like our interactions were characterized more by anger and bad feelings than happiness and good rapport.

So, I decided to drop all the rules and stop correcting him on anything for a while. Instead, I focused on reestablishing our positive relationship.

I played with him, spent time with him, talked with him and generally did everything I could to help him feel good about us.

I fully expected that I would have to come back to some of the rules at some point, but to my surprise it was totally unnecessary. He simply became a more compliant child!

When I asked him to do something he just did it. And when I explained that it wasn’t a good idea to do something, he simply stopped!

The fabric of goodwill in our relationship had been repaired.

The fabric of goodwill builds cooperation.

So, how exactly do you gain the cooperation of a difficult person by helping them feel good? More importantly, how do you make them feel good about YOU?

Read on…


Eight Ways to Gain Cooperation From a Difficult Person...

1. Be Friendly and Use Humour

The simple act of “being friendly” can work wonders.

If you are simply friendly towards someone that you find difficult to deal with, you may be quite surprised by his or her response.

Furthermore, if you persist with your friendliness even after they send you their first salvo of prickly negativity or defensiveness, you will very likely witness a softening in their approach as they realize that you may be a friend, not a foe.

Often “difficult” people EXPECT other people to be negative towards them because this is what has usually happened in their life. Or, at least, this may be the history between the two of you in previous encounters.

When you persist with your friendly approach past their initial negative reactions, it establishes a new set of implied rules for your interaction.

If the other person persists in their unfriendliness, then simply persist with your friendly approach rather than letting them drag you into a negative interaction. They may need to test you for a while before they trust that you won’t attack them.


Actually, many people are not nearly as “difficult” as we think they are.

One woman, who I shall call Jill, owned a hair salon. One of her employees was doing some annoying things at work that needed to be addressed and corrected.

Jill imagined all sorts of unpleasant scenarios when she thought about confronting this person, such as her employee becoming very angry and upset, talking about her behind her back to the other employees, or quitting.

After using the Wellspring Method, however, Jill felt much more confident and relaxed and, in the end, took an opportunity one day to go out with several of her employees to lunch.

In that friendly lunchtime atmosphere, she mentioned the issue in a lighthearted and casual way at some point in the conversation. To her delight and surprise, the employee responded in a lighthearted and casual way, “Ok, no problem. I won’t do that any more.” And that was the end of it!

Jill had built things up to be a “big deal” in her mind and if she had started with an unfriendly confrontation that reflected her annoyance and anger she may well have actually CREATED the negative scenario she had imagined.

A smile is perhaps one of the most powerful agents of change at your disposal. It is one of the most valuable gifts a person can receive, but it also benefits


the sender.

Smiling and laughter actually reduce the levels of stress hormones in our bodies.

My exwife, who is now a good friend, has a great sense of humour. One thing that always amazed me was how she could get away with saying the most outlandish things to people!

She could tease someone and make fun of some quirk in their personality and somehow she’d get them laughing at themselves. I’m sure, though, that people would take a look at that quirk later and say to themselves, “Is it really THAT obvious. Maybe I should change that habit.”

When you are joking around with people you can tease them and cajole them on their behavior, which ordinarily might be difficult to talk about. Just make sure that the teasing is lighthearted and friendly, not critical or mean.

In general, being lighthearted, keeping your sense of humour, smiling and being friendly should be mainstays in your arsenal of interpersonal skills.

These attributes set the tone for an interaction. They tend to elicit a good feeling within the other person that opens doors within their psyche and automatically puts them into a receptive state of mind.

2. Be Respectful at All Times

If you want to be treated with respect, always be


respectful when dealing with a difficult person, even if they are being disrespectful towards you.

You may well ask, “Why should I be respectful towards someone who is not treating me with respect?”

There are several reasons. First, the other person may not have intended to be disrespectful towards you and you are misinterpreting the situation.

Secondly, the person may be having an off day and a simple respectful comment may suffice such as, “Hey, Joe you don’t have to talk to me that way. Are you having a bad day?”

Thirdly, if the person truly intends to be disrespectful towards you it means that they are trying to upset you.

Furthermore, they are likely to be much more skilled at the disrespectfulness game than you are, so the chances of you “winning” are small. Even if you gain the upper hand on this round, you’ll probably pay for it later. Either way, you won’t achieve the positive result you want.

So, continue to be respectful even if the other person is not. You’ll be far more likely to set a respectful tone for your conversation even while you are discussing things on which you disagree.

For example, a manager I counselled named Bill was assigned a new employee who constantly did annoying things that appeared to show little respect for


Bill, his new boss.

This employee would almost always leave his notes, pencils, personal items, coffee cup or some other item in Bill’s office after a meeting.

The employee often spoke out of turn in meetings and would offer assistance that was not within the department’s mandate to provide.

The employee seemed to have an attitude that he was a comanager in the office rather than that of a staff person with a specific job description.

He even held meetings in Bill’s office without permission when Bill was not in!

These inconsiderate actions seemed highly disrespectful and infuriated Bill.

However, to Bill’s credit, he managed to keep his cool and remained respectful towards his employee at all times. He patiently taught him the rules of behavior in the office whenever another transgression occurred and he clarified the expectations of his employee’s role.

This all took time, but in the process of learning more about his employee’s way of life, he discovered that the employee was not being disrespectful at all – he was like this in ALL aspects of his life! He just assumed that everything was “common property” and he had never learned much about boundaries and roles.


Eventually, Bill, with persistence and patience, was able to teach his employee the appropriate rules and expectations of the office. I’m convinced that it was Bill’s positive and respectful attitude that motivated his employee to hang in there and change his behavior.

Treating the other person with respect will keep things on track as you work towards achieving the productive relationship you want.

3. Be Genuinely Interested in the Other Person

With people who are known to you and who are being difficult, you will want to take this a step further. It’s important to be interested in the person and learn more about them.

This has to be a GENUINE desire and there are some very good reasons for you to take an interest in them.

You’ll probably discover some things about the person that you like, for one thing. This can help change your view of them and also help to reduce your negative feelings.

Also, when you learn more about them, you’ll be getting a better understanding of what makes them tick. What do they like? Or dislike? What’s important to them? What’s their style of doing things?

Gaining this information about a person may prove invaluable later on when you are trying to find ways to


motivate them or influence them to change their behavior.

But, perhaps the most important reason to show an interest in the “difficult” person is that it makes them feel good. People like positive attention.

If there are things you find that you like about the person, say so. Compliment them or tell them that you are impressed by their ability or knowledge or goals.

It’s ok to “soften them up” as long as it’s genuine. If it’s not genuine, then it is manipulation and the other person will hear it in your voice.

However, if the praise or admiration is true, then you are just commenting on something that you ought to be appreciating anyway.

Also, use the person’s name first or last name, whichever is most appropriate for the situation.

A person’s name holds a special place in their heart. It is associated with positive feelings when you say it in a friendly and respectful tone of voice.

This is especially useful for dealing with people you have just met because it takes the nature of the relationship from “a nameless unfamiliar individual” to “a temporary or casual friend”.

People are much more likely to respond to someone that they perceive to be a friend, even if it’s a very temporary friendship.


4. Understand Their Point of View

People are basically selfcentered. They are interested in their own needs, their own circumstances and their own wants.

Maybe you are one of the few individuals who is capable of focusing on the greater good at all times and under all circumstances. That’s great. But most people aren’t there yet.

