Monday, September 29

• Revising Paragraphs

Writing Process Map

Sample # 1: From the Discussion Section of Moreau et al.’s Research Paper

(1) The mechanisms by which HRT and regular aerobic exercise

increase carotid arterial compliance have not been established.

(2) Arterial compliance can be altered over a short time period by

changes in the contractile state of the vascular smooth muscle

cells. (3) In this context, both HRT and habitual exercise increase

nitric oxide availability in the vascular endothelium of conduit

arteries, which would, in turn, reduce expression and release of

the key endothelium-derived constricting factor, ET-1. (4) An

increase in the NO:ET-1 ratio would act to increase the tonic

state of relaxation of vascular smooth muscle cells in the large

elastic arteries, thereby increasing arterial compliance. (5)

Additionally, HRT either via direct central nervous system actions

or via peripheral vasodilation and alterations in baroreflex

stimulation, could lower peripheral sympathetic nerve activity.

(6) This would reduce tonic alpha-adrenergic receptor mediated

contraction of vascular smooth muscle cells and increase carotid

arterial compliance.

Sample #2: From the Discussion Section of Volek et al.’s Research Paper

(1) The significant increase in lean body mass on the carbohydrate-

restricted diet was not expected. (2) Infusions of beta-hydroxybutyrate (the

major ketone in the circulation) have been shown to reduce protein

breakdown during starvation. (3) Young et al. (1971) compared three

isocaloric (1800 kcal per day), isoprotein (115 grams) diets differing in

carbohydrate content (30, 60, and 104 grams) consumed for nine weeks in

obese men. (4) The diet with the lowest amount of carbohydrate (30 grams

per day) was associated with increased ketones, greater fat loss, and

greater nitrogen retention and preservation of lean tissue compared to the

diets with more carbohydrate. (5) The overall effect of elevated ketones on

nitrogen retention must be considered in the context of other stimulatory

(e.g., growth hormone, testosterone, insulin) and inhibitory (e.g., cortisol,

catecholamines) hormones that regulate protein balance. (6) We

hypothesize that elevated beta-hydroxybutyrate concentrations may have

played a minor role in preventing catabolism of lean tissue on the

carbohydrate-restricted diet but other anabolic hormones were likely

involved (e.g., growth hormone).

Diagnostic Questions for Revising Paragraphs

1. To what extent do the paragraph's sentences reflect unity, or "oneness" in topic, message, and purpose (goal)?

2. How effective is the topic sentence (if the paragraph needs one)?

3. How effective is the coherence, or the flow in meaning and logic from sentence to sentence?

4. How effective is the pattern of idea development?

5. To what extent is the structure of successive sentences coordinated when it should be coordinated?

6. To what extent does the structure of successive sentences vary when it should vary?

7. How effectively are successive paragraphs designed (that is, how do they look on the page)?

8. How successively are ideas in paragraphs developed with appropriate support, examples, reasoning, and so on? (This question overlaps with diagnosing content.)

To what extent do the paragraph's sentences reflect unity, or "oneness" in topic, message, and goal?

Steps for Detecting and Diagnosing Unity

1. Do the stopwatch test: After reading a paragraph, time how long it takes to identify 1 central topic, 1 main message, and, 1 rhetorical goal that the sentences contribute to accomplishing. If more than 5 seconds pass, the paragraph likely lacks unity. To diagnose the problem more deeply, ask the following questions.

2. Do the topics of consecutive sentences remain consistent and focused on the paragraph's overall topic, or do the topics change drastically without sufficient warning?

3. Do the messages of consecutive sentences relate logically to one another?

4. Do the purposes of consecutive sentences relate logically to one another and serve the paragraph's overall rhetorical goal?

5. Do the paragraph's sentences begin with topical information that directly relates back to the topics and messages of previous sentences?

Sample Paragraphs

Strategies for Revising Paragraphs that Lack Unity

1. Delete the sentences that break the unity from the draft entirely

2. Move the sentences that break the unity to (a) an existing paragraph in which they would fit better or (b) a new paragraph

3. Start successive sentences with the same subject (but avoid monotony!)

4. Use transitional sentences, phrases, or words to signal shifts in topics and goals

5. Start new sentences with words and phrases that link back to the topic, message, and goal of a previous neighboring sentence

6. Use unity-grounding words and phrases consistently throughout the paragraph

Sample Paragraphs

Diagnosing Topic Sentences

1. Ask, "Does the paragraph have a sentence that captures the central topic, main message, and rhetorical goal? If not, does the paragraph need one?"

