Here are some of the stories wewere just too lazy to write ...

STANLEY CUP ETCHERGOING WITH “BIG BUFF”

RATHER THAN RISK TYPO

WAVELAND BALLHAWKSEXCITED ABOUT

HOWRY’S RETURN

RYAN THERIOTTAKES A PITCH

CUBS ANNOUNCEMILTON BRADLEY

APPRECIATION DAY(First 10,000 fans getsack full of batteries)

RANDOM DUDE’S ABILITYTO PHOTOSHOP LEBRON INA BULLS JERSEY CONFIRMS

HIS INTEREST IN TEAM

FIND BREAKING NEWSAT THEHECKLER.COM

‘Unbelievable Chicago sports coverage’www.theheckler.com

JUNE 2010Vol. 8, Issue 6

FREE

Winner of Crosstown Cup to be awarded5th place in AL West PAGE 6

Duncan Keith gets gold Grillz to replace missing teeth PAGE 5

LeBron quits basketball forDouble-A baseball PAGE 10

BP OIL SPILL FINALLYSTOPPED BY ANTTI NIEMI

After a slew of failed BP attempts to stem the oil spillin the Gulf of Mexico, the flow was finally cut off whenPresident Obama called in Blackhawks star goalie AnttiNiemi for the government-led “Blocker Save” measure.

“We’re pleased to announce that a full-scale naturaldisaster was averted just before the hurricane season hit,”Obama announced. “Our entire nation has Mr. Niemi tothank. As well as Duncan Keith and Brent Seabrook,who flopped to their bellies to stop a few million gallonsbefore they could get to Antti.”

BP CEO Tony Hayward initially resisted the BlockerSave proposal.

“Yeah, the guy’s good, but look who he has playing infront of him,” said Hayward. “And the regular season’sone thing. The guy has no experience with offshore oiland, really, it’s a whole different game.”

When first thrown into the coastal waters, Niemiseemed just as surprised as anyone else by the responsi-bility entrusted to him. But within the first five minutesof duty, he slapped 10 million barrels back into the wellwith his stick and gloved another 14 million.

A scare arose when the final six million gallons surgedat him from his blindside. At that point, he stood on hishead, juggled seven flaming chain saws and caught theremainder in his mouth, spitting those back into the welljust before BP employees resealed it.

When asked for comment, Blackhawks backup goalieCristobal Huet simply wept. -- John Biederman

The Cubs and Sox are each anxious to winthe Crosstown Cup trophy this year, and forreasons that go beyond mere bragging

rights. Both teams desperately need somechampionship hardware to show off.

The Cubs, of course, have nothing at all,as the team last won the World Series in1908. Back then, there was no trophy. Allmembers of championship teams got was apouch of chewing tobacco, a $5 gift certifi-

cate to Woolworth’s Department Store anddouble-overtime wages at the coal minesduring the offseason.

The Sox won the World Series in 2005,but the team’s trophy was pawned the verynext year by A.J. Pierzynski. It currentlyresides at an unspecified pawnshop “some-

where between Roosevelt and 47th,”according to the catcher.

“I needed some money to spend on crapsat the riverboat in Elgin,” Pierzynskiexplained. “I got $347.58 for that thing. Twowords: Worth it.”

-- By Brian Summerfield

Cubs and Sox still have plenty of available space in trophy casesSox have World Series trophyon display at pawn shop

HECKLERHEADLINES

What to look for this month in the sports world

ON DECKC o a c h Q a n dC o a c h D i t k af o r g e e p i cs i x - h o u rm u s t a c h ew r e s t l i n gm a t c h .Q u e n n e v i l l ee m e r g e sv i c t o r i o u s i ns h o o t - o u t .

June 19: Famous Chicagocoaches’ mustache battle

Charlie Hustle has never been a big fan of betting on hockey.

Cincinnati doesn’t have a team and Pete doesn’t want to pay

extra for Versus—I have a rule that you don’t bet on games

you can’t see for yourself. This goes back to the ’70s when

Johnny Bench thought it would be hilarious to bring in a fake

newspaper with bogus scores. But the Blackhawks fever

forced my hand this spring and I had to make a few bets here

and there. But now that hockey season is gone for the next six

weeks we’ll focus on what Pete knows best. Let’s gamble!

June 28: Day that the Cubs win total will exceedthe saves total of Antti Niemi in Game 6 of theFinals.5: Number of different excuses Aramis Ramirezwill use for his problems at the plate in June.3: Number of extra base hits by Aramis Ramirezin June.19: Percent of Sox fans who have attended aWhite Sox home game this year.34: Percent of Sox fans who have attended aWhite Sox tailgate this year.46%: Decline in bachelorette party T-shirts inthe bleachers that read “Mrs. Theriot” in 2010.39: Times Hawk Harrelson will reference JuanPierre’s hustle in an average broadcast.2: Number of appearances 43-year-old OmarVizquel made at DH prior to this year. (You can’treally use this to make a bet but it should tell youthat your team needs to pick up some offense.)

6/11Sox/Cubs fans

drop the glovesand start f ightingbefore theNational Anthem.

6/15D a v i d

S t e r n i s s u e st a m p e r i n gf i n e o f $ 1 0 0f o r e a c hB u l l s f a n w h od r e a m s o fL e B r o nJ a m e s i n aC h i c a g o u n i -f o r m n e x ts e a s o n .

6/11Area women

celebrate HawksFinals win byexposing theirStanley Cups.

