Male Deportment"Awkwardness of attitude betrays a want of good home training and physical culture. A man should not lounge in a chair, nurse his leg, caress his foot crossed over his knee or bite his nails. A gentleman is allowed more freedom

than a lady. He may sit cross-legged if he wish, but should not sit with his knees far apart, nor with his foot on his knee. In indicating an object, move the whole hand, or the head, but never point the finger. All should be quiet and graceful, either in their sitting or standing position."Rules of Etiquette and Home Culture, 1886

"A good manner is the best letter of recommendation among strangers. Civility, refinement and gentleness are passports to hearts and homes, while awkwardness, coarseness and gruffness are met with locked doors and closed hearts".

Our Deportment. 1881

"Never scratch your head, pick your teeth, clean your nails, or worse of all, pick your nose in company; all these things are disgusting. Spit as little as possible and never upon the floor.If you are going into the presence of ladies, beware of onions, spirits and tobacco."The Art of Good Behavior. 1845

"It is a great thing to be able to walk like a gentleman--that is, to get rid of that awkward, lounging, swinging gate of a clown and stop before you reach the affected and flippant step of the dandy. In short, nothing but being a gentleman can give you the air and step of one"Martine's Handbook. 1866

"A gentleman never sits in the house with his hat on in the presence of ladies for a single moment. Indeed, so strong is the force of habit that a gentleman will quite unconsciously remove his hat on entering a parlor, or drawing room, even if there is no one present but himself. People who sit in the house with their hats on are to be suspected of having spent most of their time in bar rooms and similar places"Martine's Handbook 1866

"...one must advance or thrust forward the chest or sternum, by drawing back the tops of the shoulders, taking care to keep them down; and at the same time holding the arms a little forward, so that the hands may be in a line with the foreside of the thighs. The head is to be held back in a

becoming manner, but without stiffness; and the chin kept down, but not so as to give the figure an air of constraint"

"No lady is ever seen to spit," (Middle Class Urban Values)These excerpts from an 1855 etiquette manual offer an example of the detailed social proscriptions and rituals that guided middle-class life in the antebellum city. Most of the era’s etiquette advice emphasized the importance of emotional and physical self-control, displays of restraint that would separate the respectable from the uncouth. These selections also reflect the difficulty of maintaining privacy and decorum in crowded city spaces.

Carefully avoid performing certain necessities of the toilet in company. I have known a man, who thought

very well of his agreeable qualities, to go into a lady’s room, and while conversing with her, deliberately

take off his shoes and stockings, and begin to cut his toe nails! Scraping and cleaning the finger nails is

bad enough; but digging out the ears, putting the fingers in the nostrils or to the nose, picking the teeth,

scratching the head, or any part of the person, are acts that require the strictest privacy. By all means,

avoid the habit of any such unmannerliness; and resolutely break such a habit, if you have been so

unfortunate as to contract it.

No lady is ever seen to spit. A gentleman should avoid it, as far as possible. The saliva was intended to

be swallowed. . . . It is an excrement of the body, and should be disposed of as privately as any other. . . .

The use of tobacco has made us a nation of spitters, and no delicate minded person can pass along the

streets, enter into a public conveyance, stop at a hotel, or even go to church without being brought into

contact with this nuisance of expectoration.

Each man—each woman, is sovereign. They belong to themselves first of all: and then to those upon

whom they please to bestow themselves. Around every person there is a certain sphere of repulsion, into

which no one ought to intrude. It is an impoliteness, a rudeness; it is even an affront and an outrage to

come within a certain distance of any person without permission, expressed or implied. Every body must

keep their distance, and endeavor to know that their distance is. To run against a man, is an act which

demands apology—when purposely done, it is a gross affront. To slap a man on the back is a rudeness.

To put yourself in personal contact with him in any way, you should be entirely certain that such contact is

desirable, and that you are acting up to the law of supply of demand. In a gentleman’s conduct towards a

lady, these rules are still more imperative.

You have no right to draw near, speak to, or touch, any person unless you have the right to believe that

such presence, address, or contact is desirable; and it is not to be presumed upon.

The right of individual privacy; to be alone; to have command of one’s time, thoughts and actions, is

continually violated. Husbands and wives; children and parents; brothers and sisters; friends and

neighbors; and even strangers, are continually intruding upon the lives and rights of each other.

