Lokimon Episode II Script

Lokimon Episode II Script -

Lokimon Episode II: Linus and Lucy

Written By

Charles M. Schulz and FacepalmReagent

Based on the television special "A Charlie Brown Christmas"

Http://youtube.com/user/FacepalmReagentHotel.lokimon[at]gmail[dot]com

Lokimon Episode II Script -

Lokimon Episode II Script - 1

EXT. LOKI'S FRONT YARD1.1.

FROM:

DAY 1 13:00

Loki / Natasha None

Loki walks pensively to mailbox, opens and looks inside. Looks disappointed because it is empty.

LOKI::1

Nobody sent me a Christmas card today. I know

nobody likes me. Why do we have to have a

holiday season to emphasize it?

Natasha enters, reading a Christmas card.LOKI::2

(SARCASTICALLY)

Thanks for the Christmas card you sent me,

Natasha.



NATASHA::3

I didn't send you a Christmas card, you fat bag of

feces!

LOKI::4

Don't you know sarcasm when you hear it?

CUT TO: SCENE 2CUT TO: SCENE 2INT. THOR AND LOKI'SCUT TO: SCENE 2INT. THOR AND LOKI'SAPARTMENT

CUT TO: SCENE 2INT. THOR AND LOKI'SAPARTMENT09:00



INT. THOR AND LOKI'S APARTMENT2.2.

FROM: SCENE 1

2.

FROM: SCENE 1EXT. LOKI'S FRONT YARD

2.

FROM: SCENE 1EXT. LOKI'S FRONT YARD13:00

DAY 2 09:00

Loki / Thor None

Loki is sitting by the window, watching the snow fall. In the background, Thor is brushing his teeth.

LOKI::1

I think there must be something wrong with me. I

just don’t understand Christmas, I guess. I might

be getting presents and sending Christmas cards

and decorating trees and watching Father

overindulge in the eggnog and fall off the roof

while doing the macarena, but I’m still not happy. I

don’t feel the way I’m supposed to feel.



THOR::2

Loki, you are the only person I know who can take

a wonderful season like Christmas and turn it into

a problem. Maybe Stark is right. Your brain is a bag

of cats, obese, lasagna-loving orange tabbies with

homicidal tendencies.

Thor continues brushing his teeth, leaving Loki in silence to ponder that one.

CUT TO: SCENE 3CUT TO: SCENE 3EXT. ANOTHER BUSY CITYCUT TO: SCENE 3EXT. ANOTHER BUSY CITYSIDEWALK

CUT TO: SCENE 3EXT. ANOTHER BUSY CITYSIDEWALK11:00



EXT. ANOTHER BUSY CITY SIDEWALK3.3.

FROM: SCENE 2

3.

FROM: SCENE 2INT. THOR AND LOKI'S

3.

FROM: SCENE 2INT. THOR AND LOKI'SAPARTMENT

3.

FROM: SCENE 2INT. THOR AND LOKI'SAPARTMENT09:00

DAY 2 11:00

Bruce / Loki / Tony None

Loki walks over to a booth reading “Psychiatric Help – 5 cents / The Doctor is OUT”. Standing nearby, talking, is Tony Stark and his fellow Avenger, Dr. Bruce Banner. The booth isn't Dr. Banner's, though.

BRUCE::1

I think you have a customer.

Tony perks up, runs over to the booth.TONY::2

May I help you?

LOKI::3

I'm in sad shape.

TONY::4

Wait a minute, before we begin, I must ask that

you pay in advance. Five cents, please.

Loki fishes a nickel out of his pocket and drops it into the coffee can on the booth.



TONY::5

(CONT.)

Boy, what a sound! How I love to hear that ol'

money clink! That beautiful sound of cold, hard

cash! That beautiful, beautiful sound! That

beautiful sound of clinking nickels! … All right,

now, what seems to be your trouble?

LOKI::6

I feel depressed. I know I should be happy, but I'm

not.