6/22Gatorade

sel ls morethan 6 mil-l ion units of hot newflavor: UltraGrape HGH.

6/12Team USA, led

by coach MikeKrzyzewski andlate addit ionplayers LeBronJames and KobeBryant, defeatsEngland 4-0 inFIFA World Cupshocker.

6/25Mike Fontenot

accessorizes hisWolverine look withclaws just in time toshred GordonBeckham in half,breaking up doubleplay in 6-5 Cubs win.

6/28Gordon

Beckhamdemoted tolocal 16-in.softbal l league,where he st i l lstruggles to hit.200.

HAWKS NEWS4 | JUNE 2010

In an unprecedentedmove, the Blackhawksannounced they’d let seasonticket holders whoseaccounts predate the team’srenaissance each spend sev-eral hours with the recentlywon Stanley Cup.

“You’ve been with usthrough thick and thin,”owner Rocky Wirtz wrote inan email sent Thursdaymorning to long-time seasonticket holders. “We haven’tmade it easy for you to befans and this is our way ofsaying ‘thank you.’”

Wirtz went on to referenceways the team’s long-timefan base may have becomealienated.

“First my block-headfather stopped showinggames on TV,” wrote Wirtz.

“Then we get good andeveryone and their brotherstarts coming to our games.”

“While we appreciatethese bandwagon fans, weunderstand how they mightrub you the wrong way,”wrote Wirtz. “Getting blinddrunk, not knowing the rulesor player names, standing upin the middle of play, etc.”

“Hell, they kind of annoyme too, and I’m the onecashing their checks.”

Wirtz told the team’s2,000 or so long-time seasonticket holders he would per-sonally bring the Cup totheir homes.

“It will give me a greatchance to spend quality timewith the fans I care aboutmost,” said Wirtz. “Plus, Ican collect your deposit onnext year’s season tickets ifyou haven’t already paid.And please don’t forget yourprices are going up 25 per-cent next year.”

--Brad Zibung

Wirtz emails heartfelt thank-you to long-time fans

Toews playoffbeard lands himleading role inCivil War movie

After honing his acting chops in severallocal commercials with teammate PatrickKane, Blackhawks center Jonathan Toewshas landed a role in a Civil War film, largelythanks to his muttonchops playoff beard.

Toews’s beard, which features rich, bushysideburns all the way down to his chin, withlittle to no facial hair around his mouth, willsave the Olympic gold medalist hours ofmakeup preparation time, since his beardalready looks like it belongs in a Civil Warreenactment.

Toews seemed excited, though characteris-tically understated, about his appearance inthe film “Brothers of Men.”

“Well yeah, it should be pretty exciting,”he said. “People are always making fun ofmy beard because the face part didn’t growin, but now I’m able to be in a movie becauseof it.”

Assuming he keeps his playoff beard,Toews is also in talks to star as a youngteenage version of the Marvel superhero,Wolverine.

-- Jeff GoodSmith

Blackhawks to let each seasonticket holder from prior to2008 to spend time with Cup

HAWKS NEWSTM

JUNE 2010 | 5

Duncan Keith shows off GrillzAfter losing seven teeth due to

an errant puck in the playoffs,Blackhawks defenseman DuncanKeith is smiling pretty—with amouthful of gold.

Keith purchased several pairsof fake, jeweled teeth calledGrillz after spitting out morethan half a dozen of his realchoppers in a postseason winagainst the San Jose Sharks.

“Do I look like Nelly now?”

Keith asked, showing off hisgleaming mouth.

The new golden grill is one offour pairs Keith says he wears.The others are composed of plat-inum, silver and even diamonds,he said.

The defender decided to getseveral pairs of Grillz ratherthan new pearly whites becausehe was “bored.”

“I’ve already had white

replacements,” said Keith. “Ilike watching the fans’ reactionswhen I smile at them now. I’mCanadian; I needed a little bit ofbling in my life.”

Keith says he’s going to con-tinue to wear the fake mouth-pieces both on and off the ice,and that he plans to immersehimself in the Canadian gangstarap scene during the offseason.

-- Mike Pettit

Cubs unimpressedwith Blackhawks title drought

The Cubs have played with aswagger this year coincidingwith the Blackhawks’ StanleyCup Finals run. The swaggerand arrogance is linked to theCubs’ attitude toward multiplereports that the Blackhawks lastplayed in a Stanley Cup 18 yearsago and last won the StanleyCup 49 years ago prior to win-ning it all this season.

“Whoa, 18 and 49,” AramisRamirez said after fanningrecently with fewer than twoouts and runners in scoring posi-tion. “Please don’t hurt me,Blackhawks.”

Lou Piniella fully supportedhis much maligned third base-man.

“Aramis is a student of thegame and knows theBlackhawks’ drought ain’t noth-ing but a thing,” Piniella said.

He added, “Look, 65 and 102

beats 18 and 49 any day of theweek,” comparing the Cubschampionship drought figures tothose of the Hawks.

Cubs GM Jim Hendry is skep-tical of the Blackhawks allegeddrought and points to Hawkspresident John McDonough forpromoting the drought.“McDonough could sell seashells on the sea shore,” Hendrysaid of his former colleaguewho served as the Cubs market-ing director.

“I’m surprised John hasn’tcome up with a ‘Shoot the puckat your dad’ gimmick yet,”Hendry added. “Even if theBlackhawks lose to the Flyers toreach 50 years, that would stillbe less than half our owndrought. The first 50 years arenothing. It’s the second 50 that’sthe killer.”

