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25 Noble Court, No. 121 | Heath, Texas 75032 t: 972.292.7092 | e: [email protected]
Love, Marriage & Life COUNSELINGM New Life
We are Faith-based, Psychology-informed & Family-trusted!
Althoughthearrangementofthisinformationismyown,theknowledgehasbeengatheredfrom
manysources,includingmyclients.Feelfreetodistributethisdocumentfreely.
Copyright©2018 Elizabeth Davis, MA, LPC-S1
Affair Recovery Kit
GettingStarted(30-90Days)
1. Copingwiththecrisisoftrust
(damagecontrol)
o Avoidmakingdecisionsabout
endingtherelationship
o Limitanyabusiveordamaging
interactions(timeoutscanbe
helpful)
o Understandyourreactiontowhat
hashappened
o Providesupporttothehurt
partner
o Avoidingdiscussingspecific
detailsoftheincidentsuntil
couplestherapy(ifsexual)
2. Developingself-care o Completethetriggeractionplan
(forhurtpartner)
o ObtainanSTItest(ifapplicable)
o Focusonsleep,healthyeating,
exercise,spirituality
o Seephysician
3. Creatingarecoveryplan o Accessprofessionalsupport(often
includesindividual,couples,and
groupcounselling)
o Makeaninterimplanfor
relationship(decidingoncontact,
housetasks,parenting,finances,
andsleepingarrangements)
o Understandtrustbuildingand
betrayalrecovery(seeresources)
o Tellonetrustedfriendorfamily
memberaboutyoursituation(if
theysupportyourrelationship)
2
TypesofTrustBreaches
o Sexualinfidelity:Sexualactivityoutsideoftherelationshipthatisnot
agreedupon(canincludepornographyuse)
o Emotionalinfidelity:Relationshipsorexchangesthatinvolve
intimaciestypicallyreservedforaromanticrelationship.Often,the
informationbeingsharedwouldnotbelikedoracceptedbythe
partner(e.g.,sharingintimatedetailsofyourrelationshipandpersonal
withoutsideparties)1
o Competingattachments:Outsideinfluencesthatweakenorthreaten
therelationshipbond.Mayinclude:excessiveworking,leisuretime,or
prioritizingfamilyoforiginoveryourpartner.Thepartnerfeelslaston
thelistofimportance.
o Financialinfidelity:Financialactivitynotknownandagreeduponto
bybothpartners(e.g.,withholdinginfoaboutexcessivespending)
o Unreliability:Brokenpromises,notabletoaccesspartnerbyphone,
notfollowing-throughontasks,lateness,forgetfulness
o Lying:Purposefulwithholding,distortion,oromissionofinformation,
minimizing,gaslighting(denyingthepartner’srealityandsuspicions)
o Abuse:Namecalling,insults,threatstosafety,destroyingproperty,
yelling,pushing,hitting,controllingfinances,mocking,forcingsexual
contact,humiliation
o Abandonmentofapartnerinatimeofintenseneed(attachment
injury)
o Relationshipinsecurity:Regularthreatstoendtherelationship,
continual“auditioning”ofpartner,ambivalentaboutcommitment
1InformationadaptedfromDebraKaplan
3
CopingWithReactions(HurtPartner)
“Atraumaisamajornegativeeventorsetofeventsthatdestroys
importantassumptionsorfundamentalbeliefsabouttheworldor
specificpeople-inthiscase,yourpartnerandyourrelationship.
