Love Letters of a Liar

8/8/2019 Love Letters of a Liar

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THE LOVE LETTERS OF A LIAR


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THE LOVE LETTERSOF A LIARBY

MRS. WILLIAM ALLEN

ESS ESS PUBLISHING COMPANY(Publishers of The Smart Set)

NEW YORK, I 135 BROADWAY, MCMI


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Copyright, 1900, byESS ESS PUBLISHING COMPANY


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I DEDICATE THIS LITTLE BOOKTO THE MEN WHO COULDN'TWOULDN'T AND DIDN'TWRITE THESE LETTERS


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TO MY CRITICS''y BEJSTLT ambition, which

the gods grant thee i*attainto ! If thou luert the lion, thefoxwould beguile thee ; if thou wert thelamb, the fox would eat thee ; ifthouwert thefoxy the lion would suspectthee, when peradventure thou wertaccused by the ass ; if thou wert theass, thy dulness would torment thee,

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TO MT CRITICSand still thou livedst but as a break-fast to the wolf: f thou wert thewolf thy greediness would afflictthee^ and oft thou shouldst hazardthy life for thy dinner : wert thouthe unicorn^ pride and wrath wouldconfound thee and make thine ownself the conquest of thy fury ; wertthou a bear^ thou wouldst be killedby the horse: wert thou a horsethou wouldst be seized by the leopard:wert thou a leopard^ thou wert ger-main to the lion and the spots of thy

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TO Mr CRITICSkindred were jurors on thy life : allthy safety were remotion and thy de-fence absence.**TiMON OF Athens.


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THE LOVE LETTERSOF A LIAR

V^ew York, January lO, 1899.

ITHINK you will believe mewhen I tell you that you have

filled my heart and brain eversince some *' good-night words '*that you remember. You spokewith a prophetic confidencewhen you said you could bringback all my love for you if you


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THE LOVE LETTERScared to try. You have broughtit back, sweetheartif, indeed,it ever went awaybrought itback in such a flame of colorand passion that all other womenin the world seem ghosts andshadows, as in the old days.

Is it only for an experimentthat you have done thisis itonly to test your power? Ifthis was all, then you are morecruel even than you are beauti-ful, and Ijust one more fool.The quiet yearsthe years


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OF A LIARyou wrote me of as so easy andhumdrum and safe I think havegone, and the old wild, thrillinghope of boyhood, which after all,even in the deepest shadows,never left my heart entirelythehope that in the hidden cham-bers of your being your boysweetheart was still your bestand dearest that hope hascome back, and will stay withme until I carry it down into thegrave. And with it comes andlingers a passionate longing to

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THE LOVE LETTERSbe with you **and touch youand breathe you and live.'*

Five years, you say, will comeand go before opportunity comesagain. And are you content ?God help me, I am not ! It shallnot be, and if you really love meit will not. Is my whole life togo by with these long-separatedglimpses into paradise and thenthe dull level of life's desertsands for years and years ? Iswear to you before God, and inall reverence for Him, that I be-

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OF A LIARlieve if ever woman on this earthowed the gift of happiness to theman she loved you owe it to me,if you do really love me. Some-body says, *'We love our lostloves for the love we gave themand not for anything they gaveour love." Are you going tomake that a bitter truth in mylife forever and ever ? I do notwant, heaven knows, to bringany disturbing influence intoyour lifebut oh, dear, dearsweetheart, 1 do so hunger for

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THE LOVE LETTERShappiness! And nobody in theworld, by fate's or God's or for-tune's inscrutable chance, canbring me the supreme happinessthat ought to crown every man'slife hut yoti. You speak to meabout other women. Never fora moment have you doubtedthat you could bring me acrossthe world from any other womanperhaps it would have been farbetter for me if this had not beenso. You know ityou havealways known itbut you did


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OF A LIARnot care to call me. Now I amnot a boy any more I am aman with graying hair and manysad memories and most of hisillusions gone. And yet in spiteof this I dream of a happinesssweeter than heaven, of whichlife still holds a possibilityandthat happiness lies in your sweetopen hands, my dearest, and noone else in the world can give itto me but you.Now, what are you going to

do? Are you unwilling to frice7


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THE LOVE LETTERSthis Storm that you chose to re-awaken, or are you willing tosay: ''He has loved me all hislife and I love him for that, if fornothing else, and he shall notlove me any more in vain!"Will you say that ?

