COLD OPEN

TITLE: 11:30 A.M.

TITLE: On a Saturday

TITLE: Philadelphia, PA

INT. PADDY’S PUB - DAY

Charlie and Mac are sitting at the bar flipping through a Sharper Image catalog. Dee is cleaning glasses.

CHARLIEI need these!

MACWhy do you need 500x zoom binoculars?

CHARLIEI could see all the way to Pittsburgh with these things.

MACThat’s not right.

CHARLIEYou don’t know that for sure.

DEEYou two are morons.

MACHow much are they?

CHARLIE$450.

MACThat’s bullshit.

Mac grabs the catalog and flips through the pages.

MAC (CONT’D)We can’t afford one thing in this entire catalog.

CHARLIEWe’re poor dude.

MACWhy do you even have this?

CHARLIEI stole it from the doctor’s office.

DEEWhy were you at the doctor?

CHARLIEThat’s where I get all my magazines.

Dennis walks in.

MACWe need money Dennis. We’ve hit rock bottom.

DENNISWell don’t look at me, I’m not giving you shit.

MACWhat about Frank?

DENNISFrank already lives with you, I think that’s enough.

CHARLIEI’m a good roommate! Some of the guys under the bridge are definitely worse than me.

DENNISThat’s your problem. Your competition is a bunch of guys hanging out underneath a bridge.

Frank barges in.

FRANKI need money! Oh, shit. I need some money! Empty your wallets.

DENNISYou too? You’re all pathetic.

2.

FRANKI got hammered and huffed too much with some of the guys and we went to the track. I made too many bets and I’m down a couple thousand.

MACWhy would you go to the track? You know shit about horse racing.

FRANKDogs.

MACDogs?

FRANKDog racing. I would’ve lost more, but one of the dogs died and they had to stop the races.

MACCharlie, why don’t we make some riot punch and hit the track? We can win some money for this shit we need.

Mac pulls out some colored liquids.

CHARLIEThat’s a great idea!

DEEThose poor, mistreated dogs. And all you guys want to do is profit off them, well I’m going to put an end to it.

DENNISDee, stop trying to interject your stupid morality crap into everything we do. Secondly, you two are morons. You know nothing about winning.

MACI’m a born winner!

DENNISYou’ve never won anything! I guarantee I could go to the track and win triple as much as you shit-brains.

3.

FRANKI’m done with that stuff. I need to find some legitimate money. What about you Deandra?

DEEI’m not helping you out, and you should be ashamed of...

MAC(interrupting)

That’s enough Dee. Are we doing this?

DENNISYou shits are going down.

MAC:Dogs! Dogs! Dogs!

CHARLIE:

Dennis joins in.

DENNIS (CONT’D)Dogs! Dogs! Dogs!

CUT TO:

MAIN TITLES

Title: “It’s Always Sunny in Philiadelphia”

Title: “A Day at the Races”

4.

ACT I

INT. TRACK - NEXT DAY

Charlie and Mac are scouting the track.

CHARLIEThere’s a lot of shady people here.

MACThis is a dog racing track, not exactly the classiest of places.

CHARLIEThese are our people.

MAC(offended)

Don’t say that! We’re trying not to be these people.

CHARLIEWe are these people, but we’re trying to not be them, by being them?

Mac is confused.

MACEnough with the head games. We’re on a mission.

A drunk stumbles past.

MAC (CONT’D)I know shit about dog racing dude. Let’s watch a few races.

CHARLIEI’ll meet you at the seats, I’m going to grab some food.

MACGet me a pretzel.

CHARLIEI’m not getting you a pretzel.

MACWhy? I want a pretzel.

5.

CHARLIEThen you’ll be thirsty and steal my drink!

MACThat’s bullshit. I’ll scrape the salt off.

CHARLIEI’m not getting you a pretzel! You’re getting a hotdog.

He walks away. Mac heads to the seats and sits near some sketchy PEOPLE.

MACSomeone sitting here?

SHADY MANDoes it look like someone’s sitting there?