Traumaticeventsdisruptallpartsofyourlife–yourthoughts,feelings,
andbehaviours.”2
CommonSymptoms
o Strong,overwhelmingfeelingsthatfluctuatethroughouttheday
o Hyperarousal:Feelingoverwhelmedemotionally(fightorflight)
o Hypervigilence:Heightenedstateofawarenessandfeeling“on
edge”(impendingsenseofdoom)
o Intrusivethoughts:Compulsivelyrepeatingthoughtsorquestions
o Re-experiencing:Gettingdrawnbackintotheexperienceas
thoughit’shappeningagain(oftenbroughtonbytriggers)
o Sensitivitytopartner’swordsandactions(“whatdidhemean?”)
o Disorientation:Staringofforfeelinglost
o Questioningspiritualfaithandbasichumangoodness
o Lossofidentityinrelationship
o Lossoffeelingimportantorspecial
o Adoptingextremenegativeviewsofpartner
o Confusion(tornaboutendingtherelationship)
o Difficultyconcentratingandfunctioning(sleepisoftenimpacted)
o Shameandembarrassment(“howcouldIbesostupid!”)
o Hopelessness(doubtanduncertaintyaboutyourfuture)
o Exhaustion
o Tearfulness
o Lackoftrust
o Nightmares
o Rage
o Depression
o Helplessness
2FromGettingPasttheAffairbySnyder,Baucom,&CoopGordon(p.10)
4
BehaviorstoAvoid
o Verbalinsults
o Physicalabuse
o Constantmonitoringorchecking(however,accesstoyourpartner’s
electronicsisoftenpartofrebuildingtrust)
o Searchingforspecificdetailsaboutthetrustbreach
o Searchingforinformationaboutaffairpartners(e.g.,Facebook)
o Makinghostilethreatstoleavepartner
o Tryingtocontrolyoupartner’sbehaviour
o Inappropriatedisclosurestofamilyandfriends
o Self-harmingbehaviour(e.g.,cutting,bingeeating,consumingalcohol)
Strategies
o Groundingexercises(MindfulnessMeditationsforAnxiety:Track4)
o Practicingmindfulness–becomingacuriousobservertoyourexperiencewith
non-judgment
o Deepbreathing:Take6deepbreathsandfocusonrelaxingmuscletension
(especiallyinyourjawandshoulders)
o Callingafriend(iftheyaresupportiveofyourrelationship)
o Guidedimagery
o Exercise
o Prayer
o Timeout:20-30minutetimeoutwithhealthy,soothingdistraction
o Journaling
o Understandingyourthoughtsandfeelingsaboutthetrustbreach
o Expressingyourthoughtsandfeelingstoyour(ifemotionallysafe)
o EmotionalRegulationvideobyChristinaBell
o Practicinggentlestart-ups(e.g.,“WhenIsaw/heardyou____,Ifelt/thought_____.
Inthefuture,Iwouldlike___________”).
o Personalbillofrights
o Strengtheningself-compassionandself-worth
o Beingabletoknowandexpressyourbeliefs,feelings,andreality
o Focusingonwhatyoucancontrol
o Developingwisdomandspirituality
o Copingwithflashbacksexercise(Snyderet.al,p.43)
Remember:Triggersandtraumasymptomsoftencomeinwaves.Ifwecanlearnto
surfthewaveswithcompassion,wedevelopagreaterabilitytohandletheseemotions
overtime.Howyouarereactingisnaturalandnothingtobeashamedof.
5
SupportingaPartnerThrough
Triggers(FortheBetrayingPartner)
1. Expressconcern.Stopwhatyouaredoingandgiveyour
partneryourundividedattention.
2. Acknowledgethatyourpartnerisupsetandaskthemto
describetheiremotionsandthoughts:“Youlookupsetright
now.Howareyoufeeling?Whatisgoingthroughyourmind?”
3. Validateyourpartner’semotionsbysaying:“Icanunderstand
whyyouarefeelingupsetrightnow.Itmakesalotofsense
thatseeing[thetrigger]wouldhavebroughtupmemoriesof
thepastandwhatIdidtoyou.”
4. Expressregret.“IamsosorrythatIhavehurtyou.”
5. Askpartnerforwhattheyneed.“Whatdoyouneedright
now?”Oftenphysicalproximityandtouchisveryhelpful.
