Manage Emotions Workplace Term Definition Introduced in · PDF filefirst key to unlocking the key of managing the emotions. This comes from three areas – thoughts, feelings, and

How to Manage Emotions in the Workplace Key Terms

Term Definition Introduced in:

AggressiveA style of anger expression signified by physical outbursts, intimidation, and a need for control and the appearance of strength Module 5

Body LanguageCrossed arms, frowning, and foot‐tapping examples of body language that communicates anger or annoyance Module 2

EmotionA mental state that arises spontaneously rather than through conscious effort, often accompanied by physiological changes and feelings Module 1

Hot Button A situation or environment that triggers angry emotion Module 2

Paraverbal CommunicationUnderstanding perceived through the interpretation of verbal delivery; gaining meaning from how something is said (tone, inflection, etc.) rather than from words Module 2

PassiveA style of anger expression signified by withdrawl; A passive angry person avoids confrontation and often remains angry to the detriment of their own well‐being Module 5

Passive‐AggressiveA style of anger expression signified by indirect and paraverbal outbursts of anger at the source or the community at large Module 5

SMART action planA plan for resolving an issue using Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Rewarding, and Timely steps and goals Module 4

Verbal Communication The act of communicating through spoken word Module 2

Glossary Page 1

Manage Emotions in the Workplace Module 1 Page 1

MANAGE EMOTIONS IN THE WORKPLACE MODULE ONE – UNDERSTANDING EMOTIONS Module number one – Understanding Emotions. The reality is that emotions affect all of

us. That’s what makes us human. But in the workplace, our emotions –

especially anger – can cause problems. A lot of times I know we may feel

helpless to the power of emotions, especially when work is piling up, deadlines

are getting tight, Sales is breathing down our neck, and our workload has

become overwhelming. But we’re not helpless. There’s something we can do,

and actually there’s a lot we can do. So let’s start with understanding what is

emotion. Dictionary.com tells us that emotion is a mental state that arises

spontaneously rather than through conscious effort. It is also often accompanied

by physiological changes and feeling. So let me say that again – an emotion is a

mental state that arises spontaneously rather than through conscious effort and

is often accompanied by physiological changes – a feeling. See, the reality is

that emotions are feelings. This is the first thing we’re going to need to grasp in

understanding emotions, is that emotions are feelings and they’re

interchangeable. We’re going to use those words interchangeably today.

They’re truly synonyms. The second thing that we want to take note of is that

emotions are spontaneous. That means that we can’t just turn them on or off as

we wish. Now, wouldn’t it be great in the workplace if you could just turn your

emotions off, go to work, and then turn them on at a later time? But the reality is

the emotions are really part of us. It’s what makes us human. So you can’t just

turn off your emotions just because they’re producing an effect that you don’t

want. Remember, producing emotions is not a conscious effort. It’s kind of like


breathing. Keep in mind, if you were to stop breathing – you consciously said I’m

not going to breathe – what would happen in two, three, four minutes from now?

You’d pass out and eventually your body would take over and you’d start to

breathe. Well, building up emotions is the same way. When you try to contain it,

what happens is it builds up pressure and eventually, it comes out. Now trying to

stop your emotions isn’t really managing them. All it’s doing is really delaying

them or ignoring them, when what you really are doing is only postponing the

inevitable. So to understand what you can do, if ignoring the emotions isn’t the

solution, we need to look at other ways that we can handle our emotions. In

order to do that, first we need to understand the roots of emotions. That is the

first key to unlocking the key of managing the emotions. This comes from three

areas – thoughts, feelings, and behavior. Our thoughts affect the way we feel,

and then we act either internally or externally or both, based on how we feel. So

thoughts are conscious. We can control our thoughts. So to effectively manage

our emotions, we must first start by controlling our thoughts. Then when we look

at it in this light, there really aren’t any bad emotions. There are only appropriate

and inappropriate responses. Let’s self-direct for just a moment. If I polled the

group here today to see who had ever had a feeling of guilt, discouragement,

loneliness, or anger, I would suspect that the results are between 98 and 100

percent. If I asked you to dig just a little deeper, since we’re all human on the

call, I would suspect that that answer was probably all of us. See, it’s natural.

It’s okay. We’re human. And I’m not here to tell you that you shouldn’t

experience these emotions. I mean just imagine a world where people didn’t


experience emotions. That certainly wouldn’t be very gratifying – no highs, no

lows, no disappointment, no excitement. It would almost be going into a freaky

Twilight Zone world. That’s not really where we want you to go. Where I need

you to go today with me is to take a look at how can we manage these emotions.

How can we take control, and how can we be in control instead of letting them

control us? In order to do that, throughout today I’m going to share with you

some examples, and I’m going to use my friend Bob. He’s an imaginary friend of

mine and he gets himself in all kinds of office shenanigans. Because of the

flexibility of his schedule and his career needs, I tend to use him and he tends to

pop up from time to time. So let’s take a look at what Bob’s up to right now.

Well, Bob works for a medical supply company. And Linda is one of Bob’s

customers who works for a skilled nursing facility. Early one morning, Bob gets a

call from Linda, and she’s MAD. She’s irate. The supplies she ordered have not

yet arrived, and it’s a day late already and she needs them now. Bob’s mad

because he knows he sent the request to shipping. And in the back of his mind,

he’s thinking, “Darn it! They messed up again. Can’t they do anything right?

