MARCH 2015 - jhsf.orgjhsf.org/pdf/atHome-03-15.pdf · the mayonnaise jar – and the beer. A professor stood before his philosophy class. In front of him were some items. Without

for residents of the jewish home of san francisco

MARCH 2015

Get primped up and primed for Purimspiel.Enjoy the story, the songs and the hamantaschen.

Goodman Building lobby ~ 2:00 p.m., Thursday, March 5

JEWISH HOME SAN FRANCISCO1

AT HOME contents are for the benefit of residents of the Jewish Home. At Home is based on the tradition of free expression; submissions made by residents should be viewed as not necessarily representing the opinion, position or policies of the Home.

EDITING without approval of the author is a reserved right, due to space and time constraints. Only content written or submitted by those connected with the Home will be accepted.

SUBMIT TO AT HOME!E-mail submissions by the 15th:Ilana Glaun: [email protected]

HANDWRITTEN SUBMISSIONS to staff or switchboard by the 15th, or ask recreation staff for assistance.

staff editor: Ilana Glaundesigner: Michael Wicklerphotographers: Daniel Hoebeke Gary Tanner Michael Wickler

2 MEMORIES All in a day’s work Rudy Hooremans

3 QUOTES TO LIVE BY Courtesy of Phyllis Wolf

4 THE RED DRESS WHY I WISHED I WAS A DOG Bernice Hunold

5 THE CREATIVE SPIRIT AND SPARK Ellen Marks-Hinkle

5 FACES Edie Shaffer

6 GOLF BALLS AND BEER Submitted by Edie Sadewitz

7 HAPPENINGS AT HOME Sweethearts’ Day

8 THE TRADITION LIVES – AND LAUGHS – ON Performers Gene Wilder and Jackie Mason talk about their start in show biz.

10 HAPPENINGS AT HOME Celebrating Tu B’Shvat Flair, fun, and finesse

12 COUNCIL OF RESIDENTS December 2014, January and February 2015 meeting minutes

15 IN MEMORY

16 WIT & HUMOR Seeing the funny (Jewish) side of life

18 RESIDENTS’ BIRTHDAYS March celebrants

CONTENTS MARCH 2015

AT HOME MARCH 20152

ALL IN A DAY’S WORK

ADAPTED FROM MEMORIES

By Rudy Hooremans

The pay was very low at my job at the Central Bureau of Statistics. When I mentioned that to Oom Jaap while both he and I were visiting his sister Marie Dribbel in Amsterdam, they told me to get in touch with Marie’s cousin, Murray Poons, who lived in The Hague. I did so, and we had a discussion about what I could do. Besides the gathering of statistics, I had no real skills. I had gone to my old high school and spoken with the principal, Meneer Mulder. He told me that, for Jewish students who missed graduating but who were qualified, the government had arranged that they receive an equivalency diploma. I filled out all the papers, Meneer Mulder wrote his recommendation, and I received my diploma. Now I started to take typing lessons and took up stenography.

Some time later I received a call from Meneer Poons. He had made arrangements for a job for me with a firm in Rotterdam. A. de Hoop & Co. was a factory that repaired electric motors for industry, mostly the shipping sector. The motors varied in size from that of a hand to a giant 12-foot diameter dynamo. I met with Meneer de Hoop and he offered me a job as a timekeeper, at double the salary I had been getting at my current job. This meant that I would go from 12 guilders and 50 cents (about $5) per month to 25 guilders. I accepted the offer.

Soon (this was somewhere in the middle of spring 1946) I found myself going south from the Holland Rail Station for the half-hour ride to Rotterdam. There, on the station square, I rented a space in a small bicycle storage shack and then headed south through the streets until I came to the Maas River tunnel. There is a main tunnel that accommodates auto and truck travel, and nearby, the double-decker tunnel for bicycles and pedestrians. A long escalator takes you down from the street level to the bicycle tunnel and a stairway from there down to the pedestrian level. Most people manage quite well with their bicycles on the escalator. When occasionally a cycle gets away from the owner’s grip, there are always plenty of people who come to the rescue. I remember witnessing a rather comical event, to us bystanders, at least. A farmer’s woman, in traditional dress – a colorful, voluminous skirt over several white petticoats – apparently tired from her day’s work, sat down on the escalator. Before she realized they were coming to the top, the closing steps grabbed her skirt and ripped it right off. Luckily she didn’t get hurt, just quite startled and embarrassed.

