MY DIVORCED SISTER

"Pilot"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2014

My Divorced Sister

Half hour multi-camera sitcom

Characters:

Gina - 32, attractive, thin, LA trophy wife, likable butmaterialistic (picture someone like Anna Faris, BrookeBurke, or Khourtney Kardashian)

Rebecca - 33, attractive, jealous, intelligent, workingclass, uptight, somewhat difficult (picture someone likeKatherine Heigl)

Rob - 28, very sociable, fun, still acts a lot like afratboy despite the fact that he works full time and ismarried with 2 kids (picture someone like a younger DavidArquette or Will Ferrell)

Susan (mother of Gina, Rebecca, and Rob) - 57, supportive,practical, take charge type, widow, lives alone (picturesomeone like a younger Valerie Harper, Mary Tyler Moore, orDoris Roberts)

Jane (mother of Susan) - 78, fun, outgoing, youthful and hipfor her age (picture someone like Florence Henderson orBetty White)

Setting: Los Angeles

EXT. HOME - AFTERNOON

GINA (32, attractive, thin) is parking her Mercedes on thestreet outside of a small home in LA. She gets out, andwalks to the door. As she does, REBECCA (33,attractive) parks across the street in a Honda. Gina ringsthe doorbell. Rebecca notices her as she makes her way tothe house.

REBECCAGina?

Gina turns and sees Rebecca.

GINARebecca. What are you doing here?

REBECCAI. I just need to talk to mom aboutsomething.

The door opens to reveal their mother SUSAN (57).

2.

SUSANGirls. Come in. And for goodnesssake, Gina--eat something. You lookstarved, as usual.

INT. HOME - DAY

GINAHi mom.

Gina hugs Susan. Rebecca then follows and also hugs Susan.

SUSANWhat brings you two here?

GINAWell, I...

Rebecca cuts her off.

REBECCAYou said Gina looks starved.

SUSANRight.

REBECCADoes that mean you think I lookfat?

SUSANWhat? No.

REBECCABut you didnt say I lookedstarved. You didnt tell me to eatsomething. You think Im fat.

SUSAN... OK. Rebecca--you also lookstarved. Eat something. Eat morethan Gina. OK?

(to both of them)So what brings the two of you here?

GINAWell. Um. I dont know whyRebeccas here. I mean, we bothcame here separately. But, um. Ihave something I need to tell you.

(turns to Rebecca)

(MORE)

3.

GINA (contd)And you. You see. The thing is.Well. I just. Im... getting adivorce.

SUSANWhat? Oh, dear.

Susan hugs Gina.

SUSANIm so sorry.

Meanwhile, Rebecca is looking at Gina with an ice coldexpression. Seconds later, Gina notices her. They look ateach other for a few seconds.

GINA(annoyed, curious)

What?

REBECCAI came here to tell mom thatIm getting a divorce!

GINAWhat? What do you mean?

REBECCAWhat do you mean "what do I mean?"Me and Tom. We just broke up.

GINABut me and John just broke up.

REBECCAYeah! I know! I heard! Ughh! Thisis so typical of you. You justhad to announce a divorce rightbefore I announced my divorce.Because all the attention alwayshas to be on you--doesnt it?

GINAAre you out of your mind?

REBECCAYoure always trying to steal myspotlight. Always! Like how comeyou keep on throwing your lavishbirthday parties a week after mybirthday parties?

4.

GINAI dont know. Probably because Iwas born one week after you.

REBECCAYou get my point. Why couldnt youbreak up with John a year ago, or ayear from now?!

GINAMom--shes crazy! Are you gonna saysomething?

SUSAN.... I... have some lasagna in theoven. Im gonna go take a look atit.

GINAMom!

SUSANListen. Girls. You know. Uh. Youknow. Youre both great girls. AndIm sure

(looks at Gina)your divorce and

(looks at Rebecca)your divorce--both of yourdivorces--are um... give me asecond here to think this onethrough. You kind of ambushed me.Um... Who wants lasagna?

