Oct. 16, 2015 Volume 5, Issue 5

tion

…bringing awareness

The Memory People Page

For this month’s issue of The Memory People Page, we have an interview with one of our Mp members,

Karen Downing. Karen walked this journey of dementia with her

husband, Bud.

In this interview she shares how they faced his

diagnosis of Alzheimer’s, together.

Karen, how did dementia come into your lives?

My husband, Bud, was teaching 6th grade when he began telling me things confused him in his class. He was 60. He said he would start to teach how to work a problem but

then couldn't remember how to finish it. He had trouble remembering his class schedule and when he was in the wrong place would just sit there in an empty room

because he couldn't figure out what to do. I was alarmed but he assured me it was just stress and he took early retirement.

Instead of improving after his retirement, things got worse. Because I was working full time, he wanted to help me by paying the bills.

He couldn't remember where to sign the check nor could he remember which corner of an envelope to put the stamp on. 6 months later he reluctantly agreed to see his Dr.

6 months after that, after rounds of testing to eliminate anything else, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease.

changing lives…

How did you both handle the news?

Did either one of you, or both,

struggle with denial?

The diagnosis of Alzheimer's was a relief

for me. I'd known for two years

something was very wrong, but Bud

insisted I was just exaggerating his

problems. I felt like now that we knew

why he was acting the way he was we

could make a plan for dealing with it. It

was the unknown that was hard for me.

Bud, on the other hand, was

devastated. He insisted it wasn't that

bad and forbid me to tell anyone, even

our children.

Oct. 16, 2015 Volume 5, Issue 5

We'd always been honest with each other and I wasn't comfortable going behind his back so I kept it to myself. I recently found a note he'd written in that time period.

In it, he said, "The dr. says I have Alzheimer's but I don't feel like there's much

wrong, I don't think it will get really bad for another 20 or even 40 years."

The stress for me was terrible, feeling I couldn't share with anyone. How I wish I'd had Memory People then! In time people began to notice and ask me what was wrong and I answered their questions honestly, getting Bud's permission to

tell our kids first.

It took several years for him to be willing to say anything but a few times he admitted it in answer to someone's question. One time was when a neighbor asked how old he was and Bud answered "I don't know."

The neighbor accused him of not wanting to tell and Bud replied, "I really don't

know because I have Alzheimer's". Poor neighbor was so embarrassed! But that was a big step forward for Bud in acceptance.

Karen, how was Bud able to get his heart wrapped around what was happening? And what was the impact on you, when he did come to acceptance of this?

Bud's first reaction was that he must have done something terrible to disqualify

himself from ministry and that God had put him on a shelf. I reminded him that he had told God he would allow God to use him (Bud) in whatever way God wanted.

We talked long about how Bud's desire was for his life to be used to bring others

to Christ and that if our friends and family watched us deal with the most terrible of circumstances with still a smile on our faces, a song in our hearts and still praising God, that might speak to them in a way we could not do if our lives never

had any problems.

That was what made the difference in him being able to accept it. This also made him realize that if we were going to be a testimony to others through this that we had to be very transparent in sharing everything that was happening.

He told me to share anything I thought would help anyone else. Once he realized

God could use his illness for good he found peace with it. And his peace of course helped me.

Oct. 16, 2015 Volume 5, Issue 5

One last question. If you were asked to give one piece of advice to others

who are in this journey, what would that be? That one is almost easy because it's something I've thought about often. Find

something to be thankful for every day.

Even on the worst days there is always something to be thankful for. Don't waste time thinking about what your loved one can't do any more. Enjoy what they can do. At the end of his life all Bud could do was smile, but I treasured that smile.

Bud Downing was set free from Alzheimer’s Disease on July 9th, 2015 ♥

Karen, you have shared that many have asked ‘how are you doing’…

I find that a hard question to answer. When I think of the parting from the one I

loved from the first time I met him, nearly 51 years ago now, the one I loved for

better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death did us part, I

feel like my heart has been ripped out.

And yet, love means wanting the best for the loved one, so how can I not rejoice to

think of what he is experiencing in heaven? And I do not feel as overcome with grief

as I expected I would.

I have been re-reading a book written by a dear friend at the time of the death of her

son. It lists different symptoms of grief: loss of appetite, lack of sleep, worn out with

crying, fear, depression, numbness, loss of joy. I am not experiencing any of those

now.

But these symptoms very much describe the way both Bud and I reacted to his

diagnosis with Alzheimer's Disease. We went through a period of grieving for what

we knew we would lose, followed by coming to acceptance and finding much joy in

each day.

I went through these stages of grief again when I had to place Bud in a nursing

home. I experienced then what most widows experience for the first time at the

death of their husband; knowing we would never take a trip together again, reaching

for him in the night and finding an empty spot, waking up in the morning without him

there.

Once again grieving was followed by adjustment to a new normal. So, I believe my

grieving now is lessened because it had already started in the past. I think this is

true for our children as well as they have lost their dad in stages.

I shed tears every day but I am not consumed by crying as I was at the previous

times of grieving. I feel sad but I am not consumed by sadness and I find many

reasons to rejoice each day.

Our last question. If you were asked to give one piece of advice to others

who are in this journey, what would that be?

That one's almost easy because it's something I've thought about often. Find

something to be thankful for, every day.

Oct. 16, 2015 Volume 5, Issue 5

The Memory People Page™ is a publication of Memory People, Inc., an Alzheimer’s/Dementia and Memory Impairment

Support and Service Organization. If you would like to start receiving this newsletter, to submit a story, or contact the editor,

please email Leeanne Chames at memorypeople2010@gmail.com

If you or a loved one has been touched by any type of dementia or memory impairment, if you are an advocate, or if you want to know more about dementia, please join us for 24/7

support and awareness at Memory People Online, on Facebook.

“…bringing Awareness, changing lives…”

Copyright ©2015 Memory People, Inc.

Even on the worst days there is always

something to be thankful for. Don't waste

time thinking about what your loved one

can't do any more.

Enjoy what they can do. At the end of his

life all Bud could do was smile, but I

treasured that smile.

Thank you, Karen, for your candidness and

openness in sharing your story with us. ♥

Pick your battles. Remember, the three most important things:

Are they Safe?

Are they Pain Free?

Are they Content?

If you can say yes to these three things, you are doing the very best you can. Some

days you will and can do more, some days you will be lucky to answer yes to any of

those three questions.

Take one day at a time. Do the very best you are able to, to take care of your loved

one. And know when it is time to ask for help. Sooner or later you will need help.

The Caregiver Corner