Coming out of the tunnel on the south bank of the river I only had a two- or three-minute ride to the de Hoop factory. I and two girls, Jopie Romein and Ini van der Wal, were located in a little office in the front of the factory with a large window overlooking it. Each project was given a number. The workman who was assigned to it would come to the service window, state the number and we would make up a work card for him, stamping the starting time on it. He would bring the card back when his work was

Rudy Hooremans

RESIDENTSWRITE


finished or interrupted for another assignment, and the card would then be time-stamped again, thus making it possible to calculate the number of hours worked on each project and determining the final cost to the client.

As they came in, each workman had to stamp his personnel card in the time clock. Fifteen minutes past starting time we had to take in the card racks, verify the presence or absence of the crew, and then hang the racks out again before quitting time. Once a week we would gather the timecards, bring them up to the payroll department where the clerks would calculate the hours worked and the earned pay. Penalty for lateness was calculated in tenths of an hour.

Many of the workmen came across the river with one of the ferries, and whenever there was fog the ferry would arrive late. We would take this into account and write in the standard starting time, so that the men would not lose money for an event beyond their control. There was one man, though, who was perpetually late and tried to blame it on fog. I signed his card a few times, but told him he couldn’t fool us since he was the only one coming in late. I warned him, but to no avail, that I would have to send him to the plant superintendent, Meneer Koster, and that after three times he would get fired. Unfortunately, that was exactly the outcome.

Read more about Rudy’s work and personal memories in the next issue of At Home.

QUOTES TO LIVE BYCourtesy of Phyllis Wolf

“I’m always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it.”

– Pablo Picasso, Spanish painter, sculptor, poet and playwright; 1881–1973

“There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that’s your own self.”

– Aldous Huxley, English writer and philosopher; 1894–1963

“The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved.”

– Victor Hugo, French poet, novelist and dramatist of the Romantic movement;

1802–1885

“We don’t make mistakes, we just have learnings.”

– Anne Wilson Schaef, author, spiritual teacher and healer

Phyllis Wolf

AT HOME MARCH 20154

THE RED DRESSBy Bernice Hunold

When I first met my husband, Ray, I was wearing a red Chinese-style dress, size 12. I discarded it when we left New York to live in San Francisco. At least I thought I did.

When I unpacked my clothes in San Francisco, by some magic there was the red dress.

“Now how did that get here?” I asked Ray.

“Hey, honey,” he said, “that’s the dress you wore when I first saw you. It was love at first sight for me. The dress is a part of that moment. Never let it go.”

I recalled this conversation 42 years later, when I was 89. If you opened my closet door at that time, you would see a red Chinese-style dress still hanging there. It would have a place in my closet as long as I have a closet … and life.

WHY I WISHED I WAS A DOGBy Bernice Hunold

When I was about five years old, I wished I was a dog. We had a dog then. His name was Pal. Pal was a German shepherd. I loved him a lot, and so did my mother.

Pal was a faster runner than me. But that isn’t why I wished I was a dog.

Pal was a faster finder when we played hide-and-seek. But that isn’t why either.

Pal was big and strong, but that isn’t the reason.

Pal was so big and strong that whenever my mother chased after me to hit me with his dog leash, Pal would dash between us. He took the lashes that were meant for me. So my mother had to stop, because she didn’t want to hit Pal. She loved Pal.

You see why I wished I was a dog?

Bernice Hunold Photo by Ray Hunold

RESIDENTSWRITE


THE CREATIVE SPIRIT AND SPARKBy Ellen Marks-Hinkle

Everyone entering our creative arts center relaxes while doing what they love most.

Gary Tanner, the creative arts director, always finds something special in each artist’s creation or design about which he will boast.

There is eclectic music to listen to, and the vibes from the playlist help all to concentrate.

In my opinion, the people who have been painting for many years – and one more recent painter – are masters of the art.

