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Such a Pretty Face

Icome by addictions quite honestly. I wasa sick baby, born to a young mother whowas grieving the death of her mother.

Mom would cry with me until she could nolonger bear the competition. In desperation,she cut cheesecloth into small squares, placeda sweet and a pat of fat in the center, thentwisted and tied the small package. Sugar tits,she called them. If I were especially colicky,she added a step, dipping the rough-textured,but soft package, in alcohol. I learned to besoothed by this concoction and its delivery.Addictions assured.

When Mom was angry with me, she with-held sweets. Once when I was punished, I of-fered her a nickel to allow me a piece ofdessert. I remember her laughing, but thenletting the transaction proceed. From thenon, I would buy her favor with either moneyor obedience…until I started to steal from her.My thievery involved a glass dome bank inthe back of the linen closet. Mom stuffedwhatever bills she could save from the house-hold budget into that glass bank. I jimmiedthe bills out with a knife. I never spent themoney; I took my booty to Sunday school.When no one was looking, I would deposit

it in the little church-shaped bank in thevestibule, whispering, “Please God, makeMom love me.”

Sugar, flour, alcohol, painkillers, anxiety,love, abandonment, and self-delusion all con-spired to make me fat. I struggled with beingbig, or as my Belgian grandmother said,grand, throughout my childhood, teenage,and adult years.

When my own daughter was in highschool, I was proud of how pretty and nor-mal-sized she was and I enrolled her in mod-eling school. Being somewhat of aninternational bohemian, she was appalledand hated it. (“This is the lamest thing youhave ever done to me.”) But I made her stickto the course.

At her “graduation,” two modeling agentsapproached me. My daughter was visibly re-lieved when the agents said they were lookingfor attractive, middle-aged overweightwomen. I wasn't flattered by the classification“large-sized model,” but was intrigued enoughto sign a contract. In describing this new roleto my friends, I said “Hey! I’m forty-two, havecrow’s feet, sagging body parts, big hips, andI’m a model. Is this a great country, or what?”

connection 1

October 2011 connection 3

I made decent money for what was apart-time hobby and modeled lovely high-end merchandise for Bloomingdales,Neiman Marcus, and small boutiquebrands, for runway, print, and television.However, there was never a moment inwhich I would have chosen this “glamour”over having a normal-sized body.

Once when I was on a Boston TV talkshow, the headline guest was a famous actressfrom a popular sitcom. In the hallway adja-cent to the sound stu-dio, I had twominutes to change.As I scurried by her, Iheard her sneer, “DearGod! How could youlet yourself go likethat?” I have since hated her for stealing myconfidence at that moment. The truth wasthat I didn’t “let myself go.” I can’t rememberany time in my life when I felt good about myweight.

Encouraged to GainSeveral years later, my agent told me she

could get me the cover of Big BeautifulWomen Magazine if I could get my weightover three hundred pounds. The insanity ofthe request did not escape me. In response, Iasked her if she could, the following month,grab me the cover of Morticians Today orOversized Caskets Journal. I did not want to

abuse or kid myself any longer. I was a pretty,miserable woman.

Still, I could not lose the weight. I triedAtkins, Pritikin, Weight Watchers, DietCenter, Nutris ystem, Jenny Craig, the sourcitrus diet, the gassy leafy vegetable soup diet,Ayds candies, Metrical, Oprah’s Optifast,four different stays at Duke Diet and Fitness,and some repulsive cow regurgitation pro-tein diet that put me into ketosis. I had B-12shots, and stopped taking estrogen. I exer-

cised, joined gyms,lifted weights, andhired a personaltrainer. I always lostweight, but then Iwould gain it back,and then some.

I spent close to $60,000 trying to controlmy weight during just the 1990s. By 2001, Ihad reached 280 pounds. Soon after the ter-rorist attacks, I was driving on the MaineTurnpike and became faint, clammy, and sickto my stomach. I quickly pulled off the high-way. I think I was unconscious for a few min-utes. When I came to, I fished in my purse forsome medication or a pill that would magi-cally help me. All I could find was a sweet thathad come with my latest restaurant bill. Ipopped it into my mouth while I kept look-ing for medicine. Within thirty seconds, I feltfine. Fine, except for that horrible momentof clarity when I realized, I must be diabetic.