TONY::7

Well, as they say on TV, the mere fact that you

realize that you need help indicates that you are

not too far gone. I think we had better pinpoint

your fears. If we can find out what you're afraid of,

we can label it. Are you afraid of responsibility? If

you are, then you have hypegiaphobia.

LOKI::8

I don't think that's quite it.



TONY::9

How about cats? If you're afraid of cats, you have

ailurophobia.

LOKI::10

Well, sort of, but I'm not sure.

TONY::11

Are you afraid of getting poop stuck in your

nostrils after sniffing the toilet bowl? If you are,

then you have rhinofecophobia. Maybe you have

plebiamelophobia. That's the fear of Mariah Carey

songs. Or maybe you have chorollamaphobia.

That's the fear of dancing llamas. Or maybe you

have rhinofeco-plebiamelo-chorollamaphobia. Do

you think you have

rhinofeco-plebiamelo-chorollamaphobia?

LOKI::12

What's that?



TONY::13

The fear of a llama dancing to Mariah Carey music

and accidentally knocking you head-first into a

toilet bowl, forcing you to intake poop into your

nostrils.

LOKI::14

Actually, my trouble is Christmas. Instead of

feeling happy, I feel sort of let down.

TONY::15

You need involvement. You need to get involved

in a real Christmas project. How'd you like to be

the director of our Christmas play?

LOKI::16

Me? Be the director?

TONY::17

Sure, Loki. We need a director, and you need

involvement. We've got shepherds, musicians,

animals, everyone you need. We've even got Bob

Barker reprising his role from “The Price Is Right.”



LOKI::18

I don't even know anything about directing a

Christmas play.

TONY::19

Don't worry. I'll be there to help you. I'll meet you

at the auditorium. Incidentally, I know how you

feel about all this Christmas business. Getting

depressed and all that. It happens to me every

year. I never get what I really want. I always get

chocolates or gift cards or second-hand Pokemon

underwear or talking “I Love Lucy” toilet seats.

LOKI::20

What is it you want?

TONY::21

Women.

CUT TO: SCENE 4CUT TO: SCENE 4EXT. THE HOTEL LOVE SONGSCUT TO: SCENE 4EXT. THE HOTEL LOVE SONGS13:00



EXT. THE HOTEL LOVE SONGS4.4.

FROM: SCENE 3

4.

FROM: SCENE 3EXT. ANOTHER BUSY CITY

4.

FROM: SCENE 3EXT. ANOTHER BUSY CITYSIDEWALK

4.

FROM: SCENE 3EXT. ANOTHER BUSY CITYSIDEWALK11:00

DAY 1 13:00

Loki / Thor None

Loki is in the cafe of the Hotel Love Songs when his brother walks up to him.THOR::1

I've been looking for you, Loki. I need you to write

a letter for me.

LOKI::2

A letter? What kind of letter?



THOR::3

Well, as the future king of Asgard, I figure it's time

to start building diplomatic relationships with the

other realms. Father was a great ruler in his day,

but he has grown soft in his old age. I want to

present Asgard as a peaceful ally but formidable

foe. Defense will be a key part of my rule.

LOKI::4

So what do you need me to write, then?

THOR::5

A letter to Santa Claus asking for a thermonuclear

heat-seeking missile and other weapons that

should ensure Asgard's complete security in the

case of any kind of crisis.

LOKI::6

That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!

... And let's face it, Thor, having lived with you for

all these years, that's no small feat. ... And why

can't you write it yourself?



THOR::7

Asgardian intelligence has recently uncovered

that Santa Claus is Korean, and the only things I

know how to say in Korean are “Where's the

bathroom?” and “Please pass the kimchi.”

Thor hands Loki a pen and clipboard.LOKI::8

All right, what do you want to say?

THOR::9

“Dear Santa Claus, how have you been? Did you

have a nice summer? How is your wife? I have

been extra good this year, so I have a long list of

presents that I want.”