Most people are primarily concerned about their own wants and needs. I’m not saying that people never do selfless things for other people. I’m just saying that most of the time, especially when people are feeling stressed or upset or having difficulty, they are focused on THEIR concerns, not yours.

This is even more apparent when two people are in a disagreement over something.

A divorced couple may be arguing over visits with the kids. For the exwife the issue may be “He’s never consistent. He always picks the kids up and drops them off whenever it suits him.”

But, for the exhusband the issue may be entirely different, “She is still trying to control me and she’s always getting mad at me. I can never win.”

They are having an argument, but they are arguing about two entirely different problems! They are not on the same page. No wonder they’re frustrated!

I’ve witnessed arguments between couples and I


find it remarkable that each one will keep restating THEIR point of view as if they say it OFTEN enough or LOUDLY enough the other person will somehow GET it.

Of course, the other person is doing the exact same thing and neither one is making any real effort to understand the other person’s point of view.

Fundamentally, people don’t really care so much about what YOU want. They care mostly about what THEY want. This principle is extremely important if you want to succeed with difficult people…

Everyone operates from their OWN point of view, not YOURS.

It’s kind of obvious when you think about it. OF COURSE people see things from their own point of view. They see things through their own eyes, they hear with their own ears, they feel with their own feelings.

Furthermore, they INTERPRET what is happening based on their own previous life experiences.

Two people can perceive the exact same situation and yet understand it (and EXPERIENCE it) in two entirely different ways.

Now, if you approach the difficult person in your life by talking about YOUR point of view, and what is important to YOU, and what YOU want, YOU won’t get anywhere! You’ll just run into a big wall of resistance.

However, if you approach the problem by learning


about the other person’s point of view, what is important to them and find out what they want and need, then you’ll be off to a good start.

Let me give you a VERY SIMPLE example…

Let’s say your 4yearold is walking towards you holding a sharp knife by its blade!

If you were totally focused on your own point of view (i.e., “Oh my God, I’ve got to get that knife away from him right away before he cuts himself”), you might exclaim in an upset tone of voice, “Johnny! I want you to give me that knife right now!” and proceed to pry it out of his tight little fist.

If you approached it from Johnny’s point of view, you might say, “You are helping me by bringing me the knife, Johnny. Thank you!” Then, as Johnny opens his hand to show you, you gingerly take it with appreciation. Then, you could show Johnny how knives can hurt people by gently touching his arm with the tip to let him feel the sharpness (in an educational way, not a punitive way). You might then explain that it would be EVEN MORE helpful for him to carry the cups and spoons instead.”

5. Understand Their Needs and Wants

No matter how abrasive, angry, disrespectful or annoying someone’s behavior is, always start by assuming that there is a reason they are behaving the way they are that has nothing to do with you.

Ask yourself why they are doing what they are


doing. Look for a logical explanation by imagining that you are in THEIR shoes viewing the situation from their perspective.

If you have already shown an interest in them and gathered some information about them and how they operate, you will have more to go on.

In particular, try to understand the other person’s needs and wants and how the current situation may be frustrating their desires.

Your goal is to understand their motives for behaving the way they are.

Be curious. Ask questions. Often people will tell you straight out why they are doing something. It may be couched in an angry tone of voice, but don’t let that distract you.

Be understanding and sympathetic and keep talking to them until you really understand.

When you can say, “If I were in that person’s shoes I’d be feeling just the same way and even if it’s not the best choice in the world, I understand why they are doing what they are doing”, then you TRULY understand.

Next, demonstrate to them that you understand their point of view by paraphrasing it and showing your concern. If you do not understand it clearly, they’ll correct you. It’s a good idea to continue with this clarification process until THEY FEEL that you understand their point of view.


This is especially important when you are dealing with someone who is angry.

After adequately gaining an understanding of their concerns, it can be very helpful to show that you understand and sympathize by saying, “I don’t blame you one bit for feeling the way you do. If I were you I’d feel just the same way.”

In an earlier chapter I mentioned the client of mine who was angry over an error I made in the treatment of her teenage son. I had given the boy a gift without asking for her permission first.

The gift was not an expensive one. In fact, it cost me nothing and I felt that it would help the boy achieve one of his personal goals. So, in my mind it was actually part of his therapy.

However, from the mother’s perspective I had made a huge mistake. It was not so much the gift, but rather, the fact that I had been disrespectful towards her by not asking for her permission first. So, she was incensed and irate.

Now, in reaction to the barrage of negativity and hostile words that were coming at me, I could have argued with her and accused her of overreacting, but instead, I remained calm as best I could while I tried to gain a better understanding of why she was behaving in this way.

As I sought to fully understand the reasons for her anger, I was reminded that she had been terribly mistreated as a child – treated disrespectfully,


degraded and devalued by her parents.

Then, the enormity of my error became obvious. It was as though I had totally undermined her role as a parent and regarded her as someone too unimportant to include in my decision.

Therefore, I offered my profuse and genuine apology and made it clear that I would include her in any decisions in the future. I also acknowledged how it important it was for her to be appreciated by her son.

In the end, she consented to allow her son to keep the gift and encouraged him to work on his personal goal.

She even gave me permission to include this story in this book!

Sometimes a person’s anger will be based on a misunderstanding or misinterpretation of the situation. However, by using the same approach of clarifying and understanding their point of view it will enable you to correct the misunderstanding and resolve the problem.

But, the usefulness of understanding people’s needs and wants goes far beyond merely dealing with anger.

Trevor, a friend of mine, worked in the field of resource management. His manager told him that while his policy recommendations were usually right, he often “came on too strong” with the managers and personnel from other departments in policy meetings.


Trevor had a quick and incisive mind and he was capable of seeing the larger picture easily. However, other individuals who were slower to grasp an understanding of a problem and the solutions, which to him were obvious, easily annoyed him.

So, Trevor presented his point of view more forcefully as he tried to make people understand. Occasionally, he threw in sarcastic remarks out of frustration.

I’m sure that some people would have placed Trevor in the “difficult people” category, but for Trevor, THEY were the ones who were being difficult.

Trevor agreed to work through the problem using the Wellspring Method (using the guided CD program).

His goal was “to create a policy that everyone can agree on” and his level of frustration about the issue was 8 out of 10.

His desire was for people to be interested in what he had to say and for his input to be insightful, productive and persuasive.

As Trevor began to visualize himself in future meetings he became aware that simply talking about what HE wanted without regard for the opinion of others was doomed to failure.

He then quickly recognized the value in talking LESS and actively asking questions of others to draw out their concerns and ideas and INCLUDING them in the process of thinking through the issues.


He saw that when the time was right he could offer his solutions, which would then be appreciated for their insightfulness and effectiveness.

Trevor discovered that it was “actually fun” being in these meetings and he started receiving compliments and appreciation for his work – all because he acknowledged the need of other people to be heard and to contribute.

Furthermore, by allowing others to express their wants and concerns about a policy first, he was able to demonstrate how his proposal could address their needs.

Understanding the other person’s point of view, including their wants and needs, is one of the most useful things you can ever learn about interpersonal relationships.

This one concept alone could mean the difference between average results and phenomenal success in your career.

6. Join and Influence

Let’s take the concept of understanding the other person’s point of view another step further.

If you are genuinely committed to creating a positive change, and if you are able to set aside your negative reactions in order to take an interest in the other person’s needs and wants, then you are ready to embrace a concept that could totally change the way you deal with people.


Get ready. Here it is…

“Since, everyone operates from their own point of view, not yours, proceed by JOINING them in THEIR point of view.”