I do not know why I havedared to write you this, exceptthat life is slipping by and agecomes before we know it. Some-how, when I am with you I can-not speak these things that crowdmy heart. But if there be any-

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OF A LIARthing in the communion of spir-its, you must have heard minecrying to you, pleading withyou, for the love of God, to giveme what is mine.You cannot reply to this with

any force by referring to anyother episodes in my life. As Isaid before, there has not beenany time in which you could nothold me and draw me to youand mould my life as you will.I could have said, with the olddramatist, and said at any mo-

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THE LOVE LETTERSment these many years, withsome degree of truthWhy, I hold fate clenched in my hand,

and could command the course of time'seternal motion, hadst thou been a thoughtmore constant tiian the ebbing sea.

Now, isn't there some way forme to see you ? God knows thatnot even for my own happinesswould I have you run any risksfor me. And let me beg of youright herepromise me, darlingthat just as soon as you haveread this letter you will destroy


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OF A LIARit and all others of mine. Believeme, it is the only way.

I do not know how you willtreat me after this letter. I knowwhat I hope, but I know, too,how often hope has failed. AndI have hidden so much pain be-hind the smiling lips you callweak, that if the old lesson islearned over again I shall not findany new sensation in it. I havelived too long I am too old todrench a midnight pillow anymore with the tears of vain re-

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THE LOVE LETTERSgret. But oh, sweetheart, I dolongfor happiness ! ** So manythings must conspire to bringabout a perfect opportunity." 1write the words from memory,but they stay with me. A perfectlove, my darling, will make a per-fect opportunity ; and if you loveme thus I will "command thecourse of time's eternal motion"to hold you on my heart again.

Good-night. I am very tiredand sad, and happy, too. I amno coward, I swear it ; but yet I

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OF A LIARalmost fear to try to storm theheights on which all that I lovein all the world awaits my vic-tory.

Lawrence.


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II

New York, Fehruary 2, i8gg.My Sweetheart :

I have read your letter overand over and over, and nowthat I know it by heart, I know,too, that you are dearer to methan ever beforeif such a thingbe possible.

" What do you ask of me ?"you say in it; and I answer inloyalty and perfect faith, in Ten-

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THE LOVE LETTERSnyson's words, that you will" Lay your sweet hands in mineand trust to me." That is allthat you tell me you love meand trust me.

Thrilled through as it hasalways been with passionatelonging, all my life my love foryou has been to me a holy andsacred thing, pure as the per-fume of a flower; but, let mesay what is true, stirring myblood with the same intoxicatingperfume that some flowers pos-

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OF A LIARsess. I know you understandme. I believe you understandthat even if you came when Iwere dying and bent over me,and I felt your tears on my faceI should be happy if you said**He gave me all his life all thelove he had to give a woman,and all the passionand thepassion and the love were bothwithout a stain."

*' The gift of happiness ? " Mydarling, you have made me hap-pier than I hoped again to be in


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THE LOVE LETTERSmy life. Not the perfect happi-ness that would be mine onearth if you were all my ownbody, soul and heart mine only.Fate or God or chance or destinyhas made this seemingly nowimpossiblebut because youhave yielded to your woman-hood and owned you love me ;because you have given me thefulfilment of the hope that livedthrough all the desolate yearsthat some day the sweet lipswould tell me so ; because you

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OF A LIARhave promised me that my lifehereafter shall not be altogetherdivided from yours; because ofthese things 1 hold in my heartto-night the gift of happiness,just as my arms have held it tomy heart to-day.You are not afraid of your love

for me, are you, sweetheart?or of mine for you ? I some-times think that, after all, know-ing only one life as we do andnothing of that beyond, the heartshould know its own happiness19