2. Ask, "Does the topic sentence effectively capture the central topic, main message and, most important, rhetorical goal for the paragraph?

3. Ask, "Is the sentence positioned effectively in the paragraph (usually at the top of a paragraph, to avoid a bottom-up structure)?"

4. Ask, "Does the sentence make a specific promise, or instill a well-defined expectation, about the content to follow? And, does the content of the paragraph fulfill the topic sentence's promise?"

5. Ask, "Does the sentence effectively forecast the structure or pattern of ideas that follow?"

6. Ask, "Does the sentence effectively establish the logical relationship between the paragraph and surrounding paragraphs?“

Sample Paragraphs

How effective is the coherence (that is, the flow in meaning and logic from sentence to sentence)?

Questions for Diagnosing Gaps and Breaks in Coherence:

1. Are there drastic shifts in the topic, message, or goal?

2. Are the paragraph’s ideas ordered ineffectively?

3. Are key inferences missing?

4. Does the idea in the current sentence fail to meet readers’ expectations (based on the idea in the previous sentence)?

5. Is there a lack of parallel structure (when parallel structure is warranted)?

6. Are necessary transitions and "meaning links” lacking?

7. Is the problem that the whole thing just doesn't flow?

Sample Paragraphs

Strategies for Improving Coherence

1. Delete or move sentences that drastically shift topics, messages, and goals

2. Add ideas that are necessary to meet readers' expectations

3. Add necessary information and ideas to fill in missing inferences

4. Use (but don't overuse) transitional words and phrases as signposts and bridges to guide readers across challenging sentences

5. Begin new sentences with old information—that is, with words, phrases, and ideas from previous sentences

6. Start all over by outlining your goals and ideas for successive sentences in the paragraph

Sample Paragraphs

Sentence

Purpose Basic Idea

1 Ground readers with a good topic-goal sentence Didn't expect increase in LBM

2 Say what I first expected, based on research on starvation diets

LBM might actually decline

3 Explain why effects of starvation diets are relevant Starvation diets are like LC diets: Both can theoretically cause protein breakdown through gluconeogenesis

4 Ground readers back to my results: They don't support my initial expectation

My results show increase in LBM rather than decrease

5 Present my 2nd original expectation LBM might be maintained

6 Set up explanations for 2nd expectation Two areas of research support 2nd expectation

7 Summarize 1st area of support for my 2nd expectation LBM maintained when ketones are infused

8 Introduce the 2nd area of support for my 2nd expectation

Studies on Low-CHO diets show that LBM is maintained

9- Present Young's study Young found that LBM was maintained in subjects on Low-CHO

Paragraph Outline

Rhetorical goal for the paragraph: To explain my original expectations for study outcomes, in order to set up my explanation for underlying mechanisms

Revision to Improve Coherence

(1) The significant increase in lean body mass on the carbohydrate-

restricted diet was not expected. (2) We originally considered that lean

body mass might decline because protein is broken down in individuals

on starvation diets (Rabast et al., 1981). (3) Like starvation diets,

carbohydrate-restricted diets can theoretically lead to protein

catabolism through gluconeogenesis. (4) However, this mechanism is

clearly not supported by the increased lean mass that was observed in

this study's carbohydrate-restricted subjects. (5) Another initial

expectation was that lean body mass might be maintained in subjects

on the carbohydrate-restricted diet. (6) We based this expectation on

two areas of research. (7) First, studies have shown that lean mass is

maintained when beta-hydroxybutyrate (the major ketone in the

circulation) is infused into the body. (8) We thus reasoned that the

increased ketone production that occurs in individuals on

carbohydrate-restricted diets may be an energy source that spares

protein. (9) Second, previous studies have revealed at least the

maintenance of lean body mass in individuals on carbohydrate-

restricted diets. (10) For example, Young et al. compared . . . .