ModFamCar

MODERN FAMILY

"Career Change"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2014 [email protected]

INT. MITCH & CAMERON’S HOME (BATHROOM) - DAY

A PLUMBER (late 40s) is sitting on the floor next to a

toilet, staring into space.

Cameron walks in.

CAMERON

Hey. Uh. How’s it going in there?

PLUMBER

Oh. Uh. It’s going OK.

CAMERON

Yeah. I was just wondering. ’Cause.

You know. You’ve been working on my

toilet for a while. And, um, you

don’t seem to be, um, working, or

moving. I haven’t seen you move in

like an hour.

PLUMBER

Yeah. I’m just... a little

distracted.

CAMERON

I see.

PLUMBER

My wife.

CAMERON

Your wife?

PLUMBER

My wife. I think she’s cheating on

me.

CAMERON

Oh. Well. You know. She’s probably

not cheating.

PLUMBER

What makes you say that?

CAMERON

Well. You seem like such a great

couple.

PLUMBER

Do you know us?

2.

CAMERON

Well. I know a lot of couples like

you.

PLUMBER

Like us? You’ve never even seen my

wife.

CAMERON

Um. Well. ... Would you like a soda

or something?

PLUMBER

Whiskey.

CAMERON

Whiskey?

PLUMBER

Whiskey.

CAMERON

Um. Won’t that impair your ability

to plumb?

PLUMBER

No. I plumb better drunk than I do

sober.

CAMERON

Have you tested that theory

scientifically?

PLUMBER

My wife. She’s sleeping with my

cousin.

CAMERON

Do you want your whiskey on the

rocks?

INT. MITCH & CAMERON’S HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

(Documentary Interview Scene)

CAMERON

(to camera)

I hired a plumber. He turned me

into a bathroom bartender.

3.

INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Phil is standing, and on the phone.

PHIL

Back-to-back. ... Yeah. ... OK.

He hangs up. Claire walks in.

CLAIRE

Hi honey.

They kiss.

CLAIRE

How was work?

PHIL

You know the house on Oak Street?

Sold!

CLAIRE

You sold a $2 million home!

PHIL

Uh. Did Michael Jordan three-peat

twice?

CLAIRE

Phil--I don’t know what that means.

PHIL

It means I sold a $2 million home.

CLAIRE

Wow! Honey! That’s... a lot of

money.

PHIL

Yeah. By the way. The home on

Miller Street? Sold!

CLAIRE

What?! You sold another $2 million

home?

PHIL

Hell no. I sold it for $2.2

million. Yeah. I don’t bother with

measly $2 million sales anymore.

You should know that by now.

4.

CLAIRE

$2.2 million. And $2 million. I’ve

never added that much money before

--but I’m pretty sure it all equals

$4.2 million. $4.2 million. In one

day. Phil--that comes out to...

$4.2 million per day.

PHIL

Well. I didn’t do the "per day"

math--but I’ll take your word for

it.

CLAIRE

We’re moving on up, Phil. You’ve

hit your prime. Get on your phone.

Do some more selling. Sell, baby,

sell! Keep the momentum going.

PHIL

Well. You see. Um. The whole real

estate agent thing. I’m not

really... I don’t... it’s just...

the thing is... it isn’t really

lighting my fire.

CLAIRE

Your fire?

PHIL

Yeah. You know. At this point in my

career, I’m not finding it

fulfilling. Selling homes hasn’t

been lighting my fire.

CLAIRE

Interesting. Well. Let me just

remind your fire that you made more

money today than you did in all of

2013.

PHIL

Which is good. Because now we have

money. And now that we have money,

we won’t be needing any more money

for a while.

CLAIRE

Who the hell filled up your head

with a ridiculous idea like that?

Was it that Zen Buddhist guy at

your gym? Phil--I told you to stop

talking to him. The next time you

(MORE)

5.