“Oh, brother!”I drove straight to my doctor’s office. Tests

the next day confirmed blood glucose of 256.Diabetes. That explained why I had lost thirtypounds in less than a month without diet-ing—another hallmark of the onset of dia-betes. Over the next six years, my weightfluctuated wildly, but the new set pointseemed to be 230 pounds. Itwould never budge belowthat.

At the beginning of 2008,I noticed how well my writ-ing coach’s weight loss wasprogressing. She had talkedwith me several times aboutthe Twelve-Step programshe was following, but itsounded too rigid for me.Frankly, I thought it was thediet world equivalent ofboot camp. However, a fearof a mini-stroke pushed meover the line.

Losing in Boot CampI finally agreed to give up sugar, adhere

to quantity guidelines, and give up flour.Since I have been following this path, inspite of a life-altering accident and five diffi-cult surgeries, I have lost another 40pounds. I am no longer obese. The weightis shaving off slowly now, but it is going. My

knees don’t hurt. My cholesterol and dia-betes numbers are under control. I have awaist. I have a bust. I have hips. For decades,I was a walking sack of potatoes, but now Ilook like a woman.

In the FA program, I have found I am notalone in this disease. It is not only okay, butencouraged, to ask for help. The support of

the group is one of the mostgratifying gifts of this life. Ialways believed in God, butmy relationship with myHigher Power, who is al-ways available to me, ismuch stronger than ever be-fore. There is clarity in mydecision-making that wasrarely there before. Honestyhas more breadth and depthin my life. Thievery andcheating of any type are nolonger among my characterflaws.

Intellectually, I know I amalmost right-sized. Emotionally, on occa-sions when I still feel like that fat girl with apretty face, I take extra quiet time, call an FAcompatriot, and/or get myself to a meeting.I know the Program works if I work it. Firstand foremost, I have to guard my abstinenceso there is room for all of God’s blessings inmy life.

Sibyl M., Maine

2

I was a pretty,

miserable woman.

MEREDITH M., PA

might actually grow up, respect herself,and be respected by others.

I wanted recovery, but it wasn’t alwayseasy. I was told to read a page of the AABig Book every day, so I read chapters. Imade a lot of phone calls. I actually tookmy sponsor’s suggestions. The biggest giftfor me was that I finally followed my foodthoughts through. I definitively knewwhere that first bite of non-abstinentfood would lead me.

No matter how bad things felt at themoment (and during that first 90 days

there were times when they felt reallybad), I did not want to go back to that oldlife of bingeing until I couldn’t move andpurging in fast-food bathrooms. I did notwant to miss one more moment of mydaughter’s life and I didn’t want to lose mymarriage. But most of all, I wanted whatthe promises promised: A sane, happy,useful life. And that’s exactly what I havetoday.

Ellen W., MA

connection 5October 20114

First 90 Days

Q

Ihad been around a program for peo-ple with food compulsions for a fewyears, and for a while could practice

binge maintenance. I was essentially eat-ing what I wanted for a couple of days andgetting “abstinent” again (under eating,really) whileo v e r - e xe r -cising. Asthis becamemore andmore diffi-cult, I be-came moredesperate. Itwas in-e v i t a b l ethat with-out a realsolution, I would start vomiting again.That part of my disease had progressedtremendously.

I had heard about people working theFA program but did not feel that I wasbad enough to have to do that. When theday came that I realized I was that bad, Iwas bitter and depressed. I was not happy

to finally surrender to this program. I satin the back of the rooms with my armsfolded and hated everyone, especially my-self. Thirty days. I was going to give thisprogram a real shot for only 30 days. If Ididn't feel better after that time, I was

going toadmit my-self to at r e a t m e n tcenter inFlorida.

