Marriage 101 - · PDF fileThe biblical principles that are the foundation of Marriage 101 are ... Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, ... Love never dies

Marriage 101

FACILITATOR’S GUIDE

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Dear Friend,

Welcome to our Marriage 101 Course.

Do you believe it’s possible to take your marriage to the next level? This course will provide you with the tools to make that happen, regardless of where you currently find yourself.

The biblical principles that are the foundation of Marriage 101 are relevant whether your marriage is currently in crisis or if you’re looking to make a great marriage even better.

Over the next five weeks we’ll be looking at the topics of Purpose, Partnership, Peace, Perseverance, and Passion. Each session will contain a video relating to the topic, with an opportunity to discuss what you’ve watched and a practical application for you to take home to apply to your marriage.

We’re passionate about seeing couples build strong marriages that are Christ-centred, and believe this course will help empower you to see that become a reality.

Enjoy!

Gary & Cathy Clarke Lead Pastors Hillsong Church UK

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Contents

2 Introduction

5 Week 1: Purpose “GOD’S INTENT FOR MARRIAGE”

13 Week 2: Partnership “GROWING IN LOVE”

23 Week 3: Peace “EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION”

31 Week 4: Perseverance “OVERCOMING CHALLENGES”

39 Week 5: Passion “KEEPING THE FLAME ALIVE”

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“…From the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’

And he said, ‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother

and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’

Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart

what God has joined together.”MATTHEW 19: 4-6 NLT

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1Week 1: Purpose“GOD’S INTENT FOR MARRIAGE”

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Week 1: Purpose“GOD’S INTENT FOR MARRIAGE”

SUMMARY

To help people see that God has a purpose for every marriage.

GOAL

For every couple to discover a strong sense of purpose in their marriage, through a conversation around common goals and shared vision.

INTRODUCTION

Welcome to Week 1 of the Marriage Course. We’re excited that you’re here with us for the start of something that we believe can help every marriage move forward. Each session we’re going to be watching a video discussion hosted by Kris Mikkelson and Dan Watson – two pastors in the life of our church – who are talking with Gio and Julie Galanti, a couple who met in church and have been married for 18 years, and now have two children. Before we get into that we want to find out who we have in the room.

ICE-BREAKER [10 MINUTES]

Each couple introduces themselves, how long they’ve been married and in one minute the story of how they first met and got together.

Some great stories there. We’re now going to watch our first video with Gio and Julie. Jesus, speaking in Matthew 19:6, quotes from the first book in the Bible, Genesis, to remind us that it is God who joins two people together in marriage. Through this, we see that marriage is more than just a good idea it’s a God idea, and it is in this truth that we find a foundation on which to build a marriage with purpose.

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[Session 1 video]


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GROUP DISCUSSION

Some great thoughts there from Gio and Julie, let’s carry on the conversation by asking:

• What were people’s initial thoughts of what was discussed? Was there anything in particular that stood out to you?

• If marriage is a God idea, our relationship is at it’s strongest when Jesus is at the centre. What does this look like practically?

• Gio talked about the concept of marriage being like a “divine synergy” where the strength of two is much more than the sum of the two individual parts (see Deuteronomy 32:30). How can a shared vision help two different individuals build a strong marriage?

COUPLES DISCUSSION

OK, we’re going to get into couples now and talk through the following – don’t worry, we’re not going to ask you to feedback on what you’ve discussed! • From what’s been talked about tonight what’s been the single thing

that has stood out to me personally (i.e. not the single thing that has stood to me about my spouse!)

• What is one practical thing that each of us can bring to the marriage that sees God honoured at the centre of our relationship?

• What are our biggest differences as individuals, and how could we see these differences become something that strengthens our relationship. How important is a shared vision in making this happen?

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APPLICATION: DISCUSS

Each week we’re going to send you home with a practical application. This week, we’ve been talking about how God has an intent for every marriage and we’d like you to simply set time aside this week to have a conversation between just the two of you to discuss the purpose of your marriage.

