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MODERN FAMILY
"Full-Phil-ment"
Written by Rodney Ohebsion
Copyright 2015
INT. MITCH & CAMERON’S HOME (BATHROOM) - DAY
A PLUMBER (late 40s) is sitting on the floor next to a
toilet, staring into space, looking confused, distracted,
and possibly insane.
Cameron walks in. The Plumber continues to stare. Cameron
knocks on the door. The Plumber still doesn’t react.
CAMERON
Hello?
The Plumber looks at the toilet confused, thinking that’s
where Cameron’s voice came from. He leans towards the toilet
bowl.
PLUMBER
(into toilet)
Hi.
CAMERON
Actually, I’m over here by the
door.
The Plumber turns his head and looks at Cameron.
PLUMBER
Right.
CAMERON
Uh. How you doing in there?
PLUMBER
Good. How are you?
CAMERON
I’m good. So, how’s the toilet?
PLUMBER
Well. In layman’s terms, your
toilet isn’t working, ’cause the
son of a bitch won’t flush. How are
you?
CAMERON
I’m still good. And, uh, I actually
already knew that the son of a
bitch won’t flush.
PLUMBER
What--you think you’re a plumber?
2.
CAMERON
No. That’s why I called you over.
You know. So you could get the son
of a bitch to flush.
The Plumber looks at the toilet. He then grabs a plunger,
and begins using it violently on the toilet. Finally, he
sits down next to the toilet, and looks back at Cameron.
PLUMBER
My wife. She’s sleeping with my
cousin.
CAMERON
Oh. That’s, uh... you know, you and
your wife are a great couple.
You’ll overcome this.
PLUMBER
You don’t know us.
CAMERON
... Can I get you something to
drink? I just bought a bottle of
fresh pomegranate juice.
PLUMBER
Pour it down the drain, and bring
me some liquor.
CAMERON
How about a nice, refreshing can of
light beer?
PLUMBER
How about a big, dirty bottle of
whiskey?
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Phil walks in through the front door. A second later, Claire
walks in through the kitchen.
CLAIRE
Hi honey.
They kiss.
CLAIRE
Why are you home so early?
3.
PHIL
You know the house on Oak Street?
Sold!
CLAIRE
You sold a $2 million home!
PHIL
Uh. Did Michael Jordan three-peat
twice?
CLAIRE
Phil--I don’t know what that means.
PHIL
That means the home on Miller
Street--also sold!
CLAIRE
You sold another $2 million home?
PHIL
Did Michael Jordan three-peat
twice?
CLAIRE
Absolutely! Wow, Phil! You’re on
fire! You gotta get on your phone
and do some more selling.
PHIL
I’m actually gonna take a few days
off to...
CLAIRE
You gotta keep the momentum going.
It’s like you’re Michael Jordan,
you’ve scored 50 points, the game
is tied, and you just got a pass
from John Elway. Shoot the ball!
PHIL
You might want to make a few tweaks
to that analogy. Because Michael
Jordan shot basketballs, and John
Elway passed footballs.
CLAIRE
Fine. You’re playing blackjack, and
the dealer just gave you 11. Double
down!
4.
PHIL
Is the dealer John Elway?
CLAIRE
Sure. Whatever.
PHIL
... Why would John Elway be dealing
blackjack cards?
CLAIRE
The point is, you should go with
the momentum, and keep selling.
PHIL
... Honey. Let’s talk about...
Purpose. Passion. Fulfillment.
CLAIRE
OK.
PHIL
I sold two homes today.
CLAIRE
Yeah.
(puts up her hand)
High five.
He gives her a high five.
PHIL
(continues what he was saying)
And it was exciting at first, the
way I thought it would be. But then
the feeling died down. The
fulfillment just wasn’t there. And,
I mean, who is Phil, if Phil
doesn’t have fulfill-ment?
CLAIRE
Um. What?
