CASE STUDY

uals and couples. Frederic Luskin conducts train-ing for therapists around the United States andKen Silvestri andJed Rosen, each with 25 years ormore of clinical experience, have worked toincorporate the teaching of forgiveness skills intotheir practices. In our clinical work, we've regu-larly been surprised that clients coming to us haveoften been to therapists who don't know how tohelp them forgive and, as a result, have remainedstuck in seemingly irresolvable emotional tangles.The following case illustrates a model incorporat-ing aspects of cognitive disputation, narrativetherapy, gratitude practice, positive emotionenhancement, and stress management that'sdesigned to help people discover what it means toforgive.Don and Sara had been married for 25 years

and had two children. Ten years before coming totherapy, Sara had told Don about an affair she'dhad during the first year of their marriage. She'dquickly discontinued the relationship, but was soplagued by guilt that, 15 years later, she felt com-pelled to reveal her secret. Don had been stunnedby the news, and his hurt and anger hadn't sub-sided. He couldn't get past his feeling that his wifehad permanently humiliated him. Despite thepassage of time, he continued to blame her forshattering his trust in and commitment to her.At the point they came to therapy, Sara's guilt

over the affair had morphed into bitterness andresentment toward her husband. She now sawDon's anger as only an excuse to punish her. Shecomplained that his unrelenting criticism haddestroyed her self-confidence as a wife and moth-er. For the past year, she'd refused any sexual rela-tionship with him. "Don says he wants intimacywith me, but he never stops reminding me of theaffair," she said. "How can I get close to a personwho's so pissed at me all the time?"Their relationship was characterized by shifts

from warm friendship and cooperative parentingto verbal abuse and screaming fights, resulting inpolarized standoffs. In one therapy session, Donturned abruptly on Sara: "I can never stop think-ing that in those first two years, when I was bust-ing my ass each day running my business, you ~

BY FREDERIC LUSKIN, KEN SILVESTRI, AND JED ROSEN

Learning ForgivenessPeacemaking skills for couplesJOHN GOTTMAN,IN HIS OFTEN-CITEDmaritalresearch, found that 70 percent of the problemsthat couples complain about are present from thebeginning of their relationship. Too often, theseproblems devolve into years of criticism and con-tempt-which, Gottman found, destroy marriagesin the long run. Fortunately, Gottman and otherresearchers have discovered that, even when part-

ners can't change each other, they canforgive each other. In fact, forgiveness,even in the absence of behavioralchange, is a key to sustaining a sue-cessfullong-term relationship. Sinceapparently unchangeable charac-teristics and behaviors are found inmost relationships, why not help

couples learn mutual forgiveness asan indispensable skill for creatingand maintaining goodwill, even ifthey can't realize their most utopianvision of blissful partnership?A series of research studies called

the Stanford Forgiveness Projects, anextensive, long-term explo-

ration of the heal-ing propertiesof forgiveness,has exploredmany difficultissues, ranging

from forgiving achild's death from

political violence to the let-ting go of resentment over infi-

delity. The projects found that people who weretaught how to forgive showed statistically signifi-cant improvement in physical and emotional well-being. Within couples, the projects defined for-giveness pragmatically as making peace when onepartner didn't get what he or she wanted from theother, encompassing injuries as slight as repeat-edly leaving a window open to those as grave ascausing a child's death.The findings of the Stanford Forgiveness

Projects have more recently been organized bythe authors into a therapy approach with individ-

ILLUSTRATION BY SALLY WERN COMpORT WWW.PSYCHOTHERAPYNETWORKER.ORG 6I

CASE STUDY

were screwing that bastard and thenlying to me about it," he said.Don had recently quit marital thera-

py with another therapist becausehe'd found the focus on the past sounsettling that he'd left sessions feel-ing worse than ever. "Every time thetherapist asked me or Sara to bring upwhat was bothering us, my bloodwould boil," he said. "We got so angryat each other that all we'd do wasaccuse each other of the same things.It became a struggle for me not to callan attorney to draw up divorcepapers." He still hadn't given up onhis marriage, but he felt that time wasrunning out. In our first session, heannounced, "If we can't fix this now,there'll be no saving this marriage."Don's hurt was obvious, as was the

fact that Sara's confessing to Don hadbeen her way of trying to shed the bur-den of her guilt. "I'd hoped that mycoming clean after so many years ofsecrecy would give us a new start," shesaid. "I now wonder if I should havetold Don in the first place." Immersedin his tale of grievance, Don wasunable to see anything about Sara'saffair beyond his own wounding.Meanwhile, Sara had ceased to see

any of the positive qualities Don con-tinued to demonstrate in their mar-riage. Instead of considering his con-tinued interest in a sexual life with heras a desire to heal from the maritalwound, she saw it as a primitive malepower play to collect his due. So whilehe had trouble forgiving her, she hadtrouble forgiving his not forgiving her.As is often the case with wounded part-ners, he feared that forgiving herwould make him even more vulnera-ble. "If I soften up and she hurts meagain, I don't think I could take it," hesaid. "At least when I'm angry, I can'tget taken by surprise." Sara lamentedto him, "It's been so long since you letyour guard down, since you confidedin me, since you asked for my advice, Idon't know if you're capable of it any-more."For forgiveness to take root in a cou-

ple, both parties need to acknowledgetheir hurt and then turn their atten-tion to their present relationship and

let go of the past. Along the way, theytypically find that it's possible to dis-like something a partner did, grievefor the experience, and get over it.Just as couples have the inherentcapacity for anger and despair, theyhave the capacity for forgiveness andreconnection. But first, both have torelinquish blame and grieve for theirwounds.Research has amply demonstrated