Firstly, discuss and determine a shared vision for your marriage. If you’ve already put this in place, then feel free to revisit this.

Secondly, we also talked about building a life with God at the centre. With that in mind, establish and set a common goal for the next 12 months in each of the four sections of the circle below, which highlights four key areas of life.

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Notes


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Notes


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“Love never gives up.Love cares more for others than for self.Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.

Love doesn’t strut,Doesn’t have a swelled head,Doesn’t force itself on others,

Isn’t always “me first,”Doesn’t fly off the handle,

Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,Doesn’t revel when others grovel,

Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,Puts up with anything,

Trusts God always,Always looks for the best,

Never looks back,But keeps going to the end.

Love never dies.”1 CORINTHIANS 13 MSG

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2Week 2: Partnership“GROWING IN LOVE”

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Week 2: Partnership“GROWING IN LOVE”

SUMMARY

To equip married couples with ways to foster, strengthen and grow their relationship.

GOAL

For couples to understand that they can grow in their relationship with each other, so that it can last a lifetime.

INTRODUCTION

Welcome to Week 2 of the Marriage Course. Last week, we saw that God has a purpose for marriage. In the take-home, we set time aside as a couple to discuss and determine what our shared vision is and to talk about specific goals around four keys areas of life.

ICE-BREAKER 10MINS

Each couple take one minute to introduce when and how they first fell in love with one another.

Some great stories from people talking about those feelings that we can experience when we first fall in love. Rather than those moments being the highlights that we look back on, today we’re talking about growing in love where those moments are just the beginning of building a great partnership with your spouse.

Hollywood paints a picture of love that is not always entirely accurate, however when we turn to the Bible we can discover a wealth of truth for what it means to grow in love. In 1 Corinthians 13, Paul describes what mature love looks like and how God has demonstrated His love towards us in Christ. As people who have received this love, it should be clearly evident in our relationships with others. The partnership of marriage represents the greatest opportunity to demonstrate what this love looks like. Let’s check out this week’s video…

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[Session 2 video]


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GROUP DISCUSSION

Some great thoughts there from Gio and Julie.

Let’s carry on the conversation by asking:

• What was everyone’s stand out thought from this week’s video?

• What are some of the stereotypes of how Hollywood depicts love and how can that place an unfair expectation on people when it comes to relationships?

• In the video, the statement is made that love is also an action and a decision, not always just a feeling. Discuss.

• The guys seemed to have different perspectives on Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages. What’s your view?

COUPLES DISCUSSION

OK, we’re going to get into couples now and talk through the following – don’t worry, we’re not going to ask you to feedback on what you’ve discussed!

• In a marriage context we can sometimes fall into the trap of magnifying the negative things and minimising the positives. In what ways have you changed as individuals for the good, during the course of your marriage so far?

• In what way does God’s love define our partnership. For example, His love is patient and kind, and keeps no record of wrongs. How can we move forward in this area as individuals so that our partnership can continue to grow in love?

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APPLICATION: DRINK

This week we talked about Partnership and how we can grow in love. Unlike the culture around us – whose definition of love can be so superficial, which is here one day, gone the next – God is calling us to a far deeper expression of love. A love that mirrors His perfect love for us, a love that seeks to give rather than get.

This week’s take-home is a night out over drinks, with the goal being to discover how we can better serve one another in love. Using 1 Corinthians 13 and the Five Love Languages as a guide, ask each other this question:

“What’s the single best way that I can express my love for you that would have the greatest effect on our marriage?”

It’s important when answering this question to ensure a practical example is given, to enable the person to fully understand where you’re coming from.

Enjoy your night together!

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THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES(ACCORDING TO GARY CHAPMAN)

1. WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

Some people like to hear words rather than actions to fill their ‘love tank’. They value hearing words of praise or compliments. The phrase “I love you” has a powerful impact.