When I get a hold of them, heads are going to roll.” He mutters some excuse to

Linda and then he gets to the bottom of this. And it’s not really a good situation,

is it? I mean, consider: Bob is angry, and Linda has every right to be angry. This

is not a passive or solution-based situation. So let’s scroll back through that and

run the scenario again, but with a different set of parameters. Let’s take a look

at, instead of thinking how incompetent the shipping vendor is, Bob’s going to

think about how to solve this problem. So let’s go back to the beginning. Bob


works for a medical supply company and Linda’s one of his customers. She

doesn’t get her package on time. Bob’s mad and angry because he knows he

sent the request to shipping. But he thinks instead, I’m not sure what happened,

but Linda needs to get the shipment immediately. So he says to Linda, “Hey

look, Linda, I don’t know why you didn’t receive the shipment. I’m going to have

it shipped overnight as a duplicate order. And we won’t charge you for the extra

shipping.” So Linda is happy that her package will be there tomorrow, but she

isn’t happy that it’s taken so long. Bob calls the shipping department to resolve

the matter. So you can see what happened here. In this case, Bob did not direct

any anger towards Linda. Linda’s not the one at fault. And by Bob changing his

thoughts, he’s able to react in a more positive way and produce a better

outcome. So that’s great. In this case, Bob does not direct any anger towards

Linda, and she’s not at fault. By Bob changing his thoughts, he’s able to produce

a more positive outcome. By simply taking control of our thoughts, we’ve got

more choices.

[End of recording]


MANAGE EMOTIONS IN THE WORKPLACE MODULE TWO – ANGER AND WHAT IT MEANS Module number two – Anger and What It Means. We’re going to examine the emotion

that is most destructive in the workplace. That emotion is anger. Anger is one of

those ineffective emotions that rears its ugly head from time to time. There are a

number of ways that anger can be shown. It can emerge as outbursts, temper

tantrums, name calling, gossip – you get the idea. What is anger? There have

been a lot of ideas and studies about anger over the years. But all the experts

seem to agree on a few common truths about anger. The first truth is that

thought provides the fuel of anger. So what we think increases or decreases the

amount of anger that we feel. Most of the time, it’s what we’re thinking that is

increasing it. So this is the first truth that we want to know. The second truth is:

anger doesn’t just happen. People don’t go from zero to mad enough to spit

bullets in 2.3 seconds. It builds up over time. The last truth is that anger is

contagious. Anger is like a disease. If you let it, it infects you. When it happens,

we've got trouble. And we’re going to inoculate you today and give you specific

tools so that you can overcome the contagiousness of anger and make sure not

to get infected by other people. But just like anything else, you’re going to need

to touch up on these techniques from time to time in order to make sure they’re

truly working for you. Anger has a basic equation, and it’s self-doubt plus our

blame that results in anger and resentment. And that’s pretty true – self-doubt

and blame are two thoughts that trigger anger and resentment. So the equation

that we have here is really the core of anger in a nutshell. In order to inoculate

yourself against explosive emotions, we need to start understanding our own hot


buttons. A hot button is a situation or an environment. These can be things like

getting stuck in traffic, or getting lost. It can be noise. It can be crowds. I just

want to let you know as we go through these, if any of the others come up for

you, just jot them down. The first key to preventing someone from pushing your

hot button is not letting them know where it’s at. They can’t get your goat if they

don’t know where it’s tied up, I’ve heard it said. So let’s just make sure we

protect our hot buttons by first identifying where they are. So this first one,

situations and environments, I’m going to give you several examples. If any of

them ring true for you, just jot down a note to yourself that that’s a hot button for

me. Be aware of it, and as you go through the process and see it occurring,

know that that’s a hot button. It’s going to set me off. I have to be careful. I

have to proceed with caution here. So let me give you a few examples. For me,

one of my hot buttons for situation and environment is going to the bank. When I

go to the bank, I’m prepared. I have my deposit slips, I have written on the back

of my checks, I have everything ready, and it’s inevitable that the person who

gets in front of me has no clue what they’re doing. They did not bring their

deposit slips, they can’t find their card, they don’t know where they are, they don’t

have anything together. And of course, inevitably I’m behind them. And it

frustrates me. It just makes me so mad. But if you really think about what am I

getting mad about, I’m getting mad about my own self-doubt. Why did they do

this to me? I’m getting frustrated and I’m blaming them for my anger. They did

it. They set me off. The other area that tends to set me off is when I go to the

grocery store and the person in front of me has 14 items or more, and it’s in a 14


item or less line. Excuse me – they have 14 items or more in a 14 item or less

line. That just really gets me going. And when you think about it, it’s really about

self-doubt and blame that makes me mad. I think to myself, “Why don’t I use the

express lane when I check out when my cart is full? Why do I have to follow the

rules if they won’t?” Then I go to the blame game. “It’s all the casher’s fault.

They let people get away with this stuff.” Can you hear my self-doubt? Can you

hear the blame? The second area is people. It could be people who hurt us,

who threaten us, who don’t do what we expect them to do. And again, these are

all tied to the next one, which is: our expectations of ourselves and others – what

we should be able to do, or what should happen, what other people should do.

We end up should-ing all over the place and we have these feelings because

things aren’t fair. We know how they should be, and we expect them to be that

way. This is another hot button. Are you finding any of yours? Another trigger is

having a feeling of being insecure – that we didn’t measure up, that we made a

mistake and that we aren’t good enough. It could be a feeling of shame or

maybe embarrassment. And the next one is envy and paranoia. They’re

feelings of not getting what we deserve and that someone is getting something

better than us, and it’s something that maybe even that we deserve. And the

most common hot button for most people that sets people off faster than any of

the others is not wanting to be responsible and blaming others. We want

something to be someone else’s fault. These are some of the most common hot

buttons. Take a moment and just reflect. Are any of these your hot buttons? Do

any of these set you off? Do any of these put you on the path to making you an


angry or upset person? And if so, just jot them down. What are they? Just as

there are truths about anger, there are also some myths. I’m going to address

those because assessing the truths can be as helpful to managing your emotions

as ignoring the myths. So let’s take a look at them. The first one is: I can’t help

it. X makes me so mad. Well, I know you’re not going to want to hear this, but

when we blame our anger on someone else, we give them control. And the

question that was asked of me many years ago was: how much longer are you

going to let them control your life? How much longer are you going to give them

that much power? And when they told me that, it really woke me up because I

had been giving a lot of other people power in my life and it was time I took it

back. So by understanding this myth, it gives you permission to take back

control of your life. It gives you permission to take back your own reins. The

next myth is that the person who explodes is angrier than the person who

withdraws. This is simply not true. Those are two different ways to handling

anger and the person who withdraws could actually be much more upset.