PHIL
Let me state that another way. I
want to add the full-ment to
Phil. Do the math. Full-ment plus
Phil equals full-Phil-ment.
CLAIRE
Well. Right now, Phil sounds like
he’s full of something.
5.
PHIL
Honey. I want to change careers.
...
(puts up his hand)
High five.
CLAIRE
When Michael Jordan got a pass in
the championship game, I don’t
think he walked off the court and
said, "I’m not playing basketball
anymore. I mean, I want to add
full-ment to Michael.
Full-Michael-ment."
PHIL
(flips over his hand, looks at
his palm, and then puts down
his hand)
I’m just saying. I made a lot of
money today. We can live on that
money, while I try out a new
career.
CLAIRE
Phil--we’ve talked about this. You
can’t be a magician. Or a gigolo.
PHIL
I can be an artist. ... I’m gonna
paint. Paintings. With paint.
(puts up his hand)
High five!
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
(Documentary Scene interview)
PHIL
(to camera)
Let me put it this way. The ball
has been passed to me, and now I’m
gonna shoot. Only the ball ins’t a
ball. It’s a paintbrush. Oh--and
I’m not gonna shoot it. I’m gonna,
you know. Paint with it.
6.
INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Gloria is talking to Manny.
GLORIA
Do you have any idea why Jay has
been playing video games so much?
MANNY
Mom. Let me explain something to
you about my relationship with Jay.
I don’t understand him, he doesn’t
understand me. That’s the delicate
balance of nature that allows this
ecosystem to work.
GLORIA
He’s a man in his 60s, and he
bought himself one of those
box-boxes.
MANNY
You mean x-boxes?
GLORIA
Whatever. He’s always playing the
box-box. He was up till 1 am
yesterday.
MANNY
Well--the good news is that he
doesn’t go to bed at 8 pm, like
most people his age. I mean, you’re
in your party years, he’s in his
Social Security years--but you’re
still living in the same time zone.
GLORIA
You think I’m still in my party
years?
INT. MITCH & CAMERON’S HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Cameron is on the phone.
INT. MITCH’S OFFICE - DAY
Mitch answers his phone.
7.
MITCH
Yeah.
(Back and forth between Mitch & Cameron’s Home and Mitch’s
Office)
CAMERON
(quietly)
I got a bit of a problem involving
the plumber. He’s been here for two
hours.
MITCH
Our toilet must be really broken.
CAMERON
Well. The son of a bitch won’t
flush. But what’s really broken is
the plumber’s head. The son of a
bitch won’t think.
MITCH
Have you tried using a plunger on
it?
CAMERON
The plumber’s acting crazy, and
talking about how his wife is
cheating on him. I asked him to
leave--but he said that he wanted
to finish the job. Should I call
the cops?
MITCH
Yes, Cam. Contact the division of
Internal Affairs and Toilets.
CAMERON
Mitch!
MITCH
Just go to the bathroom and have a
man-to-man chat with the plumber.
CAMERON
I treed that. He thought my voice
was coming from the toilet! And
that was before he started drinking
our whiskey.
8.
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
Phil has an easel, canvas, and paint set up, and he’s
working on a painting. (The painting remains concealed to
the TV viewer throughout the episode.) He’s wearing a scarf
and flip flops.
Claire is sitting nearby on the sofa, watching TV. Haley
walks in.
HALEY
Hi mom.
CLAIRE
Hi sweetie.
Haley sees Phil.
HALEY
Um. Hi dad.
Phil turns around, stares at her for a few seconds, and then
turns around and continues working on his painting.
HALEY
(to Claire)
Uh. Two questions, mom. What’s for
dinner?
CLAIRE
Spaghetti.
HALEY
And, uh, which mental institute
should we put dad in?
Phil turns around.
PHIL
Honey. I have a creative life that
balances out my overall life. I
have balance. When you think about
it, that actually makes me saner
than the rest of you. I’m not
insane. Unless by "insanity," you
mean that I’m in a state of sanity.