CLAIRE (cont’d)go to the gym, stay away from him,

and just chit chat with all of

those pretty girls in tight pants.

PHIL

Honey. I want to try out a new

career.

CLAIRE

Phil--we’ve talked about this. You

can’t be a magician.

PHIL

No. Not magician.

CLAIRE

OK. Then what?

PHIL

... Gigolo. ... I’m kidding. ...

Art. I’m gonna paint. With

paintbrushes. And paint. ... Well.

Say something.

CLAIRE

I actually prefer the gigolo idea.

PHIL

I already bought the art supplies.

And I started an hour ago.


(Documentary Scene interview)

PHIL

(to camera)

My fire has been lit.


(Later)

Phil has an easel, canvas, and paint set up, and he’s

working on a painting. (The painting remains concealed to

the TV viewer throughout the episode.)

PHIL

(singing)

Just a gigolo. Everywhere I go.

6.

INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

GLORIA

Do you have any idea why Jay has

been playing video games so much

lately?

MANNY

I don’t know why he does most of

the stuff he does. I stopped trying

to figure him out two years ago.

GLORIA

He’s a man in his 60s, and he

bought himself one of those

box-boxes.

MANNY

You mean x-boxes?

GLORIA

Whatever. He’s always playing the

box-box. He was up till 1 am

yesterday.

MANNY

That’s actually a good sign for

your marriage.

GLORIA

How?

MANNY

Well. Let me put it this

way. You’re still in your party

years, while Hays has entered his

Social Security years. I figured by

now that he’d be going to bed at 8,

while you’d stay up till 3. But the

two of you are in the same time

zone.

GLORIA

You think I’m still in my party

years?

MANNY

Of course.

A car honks.

7.

MANNY

That’s Bob. I gotta go.

GLORIA

Don’t be home late.

MANNY

Don’t party too much tonight.


Cameron is on the phone.

INT. MITCH’S OFFICE - DAY

Mitch answers his phone.

MITCH

Yeah.

(Back and forth between Mitch & Cameron’s Home and Mitch’s

Office)

CAMERON

(quietly)

I got a bit of a problem involving

the plumber. He’s been here for two

hours.

MITCH

Our toilet must be really broken.

CAMERON

No. The plumber’s head is what’s

broken.

MITCH

What?

CAMERON

He thinks his wife is cheating on

him.

MITCH

Are you talking about the plumber

in our home, or the plumber on Days

of Our Lives?

CAMERON

Mitch. He’s not working. He’s just

sitting next to our toilet. He’s

(MORE)

8.

CAMERON (cont’d)distracted. I asked him to leave,

and he didn’t leave. He said he

wants to finish the job. But he’s

not finishing the job. He’s

finishing our whiskey.

MITCH

I hope you gave him the cheap

whiskey.

CAMERON

Should I call the cops?

MITCH

That seems a little extreme. How

about you just talk to him?

CAMERON

I’d rather call the cops.

MITCH

Don’t call the cops.

CAMERON

Can you come home early and help me

deal with this?

MITCH

No.

CAMERON

Why not?

MITCH

I’m kind of busy doing something

other than talking to a drunk

plumber.

CAMERON

You sound kind of snobby right now.

What--you’re unwilling to talk to

the working class?

MITCH

Cam. You know perfectly well that

one of my best friends is a

plumber.

CAMERON

Well why didn’t we have him fix our

toilet, instead of the whiskey

drinker who’s sitting in our

bathroom?

9.

MITCH

Because having a friend fix your

toilet is awkward.

CAMERON

As opposed to having a drunk

stranger sit next to your toilet

and discuss his marriage with you.

That’s not awkward at all.

MITCH

Cam. I gotta go.


Phil is working on a painting. He’s shirtless, and wearing

flip flips and short shorts. Claire is sitting nearby on the

sofa, watching TV. Haley walks in.

HALEY

Hi mom.

CLAIRE

Hi sweetie.

HALEY

Um. Hi dad.