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

Susan puts a plate of meatloaf on a kitchen table where Ginaand Rebecca are seated.

SUSANI wouldve made more--but I didntknow the two of you would drop byto announce your divorces. Nexttime call first.

GINAMom--this is ridiculous. Why are weeating lasagna?

SUSANWhats wrong with my lasagna?

5.

GINANothing.

SUSANHoney. Are you doing that low carbthing again?

GINANo. Im doing that divorcething. Remember? Shouldnt me andRebecca be trashing John and Tomright now?

SUSANYouve been trashing your husbandsfor the past year, and youll haveplenty of time to trash them later.Right now, lets just eat somecarbs, and maybe figure out whereyou two are gonna live.

REBECCAWell. Ginas rich--so who careswhere shes gonna live. As for me,I was hoping to stay here for thetime being.

GINAUm. That part about me you saidearlier. "Ginas rich." That mightnot be 100% accurate.

REBECCAHow accurate is it?

GINAWell. Lets just say that its100% inaccurate. Does that give youan idea of how accurate it is?

REBECCAWhat are you talking about? Youjust left your penthouse, and drovehere in a Mercedes while wearingyour Manolo Blahnik heels.

GINAWell. Let me put it this way. Mymarriage has taught me a lotabout... economics. Like, um, Ilearned that if your husband isntearning lots of money while the twoof you are spending lots of money

(MORE)

6.

GINA (contd)so you can let everyone know thatyou have lots of money, then thatmeans two years later, you wonthave enough money to pay the renton your penthouse, or the lease onyour Mercedes, or the lease on yourtoaster.

SUSANBut the Dodgers gave John a $7million contract. He should be ableto afford a toaster lease.

GINAWell. Our toaster isnt cheap. Itsa four slicer, handmade in Italy.And, um, I know you dont followsports, mom--but John was cut bythe Dodgers two years ago. And now,economically speaking, we have$53,000 in credit card debt, andour main assets are my left shoeand my right shoe. And I get halfof everything--which means my leftshoe.

REBECCAWell--its a really nice shoe. Iguess nows a bad time to ask youfor a loan.

GINAWell. I can loan you my Mercedesbetween now and the time I have toreturn it to the dealership.

REBECCAAnd when do you have to return it?

GINAUh--yesterday at 4 oclock. Yeah. Iwas supposed to return ityesterday. At 4 clock. They calledme yesterday. At 4 oclock. And 5oclock. And most of of the otheroclocks. And then they had thenerve to call me again today atmultiple oclocks. It was reallyrude.

7.

REBECCAWell, tomorrow theyll stopcalling.

GINAGood.

REBECCAAnd theyll send over a repo guy.

GINANot good.

REBECCAWell. It might be good. I mean,maybe youll hit it off with therepo guy, and hell become yoursecond ex-husband.

GINAYeah. Maybe. And then in like fiveyears, Ill announce our divorceright before you announce yournext divorce. Because apparently,Im always looking to steal yourspotlight. Isnt that right, mom?

SUSANUm. I have some lasagna in theoven--and Im gonna take a look atit.

GINAMom--were eating the lasagna inthe oven. Its out of the oven, andon our plates.

SUSANWell then eat it!

Gina cuts off a piece and eats it.

GINAIts good. Good lasagna. It tastesvery high in carbs, just the way Ilike it.

SUSANListen, girls. You can both stayhere for as long as you want. Butuh, its just me and my bedroom,one bathroom, two cats, onetoaster. A two slicer. I have a

(MORE)

8.

SUSAN (contd)better idea. How about you moveinto the condo on Oak Street? Mytenant just moved out two days ago.

REBECCABut you need the rent money. And Icant even pay my half of it rightnow. And as youre well aware, mysister has one left shoe, $53,000in credit card debt, and 2 centsworth of job skills.

SUSANDont worry about rent money rightnow. Listen. Theres a vacant,semi-furnished place one mile fromhere.