I’m in sanity. How did I get there?
Through work that brings
fulfillment. Fulfillment. Insanity.
Insanity. Fulfillment.
He does a somersault, and then resumes working on his
painting.
9.
HALEY
I was kind of with you until that
whole part about the somersault.
PHIL
Spaghetti!
Phi continues working on his painting.
CLAIRE
(to Haley)
Honey. We’re still looking for the
right mental institute.
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
(Documentary Interview Scene)
CLAIRE
Apparently, Phil has entered his
post modernist phase. It’s marked
by vibrant colors and acrobatic
behavior.
INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY
Gloria is putting a loaf of bread in her cart. COLLIN (21,
good looking) is a few feet away from her.
COLLIN
I’ve been here for five minutes. I
have no idea which bread to buy.
Like, what should I look for in a
loaf bread?
GLORIA
I don’t know. I’ve been buying the
same kind for five years.
COLLIN
I’m still trying to find the right
one.
She studies his body language. He seems very flirty.
GLORIA
Well... I think you should keep
looking.
10.
COLLIN
You have the most amazing voice.
Any time I hear you say something,
I want you to just keep on talking.
GLORIA
(confuses / surprised)
What?
COLLIN
Say "what" again.
GLORIA
Are you doing the scene from Pulp
Fiction?
COLLIN
What?
GLORIA
"Say ’what’ again." You know.
That’s what Samuel L. Jackson said
in Pulp Fiction
COLLIN
I’ve never seen that movie.
GLORIA
Yeah. It’s a little before your
time.
COLLIN
Maybe we can watch it together.
GLORIA
I don’t know. I’ll have to ask my
husband.
COLLIN
If you were my wife, you know what
I’d do?
GLORIA
I’m afraid to ask.
COLLIN
I’d rush home every day to hear
your voice.
GLORIA
You’re laying it on a little
thick--don’t you think?
11.
COLLIN
I’ll bet your husband doesn’t
appreciate your voice. I’ll be he
never asks you about your day and
then listens. Am I right?
GLORIA
... How old are you?
COLLIN
You’re avoiding my question.
GLORIA
You’re avoiding my question. How
old are you?
COLLIN
I’m an adult.
GLORIA
How adult are you? Put an age on
your adult.
COLLIN
You see that six pack of Coronas
over there? I’m old enough to buy
it.
GLORIA
Well. I’m old enough to buy a 12
pack.
COLLIN
So you’re also 21?
GLORIA
I turned 21 in the 90s. The decade
when I was watching Pulp Fiction,
and you were watching Spongebob.
COLLIN
Let’s focus on this decade. The one
where I’m a man who watches 20/20,
and you’re a woman who watches
20/20.
GLORIA
I’m a married woman. Who watches
Destilando Amor and Wheel of
Fortune.
12.
INT. MITCH & CAMERON’S HOME (BATHROOM) - DAY
The Plumber is sitting on the floor next to the toilet,
finishing a glass of whiskey. Cameron walks in.
PLUMBER
Can your bring over some more
whiskey?+
CAMERON
Well. We have actually have a three
drink maximum in this
bathroom--’cause we don’t want
anyone to drown in the toilet
water. So, um, how about I drop you
off at a liquor store?
PLUMBER
I’m still not done fixing your
toilet.
CAMERON
That’s OK. You can take it home
with you, and then fix it and bring
it back to me.
The Plumber looks at Cameron’s wedding ring.
PLUMBER
Is your wife cheating on you?
CAMERON
I doubt it. I mean, we’re
newlyweds--not to mention the fact
that my wife is a husband.
PLUMBER
You mean both of you are homos?
CAMERON
Well. In layman’s terms, yes-both
of us are homos.
PLUMBER
Right. Yeah. I actually detected a
lot of gayness from you. But I’m
just so distracted with my
marriage, that I forgot about your
gayness.
CAMERON
That’s interesting. You’re the
first person to ever forget about
my gayness after detecting it.