Phil turns around, stares at her for a few seconds, and then

turns around and continues working on his painting.

HALEY

Uh. Two questions, mom. What’s for

dinner?

CLAIRE

Spaghetti.

HALEY

And which mental institute should

we put dad in?

Phil turns around.

PHIL

Honey. I’m just working on some

art. I have a creative life that

balances out my overall life.

Balance. I have balance. When you

think about it, that actually makes

me saner than the rest of you.

10.

He does a somersault, and then resumes working on his

painting.

HALEY

I was kind of with you until that

whole part about the somersault.



CLAIRE

Apparently, Phil has entered his

post modernist phase. It’s marked

by vibrant colors and acrobatic

behavior.


Phil is still painting. He turns around and hugs Claire and

and Haley.

PHIL

I love both of you so much.

He goes right back to working on his painting.

CLAIRE

(to Haley)

Honey. We’re still looking for the

right mental institute. Can you

find one on the internet?

Phil turns around again.

PHIL

Let me just say this. You’re the

perfect wife and you’re the perfect

daughter. It’s not crazy for me to

love you so much. But it would be

crazy for me not to love you so

much.

He resumes working on his painting.

HALEY

(to Claire)

Has he been talking to that Zen

Buddhist guy?

11.

CLAIRE

Probably. By the way, honey--your

father’s gonna take a few years off

from his job, in order to pursue

his art.

HALEY

Great. Does that mean you’re gonna

cut my allowance in half?

CLAIRE

Actually, no. We’re gonna double

it. Because your father sold two

expensive homes today, and made a

lot of money.

HALEY

Oh. Congratulations, dad. Um. I’m

not sure how I feel about all of

this. I’ll be in my room.

PHIL

Spaghetti!

INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY

Gloria is putting a loaf of bread in her cart. COLLIN (21,

good looking) is a few feet away from her.

COLLIN

I’ve been here for five minutes. I

have no idea which bread to buy.

Like, what I should look for in a

bread?

GLORIA

I don’t know. I’ve been buying the

same kind for five years.

COLLIN

Well. I’m still trying to find the

right one.

GLORIA

I see.

She studies his body language. He seems very flirty.

GLORIA

Well... I think you should keep

looking.

12.

COLLIN

it’s hard to know when you’ve found

the right bread, or the right car,

or the right apartment. But for

some reason, the right woman is

easy to spot.

GLORIA

Really? Well. Uh. Hopefully you’ll

find her. Keep looking.

COLLIN

OK. How was your day, by the way?

GLORIA

What?

COLLIN

Well. I’m just asking. Because I

can just tell by looking at you,

that you’re not asked stuff like

that very often.

GLORIA

Sure I am.

COLLIN

OK. If you say so. But if you want

to talk about your day with me, go

for it.

GLORIA

I don’t even know you.

COLLIN

Right. That’s true. So do you want

to go out sometime?

GLORIA

I’m married.

COLLIN

I’ll bet your husband doesn’t ask

you about your day. Does he?

GLORIA

... How old are you?

COLLIN

You’re avoiding my question.

13.

GLORIA

You’re avoiding my question. How

old are you?

COLLIN

I’m an adult.

GLORIA

How adult are you? Put an age on

your adult.

COLLIN

You see that six pack of Coronas

over there? I’m old enough to buy

it. Legally.

GLORIA

I’m old enough to buy a 12 pack.

COLLIN

So you’re 21 like me?

GLORIA

Not quite. I’ll be turning 21 in

March. Not this March--but one of

the Marches in the 1990s. Are you

familiar with that decade? It’s the

one where you were watching

Spongebob.

COLLIN

Let’s focus on this decade. The one

where I’m a man, and you’re a

woman.

GLORIA

A married woman.

COLLIN

I’m detecting an accent.

GLORIA

Oh. You’re very perceptive.

COLLIN

Would you mind repeating that?

GLORIA

... You’re very perceptive?