Thank-fully I neverhad tomake thedecision toleave myh u s b a n d

and three-year-old daughter and travel1,000 miles to get better. My new lifewithout harming (killing) myself withfood began immediately, here where Ilive, with my family.

After just two weeks, I felt a lot better,and by 30 days I saw so much hope. I re-alized that this forever-immature girl

A Remedy Close to Home

I was told to read a page

of the AA Big Book

every day.

Twelve Steps

T

1. We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to food addicts and to practice these principles in all our a�airs.

Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous

THEA C., NY

connection 7October 20116

talking to fellows on the phone constantlyabout it (I needed a lot of help to let go).

At one point during one of the many con-versations I had that night in my mother’sliving room chair, Irealized that I wasalone in the housewith the salad bowlsitting in the hallway.There had not beenone single trick-or-treater, so the bowlwas full. And al-though I was un-c o m f o r t a b l e ,sobbing a lot of thetime, obsessingabout this crazy guy,I had not put myhand in that bowland reached for any-thing. In fact, I hadnot even thoughtabout the bowl. In-stead, I was using thetools of my programto get through. I wasasking God for help,being honest withmy fellows, and tak-ing the right action, despite my feelings. (Iwill spare you the details of the followingseven months during which I went back—and went back again—to that boyfriend

until I finally surrendered). I had not noticed the full bowl until I

began talking with a fellow about my grati-tude for abstinence. In that moment, I real-

ized that despite howslowly my mentaland spiritual recov-ery was progressing, Iwas alone with thebowl and had notturned to the foodfor relief. I had agood laugh with myfriend and went tobed. That was theend of Halloween1995, and one moreabstinent day.

Today I no longerassociate Halloweenwith food. This year,my husband and Iwill go to a partywith our two chil-dren, who adore get-ting dressed up andvisiting decoratedhouses. That crazyboyfriend is longgone, thank you

God, and the joy of my life in recovery is somuch better than the food ever was. I am sograteful to no longer be alone with the bowl.

Joanna A., MD

When I was a kid, Halloweenwas one of the greatest op-portunities for a binge. My

mother always got Halloween treats tohand out to children in the neighborhoodthat nobody in my family particularly liked,so that my sisters and I would not binge onour own stash.

Every year she putthe candy in the samehuge brown woodensalad bowl (I can stillpicture it). And everyyear I remember eat-ing all of the candy Icollected in a pillow-case after walkingaround the neigh-borhood for hours on end.

Immediately upon arriving home, I wouldstart with my favorites, and then eventuallyresort to the things I did not like butcouldn’t help eating. After that, I alwaysheaded for the treats that were left over inthe bottom of the salad bowl. I still remem-ber the nauseated, stuffed feeling I had everyyear, and the bafflement as to why I ate somuch of what I didn’t even like.

As I got older, the Halloween traditioncontinued. But instead of trick or treating,

I spent a lot of time in stores buying all ofmy favorite items in bulk and on sale. At thatpoint, my disease of food addiction had pro-gressed until I was “mainlining” my drug andbuying only my favorites—sweets with suchhigh sugar content that they stung mymouth and made me feel sick. I ate themanyway and bought as much as I could.

Sometimes I think Istole it.

But the clearestmemory I have ofHalloween is my sec-ond year of absti-nence. I came intothe program in Julyof 1993, 145 poundsoverweight. The fol-

lowing September, I had lost more than 100pounds and had the clarity and sanity toleave a crazy relationship with a guy I hadbeen living with for about two years. Imoved back in with my mother.

On Halloween that year, my mother wasout at a party and I was alone in the house.That year, for whatever reason, she hadbought the good stuff that I actually likedin the past. The break-up and resultingmove I had just been through were particu-larly traumatic, and I was crying a lot and

Halloween Fright

I would start with my favorites,

and then eventually resort

to the things I did not like

but couldn’t help eating.

There had not been

one single trick-or-treater,

so the bowl was full.