When you join someone in their view of reality it doesn’t mean that you give up what you want or turn your back on what is right.

It just means that you are going to exert your influence by using the other person’s perspective, not yours. It is based upon cooperation, not opposition.

Simple images can sometimes stick with a person as a useful reminder for a concept. So, here’s a simple example of joining and influencing.

When my oldest son was nine months old, he awoke crying in the middle of the night. I was elected to deal with him, so, I did all of the usual things – gave him some milk, changed his diapers, even sang a lullaby.

However, he wasn’t that hungry and he was in no mood for sleep! So, I went back to bed and we let him cry for a while.

After half an hour of listening to his wailing, I could feel my frustration building and the idea of getting up for work in the morning was becoming less and less appealing.

I realized that I needed to be effective. So, I set aside my frustration in favor of being understanding


and helpful.

I joined my infant son in HIS view of reality, which was “I don’t want to be in bed going to sleep. I want to play!”

So, I got him up, turned on the lights, sat him in the middle of the floor and handed him a toy. He IMMEDIATELY stopped crying!

Now as I sat there, blearyeyed, in the middle of the night, I realized how tired I was. Then, I realized how tired HE must be, especially after he just finished crying for half an hour.

So, I thought to myself, “If this play gets boring, maybe he’ll get so relaxed that his need for sleep will take over.”

So, I handed him another toy, which he accepted with his other hand. Then, I handed him a THIRD toy. He stared at it for a moment and then dropped one of his toys to reach for the new one.

Then, I picked up the one he had dropped and held THAT if front of him. Now, his gaze was always fixed in front of him. After a longer moment, he dropped a toy and reached for the one that I was holding.

As I continued to do this, I could see my son’s head starting to droop. This whole “playing in the middle of the night thing” was becoming way too much work.

I picked him up and put him into bed and he fell


asleep almost instantly.

Joining another person in their view of reality, or at least that part of reality that is related to the current problem, must always be done with an attitude of respect, understanding and helpfulness.

It’s only possible to do this, of course, if you are feeling good about what you are doing.

And if your goal is to find some way that the other person can satisfy their wants and needs in a way that works better for them AND for you, then you can most certainly feel good about this goal!

“Joining and Influencing” can be accomplished in several different ways...

a) The “Yes” mental set

A simple technique for joining is to say things that the other person can agree with.

If you present a series of statements, all of which the other person agrees with, then there is a strong tendency for the other person to assume that you know what you are talking about, that you understand them and their situation.

Of course, you have to learn enough about the other person’s point of view to be able to make accurate statements.

Then, if you suggest something that is slightly different from the way they were thinking before, they


will be more likely to consider it and accept it.

Here’s an example of an employee who is refusing to document the Standards of Practice guidelines for her position:

Supervisor: “You do an excellent job of processing the ID badges and encoding the privileges.”

Employee: “Thank you.”

Supervisor: “Documenting the Standards and Practice guidelines for your job just seems like unnecessary paperwork, doesn’t it?”

Employee: “Yes, it’s a complete waste of my time.”

Supervisor: “You’re planning on taking your holidays soon, aren’t you?”

Employee: “Yes.”

Supervisor: “But we can’t stop processing new IDs while you are gone.”

Employee: “Right.”

Supervisor: “Since no one else knows how to do your job, I’m sure that everyone would really appreciate it if you could leave some instructions to follow while you’re away…”

Employee: (Nodding)

Supervisor: “Well, if you just wrote out the


instructions as a stepbystep guideline for the Standards of Practice, you could actually solve BOTH problems.”

Employee: “Ok, that makes sense.”

b) A common purpose

If two or more people who are in disagreement or in conflict can see a common purpose, they automatically step onto the same side of the fence and join forces to achieve their common goal.

There is always a higher goal that can be identified in any given situation, even if it’s as broad and as general as “getting along better”.

However, the more tangible and specific the common purpose can be the more effective it is.

In my practice, I have seen more than a few divorced couples who continue to fight and squabble for some reason or another.

Most often, however, they can agree that a higher purpose they share in common is to raise happy and welladjusted children.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that continuous fighting and hostility will be detrimental to the emotional wellbeing of the child.

It’s surprising, though, how many couples never actually put this idea forward to one another as a means of settling their disagreement. It appears to be


more appealing to fight than to do the work of getting along.

However, once I remind them of their common desire to help their son or daughter, these warring parents usually find a way to speak more respectfully to one another, to take a break if they feel their emotions being triggered and to be more constructive in finding solutions.

Complaining customers want to feel satisfied with their purchase or refund. You can share in this desire as well.

Gossipers, paradoxically, want to be well thought of by their friends and colleagues. You can agree that they should be well thought of. In fact, everyone should be well thought of.

Bosses who bully probably still care about productivity and profits. You can care about this too.

Backstabbers care about advancing themselves. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t want them to advance too – just not at your expense.

If you join with the other person in a common purpose, then it gives you the opportunity to steer things in a new direction.

You can point out advantages that the complaining customer may have overlooked. You can fix the problem. You can replace the item. You can offer them a discount on their next purchase, and so on. You are helping them feel satisfied because their total future


purchases are worth far more to your company than the immediate item.

You can show your appreciation of the gossiper and point out all of the complimentary things that you plan to say about them. You can also point out that if they continue to say negative things about you that it may have the unfortunate effect of making them look bad.

You might reveal to your bully boss a plan for increasing your productivity or boosting sales and that his encouraging comments and praise would make a big difference to your motivation and profits. Then, whenever he uses intimidation you can say, “Intimidation costs you money. Why don't we work together instead.”

Think of some tangible way you could help a backstabber advance in the job or benefit at work in some way. Ask them if they would like to hear about it. You can point out that you may very well come up with more ideas in the future that would benefit you both. Then invite them to bury the hatchet.

c) Help them solve their problem

Often people are behaving in a difficult way because of a need or want that is being frustrated. If you can help them find a way to solve their dilemma, you can gain their cooperation.

Some years ago, my girlfriend and I needed to find a temporary living arrangement while our new house was being built.


We had a dog and rental accommodations were in high demand. We found a house for rent not far from the site of our new home that was perfect. Furthermore, the landlords only wanted to rent it out temporarily because they had relatives moving into it in a few months.

But, there was a problem. No dogs were accepted and they were very firm on this point.

By asking a few questions we discovered that they had allowed dogs once before. The previous renters owned two large dogs that were left in the house during the day. These animals had unfortunately destroyed the place, which necessitated some major repairs.

We decided to write a letter designed to help the landlord with her problem. We said that of course she was sceptical about allowing pets because of her previous bad experience and we agreed that large poorly controlled animals should be avoided.

However, our dog was a small cute curlywhite haired dog named “Mitzy” and we included an adorable photo of her. We also made her aware that we were both responsible and capable professionals who took pride in their living environment.

Finally, we pointed out the perfect match between our desire for temporary accommodations and her desire for temporary renters.

How could she refuse? We lived there for the intervening months and it proved to be a great


arrangement for all.

Sometimes, however, the difficult person’s frustration has something to do with YOU.

Remember, it’s not really about you so don’t take it personally. The same principles still apply. It’s about some want or need of THEIRS that is being frustrated.

You can help provide a solution, but only one that is good for both of you. You don’t have to assume that helping them solve their problem means that you have to put up with them abusing you.

Let’s say that someone is criticizing you and they are being rather condescending and judgmental about it.

Well, if you look at it objectively without your emotions being triggered and without becoming hooked into a battle, you can see that this person is trying to solve a problem, although not in a very constructive way.