LOKI::10

Oh boy.



THOR::11

“Please note the size and color of each item. And

send as many as possible. If that seems too

complicated, make it easy on yourself. Just send

me one hydrogen bomb, a squadron of

nuclear-ray-gun-equipped star cruisers, and a

Blu-Ray of Revenge of the Lactose-Intolerant Bionic

Ninja Grandmothers from Nebraska 3.”

LOKI::12

I heard that was a rip-off of the latest Pokemon

movie.

THOR::13

Oh, I don't really watch it for the plot, I watch it for

the song-and-dance numbers.



LOKI::14

It's comforting to know that Asgard's political

future is in such capable hands.

CUT TO: SCENE 5CUT TO: SCENE 5INT. THE AUDITORIUM AT THECUT TO: SCENE 5INT. THE AUDITORIUM AT THECOMMUNITY CENTER

CUT TO: SCENE 5INT. THE AUDITORIUM AT THECOMMUNITY CENTER18:00



INT. THE AUDITORIUM AT THE COMMUNITY 5.5.

FROM: SCENE 4

5.

FROM: SCENE 4EXT. THE HOTEL LOVE SONGS

5.

FROM: SCENE 4EXT. THE HOTEL LOVE SONGS13:00

CENTER

EVENING 2 18:00

Bruce / Loki / Natasha / Pepper / NoneThor / Tony

TONY::1

All right, quiet, everybody! Our director will be

here any minute, and we'll start rehearsal.

NATASHA::2

Director? What director?

TONY::3

Loki, Thor's brother!

PEPPER::4

Oh no, we're doomed!



NATASHA::5

This is going to be the WORST Christmas play ever!

THOR::6

Have a care how you speak! Loki may be beyond

reason, but he is of Asgard and he is my brother!

NATASHA::7

Remember last Halloween how he convinced us all

to stay out all night and wait for the “Great

Pumpkin”? We missed trick-or-treating for that,

and on top of that, he got diarrhea in the pumpkin

patch.

THOR::8

... He's adopted.

TONY::9

Here he comes! Attention, everyone! Here's our

director!

Loki walks in. Everyone just stares, except for Fred, the evil Snorlax, who has just randomly shown up. He blows a party horn.

LOKI::10

There is something vaguely disturbing about this,

but I don't know what.

Loki takes his place by the director's chair.



LOKI::11

(CONT.)

I am Loki of Asgard, and I am burdened with

glorious purpose. … As you know, we are going to

put on a Christmas play. Due to the shortage of

time and you mortals' inability to govern

yourselves, we'll get right down to work. One of

the first things to ensure a good performance is

strict attention to the director. I'll keep my

directions simple. If I point to the right, I means

“focus attention stage right.” If I make a slashing

motion across my throat, it means “cut the scene

short.” If I make a revolving motion with my hand,

it means “pick up the tempo.” If I spread my hands

apart, it means “slow down.” It's the spirit of the

actors that count! The interest that they show in

their director! Am I right? ... I said, am I right?

Unfortunately for Loki of Asgard, no one is showing any interest in the director. The cast is all dancing to "Linus and Lucy".



LOKI ::12

(CONT.)

Stop the music! All right, we're going to do this

play and we're going to do it right! Stark, get those

scripts and pass them out.

Tony hands Natasha her script.TONY::13

You're the innkeeper's wife.

NATASHA::14

(PATTING HER HAIR)

Do innkeepers' wives have naturally lustrous red

hair?

TONY::15

Bruce, you're the innkeeper.

BRUCE::16

In spite of my tendency to lose control and

transform into a giant green monster, I shall do my

best to run a respectable place of business.

Tony hands Thor his scriptTONY::17

Memorize these lines, so you can recite them on

cue.



THOR::18

I'm a shepherd? Again? I'm a shepherd every year!

This is ridiculous! This is beneath the future king of

Asgard! Give me one good reason why I should

have to memorize this!