2. QUALITY TIME

For some people, spending time with their spouse is their preferred love language. This can be a quiet dinner together, a long walk or simply a night in (without the T.V. on!). The key is that the spouse receives undivided attention with no distractions, which makes them feel loved and valued.

3. RECEIVING GIFTS

While we all enjoy receiving presents to some extent, some people are especially touched by meaningful and thoughtful gifts. Often, it is the thought or effort put into the gift – the ‘personal touch’ – that is more important than its material value.

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4. ACTS OF SERVICE

Some people see acts of service as the greatest expression of love. They like to see that their spouse cares about them and wants to make their life easier. They feel deeply valued, especially when the spouse has taken the initiative and the act of service has not been specifically requested.

5. PHYSICAL TOUCH

The language of physical touch refers to the whole range of physical contacts, from the bedroom to everyday hugs and a hand on the shoulder. Every touch reminds them that they are loved and valued.

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Notes


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Notes


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“Watch the way you talk… Say only what helps, each word a gift.”

EPHESIANS 4:29 MSG

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3Week 3: Peace“THE REWARD OF EFFECTIVE

COMMUNICATION”

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Week 3: Peace“THE REWARD OF EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION”

SUMMARY

Highlighting the importance of communication and for couples to be given an opportunity to discover how they can grow in this area.

GOAL

To help married couples improve their communication skills with one another and to establish a greater sense of peace in every situation.

IntroductionWelcome to Week 3 of Marriage 101. So far, we’ve covered Purpose and Partnership and this week we’re looking at establishing Peace in our relationship through great communication. Before we get into the nitty gritty of tonight’s topic, we want to reminisce on something linked to communication: the story of how you got engaged. How was the wedding proposal communicated and how was it received?

ICE-BREAKER (10 MINUTES)

Effective communication is vital to every relationship, and effects every single area of our marriages. We communicate through spoken words, but can also include body language and gestures, tone of voice and even texts and emails. The way we relate and the overall quality of our relationship boils down to how well we communicate with each.

However, the way in which we communicate as individuals is vastly different. For example, according to studies men speak on average 7,000 words a day, whilst women speak 20,000. When it comes to problem solving this may reveal why men can be more focused on just fixing the issue, whilst generally speaking women can find that simply talking about the problem is an answer in itself. Although differences such as these can create tensions between two people, the reward for learning to communicate with one another effectively can bring an incredible sense of peace into your marriage.

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Let’s hear what Gio and Julie have to say on this as they chat with Kris and Dan.

[Session 3 video]


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GROUP DISCUSSION

Lots of gold there!

Let’s carry on the conversation now by asking:

• Of all the things talked about tonight, what stood out to you personally?

• The thought came out during the discussion that in terms of effective communication quality is more important than quantity. What does quality communication look like to you?

• Julie talked about the need to have great friendships in order to have a healthy marriage. Discuss how this connection works.

• In Ephesians 4:29 Paul teaches us to say only what helps, each word being a gift. How is time spent with God linked to us having a greater sensitivity when it comes to communicating with one another.

COUPLES DISCUSSION

• Gio and Julie talked about their differences when it comes to communication. He has learnt to be more present in conversations, whilst she has learnt how to pick her moments. What lessons have you learnt and what could you learn for the future?

• In terms of quality communication, what plans can we make in our day-to-day lives to ensure this takes place?

• Gio mentioned that building effective communication in marriage simply comes down to being generous. He referenced seeking to understand rather than being understood. How can we see this become a reality in our marriage?

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APPLICATION: DINNER

This week we have considered how effective communication can strengthen a marriage. Through generosity we seek to understand rather than being understood and in this way we place the other person first.

Our take-home for this week is to plan a night out for dinner, or a meal of your choice and take a few moments to discuss the one thing that you’re going to apply from this week’s topic of establishing Peace, the reward of effective communication.

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Notes


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Notes


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“Always be humble and gentle.Be patient with each other,

making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.”