They are criticizing because they don’t like something you are doing. In other words, the way you are doing something poses a problem for them.

Let’s say they are critical of your lack of organization in record keeping. If you use the concept of “helping them solve their problem”, then you can begin by helping them define their goal in positive terms… “John, are you saying that you’d like me to do a better job of the record keeping?”


If he agrees, then you can say that his “put down” wasn’t at all necessary because you’d be HAPPY to help solve the problem… “How do you think the record keeping should be done?”

From here you can join forces to address the problem. You may see that John’s approach has merit or you may disagree and help John to appreciate why your way works better.

It may be that John is absolutely correct and that you really DO need to work on your organization skills to avoid those unnecessary mistakes that keep happening.

In any case, you can separate out the valid point he is making from the judgmental manner in which he was speaking to you. You can address the valid point by helping him solve his problem and you can address his rude manner separately.

For example, after you have agreed to address the organization problem you can say, “By the way, if you see me doing something you don’t like in the future, don’t criticize. Just give me your constructive suggestion on how to improve things and I’ll listen.”

7. Provide an Appealing Opportunity

Another way of making a difficult person feel good about you is to provide them with some kind of opportunity that would potentially benefit them or appeal to them.


Once they see what’s in it for them, all you need to do is demonstrate how your vision of getting along better could make it happen.

People like to be successful, wellthoughtof and important. Is there any way that you could facilitate any of these happening for the person you are dealing with?

Could you “put in a good word” on their behalf to the boss? Could you offer to do something for them? Could you agree to something they want?

And if your relationship could improve, how could that “opportunity” become more likely to happen again for them in the future?

Could you think of some advantage that could come to them if they were open to trying things a little differently?

For example, with someone who is resisting change of some kind, you can let them get a feel for the advantages of the new approach by painting a picture for them.

You can make something come alive and seem a lot more appealing if you describe the experience as though they are in it.

Advertisers are often good at this. They can even take a subject that is not very interesting such as “managing your money” and turn it into “We’ll show you how to make your dreams come true”. Then they'll display images of your child growing up and graduating


from college – you can just feel the pride welling up in your chest!

So, talk to the difficult person in terms of THEIR wishes and dreams and show them how you can help make that happen.

You may not be able to make a HUGE difference in their life, but there will very likely be SOME way that you could make their life a little easier or more fulfilling.

Provide an appealing opportunity. They’ll feel good about you and become more cooperative with you as a result.

8. Give Valuing Compliments, Sincere Appreciation and Meaningful Praise

Perhaps the most powerful positive influence that you can have on another person is the act of showing in some way that you value them.

The desire to feel important, to feel valued and appreciated, is a universal motivation that drives people to do all kinds of things, both constructively and destructively, consciously and unconsciously.

Most often, the feeling of being valued and appreciated is the reason that people stay working for companies, even when the pay might be better somewhere else.

It is the reason we wear attractive clothes, do our


hair, brag about our children and enjoy receiving cards and gifts. We like to be reminded of our value that we are doing a good job, that our contributions count, that people like us.

William James, the famous 19th century psychologist and philosopher, wrote, “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated”.

In more recent times, psychologists have determined that social reinforcement (i.e., praise and positive recognition) is the most powerful positive reinforcement of all (Daniels 1994).

Personal growth teachers such as Anthony Robbins stress the importance of maintaining “an attitude of gratitude”.

And yet, amazingly, the use of valuing compliments, sincere appreciation and meaningful praise is still remarkably underutilized in the workplace while criticism and complaining are still going strong.

Studies examining at the rates of positive reinforcement versus punishment or negative comments in the average classroom in the United States found ratios in the range of 1:2 (i.e., twice as much negative than positive, White 1975).

By contrast, in a study that looked at effective training of classroom teachers revealed that the optimal positive reinforcement to punishment ratio was 4:1 or better. Less than this resulted in discipline problems and lower achievement in their classrooms


(Madsen 1974).

Lower positive reinforcement ratios were also found in the families of delinquent teenagers (Stuart 1971).

Children who are criticized and ignored tend to be supersensitive to criticism with poor selfesteem. When they grow up they may become a difficult person perhaps someone that you are dealing with now.

These people (and there are a lot of people in this boat) tend to do things that command your attention.

Low selfconfidence does not necessarily show itself as the nervous insecure individual. A person who lacks selfconfidence may be someone who is overly aggressive or demanding, or someone who always needs to be right or someone who craves attention.

Compliments, appreciation and praise are EVEN MORE EFFECTIVE with people who have low self confidence.

It’s because they need your positive comments so badly that they will even behave inappropriately to get your attention.

Almost everyone wants attention. And they will get it, if not in positive ways, in negative ways. That’s how powerful this motivation truly is.

I worked with a teenager for a few months who was afraid of automobiles. He had been in a minor motor vehicle accident, but he was asleep as a


passenger in the car when it happened.

The sudden experience of the collision was so shocking to his system that he retreated into the house in the small town where he lived for TWO WHOLE YEARS!

He was PARALYSED by his fear of vehicles. He couldn’t go to school. He couldn’t go outside. He couldn’t even LOOK at a car without feeling a panicky inside. His mother was very worried about him and she provided him with a great deal of sympathy and support.

He had to take medication for his anxiety just to cope with the 15minute taxi ride with his mother to my office from the hotel where they decided to stay while he was receiving therapy.

Using the Wellspring Method, I helped this boy simply mentally rehearse riding in cars. Eventually, he started practicing looking at cars, walking around them, getting in a car, travelling a short distance, going longer distances, etc.

At every step of the way, I praised him and complimented him on his good work. I was constantly impressed by any little improvement or effort he made and I simply overlooked any negative thing, such as him not showing up for an appointment because he was too nervous to travel that day.

This form of continual praise, complimenting, appreciating and being impressed by someone’s effort can work wonders for managers in gaining the


cooperation of employees.

In the book “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, Dale Carnegie described Charles Schwab, one of the first people in America to receive a salary of one million dollars per year. Furthermore, this occurred way back in 1921 as president of the U.S. Steel Company.

Why was this man paid such a large sum of money? It was not because of any special knowledge of the steel industry, that’s for sure.

Here is Charles Schwab’s explanation in his own words:

“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset that I possess. And the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. There is nothing else that so kills the ambition of a person as criticism from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work, so I’m anxious to praise but loathe to find fault. If I like anything I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.”

The average person, however, does the exact opposite. If they don’t like something they criticize and if they do like it they say nothing.

Valuing compliments, sincere appreciation and meaningful praise are the wax and polish that bring dull lacklustre people to life and smooth out the


irritating edges of others.

How to Erase the Positive Response You Worked Hard to Create

There are a few traps that others have fallen into in their quest for positive change. These interpersonal land mines will destroy all of your previous positive efforts:

Landmine #1: Make your compliments, interest and friendliness insincere.

Flattery is not the same as praise because it is not heartfelt and not genuine. It may be difficult to find something in another person that you can truly compliment, but there is usually something, even if it is their reasonable effort, their sensible judgment, their good intention, an admirable quality or a positive desire in them that you can find genuinely worthy of acknowledgment.

Landmine #2: Use the word “but” following your compliments or praise.

The word “but” is the Big Eraser. It negates everything that precedes it in a sentence. For example, “You made a great effort this month, John, but your stats could still use some improvement”, “I can tell you’re really trying to change your attitude, Sam, but you’re still being too critical.”


Backhanded compliments such as these don’t leave the other person with a good feeling. Get the picture?