COLLIN

I just like hearing your voice.

It’s music to my ears.

14.

GLORIA

... What?


The Plumber is sitting on the floor next to the toilet,

finishing a glass of whiskey.

PLUMBER

Can I have some more whiskey?

CAMERON

Um. The thing is, in my bathroom,

we have a two drink maximum.

PLUMBER

She’s cheating on me. I know it.

... Are you married?

CAMERON

Yeah.

PLUMBER

Is your wife cheating on you?

CAMERON

I doubt it. I mean, we’re

newlyweds. Plus, my wife is a

husband.

PLUMBER

Right. Yeah. I detected a lot of

gayness from you. But I’m just so

distracted with my marriage, that I

forgot about your gayness.

CAMERON

Interesting. You’re the first

person to ever forget about my

gayness after detecting it.

PLUMBER

You know, I’ve never had a

conversation with a gay before.

CAMERON

Wow. That’s very surprising.

Especially considering how you just

referred to a gay man as "a gay."

15.



CAMERON

(to camera)

So I’m a bartender, and I’m a gay.


The doorbell rings. Claire opens it to reveal Jay.

CLAIRE

What brings you here?

JAY

Well. I came to hang out with Luke.

CLAIRE

Really? That’s great. He’s in his

room.

JAY

Alright.

He begins walking up the steps. He comes back down, and

examines Phil painting shirtless.

JAY

(to Claire)

Uh...

CLAIRE

He sold $4.2 million worth of homes

today.

JAY

Great. That explains nothing.

(to Phil)

Keep up the good work, Phil.

Phil turns around, stares at Jay for a few seconds, and then

goes right back to working on his painting.

JAY

Right. I’ll be upstairs, if anybody

needs me.

16.

INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKE’S ROOM) - DAY

Jay walks in.

JAY

Time for a rematch.

LUKE

It’s on.

JAY

You’re darn tootin’ it’s on. It’s

on like Donkey Kong.

INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

(Documentary Scene)

JAY

(to camera)

In the 80s, I used to take Mitchell

and Claire to the arcade. And while

I was there, I played a little

Pac-Man. A lot of Pac-Man. I was

pretty good. 323,915 points. I set

the arcade’s record back in 82.

But a few weeks ago, I played a few

games of Madden with Luke. He beat

me. And now it’s on. It’s on like

Donkey Kong.

INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY

Gloria in on her cell phone.


Jay is playing a Madden Football video game with Luke. Jay’s

phone rings. He pauses the game and takes the call.

JAY

Hello.

(Back and forth between the Supermarket and Luke’s Room)

GLORIA

Some guy is flirting with me.

17.

JAY

Flirting. Like, is he harassing

you?

GLORIA

No. He’s talking to me, and

smiling--and he complimented me.

JAY

Did you tell him that you’re

married?

GLORIA

Yes. He continued to flirt, Jay.

He’s in the frozen foods section

right now, and I’m in cereal--but I

think he’s gonna talk to me again

later. Soon.

JAY

You have your pepper spray?

GLORIA

Yes.

JAY

Great. Use it.

GLORIA

I’m not gonna pepper spray him just

for flirting with me.

JAY

You don’t have to spray the whole

bottle in his eyes. Just give him

one spray in the general vicinity,

and he’ll get the point.

GLORIA

He complimented me.

JAY

I think you mentioned that.

GLORIA

He said that he likes my accent.

JAY

He what?

GLORIA

My accent. He said it’s like music

to his ears.

18.

JAY

Well. In that case, you should

probably marry him. I’ll have my

lawyer prepare our divorce papers

tomorrow.

GLORIA

Jay!

JAY

Gloria. If you’re not gonna use the

pepper spray, just leave the

supermarket.

GLORIA

Bu we need groceries.

JAY

We can eat out. I hear Denny’s is

delicious.

GLORIA

Jay--you should come down here and

make sure he knows we’re together.