6
SupportingYourPartner(Continued)
Avoidsaying:3 TryInstead: Overalltips
Ithoughtyouwereover
thisalready!(invalidation)
Iwilldowhateverittakes
tomakeituptoyou
Apologizeoftenwithout
makingexcuses
(especiallyinthefirsttwo
years)
I’vesaidI’msorryandI
don’tknowwhatelseyou
wantmetosay
(defensiveness)
IwaswrongandIdeeply
regrethurtingyou
Endalltieswithaffair
partnersandset
boundarieswith
competingattachments
Don’tyouthinkyou’re
overreacting?
(minimization)
Idon’tblameyouforhow
you’refeeling
Beopenandhonestina
non-defensivemanner
You’vehurtmetoo!
(defensiveness)
Ifeelhorribleforhow
badlyI’vehurtyou
Itmaybetemptingto
leavethesituation,but
movingtowardthemand
offeringphysicalcomfort
canbeveryhealing.If
yourpartnerasksfor
space,honourtheir
request,butcheckinwith
him/herafter10-15
minutes
Ifyoucan’tgetoverthis
thenmaybeweshouldn’t
betogether(threatsto
relationshipsafety)
IloveyouandInever
wantyoutobehurtlike
thatagain
Shareinformationwith
partnerthatcouldbeseen
asthreatening(e.g.,
unsolicitedtextsfrom
affairpartner)
I’msorryifIhurtyou/for
whateverIdid(insincere
apology)
Letmetrytounderstand
thehurtI’vecausedyou.
Canyoutellmewhatit’s
beenlikeforyou?
Trytoletanyverbal
attacksgo,andfocuson
yourpartner’sfeelings.
Oftenthebetrayedis
veryhurtandangerisan
expressionofthathurt
3MaterialfromthispageadaptedfromLindaMacDonald(2011)
7
TheGottman’sTrustRevivalMethod4
Phase1:Atone
1. Continualexpressionsofremorse.Thebetrayermustremainpatientand
acceptresponsibility.Understandthatthisbreachoftrusthasimpacted
everypartoftheyourpartner’srelationshiphouseandpossiblyledtothe
developmentoftraumasymptoms.
2. Atonementcannotoccurifthebetrayerinsiststhatthevictimtake
partialblame.Commentslike“youdidnotpaymuchattentiontome”are
onlygoingtomakethisworse.Yes,thereisalwaysacontext,butthisisnot
thetimetodiscussit.Itmayseemunfairforyoutotakealltheblame.But,it
isimportant,ifyouwanttomoveforward.Healingrequiresthebetrayerto
heartheotherspainandunderstandwhattheyaregoingthrough.
Eventuallythetwoofyouwillcometogethertocreateanewrelationship.
3. Thebetrayedpartnermustworkatkeepingthedoortoforgiveness
open.Thewoundedpartnermustagreetocooperateaslongasthebetrayer
ismakingsomeeffort.
4. Atonementisapainfulprocess,butthecoupleshouldemergewithnew
understanding,acceptance,buddingforgivenessandhope.
AccordingtoGottmanResearch,whenthebetrayeragreedtoanswer
questions,thecouplestayedtogether86%ofthetime.Ifthebetrayer
refusedtoanswerquestions,therelationship’ssurvivalratewasonly59%.
KeyElements:
1. Clarificationandinformationsharing:unlessthereisathoroughairingof
themisdeeds,mistrustwillremainaperpetualissue.Mostpeoplewould
ratherknowthetrutheventhoughitmaybepainful.Inthepresenceofyour
therapistthebetrayermustprovidecandidanswerstoquestionsaboutthe
otherpartyandeventssurroundingtheincidents.
a. Howdidthishappen?Whendiditstartandfinish?
b. Whydiditcontinue?
c. Wastheresexualcontact?(kissing,hugging,handholdingorsexual
talk)
4InformationadaptedfromLawrenceStoyanowskiandDarrenWilkatBestMarriagesfromtheresearchofJohnGottman
8
d. Howwasitcarriedout,includingdetailsofwhereandwhenliaisons
tookplace?
e. Howoftendidyoucommunicateandinwhichways?
f. Hasitstopped?