that the habit of anger regularlyhijacks our ability to think clearly.Because their chronic anger causedthem so much mental and physicaltension, the first few sessions with Donand Sara were spent teaching themstress-reduction exercises to relaxtheir bodies and restore calmer think-ing. Since they'd "practiced" their feel-ings of anger so much, their therapisthad to model, teach, cajole, andencourage them to find within them-selves their underused capacity forrelating to each other with kindnessand gentleness. They went through aseries of -guided-imagery exercisesdesigned to calm them down as well asrefocus from negative internal imagesto more positive ones.The initial focus was on learning

that accessing submerged feelings ofgratitude, compassion, and love-both in general and toward eachother-could come as naturally asaccessing blame, shame, and anger.Their therapist asked them to try anexperiment: "Youknow how it feels tomistrust the other. Let's see what itfeels like to practice goodwill." Indoing this, they were first reassuredthat they could always return to theirold negative interactions, which theyalready knew how to do very well.After some time practicing stress-

reduction and breathing exercises,Don and Sara felt less automatic emo-tional reactivity and found that theycould listen better to each other. WhenSara told Don that his anger kept herfrom having sexual feelings towardhim, he managed to listen quietly with-out exploding. The mere fact that hecould stay still and listen had the effectof relaxing Sara, and she began to leancloser to him when he spoke.Another initial focus was to dimin-

ish mutual expectations of what each

62 PSYCHOTHERAPY NETWORKER • September/October 2009

partner "owed" the other-what wecall "unenforceable rules." Peopleoften react badly to not getting whatthey want, escalating their desires intodemands, and then becoming unableto forgive other people for not fulfill-ing these demands. Don and Sarawere punishing each other for theirunmet hopes, while being unwilling torealize, as the Rolling Stones put it,"You can't always get what you want."Don had every right to be hurt andangry at Sara's early betrayal in theirmarriage, but his outrage and inabilityto forgive her for more than twodecades stemmed from his belief thather fidelity was his entitlement. Fromthis sense of entitlement, he drew the"rule" that it was her obligation tomake him feel strong and masculine.Sara's unenforceable rule was that,

as the strong male protector, Donmust always love her and keep hersafe, no matter how she behaved orwhat mistakes she made. Naivelythinking he'd simply appreciate thehonesty of her confession, she'dexpected that the slate would bewiped clean. As a result, she was com-pletely unprepared for his hurt andoutrage. She needed help to see thathis hurt about the affair didn't cancelout his protective feelings for her andto realize that her fierce protector wasvulnerable, imperfect, and sometimesselfish. Bottom line: he didn't alwayshave to give her what she wanted forher to love him. 'For weeks, Don and Sara worked to

put aside their rigid rules for eachother and develop more flexible waysof thinking about their relationship.Eventually, he dug beneath his feelingthat he had a right to her fidelity andreached his deeper wish for her tolove him genuinely. When at last heexpressed his yearning for her lovewithout insisting upon his maritalrights, his voice cracked. "All I everreally wanted was for you to love me,"he said, bowing his head. Sara's smileshowed real tenderness at his willing-ness to admit his vulnerability.Forgiveness therapists are on the look-out for this kind of moment to helpthe couple ask themselves, "Where didthis feeling come from? Is it possibleto get back there?" ~

CASE STUDY

Beneath this couple's anger weredeeper and stronger feelings of mutu-al admiration, affection, and loyalty.Don still felt fiercely protective ofSara, while she admired his work ethicand drive: it was the determination ofboth-to work hard, rise from hum-ble beginnings, and make a goodlife-that had initially drawn themtogether. In widening their perspec-tives beyond the cramped space ofmutual grievance, they developedcompassion for each other's mistakesand began to accept the reality thatthey'd each married a flawed, butgood, human being.

We constantly remind clients thatthey're capable of many responses tobeing wounded, and the goal is tofind the one that gives them what theymost deeply want. We call this deepwant the "positive intention." Saraand Don needed to find and articu-late their positive intention and use itto change their relationship story. Inone session, their therapist askedthem to think of the deepest positivereason they married each other andto make it personal and specific. Theywere then asked if that deep lovingreason was still true and, if so,whether it wasn't .time to tell a storyabout that intention, rather thanabout how each had failed. Don sawthat he'd been hurt badly by Sara pre-,cisely because he'd loved andadmired her so deeply; he couldn'timagine himself being with anotherwoman. His positive intention was toexpress that sense of love and com-_mitment directly, authentically, andwithout qualifications; but to do thatand continue nourishing these feel-ings, he had to forgive her and moveon. In turn, Sara's positive intentionwas to create a marriage so strong thatanything could be forgiven-the kind,of marriage her parents had not had..but which she deeply wanted WithDon. To make good on this positiveintention, Sara realized that the firstmajor step she must take was to for-give Don for his continuing blameand negativity toward her.

Forgiveness isn't a free pass to anyand all bad behavior; it doesn't con-

done unkindness, infidelity, neglect,or disrespect, or require one to returnto an abusive relationship or be adoormat. Research shows that theseare some of the commonest miscon-ceptions about forgiveness. But for-giveness or making peace with the var-ious ways life has disappointed us canfree us from being stuck in hurt andblame and help us become better andhappier partners and people. Thesimple truth is that when we practiceharshness toward our partner, webecome good at being harsh. Whenwe practice forgiveness, we becomegood at forgiveness-which funda-mentally means learning to love andaccept the imperfect people in ourlives and allowing them to love andaccept us.

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