AMY S., CA

connectionOctober 20118 9

In the past, when I felt low about mymarriage and my husband, I would feelthat he was not making enough fussabout me. I would have angry outburstsat him and then wait until he went towork andthe chil-dren werein bed toget drunkand have abinge onloads ofs u g a r ytreats toc o m f o r tmyself. Thep r o b l e mwas that Iwas hurt-ing myself.Today I amable to ar-ticulate myneeds in al o v i n g ,honest, andclean way,w i t h o u tblame. The bonus is that I don’t want toabuse myself with food or drink.

The reality now is that I have a mar-riage from heaven that nearly ended indivorce before Program. I spent a lot of

time resenting my husband and focusingon the negatives of what I did not have,as opposed to today, when I focus on thewonderful things we do have. I also havea great relationship with my three sons. I

am sad tosay that Ia c t u a l l ylashed outat themp hy s i c a l l yat times,even whenthey wereteenagers.

On my51st birth-day lastmonth, myy o u n g e s tson wrotethat I wasan amazingrole modeland that hewas proudof me. Howwonder f ulis that!

Thanks to working the Steps and makingamends, being stable and consistent on adaily basis, I am able to be a lovingmother.

Sandra C., England

Ihave been in FA for almost nineyears. I come from the madness of20 years of either overeating, bu-

limia, or controlled eating, and I had hadenough.

It was suggestedthat I go to AA,which was a bit of ajoke, as I only dranka bit in the eveningsand got a bit drunkat parties. Amaz-ingly, I was open toit, as I realized thatdeep down I had is-sues with alcohol.But I soon realizedthat it was food thatwas my problem. Iwas encouraged togo to OvereatersAnonymous, but could not managethere without strict boundaries aroundfood.

During that time, I experienced moreups and downs than I could imagine. Ithought that when I stopped eating ad-dictively, embraced this program, anddid God's will instead of my own, then allwould be well. How could it not? Surely,

being honest, open, loving, and respect-ful to myself and others would automat-ically qualify me for all the good things Ideserved.

FA was eventually suggested to me asa last resort. WhenI went to my firstmeeting, I knew in-stantly that it wasfor me.

Interestingly, Inow realize that allI really needed todo was to live oneday at a time. A lotof my emotionalpain has been be-cause I am eithersad about yester-day or worr yingabout tomorrow.

Before I came into Program, I worried somuch about being overweight that it justconsumed me, even though I was nevermore than 30 pounds in excess of what Ishould be. I seemed to worr y abouteverything, from not being good enoughas a mother/person, not being slimenough, and not being bright enough.The list went on.

From Worry to Gratitude

On my 51st birthday

last month,

my youngest son

wrote that I was

an amazing role model

and that he was

proud of me.

THEA C., NY

10 11connection

Being 50 pounds overweight was ahuge part of the reason I felt likeI didn’t fit in, but I found out, after

joining FA, that it wasn’t the only reason.What I knownow is that Ihad the dis-ease of fear,doubt, and in-security, andno matterwhat I did orsaid, I just feltlike I wasdumb andwrong aboute v e r y t h i n g .Nothing Isaid or didwas worth-while orenough. InFA I foundout that thisway of think-ing is extreme self-centered fear—think-ing nothing of myself, but thinking aboutmyself all the time.

If I dared to show up to a social event, Iwas positive that everyone had me under

a microscope and was analyzing my body,my words, and my every breath. I eventhought that people could read my mind!I was so critical and judgmental of others

because ofhow poorly Ithought ofmyself.

I just felt soout of controlwith the food,and I hatedmyself for notbeing able tolose weight oreat normally.If there was nofood or alco-hol at an eventthat I was(rarely) in-vited to, then Iwould not go.It was too un-comfor table

to interact with others without a sub-stance to prompt conversation.

I didn’t even realize how socially inept Iwas until I got abstinent, and my sponsorsuggested getting to meetings early and

A Social Misfit

October 2011

staying late…just for fellowship. I did this,but I fumbled and bumbled over mywords constantly and felt sick to my stom-ach.