2. Importantexceptionstothistellallapproach.Ifthebetrayalwassexual,
itisnotgoodtodescribespecificdetailsofthesexualactivity(e.g.,“whatwas
shewearing?”).Knowingwhathappenedbehindthebedroomdoorcanlead
thebetrayedpartnertoobsessiveruminationsthatretriggerorexacerbate
thetraumasymptoms.Itisanormalurgetowanttoknowtheluriddetails,
butpleaseknowthatitmaynotbeashelpfulasyouimagine.
3. BehavioralChange,Transparency,andVerification.Acommitmentto
continuedscrutinyisimportanttobuildtrust.
a. Createproofyouarenolongerengaginginbetrayingbehaviour.
Givingaccesstoyourelectronicsandfinancescanbeahelpfulwayto
rebuildtrust.Thisinvasionofprivacymayseemunfair,butis
necessary.Trustwillnotreturnwithoutongoingevidenceof
transparency.
b. Verification:Keeptoyourpromisesandcreateawaytoverify
this.Thismeansdoingaspromisedandarrivinghomeat
predeterminedtimesmaybenecessary.Thebetrayermustrestrict
activitiesandrelationshipsthatwereconnectedwiththetrustbreach.
Italsoneedstobeexploredaboutwhatwassaidtoothersaboutthe
betrayedparty.Ifthebetrayerputdownthepartnertofamilyand
friends,thisneedstoberectified.Werethesepeoplerootingforthe
demiseoftherelationshiporcomplicit?Ifso,thebetrayermustsever
thosefriendships.
4. Understandwhatwentwrong.Bothpartiesneedtograspwhatwent
wrongintheirrelationship.
a. Whydidthebetrayerturnaway,engageinnegativecomparisons,
investlessintherelationshipandbecomelessdependentongetting
needsmetthroughtherelationship?
b. Likewise,whydidthatpartnerengageinthoughtsunfavorabletothe
otherscharacter,blamehimorherfortheunhappiness,stayopento
orevenencourageflirtation,andgiveoneselfpermissiontocrossthat
boundary?
c. Thebetrayingpartnermustavoidaccusingthebetrayedpartner.The
goalistounderstandwhatwentwrong,nottoshiftblame.
9
d. Wearethemastersofouractions.Acceptingresponsibilityispartof
thehealing.
e. Allofthisshouldleadtomorevulnerabilityrelatedtofeelingneeded
andwantedaswellaslonelinessandfeelingabandoned.
5. Explorethebetrayer’sreasonsforreturning.Whydotheywantbackin?
Whatiscompellinghimorhertorebuildtherelationship?Thekeyisoftenin
thebetrayer’slongingtofeelnecessaryandwanted.
6. Expectahighcostforfuturebreachesoftrust.Thebetrayermustaccept
thatanyfuturebetrayalwillmeanthepermanentendoftherelationship.No
secondchances!Thebetrayerneedstoknowthecatastrophiccosttoany
subsequentdeceit.
7. Begintoforgive.Thisisthelaststepofatonement.Thehurtpartyaccepts
theapologyandbeginstopardonhimorher.
a. Forgivenessdoesnotmeanabsolvingtheerringpartner.
Forgivenessmeansthedeceivedpartneriswillingtocooperateand
trust,eveninthefaceofuncertaintyandtheatoningpartner’s
occasionalslipups.An“acceptable”slipupisnotthereturntothe
betrayingbehaviourornewindiscretion,butaninvasionofthepast
thatproducesaregrettableincident.Forexample,buyingflowers
fromthesamestoreheboughtflowersfortheotherparty,orlover.
Partofforgivenessisacknowledgingthatanyonecanbe
untrustworthyattimes.