They’re just not showing it. And they could be just as angry. Myth number three

is: anger gets you what you want. In the short term, this might be true. But really

consider, have you ever been upset with someone or angry with someone and it

ruined the relationship? Did it really get you what you wanted? Was it really

effective? See, I believe anger is a short-term solution for a long-term problem.

Anger may in the short term get you what you want, but it certainly creates a

longer term problem for you. If you don’t address the long-term problem, it ends

up being worse off than had you addressed it initially. Now the fourth myth is:


how angry I am reflects how much I am right. Well, there are some who thank

that the more you believe in what you’re saying, the more you’re willing to fight

for it. But have you ever met someone that was absolutely dead wrong and was

willing to fight to the death about it? See, it doesn’t matter how right or wrong

you are. Getting angry doesn’t solve the issue. Now the fifth myth is: they don’t

pay attention if I don’t make a big deal out of it. This might be true, but think of

the boy who cried wolf. He made a big deal out of it. They paid attention to him,

but did he really get what he wanted? Did he really get the respect and attention

long-term? Again, short-term actions aren’t producing great long-term results

here. Myth number six is: it’s their fault – they should know better. This comes

back to obviously being controlled by others, and not taking responsibility for our

own actions. Yes, they have responsibility for their actions, but we have

responsibility for ours as well. And when we take that control, we stop giving

other people the right to manipulate us, to control us, and to push us over the

edge. It’s our choice – not theirs. And the last myth is: if I suppress my anger

and control it, I’ll have the upper hand. I thought this for years as well. I can just

control it. I’m just going to push it down. And what ends up happening is you

end up becoming resentful. And you end up making yourself sick. In the book

The Anatomy of a Spirit, Miss Carolyn Myss says that she can actually, based on

the ailments that you have in your body, she can determine what your thoughts

were that created those ailments. This is a pretty interesting area of medicine.

And she’s looked into this for many, many years, and I don’t know if it’s true or

not. But what I do know is: what if it is true? What if your thoughts really can


produce sickness? So we need to manage our thoughts. We need to find ways

to manage our anger versus controlling it. Perhaps the biggest myth of them all

is: venting makes me feel better. Letting it out is good. And that is a huge, huge,

big whopper of a myth. See, venting is anger practice. It forms a habit. We all

know how hard habits are to break. So why start with them to begin with? So

we’ve looked at anger and we’ve looked at its truths and its myths. And we’ve

boiled it down to its roots. And you’re going to hear me keep saying that anger is

actually natural. It’s part of who we are. And because suppressing anger is not

a great solution – nor is ignoring it – what we need to do is learn how to manage

it. Before we need to manage it, let’s decide whether the anger is a problem or

not. See, anger is a problem when it’s frequent. Think about it. Is there anger or

hostility in your work day every day? Is it intense? If the level of anger someone

has doesn’t seem to match the cause of it, you may have an issue there. That

may need to get looked at. Anger is a problem also when it lasts a long time.

Remember the meeting you had a month ago with your team and you forgot to

bring your agenda, and your supervisor is still holding that over your head?

There’s also a problem when it’s aggressive, cruel, destructive, or hostile. Are

you afraid to go to work, either physically or mentally? Do team members talk

down or bad mouth each other? Again, this may be an issue. See, anger could

be a problem when it places control over solutions - when decisions are made in

the sense of I won, you lost. Anger could be a problem when it places control

over solutions, when decisions are made in a sense of I won, you lost, or if some

resolution is so ridiculous in your office, but they’re in effect because someone


threw a tantrum or had an outburst. Lastly, anger is a problem when it interferes.

Are you stressed every day? Are you more forgetful? Are you not effectively

doing your job? So if you’ve answered yes to any of these, anger could be a

problem in your workplace. The tips here are not designed to handle an entire

environment full of anger. Your team or company may need additional training,

or may need an entire shift in culture. And many companies have an EAP

program. They offer help for these type of situations. And I’m hoping that

nobody here on this line is experiencing all these characteristics at work, but if

you are, make sure to reach out to your HR professional and see what help is

available. Now when somebody communicates, either with themselves or with a

colleague or with someone else, we communicate in three different ways. So

let’s briefly look at how we communicate and how we relate as well as how we

can see anger through each of those threads. The first type of communication is

verbal. Verbal means what words we say. So today’s topic focused on anger. If

you would hear someone angry, they might say something like, “Nobody treats

me like that. I’m not taking this lying down. Who do you think you are?” This

would be clues and indicators that this person is angry. The second type of

communication is paraverbal. Paraverbal is not the words we say; rather it’s how

we say the words. So take this sentence, “I’m not angry.” It could be said I’m not

angry. I’M not angry. I’M NOT ANGRY! All of these sentences convey different

emotional response despite the words being said. Let’s listen to a scenario that

plays out dozens of times in an organization. You know how it goes. You pass a

colleague in the hallway and say, “Hey, how are you?” And your colleague


response, “I’m fine.” Simple, right? So you can think of the last time that you

heard that answer from a colleague. But you didn’t believe that person. See,

that’s paraverbal communication. What’s important to remember about

paraverbal communication is that when you say something, the receiver of that

message is more likely to trust what your paraverbal message is over your actual

words. This means that how you say something is even more important than

what you say. Let me take a little side note here on paraverbal communication.

In our age of technology, businesses run differently than they did ten years ago.