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THE LOVE LETTERSas well as its own bitterness,and that love, when we find it,should be the God who puts allthings under Him and for whomthe world is well lost. If youare mine and I am yours, andwe are all in all to each other,then what matters anything else ?Love is enough ! It is a terriblyfascinating thought, and there issome sense of strong rebellion,too, at fate that makes you mineand yet not wholly mine. Andyet you have not misjudged the


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OF A LIARman to whom you said : *' I loveyou." I would rather go awayfrom out your sight and neversee you any more than make youlive ever to regret that youtold me this. Such is the loveI bear for you to-night, my dar-ling, with the touch of yourhands still throbbing throughmy pulses, and the perfume ofyour lips still on my own.

I think I understand what ithas cost you to tell me all youhave. 1 believe I do realize what


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THE LOVE LETTERSit is for a woman like you tolove. And if 1 have ever misun-derstood you and failed to com-prehend I shall try never to doso any more. And I want youalways to treat me just as yourmood prompts you to treat me,fondly or laughingly or mock-ingly or tenderly, as best suitsyou. 1 don't want you ever tobe sorry in your life for one sin-gle moment that you have givenyour heart into my keeping.

For me 1 hardly realize it


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OF A LIARyet ; I am stunned, almost, withthe joy of it, and "all my nightsare trances and all my days aredreams." And yet, in spite ofall the pain and grieving and thebitterness of the old years, some-how the hope that has now beenrealized never, 1 think, altogetherleft me; and let me say to youwith truth that the realizationwas sweeter than the hope thatfilled a thousand dreams v/ithflame. I deny that anticipationis better than fruition. I have


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THE LOVE LETTERSfelt more rapture crowded intoone brief hour this day than inten years of hopes and dreams.There is more of joy for me inthe soft pressure of your littlehandsthere is more of heavenin the fragrance of your mouththan any heaven that hope canever bring.

I am writing you straight frommy heart of hearts, and what Iwrite I feel. Let us have nomental reservations. We arenot boy and girl any more, but

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OF A LIARman and woman. If the loveyou bear for me should everwaneif mine should ever wearyyou, if any other should com.ebetween us, I want you to behonest and tell me so. Even ifit wrench my heart out by theroots, I do not want to live onehour in a fool's paradise. And,sweetheartmy dear, dear lovewill you not grant the requestthat I again make to you to de-stroy my letters? I know thefear is remote, but so much of

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THE LOVE LETTERSpeace might depend for youon their non-existence, thateven now I feel it is almostcowardly for me to write them.Will you not do this, my dar-ling, for my sake and because Iask you to ? You will not mis-understand this request. Youwill know that the heart thathonors while it loves you holdsyour safety and happiness aboveeverything else on earth.

Good-night. It seems to meI could write you thus forever.

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OF A LIARDo not write to me unless anduntil you want to. I shall un-derstand. I shall see you, I trust,in three days. Until then mylife will be a dream, and thatdream the sweetest woman in allthis world.

Lawrence.


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Ill

Neiv York, Fehruary 8, i8pp.

Madge :Do you know that you have

written me the most beautifulletter I ever received in my life,and the most effective ?

I am not ashamed to tell you,my beloved, that part of it 1 haveread through tears. It has mademe happy, it has wrung myheart, it has appealed to all that

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THE LOVE LETTERSis best and noblest in me, it hasmade me understand you evenmore tlian 1 ever did before, andI thought I knew you to yourheart's sweet core, my love !What has this letter done forme ? It has touched my earsand thrilled my heart with thesweetest music God gives manto hear on earththe melody ofa true woman's love crying fortenderness and protection againstitself.

1 cannot conceive of any cir-30


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OF A LIARcumstance or any situation orany catastrophe that would takeone iota from the reverence andrespect I render to your woman-hood along with a passion sodeep and thrilling that I myselfdo not understand or compre-hend it. I knov/ that 1 am theone love of your life, as you arethe only real one of mine.