JAY

Gloria--I’d love to come down there

and beat the crap out of him. But

I’m in the middle of something very

important.

GLORIA

What are you in the middle of?

JAY

I’m, uh--I’m spending quality time

with Luke.

GLORIA

Oh. Well. I guess that’s a good

excuse.

JAY

It’s a great excuse.

GLORIA

OK. I love you.

JAY

I love you, too.

He hangs up.

19.

JAY

OK. Unpause the game. 3rd down.

Five seconds later, Luke scores a touchdown.

LUKE

Boom! Seven to nothing. Next time

you play me, make sure you stretch

your quads before kickoff.

Luke gets on the ground to do a lying quad stretch.

LUKE

Like this.

JAY

That’s it. I’m taking you out of my

will.


The plumber is now sitting on the toiler (with his pants

on). Cameron is standing next to him, holding a whiskey

bottle.

CAMERON

More whiskey?

PLUMBER

Fill her up.

Lily walks in.

LILY

Daddy--are you done with your

playdate? It’s been like three

hours.

CAMERON

No, honey. We’re still drinking

pretend alcohol.

LILY

And playing pretend toilet?

CAMERON

No. We’re not playing pretend

toilet. Playing pretend toilet

would be very inappropriate. This

is pretend bartender. You know. I’m

working at a bar, and he’s sitting

at a bar. We’re pretending.

20.

LILY

Oh.

She walks up to the Plumber.

LILY

My turn to sit at the bar.

The Plumber gets up. Lily sits on the toilet.

LILY

(to Cameron)

OK, bartender. I’ll have a glass of

orange juice.

The Plumber stares at Cameron, not sure what to make of

everything.

CAMERON

(to Lily)

One glass of orange juice. Coming

up.

PLUMBER

(to Lily)

You want some whiskey in that

orange juice?

CAMERON

No. No she doesn’t. We don’t serve

pretend whiskey to minors in this

establishment.

INT. DUNPHY HOME (KITCHEN) - DAY

Phil is wearing a winter hat that covers his ears, and he’s

holding a box.

PHIL

I got you something.

CLAIRE

OK. Before I open it, let me ask

you a question. Does this box

contain your ear?

PHIL

What? No.

CLAIRE

Then why are you wearing that hat?

21.

PHIL

Honey. I’m in a creative field. I

just do stuff like that.

CLAIRE

Great. I have no idea how to

respond to what you just said.

PHIL

There’s no response necessary. Just

open the box.

CLAIRE

It’s light.

She opens it.

CLAIRE

It’s empty.

PHIL

It contains my soul.

CLAIRE

What?

PHIL

My soul.

CLAIRE

I see.

PHIL

No. You can’t see a soul.

CLAIRE

Right. So, uh, what do you want me

to do with this soul?

PHIL

Don’t you see?

CLAIRE

No. I don’t see. We’ve already gone

through the part about how I can’t

see.

He kisses her.

PHIL

I want you to give me your soul.

22.

CLAIRE

Uh...

PHIL

We’re soul mates.

CLAIRE

Right. So, uh--do you want me to

put my soul in a box?

PHIL

No.

CLAIRE

How about a thermos?

PHIL

Just follow your heart. Your heart

will tell you where to put your

soul.

He kisses her again.

CLAIRE

Remember all the corny jokes you

used to tell? I could go for one of

those right now.

PHIL

You inspire me. The way an apple

inspired Isaac Newton.

CLAIRE

I was thinking of something more

like a pun.

PHIL

When I’m without you, I want to

punch myself in the face.

CLAIRE

Punch? Was that the pun?


JAY

(very loudly))

30, 20, 10--Touchdown! Adrian

Peterson!

Claire walks in five seconds later.

23.

CLAIRE

Dad--what the hell is going on

here?

JAY

I, uh--I scored a touchdown.

CLAIRE

You’re sweating. Are you playing

actual football?