Companies communicate with different offices in different cities and countries.

Recently I worked with people that I’ve never seen and have never met face to

face. We have to remember when we do that, that because of the way we’re

communicating - through email, instant messages, text, and through telephone -

our paraverbal communication is not always there. Because it’s not there, people

sometimes only have the words we use. And we have to be careful to avoid

things like sarcasm because it can quickly and easily cause miscommunication.

And often, unnecessary time and energy is used to resolve the situations

because of these poor communication skills. The last form of communication

that we want to talk about is body language. This communication – this is the

physical communication of personal feelings, emotions, attitudes, and thoughts.

Your body movement – such as your gestures or facial expressions – these are

everything from smiling to frowning, crossing your arms, rolling your eyes,

standing with your hands behind your back, pointing at someone when you talk,

biting your lip – these are all types of body language. And these are indicators of


anger and should be noted by the recipient to be aware. Now some of the

gestures, such as standing with your arms behind your back, are inviting

gestures while others are folding your arms across your chest can be closed and

defensive gestures. So as we already discussed, paraverbal communication

doesn’t exist in written messages. Body language doesn’t exist in written

messages or audio communication. Take for example a teleconference. Right

now, if you’re on a teleconference, or even if you’re on a webinar, you can't see

the face I’m making. You can’t see the way I’m sitting, you can’t see the way I

look, you can’t read any of that body language. All you have to go by to

determine my emotional state are the words I’m saying and the tone of my voice.

So for those of you who work on virtual teams, you want to keep this in mind.

I’ve seen good teams struggle because of teleconference meetings where the

members in the main location on the east coast seem bothered that they have to

use a teleconference with members of the west coast. It was simply the way that

they were inflecting their voices. It was causing a lot of irritation to the folks on

the west coast. So after a lot of debate and a lot of aggression and heated

discussions, the management team took a look at it, and what was happening

was the folks on the east coast were having to stay later than their usual hours.

So they were run down. They were a little frustrated and they were a little worn

out, whereas the folks on the west coast were only halfway through their day.

They were still peppy and full of energy. What they quickly realized is if they

moved the time up earlier in the day, everybody would be in a better mood, and

the calls became much more productive. So the point here is that paraverbal


information was interfering with the verbal. So we want to keep these types of

communication in mind. Knowing these and being able to read them can help

you identify a potentially explosive situation well before it detonates. When we’re

the one sending the message, being aware of our verbal communication, your

paraverbal and your body language also allows you to make sure you’re

communicating the proper emotions and message to your receiver.

[End of recording.]


MANAGE EMOTIONS IN THE WORKPLACE MODULE THREE – MANAGING EMOTIONAL BALANCE & STAYING IN CONTROL Module number three – Managing Emotional Balance and Staying in Control. Since

ignoring emotions does not create an overall effective result, we must learn to

manage our emotions. This starts with recognizing the warning signs.

Remember, anger doesn’t just happen. Sometimes when you feel like that, there

are symptoms we can recognize in ourselves that anger is building up. And they

include things like shortness of breath, tight chest, throbbing temples, rising heart

rate, increased blood pressure, knotted stomach, adrenaline rush, a weakness in

the knees, sweating, clenched jaw, pounding chest. When we start to recognize

these symptoms, we can take control and start to manage them. We can stop a

potentially emotionally charged situation before it ever starts. In order to do that,

we’re going to need to be able to control the physical symptoms. You can get

out of the situation, you can do conscious breathing or conscious relaxation, you

could unclench and stretch, and you can lower your voice. These are all things

that you can do to take back control when you find yourself going out of control.

We’re going to do our part, getting way back to the key principles of changing our

thoughts. We’re replacing your angry thoughts with another thought. So I’d like

to try it right now as a quick relaxation exercise that you can use to alleviate

some of the symptoms you might have. Now you know I’m on the line, and I

can’t see you. This might seem silly, but you want to do this anyway. Trust me –

no one else is watching. You’ll thank me later. Think of this as a sneak preview

to a movie or a free sample for a new brownie at the grocery store, or even like a

beta version to the newest latest greatest project management software. If


you’re having a good day and you’re relaxed, I’m going to ask you to tense up for

me right now. Put your shoulders to your ears, tense your body, hold it, hold it,

hold it – okay, let go. Now let’s start with the exercise. I’m going to ask you to go

ahead and close your eyes. And trust me, I’ll know if you don’t. And I want you

just to slowly take a breath in as I count to ten. I want you to breathe so deeply

that your chest and your abdomen move in and out. So take a breath in and

count to ten. Now very slowly, breathe out as I count to ten again. Feel yourself

relaxing. This time as you breathe in, I want you to relax your eye muscles. Can

you feel your eye muscles relaxing? Slowly unclench your jaw. Feel all the

muscles in your face starting to relax. Start to relax your shoulders. Feel the

tension going away. Your arms are getting heavy. Let your hands relax. Now

your chest and abdomen. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Go

ahead and open your eyes. How do you feel? Are you a little bit more relaxed?

A little less tense? A little less edgy? Being able to control your breath is one of

the key ways to be able to release and let go of any negativity or anger and to

certainly to change your mood. This was just a sample I gave here with you, and

with each breath you slowly work on relaxing your muscles. Start with your head

and work all the way down to your toes. Generally the recommended time frame

for this type of relaxation exercise is about ten minutes. Now I understand you

may not be patient enough for that to start, so you might want to start at two

minutes, and each week add a minute and slowly work your way up to ten

minutes. And I mean it. You want to book ten minutes of this into your day. This

will help you to become more relaxed. It will help you to be more in control. So if


you have an hour for lunch, take 15 minutes instead. Schedule a half-hour to

review agendas for weekly meetings? Schedule 20 minutes instead. I know

you’re busy and I’m not trying to downplay it at all. But this is so important, not

only to your relationships, not only to your career, but it’s important to your health

and having a healthy environment. I read a study recently that shows that

despite our gains in medicine and nutrition, the average American working in a

corporate environment is not as healthy as his or her counterpart from 30 years

ago. And much of this is attributed to mental health. So even if you can’t get a

full ten minutes, work in as much as you can because the benefits are going to

be worth it. And if you choose not to schedule this time, what you want to do is

at least keep your mind free so you can do something to reduce and let go of that

fear and that concern. Now once you get good at this, you may get bored with it.