TONY::19

Listen, big guy. Stark Industries has just finished

the prototype of its latest in remote-controlled

warfare, the

Hyper-Phase-Distortion-Blaster-equipped Martha

Stewart Bot 9000. It would be a shame if it were to

suddenly go nuclear on, let's say, Jane Foster.

THOR::20

Not only is Christmas getting too commercial, it's

getting too dangerous.

TONY::21

And get rid of that stupid weapon! What’s a

Christmas shepherd going to look like holding

that?



THOR::22

Well, this is one Christmas shepherd who's going

to keep his trusty weapon with him!

TONY::23

It's not so much the weapon I mind as it is your

yelling “It's hammer time!” when you get on stage.

LOKI::24

All right, let's have it quiet! Places, everybody.

Clint, set the mood for the first scene.

Hawkeye begins playing "Linus and Lucy" again.LOKI::25

(CONT.)

Cut! Cut! No, no, no!

Loki walks over to Natasha and Bruce.LOKI::26

Let's rehearse the scene at the inn. Natasha—

NATASHA::27

(LOOKING AT HER HAIR IN HER HAND-MIRROR)

We can't go on. Dr. Banner keeps passing gas, and

the sulfur-containing compounds are taking the

luster out of my naturally lustrous deep red hair.



THOR::28

Loki, the actors have unionized. We have

demands. We want a lunch break now!

LOKI::29

We don't have any time for this nonsense! All right,

everyone, let's take it from the top again.

Hawkeye begins playing ... You guessed it.THOR::30

Isn't this great, Loki?

Loki scowls. TONY::31

Look, let’s face it. We all know that Christmas is a

big commercial racket. It’s run by a big eastern

syndicate, ya know.

LOKI::32

Well, this is one play that’s not going to be

commercial. What our play needs is the proper

Christmas mood. We need a Christmas tree.



TONY::33

Hey, a tree. A great big shiny aluminum Christmas

tree! That’s it! Get the biggest aluminum tree you

can find. Maybe paint it pink!

CUT TO: SCENE 6CUT TO: SCENE 6EXT. SMELLY JOE'S CHRISTMASCUT TO: SCENE 6EXT. SMELLY JOE'S CHRISTMASTREES 4 LESS

CUT TO: SCENE 6EXT. SMELLY JOE'S CHRISTMASTREES 4 LESS19:00



EXT. SMELLY JOE'S CHRISTMAS TREES 4 LESS6.6.

FROM: SCENE 5

6.

FROM: SCENE 5INT. THE AUDITORIUM AT THE

6.

FROM: SCENE 5INT. THE AUDITORIUM AT THECOMMUNITY CENTER

6.

FROM: SCENE 5INT. THE AUDITORIUM AT THECOMMUNITY CENTER18:00

EVENING 2 19:00

Loki / Thor None

Thor and Loki enter Smelly Joe's Christmas Trees 4 Less. The lot is decorated with Nyan Cats, cats with Pop-Tarts for bodies.

THOR::1

Ah, Pop-Tarts. This brings back memories of the

time Father banished me to Earth. Jane Foster was

the first mortal I met, and she gave me Pop-Tarts.

LOKI::2

Well, that's most creative euphemism I've heard

for it, that's for sure.

Thor just stares at Loki. They pass a bunch of aluminum Christmas trees until they get to a small, scraggly live one.



THOR::3

I didn't know they still made wooden Christmas

trees.

LOKI::4

This one seems to need a home.

THOR::5

I don’t know, remember what Stark said? This

doesn’t seem to fit the modern spirit.

LOKI::6

I don’t care! We’ll decorate it, and it will be just

right for our play. Besides, I think it needs me.

CUT TO: SCENE 7CUT TO: SCENE 7INT. THE AUDITORIUM AT THECUT TO: SCENE 7INT. THE AUDITORIUM AT THECOMMUNITY CENTER

CUT TO: SCENE 7INT. THE AUDITORIUM AT THECOMMUNITY CENTER20:00



INT. THE AUDITORIUM AT THE COMMUNITY 7.7.

