Kenyon Collegiate Issue 4.6

8/3/2019 Kenyon Collegiate Issue 4.6

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Philander’s Most sPlendiferous source of news and GossiP. Vol. 4, issue 6 noVeMber 18, 2011

Roy McKluskin’

AMBIER — Much to no one’sprise, a study published last week

nrmed that every single studentrently attending Kenyon College

ows how to live well except for you.e data conrmed your longstandingpicion by demonstrating superiorels of self-awareness, self control,

d fashion sense among nearly andred percent of a random sample

your peers. According to the study,asically no one” had trouble gettingall of their classes in the last weekile “practically every person youon a daily basis” had experienced

ccessful social interactions and aca-mic success in areas where you haveled.Components of getting along cov-d by the study included everythingm GPA to ability to get ahead on

mmer internship applications toding the most delicious foods andortest lines in Peirce. Another por-n measured how often the wholerld got themselves into easily-

oided painful or embarrassing situ-ons. When asked if they had ever

been dumped, cried in public, or calledtheir professor Mom, “basically all”the non-you subjects checked eitherthe box marked “No,” or the onemarked “That happened like once.”

Even those you’d previouslythought might be just as disorganizedas yourself turned out to be surprising-ly competent. Girl Who Is Probably In

Peeps (With The Greasy Hair) ‘13 isplanning on studying abroad at Oxford

in the spring and uses the back of themason jar she usually carries aroundas a day planner. Meanwhile, your dayplanner continues to gather dust in thebottom drawer of your desk, sourcessay.

When asked what his particularstrategy for keeping it together en-tailed, subject and rst year everyman

the kenyon collegiate

veryone Has Their Shit Together Except You

Button Gwennit

UND GALLERY — Just two weekser the inaugural exhibition at the

wly opened Gund Gallery, thelery staff has decided to hold theest ever” laser tag and pizza party

a group of local middle schooldents. Director Nicole Mormer re-rked, “We thought it would be funhost some kids and lighten up onthe art stuff for awhile.”The gallery, which boasts oor-ceiling glass windows and 31,000uare feet of oor space, furthersnyon’s dedication to the arts and

eks to expand the limits of knowl-ge with innovative exhibits andows. The laser tag and pizza party

will take place in the gallery spacebecause “it has the best angles forstealth attacks,” Mormer offered.

The party celebrates the 12th

birthday of Mt. Vernon preteen Kris-ten Belchek. Fourteen of Belchek’s“closest friends” will accompany hernext Saturday afternoon in the gal-lery to eat pepperoni and cheese pizzaand play several rounds of laser tag.“I visited the gallery with my parentslast weekend and was really blownaway by the mixed media installa-tions in the Seeing/Knowing exhibi-tion, and I thought, ‘It would be thebest ever to have my birthday partyhere,’” she said.

und Gallery To Host “Best Ever”aser Tag And Pizza Party

By Ricardo Carrigano

MANNING HALL — SophomoreRandy Johnson reportedly just found

out that the pictures of Discrimination,Community, and Sexual MisconductAdvisers posted around campus arenot, in fact, singles ads.

Friend Harriet Thispy ’13 gave himthe news last week when Johnson con-fessed his intention to reply to whathe thought was a romantic solicitationfrom Leonard Hall CA, Nora Castle’13.

“He said that he wanted to talk tome about a girl, and I thought, ‘Oh,all right, here we go’ — he’s kind of a failed romantic. Anyway, he tells mehe can’t stop thinking about [Castle]

and that he’d never responded one’s ad before but he was dotrying new things — and that’sI stopped him.”

Thispy continued, “I askewhat he was talking about and me [about the posters]. I told htruth and he just gaped at me, shis head saying, ‘Nah . . . SNah . . . ’ It took about ve minthat before he believed me.”

Johnson, who lives in MResidence Hall, became infwith Castle after he saw her faing out at him from a hallwa“I didn’t know anything aboexcept her place of residence

Continued on page 2. Continued on page 2.

InsIdeThIs Issue

Continued on page 4.

look ! a Genteel city hen!