JAY

It’s, uh--your home’s too

insulated. It’s hot in here.

CLAIRE

It’s not that hot. Phil is

downstairs wearing a winter hat.

Daddy--this is Pac-Man all over

again. The summer of 82. Remember

that? The rivalry you had with

Tommy Jones?

JAY

Yeah. He was the second best in

town. I was the best.

CLAIRE

You were in your thirties. He was

in fifth grade!

JAY

Pac-Man isn’t about age. It’s about

dots. Everyone knows that.

CLAIRE

Dad. I got Van Gogh hanging out

downstairs. I have an insane

husband. Do you have to be my

insane father right now? Can’t you

balance out Phil’s lunacy with some

non-lunacy.

JAY

Claire. I’m just playing video

games with my only grandson. I like

my grandson, and I like video

games. It would be lunacy for me

not to play video games with him.

CLAIRE

Have you been talking to that Zen

Buddhist guy at the gym?

24.


The doorbell rings. Cameron opens the door the reveal CLARA.

CLARA

Hi. Can I talk to Jeff?

CAMERON

Jeff?

CLARA

The plumber.

CAMERON

Right. Jeff. He’s, uh. He’s in the

bathroom. Over there.


Clara walks in to the bathroom while Cameron watches.

JEFF / PLUMBER

Clara? How did you know I was here?

CLARA

You called me ten minutes ago and

told me where you were.

JEFF / PLUMBER

Right. By the way--this is Cameron.

He’s gay. And he just got married.

You know. Prop 8.

CAMERON

Hi.

CLARA

Hi. I voted no on Prop 8. But

congratulations on your marriage.

CAMERON

Thank you?

JEFF / PLUMBER

You’re sleeping with my cousin!

CLARA

Are you drunk?

JEFF / PLUMBER

Even when I’m sober, you’re still

sleeping with my cousin.

25.

CLARA

What makes you think that I’m

sleeping with Tony?

JEFF / PLUMBER

Who said anything about Tony? I was

talking about John.

CLARA

What makes you think I’m sleeping

with John?

JEFF / PLUMBER

You both like that movie. The one

with that bearded guy. The funny

guy with the beard. You know that

movie.

CLARA

The Hangover?

JEFF / PLUMBER

Yeah. The Hangover. You both like

The Hangover. You were both

laughing at it.

CLARA

That doesn’t mean I’m sleeping with

John. Honey--I love you. You mean

everything to me.

JEFF / PLUMBER

The Hangover isn’t that good.

CLARA

Well. It’s pretty good.

JEFF / PLUMBER

Yeah. It it’s pretty good. But it’s

not that good. There are some funny

parts, though. So you’re not

sleeping with John?

CLARA

No.

JEFF / PLUMBER

Or Tony?

CLARA

Or Tony. I only have eyes for you.

(to Cameron)

He’s the jealous type. This happens

every month or so.

26.

CAMERON

Ah.

JEFF / PLUMBER

I love you, Clara. Come here.

They kiss very romantically, and don’t stop.

CAMERON

Um. I’ll just leave you alone for a

minute or two.

He closes the door.

CAMERON

Feel free to fix the toilet when

you’re done.


Mitch walks in.

MITCH

So. What happened with the plumber?

CAMERON

You missed the make up scene.

MITCH

The make up scene?

CAMERON

Yeah. Clara dropped by.

MITCH

Who’s Clara?

CAMERON

Jeff’s wife.

MITCH

Who’s Jeff?

CAMERON

The plumber. It turns out that

Clara wasn’t sleeping with John. Or

Tony.

MITCH

Are you talking about Days of Our

Lives?

27.

CAMERON

No. Days of our bathroom. You

missed the make up scene. The love

scene is currently in progress.

MITCH

Great. So is our toilet fixed?

CAMERON

No. And we’re out of whiskey. We do

have some cognac, though. Why don’t

you go pour me a glass?

MITCH

Why don’t you pour it yourself?