There are also a few ceramicists. Gloria Houtenbrink makes one piece after another. She is truly unstoppable and amazing!

I keep plugging along – struggling, but hoping, to achieve more pieces soon.

Paintings from other resident artists are hung throughout our halls, which tells me that there have been several generations before me at our wonderful Jewish Home.

I would love to hear the artists’ experiences and thoughts.

Ellen Marks-Hinkle

FACESBy Edie Shaffer

I’ve always had this silly curseWhenever I think, I think in verse

Now I’m thinking of different places

And along with that comes different faces

Traveling around the Jewish Home

Each face I see is yours alone

I see a frown and maybe worry

How that makes me feel so sorry

But then there comes a look of pleasure

The expression that we all would treasure

The smiling faces and the sad

Each one a story, good and bad

So many histories for thought

I wonder what you all have brought

I leave my room each day and find

More faces to intrigue my mind

Next time I pass by you will see

That I’ll be smiling happily

If you do too, then we will know

The way for happiness to grow.

Edie Shaffer

AT HOME MARCH 20156

Edie Sadewitz

GOLF BALLS AND BEERSubmitted by Edie Sadewitz

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar – and the beer.

A professor stood before his philosophy class. In front of him were some items. Without saying a word, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He again asked the students if the jar was full. They concurred it was.

A box of sand was the next thing he poured into the jar. And of course the sand filled up the spaces. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous yes.

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty spaces between the sand. The students laughed.

“Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your

life. The golf balls are the important things. Your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions – things that, if everything was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

“The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, your car.

“The sand is everything else – the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there’s no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you’ll never have room for the things that are important to you.

“Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another round of 18. There’ll always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

“Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show that, no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple beers!”


SWEETHEARTS’ DAY“Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be, the

last of life, for which the first was made.”– Robert Browning, English poet; 1812 – 1901

HAPPENINGS AT HOME

We have to do a double take. Is that Elvis, or could it be impersonator Eddie Fernandez? Eddie (aka Elvis Presley) rocked the room and serenaded our sweethearts

with Presley hits such as Love Me Tender and Can’t Help Falling in Love.

Hearts and flowers – enduring symbols of love and friendship. They come from our hearts to yours.

AT HOME MARCH 20158

“When I was 7½ or 8 years old, my mother had a heart attack. This heavy-set doctor brought her home, told her some things while she was lying in bed. Then he came out to see me. He said to me, ‘Don’t ever get angry with your mother because you might kill her.

He was not very psychologically oriented. But the other thing he said was, ‘Try to make her laugh.’ And that was a huge thing, although I didn’t realize it at the time. For the first time in my life, I tried consciously to make someone else laugh. I knew I was very successful when my mother would run to the bathroom, saying, ‘Now look what you’ve made me do.’

When you please your mother by doing something, it gives you confidence that you can please other people. I think that’s where the courage to make people laugh came from. But I didn’t want to be a comedian. I wanted to be an actor. Maybe a comic actor, but an actor. That’s what got me into acting – putting on an act, because in life, I wasn’t funny. I felt on stage or in the movies I could do whatever I wanted to. I was free.”

THE TRADITION LIVES – AND LAUGHS – ONPerformers Gene Wilder and Jackie Mason talk about who

and what inspired their start on screen and stage.

GENE WILDER


“I became attracted to comedy when I was a rabbi. I started to tell jokes in my sermons. As everybody told me how funny I was, I said to myself, I’ll try it. I also didn’t want to get up at eight o’clock in the morning.

Come the summertime, I found out that all the Jews went to the Catskill Mountains for the summer, and it would be more fun to go to the Catskills than do what I was doing. While I was there, I saw I could get a job. Everybody who was going to college was paying for tuition by working as a busboy or a waiter there. So I said I’ll do that too; it was a way to make a living. I started as a busboy, but I stunk because the dishes were very heavy to carry. They kept flopping out of my hands. The boss came over to me. He liked me because I was a character on the grounds; I was funny to the people, and everybody was enjoying me. He didn’t want to lose me altogether. He said to me, ‘Would you like to be a lifeguard?’ I said to him, ‘I’ll be honest with you. I don’t swim too good.’ ‘Do you swim at all?’ I said, ‘Very little.’ He said, ‘You don’t have to tell anybody. Nobody has to know. Keep your mouth shut.’