Landmine #3: Let the other person “bait” you into a negative interaction.

Chronically difficult people often expect negative reactions from others, so they’ll interpret your positive comments in a negative way to “test” whether you’ll take the bait and get upset.

Of course if you bite, you’ll be seen as yet another person who doesn’t understand them and your attempt at a positive interaction will spiral down the drain.

Ignore the bait and restate your positive comment, perhaps differently or more emphatically, until they believe you and let the good feeling in. Watch for a smile or a softening in their expression or tone.

Landmine #4: Discuss problems that occurred in the past.

Perhaps the most common way that your positive efforts can become sidetracked is by allowing yourself to focus on things that went wrong in the past.

When someone does this they are often trying to point out what the difficult person did wrong or they are trying to explain how they


feel. For example, "When you criticized me like that I felt blamed and hurt. I don't even want to listen when you treat me like that".

Even if this is said in a nice way with good intentions, it will frequently derail progress because it will probably trigger the other person's sensitive spot. Also, when you discuss events from the past where does it naturally lead? To the bad feelings (in both of you) associated with the negative outcome, of course.

A better way to approach discussions is to keep them futureoriented because the future has not been written as yet. Possibilities for a positive outcome still exist.

A good way to take the focus into the future is to begin with, "The next time..." For example, "The next time you are annoyed with me about something and you feel like criticizing, I'd be much more likely to listen to you if you could give a helpful suggestion instead... I'd be really happy if you could do that for me."

Remember, the goal is to make the other person feel good because you are setting a positive tone in the relationship, which will facilitate the constructive changes you want in the near future.

When to Just Ask

If you have been successful in helping the difficult person feel good about you, then obtaining their agreement to change their behavior can be as simple


as just asking.

When the other person is in a positive frame of mind, they’ll be much more likely to respond positively to your request if it is stated in a polite, not emotionally charged, matteroffact sort of way.

With a positive tone in the relationship you can say such things as, “Sue, the next time one of us is annoyed about something, why don’t we just talk it out calmly and come up with a constructive solution instead of letting bad feelings ruin our day?”

However, don’t ask for the world on a platter. Make your behavior request specific and easy for the person to address successfully.

For example, you wouldn’t ask someone to be less controlling, but you could ask them to replace their critical comments with helpful suggestions.

Or, instead of asking someone to be more outgoing you could ask them to share their thoughts with you more often in your conversations because you know they have good ideas.

Also, it would be a VERY good idea to make sure you notice and be complimentary when they DO make an attempt to change.

Ideally, you could start a positive snowball rolling in which the other person ENJOYS doing things for you because they appreciate your positive attitude and praise.


To give you an example, I helped a woman who complained to me about her nosy neighbours. They were always asking, “Where have you been?” or, “I see that your husband is out of town. How long will he be gone?” and so on.

My fuming client exclaimed that she couldn’t take it any more and she felt like telling them off. But instead, she worked things through using the Wellspring Method and decided to use a more positive approach.

Now that she was feeling calm and confident, she was able to approach her neighbour, engage them in a friendly conversation and then say in a respectful way, “We really like you as neighbours and we also need our privacy. So, please don’t ask us where we are or what we are doing.”

The discussion was a longer than this, but you get the idea. She genuinely complimented them for being good neighbours because she truly DID appreciate them in all other respects.

Her neighbours agreed to her specific request and she thanked them. They understood and stopped asking their nosy questions.

It seems so simple as I write about this, and yet, I also know that their previous neighbour was so distressed by their nosiness that she sold her house and moved away!



• Help the “difficult” person feel good, too.

If the difficult person is not WITH you, they will be against you and they can’t be with you if they don’t feel good about you.

Create a fabric of goodwill that builds cooperation.

• Be friendly and use humour.

When you persist with a friendly approach, even after the other person’s initial negative reactions, it establishes a new set of implied rules for your interaction.

A smile is perhaps one of the most powerful agents of change at your disposal. It is one of the most valuable gifts a person can receive, but it also benefits the sender.

• Be respectful at all times.

So, continue to be respectful even if the other person is not. You will be far more likely to set a respectful tone for your conversation even while you are discussing things on which you disagree.

• Be genuinely interested in the other person.

People like positive attention. Therefore, the most important reason for showing an interest in the difficult person is that it makes them feel good.


A person’s name triggers good feelings in someone when you say it in a warm and friendly tone of voice. It holds a special significance to that person.

• Understand their point of view.

Everyone operates from their OWN point of view, not YOURS.

If you approach a problem by learning about the other person’s point of view (i.e., what is important to them), you will be off to a good start.

• Understand their needs and wants.

Your objective is to understand a difficult person’s motives for behaving the way they are.

Be understanding and sympathetic and keep talking to them until you really understand.

• Joining and influencing.

Since, everyone operates from their own point of view, not yours, proceed by joining them in their point of view.

Use a “Yes” Set: If you present a series of statements, with which the other person can agree, then there is a strong tendency for the other person to assume that you understand them and their situation.

Establish a Common Purpose: If you join with the other person in a common purpose, then it gives you the opportunity to steer things in a new direction.


Help Them Solve Their Problem: If you can help them find a solution for a need or want that is being frustrated, you can gain their cooperation.

• Provide an appealing opportunity.

Find a way to help the other person be successful with something, admired for some accomplishment or feel important.

Talk to the difficult person in terms of their wishes and dreams and show them how you can help make that happen.

• Give valuing compliments, sincere appreciation and meaningful praise.

The most powerful positive influence that you can have on another person is the act of showing that you value them.

Psychologists have determined that social reinforcement (i.e., praise and positive recognition) is the most powerful positive reinforcer of all.

Compliments, appreciation and praise are even more effective with people who have low self confidence.

• Avoid the interpersonal landmines.

Do not make your compliments, interest and friendliness insincere.

Do not use the word “but” following your


compliment or praise.

Do not let the other person “bait” you into a negative interaction.

Keep your discussions focused on creating the future you want and don't rehash past problems. Use futureoriented phrases such as, "The next time..."

• Once the other person is feeling good, just ask for what you want.

If you have been successful in helping the difficult person feel good about you, then obtaining their agreement to change their behavior can be as simple as just asking.


How to Deal with Bullying, Harassment… 175 _______________________________________________________

11

How to Deal with Bullying, Harassment, Gossip, Office

Politics and Controlling People

As I mentioned in Chapter 9, you should make use of the “All Paths Lead To Success” concept when it comes to dealing with difficult behavior.

What this means is that you make use of any behavior that the other person is giving you to help both of you move closer to the positive goal.

It means that problem behavior of any kind actually becomes an opportunity to create positive change.

As I said previously, there are two essential things that you must do in order to take advantage of this opportunity.


First, you must target a specific behavior that is causing a problem.

It’s not enough to say that someone is “controlling”, for example, because there are so many different ways of being controlling. One person might be perfectionistic and critical of your mistakes or imperfections. Another person may be clingy and insecure and always wanting to be close to you. A third “controlling” person may be bossy and demanding, flying into fits of temper whenever they don’t get their way.

It’s important to target the exact behavior pattern that you intend to influence. It should be something that the other person does that you can actually see when you close your eyes and picture it happening.

Second, identify your goal the positive behavior that you’d like the other person, as well as yourself, to be showing instead. Everything you feel, say or do should lead towards this result and everything the other person says or does can potentially be used to help you get there.

Remember that this behavior should ultimately benefit the other person as well as you and that your goal should be stated in positive terms, not negative.