FROM: SCENE 6

7.

FROM: SCENE 6EXT. SMELLY JOE'S CHRISTMAS

7.

FROM: SCENE 6EXT. SMELLY JOE'S CHRISTMASTREES 4 LESS

7.

FROM: SCENE 6EXT. SMELLY JOE'S CHRISTMASTREES 4 LESS19:00

CENTER

EVENING 2 20:00

Loki / Natasha / Pepper / Thor / NoneTony

Thor and Loki return to auditorium, place tree on piano.LOKI::1

We're back!

The Avengers & co. gather around piano.

PEPPER::2

Boy, are you stupid, Loki. You were supposed to

get a good tree. Can’t you even tell a good tree

from a poor tree?



NATASHA::3

(SIGHS)

You’re hopeless, Loki.

TONY::4

You’ve been dumb before, but this time you bit it. I

specifically told you to get an ALUMINUM one.

LOKI::5

What's wrong with this one?

TONY::6

As part of the side effects of the gamma rays that

mutated Dr. Banner, he gets violent fits of irritable

bowel syndrome when exposed to pine trees.

NATASHA::7

(SIGHS)

I'll get the mop and bucket.

PEPPER::8

I'll get the disinfectant and nuclear ray gun in case.



LOKI::9

I guess you were right, Thor; I shouldn’t have

picked this little tree. Everything I do turns into a

disaster. … Moses hates me, Luke hates me, the

apostles hate me … all fifty of them!

Thor puts a reassuring hand on Loki's shoulder.THOR::10

If it makes you feel any better, when I went to the

nursing home last week with Jane to deliver

cookies, I was pushing an old lady around in her

wheelchair, but I wasn't aware that the hallway

was on an incline, so I applied a little too much

force and accidentally pushed her out the window.

... Luckily, she was about four hundred pounds

overweight, so all her fat cushioned her fall.



LOKI::11

Thank you, Thor; now not only do I not feel any

better, but I have every reason to believe that

within twenty-four hours of your assuming the

throne, Asgard will be plunged into political

upheaval, the likes of which make the Arab Spring

look like an episode of "Mr. Roger's

Neighborhood".

THOR ::12

Don't you want to hear about how she bounced

fifteen feet into the air after hitting a parked car?

CUT TO: SCENE 8CUT TO: SCENE 8EXT. YET ANOTHER BUSYCUT TO: SCENE 8EXT. YET ANOTHER BUSYSIDEWALK

CUT TO: SCENE 8EXT. YET ANOTHER BUSYSIDEWALK17:30



EXT. YET ANOTHER BUSY SIDEWALK8.8.

FROM: SCENE 7

8.

FROM: SCENE 7INT. THE AUDITORIUM AT THE

8.

FROM: SCENE 7INT. THE AUDITORIUM AT THECOMMUNITY CENTER

8.

FROM: SCENE 7INT. THE AUDITORIUM AT THECOMMUNITY CENTER20:00

EVENING 3 17:30

Loki The Sheep / Thor None

Thor has his shepherd's staff and regalia, thus looking kind of like Lawrence of Arabia, and is leading along a rather odd sheep that is walking on its hind legs.

LOKI THE SHEEP::1

I can't believe I agreed to do this. Why am I doing

this, again?

THOR::2

Well, there was no way they were going to let you

direct another play.

LOKI THE SHEEP::3

I couldn't even have been a wise man?

THOR::4

On the bright side, you have fewer lines this way.



LOKI THE SHEEP::5

Baa-aah humbug.

THOR::6

Loki, watch out for the—

His warning comes too late; the sheep trips over the curb that he apparently did not see because of the costume head's limited range of vision.

THOR::7

Slouching toward Bethlehem, eh, brother?

LOKI THE SHEEP::8

Baa-aah humbug.








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Lokimon Episode II Script