I believe that over and beyondthe bonds and limitations thatmen have madeand properlymade, I admitthere is nothing3i


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THE LOVE LETTERSthat love like ours does not sanc-tify and glorify, and I could takeyou in my arms, all mine andwholly mine, even to the feet ofGod, and say, "I bring herwhose sacrifice to love has lefther in my eyes and heart as sin-less as your angels, and no pos-sible heaven where she is notcould ever be anything but hellfor me."

I should always feel the samefor you forever, forever. I knowit.

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OF A LIARIt has been a part of my life togive you my homage. It will be

until my life shall end, and yetto-night, after this letter of yours,I recognize, perhaps for the firsttime entirely, our fate, and I bowto it.

Never, so help me GodandI write these words, as I readyours, through tears, and withan entire realization of what theymeannever will I cause you anyanxiety on this subject knowing-ly or willingly again. I make the

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THE LOVE LETTERSrenunciation to-night of the hopeI had hardly realized I cherished,and, whether pain accompaniesthat renunciation or not, I am notunhappy, because I know thatyou are mine in spirit, if not inbody; because I believe that youwill be changeless, and because,whether or not on earth, you areever minemine only. I shallknow the white life still is white.

I mean this, sweetheart. It istrue I am writing under thepowerful influence of your tender

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OF A LIARand beautiful letter. But I havethought it out besides, and takenthis stand after hours and hoursof striving between passion andthe desire to do right.You have said I wanted

strength. It must be mine toshow you that this is not true. Ihave it, and I pledge it to you thisnight, with a great sob in myheart.Oh, v/ell, Madge, why should

the sob be there ? Am I not dec-orated in a way that kings are

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THE LOVE LETTERSnot? Have I not what I havelonged for all my life, and shouldI not be content ?

1 am happy in your love, dearoh ! immeasurably happyandthen it is best, no doubt, thatsomething should be held backfrom us, lest earth grow toomuch like heaven and we wor-ship love more than God.You have asked me whether,

if all our heart's desires couldhave been fulfilled I could havebeen faithful to you all my life,

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OF A LIARas long as you lived, howevermuch divided from you? Yes,sweetheart, I could. I call onyour faith in my truth and mylove for you to believe and toknow that. That is all 1 can saynow.The test will never be made

at least, until I can prove myconstancy to the world as well asto youand that time, perhaps,may never come. For the pres-ent I have put some "days anddreams out of mind, days that

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THE LOVE LETTERSare over, dreams that are done.''

But i shall love you all my life.You know it. There is no poemthat I ever read, no poem everwritten, and no song ever sung,that could describe my feelingfor you, as I know it. Perhapssome day I may write that song.Have I answered your ques-

tions, darling.^ I have tried, andfrom an honest and loyal heart.Your letter is so sweet and

tender and passionately beautiful.It is the very supremest expres-

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OF A LIARsion of a true love and a truewomanhood I ever read.

Good-night, heart's dearest;good-night, my life's one love. Inever loved you more than inthis hour.

Lawrence.


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IVNew York, March 4, i8()g.

Darling:I waited for the message, but

it did not come, and I feel that Icannot sleep to-night until I havespoken to you across the silenceto tell you how more and moreeach hour and day you fill mylife. Does God give love likethis of mine for you to manymen, I wonder? Words seem

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THE LOVE LETTERSSO weak, so poor, to tell howevery word and gesture, howevery passionate and rapturousmemory of you, burns and throbsand beats through my heart un-til I feel I must go mad for long-ing and for joy. Who am I, tobe loved by a woman like youand with such love as you havegiven me ? You have bestowedupon my life a new purposeyou have made it a thousandtimes worth livingyou havemade me to believe and know42


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OF A LIARthat human life can reach a pointof happiness no possible heavencould ever excel. That is whatyour love is to me, sweetheart.I swear it to youand knowingwhat it means to me, I thinkyou should never regret a singlememory of it. I do not dare tothink or hope it has made youone thousandth part as happy asit has made me. An Englishpoet says