These people are only two among the thousands of other people who have their shit together.

Student Shocked To DiscoverAdviser Posters Not Singles Ad

Local Election ReportStudents Vote For MoFamiliar-Sounding N

President Nugent Announces 2012Commencement Spe

Will Be S. Georgia Nugent

Attractive Guy Surprisingly Boring



please recycle issue before or after reading

Ricardo Carrigano

DDLE PATH — Last Thursdayul Westworth ’12 allegedly failed tourn a greeting from friend Karl Wil-ms ’12. Williams said he was walk- North when he saw Westworth

ming the other way. He smiled andered a “Hello,” but received noth- in return.

This snubbing has caused Williamsreevaluate his entire three-monthiendship” with Westworth. The two

niors met each other for the rst timethe Panini press in the early weeksthe semester. Williams recalledfully, “I was making my ham and

eese melt and the paper got stuck totop of the bread.” He continued,

er pausing for what appeared to beingle tear, “And then [Paul]— he

ust have been getting a cookie or

something, I don’t know— just comesup and says, ‘Oh, man, I hate whenthat happens. But it’s ber, right?’ Iwas struck by how candid he was, andhow much we had in common. I wastotally thinking the same thing.” Thetwo traded names and some friendlynonsensical pleasantries before West-worth went to see what was at the In-ternational station, Williams to get a

cup of raisins for the road.After this encounter, Westworth

and Williams would continue to seeeach other on a semi-regular ba-sis, both offering a “Hey, what’s up,dude”, a “Hey,” or more commonly,a shared, “’Sup,” often in the formof “’Sup bro?” Williams remembersthese brief moments with pride andwarmth, which only greater informshis confusion regarding last Thurs-day’s “callous ignorance of friendly

custom,” as he described the incident.But when thinking on it more clearly,he realized that for the last few weeks,he and Westworth “hadn’t been ‘sup-ping each other like [they] used to.”

“Wait, who?” replied Westworth,when reached for comment. He re-membered, “Oh, that guy. Yeah. I passhim every now and again, and he’s al-

ways got this really eager looface. We acknowledge eachpresence, but I don’t think Ihad a real conversation wiWhen asked to comment onligence, Westworth politelyand said that he “could not particular” any instance as thscribed.

riendship Thrown Into Question Following Neglect Of Afternoon Gree

Westworth, at left, contemplating the

Button Gwennit

LIN LIBRARY — Last Tuesday,me inconsiderate asshole nally re-ned Home Alone 2 to the Multime-Collections Room, sources report.

In a move described as “totallyking uncool,” someone rented out

in’s only copy of the lm and didt return it for two weeks, despite thet that nes were accrued and daily

minder emails were sent.

As a result, anger permeated thedent body last week, resulting ingeneral malaise of several friend

oups.“I rented out a projector and wasng to show Home Alone 2 on my

rm room wall,” said Stacey Denton4, “but when I went to check out

movie, I realized that some idiotver returned it.” Denton was report-y “crushed” when she saw that the

m was absent from Olin’s collection

and settled instead for a documentaryabout the Guatemalan soybean indus-try.

Another student, Tristan Werther’13 remarked, “That jerk must have atleast, like, $13 in nes by now. Come-uppance hurts, bitch.”

Hailed as a “moderately successfulsequel,” Home Alone 2: Lost in NewYork stands as a seminal piece in thecareer of Macaulay Culkin and pro-vides many students with an outlet forrelaxation.

The lm’s absence has been an un-spoken source of tension in the com-munity ever since that asshole rentedit out. LBIS coordinator Tim Rancherooffered, “I’m just glad the lm was re-turned. I didn’t want to have to presslegal action on this son of a gun, but Iwould have.”

College ofcials failed to providethe asshole’s name for fear of potentialviolent outbreak, but this has not keptstudents from guessing. “I’m goingto nd out who this jerk is,” Werthercried, “and give him a piece of mymind.”

