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MANAGING ANXIETY IN THEFAMILY SYSTEM
STRATEGIES FOR CHANGING OUR RELATIONSHIPDANCE
Rhett Smith, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (MDIV, MSMFT)www.rhettsmithcounseling.com
Private Practice
4 Day Marriage Intensivewww.intensives.com
Family
FOCUS
1. What is anxiety and how does it affect the family?2. Reimagining the purpose of anxiety.3. Understanding our “dances” -- how we get stuck & unstuck.4. Ideas for staying unstuck.
“In business you hear about the 80/20 rule: 80 percent of thebenefit comes from 20 percent of the change. At home I think it’sthe 90/10 rule: 90 percent of the value is brought on by just a 10
percent change.”
Patrick Lencioni
“Who we are and how we engage with the world are muchstronger predictors of how our children will do than what we know
about parenting.”
The question isn’t so much “Are you parenting the right way?”, asit is, “Are you the adult you want your child to grow up to be?”
Researcher Brene Brown
WHAT IS ANXIETY?
Worry
Stress
Concern
Fear
Fight or Flight
Danger
Choice
Possibility
Freedom
“Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.”
Soren Kierkegaard, The Concept of Freedom
“A state of uneasiness and apprehension, as about futureuncertainties.”
(http://www.thefreedictionary.com/anxiety)
“A state of apprehension and fear resulting from the anticipationof a threatening event or situation.”
(http://www.thefreedictionary.com/anxiety)
Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S.,affecting 40 million adults in the United States age 18 and older
(18% of the U.S. population).
Anxiety disorders affect one in eight children. Research shows thatuntreated children with anxiety disorders are at higher risk to
perform poorly in school, miss out on important social experiences,and engage in substance abuse.
Anxiety and Depression Association of Americawww.adaa.org
“Current data suggest that in the typical congregation of 150members a pastor may expect to find at least twenty people with
anxiety serious enough to qualify clinically as a disorder, plusnumerous others who struggle with the condition in less severe butpainful nonetheless. In a word, pastors regularly encounter anxious
people.”
Allan Hugh Cole Jr., be not anxious,
“Surveys have shown that one of the major points of stress forchildren these days is their packed schedules. Our surveys have
found that stress levels among adolescents and teens match thoseof adults. Kids admit to feeling overwhelmed by the quantity of
responsibilities thrust upon them, from homework to sports, musiclessons to church events, household chores to relational
expectations, media intake to hobbies.”
George Barna, Revolutionary Parenting
FAMILIES = EMOTIONAL SYSTEMS
Enmeshed/Fused
Distant/Cut-Off
Differentiated/Boundaried
I You
IYou
I You
“While specific events or issues are often the principal generatorsof acute anxiety, the principal generators of chronic anxiety are
people’s reactions to a disturbance in the balance of arelationship.”
Kerr and Bowen
Shade-SmithGenogram
Susie Ray Shade Jenny Rader Berniece DavisGlenn Smith
BurkeRayJudieMelodee Nancy TimPhil
Rita
Tracie
Rhett
Margie
SarahWyattHeather
HudsonHayden Sawyer
Mark Huey
Marielle HueyDanielle HueyBlake Kimzey
Debbie
Gary Pierce
MatthewHeatherRaymond
Ruthie
m ’45m ‘84’19-’83
breast cancer’19’35
m ’38’16-’81
heart attack’16-’09
m ’65
’43
’43
m ’01
’4017 days
m ‘91 d ’97
’48
’48
’07
m ’05’73 ’75
’10 ’09
m ’07’77 ’76
m ’06
’83’83
’85
m ’73 d ’77 m ’79 d ’94
’47
’52
’54’56’47-’86
breast cancer’50-’01
breast cancer
TX
Mom wasborn in OK
Raised in KS,TX
Dad was bornin AZ
Raised in AZ
Rhett wasborn in TX
Raised in AZ
Heather wasborn in KS
Raised in CA
CA
Grandparents movedfrom M and Settled in
AZ
Grandparents movedfrom MS and Settled in
TX
ThemesBreast Cancer
DivorceEmotional/Physical Cut Off
FaithGeography
FeelingsAbandoned
AloneNot Good Enough
RejectedHope
CopingWithdrawShutdownPass./Agg.Persevere
Risk
MARITAL CONFLICT
“As family tension increases and the spouses get more anxious,each spouse externalizes his or her anxiety into the marital
relationship. Each focuses on what is wrong with the other, eachtries to control the other, and each resists the other’s efforts at
control.”
The Bowen Centerhttp://www.thebowencenter.org/pages/conceptnf.html
FAMILY PROJECTION PROCESS
“(1) the parent focuses on a child out of fear that something iswrong with the child;
(2) the parent interprets the child’s behavior as confirming thefear; and
(3) the parent treats the child as if something is really wrong withthe child.”
The Bowen Centerhttp://www.thebowencenter.org/pages/conceptfpp.html
“The spouses focus their anxieties on one or more of theirchildren. They worry excessively and usually have anidealized or negative view of the child. The more the
parents focus on the child the more the child focuses onthem. He is more reactive than his siblings to the attitudes,
needs, and expectations of the parents. The processundercuts the child’s differentiation from the family andmakes him vulnerable to act out or internalize family
tensions. The child’s anxiety can impair his schoolperformance, social relationships, and even his health.”