13.
PLUMBER
You know, I’ve never had a
conversation with a gay before.
CAMERON
Wow. That’s very surprising.
Especially considering how you just
referred to two gay men as "homos,"
and one gay man as "a gay."
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
The doorbell rings. Claire opens it to reveal Jay.
CLAIRE
Hi dad.
JAY
Hi. I came to hang out with Luke.
CLAIRE
Really? That’s great. He’s in his
room.
JAY
Alright.
He begins walking up the steps. He comes back down, and
examines Phil painting shirtless.
JAY
(to Claire)
Uh...
CLAIRE
He sold $4 million worth of homes
today.
JAY
Great. That explains nothing.
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKE’S ROOM) - DAY
Jay walks in.
JAY
Time for a rematch.
LUKE
It’s on.
14.
JAY
You’re darn tootin’ it’s on. It’s
on like Donkey Kong.
INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY
(Documentary Scene)
JAY
(to camera)
In the 80s, I used to take Mitchell
and Claire to the arcade. 323,915
points. That was my Pac-Man high
score. I set the arcade’s record
back in 82. But a month ago, I
played a few games of Madden with
Luke. He beat me. And now it’s on.
It’s on like Donkey Kong.
Actually--it’s on like Pac-Man. I
even ate bananas and cherries in
preparation for this. ... I have
problems. I know.
INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY
Gloria in on her cell phone.
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKE’S ROOM) - DAY
Jay is playing a Madden Football video game with Luke. Jay’s
phone rings. He pauses the game and takes the call.
JAY
Hello.
(Back and forth between the Supermarket and Luke’s Room)
GLORIA
Some guy is flirting with me.
JAY
Flirting? Like, is he harassing
you?
GLORIA
No. It’s much more serious than
that. He’s complimenting me.
15.
JAY
What?
GLORIA
Say "what" again, Jay! Say "what"
again!
JAY
What? I mean, um. Honey. Did you
tell this guy that you’re married?
GLORIA
Yes. He continued to flirt. He’s in
the frozen foods section right now,
and I’m in cereal--but I think he’s
gonna talk to me again later. Soon.
JAY
You have your pepper spray?
GLORIA
Yes.
JAY
Great. Use it.
GLORIA
I’m not gonna pepper spray him just
for flirting with me.
JAY
You don’t have to spray the whole
bottle in his eyes. Just give him
one spray in the general vicinity,
and he’ll get the point.
GLORIA
He said that he likes my voice.
JAY
... What?
GLORIA
Jay. Don’t say "what" again. My
voice. He said he likes it. He said
it’s like music to his ears.
JAY
Well. In that case, you should
probably marry him.
16.
GLORIA
Jay!
JAY
Gloria. Just leave the supermarket.
GLORIA
But we need groceries.
JAY
We can eat out. I hear IHOP serves
a magnificent dish called a Rooty
Tooty Fresh n’ Fruity.
GLORIA
Jay--you should come down here and
make sure this guy knows we’re
together, so he won’t get so fresh
and fruity with me.
JAY
That’s not what fruity means.
GLORIA
Jay!
JAY
Gloria--I’d love to come down there
and throw Pop Tarts at your new
boyfriend. But right now, I’m
spending quality time with Luke.
GLORIA
Oh. Well. I guess that’s a good
excuse.
JAY
It’s a great excuse.
GLORIA
OK. I love you.
JAY
I love you, too.
He hangs up.
JAY
OK. Unpause the game. 3rd down.
Five seconds later, Luke scores a touchdown.
17.
LUKE
Boom! Seven to nothing. Next time
you play me, make sure you stretch
your quads before kickoff.
Luke gets on the ground to do a lying quad stretch.
LUKE
Like this.
JAY
That’s it. I’m taking you out of my
will.
INT. MITCH & CAMERON’S HOME (BATHROOM) - DAY
The plumber is now sitting on the toiler (with his pants
on). Cameron is standing next to him, holding a whiskey
bottle.