Although I was finally losing the weightfor the first time in mylife, my personalityhad been so thwartedby the food that Ididn’t know who Iwas, what I liked, orwhat I had to offer toany conversation. Ihad to be spoon-fed“starter” conversa-tions, and it actually worked. It was sug-gested to me to ask others aboutthemselves rather than think I just had totalk about myself. For me, it was better topractice asking and listening vs. talkingabout myself. In thepast, I would be so un-comfortable that Iwould just start tellingpeople my whole lifestory (unwanted de-tails included) andfeel so awkward after-ward because I had just bared my soul tocomplete strangers. (I went on a lot of firstdates in recovery, due to my lack of tact.)

FA has taught me how to weigh andmeasure my conversations. I think part ofmy inappropriateness came from thinking

that this was the first and only conversa-tion I would be able to have with the per-son, and also partly because I wasuncomfortable with silence. I thoughtthat if I talked enough, they wouldn’t

think about my thighsand rear end. Warpedthinking!

FA has taught mehow to be confidentand use God as myprotection and bufferas I enter life withoutthe food. I have beenon my knees on many

occasions before and during social events,asking God to take away the negativityand to speak through my heart.

The times when I used to eat have beenreplaced with healthy, fulfilling conversa-

tions (including eyecontact)! It’s beenmore than 14 yearsnow that I have beenabstinent and practic-ing my social skills. Ino longer have thefear or hesitation

when I am invited to events, because Ithink about how I can be of service, and Ilook forward to getting to know others. Ialso feel like I have my heart and soul tooffer….flaws and all.

Heidi V., CA

TIFFANY P., CA

It was suggested

to ask others

about themselves.

It was too uncomfortable

to interact with others

without a substance

to prompt conversation.

connection 1312 October 2011

September

Ialways loved school. I loved learn-ing, and shopping for all the newschool clothes. But I hated having

to buy clothes in sizes that were biggerthan last year. WhenI became ateacher, itwas very de-pressing try-ing to findanything towear becauseI continued to getbigger and bigger. It wasthe perfect month to “starta new diet”—a fresh schoolyear and a fresh start at myattempt to lose weight.

October Halloween is the first of the year’s events thatI think of as the food addict’s “trifecta,” a termused in horseracing in which a bettor wins byselecting the first three finishers of a race inthe correct order of finish.

Halloween has always been a favorite holi-day for me, not only because of the sweets. Ilove disguises and costumes, but I couldnever fit into any of the good-looking cos-

tumes I wanted to wear. I’d buy the bags of stuff for the “trick-or-

treaters,” even though we never had many.I always had to buy more and more bags toreplace what I ate, many weeks before Oc-

tober 31 actually arrived. Icould nothave simplyone type oftreat to giveout; I had tobuy at least

four different bagsto have a good “mix,”for those non-exis-tent trick-or-treaters.

NovemberThanksgiving is tri-

fecta #2. Another perfect time for a food ad-dict to practice his or her addiction. Aftereating all the junk in October, I’d had it. NowI was really going to diet! Everyone else couldstuff themselves silly—I was smarter thanthey were. This is when I’d really begin restrict-ing, but it was all a sad attempt to permit my-self to pig out on Thanksgiving Day.

I also spent a lot of energy planning what Iwas going to wear when I went back to visit

The “Trifecta” of Foodthe family I hadn’t seen in at least a year. Ishopped with money I didn’t have, and oftenbought things I would only wear once, if atall, dreaming about how great I would look.I had to impress the family, because the firstthing my mom would do when I walked inthe door was remark onhow thin or heavy I was.I felt a lot of pressure to“impress” the otherfood addicts in my fam-ily. It always ended indisaster.

On ThanksgivingDay, I’d starve myself all morning and by 1p.m., throw in the towel. After everyone hadseen me, I didn’t care anymore, and I’d eatwhatever I wanted anyway, justifying thebinge with thoughts of,It’s only one day. I’ll eat lesstomorrow. No wonderwe refer to Thanksgiv-ing in FA by its othergiven name—Thursday.It was just another hum-drum day in my worldof dream diets thatnever came true.