(Looks at Gina)I think you should live there.

(Looks at Rebecca)And I think you should live there.The two of you. Together. You maynot realize it right now, but itsjust what you need. I think so. Andyour father, God rest his soul,would think the same thing. OK?Lets go.

REBECCAWhat? Now?

SUSANAbsolutely now. Youll get there,youll move in. You wont mope.Moving isnt moping. Moping isntmoving. Why mope when you can move?Move. Dont mope.

GINAMom. We just got here.

SUSANAnd now were moving. Lets go.Move it.

GINAWhat about the lasagna?

SUSANTake it with you.

9.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - AFTERNOON

The three of them park on the street in front of abuilding--Gina in her Mercedes, Rebecca in her Honda, andSusan in her Volkswagen.

INT. APARTMENT UNIT - DAY

The door opens. Gina is holding a plate of lasagna. Heimitates Ricky Ricardo as she says to the empty room:

GINALucy--Im home.

SUSANThis is a beautiful place. You twoare gonna have a lovely time here.

Gina puts the plate of lasagna on a table.

GINAYeah--Im sure we are. Now ifyoull excuse me, Im gonna go lockmyself in the bathroom and chainsmoke for three hours.

SUSANGirls--you got a great place, andnow youre single, and you can haveall the fun you had when you were22 and fresh out of college.

GINAYeah. And as an added bonus, nowIm a decade older, Im asoon-to-be divorcee with no moneyor job skills, and I need to startBotoxing tomorrow at 5 oclock.

GINAYoure a vivacious woman in theprime of your life, and you haveplenty of skills. Isnt that right,Rebecca?

Rebecca looks at Gina.

REBECCAYou need to start Botoxing? Impretty sure you started two yearsago at 5 oclock.

10.

SUSANRebecca!

REBECCAI mean--right, mom. Vivacious,skills, etc. Now if youll excuseme, Im gonna go lock myself in thebathroom and chain smoke for threehours.

GINAYou dont smoke.

REBECCAI started smoking.

GINAWhen?

REBECCAIn five seconds. Give me acigarette.

SUSANRebecca--look at this living room!

REBECCAIm looking, mom. Its great. Nowwhat do you want me to do with it?

SUSANLive in it! Its a living room.

REBECCAMom--Im getting a divorce.

SUSANYoure getting a living room. Andyoure getting rid of Tom. Now youcan have all of the fun you hadwhen you were 22 and fresh out ofcollege!

REBECCAWhere have I heard that before?

SUSANLets look at the bedroom. Its alovely bedroom.

She walks them over to the bedroom. They take a look at it.

11.

GINAWe forgot to bring sheets andblankets and pillows.

SUSANDont worry. Ill bring some over.Its a lovely bedroom.

GINAYeah--but it only has one bed. Youknow what that means, right? Imgetting divorced, Im 32 years old,and I sleep in the same bed as mysister.

REBECCADitto--except Im 33 years old.

SUSANYoure missing the point.

REBECCAWhats the point?

SUSANThe point is, youre single, yourein the prime of your lives, and nowyou can have all of the fun you hadwhen you were 22 and fresh out ofcollege!

Gina takes out a cigarette, lights it, and begins smoking.Susan looks at her.

GINAWhat? I used to smoke a lot when Iwas 22.

REBECCAI wonder what Toms doing rightnow.

GINAI know what Johns doing rightnow. Hes doing his girlfriend.

SUSANIs it the same girlfriend you foundabout last year?

GINAOh no. Not Nicole. Nicole was aslutty college girl. John graduated

(MORE)

12.

GINA (contd)from college girls, and moved on toSarah--a slutty high school girl!

SUSANHigh school?! Youre kidding!

GINAShes 18. Barely. Shes 18 and 27days. 27 days. Not even one month.Not even February in a non leapyear. 27 days. She drives a Jetta,she wears pink bras, she listens toKaty Perry--and Im not allowedwithin a hundred yards of her highschool! Yeah. I had a littlealtercation with her at SouthTorrance High. Im no longerwelcome there.