CAMERON
More whiskey?
PLUMBER
Fill ’er up.
Lily walks in.
LILY
Daddy--are you done with your
playdate? It’s been, like, a
million hours.
CAMERON
No, honey. We’re still drinking
pretend alcohol.
LILY
And playing pretend toilet?
CAMERON
No. Playing pretend toilet would be
very inappropriate. This is pretend
bartender. You know. I’m working at
a bar, and he’s sitting at a bar.
LILY
Oh.
She walks up to the Plumber.
18.
LILY
It’s my turn to sit at the bar.
The Plumber gets up. Lily sits on the toilet.
LILY
(to Cameron)
OK, bartender. I’ll have a glass of
orange juice.
The Plumber stares at Cameron, not sure what to make of
everything.
CAMERON
(to Lily)
One glass of orange juice. Coming
up.
He pours her an imaginary glass of orange juice.
PLUMBER
(to Lily)
You want some whiskey in that
orange juice?
CAMERON
No. No she doesn’t. In this
establishment, we don’t serve
pretend whiskey to minors.
PLUMBER
She can pretend to be an adult.
CAMERON
And you can pretend to be a
plumber.
PLUMBER
(to Lily)
My wife is cheating on me.
LILY
Daddy--what is he talking about?
CAMERON
His wife cheats whenever they play
Go Fish.
LILY
(to Plumber)
Your wife shouldn’t cheat.
19.
PLUMBER
Yes! You’re right. You understand.
You know, if you were 30 years
older, I’d leave my wife and marry
you.
LILY
Well maybe you can find a wife at
the bar.
(points to an imaginary women)
Like that woman over there.
PLUMBER
She looks like a gold digger.
LILY
What’s a gold digger?
CAMERON
It’s someone who digs to find gold.
LILY
Oh. Let’s play that.
She does some imaginary digging.
LILY
Look! I found gold! Lots of gold.
Daddy--I’m a gold digger!
INT. DUNPHY HOME (KITCHEN) - NIGHT
Phil is wearing a winter hat that covers his ears, and he’s
holding a box.
PHIL
I got you something.
CLAIRE
OK. Before I open it, let me ask
you a question. Does this box
contain your ear?
PHIL
What? No.
CLAIRE
Then why are you wearing that hat?
PHIL
Honey. I’m in a creative field. So
sometimes I wear a hat, or
(MORE)
20.
PHIL (cont’d)
sometimes I pet a cat, or sometimes
I catch a rat.
CLAIRE
I don’t know how to respond to
that.
PHIL
Do you think this hat makes me look
fat?
CLAIRE
What?
PHIL
Nothing. I just got carried away
with the rhyming thing. Open the
box.
CLAIRE
It’s light.
She opens it.
CLAIRE
It’s empty.
PHIL
It contains my soul.
CLAIRE
I see.
PHIL
No. You can’t see a soul.
CLAIRE
Right. So, uh, what do you want me
to do with this soul?
PHIL
Don’t you see?
CLAIRE
No. That’s the point.
He kisses her.
PHIL
We’re soul mates. And now I want
you to give me your soul.
21.
CLAIRE
OK. How after you put a cat in a
hat, I put my soul in a bowl?
PHIL
Now you get it.
CLAIRE
I don’t think I do. Phil--what hell
are we talking about?
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKE’S ROOM) - NIGHT
JAY
(very loudly)
30, 20, 10--Touchdown! Russell
Wilson!
He starts doing a touchdown dance.
Claire walks in and looks at Jay.
JAY
I, uh--I scored a touchdown.
CLAIRE
Yeah. I can see. You’re sweating.
JAY
It’s, uh--your home’s too
insulated. It’s hot in here.
CLAIRE
It’s not that hot. Phil is
downstairs wearing a winter hat.