EPHESIANS 4:2 NLT

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4Week 4: Patience “OVERCOMING CONFLICT”

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Week 4: Patience “OVERCOMING CONFLICT”

SUMMARY

To discuss the topic of overcoming conflict and for couples to discover how they can grow in this area.

GOAL

To empower couples with the tools to overcome the challenges they may face, so that their relationship will move from strength to strength.

INTRODUCTION

Welcome to Week 4 of the Marriage 101. Over the last few weeks we have looked at three different areas of marriage including: Purpose (God’s intent for marriage); Partnership (Growing in love); and in the last session we discussed the topic of Peace (The reward of effective communication) which is vital to a healthy marriage. In the session today, we are discussing the topic of Patience and how we can overcome conflict. y the end of this session, we will discover some of the tools that can arm us to withstand any challenge that we may face in marriage. Before we get into this topic – without making this personal to your relationship – let’s start by having a quick brainstorm of the BIG issues that can typically bring conflict into any marriage. Why do you think these issues can be so contentious?

ICE-BREAKER: [5 MINS] In Ephesians 4:2 the Bible encourages us to be patient with one another and make allowances for one another’s faults. Most marital conflicts arise from differing expectations but when we align our expectations in scripture then this can be the great foundation for overcoming conflict. What would our marriages look like if we seasoned them with grace and through patience, made allowances for one another’s faults? With this is mind, let’s check out this week’s video and see what Gio and Julie have got to say.

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[Session 4 video]


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GROUP DISCUSSION

So that’s this week’s Topic video. Let’s carry on the conversation as usual by asking:

• What are your thoughts on what was discussed this week? What specifically stood out to you in the way Gio and Julie deal with conflict?

• A sign of a healthy marriage is not the absence of conflict but dealing with it appropriately. What part does patience play in our relationship and how can we resolve conflict, whilst at the same time ensuring that love, dignity and respect remains intact?

• Brian Houston once received some advice which has helped him greatly through life: ‘Never develop a wounded spirit.’ Passive-aggressive behaviour, where one or both parties bottle up anger and bitterness in their heart can be very destructive, particularly in a marriage. What role does forgiveness play and how can we keep ourselves from developing a wounded spirit?

• Gio mentioned that the worst place we can find ourselves in marriage is just abiding under the same roof, functioning like a brother and a sister. How do we keep the romance alive in our marriage and ensure this doesn’t happen?

• Submission means to place yourself under the authority of another and Julie spoke of how she believes God blesses her when she ultimately submits herself to Gio. How can having a biblical understanding of marital roles (see Ephesians 5) help us move forward when it comes to the topic of overcoming conflict?

• Raising a family can add new pressures to a marriage relationship. Can you give some examples? Someone once said that the best thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother. How can we keep our relationship with our spouse healthy when we are experiencing the demands of parenthood?

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• When it comes to marriage, Gary Clarke has spoken about the need to have great friends around you both, rather than a couple becoming an island unto themselves where their spouse is their “best friend”. How important is it for both parties to have great friendship to talk things through with so that we don’t dump things on our spouses?

APPLICATION: DAY OUT

This week, we have discussed the various challenges that can arise in marriage and have considered how we can best overcome conflict and continue to construct a better future for our marriages.

Kris mentioned in the video that after a long week he and Kalleigh will sometimes do something fun or relaxing together like watching a movie. One of the keys to overcoming conflict is to enjoy the journey together and create fun moments in your marriage. This alone can help us through some of the tougher moments that marriage can present. Our take-home for this week is for you as a couple to determine some mutual activity that you could both just relax and enjoy – with no agenda other than to have a great time. Simply take time to set aside a day when you can both do this and make it happen.

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Notes


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“You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride.

You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes,

with a single jewel of your necklace. Your love delights me, my treasure, my bride.

Your love is better than wine, your perfume more fragrant than spices.”

SONG OF SOLOMON 4:9-10 NLT

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5Week 5: Passion “KEEPING THE FLAME ALIVE”

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Week 5: Passion “KEEPING THE FLAME ALIVE”

SUMMARY

To help couples build a long-lasting and satisfying marriage.