The Bowen Centerhttp://www.thebowencenter.org/pages/conceptnf.html
IMPAIRMENT OF ONE OR MORECHILDREN
“A two person system is unstable because it cantolerate little tension before involving a thirdperson...Spreading the tension can stabilize a
system, but nothing gets resolved.”
The Bowen Centerhttp://www.thebowencenter.org/pages/concepttri.html
TRIANGLES
Dad Mom
Son Daughter
Anxiety
AnxietyAnxiety Triangle
BlendedFamily
ANXIETY
Who am I?Identity
What am I to do?Autonomy
How am I to be loved?Belonging
How can I become all that God intended me to be?God’s Story
RE-IMAGINE ANXIETY ASCATALYST FOR GROWTH
“do not be anxious about anything”
Philippians 4:6
What is my anxiety saying to me?
What is my child’s anxiety telling us about thefamily system?
What might God be saying to me in the midstof me anxiousness?
Am I/Is our family avoiding something?
Am I/Is our family refusing to face my/our fears?
How might we grow as a family if we face ouranxiety?
“The healthy individual moves ahead despite the conflict,actualizing his freedom, whereas the unhealthy person retrenches
to a ‘shut-in-condition’ sacrificing his freedom.”
Rollo May, The Meaning of Anxiety
THE DANCES WE DANCE
THE PAIN DANCE
Negative(Feelings/Emotions)
Negative Coping Behaviors
Pain Dance
Worthless, Judged, Unloved, Helpless, Alone, Unwanted, Not GoodEnough, Like a Failure, Unknown, Out of Control, Rejected,
Abandoned
Feelings/Emotions
Withdraw, Shut Down, Negative Beliefs About Myself, BecomeArrogant, Blame, Lie, Avoid, Complain, Criticize, Anger, Judge,
Selfishness, Sarcasm, View Pornography, Drink, Sex, Grudges, Rebel,Anxious, Depressed, Use Drugs, Create Drama
Negative Coping Behaviors
TRUTH DANCE
Our Truth CreatedStrengths
Truth Dance
Loved, Priceless, Treasured, Appreciated, Full of Worth, Accepted,Significant, Precious, Wanted, Respected, Can Make Good Choices,Valuable, Known, Never Alone, Adequate, Celebrated, Encouraged,
Connected, Can Control Self
Truth
Accepting, Supportive, Encouraging, Giving, Welcoming, Kind, Gentle,Good Listener, Humble, Includes Others, Patient, Forgiving, Open &Vulnerable, Caring, Peaceful, Seeking Good, Merciful, Loving, Values
Self, Positive, Joyful, Shows Compassionate, Hopeful, Respectful,Responsible, Trustworthy, Honest, Reliable, Self-Controlled, Turn from
Addictive Behaviors
Strengths
Identify Feelings & Negative Coping
Identify Truth & Connect ToStrengths
AloneUnloved
WorthlessUnwanted
Can’t Measure Up
AngryWithdraw
Passive-AggressiveNumb Out
Critical
AdequateLoved
WantedGod’s Son/Daughter
Worthy
CompassionateGivingLoving
FunEncouraging
“old self”
“new self”
You were taught with regard to your former way oflife, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted
by its deceitful desires; to be made new in theattitude of your minds; and to put on the new self,created to be like God in true righteousness and
holiness.
Ephesians 4:22-24
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation hascome: The old has gone, the new is here!
2 Corinthians 5:17
PRACTICES TO LIVE OUT OFTHE NEW DANCE
MINDFULNESS
“the trait of staying aware of (paying close attention to) yourresponsibilities.”
http://wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn?s=mindfulness
Spotlight Exercise
SELF-CARE
“The process of managing responses to stressors. Self-care includeswhat we know about ourselves, our resources, and our behaviors.”
http://www.mrmnursingtheory.org/definitions.html
“One’s understanding and behavior that helps to build a healthybody, mind and spirit for himself and others.”
http://www.relaxyourlifenow.com/glossary/
“And Jesus grew in wisdom (mental) and stature (physical), and infavor with God (spiritual) and man (relational).”
Luke 2:52
He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart andwith all your soul and with all your strength and with all your
mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”
Luke 10:27
HEART SOUL STRENGTH MIND
(Relational) (Spiritual) (Physical) (Mental)
Date Nightw/spouse
Coffee w/friend
Prayer
Listeningto God
Running
Healthy diet
Book Club
Take a class
BOUNDARIES
“Self-Differentation (a term coined by family therapy pioneer,Murray Bowen) is a progressive, internal interplay betweenautonomy (separation) and connection (togetherness) while
progressing toward developing and known goals.”
Rod Smithwww.difficultrelationships.com
SELF-SOOTHE
emotional self-regulation = “the set of processes involved ininitiating, maintaining and modulating emotional responsiveness,
both positive and negative.”
Wendy S. Grolinick, et al
Breathing
SEEK HELP
CONTACT
Website: rhettsmithcounseling.com
Blog: rhettsmith.com
Facebook: facebook.com/marriageandfamilytherapy
Twitter: twitter.com/rhetter
Pinterest: pinterest.com/rhettsmith
LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/rhettsmith
March 2012 May 2013