DecemberTrifecta #3. By this time, the self-hatred wasin full effect. My husband worked for largecorporations and there were often lavishcompany parties. The pressure I felt to be

“arm-candy” was immense, although all in mymind. After blowing my fantasy diets in Oc-tober and November, now was the time to re-ally get serious. I would lament about howgreat I could look in a gorgeous little dress, ifonly I could lose the weight. I fantasized

about my husbandbeing so proud to haveme on his arm. (It nevercame true until afterFA.)

On party night, Iwould end up lookinglike a stuffed sausage

with too much eye shadow. And once we gotto the event, a good food addict like mecould not resist the spread! It was my favoritekind of food— free. I always felt like I had to

get my money’s worth,even though it didn’tcost us a dime. I couldnever pass up free food.I never lived up to myown expectations.

JanuaryAfter stuffing myself

on all three holidays, despite my best inten-tions, I would now feel thoroughly dis-gusted with myself. I watched theinfomercials and read all the “diet porn” inthe checkout aisle, wondering, Why couldn’tthat be me? Once again, my self-disgustwould drive me to restrict my food intake,

MEREDITH M., PA

On Thanksgiving Day,

I’d starve myself

all morning and by 1 p.m.,

throw in the towel.

I’d buy the bags of stuff for

the “trick-or-treaters,” even

though we never had many.

connection14 15October 2011

No Matter What

T

Swimming Against the Stream

One of my good college friendshad a bachelorette weekend inCalifornia when I was two

years into Program. Little did I know thatit would be an illegal drug and smokingfest. And I hadn’t guessed that this wouldbe the weekend when some of my friendsthought it would begood to confront meabout my “problem”with food (i.e., their“concern” for mebeing in Program).Little did they knowthat this program wassaving my life. BeforeFA, I was 165pounds, exercising for more than threehours a day, and wasn’t losing weight. I hadtried many free diets because I was too fi-nancially insecure to pay for anything.When I was in college, whenever I wasnumb, bored, or overwhelmed, I wouldsit and read with my hand in a bag andstuff my mouth, not even knowing howmuch I had consumed until there wasnothing else for me to grab. Time for anew bag! I am disgusted at remembering

how many crumbs fell onto my bed andinto my sheets when I studied in myroom.

Before FA, I would have caved intoeverything the girls were doing over thatweekend and would have eaten everythingin sight. I would have been stopping at the

hotel lobby store andconvenience store tobuy things to “holdme over” until thenext meal.

When I went onthat bacheloretteweekend, I weighed125 pounds. Ibrought all my food

and set boundaries around my mealtimes,even though the others would eat lunchin the middle of the afternoon and dinnerwhen it was my bedtime. I was the misfit,going against everything the rest of thisgroup of 15 girls was doing. I felt I was onan altogether different trip than theywere. How in the world did I not eat?Only God can answer.

The wine tasting was a different experi-ence for me as I listened intently to the in-

I was the misfit,

going against everything

the rest of this group

of 15 girls was doing.

but it could never last. My weight ulti-mately went up seven pounds per year forfive years.

The holidays now…I am happy to report that I have stepped offthe holiday diet merry-go-round of self- ha-tred. I stepped into the rooms of FA in Feb-ruary of 2007 and all my fantasies aboutweight loss actually came true. My weightmelted off in eight months. I went from205 pounds in February to 132 pounds inOctober.

Now, at Halloween,I no longer start buy-ing the bags of sugaritems in Septemberand eat them for thetwo months leadingup to Halloween. I wasable to wear a witchcostume from Target,size small, whichmatched my three-year-old daughter’s cos-tume. I also have a Star Trek dress I’m quitefond of, knee-high boots and all. I can’t waitfor Halloween because it’s no longer aboutthe sugar and self-hatred. Now, it’s aboutdressing up with my kids. I hope I am mak-ing great memories for them.