REBECCAYou had an altercation? Did youpunch her?

GINANo I didnt punch her! I like tothink Im a little more mature thanthat.

REBECCAWell. What mature thing did you do?

GINAI maturely grabbed her water bottleand splashed her in the face.

SUSANListen, honey. If John is runningaround with high school girls,thats just who he is. It hasnothing to do with you. Youre awonderful girl, and youre gonnafind a wonderful guy.

REBECCAYeah. A wonderful repo guy.

SUSANA wonderful guy. Probably not arepo guy. Or a baseball player.Stay away from those.

(turns to Rebecca)OK. Your turn. Why are youdivorcing Tom?

13.

REBECCAWell. For starters, hes sleepingwith a 17 year old girl.

GINAWhat?!

REBECCAIm kidding. I just wanted to stealyour spotlight for asecond. Anyways, heres Tom. Youknow Tom, right? This sums up mostof him. Beer. Sports. Couch. Hesits on the couch, watches sports,and drinks beer. And then heexpects us to have sex. And wedont. And hes all like, "Whyarent we having sex? After all, Ispent all day sitting on the sofadrinking beer and watchingsports." ... He knows nothing aboutme. He doesnt know that myfavorite movie is The PrincessDiaries, or that Im taking a yogaclass, or that I lost five poundsjust to get him to notice me. Andhe doesnt know that I had anaffair. Yeah. I did. With a guy whoturned out to not really be muchbetter than Tom. But you know what?Theres a sea. There are fish.There are fish in the sea. Plentyof them. Im gonna go fishing.Toms gonna go golfing. I fish. Hegolfs. I dont know what the hellIm taking about right now!

SUSANSure you do, honey. He golfs, youfish.

REBECCAYes. Exactly, You get it.

SUSANListen. Im gonna go back to myhouse and pick up some blankets andstuff. You two take your suitcasesout of your cars, and just unpack,and hang out here. OK?

14.

INT. LIVING ROOM - EARLY EVENING

Rebecca and Gina are blowing on their nails, after havingpainted them.

GINAIm gonna look really good for thatrepo guy. Hes gonna love my nails.

The doorbell rings. Both of them walk to the door, andRebecca opens it to reveal ROB (28).

ROBDont just stand there. Both ofyou--give your little brother a bighug! Lets go.

They all hug.

ROBYou know, I figured Id be thefirst one of us to get divorced.

GINAI guess youre gonna be the lastone.

ROBThis is a sweet crib. How aboutonce a week, I use it as a bachelorpad, and you two hang out with mywife and kids?

GINAUh. Where are your wife and kids?

ROBAt home. Carol thinks Im hangingout with the guys. I didnt tellher about your double divorces.Because I wasnt in the mood tohear her commentary on them.

GINAWell--whats your commentary onthem?

ROBMy commentary is, you two are thebest sisters I could ask for, andyoure great girls, and yourhusbands were lucky to be marriedto you, and youre gonna meet much

(MORE)

15.

ROB (contd)better guys any day now, and Johnis an asshole.

GINAUm...

She takes out her phone, presses a button, and points thephone at Rob to record him.

GINACan you repeat that last part?

ROBJohn is an asshole.

She presses another button.

ROBThanks.

Gina presses another button, and plays back the recording.

ROB (ON PHONE)John is an asshole.

Gina presses the button again.

ROB (ON PHONE)John is an asshole.

REBECCA(to Rob)

Well what about Tom? Isnt he anasshole?

ROBHonestly, I kind of like Tom.

Rebecca looks pissed at Rob.

ROBBut when it comes to your divorce,youre 100% right about everything,and hes 100% wrong.

Rebecca still looks pissed.

ROBAnd I dont really like him thatmuch.

Rebecca still looks pissed.

16.

ROBNow that I think about it, I hatethat son if a bitch. By the way--Ihave plans to play golf with himnext week. Should I cancel them?

Rebecca still looks pissed.