So I became a lifeguard. It started to become known among the guests that I couldn’t swim, and it became the big joke of the place. Everybody threatened to push me into the pool. People started to tell jokes about it: ‘Hey, my kid can’t swim. Do you want to be responsible? It’s going to be your problem if he drowns.’

They started to have amateur nights. Anybody could get up and entertain. I told all the jokes about being a lifeguard. Then I started to play other hotels. Very quickly I started to move up from the small hotels to the middle hotels to the very top hotels. By the time the season was over I was playing Grossinger’s and the Concord. In one season, I went from $25 a show to $135 a show.

I started as a Catskills comedian, and I’m proud of that because it’s a reflection of the culture and character of the Jews as a people. Jewish behavior, Jewish values, Jewish attitudes, everything about the world, is encapsulated in this kind of comedy. Comedy is only an exaggeration of the truth. Comedy doesn’t mean anything if there isn’t a basis of truth in it. Because you wouldn’t laugh at it if

you didn’t recognize yourself or your neighbor in it. I’ll tell you a secret. It doesn’t have to be profound to be funny. It doesn’t have to be original to be funny. It’s just funny. My comedy became popular because people in general identify with it. They feel that I’m basically talking about them, and I’m reflecting on their lives; it’s a kind of a mirror of their behavior. Not only that, it’s a commentary on it, an evaluation of their behavior. That’s why it becomes a kind of social or psychological commentary.

I would say I was astonished at how quickly I became a success. I didn’t really have any career ambitions when I started out. I was just having a good time.”

AT HOME MARCH 201510

HAPPENINGS AT HOMECELEBRATING TU B’SHVAT

A group of residents and a number of staff gathered in the galleria on February 4 (corresponding to the 15th of the Hebrew month of Shvat) for Tu B’Shvat – the day that marks

the beginning of a “new year” for trees. This is the season in which the earliest-blooming trees in the Land of Israel emerge from their winter sleep and begin a new fruit-bearing cycle.

“Man is a tree of the field,” as the Torah says. We are nurtured by deep roots, going as far back as Abraham and Sarah; we reach upwards to the heavens while standing firmly on the ground; and

when we do all this right, we produce fruits that benefit the world – namely, our good deeds.

Good planting and good harvesting (when the time comes). Susannah

Temko grips the handle of the shovel, Dulce Martinez gives her

best smile for the camera, and Gloria Houtenbrink proffers her fine profile.

We mark the day of Tu B’Shvat by eating fruit, particularly from the kinds that are singled out by the Torah in its praise of the bounty of the Holy Land – grapes, figs, pomegranates, olives and dates. Enjoying the fruit after the songs and tree-planting are Lillian Mishel (left) and Josephine Garnot.


FLAIR, FUN, AND FINESSEHow fitting for the fondness and fancy that infuses February!

We’re not only talking about Sweethearts’ Day that falls on February 14, but going beyond that – to the residents’ birthday luncheon for that month and the beautiful, thematically

appropriate centerpieces that decorated the tables in the Frank Family Lounge.

With thanks to the creativity and enthusiasm of recreation therapist Olga Lavault and her talented team of crafters – a group of G2 residents – hearts of different colors and patterns were cut out and affixed to branches. Recreation programs coordinator Suzy Scragg took this photo of the lovely (and lovingly

crafted) end result. We’re eager to see what these creative crafters come up with for the month of March.

Planting for the future and planting in memory of those who came before us, Dulce Martinez (left) and Gloria Houtenbrink join Rabbi Shelly Marder in the annual rooting of a new tree. This year’s variety is a fig sapling, and most apropos, as the Torah is compared to the fig. The comparison is explained thusly: Just as one constantly finds figs when one approaches the tree (since they do not all ripen at the same time, there are always some available for eating), so too will one always find a new ‘taste’ (i.e., learning and insight) in Torah study.


COUNCIL OF RESIDENTSDECEMBER 17, 2014 MEETING MINUTESCouncil vice president Dulce Martinez called the meeting to order at 2:35 p.m. and introduced the officers in attendance. Council president Edie Shaffer was unable to attend.