-- Rob C. Christiansen

CROSSTOWN CLASSICTM

6 | JUNE 2010

SOX BRONZE JOEY CORAFOR CROSSTOWN CUP

Winner of Crosstown Cup to beawarded 5th place in AL West

Adding yet another chapter totheir exciting crosstown serieslegacy, the winner of theCrosstown Cup between theCubs and White Sox will beawarded fifth place in theAmerican League West. Shouldthe Cubs take home the covetedcup, fifth place in the AL Westcould be an improvement overtheir likely sixth place finish inthe National League Central.

“We realized we set the bartoo high at the beginning of theseason,” said Cubs centerfielder

Marlon Byrd. “We were thinkingdivision championship andWorld Series, but that wasbefore we ran into the buzz-sawknown as the Pittsburgh Pirates.Taking home fifth place in theAL West would sure showthem!”

The AL West, historicallyknown for tight division racesbetween a cluster of perenniallosers, would benefit from alarge-market Chicago team inthe division, albeit anotherperennial loser.

“AL West teams usually finishwith poor records and a dissatis-fied fan base,” said MLBCommissioner Bud Selig. “Fanswill be encouraged knowingtheir team finished higher than alarge-market Chicago team withinfinite resources.”

Fans of AL West clubs weredisappointed to learn their teamswould not be playing additionalgames against the Cubs or WhiteSox, losing sure chances to padwin totals.

-- Jimmy Juliano

Trophy finally stirs fan interest in Cubs-Sox rivalryEven though the Cubs and

White Sox have faced each otherin regular season play six times ayear since 1999, baseball fans inthe Chicagoland area have beenapathetic toward the matchups. Allof that changed dramatically withthe announcement that BP OilCompany will donate a trophy tothe winner of the series this year.

“BP is awarding a trophy to thewinner?” asked bewildered Cubsfan Mark Jenkins. “Woo hoo! GoCubs! Beat the Sox!”

Emotions on the South sidewere just as fiery.

“The gas station where I fill upmy Camaro better not give theirtrophy to the Cubs,” said Sox fanJerry Tourniquetski.

Jerry’s cousin Sal Maguffinagreed. “We’ve never been north ofthe Art Institute, but we’ll get toWrigley Field with our broads andmake sure the Sox beat those damnCubbies and claim the trophy.”

Paul Brower, a lifelong Cubsfan, said that the name of the tro-

phy is meant to inspire feelings ofrivalry never felt before betweenCubs and Sox fans.

“The word ‘cross’ in CrosstownCup subconsciously provokeseveryone’s competitive nature,which up to now was dormant inthe years when Cubs and Sox fansstayed home and caught up ontheir sleep or watched cookingshows on television while thegames were being played,”Brower said.

-- Rob C. Christiansen

CROSSTOWN CLASSICTM

JUNE 2010 | 7

‘Drinking With the Sox’ realityshow scores big on WCIU TV

The White Sox have rarelyfound success in recent months,nearly sinking out of playoffcontention by late May.However, the organization hasgone back to its roots and foundthe way to best cater to itsfans—with rampant violence,drinking and with no regard foranyone’s safety.

WCIU’s smash TV show“Drinking With The Sox” hasbeen a favorite among Sox fans.

After every loss, the Sox stum-ble into a bar and proceed todrink each other under the table.

“Oh man, last Thursday’sepisode was epic,” says Sox fanJay Russert. “I thought Paulywould have blacked out beforehe tried to fight that brick wall.I’ve never been so happy to bewrong.”

The show has provided analternative outlet for Sox playerswho may not last long in profes-

sional baseball.“This is great! I’m finally

starting to do well,” says strug-gling second baseman GordonBeckham. “I’m only batting .196but I blew .201 on that cop’sbreathalyzer.”

Other Sox players could not bereached for comment becausethey were all running late totheir court dates.

-- Marvin Venis Benjamin

ey dere Sox fans, it’syour ol’ pal Joe again.Can ya believe it’s dattime-a year again? I’m

on my way up to Rickety Field,just in time for da big CrosstownClassic between our beloved Soxan’ dose [expletive deleted] Cubs.

But, you know, ol’ Joe’s beenthinkin’. Maybe us Sox and Cubsfans ain’t all dat different afterall. Maybe it’s time we put asideall-a our differences and over-look the fact that Cubs fans are abuncha [expletive deleted][expletive deleted]s. I mean,maybe one day we can all actual-ly be friends!

Or maybe Joe’s been smokin’ alittle too much outta dis new 6-foot bong I got (I call it Da BigHurt). Go figure.

Anyway, in an effort to makeamends wit’ dose Nort’ Siders,here’s what I’m gonna do to bejust a bit nicer during da games:-- When I go to punch a Cubsfan during a bleacher fight, I’llmake sure to take off my replicaWorld Series ring – you know, soit doesn’t make a mark onthey’re pretty-boy face.-- After I take a piss on a build-

ing by Wrigley, I’ll make sure towash my hands. Ol’ Joe doesn’twant to be spreadin’ any germsup in Faggyville. Dey gotenough to worry about, if youknow what I’m sayin’.-- When I’m singin’ “Don’t StopBelievin’” at the top of my lungsin da bleachers, I’ll grab a coupladose pretty boy fans and see ifdey wanna do some tree-part har-mony or somethin’. I hear doseguys like singin’ and dancin’ andcrap.-- I won’t even run on da fieldand attack any of da Cubs basecoaches. Dey got those helmetsnow, plus I hear dey can shootyou wit’ wunna dose Taze guns.Don’t Taze Joe, bro!-- When I go to spit a loogie on aCubs fan from da upper deck, I’llmake sure only to aim for guyswit’ hats on. Hey, it’s da least Ican do.