ROBYeah. Ill cancel them. I dontlike Tom.

Rebecca still looks pissed.

ROBAnd I dont like golf. Golf isstupid. Tiger Woods is a loser. Youknow what? Instead of playing golfwith Tom, Im gonna use my 9 ironto beat him over the head.

Rebecca takes out her phone.

REBECCAWhat are you gonna do to Tom?

ROBIm gonna use my 9 iron to beat himover the head.

She presses a button on the phone, and plays back therecording.

ROB (ON PHONE)Im gonna use my 9 iron to beat himover the head.

ROB(to Rebecca)

Make sure the cops dont hear thatduring the murder investigation.

(to Gina and Rebecca)Anyways, I brought some boardgames.

GINAMonopoly? That looks old. Wheredyou get that?

ROBI have a pile of our old stuff atmy house.

17.

REBECCAWe are not gonna play Monopoly.

Moments later, theyre seated at the table, with an openMonopoly box in front of them. Rob gives Gina and Rebeccaside hugs simultaneously.

ROBMe and my sisters. Hanging out.Playing Monopoly. This is awesome.... Sorry about your divorces,though. Let me set everything up.

He shuffles through some of the boxs contents. Gina spotssomething.

GINAWhat is that? Is it... marijuana?

ROBOh yeah. I used to hide mymarijuana in this game.

He rolls a joint, takes out a lighter, and lights the joint.REBECCA

What are you doing? You cant smokethat.

ROBDont worry. I have a prescription.

REBECCAYour prescription isnt for the tenyear old marijuana youre smoking.

ROBCalm down. Its not like the copscheck to see if your marijuanamatches your prescription. Theydont do any carbon datingtests. ... You want some?

REBECCANo!

ROB(to Gina)

And you?

GINANo thanks. I shouldnt take anydrugs. Im probably gonna be

(MORE)

18.

GINA (contd)looking for a job tomorrow. They dodrug tests--dont they?

The doorbell rings.

REBECCAWho could that be?

GINAIts probably the cops. Theyregonna do the carbon dating test.

They walk over to the door, and Gina opens it to reveal JANE(78, looks young for her age).

GINAGrandma!

ROBHi grandma. Welcome to Casa deDivorce.

JANE(to Gina)

Hi honey.

GINAGrandma. What are you doing here?

Jane hugs her.

JANEI heard about you and John.

She looks at Rebecca.

JANEAnd I heard about you and Tom.

She looks at Rob.

JANEWhats that youre smoking?

ROBIts, uh, tobacco.

JANEIt doesnt smell like tobacco.

19.

ROBIts a rare type of tobacco calledmarijuana.

JANERob--Im very disappointed in you.

ROB... You want to take a hit?

JANEOK.

She takes the joint from Rob.REBECCA

Grandma!

JANEDont worry--I have a prescription.

REBECCAWho doesnt have a prescription?

GINAWheres grandpa?

JANEHes asleep. He went to bed at 8.

GINAWell--thats good. He usually goesto bed at 7:30.

JANEYeah. Hes becoming a real wildman. If this trend continues, hellbe into cocaine and hookers by nextWednesday. ... I have a good idea.Lets take a selfie.

She takes out her iPhone.

JANEI just learned how to do this.Agnes taught me.

GINAAgnes? Shes like ten years olderthan you!

20.

JANEBut she knows a lot about computerstuff. She even tried explainingsomething to me about Instagram,but I couldnt figure out what thehell she was talking about.

REBECCAGrandma--youre gonna take apicture of yourself while youreholding a joint?

ROBDont worry. We have twoprescriptions.

Susan opens the door using her key, and sees Jane holding upthe phone in one hand and the joint in the other.

SUSANUm. What did I miss?

JANEWere taking a selfie and smoking adoobie.

ROBThats the first time anyones everused the words selfie anddoobie in the same sentence.

SUSANUm. I should probably close thedoor, before someone sees thedoobie.

REBECCADont worry. We have twoprescriptions.