For the event, Gund Gallery studentociates are assigned to organize

mes and apply candles to Belchek’ske. When asked if the current art in

gallery is at risk of being damaged,ormer replied, “I’m sure they will beeful. We’re providing napkins, so...”Last weekend, a gala held in recog-ion of the successful “We Are Ken-n” campaign brought out hundreds

of trustees to the gallery dressed in for-mal attire. For Belchek’s party, no of-cial dress code will be enforced, butsources report that she plans on wear-ing a skort that she bought at the malllast weekend.

Mormer told Collegiate reportersthat she encourages use of the GundGallery for many different purposes,and offered that in the upcomingmonths, the gallery hopes to host morecasual, fun events for local teens.

Johnson. “Oh, and her rm place inthe hearth of my ardent desire,” headded. Though he has been a residentof the college for over a year and hasseen the posters before, it appears thathis lust inspired temporary illiteracywhenever he stared at the informativebills. A follow-up question conrmedthis supposition, as Johnson explained,“I thought the groupings [according tocampus location] were a way to direct

seeking singles to proximal ames.” When asked to conpictures of the various facultymembers also on the posters,said he “gured the older optifor those who are, you know,kind of thing.”

Now aware of their actuaJohnson has reportedly remoof the three kinds of advisefrom the wall next to his besources could not conrm, itthat each poster showed signstick stains.

sshole Finally Returns Home Alone 2 To Multimedia Collections Ro

Best Ever” from page 1. “Advisers” from page 1.

That jerk must have at

ast, like, $13 in nes byow.”

A somewhat beloved piece of family e



[email protected]

ife & Style

tyle Profile: Girl Who Dresses In950s Fashions Actually From 1950s

Does This Library Carrel HaveRoom For One More?

Ambrosia Sweetwater

a Sweeny, frequenter of the Ascen-n Reading Room and the periodical

elves in the library basement, hastrouble standing out of the crowd

her precious pink poodle skirts andndy cat eye spectacles. “I sewed theodle on myself!” she said merrilyfore disappearing into a shelf of oldnyon Review magazines.Linda Trufe ’14, creator of the Ke-

on Sartorialist blog, has attemptedphotograph Sweeny, but has beenable to produce a clear image withr digital camera. “I saw her glidingightlessly across Philo the othery wearing a long, gorgeous oralnt dress, white gloves, and pearls,”

ufe said. “When I asked her if Iuld take a picture for my blog, sheked me what in the good heavens aumblr’ was.” Photos taken of Swee-depict only a large, oating orb,

th no sight of the snappy dresserher whimsical clothes. “I guess mymera got rained on or something,”ufe said.Sweeny’s sense of style has sparkedlew of vintage trends on campus. “Inted to tell her how much I adorer vintage cardigan, but by the timeurned around, she was gone. It wase she vanished into thin air!” ex-

imed Marian Bartleby ’12. Fedo-, beehive hairdos, and knee-lengthl skirts are visible everywhere, andst students credit their style choic-to Sweeny. “She’s got such a funk,” continued Bartleby. “She to-

ly has that Betty Draper from Mad

n vibe.” Unbeknownst to the stu-

dent body, Sweeny has actually beendead for fty-seven years.

In 1954, Sweeny, then a junior atOberlin College, was visiting herlong-time beau, Harvey Westick ’55,at Kenyon when a tumble down thepoorly designed Ascension steps senther to an early grave. “It was just anol’ case of the butterngers,” Sweenychirped. “Harvey Warvey was soupset, he couldn’t play squash for awhole two weeks!” Since the acci-

dent, Sweeny’s spirit wanders fromthe library to Ascension in search of her sweetheart. When asked how theevent has inuenced her style, Swee-ny responded, “I make sure my saddleshoes are tied extra tight. I can be soclumsy.”

By Ellen Justin-Pentin

Knock knock! Mind if I squeeze inhere for a sec? Man, the library is so

crowded today! Just trying to nd aquiet place to do my poli sci readingand no one will shut up and leave mealone. People can be so obnoxiousat this school. Did you see that girlover there at the computers with afucking book on her lap? She wasn’teven using the computer. She can

just sit there and read a book whileI begrudgedly walk downstairs tothe computer dungeon where it’s al-ways 50 degrees. And that kid overthere? No, not the ginger with thebeanie, the other kid. Yeah, the onewith meningitis, apparently. Get your

freaky scarlet fever out of the libraryand leave me to my reading.