How often do we say, “I wish you'd stop being late all the time!” instead of, “I'd really like it when you're on time. Would you make an effort to do it more often?”

It’s very difficult for someone to “stop” doing


something or “not do” something. They need to intentionally DO something else instead.

Third, look for opportunities to make use of the other person’s behavior to accomplish the goal.

On the few occasions that I have been asked to testify in court as an expert witness, I have pondered my objective, based on the facts of the case, until my conclusions and recommendations were crystal clear in my mind.

My goal, then, was to make sure that the judge heard all of my evidence so that my opinion would be accepted.

Of course, it was likely that the opposing lawyer would try very hard to shoot holes in my testimony and, therefore, undermine my recommendations.

So, I would make use of this behavior pattern and give them something to shoot at – something that I could also use to achieve my goal.

For example, a man had lost custody of his son to his exwife due to his drinking problem, but the boy was the only person who had witnessed it.

I knew that the lawyer would try to make it look like the boy was making it up, perhaps by saying that the mother encouraged him to lie. Therefore, I armed myself with all of the incriminating facts and details I could find to prove my point. My goal was to make sure that the full extent of this material was presented.


On the witness stand I reported that this man had a drinking problem. Of course, the opposing lawyer asked wryly, “Dr. Lauderdale, how do you KNOW this man had a drinking problem?”

I responded by giving SOME of the information I had gathered. I described the man’s drunken behavior that had been reported to me by the boy. Of course, the lawyer disputed this by saying that this may have merely been normal alcohol consumption on special occasions witnessed by an impressionable child.

I then described the numerous bottles that the boy had collected every few weeks and reported the amount of money he had received for returning those bottles.

Each time the lawyer disputed me I revealed another layer of condemning evidence. The lawyer then asked how I knew that these weren’t actually soft drink and juice bottles.

This gave me the opportunity to vividly describe the label designs, names, colors and prices that the boy had given to me in detail – a pile of information that a child could not possibly know unless he had seen it for himself at his father's house.

That lawyer wished that she had never opened up that Pandora’s Box.

As I poured out this information in response to the lawyer’s attempts to disqualify me, my position became more and more convincing and was actually promoted by the lawyer’s own questions. The overall


result was that questions from the lawyers on BOTH sides helped me present all of my evidence in support of my view.

In the remainder of this chapter I’ll show you some interesting and effective ways that can help you use someone’s negative behavior to achieve a positive outcome.

Re‐define Negative Behavior

a) Rephrase negative comments

Stated most simply, you can take someone’s negative comment and rephrase it in positive terms (the way you’d like someone to speak to you), such as…

The Grump: “Sam, these papers lying all over the place aren't going to file themselves!”

Your response (in a pleasant, not sarcastic, tone of voice): “You're saying that you’d really appreciate it if I filed the papers?”

Got it?

b) Reinterpret negative behavior

You can interpret someone’s mistakes in a positive way rather than condemning or pointing out their faults.

For example, you can comment that gossiping


seems to be happening less around the office and that people seem to be getting friendlier, even if they aren’t. If they agree, you’ve got a friend. If they disagree, then the conversation can easily move into agreeing that at least the two of you won’t be gossipers. Then do the same with everyone in the office!

If someone tends to procrastinate and they take too long to get back to you or to do some task, you can thank them for their prompt action and point out how much it helps things move forward when people contribute in this way.

Even if it’s clear to the other person that they are not doing the thing that you are complimenting for, they will hear it as a desire of yours and credit you for letting them save face concerning their error.

If someone is very critical or complaining, you can comment that it appears that they like things done right. Then, ask what their good suggestions are for doing things the right way.

Very often we attribute negative motives to people’s behavior. The result is that we tend to get MORE of that behavior. So, why not attribute them with positive motives? People tend to live up to the positive qualities that you see in them.

c) Redefine the conditions under which the negative behavior can take place

Negative behavior can be reduced if it can be limited in some way to a particular place or time or


person.

One summer, I took my four sons to the Calgary Stampede, a major fair and rodeo in Western Canada. In the car, my two younger sons, twins who were 9 years old at the time, were poking and whining and hitting each other.

I told them to stop. Their older brothers told them stop, but they just wouldn’t… or couldn’t. I thought, however, that once we entered the fairgrounds they’d be so entertained that the problem would simply disappear.

But, it didn’t. They continued with their annoying niggling and needling of each other. I reflected to myself that this was going to be one VERY long afternoon if I didn’t put a stop to this.

So, I defined the conditions under which they could continue with their behavior. At the entrance to one of the exhibit buildings where a lot of people were coming and going, I stopped and explained to the boys that the rest of us didn’t want to listen to their whining, but that I had a solution.

Since they still needed to bug each other, they could do it here in this spot for as long as they wanted and that they should do all of the bugging that they needed to do for the rest of the day – right now.

I told them to take all the time they needed and that the rest of us would wait for them right over there by the doors.


I still don’t know what they said to each other, but after only half a minute of intense negotiations, they returned. I asked incredulously, “Are you SURE that you’ve done all the bugging you need to do for the day?” They both nodded in agreement.

I had fully expected, knowing kids, that there would be more problems later. However, after several hours, I was actually surprised by the realization that there had not been even one more episode of bugging the entire day!

The essential ingredient in this technique is to give permission to the other person to continue the behavior in question, but to define the circumstances under which it can occur.

In the example I just gave, not only did I define the situation but I also made the circumstances become a bit of a problem for the boys, which motivated their decision to make a change.

However, even if the conditions are simply re defined the result will be an alteration in the behavior pattern.

For example, if two or more people in the office are engaged in behindthescenes guerrilla warfare or backstabbing, the dispute can be redefined in the form of a meeting in which their complaints can be fully aired with one another.

Furthermore, these meetings should be unsupervised (unless there is a large power differential between the two) and continue until both parties agree


that all issues have been resolved satisfactorily.

In this way, they can continue their dispute for as long as they need (apparently they need to fight for some reason), but the longer they fight the more of a nuisance (in the form of further meetings) it will become for them. After a while they will both want to just get back to work and they will become serious about settling their differences.

Here are a couple of other examples…

Employee addressing a boss who yells: “If I ever make an error that causes a MAJOR problem, you have my permission to yell at me. Would you like to yell at me NOW for a major error?”

Boss talking to a chronic complainer: “You have a lot of complaints, which you are voicing to a lot of people. Why don’t you write them down for me in detail in a journal. And every time you have a complaint in the future, I’d like you to write it down. We’ll review your journal in 3 months.”

d) Give the negative behavior a new purpose

Some behaviors can actually take on a positive function if channelled correctly.

A gossiper can use their talents by contributing to the company newsletter. Someone who is very picky might be wellsuited to quality control. Dramatic people might do better in promotions.

When I hired a new office assistant a few years


ago, I noticed that she was making quite a few annoying errors – things misfiled, typing mistakes, calculation errors, etc.

Furthermore, she was a rather sensitive young woman who really wanted to do a good job and felt TERRIBLE if she did anything wrong. She would simply melt into a puddle of tears.

So, I gave the mistakes a new purpose.

Instead of viewing mistakes as something terrible to be avoided at all costs, I explained that there were many things that were unique about the way I ran my office and that it would take a few months for anyone to learn all of it.

Furthermore, I fully expected and WANTED her to make a lot of mistakes. I said that it was GOOD for her to let me SEE the mistakes because it gave me the opportunity to show her the correct way of doing things.