There’s plenty of variations. For example, some people when they breathe in

and breathe out, they say, “Relax,” in their mind. Or they actually say it in a

whisper when they exhale. If you need more suggestions, try this website:

meditationcenter.com. It’s a free website and you can go there to get several

relaxation techniques. Many of them will work great in an office setting as well.

Conscious relaxation works on many levels. We said it works physiologically. It

slows down your heart, it relaxes your muscles, it helps you feel better. But it

also works psychologically as well. It slows down your thoughts and reactions. It

reduces your anxiety and puts you in a position to break free of your anger, and

puts you back in control.

[End of recording.]


MANAGE EMOTIONS IN THE WORKPLACE MODULE FOUR – CHANGING THE WAY YOU THINK Module number four – Changing the Way You Think. A key to controlling your emotions

is changing the way you think. Remember, thoughts create feelings that create

behaviors. In order to change a feeling, we have to first change the thought.

Despite the complexities of our brain, it’s nearly impossible to think about two

things at once – especially when you focus on one of two thoughts. Conscious

breathing makes you focus on the breathing – on relaxing your muscles. It draws

attention away from the hot buttons that someone just pushed. And remember,

because our thoughts affect the way we feel, when we start to change these

thoughts we automatically change the way we feel. There’s a number of ways to

change your thoughts. Obviously the first one here that we’ve been talking about

is to think of something else. I really don’t mean anything fancy here. I mean

whatever your hot button is, think of something different. How about where

you’re going to spend your vacation? How about what do you want to have for

lunch today? What about how did your favorite sports team do last night? See, it

really doesn’t matter what you think about. You just need to think about

something different than the hot button. And hot buttons are fueled for angry

thoughts. I’m not sure how I sound today. I probably sound pretty mellow. But

there are times when I get so fired up that I can’t think of anything to calm me

down. My family doesn’t work, thinking about friends, thinking about making lots

of money, the lottery, vacations, white sandy beaches with crystal clear water –

none of it works. And when I try my best, but I can’t conjure up any relaxing

images, I fall back on the second concept. That’s to use the word “stop.” Every


time I find myself with a thought that’s blocking me from coping or from being

able to control my anger, I say “stop”. And if I’m by myself or in my office or

cube, I actually say it out loud. If I’m around other people, I say it quietly or just

repeat the process in my thoughts. So if I have an angry thought, I say “stop”. It

usually goes away. If it comes back, I say “stop” again. Eventually it fades until

it finally goes away. You can also try to divert your attention with something that

requires concentration, such as work. You can also try something that relaxes

you, such as music. Again, what we’re trying to do here is we’re trying to change

our thoughts. Easy, right? Well sometimes this one is a lot easier said than it’s

done. But we’re getting there. And we’re teaching you some of those techniques

that over time as you practice it, this becomes a habit. And new habits create

new thoughts, create new emotions, create new behaviors. One inch over time

creates the mile of difference that we’re looking to experience. So take for

example the next time you get a particularly annoying email, instead of getting

mad, instead of getting frustrated, how about consciously relax, stop, and just

listen to some music? Divert your attention. Don’t focus on the email. Focus on

something else. But what do you do if someone is right there in front of you?

What do you do if they’re right there in your face? Let’s say for example you’re

having a conversation with someone and it starts to get heated. Then that

person says the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard. I mean you can’t just

walk away and go listen to some music. That’s probably not very practical. In

those cases, you need something special – something that’s fast-acting and

something you can do without adding fuel to the fire. So let me tell you what I’m


going to recommend and that’s simply: count to ten. And I know you’ve heard

this before – your childhood teacher was right. If you’re listening to someone and

getting upset, pause mentally. In the back of your mind, distract yourself by

counting to ten. Now don’t do it out loud. They shouldn’t see your lips moving.

And when all else fails, if you can’t do that, say something like, “You know what?

I’m going to need a little bit of time.” Take a walk. Get a drink of water. Count to

ten while you’re away. Calm yourself down. Have you ever been in a situation

where you didn’t take that time, and the situation escalated? You may have said

some things that you didn’t mean. You may have even burnt a bridge you didn’t

want to burn. See, it’s very easy to do that when we get into heated arguments,

when we get into discussions. We get pushed over the edge, and before we

know it we’re saying things that we really don’t want to be saying. We’re burning

some bridges that it’s going to take us maybe days, maybe weeks, maybe

months, maybe even years to repair. And some of those bridges may never get

repaired. So take the time to count to ten. Those are two of the three techniques

for calming down in the heat of the battle. The first is a time out – walk away,

remove yourself. The second is counting to ten. And the final tip to avoid

practicing aggression, people used to be told to get it out of their system. Let it

all out. Sometimes they were encouraged to express their anger aggressively.

But think about it. Does the philosophy make sense? I mean let’s use a smoker,

for example. Would you tell a smoker who’s trying to quit and having a craving

for a cigarette, “Well just go get it out of your system and have a cigarette. It will

be okay.” Of course not. All that’s doing is reinforcing that behavior. What I’m


saying is it’s just not common sense. The science backs it up as well. Studies

now indicate that practiced aggression does not dissipate anger. Aggressive

behavior reinforces and acts as practice for real aggression. So in other words, if

we act aggressively, we become more aggressive. We’re going to change focus

here just a little bit. Up to this point, we’ve talked about how to prevent yourself

from losing your cool. But even with all of the techniques we’ve discussed, we’re

still human. It may happen. There may be times when one of us – one of our hot

buttons gets pushed and we fly off the handle. It can and most likely will happen.