You don’t mind if I snag a sip of this Red Bull, right? Thanks. I swearsome of these kids don’t understandwhat it’s like to have work. Luck-ily, I got another extension on myReimagining Meta-Narratives in the

Gilded Age midterm, but I’sooo screwed. Which is whyawful to sit down at a table aten to a bunch of girls talk abo“crazy weekend” drinking fortwatching that Beyonce musicin Leonard. Maybe I should wallstu. That would probably point across. I can’t possiblyonly one who thinks they’re ious. Yeah, I know, that Beyoneo is really good. Whatever. over for a sec.

Little bit of a tight squeeze eh? I can’t wait to get a carrelown so I won’t have to makesmall talk with everyone arouwhen I’m trying to just focus my work. What is that gingeie kid doing? Slurping awaywater fountain! Don’t mind not like this is a library or anwhere people are trying to focnot deplete the campus of waa week. Sorry, I don’t mean totally OCD, but can you try toso loud when you turn that pag

just a little irritating. I’m rea

ing to do some work and I canany more distractions. First I ndraft this allstu, though. Do yoit could start an allstu war? I’vactually done that before. Oncish drafting this and have a cigI’ll be totally ready to work.

Sweeney, moments before her untimely death.

I can’t wait to get a carmy own so I won’t hamake boring small talkeveryone around me.

udacious Freshman Enters Peirce Servery After Closing TimeRicardo Carrigano

IRCE SERVERY — Sources indi-e that on Sunday, Adlai Rumpkis

5 slipped in to the Peirce serveryer it had closed.Rumpkis reportedly forgot to grab

banana before sitting down to eatmeal. However, when he realizedfolly, dinner had ended. Rumpkis,

ly aware of the dangerous and un-hodox nature of his actions, dartedth careful grace into the left set of ors, slipping between a couple of suspecting dish ladies. Onlookers

said he walked with “condence andcool” to the fruit baskets, picked up

“not just one, but two bananas,” andcasually strolled back, undaunted, tohis seat in Upper Dempsey.

“His balls were probably swollenwith chingado sensibility from the

amount of testosterone it takes to dowhat he did,” provided Peirce atrium

couch troll Wilfred Jasper ’12. Con-tinued Jasper, “I’ve seen plenty of the

7:59 p.m. Dinner Club people franti-cally shufe in as if the meal they getmight be their last. But this guy justwalked right in — swaggered in ismore like it — well past 8 o’clock.What a bold kid.”

When asked to comment about hisaudacious move, Rumpkis had this tosay: “I was hankering for a banana,and, yeah, I knew that dinner wasover. But I thought to myself, ‘Youknow what? Fuck it. I’m going for it.’And I did.”

AVI employees don’t evenseeing Rumpkis, so poised w

banana grab. However, one wKat Clarinet, lamented the aftefruit seizure, and challenged kis to “try it again and see whpens.” She added under her “Punk bitch.”

Rumpkis’s next daring plclude patronizing the booksto11:00 p.m., the market after miand staying in the library untilter 2:00 a.m. He also hopes tohis ight home for Thankbreak one minute before takeo

“This guy just walked rightin — swaggered in is morelike it — well past 8 o’clock.What a bold kid.”



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Founder/Editor Emeritus . . .

Francis Albert Victor Nicholaslegiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE,

Boat Thorpe

AMBIER — Kenyon students wereocked to learn this week that, de-te their preconceived notions abouther education, college is in fact just

e goddamn day after another. Whileny were under the impression thatlege was a time of self-discovery

d intellectual growth, students and

ulty have conclusively proven thatis actually four years of uselesssywork.Many students said they looked for-rd to college because of the oppor-ities for socializing, but that oncey arrived, the social scene becamenotonous. “I thought there wouldmore parties,” said Brandon Plether

‘14. “Well, not more parties, just bet-ter ones. Instead it’s just the same shit,week in, week out.” Plether, a sopho-more sociology major from Vermont,says he looks forward to going homefor Thanksgiving break because “atleast it’s something different.”