In the absence of Council secretary Mediatrix Valera, recreation coordinator Marnie St Clair read the minutes of the previous meeting, which were approved as read.

Dulce read the names of residents who had passed away since the last meeting.

Dulce read the names of new residents who were admitted to the Home within the last month. She added that a special effort should be made to bring new residents to Council meetings in the future.

Treasurer Claire Shor gave the financial report. There was $0 in deposits and $0 in withdrawals, leaving the balance at $198.71 in the checking account and $10 in petty cash.

The members were reminded that copies of the Residents’ Bill of Rights as well as the Theft and Loss Prevention Procedures are always available to residents, and that copies are on hand at all Council meetings. Residents were reminded that their social worker will follow up with them on the status of all missing item reports. Residents should also feel free to contact their social worker for follow-up issues.

FOOD FORUMFood Forum minutes were distributed.

OLD BUSINESSEdie Sadewitz paid her compliments on how quickly the cushions were put back on the chairs.

Edie Sadewitz complimented Activities on the new van and the excellent opera outing in November.

NEW CORRESPONDENCEL’shana tova and Chanukah cards were received from Sherie Koshover, chief advancement officer.

NEW BUSINESSBetty Spiegel commented on the excessive and unnecessary noise during meals in the K2 dining room. Marnie will speak to Elya and the IDT team about this issue.

Gloria Houtenbrink suggested that protocols need to be in place to make sure cushions in the Rosenberg Garden are brought in when it rains so that they do not get wet. Edie Sadewitz said the matter should be brought up with administrator Mark Friedlander. Suzy will follow up with Mark.

Edie Sadewitz asked why residents were not able to attend a Jewish Heritage Night at a Giants game this year; she felt it was overlooked. Suzy will follow up with Mark Friedlander.

RAFFLE WINNERBetty Spiegel was the lucky winner of this month’s raffle.

The meeting was adjourned at 2:53 p.m.

Recorded by Suzy ScraggRecreation Programs Coordinator


COUNCIL OF RESIDENTS

JANUARY 21, 2015 MEETING MINUTESCouncil president Edie Shaffer called the meeting to order at 2:40 p.m. and introduced the officers in attendance.

Council secretary Mediatrix Valera read the minutes of the previous meeting, which were unanimously approved. The motion to approve was called by Edie Sadewitz and seconded by Ellen Marks-Hinkle.

Edie Shaffer read the names of residents who had passed away since the last meeting. She also read the names of new residents who were admitted to the Home within the last month.




OLD BUSINESSIn an effort to get better attendance, Council meetings will now be held in the F1 teal atrium. It was suggested that a committee be formed to welcome new residents and encourage them to attend Council meetings.

The unnecessary noise in the K2 dining room has been resolved.

Housekeeping will be responsible for making sure that the cushions in the Rosenberg Garden are brought in and returned as appropriate for the weather.

Administrator Mark Friedlander explained that the residents who went to the last year’s Heritage Night at the Giants game were the guests of a donor. The invitation was not extended this year.

NEW CORRESPONDENCEA thank-you for the Safeway gift card was received from Jan Reicher, director of strategic projects.

NEW BUSINESSIt was announced that the Home is scheduled around this time for the annual state survey.

A request was made to put closed captions on channel 17 movies. This will be done, effective today, depending on the availability of closed caption options. Residents were reminded to tune in to channel 40 for synagogue services and events.

A concern was brought up regarding the possibility of residents being locked out in the courtyard after the garden café is closed. Mark Friedlander explained that the doors leading to the courtyard are never locked. Residents should speak with garden café staff if they need help with the door.

A request was made for audiologist Dr. Chris Foche to visit twice a month. This will be brought up with Mark Friedlander.

The table was opened for nominations for Council of Residents officers: Edie Shaffer, incumbent president, and Claire Shor, incumbent treasurer, are running for re-election.

Ellen Marks-Hinkle was nominated for vice president by Edie Sadewitz. Edie Shaffer nominated Phyllis Wolf for vice president. Phyllis thanked Edie, but she declined the nomination.