Source: The Illustrated Manners Book: A Manual of Good Behavior and Polite Accomplishments. New York. Leland Clay, &

Co., 1855

Rules of Public Conduct, 1836

For antebellum-era middle-class urbanites, the rules of conduct for public and private social encounters

were complex and precise. This 1836 etiquette manual lays out detailed instructions for managing social

interactions in public, describing the intricacies of actions and responses based on gender, social status,

and past communication.

It is a mark of high breeding not to speak to a lady in the street, until you perceive that she has noticed

you by an inclination of the head.

Some ladies courtesy [curtsy] in the street, a movement not gracefully consistent with locomotion. They

should always bow.

If an individual of the lowest rank, or without any rank at all, takes off his hat to you, you should do the

same in return. A bow, says La Fontaine, is a note drawn at sight. If you acknowledge it, you must pay the

full amount. The two best-bred men in England, Charles the Second and George the Fourth, never failed

to take off their hats to the lowliest of their subjects.

Avoid condescending bows to your friends and equals. If you meet a rich parvenu*, whose consequence

you wish to reprove, you may salute him in a very patronizing manner: or else, in acknowledging his bow,

look somewhat surprised and say, "Mister--eh--eh?"

If you have remarkably fine teeth, you may smile affectionately upon the bowee, without speaking.

In passing ladies of rank, whom you meet in society, bow, but do not speak.

If you have anything to say to any one in the street, especially a lady, however intimate you may be, do

not stop the person, but turn round and walk in company; you can take leave at the end of the street.

If there is any one of your acquaintance, with whom you have a difference, do not avoid looking at him,

unless from the nature of things the quarrel is necessarily for life. It is almost always better to bow with

cold civility, though without speaking.

As a general rule never cut** any one in the street. Even political and steamboat acquaintances should be

noticed by the slightest movement in the world. If they presume to converse with you, or stop you to

introduce their companion, it is then time to use your eye-glass, and say, "I never knew you."

If you address a lady in the open air, you remain uncovered until she has desired you twice to put on your

hat. In general, if you are in any place where etiquette requires you to remain uncovered or standing, and

a lady, or one much your superior, requests you to be covered or to sit, you may how off the command. If

it is repeated, you should comply. You thereby pay the person a marked, but delicate, compliment, by

allowing their will to be superior to the general obligations of etiquette.

* a person who has suddenly risen to a higher economic status but has not gained social acceptance of

others in that class

** ignore; snub; fail to acknowledge

Source: The Laws of Etiquette, or, Short Rules and Reflections for Conduct in Society. By a Gentleman. Philadelphia: 1836.

Greetings"To a casual acquaintance you may bow without speaking; but to those with whom you are well acquainted greater cordiality is due. A bow should always be returned; even to an enemy it is courtesy to return his recognition.""Hill's Manual of Forms" 1873"Between gentlemen, an inclination of the head, a gesture of the hand, or a mere touching of the hat is sufficient; but in bowing to a lady, the hat must be lifted from the head.""The body is not bent at all in bowing; the inclination of the head is all that is necessary"Our Deportment 1881"In meeting a lady it is optional with her whether she shall pause to speak. If the gentleman has anything to say to her, he should not stop her, but turn around and walk in her company until he has said what he has to say, when he may leave her with a bow and a lift of the hat."Our Deportment, 1881"One should always recognize lady acquaintances in the street, either by bowing or words of greeting, a gentleman lifting his hat. If they stop to speak, it is not obligatory to shake hands. Shaking hands [between a lady and gentleman] is not forbidden, but in most cases it is to be avoided in public."Our Deportment, 1881"If...you have been introduced to a person whose acquaintance you do not desire, you may merely make the formal bow of etiquette when you meet him, which, of itself, encourages no familiarity; but the bow is indispensible, for he cannot be thought a gentleman who would pass another with a vacant stare, after having been formally presented to him...What is called 'cutting' another is never practiced by gentlemen or ladies, except in some extraordinary instances of bad conduct on the part of the

individual thus sacrificed"Martine's Handbook, 1866

Calling"Calling" was a somewhat ritualized version of the fine old American custom of "visiting". It was not nearly so important for the gentleman as it was for the lady. It generally fell upon the middle class lady to do what had to be done to hold "Society" together. Even if the gentleman was doing the calling, it was generally the lady who was receiving callers. Ladies did not call on gentlemen except on matters of business. Gentleman called on one another with little ceremony.