HCan’t we all get along?

By JoeMalonecki

SOUTH SIDEREPORT

Cubs and Sox ask for Stanley Cup to use for Crosstown Cup as well

Following the Blackhawks'Stanley Cup championship winWednesday night, the Cubs andSox have asked the Hawks ifthey can borrow the Stanley Cupfor use in lieu of the malignedand pointless BP Crosstown Cupwhen they battle the White Soxat Wrigley this weekend.

“It would be nice to win the

Stanley Cup,” Cubs PresidentCrane Kenney said. “No base-ball team has done that.”

Cubs owner Tom Ricketts, abaseball purist and a lifelongCubs fan, doesn’t feel the sameway as Kenney or other frontoffice personnel but like most ofthe team’s maneuvers, he has lit-tle influence in this matter.

“I didn’t want Howry back,”Ricketts said. “I wanted Colvinin the starting lineup since April.I’ll just continue to take out myfrustration on the rooftop ownersas I’ve been doing. Maybe I cantell Fontenot to shave his side-burns or Soriano to wear his uni-form pants like everyone else.”

-- Rob C. Christiansen

CUBS NEWSTM

8 | JUNE 2010

CUBS TRADE FOR RALLYMONKEY TO PITCH IN 8TH

Managing the Cubs is no easy task. Nearly three and a halfyears into the job, 66-year-old Lou Piniella barely hasenough energy to shave, as evidenced by a five-day growthof gray stubble regularly seen on his face. After a recenttumultuous homestand, Piniella went an entire week withouthitting the razor and awoke in the middle of the night to amost unusual sight—a full beard of flowing green leaves.

“I thought I had turned into the Moss Man,” saidPiniella. “It was sort of freaky I have to say, kind of likeseeing my old manager Billy Martin in the shower. Thatguy was really hairy.”

A thorough exam by team trainer Mark O’Neal revealedthat the facial hair was not moss but the famous ivy thatgrows from the vines at Wrigley Field. Piniella was a bitperplexed by the situation.

“Look, it’s a little scratchy with all this ivy on my face,”he said. “But I guess we’ll chalk it up to one of those Cubbyoccurrences and leave it at that. I actually kind of like it.”

-- Jeremy Barewin

Piniella’s beardstarts growing ivy

With little worthwhile baseball to analyzeduring a lopsided Cubs loss, broadcastersLen Kasper and Bob Brenly spent threeinnings lambasting an adult fan who broughta glove into the game. The 40-year-old pre-sumed virgin hijacked four baseballs fromchildren before sheepishly handing themover after the crowd repeatedly chanted“douchebag.”

“Anyone over the age of 12 who brings aglove to a baseball game should be throwninto a volcano,” said Brenly on the telecast.“If he is trying to recapture his childhoodmemories, I will gladly steal his lunchmoney and dunk his head into a toilet.”

“Wow, that guy really gets my goat,”quipped Kasper. “He just makes me so darnangry!”

The fan—Miles Jennings of Naperville —saw nothing wrong with his behavior.

“I would rather be mocked for wearing aglove than have a foul ball careen off of mystone hands,” said Jennings. “Those whofail to prepare by not bringing a glove to thegame prepare for failure. And I should knowsomething about failure: I just got fired frommy job for the third time.”

Kasper and Brenly hope Jennings’ plightwill discourage other adults from bringinggloves to games, but are not sure publicmockery will necessarily do the trick.

“People like Jennings have zero self-awareness,” said Brenly. “On-air ridiculewon’t stop these twits, but making fun ofthem sure is great sport.”

-- Jimmy Juliano

Len and Bob spend 3 innings critiquing 40-year-old fan with glove

With his batting average continuing to languish at apathetic .160, Aramis Ramirez—who earlier in the sea-son anointed himself his own hitting coach—finallyfired himself during a recent road trip in Pittsburgh.Like Ramirez running out a ground ball, it took severaldays for him to finally get up the courage to informhimself of the news.

“Estas despedido!” a despondent Ramirez was heardrepeatedly screaming at himself in Spanish, while glar-ing into a mirror in the Cubs’ clubhouse. “Estas despe-dido!”

The fired Ramirez was consoled by team hittingcoach Rudy Jaramillo, who offered up his battinggenius to help the struggling slugger, only to berebuffed quickly.

“He kept asking for Little Rami,” said Jaramillo.“I’m not sure who that is, but he was talking a lot ofgibberish about a rooster getting 9-to-5 odds.”

-- Jeremy Barewin

Ramirez fires selfas hitting coach

A clubhouse practical joke wentawry at Wrigley Field when pitch-er Ryan Dempster found himselftrapped knee-deep in the trough inthe men’s room.

Members of the ballpark’s main-tenance crew discovered Dempsterin the metallic urinal after hearingscreaming coming from inside thebathroom, according to Cubs offi-cials.

The pitcher’s shoes somehowbecame suctioned to the inside ofthe trough during what was meantto be a “harmless joke.”

“Ryan was located inside thebathroom, and was safely removedfrom harm’s way,” they said. “He

was soaked with urine, but it’snothing a load of laundry and ashower can’t fix.”