MACJust trying to be courteous. Show some class that you people clearly know nothing about.

The gun sounds, startling Mac.

MAC (CONT’D)Holy shit those dogs are fast.

He observes all the people cheering and yelling at the dogs.

MAC (CONT’D)This isn’t fun. This is cruel.

Charlie returns with the food. He is eating a hot dog.

CHARLIEI’m not sure if the dogs are used in these, but they’re delicious.

Mac stares at him while Charlie takes another bite.

MACDude this place isn’t fun. These dogs are being treated like crap.

The crowd starts cheering.

CHARLIEHoly shit, is Chief winning?

6.

MACWhat?

CHARLIEI put ten bucks on him.

MACWhere’d you get ten dollars? And the dogs do not have names.

CHARLIEFrank gives me like 50 bucks every month.

MACWhat is he your dad?

CHARLIENo. Well sometimes we go to the movies together and buy one adult ticket and one child, but that’s to save money.

MACSounds like he’s your dad.

CHARLIEHe’s not my dad! He just takes care of me.

Mac looks at him and grabs the betting stub.

MACThe odds say six to one.

CHARLIESix dollars, alright! We’re on our way.

MACNot six you idiot, sixty.

CHARLIEI won sixty bucks!

Charlie pulls the catalog from earlier out of his back pocket.

MACWhy do you have that with you?

7.

CHARLIEI’ve been game planning what I’m going to buy when we win all that money.

MACLet’s win first.

CHARLIEWe already did, and now I can get that massager for the waitress.

MACNo gift on this planet will make the waitress like you.

CHARLIEDon’t say that!

MACIt’s true!

CHARLIEYou think she’s going to say no when I give her all this stuff?

MACYes. Now let’s go place more bets.

They rush off.

EXT. SHOPPING MALL - LATER

Dee is holding a clipboard trying to recruit volunteers and raise money to protest dog racing and abuse.

A man walks by.

DEEHey you! You want to donate money to a great cause?

MANWhat’s the cause?

DEEWhy does it matter?

MANBecause I want to know who I’m giving my money to?

8.

DEEWhy is one cause better than another?

MANLook lady, it’s my money, I can do what I want with it.

DEESo you don’t want to donate it to a good cause?

MANI don’t even know what the cause is!

Frank approaches. He’s eating pork rinds.

FRANKWhat’s going on here Deandra?

DEEWhat are you doing here Frank? Are you going to give me money or not?

MANNo.

He walks away.

DEEFine. Suit yourself you selfish bastard.

FRANKThe guys told me you were here.

DEESince when do you give a shit about charity?

FRANKI want to help. What are we raising money for?

DEEWe? What’s your angle here Frank?

FRANKNo angle. It’s getting to the point in my life where I need to do stuff for other people.

9.

DEEYou are getting old.

Frank shrugs and eats some more pork rinds

DEE (CONT’D)I’m raising money to save those dog’s lives.

FRANKDogs? Who gives a shit about animals?

DEEMost people.

FRANKThat’s great. You want some?

He offers some pork rinds.

DEEThat’s disgusting.

FRANKSo how much money you raking in?

She examines her box.

DEESo far, twelve dollars.

FRANKWhat’s your take?

DEEThere is no take. It’s charity.

FRANKWell it seems like you’re doing a shitty job. What’s twelve dollars going to do?

DEEIt’s a start.

FRANKYou need to take this big time. You’re at the poor people mall.

A MALL PATRON overhears and looks at Frank.

10.

FRANK (CONT’D)If you’re going to stare, give some money.

MALL SHOPPERPiss off.

Dee looks around.

DEEMaybe this isn’t the best place.

FRANKLet me help you. We’ll raise ten times as much as the guys make at the track.

DEEI would like to shove that in their faces.

FRANKI’ve got a plan. Let’s go.

DEEMy guts telling me no, but my desire to crush them is telling me yes.

They look at each other.

FRANK: DEE:Crush them!