Love can but last with us here, atthis height,

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THE LOVE LETTERSBut for me, I know it can lastuntil the final day of life and

the ''death-hour rounding it."But for youah, God! there isthe fear that will creep in andchill. Am I to lose you after 1have won you ? Is the old agonyto be lived over again ? Have Iclimbed thus near to the heavenof my dreams only to see thegates shut on me at the last?Will you not teach me someway, sweetheart, that 1 maymake you mine forever? For

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OF A LIAR

you are mine now, "sweet eyes,sweet mouth,- sweet cheeks,sweet throat, sweet haireachsingly wooed and won." Willthe day dawn in which I shallknow that they are mine nomore ? If it ever does, I hope toGod I may not live to see its sun-set. Do you remember what Itold you was my dream lastnight"how mad and bad andglad it was, but then, how it wassweet?'' Dear sweetheart, I amonly a very human man, desper-

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THE LOVE LETTERSately in love with you, whodoes not hold his life at a pin'sfee compared with your happi-ness. You know better than Iwhat brings you happiness orcan bring it. If I can knowsurely what your own heartwishes, then, at whatever costor renunciation, so help me GodI will try to bring it to you,But for a little while, sweetheart,at least, let me dreamlet medream that you are away withme, 'Most in the night and thelight of the sea," drifting toward

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OF A LIARthat magic land where all ourhopes and dreams come true.And as Kipling saysIt's God knows what we should find, dear

lass,And it's God knows what we should do.

But I think the voyage wouldbe the sunniest a ship ever sailed,and the land we found would befair.

Oh, what, after all, is life, andhow should we use it ? Is notone hour of love worth years ofthe dead, death-pale duty, thedull, passionless existence that

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THE LOVE LETTERSSO many human hearts wear outagainst their mortal bans ? It isnot every heart to whom is giventhe pov/er of supreme love andsupreme pain and supreme joy.Shall those who fmd it lose itbecausethey know not why?And yet, how can one argue ofthese things ? They cannot bereasoned out. Love is like re-ligiona thing of faith only andimpulse. And so all my argu-ment and reasoning are set atnaught, and drowned in the

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OF A LIARmemory of a last " embrace inwhich two white arms held mefast." Oh, thank God for mem-ory now. I used to hate it, andthink the best boon time couldbring would be forgetfulness.But nowno, a thousand timesno!

I fear you will think this anincoherent letter. I am writingonly because my heart is suffocat-ing with its passion. Good-night.I am going away in the ship ofdreams. Do you know who is

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THE LOVE LETTERSgoing with me ? Listen while Iwhisper down through yourbreast into your heart. One isgoing on that ship who will putwhite arms around my throatand sayAsk me no more, my fate and thine are

sealed;I strove against the tide and all in vain.Let the great river take me to tlie main.

No more, dear lovefor at a touch Iyield

y4sk me no more.Lawrence.

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New Yorkf May j, i8pp.Madge:

I have your letter and I do notknow whether you mean whatyou say in it or not.You know I love you, if you

know or believe anything. Youlove me, too, very dearlyyouhave told me this, and Godknows you have proved it. Butyou appear to have no faith in

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THE LOVE LETTERSme. I do not understand howlove and fiiith can be separated.If I have tried to make you un-derstand anything, it has beenthat I am happiest when withyou, that the sight of your faceis my heavenand yet you prac-tically charge me in your letterwith neglect.

I do not think you are too ex-acting. Love is always exact-ing, but it is generous and con-siderate and forgiving, too. Aheart that loveswith faith52


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OF A LIARwould know and tell itself: " Heis not hereI am not in hisarms, through no lack of long-ing on his part, but because he isheld away from me by a force hecannot guide. And instead ofreproaching him, my love forhim grows deeper and strongerevery hour."

It seems to me this is the waya loving heart would speak, butperhaps I do not know. Oh,please don't quarrel with me, butlove me and believe in me, and


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THE LOVE LETTERSunderstand that you are the onething on earth that I love withall my heart and soul.