"If you are thrown amongst fashionable people, you must not pay a visit to a lady before two o'clock PM, nor after four, as if you call before that time, you will interrupt those avocations which more or less occupy every lady in the early part of the day: if later than four o'clock, you will prevent her driving out"Hints on Etiquette, 1836

"[Calls]..are those of ceremony, friendship and condolence, and occupy no small portion of time.Such visits are necessary, in order to maintain good feelings between members of society......Professional men, are not however, expected to pay such visits, because their time is preoccupied; but they form almost the only exception"Martine's Handbook, 1866

"If your friend or acquaintance is [away] from home, leave a card...the servant will answer your inquiry and receive your card; but on no account ask leave to go in and rest; neither urge your wish if you fancy the lady whom you desire to see is really at home or even if you flatter yourself that she would make an exception in your favor. Some people think that the form of words 'not at home' is readily understood to mean that the master or mistress of the house have no wish to see even his or her most intimate acquaintances."Martine's Handbook, 1866

"A gentleman when making a formal call should retain his hat and gloves in his hands on entering the room. The hat should not be laid upon the table or stand, unless it is found necessary from some cause to set it down. In that case, place it upon the floor. An umbrella should be left in the hall. In an informal call, the hat, gloves, overcoat and cane may be left in the hall."Our Deportment, 1881

"When one moves into a new neighborhood, it is the place of the neighbors to extend the hand of welcome to the strangers. The ladies should call on Mrs. A, the newcomer, just as soon as they think she is settled. And the gentleman should make it a point to get acquainted Mr. A, if not by a call, by speaking to him in the drug store or where ever they may meet...Where a woman makes calls in the afternoon, it is always cheery for the hostess to offer a cup of tea with crackers or cake...It does not seem necessary to have visiting cards. In a small place everyone knows who everyone is, and while it is all right to have them, still they are oftener not used than used. The name of the caller is left by saying "Tell Mr. A that Mr. B called; nothing important".NOTE: I included this as it is a rare glimpse (rare at least for etiquette books) at what the vast majority of Americans were doing. It was placed in the book to contrast country manners with city manners. These, of course, are country manners.Correct Social Usage, 1903

"Besides leaving a card, leave all the small articles of value that you may find lying about in the dressing room"The Cynic's Rules of Conduct, 1905

Calling Cards for Ladies

A married lady with teen-age daughters. Tuesday is the day upon which she is "at home" to callers. Note that her husband is named "Ingram", not she.

The card of a lady married to a doctor. Married ladies included their husband's name and titles on their cards. They would not use their own first name unless they were widows. Widows would keep the "Mrs".

The card of an unmarried woman.

A card shared by more than one unmarried daughter

The flowery style of card of which the etiquette books disapproved. Note the hand written name (in pencil) of the owner. The card is larger than the plainer, more tasteful variety. While generally condemned by etiquette books such cards must have been quite popular, as many have survived.

The business card of a female psychic. One of my particular favorites.

Calling Cards and the Etiquette of Paying

Calls

by Michelle Hoppe

HistoryBy the beginning of the 19th century, the etiquette of calling was a firmly established ritual in society, and the calling card an essential part of introductions, invitations and visits. Calling cards evolved in England as a way for people to get into the elite social circle, and for those already there to keep out the unwanted. Calling cards could keep social aspirants at a distance until they could be properly screened.

The CardsA lady's card was larger than a gentleman's, who had to fit his in his breast pocket. Cards during the Regency era were smaller than the 9 x 6 cm of the Victorian era. A lady's card may be glazed, while her husband's was not.

The engraving was in simple type, small and without flourishes, although script became more elaborate as the century went on. A simple 'Mr.' Or 'Mrs.' before the name was sufficient, except in the case of acknowledgement of rank (Earl, Viscount, etc.). Early Victorian cards bore only a person's title and name, with the name of their house or district sometimes added. By the end of the century, the address was added to the card, and when applicable, a lady's reception day.

Visiting card cases were made of a variety of materials, including silver, ivory and papier-mache. Their lids during the 1830s often depicted views of castles, such as Warwick or Winsdor. By the 1840s, after Queen Victoria's purchase of Balmoral, Scottish views became popular. Cases during the Regency were primarily of filigree, leather and tortoiseshell. Victorians preferred ivory, tortoiseshell and woodwork. Because gold and other metals were expensive, only the wealthy could afford cases made of these substances.

Victorian cards were larger than their earlier counterparts, so only a few were carried at a time.

Rules for Calls and Leaving Cards

A lady would start making calls as soon as she arrived in Town, to notify everyone that her family had arrived. She remained in her carriage while her groom took her card and handed it in.