For other students, the constantdrudgery of schoolwork is most dis-heartening. “I used to be so excited

about English,” recalled junior cre-ative writing concentrator EvelynBentley. “I used to love reading anddiscussing literature. I even wanted tobe a professor. Now I go to class andit’s like, ‘Seriously? Another book?’”Bentley admitted that she has not donethe reading for any of her classes in al-most three weeks, citing the fact that

“it’s just the same shit over and overagain.”

“I was gonna do all this cool stuff,”said senior Charles Wergen. “I thoughtI would be, like, trying peyote andhaving a naked chick read Howl to me.I guess I always had a lot of work, so Inever had time.” When asked how hewould characterize his experiences atKenyon, Wergen said, “I don’t know.

Nothing really happened. Just work,work, work, get drunk, friend drama,work.”

Freshman Katie Sangerley, despitebeing new to Kenyon, has already no-ticed the repetitive, tedious nature of college life. “It just doesn’t end,” shesaid. “You go to class, you do all yourwork, and you think you’re done, but

you’re not. You wake up to goddamn day.” Sangerley saidalready considering study abrotions, “just so I can see a lighend of the tunnel.”

For many in the Kenyon cnity, though, there is no end iProfessor of Sociology Peter Hhas been teaching at Kenyonyears, and he conrmed that fo

who stay in academia, it nevbetter. “It’s been this way sincan undergrad: one day sucks, tnext, and then the one after thlege is just a big pile of shit tonever gets any smaller.”

ollege Just One Goddamn Day After Another

Jeffrey Cashpore

udents who attended the Kenyonview’s Guest Lecture series re-rted being less impressed with theture itself than they were with Si-n Schama’s steaming shawarmacken that was served after the pre-

ntation. Schama was greeted withhusiasm by the community, but his

dress reportedly paled in compari-n to the chicken he handed out af-his lecture. Schama’s chicken was

scribed as “delicate” or “ornate”d received a standing ovation thatted several minutes as the line toShawarma station stretched out of

auditorium.Attendees reported that, unlike hiseech, which was halting and unfo-sed, the chicken delivered a roller-

coaster ride for the palate. Guests

gushed that upon sampling the dish aplethora of avors and smells greetedthe senses, but with subtle undertonesof restraint and conviction that werecompletely absent from Schama’slecture.

Many audience members were re-portedly stunned by the culinary com-plexity of the chicken dish. “I neverthought I would be able to eat threefull plates of chicken and rice within15 minutes,” commented KendrickHuxley ‘13, “but now I know I can.”

When pressed for comment on thelecture, Huxley failed to rememberany of its content.

Sources say that many facultymembers were in attendance at thelecture, including an initially inter-ested English department. Through-

out the address a few were reportedly

seen nodding off, their heads drop-ping over their notepads. After thespeech, however, Professor of His-tory Jack Marzin was reportedly seenlling a tupperware full of the delec-table dish, shaking his head in delightas he caught a waft of the stunning yetfamiliar chicken smell.

Schama didn’t mention the chick-en until late in his address, long afterhe had lost the audience’s interest.Upon hearing the dish described, hehad prepared for the post-speech re-ception, many in the crowd reportedperking up. Schama heaped out platesto the eager speech goers, many of

whom complimented him on the out-standing crispness and the remark-able avors and spices of his lecture.

imon Schama’s Chicken Shawarma More Popular Than LectureKyle Walloughpough ’15 seemfused, asking, “What ‘strategy

do my work in the time allotuse my free hours to socializfriends and be creative. It’s rethat hard.”

Others, including that preyou see in the servery, posit“being naturally very talentgood looking might have somedo with it.”

Another study to conrm weveryone has it easier than forthcoming.

“Shit” from page 1.

This popular historian is neither ornate nor delicate.

Documents

Kenyon Collegiate Issue 4.6