Phase2:Attune
1. Tentativeforgiveness.Afteratonement,youshouldnowhavetentative
forgivenessinplacetobuildanewrelationship.Theoldonedidnotmeet
bothyourneeds,andthebetrayedpartnershouldnotbeblamedforthispast
deficiency,butratherworkcooperativelytoconstructanewone.
2. Buildingfriendship.Thismeansworkingonthefriendshippartofyour
relationship,whichhasbeenshattered.Youreallydonotfeellikeyouknow
eachotheratthisstage,andyoubothmustrebuildthislovemapofeach
other’sworld.Thismeansaskingcuriousquestionslikeyouusedtowhen
courting,andupdatingcurrentinformationaboutwhoyouaretoday.This
alsomeansbeingmorevulnerableaboutyourcurrentfeelingsofsadness,
stressandworries.Thisshouldincludegoingintoyourthedarkerareasof
yourbackgroundthatstillaffectyoutoday.Thistakesalotofcouragebut
sharingthese‘enduringvulnerabilities’iskeytogettingcloser.
10
3. Managingconflict.Learntohandleconflictbettersoitdoesnotoverwhelm
youandcreatedistance.Conflictissimplyanopportunitytogetcloserand
haveconversationsratherthanfightsaboutpastandcurrenthurts.Usethe
toolsyouhavelearnedfromyourcounsellortohelpwiththisphase.
4. Presentingaunitedfronttofriendsandfamily.Finally,remembertogo
publicwiththe“newnormal”ofyourrelationship.Alertthepeopleclosestto
yousuchaschildren,in-lawsandclosefriendsthatyouhaverecommitted
andareworkingtowardsrebuildingtrust.AccordingtotheGottman
research,thisideaofgettingthewordouthelpsestablishthisnew
relationshipas“real”andgarnerssupportfromthoseclosesttoyou.
Phase3:Attach
1. Developmentofsexualintimacy.Atthispoint,itisimperativetotalk
aboutsex,whichisnormallyatopicmanycouplesneglecttodiscuss.The
followingexcerptfromthebookWhatMakesLoveLast?byJohnGottmanand
NanSilver(2012).
“IntheAftermathofbetrayal,thevictimoftendoesnotwanttoriskphysical
intimacywiththestrayingpartner.Thereistoomuchfear,anger,and
vulnerability.Butifthecoupleisdeterminedtostaytogether,theabilityto
attunehastoreachthebedroomaswell.Withoutthepresenceofsexual
intimacythatispleasurabletoboth,therelationshipcan’tbeginagain.
Inalong-termlove,sexualintimacyisfoundedonahealthyinterdependency
thatsatisfiesthelongingforconnection…Thekeystonetothispleasurable
andmeaningfulsexlifeisasteadydietofintimateconversationsas
presentedinchapter7.Learningtocommunicateaboutsexisnotjustfor
coupleshealingfromsexualdisloyalty.Itiscrucialforcouplesrecovering
fromallformsofbetrayal.”
Trustbuildingisaprocesswithmanyupsanddowns.Asstressfulasthis
processis,itcanbeanopportunitytobuildastrongerrelationshipand
connection.
Fortheerringpartner,beingopenandaccountableareopportunitiesto
buildtrustwithyourpartner.Trustisbuiltinsmallincrementswhere
yourpartnercanbuildfaiththatyouwillbethereforthemwhentheyneed
you.
11
ActionPlanforTriggers(HurtPartner)
Trigger=areminderoftrustbreachoftenaccompaniedby
intenseemotionandtraumaticreaction(e.g.,intrusive
thoughts)
SpecificTriggers Howdoesthisapplyto
yoursituation?
Actionplan
Seeingattractivepeople
(withorwithoutpartner)
o
o
o
o Holdyourpartner’s
handifinpublic
o
o
Sexscenesinmovies+TV o
o
o
o
o Changethechannel
o Researchprograms
beforewatching
o
Inconsistency/unreliability
ofpartner(e.g.,beinglate)
o
o
o
o Expressconcernsto
partnergently
o
o
Timesofday
Daysoftheweek(e.g.,
weekends,latenights)
o
o
o
o Planaheadtodo
somethingrelaxing
o
o
Other: o o
12
GeneralTriggers/Beh Howdoesthisapplyto
yoursituation?