The card was conveyed to the mistress of the house, who would then decide whether or not to receive the caller. If the mistress was 'not at home', it was a rejection of the visitor. A reciprocal card may be given to the caller, but if not presented formally, that usually meant there was no desire to further the acquaintance. If, however, a formal call was returned with a formal call, there was hope for the relationship to grow.

Cards from visitors were placed on a silver salver in the entry hall--the more impressive names displayed on top. The trays had a pie-crust rim so the cards would not slip off. In less wealthy households, china bowls were used to hold cards.

For a first call, one was wise to simply leave the card without inquiring as to whether or not the mistress was at home. She would then take the next step.

By mid-century, a wife could leave her husband's card for him. She left her own card, plus two of her husband's--one for the mistress of the house, and one for the master. The names of grown-up daughters could be printed on her card when they accompanied her on a call as long as they were still living at home.

A turned-down corner indicated that the card had been delivered in person, rather than by a servant. Some elaborate cards had the words Visite, Felicitation, Affaires, and Adieu imprinted on the reverse side, on the corners. So whichever corner was turned up, one of those corners appeared and explained the reason for the visit.

Calls should be made only on At Home days. Days and times for these were engraved on visiting cards.

A newcomer waited until she received cards from neighbors. It was then good manners to call on those neighbors who left cards.

Formal calls were made following ceremonial events such as marriage or childbirth, and also as acknowledgement of hospitality. Calls for condolence and congratulations were made about a week after the event. If intimate, a visitor may ask for admission. If not, they inquired of the servant as to the person's well-being.

Ceremonial visits were made the day after a ball, when it sufficed to simply leave a card. Or within a day or two after a dinner party, and within a week of a small party.

Times were allocated for each type of call. 'Morning calls' were made in the afternoon. 'Ceremonial calls' were made between three and four o'clock, semi-ceremonial between four and five, and intimate calls between five and six--but never on Sunday, the day reserved for close friends and relatives.

Visits were short, lasting from twenty to thirty minutes. If another caller arrived during a visit, the first caller left within a moment or two.

A call should be returned with a call, a card with a card, within one week, or at the most, ten days.

If a family was temporarily leaving the area, they wrote P.P.C. (pour prendage conge) on their cards when they called.

http://trulyvictorian.com/history/1840.html

The Etiquette of the Ballroom

Ladies and gentlemen were on their best behavior in the ballroom. Manners were more formal, clothing was finer, and bows were deeper.Men were expected to be extremely active in the ballroom to make up for the passivity required of ladies; who could not ask gentlemen to dance, and who could not even be seen to cross the dance floor unescorted. Ladies would be conveyed to their station by a gentleman, and there they would

wait until another gentleman came to speak to them, ask them to dance or convey them to the punchbowl."The gentleman should call for the lady whom he is to escort, go with her to the ball, escort her to the dressing room, return to join her there when she is ready to go to the reception room... engage her company for the first dance, and escort her to supper when she is ready to go. He must watch and see that she has a partner for dancing through the entire evening. Upon reaching home, if the lady invites him in, he must decline. It is his duty to call in two days"."A gentleman should always walk around a lady's train and never attempt to step over it. If by accident he should tread upon her dress, he should beg her pardon, and if by greater awkwardness he should tear it, he must offer to escort her to the dressing room so that it may be repaired. If in the ball room a lady asks any favor of a gentleman, such as to inquire if her carriage is waiting, he should under no circumstances refuse her requests... well bred gentleman will look after those who are unsought and neglected in the dance".Rules for the BallroomA man who knows how to dance, and refuses to do so, should absent himself from a ball.Noisy talking and boisterous laughter in a ballroom are contrary to the rules of etiquette.In a ballroom, never forget nor confuse your engagements. If such should occur, an apology, of course, must be offered and pleasantly accepted.Always wear white gloves in a ballroom. Very light shades are admissible.Usually a married couple do not dance together in society, but it is a sign of unusual attention for a husband to dance with his wife, and he may do so if he wishes.Great care should be taken by a lady in refusing to dance with a gentleman. After refusing, she should not accept another invitation for the same dance."When gentleman are introduced to ladies at a ball for the purpose of dancing, upon meeting afterward, they should wait to be recognized before speaking; but they are at liberty to recall themselves by lifting their hats in passing. An introduction for dancing does not constitute a speaking acquaintance"[Editor's note: ladies and gentlemen could not dance unless they had been introduced, so the hosts and escort spent much of the evening rushing about making introductions]