Dulce Martinez thanked the group for their cooperation and wonderful friendship during her


term as vice president. She has decided not to run for office in order to give others a chance to hold this position. She expressed her willingness to accept projects that would allow her to serve in another capacity.

The election of Council officers will be held at the February Council meeting.

RAFFLE WINNERVictor Mashbein was the lucky winner of this month’s raffle.


Recorded by Mediatrix ValeraRecreation Programs Director

COUNCIL OF RESIDENTS

FEBRUARY 11, 2015 MEETING MINUTESIn the absence of Council president Edie Shaffer, Council vice president Dulce Martinez called the meeting to order at 2:35 p.m. and introduced the officers in attendance.

Council secretary Mediatrix Valera read the minutes of the previous meeting, which were unanimously approved as presented.

The names of residents who had passed away since the last meeting, as well as the names of newly admitted residents, were read.




OLD BUSINESSThe request to have audiologist Chris Focht visit twice a month has been forwarded to the director of the San Francisco Speech and Hearing Center, who will work out a schedule.

NEW BUSINESSVice president Dulce Martinez thanked the residents for the good attendance and their active participation at the Open Food Forum.

Administrator Mark Friedlander thanked outgoing vice president Dulce Martinez for her dedication and service to the Council.

Mark informed the residents of the ongoing window replacement project on K1 and K2.

Mark reminded the residents that the Home is scheduled for its annual state survey around this time of the year.

To abide by the Council of Residents’ Constitution and Bylaws, which calls for the posting of the names of nominees for Council office prior to the set election, voting for officers will be held at the March Council meeting. The installation of officers will immediately follow their election.

Edie Sadewitz suggested that the Council make a donation in memory of Mediatrix Valera’s mother, who passed on in December. Mediatrix thanked Edie for her suggestion and the Council for the gesture, but explained that she and her family had


already received so much comfort and strength from the kind words and expressions of sympathy from both the Home’s staff and residents.

RAFFLE WINNERSarah Edwards was the lucky winner of this month’s raffle.


Recorded by Mediatrix ValeraRecreation Programs Director

Dulce MartinezVice President

Edie ShafferPresident

Claire ShorTreasurer

Council of Residents Officers2013-2014

IN MEMORY

RENEE DISPENSA September 10, 1919 to January 30, 2015

ZINOVIY FLOM August 29, 1929 to February 14, 2015

MARIA LAZARIC April 1, 1920 to February 10, 2015

YELINA SIMONO June 5, 1925 to February 20, 2015


WIT & HUMOR SEEING THE FUNNY (JEWISH) SIDE OF LIFE

CONNECTING WITH THE KGBThe phone rings at KGB headquarters, sometime in the 1960s.

“Hello?”

“Hello, is this KGB?”

“Da.”

“I’m calling to report that my neighbor, Hershel Yankovitz, is an enemy of the state. He’s hiding undeclared diamonds among the firewood in his shed.”

“This will be noted.”

The next day, the KGB sends their hoodlums to Hershel’s tiny house. Out back, in the shed, they violently break every piece of firewood in their search for contraband. They find nothing. Angry and cursing, they leave.

Ten minutes later, the phone rings at Hershel’s house.

“Hello, Hersh, did the KGB show up?”

“They just left.”

“Did they chop up your firewood?”

“They certainly did.”

“Good. Now it’s your turn to call. My vegetable patch needs plowing.”

SHOULD BE LIKE SHELDONA man walks out of his office in midtown Manhattan during a thundershower. Lo and behold, there’s an empty taxi right there. Amazing! He hops in and remarks to the driver how lucky he is to get a taxi at all in such weather, let alone right in front of his office door.

The cabbie turns to him and says, “You obviously have perfect timing. Just like Sheldon.”

“Who?”

“Sheldon Schwartz. Now that was a guy who did everything right. Probably the closest thing to human perfection this planet has ever seen. For example, Sheldon always managed to get a cab immediately, no matter what the weather. Not to mention a parking spot right in front of the door, no matter where he went.”

“You’re exaggerating,” says the passenger. “Nobody’s that lucky.”