But if you ever do explode, what you don’t want to do is be passive and let the

pieces fall where they may. Let me say that again: If you do explode, don’t be

passive and let the pieces fall where they may. The damage could certainly be

permanent. You want to be active, take action, and you could earn back some of

the credibility of those broken relationships. By doing this, you’ll be able to

change the way you think over the next weeks, months, and years.

[End of recording.]


MANAGE EMOTIONS IN THE WORKPLACE MODULE FIVE – HANDLING EMOTIONALLY CHARGED SITUATIONS Let’s go back to Bob. He’s fuming over the shipment not being mailed to his client. He

calls the shipping manager to complain and the manager assures him that all the

orders are double-checked and that Bob must have made a mistake. Well, Bob

certainly doesn’t want to hear that. He raises his voice and lets the manager

know that he shouldn’t tell him how to do his job, and it’s not his fault. “You hired

an incompetent employee. Get it fixed or I’ll talk to your boss myself.” He slams

the phone down without even waiting for a response. How did Bob handle that

situation on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being horrible, 10 being awesome? I think we

might agree it’s probably closer to the 1 than he was to the 10. Did he handle it

as well as he could have? Well, with a few extra skills, Bob might be able to

handle that conversation just a little bit better next time. I mean he really flew off

the handle here, and he certainly did not build any relationships with that

shipping vendor. So let’s give Bob some tools to be able to handle that

conversation just a little bit better next time. The first step we’re going to teach

Bob, and we’re going to teach you as well, is you’ve got to admit your mistake.

Acknowledge that the action was not productive. The second step is to address

the problem. This means you’re going to want to ask questions in order to obtain

information to solve the real issue – not the emotional issue. And number three,

you’re going to disassociate from criticism. You’re going to use a SMART action

plan to solve the problem. A SMART action plan is the type of plan where it’s an

acronym. Your action plan should be Specific, Measurable, it should be

Achievable, Rewarding, Time-specific, and monitored. It’s monitored with those


that are involved and communicated, too. Step four is going back to ask: what

did you learn from this situation? And step number five: you can let go and just

forgive yourself. Let’s see what happens when we teach Bob these five steps?

Well, after Bob has his little outburst, let me share with you the rest of the story.

Bob went off and he thought about things. He realized that his tantrum didn’t

solve the issue. If anything it damaged the relationship with the vendor. So Bob

went for a walk. He calmed down. He decided to resolve things, so he came up

with a plan and called the shipping manager back. Now of course the shipping

manager wasn’t really excited to hear back from Bob. But Bob – he started with

step one: He apologized for his outburst. Then he moved to step number two.

He explained that the orders to his clients have not been going out on time or

correctly, and the manager acknowledged that this was true. So Bob asked why

the manager thought this was happening. The manager didn’t really have any

explanation, so Bob and the manager pulled a copy of Bob’s order form and the

general information that Bob provided was on the first page. But when Bob

referred to page two, the manager said there was no page two. Through

discussion, they determined that the online order form was being cut off after the

first page. Their orders were being cut short. So step number three: Bob then

ignored the manager’s criticism that Bob’s department was the one that created

the form, and that he’s to be blamed for not catching the error. Together they

worked out a SMART action plan so it addressed how and when the form would

be reformatted, so that the entire form would go through to shipping. Bob called

his customer back and explained the situation. She wasn’t entirely happy that it


happened, but she was glad that she would be getting her lost order and others

would be correct going forward. She was happy that this was going to be an

overnight order. Step number four, Bob realized that mistakes happen. And for

about two weeks after the change, he copied himself on all the orders just to

make sure the order form wasn’t being cut off. In step five, the shipping manager

was short with Bob for a while, but Bob let the issue go, and soon the manager

did, too. And soon the business relationship resumed as normal. We can see

that by following this step-by-step guide we can do or best to salvage the

situation when we have an outburst. But what can you do when it’s not your

outburst – it’s somebody else’s? Well how can we deal with conflict when it’s

staring us clearly in the face? How do we resolve issues so that anger does not

become a recurring issue in our office? Angry people have many different tactics

they use to draw us into their world of anger. By understanding these tactics,

you can quickly identify them and inoculate yourself to their lure. The first of this

is to know the faces of anger. This is aggressive, passive, and passive-

aggressive. We often consider exploding anger as the scariest or the hardest

face to deal with. However, concealed anger is much more difficult to recognize

because people mask it. Regardless of all three of these behaviors, all of them

are win-lose or lose-lose approaches to anger. We’re going to review them. As

we go through them, I want you to think about the behaviors in each type and

how it’s demonstrated. And just jot down next to them any time that you may use

this style. We need to first become conscious of what we are doing in order to be

able to change it. Now of course we also want to recognize when others are


using it as well. So keep your eyes open and ears open for that as well. The first

is aggression. It’s the hot face of anger, right there in the open. Passive and

passive-aggression are cold, hidden faces of anger. When we look at aggressive

people, they’re the ones that blow up, and then the situation blows over.

Aggressive behavior is blaming, it’s attacking, it’s criticizing, and people can act

aggressive when they feel criticized or put down, shamed. It’s used as a tool for

them to get what they want. Now some people are addicted to anger.

Aggressive people use anger as power and control. They use it to intimidate.