All the above quotes are from "Rules of Etiquette & Home Culture" 1886

There are some people who attend the fashionable balls of today, who express contempt for the little requirements of behavior known under the title of etiquette. The conduct of parties attending a ball should be governed by such rules as shall insure the entire company an evening of pleasure.Avoid slang phrases.Never take part in a quadrille without knowing something of the figures.Dancing is subject to much abuse by the thoughtless acquirements of bad habitsDo not romp in dancing.Do not change from one set to another, it may place you with friends for the time, but will not add to your character as partners.Do not make a "grand rush" for places, which we regret to say is so frequent in our ball-rooms.Do not forget that you belong to the set, and not the set to you.Do not forget to thank your partner after seating her, for the favor she has bestowed upon you.Do not dance with your hat or bonnet on, leave them in the dressing room.Should you receive a polite refusal from a lady and then see her dancing with another gentleman, do not exhibit any symptoms of dissatisfaction, should this happen, as it often does, the gentleman is justified in never afterward repeating the request.Do not forget that perfect politeness conceals preference, and makes itself generally agreeable.Do not sway the body with each step.Do not hold the arms stiffly.Do not hold the arms out straight in imitation of a windmill-fan.Do not wait until the music is half over before selecting a partner.It is the duty of a gentleman having a place in a quadrille to have his lady with him, otherwise he forfeits his place.Always recognize the lady or gentleman director or master of ceremonies, with becoming politeness.A lady should never promenade the ball-room alone, nor enter it unaccompanied.

In passing through a quadrille, let your disengaged arm hang easily at the side.Sets should be formed with as little confusion as possibly.The ladies' dressing-room is a sacred precinct, into which no gentleman should presume to look. To enter it would be an outrage not to be forgiven.It is very impolite and insulting to gallop around or inside of other sets while dancing quadrilles.If a gentleman wishes to dance with a lady with whom he is not acquainted, politely ask the master of ceremonies for an introduction.The master of ceremonies is privileged to ask any lady or gentleman whether they wish to dance, make himself known and procure partners for all who desire to dance.In asking a lady to dance, be sure that she accepts, and then allow her to rise before you offer your arm.The ball-room was not designed for the purpose of making love.At the close of a quadrille, the gentleman should salute his partner, present his right arm and lead her to a seat selected by her. Etiquette for the Street.All of these quotes are from Prof. Clendenen's fashionable quadrille book and guide to etiquette. (1895)

The bow and curtsy demonstrated (Library of Congress American Memory Project). Yes, it is just that simple (video link here): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WvW1OolXg8g

Table Manners

What's Wrong With This Picture?* He has no jacket at the table.* He's reading a newspaper.* He must be a bad father.

The picture is captioned "The home where table etiquette is ignored rears the ill-bred child" from "Correct Social Usage" 1903

No where was a man's breeding or lack thereof more on display than at the table. While some rules seem a bit quaint, most 19th Century table manners would not be out of place today. People still don't like it when you slurp your soup, or spray food when you talk."Nothing indicates a well bred man more than a proper mode of eating. A man may pass muster by dressing well, and may sustain himself tolerably in conversation; but if he be not perfectly "au fait", dinner will betray him."Hints on etiquette 1836

Manners aside, all was not well at the American table. Numerous commentators noted the absence of the husband from the domestic table, American's refusal to carry on friendly conversation while eating, and a tendency to eat rapidly and get the job of eating over as soon as possible. It was little wonder that dyspepsia (indigestion) was considered an epidemic among American men.A Few Rules* Do not play with the table utensils or crumble the bread.* Do not put your elbows on the table, or sit too far back, or lounge* Do not talk loud or boisterously* Be cheerful in conduct or conversation* Never, if possible, cough or sneeze at the table.* Never tilt back your chair while at the table, or at any other time.* Do not talk when the mouth is full* Never make a noise while eating* Do not open the mouth while chewing, but keep the lips closed. It is not necessary to show people how you masticate your food.* Never indicate that you notice anything unpleasant in the food.* Do not break your bread into the soup, nor mix with gravy. It is bad taste to mix food on the plate.* Never leave the table before the rest of the family or guests, without asking the host or hostess to excuse you.* Eat soup with the side of the spoon, without noise.* The fork is used to convey the food to the mouth, except when a spoon is necessary for liquids.* Raw oysters are eaten with a fork.* If you wish to be served with more tea or coffee, place your spoon in your saucer.* Tea or coffee should never be poured into the saucer to cool, but sipped from the cup.* If a dish is presented to you, serve yourself first and then pass it on.