INT. BOOK STORE - SAME DAY

Dennis is reading a book about dog racing. He notices a pretty employee, OLIVIA. He begins awkwardly flexing while reading his book.

DENNISExcuse me miss.

OLIVIAYes, can I help you?

DENNISI need that book up there, but I can’t reach it.

OLIVIAOh, sure. Let me get the ladder.

11.

DENNISThat would be delightful.

She brings the ladder over and climbs up. Dennis admires her ass.

She hands him the book.

OLIVIADog racing?

DENNISI find the sport exhilarating. Did you know it used to be a sport reserved only for nobles and wealthy people.

OLIVIAI did not. Isn’t it cruel?

DENNISNo. The dogs are beautiful and pristine.

OLIVIAWhat breed are they?

DENNISBreed?

He avoids the question.

DENNIS (CONT’D)My name’s Dennis. What’s yours?

OLIVIAOlivia. You know a lot about dog racing.

DENNISI consider myself a Renaissance man. I know a lot about a lot. You should join my friends and I tomorrow at the track.

OLIVIAI’ve never been before.

DENNISTrust me, it’ll be fun. Plus my friends are having a little wager, so you can watch me beat them.

12.

OLIVIAWhat’s the wager?

DENNISOh, they want to prove they’re winners to me. But they’re idiots.

She laughs.

DENNIS (CONT’D)It’s fun. It’s social. We can get some drinks, watch some dogs, win some cash.

OLIVIAAlright, that sounds fun. Pick me up tomorrow? Here’s my number.

She hands him a piece of paper. Dennis is elated.

DENNISI’ll see you tomorrow.

FADE OUT.

13.

ACT TWO

INT. PADDY’S PUB - LATER

Frank and Dee are discussing their plans.

FRANKIf you want to raise the big bucks, you’re going to have to attract the big bucks.

DEEThat makes sense.

FRANKNow what do rich people love more than anything?

DEEMoney?

FRANKI was thinking whores, but I like yours better.

DEEThis is charity Frank, so any plans you have involving hookers, drugs, or any of your bridge friends, needs to go.

FRANKWell, then we need a new plan.

DEEFrank! You said you’d help. I don’t know why I ever thought that would work.

Mac and Charlie enter the bar all rowdy from their day at the track.

CHARLIEAnd then Billy just bolted past the rest of them, and first we were like, oh shit, there goes Walter’s chance, but right before our eyes, we saw him become a champion.

MACEnough with the names. I don’t want to think of the dogs as people.

14.

FRANKWhat’s going on guys?

MACDog racing! That’s what. Frank you opened our eyes to a whole new world of fun and disgusting people.

CHARLIEWe cleaned up at the track.

FRANKHow much did you win?

He pulls out a wad of cash and slams it on the bar.

CHARLIELike 900 bucks.

FRANKHoly shit.

MACCharlie may not have a lot going for him, but he has a connection with these dogs. He can just tell who’s going to win.

CHARLIEThe dogs are my people! Let’s drink!

He starts opening some beer.

FRANKShit Charlie. We need to go back to the track.

DEEWhat about me Frank?

FRANKYour thing is crap. I need money now. I’m done with stealing. I want to earn my money legitimately.

DEEStealing?

15.

FRANKWe were gonna get some rich people, get them hammered, the whores come and take their pants off, and then we take their wallets while they’re banging.

DEEHow long did it take you to come up with that?

FRANKIt’s something I’ve wanted to do for a while.

DEEI’m not alone in thinking that that is the worst plan ever right?

MACI don’t know, I mean their pants are off and they’re going to be busy, it seems pretty full-proof.

CHARLIEThe only downside is if they’re not carrying their wallets with them.

MACWho doesn’t carry their wallet with them?

CHARLIEI don’t.

MACWell you have nothing to put in it!

He picks up the cash.

CHARLIENow I do!

DEEWhat am I supposed to do now Frank?

FRANKI don’t give a shit.

Dennis walks in.

DENNISHey-o!

16.

CHARLIEDennis in the house!

Charlie tosses him a beer.