They may have the intent to harm. So aggressive behavior is based on the

feeling that you must be strong, in control, must not compromise. Winning is

everything. “I have to stay on my guard, and people are trying to take things that

are mine”, they might think. And it stops people from really having to deal with

the true issues at hand. So we’re going to go back to my friend Bob. He’s in the

office and he’s got a problem. One of his colleagues listens to music in their

cube way too loud. Bob’s upset because he’s under pressure to get a deadline

completed. But he can't focus because in the cube next door, it sounds like

there’s a block party going on. So Bob yells over his cube, “Turn that down! Are

you deaf or just dumb? This is a business!” The music instantly turns off. So

what’s the outcome of this exchange? Well Bob got his needs met, but it was

certainly at the expense of his colleague. Now, let’s look at the next face of

anger, and that’s passive. Passive people repress or internalize anger. They

withdraw to avoid any conflict. These people often fear loss of control or

rejection. They hide any disagreement, and the result is they don’t get their


needs met. And they can actually get sick from it. People who fear anger often

hide from it. They avoid dealing with things. They withdraw or act helpless.

Sometimes they project their anger on to others. And they may direct their anger

toward themselves as well. So what would happen here if Bob went passive on

that noisy neighbor? Now remember that he’s upset because he has some

important deadlines and can’t focus with the block party in the next cube. Bob

doesn’t say anything. He just pouts in his cube, figuring out what could he do? If

he can't tune out the noise and focus on his own, he decides that he deserves

whatever reprimand the supervisor gives him. What’s the outcome of this

exchange? Well it’s that Bob doesn’t get his needs met. He accommodates his

colleague at his own expense. The colleague doesn’t even have any idea that

Bob is upset. And the third face we’re going to want to look at is the passive

aggressive. Now passive aggressive behavior is expressing anger indirectly

through sarcasm, rumors, people who ask innocent questions. They’ll suddenly

be late, they’ll “accidently” lose or forget something. They use paraverbal

communication, or body language to act angry. But they don’t deny their anger.

Passive aggressive behavior can be very sneaky. People can be very, very, very

angry, but act like they’re not at all. And these people don’t admit that they’re

angry, but enjoy making others pay. They often say yes when they mean no.

And people kind of figure it out because the anger leaks out through other

means. So if we go back to Bob, if Bob is stressing over his tight deadlines and

he’s turned a new leaf, the next time the music is bumped in his neighbor’s cube,

Bob doesn’t say anything. People can tell something’s bothering him, but he


certainly denies it. He just says, “Well, I didn’t sleep well.” But he obsesses over

the music all day. The next day he brings in a CD called American Idol – Worst

Editions Ever, and he plays it all morning at a ridiculous decibel level. So by

lunchtime, the entire department is mumbling. So what is the outcome here?

Well Bob still isn’t getting his needs met and he’s going to do his darndest to

make sure nobody else is, either. Let’s recap. What are the outcomes for

expressing anger in these ways? If you’re aggressive, you get your own needs

met, but it’s at the expense of others. If you’re passive, you accommodate others

at your own expense. And passive aggressive, well no one gets their needs met.

You don’t get your needs met, and the other person certainly doesn’t get their

needs met. The point here is that when we look at these approaches, we see

that they all have one thing in common, and that’s the inability to perceive things

honestly, clearly, and objectively. It doesn’t matter how we express it – whether

it’s a hot-head or withdrawn and cold. Our thinking becomes irrational. It

becomes distorted. Until we can gain control of our thoughts, it’s going to be

very difficult to have any positive outcomes. Another tactic that angry people use

is distorted thinking. They come in the form of filters, which they only focus on

things that build their case. Then we have polarity. These are perceptions that

get farther and farther apart. It becomes an all or nothing. Shoulds – those

become inflexible rules, absolute rules about behavior. You need to be right.

Should I have done this? Should you have done that? Then we have

personalizing. That’s how people should act, and what I think, that must be true.

Then we’ve got exaggerating. That’s when you magnify the intensity or degree


of the problem. Then we have labeling where you generalize. You place

everything into a category. And lastly is mind reading. When you think you know

exactly what people are thinking – and especially what people are thinking about

you. And when people start thinking with distorted thinking, they use these to

build their case and then they try to lure you in to their thinking. Now when

you’re in a confrontation with an angry person, you have to remember – it doesn’t

matter if it’s passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive. You don’t want to feed

in to his or her distorted thinking. They’re not thinking clearly and they will try to

suck you in, too. You don’t want that to happen. You have to maintain control.

You have to do that by counting to ten, by saying stop, by backing yourself out of

the situation. You want to have a clear success plan in what to do when you

encounter these situations. So for a moment, let’s go ahead and look back at

these faces of anger that we’ve discussed, and I want you to think for a moment

– do you fit into any of these categories? Perhaps it depends on the audience

that you’re speaking to. Maybe you’re passive with your boss, but aggressive

with your coworkers, or maybe you really don’t fit into a model at all because

there’s actually a fourth approach, and one that differs from all three. Passive –

we’re all born either passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive. That’s in our

nature. But what the fourth model is is actually learned. And for us to be

effective in handling our emotions, we need to learn this fourth model and it’s

called assertive. This approach can be described as expressive, respecting,

confident, open, and productive. Now assertive people express anger when it’s

important and when it’s worth it. They’re able to say what they want and


describe the situation objectively without assigning blame. People who use the

assertive model when it’s their intention to express themselves and

communicate, they do it openly. They do it respectfully. And it’s productive.

