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COURAGEOUS CONVERSATIONS

L A U R E N C . M I L L E R

#INBOUND19 @LAUREN_COLETTE

BILBAO DESIGN

LAUREN C. MILLERLeadership Coach & Instructor

THANK YOU for being here! (This is important stuff)

• Consulting background - Program management, Change management

• Experience Design - Learning & Development

• Leadership Coach for MBA & PhD students

• Executive Coach, Independent Consultant

• Faculty - Tepper School of Business & Integrated Innovation Institute

#INBOUND19@INBOUND@LAUREN_COLETTE LAURENCMILLER.COM [email protected] LINKEDIN.COM/IN/LAURENCOLETTE


WE ACTUALLY LOVE GIVING FEEDBACK

Twitter - likes, retweetsInstagram - likesUber/Lyft - rate your driverTripAdvisor - rate your hotelYelp - review and rate your serviceGrubHub - rate your experienceAppStore - rate the appAmazon product review - rate your productNetflix - rate the movieFitBit - let me know how I’m doingScreenTime - let me know how I’m doing


BUT, WHAT’S THE THEME?

Proprietary & Confidential | Lauren C Miller



BUT, WHAT’S THE THEME?



All are feedback mechanisms

None involve human interaction

None are conversations


WE KNOW FEEDBACK IS IMPORTANT

o Feedback helps us learn, grow, and be more successful.o If delivered properly, it shows you care about the other’s success.

Trust &Psychological Safety Collaboration

& InnovationImproved Performance Outcomes

Better Business Results

Learning & Development


William Larimer Mellon, Founder

SO WHY DON’T WE DO IT?

Why do we avoid the conversation?Why is it easier to do on an app?


GIVING FEEDBACK CREATES A TENSION

We want to help the person learn,

grow, improve

We don’t want tobe temporarily uncomfortable

(fear of the unknown)



GIVING FEEDBACK CREATES A TENSION


We want to learn, grow,

improve

We want to be accepted and

appreciated for who we are now

(fear of rejection)


GIVING FEEDBACK IS TOUGH, BUT…

o 69% of employees said they would work harder if they received more feedback (Gallup).

o Leaders who gave honest feedback were rated five times more effective than ones who do not (Forbes, 2013).

As a leader, not giving feedback is more harmful than giving constructive feedback


OUR OWN FEAR IS HOLDING US BACK


OUR OWN FEAR IS HOLDING US BACK

Our own fear is holding others back


WHAT IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF FEAR?

Discomfort

Dread

Fear

Anxiety



Discomfort

Dread

Fear

Anxiety Defensive behavior



Discomfort

Dread

Fear

Improved Performance

Better Outcomes

Engaged Teams

Anxiety

Courage

Confidence

Resilience


A REFRAME IS NEEDED

Difficult Conversations

Instead of…FearUncomfortableChallengingToughTelling, directing

Courageous Conversations


Think of…IntegrityVulnerabilityAuthenticityCollaborationLeadershipProvoking learning - Growth mindsetCreating dialogueCultural transformation


SHOWING UP WITH GOOD INTENT IS COURAGEOUS

This is not about being punitive.This is about investing in others’ success.



SAYING WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL SAY IS COURAGEOUS

One of the most valuable things you can do for someone is tell them exactly what no one else has told them before.- Karen May, VP People Development, Google



LET’S TALK ACTION

o Show, don’t tell

o Inquiry, not advocacy



SBI FRAMEWORK

I

SITUATION BEHAVIOR IMPACT

BS

The specific situation you are giving feedback

about.

The behavior you noticed in that specific situation.

The direct impact of the behavior.

adapted from Center for Creative Leadership


SBI FRAMEWORK

IBS

adapted from Center for Creative Leadership

Sparks behavior change

SITUATION BEHAVIOR IMPACTThe specific situation you

are giving feedback about.




WHAT THIS IS NOT


This is not about giving everyone a piece of your mind (TELLING)

This is about SHOWING the impact / consequences of their behavior

Let’s see it in action.

John, can we talk about the deadline

last Tuesday?

More effective than saying…. “You’ve got to get your reports in on time.”

You have a regular call with your customer every Tuesday. John, a member of your team, is responsible for getting analytics reporting done by Tuesday morning, so everyone has up-to-date data ready to go for the call.

S B ISituation Behavior Impact

I didn’t receive your report by the deadline

we agreed on.

Because of this, I wasn’t able to update the

customer. This affected both the team’s progress

and the customer’s confidence in us.


Part 2

John, can we talk about the deadline

last Tuesday?

More effective than saying…. “Thanks, great job!”

S B ISituation Behavior Impact

I noticed that when you were finished with your report, you asked if you could help the team by

picking up any additional tasks.

Because of this, we really impressed the customer. Your extra effort really

pulled the team together.


You have a regular call with your customer every Tuesday. John, a member of your team, is responsible for getting analytics reporting done by Tuesday morning, so everyone has up-to-date data ready to go for the call.

Let’s try it out.

Andy, an employee on your team, is incredibly smart, a subject matter in his field, and hits his metrics every quarter. The problem is, no one wants to work with him because he’s got an arrogant attitude, works in isolation, and consistently complains.

At yesterday’s team brainstorming session, he interrupted another team member, and voiced that the person’s idea was “the dumbest thing he’s ever heard”. It immediately shifted the mood in the room.

You’re sensing the team’s growing impatience with Andy.


SITUATION BEHAVIOR IMPACTThe specific situation you are giving feedback about.




AFTER THE “I” : INQUIRY, NOT ADVOCACY


BS

The specific situation you are giving feedback about.



INQUIRYOpen-ended questions to encourage learning.

B I I

adapted from Peter Senge


AFTER THE “I” : INQUIRY, NOT ADVOCACY


BS

The specific situation you are giving feedback about.



INQUIRYOpen-ended questions to encourage learning.

B I I

adapted from Peter Senge


INQUIRY CREATES DIALOGUE

• “What’s your perspective?”

• “What did you notice?”

• “What could we do differently next time?”

• “Why do you think that happened?”

• “What ideas do you have to make this better for everyone?”

• “What ideas do you have on how to get back on track?”

• “What can we do about this so it doesn’t happen again?”

Ask. Listen.Help your team come up with their own specific solutions.


TIPS AND TRICKSo Specificity.o Timeliness.o 1 piece of feedback at a time. (“you always”)o Behaviors, not traits. (“you are”)o Check your intent: Difficult or courageous?

o Do you want to be right or do you want to help this person succeed?o Go from “I/You” to “We”.o Be future-oriented. (“Next time, let’s….” )o We don’t know what we don’t know.o Practice out loud. o Performance reviews are different.



1 MINUTE REFLECTION

o Think of 1 person who needs constructive feedback. Jot down your SBI2.o Think of 1 person who needs positive feedback. Jot down your SBI or SBI2.

o Maybe that person can be me. Tweet/instagram/email me feedback about today’s presentation. If you’re really brave, come up and SAY it!

o Will you be courageous? Or will fear hold you back?


GO FORTH & BE COURAGEOUS

o LaurenCMiller.com

o Download slides from today

o Follow up webinar on Receiving Feedback (FREE)- sign up

o Does your entire team need to hear this? Let's talk.

o Leadership Coaching spots now open for October!


15% off with code INBOUND

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Lauren Miller Final Upload · Yelp - review and rate your service GrubHub - rate your experience AppStore - rate the app Amazon product review - rate your product Netflix - rate the