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Two hours later, its just Rebecca, Gina, and Susan, sittingin front of an almost empty box of pizza and a finishedMonopoly game.

REBECCAI feel fat.

GINAYoure not fat.

21.

REBECCAWell, sitting next to you and yoursize 0 jeans, I feel fat.

Rebecca grabs the third-to-last slice of pizza out of thebox, and takes a bite.

REBECCAAnd now I feel a little bit fatter.

GINAWell--if it makes you feel anybetter, Ive gained three poundsover the last five years.

REBECCAThree pounds in five years? Thatmakes me feel worse. You went fromborderline anorexic to perfect.Youre the skinny girl, and Imyour fat sister.

GINAMom--tell her shes not fat.

SUSANWell. Sitting next to the two ofyou, I feel fat.

REBECCAMom--youre not fat.

GINAYeah mom--youre not fat.

SUSANWell, in that case...

She grabs the second-to-last slice of pizza and takes abite.

REBECCA(to Gina)

You want the last slice?

GINAHell no. I dont want to be fatlike the two of you. ... Imkidding.

She grabs the last slice and takes a bite.

22.

GINANo ones fat.

Susan gets up.

SUSANOK. Im gonna take my fat ass home.Are you two gonna be OK alone?

GINAYeah.

REBECCAYeah.

SUSANWhat are you gonna have forbreakfast tomorrow?

GINACigarettes.

SUSANDont smoke, honey. Come over to myhouse, Ill make you an omelet, andmaybe help you find a job.

GINAA job? Uggh.

She takes out a cigarette, lights it, and takes a puff.

REBECCAMaybe I can get you a job at thenail salon.

Gina just stares at Rebecca, and takes another puff of thecigarette.

SUSANOK. Im gonna go. Have fun, girls.

GINAMom.

SUSANThanks. For everything mom. Theapartment, the lasagna--and just,you.

REBECCAYeah. Especially you. Thanks.

23.

SUSANYoure welcome.

She walks out.

GINA18 years and 27 days.

REBECCASportscenter. Ill bet you heswatching Sportscenter right now. Heprobably doesnt even know Imgone.

(sings the Sportscenter music)Duh duh duh / duh duh duh. Thatson of a bitch.

GINAWhatever. The hell with them.

REBECCAYou know, the good thing aboutliving with you is that now I wonthave to deal with Tom trying tohave sex with me afterSportscenter.

GINAThats the good thing about livingwith me?

REBECCAOh. And you smell much better thanTom. Even with your cigarettes.

GINAThank you so much for thecompliments.

REBECCACome on. No. Im--Im honestlyhappy that youre here with me.

GINAReally?

REBECCAReally.

GINAWell, Im happy youre here withme. ... I gotta stop smoking.

She puts out the cigarette in the pizza box.

24.

GINAWe gotta go shopping. Pick up anash tray, and maybe a TV.

REBECCAAnd some food.

GINAYeah. Food. Do you like Special K?

REBECCASure.

GINAOK. Ill buy a box with one of mycredit cards. Add $4 to the $53,000in debt.

REBECCAWell. Shall we go to bed, Lucy?

GINANow youre Ricky? I thought I wasRicky.

REBECCAWell, Im the one who has to go towork tomorrow. So Im Ricky.

GINARight. Maybe tomorrow, Ill get ajob at a candy factory.

REBECCAOr you can stomp grapes with yourfeet. By the way--after we get theash tray, and TV, and the SpecialK, we need to buy another bed.

GINAYeah. Because Lucy and Ricky sleptin separate beds.

Rebecca gets up.

REBECCAIm gonna go to sleep. Are youcoming?

GINAYeah. I guess I cant hang out hereand watch I Love Lucy on TV. By theway--sorry about your divorce.

25.

REBECCASorry about your divorce.

GINAIts all good. Now we can have allof the fun we had when we were 22and fresh out of college.

Rebecca stares at Gina for a couple of seconds, and thenwalks away.

THE END