I then explained that I would regularly check all of her work and give her the chance to correct each and every error until she was fully confident with all of the office procedures.

Of course, there were a lot of little mistakes that I could have corrected myself more easily, but I resisted the temptation and I took the extra time to send it back to her to correct.

She still had the occasional meltdown, especially if something was sent back several times, but I


complimented her on her growing competence and commended her on how hard she was trying.

I suggested that she relax and not try so hard because the process of making ENOUGH mistakes to learn properly just takes time.

After a few months she was doing a fine job and I didn’t have to check things any more. I was actually sad to lose her a year later when she was offered a fulltime position with higher pay doing something she truly loved.

How To Make Difficult Behavior Become a Problem for Them

CAUTION: When it comes to influencing someone else’s behavior we must be clear that we cannot and should not attempt to control the other person by trying to force them, coerce them or manipulate them into doing something that they do not wish to do.

We have to respect their free will to choose how they wish to behave, for better or worse. You are free, for example, to touch a hot stove with your bare finger if you want to. However, you would probably choose NOT to do that because you know that the consequences would be rather unpleasant.

It is possible then, to arrange it so that enjoyable results are matched up with positive behavior while negative behavior creates a problem for the person.


When my second oldest son was just three years old I was worried that he might accidentally touch the hot barbecue on the porch as he was running around at play without paying attention to the potential danger.

Now, I could have tried to control him by commanding him to stay away from the barbecue. However, I decided to help him make his own choice out of his own free will. I just made sure that he made his decision based on the realities of life.

So, I kneeled down with him and explained that the barbecue was very hot. Then, I took his little hand in mine and moved it closer to the barbecue – not close enough to burn, but close enough for him to feel the heat.

As I moved his hand a tiny bit closer, he pulled away. I could see that he had made his decision, even at an unconscious instinctual level. To confirm it at a conscious level in his mind, I asked, “Do you think that you want to stay away from the barbecue, now?”

He nodded, I said “ok”, and he ran off to play. He was always careful playing near the barbecue after that.

So, while a person should have the freedom to choose how they want to behave, you can influence that choice by making sure that their undesirable behavior results in something unpleasant while desirable positive behavior is enjoyable.


ANOTHER CAUTION: You will likely feel tempted to think of this as “reward and punishment” or “positive and negative consequences”, but I’m talking about something more complex than that.

A punishment or a negative consequence is a behavior strategy that ends up making the other person feel bad, which if you have been paying attention to the rest of this book, is the exact OPPOSITE of where we want to be.

If a person perceives that you have punished them in some way, there will be unpleasant repercussions and then you’ll be writing me to complain that my methods are horrible and don’t work.

Instead, I suggest that you use a special kind of unpleasantness – that you make it so that the undesirable behavior creates a problem, which the person can eliminate through desirable behavior.

They solve their problem, you solve your problem and everyone is happy.

As our first example, let's look at dealing with a child’s behavior for simplicity.

Let’s say Johnny has a temper meltdown because you asked him to turn off the TV and get started on his homework.

Because he is really angry and carrying on, you send him to his room for a 15minute time out. In the minds of many parents, this is as far as it goes – a negative consequence for negative behavior. Even if


there’s some debriefing and discussion afterwards, it will still feel like a punishment to Johnny.

Let’s look at what it would look like if we create a problem for Johnny to solve. First, you ask Johnny to turn off the TV and start his homework and he has a meltdown.

This time when you send him to his room, you say, “You can have your tantrum here in your room as long as you need to and when you’re ready to turn off the TV and do your homework when I ask, just come on out.”

Johnny eventually emerges from his room after a short or long period of time depending on how stubborn he is. You then ask if he knows what he’s going to do differently the next time you ask him to turn of the TV and start his homework.

When he says “yes” you can then start over from the top and have Johnny sit down and resume watching TV.

Then ask him once again to turn it off and start his homework. This time, Johnny might simply do as asked or he might say, “But I’m watching this show” to which you could respond by helping him record the rest to watch later after his homework is done.

Any other issues could be worked out through calm negotiation and discussion, which is a much healthier way for Johnny to cope with his frustrations.


Finally, once Johnny is working on his homework you can be very impressed and compliment him on coming up with such a good solution. The whole thing ends on a positive note, which means that Johnny is far more likely to do the same thing next time.

Here’s another simple example of making undesirable behavior become a problem for the other person.

Many years ago my wife and I would be invited to a friend’s house for supper. They were very hospitable and our host really enjoyed his wine. I think he felt that it would be ok for him to drink more wine if everyone else was drinking a lot of wine, too.

So, he kept filling my glass as soon as it was half empty whether I objected or not. After several meals there and always ending up drinking more than I wanted, I decided to influence his controlling behavior somehow.

After thinking for a while I realized that because he liked his wine so much it would definitely create a problem for him if he had to throw some out at the end of the dinner.

Therefore, all I needed to do was to drink the amount of wine that I wanted, wait for him to refill it and then leave my glass of wine untouched after that. When he said, “Aren’t you going to finish your wine?” I replied, “I’ve had enough thanks”.


He learned very quickly indeed to respect my wishes and always ask me first before refilling my glass.

The Little Nuisance – Your Greatest Ally

I want you to realize that using a technique that may cause some unpleasantness to another person must be carried out with a positive and caring intention in mind.

If you simply create a problem for someone, but don’t support them in finding a successful alternative, then YOU are the one who is being difficult.

What you should really be aiming for is a change in the other person’s behavior that will actually help them be more effective and more successful in their personal life or career.

The only way you will win is if the other person wins as well.

This is why I don’t believe in punishment or negative consequences or even creating a “huge” problem for someone.

Small problems or nuisances are much easier for a person to respond to. A little nuisance that continues over a longer period of time will always work better than some big negative experience.

This is because everyone knows that a big negative experience, such as a big lecture or a major blowup, is an infrequent thing. It will pass. You’ll get


over it.

It’s not closely connected to the person’s negative behavior and, therefore, it does little to motivate a person to WANT to behave differently.

However, a little nuisance that is frequently attached to a particular behavior can motivate a person to alter that behavior because changing the behavior becomes the way to get rid of the nuisance.

In the previous section, I described my approach to dealing with a new office assistant who made a lot of mistakes and I set it up so that it was EXPECTED that she would make mistakes and learn from them.

The nuisance I injected into the situation was the fact that I did not let any little mistake go by without her having to address it. Since I justified it as a valuable part of her learning, she couldn’t see me as being punitive because she agreed that she wanted to do a good job and I was simply helping her to accomplish that.

Well, the story continues. After she left, I hired another woman whose resumé looked very promising. She was obviously very bright, but somehow it did not translate into her doing things the way I wanted them to be done.

I started to wonder if I was just being way to picky, but then I thought, “No, the bank entries DO have to go in the right book, and the statements DO have to be filed in the right folder…” and so on.


So, I used the exact same approach with this person and explained that mistakes were expected for the first few months and that I would help her out by bringing every single mistake back to her to fix.

I hung in there for two long stressful months. I wanted to give her every possible opportunity to improve her work or even suggest better ways of doing certain things, but the improvement never came.

Finally, when it had become absolutely clear that this type of work was not a good match for her I told her that I would have to let her go. What surprised me, though, was that she was happy, and relieved.

She informed me that she was already looking for another job. We parted ways on good terms. She was just as happy to get rid of me as I was to be free from her! It was a win for both of us.

The little natural nuisance had come through again.