GOAL

For couples to be inspired to build a marriage that stands the test of time.

INTRODUCTION

Welcome to the final week of Marriage 101. Over the last four weeks we have covered building Purpose, Partnership, Peace, Patience and tonight is our final topic of Passion. I know, you can’t wait for this one! Before we go there, with this being our last week we want to briefly look back at the last four weeks and – without getting too personal – take a moment to find out what the highlights have been. Whatare some of the principles that you’ve learnt or that have been re-emphasised to you, and how do you think your marriage can be impacted in a positive way by this course?

ICE-BREAKER (10 MINS)

As we come to the end of our course, we want to focus our final week on how to maintain a healthy marriage, and see it grow from strength to strength. According to the latest statistics, 42% of marriages in the UK end in divorce, with just 16% of all marriages reaching their 60th wedding anniversary.

In this week’s topic of passion, we want to look at the role of intimacy and find ways to ‘future-proof’ our marriage in such a way that the relationship remains healthy, vital and flourishing.

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Let’s join our panel again where Kris and Dan are in conversation with Gio and Julie about keeping the flame alive.

[Session 5 video]


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GROUP DISCUSSION

So, that was our final video on Passion. I’m hoping that what we’ve seen there is going to spark some passionate response as we continue that conversation.

Let’s start by asking:

• Without getting too personal, what in particular stood out to you from the video?

• One of Gio’s comments was to put the onus on as individuals “to stay interesting and look after yourself by not letting yourself go.” What challenges does this present and how are you inspired to apply this principle?

• When it comes to temptations that couples can face in a marriage, the acronym H.A.L.T. (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired) underlines the times when we can be most vulnerable to making unwise decisions that can potentially put our marriage at risk. What boundaries can couples put in place to ensure that their marriage is safeguarded?

• Psalm 92:13 says that those planted in the house of God shall flourish. What impact does it have on a marriage when both partners put church at the centre of their relationship.

COUPLES DISCUSSION

• Romance is only one aspect of the love relationship of a marriage, but it plays a key role in bringing pleasure, enjoyment and satisfaction. In what ways can you keep the flame of romance burning in your marriage?

• When it comes to sex, the panel highlight how the foundation of great sex is an emotional connection, particularly from a woman’s perspective. How is it as a couple that we can be more emotionally connected?

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• Julie made the point beautifully in the video how both her and Gio’s needs are met by Jesus Christ, and they therefore don’t come to the relationship as needy people, needing their needs met by one another. In Gio and Julie’s case, personal devotion is key to this, perhaps more than praying together on a consistent basis. How do you currently find God meeting your needs as individuals, and how are you encouraged to seeing him working more in your relationship with one another?

• “Your marriage is in your hands. You can live in a shack or you can live in a mansion.” How inspired are you to see your marriage move further forward, and what can we as individuals bring to our relationship to see it become the best it can be?

APPLICATION: DREAMY WEEKEND

On this final week, we talked about passion and keeping the flame alive. For our final take-home of the five weeks, we want you to go away and plan a romantic weekend away together, with no other agenda other than to “emotionally connect with one another” and have a great time. A word of advice, firstly, please ensure that the destination of your weekend away is appropriate to your budget. This may mean planning the trip months in advance in order to save up, rather than unwisely placing it all on a credit card to be paid sometime in the distant future.

Secondly, it almost goes without saying that getting back from your weekend in time for a church service on a Sunday is essential. After all, the whole intent of Marriage 101 is to equip you as individuals to live a life with Christ at the centre of your marriage, and consistency in your role in the life of church is a key component of how this looks.

That’s it!

Enjoy the planning of your weekend away, and if you’ve enjoyed being a part of it, why not consider recommending it to other married OR perhaps even running a course in the next terms of Groups?


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Documents

Marriage 101 - · PDF fileThe biblical principles that are the foundation of Marriage 101 are ... Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, ... Love never dies