Rules of Etiquette and Home Culture, 1886

* Never allow butter, soup or other food to remain on your whiskers* Never wear gloves at the table, unless your hands are for some special reason unfit to be seen.* Never, when serving others, overload the plate nor force upon them delicacies which they decline.* Never make a great display when removing hair, insects or other disagreeable things from your food. Place them quietly under the edge of your plate.Hill's Forms* Eat Cheese with a fork, not a knife* Ask a servant in a low tone for what you want* Break your bread, do not cut it.* Eat fruit with silver knives and forks* If you prefer, take up asparagus with the fingers. Olives and artichokes are always so eaten* If a course is set before you that you do not wish, do not touch it.* It is not your business to reprove the waiter for improper conduct; that belongs to your host.* A gentleman must help a lady whom he has escorted to the table, to all she wishes; but it is improper for him to offer to help other ladies who have escorts* Use a napkin only for your mouth. Never use it for your nose, face or forehead.* It is very rude to pick your teeth at the table. If it becomes necessary to do so, hold your napkin over your mouth.

Rules of Etiquette and Home Culture, 1886

"At a sign from the hostess, the ladies all rise from the table, and repairing to the drawing-room, leave the gentlemen to their own devices. But it is a healthy sign that the gentlemen soon follow them. In France the gentlemen and ladies all leave the dinner table together, as indeed they do here, at an informal or family dinner."Polite Society at Home and Abroad, 1891"In America, with the exception of dancing, which is almost wholly confined to the unmarried of both sexes, all the enjoyments of the men are found in the absence of women. They dine, they play cards, they have musical meetings, they have suppers, all in large parties, but without women"Fanny Trollope, Domestic Manners of the Americans.1832

"The company remained a very little while at table, and spoke scarcely a word. They really did not give themselves time to eat their food properly, but bolted it burning hot and not half-chewed, although nobody had anything to do when the meal was over. They seem to have got into the habit of regarding every thing as business, and therefore to be performed with the utmost possible dispatch"A Lady's Journey Round the World, Ida Pfeiffer, 1855

In the Presence of Ladies

"Chesterfield says, 'Civility is particularly due to all women; and, remember, that no provocation whatsoever can justify any man in not being civil to

every woman; and the greatest man would justly be reckoned a brute if he were not civil to the meanest woman. It is due to their sex, and is the only protection they have against the superior strength of ours; nay, even a little is allowable with women; and a man may, without weakness, tell a woman she is either handsomer or wiser than she is'"Martine's Handbook, 1866"When entering a crowded streetcar, a lady should leave the door open. It is quite permissible for her to appropriate the seat of the man who gets up to close it"The Cynic's Rules of Conduct, 1905"A gentleman will assist a lady over a bad crossing, or from an omnibus or carriage, without waiting for the formality of an introduction. When the service is performed, he will raise his hat, bow and pass on."Hill's Forms, 1873

"In passing through a door, the gentleman holds it open for the lady, even though he never saw her before. he also precedes the lady in ascending stairs, and allows her to precede him in descending."Polite Society at Home and Abroad, 1891"Do not press before a lady at a theater or a concert. Always yield to her, if practicable, your seat and place. Do no sit when she is standing, without offering her your place. Consult not only your own ease, but also the comfort of those around you."Martine's Handbook, 1866"It is not deemed polite and respectful to smoke in the presence of ladies, even though they are amiable enough to permit it."Martine's Handbook, 1866"If you meet a lady of your acquaintance in the street, it is her part to notice you first, unless, indeed you are very intimate. The

reason is, if you bow to a lady first, she may not choose to acknowledge you, and there is no remedy; but if she bow to you--you as a gentleman cannot cut her."Hints on Etiquette, 1836

"A gentleman removes his hat when entering a room where there are ladies. When he meets a lady friend, he should raise his hat gracefully..."Polite Society at Home and Abroad, 1891Should one demand the surrender of a seat to a lady in a crowded theater?"To this, we would answer that, if the gallantry of the gentlemen thus situated does not prompt them to proffer the seats in question, it is rudeness to request it. A lady is a lady, it is true; but if she could not come early enough to get a good seat, she cannot expect that spectators who did should inconvenience themselves for her sake"Gody's Ladies Book, Jan 1850"...remember also that really well bred women will not thank you for making them conspicuous by over officiousness in their defense, unless, indeed, there be any serious or glaring violation of decorum. In small matters, ladies are both able and willing to take care of themselves, and would prefer being allowed to overwhelm the unlucky offender in their own way"

Victorian Gentleman's ClothingWhat a Victorian gentleman ought to wear.