“Sheldon was,” says the cabbie. “But not only was he lucky, he was also talented. He easily could have been a golf or tennis pro, He had a voice that would have shamed Pavarotti into giving up opera. He definitely could have won the top prize on Dancing with the Stars. He was so elegant and moved like an angel. He was handsome and sophisticated and refined, more than Cary Grant. You should have seen him in a tuxedo. He was a prime physical specimen – big and tall and strong. He was also a terrific businessman with uncanny instincts. Everything he touched turned to gold. And oy, what a wonderful card player.”


“Oh, come on!” says the passenger. “You’re making this up.”

“No, I’m not. Sheldon had other gifts too. He always knew how to please a woman. It was like he could read their minds. He was brilliant, too. There was nothing he didn’t know, nothing he couldn’t fix. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I short out the entire neighborhood. And did he know how to tell a story. He was the life of every party.”

“He sounds incredible. So, how do you know this Sheldon?” the passenger asks.

“I’ve never actually met him,” the cabbie admits.

“Then how do you know so much about him?” queries the passenger.

“Well, after he died, I married his wife.”

THE ÉMIGRÉ AND THE BUSTAfter many years of red tape, Mikhail is finally give an exit visa by the Russian government to immigrate to Israel, where he already has some family. Rules allow that émigrés can only take with them what they can pack into a standard-size suitcase.

At the airport in Moscow, Mikhail is stopped by a customs official who is determined to give him a hard time.

“Open your luggage!” he commands.

Mikhail opens his case. The officer tears through all his pathetic belongings – ragged clothing, an old Bible, some family photos. Underneath it all, he finds a heavy object wrapped in newspaper. Aha! I’m going to get him now, he thinks. He unwraps the paper and finds a bust of Stalin.

“And what is this we have here?” he snarls.

“What is this, you ask me?” says Mikhail. “Don’t ask, ‘What is this?’ Instead you should ask, ‘Who is this?’ This, comrade, is our magnificent leader, Joseph Stalin. I’m leaving behind more important things so that I may take this with me. So that in my new home I will have it to remind me of all the things this great man did and the splendid Soviet life I’m leaving behind.”

“You’re crazy!” says the customs man, carelessly throwing the statue into the bag. “We should be happy to see you go.”

Several hours later, Mikhail arrives in Israel, where he’s met by an Israeli customs official.

“Shalom. Open your case.”

Once again Mikhail’s luggage is thoroughly examined, and again, the customs official finds the bust of Stalin.

“What is this?” asks the customs officer.

“What is this?” responds Mikhail. “Don’t ask, ‘What is this?’ Better you should ask, ‘Who is this?’ This, my friend, is Stalin. I shlepped it all the way from Moscow, and I’m going to put it right next to my bed, so that when I wake up in the morning, I will be reminded of the suffering and misery he caused me my whole life.”

“You’re crazy!” the official laughs, and tosses the bust back into the luggage. “Go ahead. Welcome to Israel.”

Mikhail’s sister and her family meet him at the airport and bring him back to her home. Later that evening, his young nephew is sitting on the bed, watching him unpack. Mikhail takes out the bust of Stalin and places it on the nightstand.

“Who is that?” the boy asks.

“Who is that?” Mikhail says with a smile. “Never mind ‘Who is that?’ Better you should ask, ‘What is that?’ That, boychik, is five kilos of gold.”


RESIDENTS’ BIRTHDAYS1 Gloria Houtenbrink3 Avri Unger5 Raisa Sandler14 David Kirik15 Anna Kleynerman18 Iokhabet Kogan20 Joyce Martinez21 Benjamin Tarrant23 Paula Hegyi24 Nancy Nichols25 Monya Kalika28 Mariya Sopilnichenko30 Esfir Posylkina30 Daniel Silverman30 Eleanor Sozzi

MARCH

With focus and attention, and with a hearty mazel tov from all of us on his 103rd birthday, Zinoviy Simkhovych cuts the cake for his fellow February celebrants. They, too, get our birthday blessings.

Documents

MARCH 2015 - jhsf.orgjhsf.org/pdf/atHome-03-15.pdf · the mayonnaise jar – and the beer. A professor stood before his philosophy class. In front of him were some items. Without