Seeking to get your needs met while respecting the needs of others is the key to

being assertive. It’s upholding your rights without disrespecting the rights of

others. When we approach anger assertively, we work to meet our own needs

without stepping on the rights of others. Now there’s a simple script that you can

use when dealing with anger to be assertive. It sounds like this: I feel – and then

insert the emotion. When you – add the behavior. Because I think – tell the

person what you think. Then tell them what you want. What I would like is – and

finish with your request. So it might sound something like, “I feel frustrated when

you get up and leave when we’re talking because I think you’re not interested in

what I’m saying. What I would like is for you to listen and wait until I am done

speaking before you get up and leave.” That’s a very simple phrase that you can

use to be able to be more assertive when you encounter the anger of other

people. Let’s go back to Bob. Now Bob’s got his CD spinning cube mate with a

block party. How can he handle this? The next time the music comes up, Bob

goes over to his colleague. And remember, we’re going to follow along the script

here. Bob says, “I feel distracted and stressed with my workload when you have

your music turned up so loud because I think, well I can’t think. I’m not going to

be able to meet my deadlines. What I would like is for you to turn the music

down so I can’t hear it.” And Bob’s neighbor apologizes. He tells him he had no

idea that anyone had a problem with his music. He thought everyone in the


department liked the music and that’s why he had it turned up so loud. He said

he’ll keep it down from now on. It was just that simple. Bob just needed to ask

for what he wanted. So let’s look at the outcome here. Bob’s needs are met. He

can get his work done, and he respected the needs of the other person. He can

still listen to the music. It’s a win-win situation. And that’s the great news. As

long as people are people, there’s going to be anger. But there’s got to be a

more positive way to handle the anger. So let me give you some specific tips on

how to handle anger. First, focus on the issue – not the person. This isn’t a time

for name calling. This isn’t a time for blaming. We want to focus on specifically

what the issue is. Second, talk about one issue at a time. This means look at

specifically what that issue is and talk about the past or things that have

happened before. Also, make sure to hear each other out. Take time to listen in

order that you can get all the information so that you know what the concerns

really are. Tips number four, five, six and seven is start with assuming everyone

has good intentions. This is really a win-win situation. Then enforce the right to

disagree. It’s okay if you don’t agree with everything they say. Next, make sure

you pit the people against problems, and not against other people. And number

seven, explore the problem before generating solutions. This means truly

understand what the real issue is. Once you understand what the issue is, these

rules of thumb are going to make it a whole lot easier for you to resolve the

problems. Tips number eight, nine, and ten is focus on the interests – not the

position. Number nine, focus on the benefits. What are the benefits of resolving

this? And lastly, use “I” statements. You want to avoid “you” statements – you


said this, you did that. Instead, I heard – when you said, I heard – and focus on

the I statements of you. It’s much less blaming and allows the other person to

communicate much more freely. Tips number 11, 12, 13, 14 and 15 is remember

we talked about hot buttons? Avoid your hot buttons. If you know where they

are, try to stay out of those situations. Avoid dealing with those hot buttons.

Number 12, pay attention to your paraverbal communication and your body

language. Remember that paraverbal and body language are your main

communication tools, and if someone is going to listen to what you say or how

you say it, they’re going to pay more attention to how you said it than what you

said. Number 13, be careful of your sighs. These are huge red flags of anger,

frustration. Sighin is just such a tough indicator, and it’s tough to recover from

that. Number 14, keep your hands to yourself. Sometimes when we put our

hands too close to other people, it incites anger. So we want to keep our hands

within our close body sphere. And number 15, make sure we’re conveying

interests, but don’t be patronizing. Nobody wants to be patronized. It comes off

as sarcasm and it does not come off as sincere. So there’s a lot of rules of

thumb we looked at there. So let’s put these together to look at some

approaches that you can use. Now of course not every approach is going to

work in every situation, and not every approach works with every person. So I’m

going to give you three approaches. If you like one, keep it. If you don’t, try

something else. There are tons of approaches to dealing with emotions. I just

want to give you three specific approaches to handling outbursts in other people

that can help you to move forward. The first one comes from Stephen Covey.


It’s in the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. He calls it: seek first to

understand. This is where we listen, ask questions, and blend. Listening

involves tuning in to what’s happening. Covey suggests we go further and listen

empathetically. Don’t just actively listen. Listen where you can really put

yourself in the other person’s place, with empathy. Eliminate your story. Forget

what you would do, or how you would think. Just listen and make use of active

nonverbal. Be aware of your tone and body language. Listen to the other

person’s tone and body language. What are they really saying? What are their

silent motivators? And maybe lean a little forward to let them know you’re really

paying attention. Next is: make sure to ask questions and encourage logical

thinking. You could ask some things like, “what evidence is there towards this?”

Are there any exceptions? Do all the facts support this? What are the chances

that will happen? And of course the last step is: blend with them to get in step.

You want to find things in common, use common language. And this will help to

build rapport and overcome the challenge at hand. Now the second approach is

broken down into five specific steps. Step number one is: stay calm. You need

to stay in control of yourself so that that anger doesn’t infect you. Number two:

take their emotions seriously. Don’t blow them off. Don’t pretend like they’re just

joking. That’s not going to help them. Number three: to help them cool off,

provide a physical and emotional outlet. Allow them to talk, allow them to speak.

If you want to speak slower, this can help them slow down as well. But be

careful. Don’t say, “Calm down.” This is probably one of the worst things you

could do to help them cool off. It only makes it worse. Now if you need to, take a


break. But again, make sure to go back to deal with the real situation. Number

four is: be assertive and uphold your rights. While you don’t want to be offensive

or aggressive, it’s still not helpful to come across as passive or intimidated. Step

number five is: move to a constructive discussion and problem solving. Ask how

the situation can be solved immediately. What’s the best thing to do? You don’t

want to move towards solving or suggesting until you actually listened. And this

is approach number two. Now the third approach is one we’ve actually talked

about, and it’s the same approach we suggested when dealing with managing

your own emotions. The only difference here is we’ve eliminated the step

number one, which is apologizing. So when anger flares up at work, I want you

to review these three techniques as a quick reference. Have them available in

your top drawer. Review them from time to time because remember, anger is

infectious. But you can inoculate yourself from it if you have the tools and you

continue to review them on a regular basis.

[End of recording.]

Documents

Manage Emotions Workplace Term Definition Introduced in · PDF filefirst key to unlocking the key of managing the emotions. This comes from three areas – thoughts, feelings, and