ActionPlan
Partner’stravel(orbeing
away)
o
o
o
o Scheduletimesto
communicate
o Engageinhealthy
distractionandself-
carewhiletheyare
away
o
Lackofcontactwith
partner(e.g.,partneris
notansweringphone)
o
o
o
o Agreetoaplanfor
contact
o
o
Lackofself-care o
o
o
o Dailyexercise30min.
o Seephysicianifnot
sleepingwellforover
3weeks
o
Sleeptroubles o
o
o
o Gotobedatthesame
timedaily
o Avoidelectronics1-2
hoursbeforebed
o
Excessivechecking
up/monitoring
o
o
o Engageinhealthy
distraction
o
o
13
EmotionalTriggers Howdoesthisapplyto
yoursituation?
ActionPlan
Loneliness/isolation o
o
o
o Reachouttoone
personperday
o Scheduleonesocial
outingperweek
o
Anxietyorrumination
(e.g.,“Iwonderwhathe’s
doingrightnow?”)
o
o
o
o Healthydistraction
o Practicemeditationor
yoga
o
Rejectionor
disappointment
o
o
o
o Journal
o Talktoatrustedfriend
o
Confusion(e.g.,“canI
trusthimagain?”)
o
o
o Debriefwithatrusted
friend(whosupports
yourrelationship)
o Understandsex
addictionrecovery
o
Anger o
o
o
o
o Emotionalregulation
video
o Deepbreathing
o
14
ThoughtTriggers Howdoesthisapplyto
yoursituation?
ActionPlan
Comparison(e.g.,“those
womenarebetterlooking
thanme”)
o
o
o
o Remindyourselfthat
yourpartner’s
behaviourisdueto
theirownissues,not
yourworthiness
o
Fortunetelling(e.g.,“my
partnerisnevergoingto
change”)
o
o
o
o Focusonrealistic
expectationsof
partnerandself
o Lookforpositive
movementwhile
maintaining
boundaries
Allornothingthinking
(e.g.,“ourwhole
relationshipwasajoke”)
o
o
o
o Validateyour
reactionsandengage
inself-care
o
Jumpingtoconclusions
(e.g.,“he’sbeenlookingat
hisphone,sohemust
doingsomethingshady”)
o
o
o
o Check-inwithpartner
o
Entitlement(e.g.,“he
deservestosufferlikeI
have”)
o
o
o
o Learnaboutthedrama
triangleandyour
potentialrole
o
15
DailyRecoveryScriptforCouples
Betrayingspouse:
1. TodayI’vebeenfeeling(e.g.,sad,anxious,ashamed,happy):
2. SomechallengesIencounteredwere(triggers):
3. CopingskillsI’vebeenusing:
4. OnethingIhavelearnedaboutmyaddictionormyselfis:
5. I’mgratefulfor:
16
BetrayedSpouse:
1. TodayI’vebeenfeeling:
2. SomechallengesI’veencounteredwere(triggers):
3. Self-careorcopingI’vebeenutilizing:
4. Onewaythatyoucouldhelpmewouldbeto:
17
Resources
WebsitesandBlogs
GreaterGoodarticleontheGottmanmethodfortrustrevival
Videos(SeeTrustandBetrayalheading)
OnlineCourses
BloomforWomen–BetrayalTraumacourse
Books(someareavailableinanereaderoraudioformat)
o The Holy Bible
o Not“JustFriends”–ShirleyGlass
o LivingandLovingAfteraBetrayal–StephenStosny
o IntimateBetrayal–MichaelDonHoward
o GettingPasttheAffair–DouglasK.Snyder,DonaldHBaumcom,&
ChristinaCoopGordon
o WhatMakesLoveLast?–JohnGottmanandNanSilver
o HowtoHelpyourSpouseHealfromYourAffair–LindaMacDonald
o TheBookofForgiving–DesmondTutu
18
AffairRecoveryChecklist(InitialTasks)
BetrayingPartner
o Endingofcontactwithaffairpartner(proof)