Dempster, who is widely knownas the team prankster, claims hewas setting up a “booby trap” fornewbie Starlin Castro when he

noticed he was stuck inside thetrough.

“Starlin’s the new guy, and he’sgot to get it, just like everyoneelse,” said Dempster. “He gotlucky this time around. I wasP.O.’d—literally.”

Dempster would not disclose thedetails of his prank, citing theopportunity to “rework it, perfect itand try it again.”

Despite having to dispose of hisshoes and pants and being the buttof jokes from fellow players,Dempster stayed positive.

“I’m just happy it didn’t happenin a stall.”

-- Mike Pettit

CUBS NEWSTM

JUNE 2010 | 9

Cubs superfan Ronnie “Woo-WWoo” Wickers found his usual lime-light way back in 1961 when Bobby Hull posed with the StanleyCup. E-mmail your Woo-WWoo pics to photos@theheckler.com or postthem to the Woo-WWoo gallery at theheckler.com.

Dempster gets stuck in Wrigley trough

Alfonso Soriano, alreadynotorious for his poor defenseand tendency to swing at lowand outside breaking pitches,reached a new pinnacle bybecoming the first player inMajor League history to turn aninside-the-park home run into amere single.

While most watched inamazement, baseball historianDave Watson struggled to placethe feat in historical context.

“I’ve seen many lazy, selfish

and bizarre plays in my day, butthis one takes the cake,” statedWatson. “If they could issueerrors for base running, thiswould be a no-brainer.”

Soriano hit a long fly ball hethought for sure would leavethe park. It eluded both the leftand centerfielders as they col-lided—knocking them bothunconscious. By the time therightfielder ran across the fieldto retrieve the ball, Sorianohad only gingerly jogged into

first.Manager Lou Piniella pas-

sively addressed the play, asonly Lou can.

“Well look, what can I say?It’s not a record you want onyour resume,” Piniella admitted.“At this point, the only thing wecan do is move him to thebullpen.”

The move would set anotherMajor League record for most$19 million set-up men.

-- Brian Berns

Soriano turns inside-the-park homer into single

1961 Stanley Cup Finals

LEBRON WATCH10 | JUNE 2010

In a surprising move, free agentbasketball star LeBron Jamesrecently retired from the sportbecause he wants to play baseballinstead.

“Trying to play basketball likeMichael Jordan has proved to beimpossible, even for me,” Jamessaid after his Cavaliers lost in theplayoffs to the Celtics, leaving himstuck on zero NBA titles to Jordan’s

six. “Maybe I can play baseball likeJordan.”

James will report to the AkronAeros, the Cleveland IndiansDouble-A affiliate. In 1994, Jordanquit the Bulls to play right field forthe Birmingham Barons, the WhiteSox Double-A affiliate.

“This is a smart move byLeBron,” Cavs owner Dan Gilbertadmits. “He stays in Cleveland to

keep our fan base happy, and hedoesn’t have to play for the Cavs.”

Aeros skipper Joel Skinner isunsure how James will impact hisballclub, however.

“We don’t have a nucleus of guyslike Derrick Rose, Luol Deng andJoakim Noah around him,” Skinnersaid. “King James might not beenough for us to catch Altoona.”

-- Rob C. Christiansen

LeBron quits basketball to playfor Indians’ Double-A team

Looking to even the playingfield and avoid any possible col-lusion scenarios, the NBA willofficially award LeBron Jamesto the team that finds a magicticket in a candy bar.Commissioner David Stern per-sonally placed a golden ticketinside of a Willy Wonka choco-late bar and wished good luck tofans in all NBA cities.

“Whatever city finds the gold-en ticket will travel on a whim-sical journey with LeBronJames for the next five years,”said Stern. “The lucky team will

win numerous championships,fork over $96 million, andreplace team decision makerswith an entourage of James’choosing.”

Riots simultaneously brokeout in Chicago, New York,Miami and Los Angeles as fansclamored for the elusive goldenticket. A poor boy, CharlieBucket from New York, claimedto have discovered the prize butrealized his golden ticket wasfor a different promotion.

“All I won was a factory tourand a lifetime supply of choco-

late,” said Bucket. “I got rippedoff.”

Miami Heat fan AugustusGloop attempted to sneak into

the Wonka factory to gaininsight into the whereabouts ofthe golden ticket. He fell into achocolate river and was suckedup a large pipe.

“We have not seen our son forsix days,” said Gloop’s father.“The Heat must procure theservices of LeBron James. Heand Dwyane Wade would be achampionship combination. Ourson’s death will not have been invain. Go Heat!”

-- Jimmy Juliano

LeBron sweepstakes to be decided by Willy Wonka Golden Ticket

LEBRON WATCHTM

JUNE 2010 | 11

BULLS UP RECRUITING EFFORTS BYUNVEILING STATUE OF LEBRON JAMES

DUNKING OVER JORDAN STATUE

In response to Joakim Noah’s recentbashing of the city of Cleveland, Cavsstar LeBron James, who is rumored tobe considering a move to Chicago, gra-ciously praised the Windy City’s restau-rants and cultural institutions.

According to Chicago mayor RichardM. Daley, there’s one thing James leftoff of his list of things he loves aboutChicago.

“I have it on good authority thatLeBron loves corrupt, entrenched politi-cal machines,” Daley said. “And ifthat’s the case, then really, where elsewould he go?”