"Any man may be in good spirits and good temper when he's well dressed. There ain't much credit in that.""Dignity, and even holiness too, sometimes, are more questions of coat and waistcoat than some people imagine.""Great men are seldom over-scrupulous in the arrangement of their attire. "Charles Dickens

"A well dressed man does not require so much an extensive as a varied wardrobe. He wants a different costume for every season and every occasion; but if what he selects is simple rather than striking, he may appear in the same clothes as often as he likes, as long as they are fresh and appropriate to the season and the object.

There are four kinds of coats which he must have: a business coat, a frock coat, adress-coat and an overcoat. A well dressed man may do well with four of the first, and one each of the others per annum. An economical man may get by with less.""The dress of a gentleman should be such as not to excite any special observation, unless it be for neatness and propriety. The utmost care should be exercised to avoid even the appearance of desiring to attract attention by the peculiar formation of any article of attire, or by the display of an immoderate quantity of jewelry, both being a positive evidence of vulgarity. His dress should be studiously neat, leaving no other impression than that of a well dressed gentleman."Martine's Handbook of Etiquette, 1866

"Don't dress like a 'dude' or a 'swell'; nor carry a little poodle dog (a man's glory is his strength and manliness--not in aping silly girls), nor cock your hat on one side, nor tip it back on your head (let it sit straight and square), nor wear anything conspicuous or that will make you offensive to others"Modern Manners and Social Forms, 1889

"The native independence of American character regards with disdain many of the stringent social laws which are recognized in England and on the continent. Thus, the dress which many of our countrymen adopt...would subject them to serious annoyance abroad.""Martine's Handbook" 1866

"It was at one time the fashion to affect a certain negligence, which was called poetic, and supposed to be the result of genius. An ill-tied, if not positively untied cravat was a sure sign of an unbridled imagination; and a waistcoat was held together by one button only, as if the swelling soul in the wearer's bosom had burst all the rest. If in addition to this the hair was unbrushed and curly, you

were certain of passing for a "man of soul". I should not recommend any young gentleman to adopt this style, unless he can mouth a great deal, and has a good stock of quotations of the poets. It is of no use to show me the clouds, unless I can see you in them, and no amount of negligence in your dress and person will convince me you are a genius, unless you can produce an octavo volume of poems published by yourself"The Habits of Good Society, 1859

This last quote is an attack on the fashion of the late 1850s and 1860s for men to look like they slept in their rumpled clothes, with sloppy unsymmetrical ties, greasy stringy hair, and some number of vest buttons invariably undone. This general sloppiness can be seen in thousands of Civil War era images.

The following links give specific information regarding the various parts of man’s wardrobe. Click on each to understand the man’s wardrobe needs.

The Sack Suit The Frock Suit The Morning Suit Evening Wear Informal Attire Collars and Ties Man's Shirt Black Wool Vest Military Attire The Hat The Tail Suit - Day Wear

Good Manners for Young Ladies, 1859Proper etiquette, or good manners, refers to the socially acceptable way in which a person conducts himself or herself when in the presence of others. These rules of public behavior have probably been a part of the social fabric since humans organized themselves into a hierarchal regimen of social standing   (see George Washington’s Rules of Good Behavior, ca. 1746). During the reign of Louis XIV of France, the expectations of proper social behavior when in the presence of the King were codified and distributed on small cards to members of his court to assure uniformity of court behavior. In French, this placard or card upon which these rules of behavior were listed was referred to as an “etiquette.” This term soon became the synonym for acceptable public behavior.

A by-product of the transformation of the United States from an agrarian to an industrial-based economy during the early nineteenth century was the rapid expansion of its Middle Class. The new-found prosperity of the members of this class often propelled them into unfamiliar social situations. By mid-century, a number of books had been published that provided a guide to these newly affluent citizens on proper social behavior. The twentieth century witnessed a proliferation of this guidance as authors such as Amy Vanderbilt, Emily Post and Miss Manners offered succeeding generations guidance on the ever-changing rules of proper social behavior.

"After twilight, a young lady would not be conducting herself in a becoming manner, by walking alone. . ."