CAMERON

My shift as bartender ended two

minutes ago. It’s your turn.


Jay is on the phone with Gloria.

JAY

Hey, honey. I’m done with my

quality time. I won 17-14 in

overtime. I might’ve cheated,

though.


(Earlier / Flashback)

Jay knocks the controller out of Luke’s hand.

LUKE

Hey!


GLORIA (V.O.)

Oh.

JAY

Is that guy still flirting with

you?

28.

INT. CAR - DAY

GLORIA

No. I’m on my way home.

(Back and forth between the Car and Luke’s Room)

JAY

You know, I’m kind of in the mood

to have it out with him now. Did

you get his license plate number or

anything?

GLORIA

I don’t think he’s old enough to

drive.

JAY

What?

GLORIA

He’s a little young. 21.

JAY

I see. Well. We can double date.

You go out with him, and I’ll take

his younger sister. We can go to

Chuck E. Cheese’s.

GLORIA

Jay. Do you want to hear about how

my day was?

JAY

Absolutely.

GLORIA

Do you want to hear it in my

accent?

JAY

I want to hear everything in your

accent. I don’t understand it, but

I like the sound of it.

INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - EARLY EVENING

Phil is alone. His easel is turned so the canvas is facing a

wall.

29.

PHIL

(announcing to the rest of the

home)

Everyone come here! it’s time for

the art exhibit!

Claire and Haley come in from the kitchen.

CLAIRE

(to Phil)

The spaghetti’s ready, by the way.

HALEY

Yeah, dad. It’s really good

spaghetti. Have some

Luke, Jay, and Alex come down the stairs.

JAY

This should be interesting.

PHIL

(addressing everyone)

OK. guys. I know I’ve been acting a

little weird today.

JAY

No weirder than usual, Phil.

PHIL

I just--I realized that I wanted to

do more than sell homes.

HALEY

And do magic.

PHIL

And do magic. I want to do more

than real estate and magic. I don’t

now. I mean, I’m not abandoning

real estate. Or magic. But anyways.

Without further ado. Here it is.

He turns around the easel and reveals the painting. (It

still remains concealed to the TV viewer.)

HALEY

That’s... good.

CLAIRE

I like it. I mean, I also like it

when you sell $4.2 million in homes

per day. But it’s a nice painting.

30.

JAY

I gotta say. It’s a great painting.

PHIL

Do you mean, it, Jay?

JAY

Absolutely. I like it. You know

what? I’d be honored if you’d let

me buy it, and hang it in my home.

Now, I can’t give you $4.2 million

for it.

PHIL

How about 4 million?

JAY

Sold. Send me the bill.

CLAIRE

(to Phil)

Wow. You’re really on a roll,

honey. That brings you up to $8.2

million for the day. Go sell

something else.

Jay grabs the painting and walks towards the door.

JAY

Luke. Open the door for me.

Luke opens it.

Jay walks out with the painting.

PHIL

(to Claire)

Has he been talking to that Zen

Buddhist guy?

INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT

Jay and Gloria are curled up on the couch, and staring at a

painting on the wall. (The painting remains concealed to the

TV viewer.)

GLORIA

Phil painted that?

JAY

Yeah.

31.

GLORIA

It looks good there. I like it.

The camera switches shots, and we finally see the painting:

INT. GYM - DAY

Jay is on a rowing machine, and BOB (40) is on the machine

next to his.

JAY

I tried that Zen meditation thing

you taught me yesterday. How do I

know when I’ve experienced

enlightenment?

Bob seems mesmerized by something.

JAY

Bob?

BOB

Sorry, Jay. I was a little

distracted by that girl in tight

pants.

JAY

That’s my wife.

BOB

That’s your wife?

The camera reveals a 25 year old woman on an elliptical

machine.

JAY

Just kidding. That’s my wife.

He points to Gloria, who’s also wearing tight pants, and on

another elliptical machine.

.

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