Observers have countered thatLeBron can find rampant corruption inCleveland, where the sheriff ofCuyahoga County is under investiga-tion for forcing his employees to buytickets for his fundraisers and stealingmoney from his own campaign funds,or nearby Detroit, where former mayorKwame Kilpatrick is in hot water forhaving an affair with one of his topaides.

Daley, however, was not impressedwith those arguments.

“Pbbbt … you call those scandals?”he said. “C’mon, LeBron. Come toChicago and play with the big boys. Ipromise you that half of my administra-tion will have federal indictments by thetime you win your first championship.”

-- Brian Summerfield

‘LeBron loves corruptpolitics,’ claims Daley

The NBA free agent signing period is lessthan one month away and Chicagoans aredeep in LeBron James fever. While thisfever is not an official clinical ailment ordisease, people citywide have acted in espe-cially ridiculous ways since the rumor millaligned Chicago and James together.

While conspiracy theories have beenthrown around rampantly, one Chicagosports blogger has stepped outside conven-tional crackpot theorizing and has guaran-teed that James will be a Bull next seasonbased on one theory.

“Lebron was seen eating a (hot) dog with

mustard and no ketchup,” said the rarelyread blogger. “Take this into account alongwith him house shopping in Highland Park,changing his number from 23, and beingseen holding hands with Mayor Daley, andthere’s no way he’s staying in Cleveland.”

The blogger/conspiracy theorist then

went to the streets to display many piecharts, graphs, scraps of James’ trash, anddozens of pictures James photoshopped intoa Bulls jersey. No passersby stopped to givehim any attention, but a few people gavehim some loose change.

-- Marvin Venis Benjamin

Blogger sure LeBron’s coming here after James spotted eating hot dog with no ketchup

Chicago mayor can’t waitto get superstar involvedwith campaign fundraising

CUBS NEWS TM12 | JUNE 2010

If you’re looking for ananswer to who keeps pencilingMike Fontenot’s name in as thebackup third baseman on the

Cubs’ depth chart, get in linebehind manager Lou Piniella.

“I just can’t figure this darnthing out,” stuttered an increas-ingly confused Piniella. “I fillout the lineup, post it in thedugout, and when I come backout after my pregame nap, his

name is always inserted at thirdbase.”

Although Piniella doesn’tknow who the culprit is, he doeshave an idea of who it is not.Aramis Ramirez has been both-ered by an injured thumb and isunable to write. After three

years in the United States,Kosuke Fukudome still can’twrite in English, a convenientexcuse he frequently uses toward off autograph seekers. Andhe’s certain it’s not Fontenot,since he posts the lineup highenough on the wall to remain

out of his reach.“I talked to Jim Hendry about

bringing in a handwriting ana-lyst to figure this out,” saidPiniella. “But until that happens,I figure I’ll just leave him in thelineup.”

-- Michael Kloempken

Piniella: Who keeps putting Fontenot’s name as backup at third?

Some people around the Cubs are wor-ried that Alfonso Soriano might be a badinfluence on rookie Starlin Castro, but itturns out their concern could be misdirect-ed. That’s because the team’s unofficialmascot, Ronnie “Woo-Woo” Wickers, hastaken Castro under his wing.

Along with wearing dresses and carry-ing veterans’ luggage on road trips, hang-ing out with Woo-Woo is the worst hazingritual that Cubs veterans can force upon arookie. Rookies are usually tricked intothis embarrassing situation by being set upon a blind date, only to find Ronnie Woo-Woo waiting for them at Sluggers.

Unfortunately, the move backfired thistime, as Castro took an immediate liking toWoo-Woo.

“His yelping sounds just like the matingcall for the Palmchat, the national bird ofmy country,” said the enamored shortstop.“It reminds me of home and has helped meadjust to life in a new country.”

Now this odd couple can be seen atSluggers after every home game, buyingshots for fans, yelping uncontrollably, andgiving each other endless high-fives.

“Jim Hendry is furious with me,” saidRyan Dempster, who is responsible forCastro’s new best friend. “He said that if Idon’t fix this soon, Zambrano won’t be theonly starter sent to the bullpen.”

-- Michael Kloempken

Ronnie Woo-Woo takesStarlin Castro under his wing

Cubs skipper playshim there anyway

After an unexpected lightning strikeand power outage to the clubhouse,Aramis Ramirez and leftfielder AlfonsoSoriano switched bodies. Ramirez, pos-sessed by Soriano’s aged soul in hisyounger body, suddenly began swingingunsuccessfully at every pitch, as well asbecoming easily distracted by fans andmissing routine fly balls.

Soriano, with Ramirez in his body,suddenly has become quicker and lesseasily distracted by left field bleacherfans wearing tank tops or holdingbabies.

“It’s amazing what a little blackmagic in a freak lightning storm can

do,” said manager Lou Piniella. “Iremember those turbulent mid-lifeyears in my career. Back in ‘79, I wouldgo to sleep at night with my lucky bat-ting gloves on and just wish I couldswitch bodies with Reggie Jackson.”

In a prepared statement, Ramirez,with Soriano trapped in his body, deniesthat anything unusual transpired. “Noway that we switched bodies. I’mAramis, and the fans love me.”

Soriano, with Ramirez trapped in hisbody, had a different perspective on thesituation.

“That dude better give me my well-toned body back. He’s driving my car,signing autographs, and hugging kidspretending to be me,” said Soriano.“Everyone knows I don’t do that stuff.”