I then hired a third assistant who, I am happy to report, picked things up quickly and has been doing a wonderful job. I make sure to show her my appreciation and compliment her work every chance I get.

The secret to creating an effective little nuisance is to target a specific behavior and then do something with it instead of trying to stop it. You want to make it so that the more they continue the behavior the more of a problem it becomes.


Of course, this means that you cannot be emotionally triggered by the behavior or else you won’t be able to stick with it consistently over a period of time until the behavior changes into something more positive.

That’s why the whole section on The Wellspring Method is so important because it helps you remain calm and confident while you are dealing with this behavior.

Let’s go through a few quick examples. Just realize, though, that brief examples like these are not “prescriptions” for your situation.

You will still need to think through your problem by using the Wellspring Method and come up with your own specific ideas that suit your unique situation.

a) Harassment on the phone by someone you know

You can tell the person you’ll be happy to discuss the issue with them once they are able to speak to you calmly and respectfully. Let them know that you are going to put the phone down for a little while to give you both a chance to collect yourselves, but they can continue their verbal abuse without you if they wish.

Then set the phone down (don’t hang up) and come back a few minutes later. Repeat as required. If they are intoxicated, then don't speak to them until they are sober.

Learning Point: Harassment ties up the phone


while respectfulness leads to briefer and more successful conversations.

b) Bullying at the office

You can respond with, “I can't understand you when you use words like that. Could you please try that again?”… more verbal abuse…

“I still don’t understand you. What do you want exactly?”… more abuse…

“Perhaps if you use nonjudgmental words I could understand you more clearly”… mutters something that sounds like a request…

“You’d like me to revise the ABC report?”… says yes… “Why don’t you ask me politely and see if that works?”… asks politely…

“Certainly, I’d be happy to do that for you (even if you’re not thrilled about it because you want to reinforce the politeness). Is there anything else you’d like me to do?”

Learning Point: Bullying or verbal abuse gets them nowhere while politeness gets results.

c) Indirect complaining or sniping

You can say, “I can’t help but notice that you are opposing every suggestion that we make. Are you trying to make a statement?”… denial followed by more complaints…


“Something is bugging you. Your concerns are important, so let’s hear them and address them”… stubbornly complains about the proposed new plan and abandoning the old plan…

“That old plan was abandoned because _________. But, is there some piece that you’d like to put into the new plan?”

Learning Point: Complaining becomes a problem for them while generating new ideas becomes the escape from the hot seat.

d) Favoritism at work

Addressing the boss or supervisor, “I notice that you have favorites in this office. What can I do to be a favorite too?”

If the person denies that there are favorites, then you can say, “Then in the future will you give me the same responsibilities (or privileges or whatever the issue is) as my coworker?”

If the person denies favoritism, but points out the things you need to improve, then respond positively to this and make your improvements.

Then, followup. If the favoritism continues (even if you have made improvements), raise the question again and ask what you can do to be a favorite, too. (You are not criticizing anyone this way. You are simply saying that you want to be part of the opportunity.)

You can keep on begging and offering to do special


favors until the boss sees that playing favorites is a big headache and he says something like, “All right. I’ve decided that there are no favorites around here. You all get the same privileges for the same work.” Then hold him to it.

On Being Patient and Persistent

One of the keys to creating change is to be absolutely persistent and committed to creating the positive change you want.

Sometimes things will move in the direction you envision inexplicably.

You can call it the Law of Attraction if you want, but I think the explanation lies in what we do subconsciously. When we hold onto a clear vision of the way we want things to be, we start to do things differently without ever realizing it and these subtle changes in our behavior start to produce subtle responses in others until one day you wake up and suddenly realize that things have changed!

The most powerful force on earth is gravity because it never ever EVER gives up.

So, let your vision of the positive outcome you want draw you towards it in the same that gravity causes a stream of water to find its way down a hill as it flows over and around any obstacle in its path.

Be patient and be persistent. Little nuisances work best over an extended period of time. Positive goals,


friendliness, understanding, opportunities, compliments and praise must always be a part of your approach.

Very rarely does difficult behavior change from a single intervention. Behavior changes a little bit with each new experience.

It’s like sanding and polishing. One bout of sanding produces some progress. The next time a bit more. Eventually, the true beauty within the wood or the stone or the difficult person will start to shine through and your diamond in the rough can become a real gem.



• Look for opportunities to make use of the other person’s behavior to accomplish your positive goal.

Target a specific behavior or a consistent pattern that you can encourage and then influence.

Be clear about the positive and mutually beneficial end result you want to achieve.

• Redefine negative behavior.

Rephrase negative comments into positive ones.

Reinterpret negative behavior in a positive way. People tend to live up to the positive qualities that you assign to them.

Redefine the conditions under which the negative behavior can take place. Negative behavior can be reduced if it can be defined to a particular time, place or person.

Give the negative behavior a new purpose. Some behaviors can actually take on a positive function if channeled correctly.

• Make difficult behavior become a problem for them.

Be careful not to attempt to manipulate the other person into doing something that is to your advantage only. The only way you will win is if the other person


wins as well.

Arrange it so that enjoyable results are matched up with positive behavior while negative behavior creates a problem for the person.

Do not use punishments or negative consequences alone. Always make sure to provide an escape into positive desirable behavior.

• Create small problems with little natural nuisances.

Small problems or nuisances are much easier for a person to respond to than big consequences or problems.

A nuisance that continues over a long period of time will always work better than an intense short lived negative experience.

A nuisance works best when it is logically connected to the target behavior in some way.

The secret to creating an effective little nuisance is to encourage a behavior instead of trying to stop it. You want to make it so that the more they continue the behavior the more of a problem it becomes for them.

Be calm and patient and stick with it consistently over time through several repetitions.


About the Author

Dr. Mark Lauderdale has practiced Child and Family Psychiatry for over 25 years as a Fellow of the Royal College of Physicians and Surgeons of Canada. He was an Associate Professor of Psychiatry at the University of Calgary, the President of the Canadian Society of Clinical Hypnosis Alberta Division and an Approved Consultant with the American Society of Clinical Hypnosis. Dr. Lauderdale is an innovator in success oriented personal change methods and has conducted numerous workshops on Clinical Hypnosis, Future Visioning and Personal Effectiveness.

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References

Butterworth, Eric (1993). Spiritual Economics. Unity Books: Unity Village, MO. Used by permission of Unity, www.unityonline.org.

Carnegie, Dale (1936). How to Win Friends and Influence People. Simon and Schuster: New York.

Daniels, Aubrey C. (1994). Bringing Out the Best in People. McGrawHill: New York.

Erickson, Milton H. (1965). The Use of Symptoms as an Integral Part of Hypnotherapy. American Journal of Clinical Hypnosis, 8, 5765.

Madsen, C.H. Jr., and Madsen, C.R. (1974). Teaching and Discipline: Behavior Principles Toward a Positive Approach. Allyn & Bacon: Boston.

Stuart, R.B. (1971). Assessment and Change of the Communication Patterns of Juvenile Delinquents and Their Parents. in Advances of Behavior Therapy. Academic Press: New York.

White, M.A. (1975). Natural Rates of Teacher Approval and Disapproval in the Classroom. Journal of Applied Behavior Analysis, vol.8, no.4, 367372.

Resources

Lauderdale, W.M. The Wellspring Method, a problem solving CD/DVD program for creating change and other resources available at www.shrinkinabox.com.

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Documents

People · Part 1 The Key To Understanding Difficult People In this section, I’m going to show you how difficult people are able to cause the problems that they do and why they are