Daddy--this is Pac-Man all over
again. The summer of 82. Remember
that? The rivalry you had with
Tommy Jones?
JAY
Yeah. He was the second best in
town. I was the best.
CLAIRE
You were in your thirties. He was
in fifth grade!
JAY
Pac-Man isn’t about age. It’s about
dots. And fruit.
22.
CLAIRE
Dad. I got Van Gogh hanging out
downstairs. I have an insane
husband.
LUKE
Dad says that "insanity" can also
mean that you’re in a state of
sanity.
CLAIRE
Right. Yeah. Your father’s 100%
right.
(to Jay)
Dad--can you please balance out
Phil’s insanity with your own
out-sanity? Try acting a little
normal.
JAY
Absolutely. Luke--unpause the game.
Fourth quarter. Grandpa’s gonna
kick your ass.
INT. MITCH & CAMERON’S HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT
The doorbell rings. Cameron opens the door the reveal CLARA
(45).
CLARA
Hi. Can I talk to Jeff?
CAMERON
Jeff?
CLARA
The plumber.
CAMERON
Right. Jeff. For some reason, he
referred to himself as Jehosophat.
CLARA
No. That’s what he calls his
plunger.
CAMERON
Oh. Well--Jehosopophat and Jeff are
both in the bathroom. Over there.
23.
INT. MITCH & CAMERON’S HOME (BATHROOM) - NIGHT
Clara walks in to the bathroom while Cameron watches.
JEFF / PLUMBER
Clara? How did you know I was here?
CLARA
You called me ten minutes ago and
told me where you were.
JEFF / PLUMBER
Right. By the way
(looks at Cameron)
--this is... what’s your name?
CAMERON
Cameron.
JEFF / PLUMBER
Cameron. I’m Jeff.
CAMERON
OK, Jeff. Allow me to introduce
my plunger, Jebediah.
JEFF / PLUMBER
(to Clara)
Honey. This is Cameron. He’s a
homo. And he’s married.
CAMERON
(to Clara)
Hi.
CLARA
Hi.
JEFF / PLUMBER
You’re sleeping with my cousin!
CLARA
Are you drunk?
JEFF / PLUMBER
I used to be drunk on my love for
you. But now I’m just drunk on the
whiskey Jebediah gave me.
CAMERON
Um. I’m Cameron. Remember?
24.
CLARA
(to Jeff)
What makes you think that I’m
sleeping with Tony?
JEFF / PLUMBER
I wasn’t talking about Tony. I was
talking about John.
CLARA
What makes you think I’m sleeping
with John?
JEFF / PLUMBER
You both like that movie. The one
with that bearded guy. The funny
guy with the beard. You know that
movie.
CLARA
The Hangover?
JEFF / PLUMBER
Yeah. You were both watching it and
laughing. As in, "Ha ha ha. We’re
sleeping together."
CLARA
Honey. I’m not sleeping with him. I
love you. You mean everything to
me.
JEFF / PLUMBER
The Hangover isn’t even that good.
CLARA
Well. It’s pretty good.
JEFF / PLUMBER
Yeah. It’s pretty good. But it’s
not that good. There are some funny
parts, though. I like the bearded
guy. And the Chinaman. And that
black guy. The boxer.
Cameron drinks some whiskey straight out of the bottle,
which is almost empty by now.
JEFF / PLUMBER
So you’re not sleeping with John?
25.
CLARA
No.
JEFF / PLUMBER
Or Tony?
CLARA
Or Tony.
JEFF / PLUMBER
(points to Cameron)
Or this homo?
CLARA
I don’t even know this homo.
Honey--I only have eyes for you.
(to Cameron)
He’s the jealous type. This happens
every month or so.
CAMERON
Ah.
Cameron drinks some more whiskey out of the bottle.
JEFF / PLUMBER
I love you, Clara. Come here.
They kiss very romantically, and don’t stop.
CAMERON
Um. I’ll just leave you alone for a
minute or two.
He closes the door.