Now Thanksgiving is really about givingthanks. Some of my favorite things about thisholiday are the thank-a-thons that FA hostson Thanksgiving Day. A wise woman once

said that when you are going to face family,food, and alcohol together, it’s a great day fora meeting! It is so helpful to attend a meetingwith other food addicts on a day with somuch expectation involved.

I have learned that I’m not the only onewho sometimes dreads seeing my family. I amalso happy to report that I no longer fret overmy appearance. My husband no longerworks for a company with lavish holiday par-ties, but if he did, I would be able to wearwhatever I wanted. The funny thing is, mylooks are not my focus anymore. I enjoy mak-

ing the holidays specialfor my children anddoing service for elderlyfamily members.

And January? Nomore diet porn for me,thank you! When Ilook at all those maga-zines in the checkoutaisle, I am so grateful to

be off the merry-go-round of insanity. Idon't have to “lose the holiday pounds.” Bycontinuing to work my tools daily, one dayat a time, my weight stays consistent.

My holidays have transformed from a timefilled with unmet expectations and self-ha-tred to a time of quiet, joyful appreciation andgratitude. By working my program each dayto the best of my ability, I am able to keep thegift that has so freely been given to me.

Robin W., VA

On party night,

I would end up looking like

a stuffed sausage with

too much eye shadow.

October 2011 connection 1716

Every Wednesday Itook the train fromwork directly to my illus-

trating class at a prestigious artschool. (The fact that I signed up forthe class was totally God.) I ate myweighed and measured dinner in the com-mon area, which had tables and chairs, anopen area for displaying various student artprojects, and a ping-pong table.

Often there would be students playingping pong. And just as often, the ball wouldbounce on the tables near me or under mytable. I was rather uncomfortable with this, asit conjured up the idea that I might have tointeract with the players, not to mention thefact that I thought it might knock over mywater or land in my food.

One evening, as I was eating my meal andreading the funnies in the newspaper, a ball

bounced on my table and came dangerouslyclose to bouncing into my food. As the ping-pong ball bounced on my table for the sec-ond time that evening, I asked God for help,smiled, and said to the players “I’d betterwatch out, or I’m going to have ______à laping-pong ball!”

Amazing. Thank you, thank you, God.Such freedom, such joy for me to be able tomake a joke related to food. A miracle! Thiswas a true sign of my growth and recovery.I’m smiling again thinking of it.

Mara W., MA

Lighten Up!

N

ANNA B., PA

Dining Courtside

Twelve Traditions

F

1. Our common welfare should come �rst; personal recovery depends on FA unity. 2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority – a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.

3. The only requirement for FA membership is a desire to stop eating addictively.

4. Each group should be autonomous except in matters a�ecting other groups or FA as a whole.

5. Each group has but one primary purpose – to carry its message to the food addict who still su�ers.

6. An FA group ought never endorse, �nance or lend the FA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose. 7. Every FA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

8. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers. 9. FA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

10. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues, hence the FA name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and �lms.

12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous

formation about how wine was made,while the rest of the girls just wanted toget drunk. My quiet time was intense, asI wanted nothing more than to make itthrough that weekend abstinently. Icalled fellows, people who I have allowedto really get to know me. I left detailedmessages for people at all hours of thenight when we were out at the bars. Iworked with my sponsor to know whatthe balance was between taking care ofmyself and showing up for my friend. Iwent into the bathroom of the restau-rants where I ordered tea while everyonehad their five-course meals. I asked forhelp to just be light and present and keepmy eyes on my own plate (or in this case…my teacup).

Now, several years later, I have been in-vited to another bachelorette weekend. Iwill bring my weighed and measuredmeals, my books, and my cell phone. Iwill make many outreach calls, callingpeople in different time zones.

I have tasted the sweetness that livingan abstinent life has brought me, so muchmore delicious than any food item everbrought me in the past. The fullness ofthis new life helps me see that I want tocontinue to go to any lengths not to takethat bite, knowing that today I am full ofGod, gratitude, and hope.

Hilary J., CO