o Negotiatingofaccesstotechnology
o Answerallunansweredquestions(questionformatordisclosure).Betrayed
partnersoftenhavetoaskquestionsrepeatedlyuntiltheynolongerfeelthe
need,andthisisanacceptablepartoftheprocessandshouldnotberushed
over
o Continualexpressionofremourse
o Discusstriggersandhowtomanagethem
o Boundarieswithaffairpartnerforfuturecontact
o Immediatehonestyifbetrayingpartnerhascontactwithaffairpartner
BetrayedPartner
o Traumaeducationforpartnerandbetrayingspouse
o Individualsupportforspouse
o Developselfsoothingandboundaries
o Requestendingofcontactandproof
o Writedownalistofquestionstobeanswered
o STDtest
o Haveaccesstotechnologyongoing
InitialResources
o Trustrecoverykit–readrespondingtoaspouseandtrustrecoverymethod
o NotJustFriendsbyShirleyGlass(book)
19
FrequentlyAskedQuestions
1. Howsetbackswillbehandlediftheyoccur?
o Immediatehonestywithpartner
o Creationofanewormoreintensiveboundaryandtreatmentplan
2. Whataboutsexualactivity?
o Mostcouplestakeabreakfromsexualactivitytofocusonestablishingtrust
andsafetyintheirrelationship.Thisisnegotiatedbetweenthecouple,butit
isnotuncommonforcouplestoceasesexualactivityforatleastafew
months
o Sexuallytransmittedinfectiontestisrecommendedforbothpartnersif
therehasbeeninfidelity
3. Whodowetell?
o Selectindividualsyoubothagreeon,andthelevelofinformationtobe
discussed
o Confidantsaretrustworthyandsupportiveoftherelationship
o Avoidtellingpeopleoutofrevengeortohurtthebetrayingpartner,asthose
individualsmaynotbesupportiveifyoudecidetostaytogether
4. Howoftendowecommunicateaboutthebetrayal?
o Anagreed-uponformatandritualcanbehelpful(e.g.,briefcheck-indaily)
o Avoidanceofspecificdetails,asthesecantriggertraumareactionsforthe
betrayedpartner
o Ifthereisconflictorintenseemotionbetweenthecouplesavethediscussion
forcouplestherapy
o Iftheconversationisproductivestillbesuretosetsomelimitsorbreaks
aroundtheconversationtoengageinself-care
o Avoidnamecallingandyelling
5. Howdowehandlecertainquestionsaboutthebetrayal?
o Avoidaskingspecificsexualdetailsasthesecanbetraumatizing
o (e.g.,whatclothingwass/hewearing?)
Althoughthearrangementofthisinformationismyown,theknowledgehasbeengatheredfrom
manysources,includingmyclients.Feelfreetodistributethisdocumentfreely.
Copyright©2018 Elizabeth Davis, MA, LPC-S20
6. Whatwillhelpustorebuildtrust?
Trustisbuiltinsmallincrementsofturningtowardyourpartnerandbeing
thereforthem
o Accountabilityandmonitoring(therapy,internetblocker)
o Disclosure(facilitatedbyatrainedtherapist)
o Respondingnon-defensivelytoemotionandanger
o Betrayingpartnervocalizingtheimpacts/hehashadontheirpartner
o Takingconcretestepstowardchangeandcommunicatingaboutthese
o Managingtriggersforbothparties
o Reliability(doingwhatyousayyouaregoingtodo,evenwithtasks
unrelatedtothebetrayal)
o SeeBreneBrown’sBravingacronym