CAMERON
Feel free to fix the toilet when
you’re done.
INT. MITCH & CAMERON’S HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT
Cameron is sitting on the sofa and has the whiskey bottle in
his hand.
Mitch walks in.
MITCH
So. What happened with the plumber?
26.
CAMERON
You missed the make up scene.
MITCH
The make up scene?
CAMERON
Yeah. Clara dropped by.
MITCH
Who’s Clara?
CAMERON
Jeff’s wife.
MITCH
Who’s Jeff?
CAMERON
Jeff is the plumber, Clara is his
wife, and Jehosophat is his
plunger. And it turns out that
Clara wasn’t sleeping with John. Or
Tony. Or this homo.
MITCH
Are you talking about Days of Our
Lives?
CAMERON
No. Days of our bathroom.
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKE’S ROOM) - NIGHT
Jay is on the phone with Gloria.
JAY
Hey, honey. I’m done with my
quality time. I won 17-14 in
overtime. I might’ve cheated,
though.
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKE’S ROOM) - NIGHT
(Earlier / Flashback)
Jay knocks the controller out of Luke’s hand.
LUKE
Hey!
27.
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LUKE’S ROOM) - NIGHT
GLORIA (V.O.)
Oh.
JAY
Is that guy still flirting with
you?
INT. CAR - NIGHT
GLORIA
No. I’m on my way home.
(Back and forth between the Car and Luke’s Room)
JAY
You know, I’m kind of in the mood
to have it out with him now. Did
you get his license plate number or
anything?
GLORIA
I don’t think he’s old enough to
drive. Jay--let me ask you
something. Do you want to hear
about how my day was?
JAY
Absolutely.
GLORIA
Do you want to hear it in my voice?
JAY
I want to hear everything in your
voice. I don’t understand half of
what you’re saying, but I like the
sound of it all.
INT. DUNPHY HOME (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT
Phil is alone. His easel is turned so the canvas is facing a
wall.
PHIL
(announcing to the rest of the
home)
Everyone come here! It’s time for
the art exhibit!
Claire and Haley come in from the kitchen.
28.
Luke and Jay come down the stairs.
JAY
This should be interesting.
Alex walks in through the front door.
PHIL
Alex. Perfect timing.
ALEX
Um. What did I miss?
CLAIRE
Long story.
HALEY
(to Alex)
Short version: dad’s insane.
LUKE
But only because he’s in sanity.
CLAIRE
Oh. And he’s adding full-ment to
Phil. Don’t forget that part.
ALEX
OK. That explains nothing.
PHIL
(addressing everyone)
OK, guys. I know I’ve been acting a
little weird today.
JAY
No weirder than usual.
PHIL
I just--I realized that I wanted to
do more than sell homes. Or do
magic. I mean, I’m not abandoning
real estate. Or magic. Or being a
gigolo. But anyways. Without
further ado. Here it is.
He turns around the easel and reveals the painting. (It
still remains concealed to the TV viewer.)
HALEY
That’s... good.
29.
ALEX
I’m still not clear on what’s going
on right now. What exactly is
full-ment?
CLAIRE
(to Phil)
(referring to painting)
I like it. I mean, I also like it
when you sell $4 million in homes
per day. But it’s a nice painting.
JAY
I gotta say. It’s a great painting.
PHIL
Do you mean, it, Jay?
JAY
Absolutely. You know what? I’d be
honored if you’d let me buy it, and
hang it in my home. Now, I can’t
give you $4 million for it.
PHIL
How about 3.9 million?
JAY
Sold. Send me the bill.
CLAIRE
(to Phil)
Wow. You’re really on a roll,
honey. That brings you up to $7.9
million for the day. Go sell
something else.
Jay grabs the painting and walks towards the door.
JAY
Alex. Open the door for me.
Alex opens it.
Jay walks out with the painting.
ALEX
Hm. So. What’s for dinner?
HALEY
Spaghetti!