CHARLIE: (CONT’D) MAC:Dennis! Dennis! Dennis!

DENNISNow this is the love and admiration a golden god deserves. What are you guys so happy about?

CHARLIECheck this out.

He slams the stack of money on the bar again.

DENNISWhere’d you steal that from?

CHARLIE From the track.

MACWe didn’t steal it. Charlie has a sixth sense. He has a connection with those dogs.

CHARLIEThe dogs are my people!

DENNISSo you’ve moved from bridge people to dogs? That might be an upgrade.

FRANKWe’re going to the track tomorrow. Time to win back some money.

DENNISTomorrow’s going to be great. I’ll beat you lowlifes in front of this hot chick I met at the bookstore.

MACSince when do you go to bookstores?

DENNISUnlike you guys, I know how to read.

CHARLIEWhen do you ever read?

17.

DENNISThere’s a lot you guys don’t know about me. I’m an endless onion, filled with layers.

FRANKYou’re full of shit, and you’re not going to beat the dog whisperer.

DEESo, I’m doing this by myself now?

DENNISWhy are you surprised? When do we ever give a shit about charity or anything you’re doing?

DEEI don’t know. Maybe once you guys could step outside the little worlds you guys live in.

DENNISWe’re obviously not going to do that. In fact, I never want to leave there.

DEEWhat do you think about a kissing booth to raise money?

MACWell it obviously depends on who’s doing the kissing.

DEEI’m doing the kissing.

MACWhy would you do that?

DEEBecause people would pay to kiss this face.

MACNo one would pay to kiss that face.

DEEHow much you want to bet?

DENNISDee! No one is going to pay to kiss you.

18.

(MORE)

Mac’s already involved in one wager. Now go run along and stop annoying us.

DEEI’ll show you pigs!

She leaves the bar.

FRANKWhy don’t we up the stakes a little?

DENNISWho’s side are you even on Frank? You’re all over the place. First, you’re with the bridge people, then that whole Dee crap, now you’re back to the dogs.

FRANKWhat do you mean? I’m with Charlie.

He puts his arm around Charlie and pulls him close.

FRANK (CONT’D)Charlie’s my boy. We’re roommates. Plus he’s the one who can talk to dogs.

CHARLIEYou smell like a farm.

DENNISSo it’s you three against me? This seems like a joke.

MACWhat’s are we betting?

DENNISIf you guys win, I’ll live in your shithole for a month, and you guys can live in my place.

MACI already live with you.

DENNISWell you’re living with them for the time being.

19.

DENNIS (CONT'D)

CHARLIEWhat! I don’t want to live with Mac! You’re always dancing and doing all this weird shit.

MACDancing? Those are advanced Karate routines I’ve been honing for years.

He demonstrates one of his routines.

CHARLIEYou know shit about Karate!

MACYou live with Frank! He butters his bread and cuts his toes with the same god damn knife.

DENNISGirls. Girls. Are we doing this or not?

CHARLIEGive us a second.

They huddle to the side.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)What do you guys think?

FRANKWe’re going to beat that cocky piece of shit.

CHARLIEAre we actually gaining anything from this arrangement? I mean, we have it pretty good.

Frank ponders in agreement.

MACYou guys are morons. Him living in your place alone is worth it. There’s no way he’s going to bang anyone if he’s bringing them back to that place.

FRANKWe bang plenty of girls.

20.

MACWhen was the last time you banged a girl?

FRANKArtemis comes over sometimes.

CHARLIEReally? Really Frank? You said you guys were rehearsing for a play.

FRANKI was lying. We were screwing each other.

Dennis coughs.

DENNISIt’s yes or no. Hurry up.

CHARLIELet’s do this.

MACWe’re in!

DENNISExcellent. We’ll have a day at the races.

FADE OUT.

21.

ACT THREE

FADE IN:

EXT. TRACK - DAY

Dee is sitting at the kissing booth. The sign reads “Kisses: $5”

Two GUYS walk past.

GUY #1Five dollars? Who does she think she is?