-- Marci Van Gilder

Ramirez, Soriano switch bodies

Rookie enamored withunofficial mascot’s loudyelps, visits to Sluggers

‘That low, outside curveball is really a bitch,’ saysstruggling Ramirez

NFL NEWSTM

JUNE 2010 | 13

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell car-ries a lot of clout. His position now holdseven more influence as a recent discoveryrevealed him to be third in the line ofPresidential succession.

Goodell apparently leapfrogged theSpeaker of the House in the chain of

power and former MLBPA ExecutiveDirector Donald Fehr following his resig-nation last year.

“God forbid something unfortunate hap-pens to Barack or Joe, I would be happy tofill in,” stated Goodell. “Although it issort of a step down given that I already

play the role of judge, jury and execution-er.”

Goodell also balked at the Presidentialannual salary since he currently earns 25times more than President Obama.However, he was intrigued by some of theother perks of the job.

“The one thing I don’t have now isaccess to nukes,” Goodell admitted. “Ifguys like Rothlisberger have troublecleaning up their acts now, you can betthat will change once I get my hands onthose!”

-- Brian Berns

NFL commish now 3rd-most powerful job in America

Bears middle linebacker Brian Urlachermade headlines recently after getting into aheated war of words with former Bears greatGale Sayers. The argument began whenSayers criticized the team saying they“haven’t done a very good job.”

Urlacher, who missed most of last seasondue to injury, apparently took the statementpersonally, and decided to personally attackSayers in his rebuttal, reminding one of thefranchise’s all-time greatest players of thefact that he had never won the Super Bowlwith the Bears.

“Look, I can’t say anything about WalterPayton, because that guy was a winner,”added Urlacher. “I can’t say anything about

Ditka, or Singletary. But Gale Sayers?C’mon. The guy couldn’t win a Pop-Warnerchampionship. And that Piccolo guy was atotal wuss, too.”

Urlacher finished his rant by ripping sev-eral more former Bears, including Sayers’fellow Hall of Famer, Dick Butkus, whoalso never won a championship. Sayers hadlittle to say in response to Urlacher’s com-ments.

“Somebody needs to remind that honky thatall he’s ever done is bang Paris Hilton, fosterseveral illegitimate children, and lose toPeyton Manning in the Super Bowl,” quippedSayers. “I’ll start taking the guy seriouslywhen I see him in Canton ... if that ever hap-pens.”

-- Drew Adams

Urlacher picks on more old Bearswho never won championshipsConveniently forgets that hehasn’t won a title either

While Bears fans expect off-seasonsurprises lately, few could have fore-seen Halas Hall’s appointment ofBrian Urlacher as team spokespersonthis week.

“Brian’s mindful of the fact that hisplaying days won’t last forever,” saidBears general manager Jerry Angeloas a visibly anxious Urlacher stoodbehind him. “Since he’d like to ideal-ly remain with the Bears … Ouch!Watch it, Brian … Anyway, let’s haveour new spokesperson tell you aboutit.”

“The Bears are proud to announcethat Brian Urlacher—that’s me!—isnow also team spokesman,” Urlachersaid. “Er, spokesperson. Anyway, theteam would also like to announce, inan official capacity, that Mike Ditka,Gale Sayers and all those guys don’tknow what’s going on with the Bearstoday. Great players, legends, all that

stuff, but their opinions now don’tmean squat.”

After answering most media ques-tions with a quieting, unchallengedglower, Channel 2’s HowardSudberry eeked one out while squat-ting behind a chair. “Do you foreseeany problems with handling thespokesperson role in addition to youron-field duties?” Johnson asked.

“Why don’t you come up here andask that one?” Urlacher said. “But …Well, no. This is a piece of cake. Backin Sid Luckman’s day, players wouldplay both offense and defense, sowe’re more versatile than you give uscredit. And speaking of Sid Luckman,he doesn’t know anything abouttoday’s Bears, either … What’s that?Oh, yeah, of course he’s dead. Buthe’s still overrated.”

-- John Biederman

Urlacher named team spokesman

STUFF WE MADE UP TM14 | JUNE 2010

Future sponsors ofthe Crosstown Classic

2011 - BP2012 - Dean Martin Celebrity Roast DVD col-lection (call 800-218-2180 now, supplieslimited!)2013 - The “Barrett punches A.J.” T-shirt col-lection2014 - The Heckler2015 - The People’s Republic of China, ourfuture overlords

Crosstown Cup all-ttime leadersHit batters - 5 (4 with pitches, other with fistof fury), Kyle Farnsworth (Cubs)Worst ERA - 10.23, Bob Howry (Both Teams)Agitation percentage - .988, A.J. Pierzynski(Sox)Balks - 4, Mark Buehrle (Sox)Consecutive games leading off with a homerun - 3, Alfonso Soriano (Cubs)

Worst Dressed percentage1 - Craig Sager, TNT .9882 - Don Cherry, CBC .9343 - Dwyane Wade, MIA .9004 - Joakim Noah, CHI .8345 - All those NHL teams inSouthern/Western cities .820

Stanley Cup fun factsthrough the years

1954 - Cup spends entire summer in RedWing Gordie Howe’s small intestine after hemistakenly “Drinks the Cup”, not “Drinksfrom the Cup”

1961 - Blackhawks’ Stan Mikita first todrink Cup full of Jack Daniel’s

1975 - Flyers’ Dave “The Hammer” Schultzbludgeons Philly area Santa Claus’ with Cup