Emily Thornwell was a noted social advisor in America during the nineteenth century. Here are a few nuggets of behavioral wisdom she passed on to young women at the time:

Gait and Carriage

"A lady ought to adopt a modest and measured gait; too great hurry injures the grace which ought to characterize her. She should not turn her head on one side and on the other, especially in large towns or cities, where this bad habit seems to be an invitation to the impertinent. A lady should not present herself alone in a library, or a museum, unless she goes there to study, or work as an artist.

Gentlemen's attendance. - After twilight, a young lady would not be conducting herself in a becoming manner, by walking alone; and if she passes the evening with any one, she ought, beforehand, to provide some one to come for her at a stated hour; but if this is not practicable, she should politely ask of the person whom she is visiting, to permit a servant to accompany her."

Attentions to Others

When you are passing in the street, and see coming towards you a person of your acquaintance, whether a lady or an elderly person, you should offer them the wall, that is to say, the side next the houses. If a carriage should happen to stop, in such a manner as to leave only a narrow passage between it and the houses, beware of elbowing and rudely crowding the passengers, with a view to get by more expeditiously; wait your turn, and if any one of the persons before mentioned comes up, you should edge up to the wall, in order to give them the place. They also, as they pass, should bow politely to you.

Raising the Dress

When tripping over the pavement, a lady should gracefully raise her dress a little above her ankle. With the right hand, she should hold together the folds of her gown, and draw them towards the right side. To raise the dress on. both sides, and with both hands, is vulgar. This ungraceful practice can only be tolerated for a moment, when the mud is very deep.

Speaking to Your Husband

A lady should not say "my husband," except among intimates; in every other case she should address him by his name, calling him "Mr." It is equally proper, except on occasions of ceremony, and while she is quite young, to designate him by his christian name.

Never use the initial of a person's name to designate him; as "Mr. P.," "Mr. L.," etc. Nothing is so odious as to hear a lady speak of her husband, or, indeed, any one else, as "Mr. B."

How a lady should be spoken of by her husband. - It is equally improper for a gentleman to say "my wife," except among very intimate friends; he should mention her as "Mrs. So-and-so." When in private, the expression "my dear," or merely the christian name, is considered in accordance with the best usage among the more refined.

References:     This eyewitness account appears in: Thornwell, Emily, The lady's guide to perfect gentility, in manners, dress, and conversation ... also a useful instructor in letter writing ... (1859).

1830s Rules for Young LadiesAn advocate of autodidacticism and good old American self-reliance, Varle explains in the introduction to the third, long-windedly titled volume — Varlé's Self-instructor, No. 3, in Literature, Duties of Life, and Rules of Good Breeding: Interspersed with Popular Quotations, Mottos, Maxims, and Adages, in Latin and Other Languages : Also with the French Words Generally Met with in Newspapers, and Works of Taste and Fancy, Faithfully Translated — that he got the idea of writing an instructional book from Thomas Jefferson.At a meeting in Philadelphia, Varle writes, Jefferson — then vice-president — suggested that someone should compile a book of English translation of some European words and phrases often found in American newspapers. Varle was at the gathering and he not only took Jefferson's challenge to heart, he turned the idea into a more comprehensive self-help guide — as the book's subtitle purports.

The 301-page eclectic collection contains: snippets of contemporary speeches; colloquial maxims; quotes from Shakespeare, the Bible and ancient philosophers; and dozens of translations of internationalisms.

To get a glimpse into what one slice of American society resembled in the 1830s, here are some excerpts — in abecedary form and with original spelling — from Varle's section labeled: "Rules of behavior for Young Ladies, partly extracted from this work and the most celebrated books on Ladies education."

Avoid every thing masculine.

Be not too often seen in public.

Consult only your own relations.

Don't even hear a double entendre.

Endeavor to write and speak grammatically.

Fondness for finery shows as bad a taste, as neatness and simplicity imply a good one.

Form no friendship with men.

Give your hand, when necessary, modestly.

If you talk in society, talk only about those things which you understand.

Know that a man of good sense will never marry but the pious, industrious and frugal.

Let not love begin on your part.

Make no great intimacies with any body.

Never be afraid of blushing.

Pride yourself in modesty.

Read no novels, but let your study be History, Geography, Biography and other instructive books.

Sympathise with the unfortunate

Trust no female acquaintance, i.e. make no confidant of any one.

You cannot be too circumspect in matters of love and marriage; and remember that whereas the character of a young lady is considered angelic, any blemish in it, would withdraw the respect men have for you.