GUY #2 I wouldn’t kiss her if she paid me five dollars.

Dee is embarrassed.

DEEKisses! Only five dollars! Kisses for a cause!

People pass by ignoring her.

DEE (CONT’D)Oh, come on! None of you guys have even been laid I bet.

A mother pulls her child away in disgust.

DEE (CONT’D)What? Why don’t you let him make his own decisions. Hey kid! Five dollars and you get a big ole kiss.

The mother increases her pace.

DEE (CONT’D)I’ll do three dollars for him.

Frank, Charlie, and Mac walk up to the track. They run into Dee.

MACYou actually went through with this?

DEEYes I did. Someone has to take a stand.

22.

Charlie picks up the money box.

DENNISIt looks like people are taking a stand against you.

Dee grabs it back.

DEEJust wait, I’ll have more money than all you bastards.

FRANKWhy don’t you stop this crap and come with us?

DEEI’d rather sleep with one of the dogs.

MACSuit yourself. Let’s go do some scouting boys.

They head off.

INT. DOG TRACK - LATER

Mac, Dennis, and Frank are sneaking around the track looking for the dogs.

FRANKThere they are. Charlie I need you to find some winners.

CHARLIEI won’t let you down.

He climbs a fence and approaches the dogs.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)Don’t be scared, uncle Charlie’s here.

He puts his hand on one of the dogs and begins talking to it.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)You look like you’ve had a rough life. Roscoe is it? You divorced? Do dogs get divorced? I bet that was rough for you.

23.

(MORE)

Turn to drugs, rebel against your parents, started racing around with your friends, up to no good. I’ve been there, I know what you’re going through.

MACIs he having a conversation with that dog?

FRANKIf he needs to bang that dog to find out, so be it.

MACWhat is wrong with you?

FRANKHe doesn’t have to wine and dine it, just in and out.

MACNo, I don’t. Charlie let’s go before they toss us out.

They scurry off.

INT. TRACK - LATER

The guys run into Dennis and Olivia.

DENNISLook who it is. Ready to lose?

MACDon’t worry about us Dennis, we’ve got Charlie.

DENNISI’d like you to meet Olivia.

OLIVIAHello.

CHARLIEGood luck banging him at our place.

OLIVIAWhat?

DENNISNevermind him. Let’s place our bets.

24.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)

They head to the furthest betting booths away from each other.

CHARLIEI’ll put $50 on Roscoe in the first, $100 on Paco in the third, and another $50 on King Charles in the third.

BETTING AGENTThe dogs don’t have names mister.

CHARLIEYou sure? Because last time the guy just gave me some tickets after I said some names.

BETTING AGENTYes, I’m sure.

Charlie’s flustered. He looks around.

MACWhat’s the hold up Charlie?

CHARLIEThe dogs don’t have names. I’m all thrown off.

MACWho gives a shit.

CHARLIEThat’s how I know who’s going to win!

MACWhere the hell did you find the dogs’ names?

CHARLIEI don’t know, maybe I made them up.

MACSo you’re telling me, you based your picks on the dog’s names when they don’t freaking have names?

CHARLIEDon’t worry dude, I got this.

25.

FRANKCharlie, I need to pay back the bridge people or else they’re going to kick me out!

CHARLIENo one’s kicking you out Frank.

Dennis approaches from his booth holding a bunch of tickets.

DENNISTake a look at the winning tickets boys. I hope you guys don’t mind jarring each other with your dicks while you sleep in the same twin bed.

He looks at Olivia all macho.

MAC(passionate)

You’re the one who’s going to have dicks jarring into them!

They pause and think about what he said.

CHARLIEDude, you really need to think before you speak.

MACI’m working on it. I’m fired up! I’ve got a lot of riot punch flowing through me.

FRANKSave it for the races.

DENNISLet’s go.

They head to their seats.

EXT. TRACK

Dee is slumped over her kissing booth.

DEE(mumbled)

Free kisses. Free kisses.

Cricket approaches.

26.

CRICKETFree kisses?

Dee jolts up.