1996 - Engraver mistakenly lists Avalanchegoalie Patrick Roy as “Sissy Boy Susan” onCup

2009 - Penguins’ Sidney Crosby first playerunable to lift Cup over head without assis-tance

Lowest Scoring Teams/May 20101 - Houston Astros, NL 0.4 runs/game2 - Portsmouth FC, English Premier League

0.7 goals/game3 - Chicago White Sox, AL 1.3 runs/game4 - Chicago Cubs, NL 1.4 runs/game5 - Cleveland Indians, AL 1.5 runs/game

HECKLER STAT PACK

olks, it’s been a hell of a yearfor the Blackhawks and, nowthat they’ve won the Stanley

Cup, you can’t have many reasons tocomplain about your Chicago hockeyteam. But if there’s one thingScreamin’ Johnny Blaze is good at,it’s finding that one thing to bepissed off about. Well actually, ifthere’s one thing I’m good at, it’severything! But we’ll just focus onthe one thing here.

I, of course, loved watching theHawks all year and especially in theplayoffs. But what really bastes myturkey is how many other so-calledfans derived enjoyment out of thisteam after not caring a bit abouthockey before this year. I just can’tstand all this bandwagon jumpingwhen I’ve been a loyal Blackhawksfan going all the way back to thebeginning of last year.

What a bunch of phonies theseguys are, hording in on the excite-ment that should be reserved for realfans like me. They know absolutelynothing about hockey, like howthere’s two blue lines and somethingcalled offsides. I don’t know whatoffsides is, but I do at least know it’snot a penalty like in football.

As for knowing about the teamitself, sure, everyone’s heard of Kaneand Toews, but I’ll bet these guyscan’t name any of the less popularguys on the Hawks, like MarianHossa and that Swedish guy with theweird last name. And forget aboutthem coming up with a singleBlackhawks legend from the past,like Marty Havlat and NikolaiKhabibulin. They think they’reknowledgeable, cause they can nameboth goalies on this year’s team, butwhat about The Bulin Wall?

As I write this, the Blackhawks areup in the Stanley Cup Finals. I’mloving every minute of it, but I alsocan’t wait for it to be over so I won’thave to deal with all the posers thathave jumped on the bandwagon. Andthe best news is that I won’t have todeal with them next year either. Oncethe Bulls sign LeBron, we can all goback to caring about basketball again.

GGeett ooffff mmyy bbaannddwwaaggoonn

By Screamin’Johnny Blaze,

HecklerSports TalkRadio Host

THIS I SCREAMF

THE REAL DEALTM

JUNE 2010 | 15

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ABOUT THE HECKLER

1114 W. Belmont, Ste 7, Chicago, IL 60657

can relate to Tom Ricketts because Iused to wear my hair like he does. Soobviously I understand his job as Cubs

owner. And he probably sends text messagesto Mark Cuban during Cubs games that say,“ha ha i own the cubs and you dont lol,”because that’s what I would do.

Everyone scoffs at Tom Ricketts forincreasing Cubs ticket prices by 10 percent.I would have done the same thing. MarkCuban always raises Mavericks ticketprices, which is acceptable because not oneCubs fan has ever attended a Mavericksgame.

It isn’t Tom Ricketts’ fault that the Cubsfarm system has produced only one or twosuccessful infielders in 30 years. There’sMark Grace, of course, and, arguably,Shawon Dunston. Theriot’s status is pend-

ing, Castro is brand new and Ryne Sandbergdoesn’t count since he was acquired in atrade with the Phillies.

The Cubs have been lucky this seasonsince everyone has been following theBlackhawks’ Stanley Cup finals run and notpaying them much attention. Their luck con-tinues into July because the LeBron Jamessweepstakes will distract the city until he

makes his decision. Incidentally, the FieldMuseum should please refer to Sue the T.Rex as “LeBrontosaurus.” That will per-suade King James to sign with the Bulls.

Some of the Cubs are Blackhawks fans.You can tell when the Cubs attended Hawksplayoff games because those were the gamesthe Hawks lost. I wonder if the Cubs areimpressed with the fact that the Blackhawkshaven’t played in a Stanley Cup since 1992and haven’t won the Stanley Cup in 49years.

Maybe none of this impresses the Cubs. Tom Ricketts can’t trade untouchable

Cubs, play Colvin every day, waive Howry,and put Nady at first base or Ramirez on theDL. But he can do the little things. He canrequire that his players dress uniformly. Thismeans that Fukudome can’t wear red shoes,

Soriano can’t wear high socks andFontenot’s facial hair can’t make him looklike a lone wolf. I have nothing against redshoes, high socks or wolves. Every Cub canwear red shoes and high socks and look likea wolf. That would be uniform.

If Tom Ricketts had Fontenot’s side-burns, he would look like a wolf raised byhuman drug store barbers. You needscruffy hair or a mullet to pull off a wolf. Ihave nothing against scruffy hair or mul-lets. If every Cub had a mullet, that wouldbe uniform. The Hawks are allowed toapply personal touches since they averageat least four titles per 100 years. So I’mnot insinuating anything about PatrickKane’s mullet or Duncan Keith’s mouth. Ijust don’t think that the Cubs should betoothless, that’s all.

Rob C.Christiansen

rob@the-heckler.com

THE LIFE AND TIMES OF

LOCO ROB

CCuubbss nneeeedd ttoo ttaakkee aa uunniiffoorrmm aapppprrooaacchh ttoo ggaammeeI