Lawrence.


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VINew York, September /o, i8pp.

Madge:Here are the answers to the

questions you ask, and which Iam asked to give you before thepast is hermetically sealed.

Yes, I was unfaithful to you atNarragansett. I remember, whenI bade you good-bye in July, thatyou said you had a premonitionthat it was forever ; but I laughed

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THE LOVE LETTERSat the idea. I remember that Idid avoid the answer to yourquestions, in my lettersthought I would tell you all aboutit when I saw you, and I wentto Newport intending and ex-pecting to do so. But I tell younow that I do not recollect anyquestions or allusions to the mat-ter made by you while I wasthere. Nor do I remember, saveso vaguely that I cannot ventureto recall it here, what, "when Ibade you good-bye, I made you

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OF A LIARswear to." I received the lettersaying you would return on a cer-tain day. My mail was delayedI was nervous. Newport hadmade me think that you wouldnot really care much whetherI came or not, and I dreaded theheartache and misery of explana-tions. Not brave, perhaps, butGod's truth.

Yes, I am to marry a very dearand lovely girl, and I love her.She is rich, so I have heard sincemy engagement, but I knew

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THE LOVE LETTERSnothing of this when I asked herto marry me. I do not supposethe world at large will believethis, but I do not care what theworld believes. I want to tryand be a better man, to catchsome years ofpeace and content-ment, and to be, as nearly as Ican, worthy of her.

I shall be glad to come to seeyou sometimes if you will letme.

In all the sorrow and all thehappiness the past has held for

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OF A LIARme, I have never harbored a bit-ter thought or spoken a bitterword of you.

Lawrence.


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VIINew York, September, /8pp.

Madge:I have read carefully what you

sent me, a copy of ali my letters^as you asked me to do.

I did not lie to you then. Ibelieved it to be true, nor did 1believe any change would come.I do not lie to you now. She isa dear and lovely girl, and she isrich. She has said she would

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THE LOVE LETTERSmarry me, and I want to try tobe worthy of her.

I have sufifered. My heart hasbeen wrungbeyond what anywords of mine can tell youatcausing you pain. God knowsthis is true.She fixed the date for the 20th

of October, after she left NewYork. My foreknowledge wasthe understanding only that theengagement was not to be a longone. She has told her familyand friends, as I have mine.

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OF A LIAREverybody who knows her orme practically knows the datethat has been set. She has askedall her bridesmaids, and the cos-tumes have been ordered for thattime.How can I change the date ?

Yes, 1 know it was the 20th oflast October that I told you 1loved you. I beg of you, forthe sake of one who, I think,never gave anyone pain know-ingly in her life, to withdrawyour request, for the sake of my

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THE LOVE LETTERSsister, whom you know and es-teem, for the sake of my deadmother, whom you used to love.

I know there is no service thatyou would ever accept from menow, if I could render it, but onewho has gone down on hisknees and asked God's forgive-ness in agony and tears makesthis appeal to you. I ask you totry and think more gently of me.

I am going to try with all myendeavor to be a better man, toact as one who is trying his best

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OF A LIARhereafter to do right. Will younot help me ? I ask you, I appealto you, if not for my sake, forthe sake of a girl who should notsuffer for my faults, not to askthis of me.

Just forget your own suffering,your own humiliation. And re-member, her wealth can advanceme politically. My ambition isdearer to me than any woman.Grant my request, and send mea telegram saying, *'I do !"And in this last letter, and to

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THE LOVE LETTERSmy dying day, I ask God's mercyand tenderness and protectionfor you.

Lawrence Goddard.


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THE LOVE LETTERSwith. Such ingenuity of ex-pression should not be relegatedto the waste paper basket. Asfor myself, I find, after carefulinvestigation, that my bank ac-count is not sufficiently large tomaintain myself and your politi-cal ambitions. So we will "callit off." Good-bye.

Kitty Sherman.


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Love Letters of a Liar