DEENo. I said fifty kisses.

He slams fifty dollars on the table.

CRICKETThat’s two months worth of sperm donations.

DEEThat’s gross. Anyone who gets your sperm should be immediately shipped out of the country.

CRICKETWhere’s my kiss?

DEEI’m not kissing you. I’d rather kiss Charlie.

CRICKETSo you’re turning down money for charity?

DEEScrew charity. I’m going to watch the dogs.

She shoves past him.

INT. TRACK - LATER

Mac, Charlie, and Frank are slumped in their seats. Dennis is glowing, while Olivia holds him.

DENNISYou losers couldn’t even pick one winner. That’s what happens when you rely on Charlie.

FRANKI’m down even more money. Can we go back to the bar? I need to get blasted and bang something.

27.

MACEnough with you banging chicks. Artemis is not allowed over while I’m staying.

DENNISWe’ve got one race left.

Olivia is drunk and all over Dennis.

OLIVIACan we go home Dennis?

DENNISOne more race, and then you check out my recently roommate vacated apartment.

CHARLIEGuys we’re still in this!

MACShut up Charlie. What happened to your dog whispering?

CHARLIEThese dogs don’t have names dude. I need the dogs with names.

MAC(angered)

None of the dogs have names!

CHARLIEWhat kind of dog doesn’t have a name? All dogs have names.

DENNISYou guys are freaking morons. I can’t wait to see you three sleeping in that shit hole.

The starting gun goes off.

MACWho do we have in this one?

FRANKWho gives a shit. Maybe one of those dogs will eat another one. That I’d pay to see.

28.

CHARLIEWe’ve got Raphael. I feel good about this one.

MACWhat number Charlie?

CHARLIESeven.

MACDude, he’s winning. How much did we put on this one?

CHARLIE$500.

MACWhat?

CHARLIEI miscalculated our bets, so when the last race came around I had all this money left.

MACWhy didn’t you just keep it?

CHARLIEWell...

He starts to speak, but stops to think about it.

FRANKCharlie! You’re a moron, but we can beat Dennis now.

DENNISThat dog isn’t winning. Look at that thing. He’s got no stamina. I bet he’s never even been laid.

MACWe could’ve bought those binoculars!

CHARLIELook, he’s winning. Go! Go!

FRANKGo! Run you bastard!

CHARLIERun! Run!

29.

Charlie’s dog is slightly ahead of Dennis’ dog.

DENNISRun faster you piece of shit! You’re losing to a bunch of lowlifes.

CHARLIEWe won!

They start dancing.

MACIn your face bitch!

FRANKI can pay back the bridge guys!

CHARLIEThe waitress is mine!

The P.A. Announcer starts speaking. They are still dancing.

DENNISShut up guys! Shut up! I can’t hear what he’s saying.

They quiet down.

P.A. ANNOUNCERInfraction. Dog number seven interfered with another racer. The race winner is dog number five.

Dee, who is in the section over, starts jumping up and screaming. She approaches the guys gloating.

MACWhat are you doing here?

DEEThe kissing booth blew away, so I decided to try my luck. I just won $1,000 bitches!

MACWhat!

FRANKThat’s horse shit. That dog didn’t do anything.

30.

DEEDoesn’t seem that way. Looks like me and Dennis are going to do a little shopping.

DENNISI will not be shopping or going anywhere with you Dee. In fact, I’m leaving now with Olivia and we’re going to bang on this large stack of money I’m about to claim. Looks like you guys will be having a nice little sleep-over.

Mac, Charlie, and Frank questionably look at each other.

CUT TO:

INT. FRANK AND CHARLIE’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

The three guys are cramped in the small bed. Frank is belly up.

MACGet that out of my back! How hard is it for you to not touch me?

CHARLIEDude, I’m trying. You think I want to touch your gross body. I’m between you two fat asses.

Mac is eating in bed.

MACIt’s mass! Try and roll me out of bed. I’m like a boulder.

Charlie shoves him off the bed.

FADE OUT.

END OF SHOW

31.