? . ACTIONS : Briefly describe the situation and the actions you used to control your partner (statements, gestures, tone~f voice, physical contact, facial expressions) .

2 . INTENTS AND BELIEFS : What did you want to happen in this situation?

Nhat beliefs do you have that support your actions and intents?

3 . FEELINGS: What feelings were you having?

CONTROL LOGMen's Education Groups

Name

Date

4 . MINIMIZATION, DENIAL AND BLAME: In what ways did you minimize or deny your actions or blame her?

5 . EFFECTS : What was the impact of your action?

On you

On her

On others

6. PAST VIOLENCE: How did your past use of violence affect this situation?

?. NON-CONTROLLING BEHAVIORS : What could you have done differently?

_ VIOLENCE~

_Q~~ISw~

~-~'!l,9~

USING COERCIONAND THREATS

Making andlor carrying out threatsto do something to hurt her" threatening to leave her, to

commit suicide, to reporther to welfare " making

her drop charges " makingher do illegal things .

USINGECONOMICABUSE

'

Preventing her from getting

`or keeping a job " making herask for money " giving her anallowance " taking her money " notletting her know about or have accessto famiry income.

USING MALE PRIVILEGETrea~Dng her like a servant " malting all the bigdecisions " acting like the "master of ,the castle" " being the one todefine men's and women's roles.

USINGCHILDREN

Making her feel guilty"

about the children " usingthe children to relay messages" using visitation to harass her

" threatening to take thechildren away.

USINGINTIMIDATIONMaking her afraid by usinglooks, actions, gestures" smashing things " destroyingher property " abusingpets " displayingweapons .

POWERANe

CONTROL

USINGEMOTIONAL

ABUSE" Putting her down " making her 'feel bad about herself " calling her

names " making her think she's crary" playing mind games " humiliating her

" making her feel guilty.

USING ISOLATIONControlling what she does, who she sees

and talks to, what she reads, whereshe goes " limiting her outside

involvement " using jealousyto justify actions .MINIMIZING,

DENYINGAND BLAMING

`Making light of the abuseand not taking her concernsabout it seriously " saying theabuse didn't happen " shifting n;spon-sibrl'ity for abusive behavior " sayingshe caused it.

,

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V~o~pNC.NEGUT~IATIUN ANU

FAIRNESSSeeking mutually satisfying

resolutions to conflict" accepting change

" being willing tocompromise .

ECONOMICPARTNERSITIP

Making money decisionstogether " making sure bothpartners benefit from financialarrangements .

SHARED RESPONSIBILITYMutually agreeing on a lairdistribution of work " makingfamily decisions together.

RESPONSIBLEPARENTING

Sharing parental respon-sibilities " being a positive

non-violent role model for thechildren .

EQUALITY

NUNTITREATENINGBEHAVIORTalking and acting so that shefeels safe and comfortableexpressing herself and doingthings .

RESPECTlistening to her non-

judgrnentally " being emotion-ally alfirrrting and understanding

" valuing opinions .

HONESTY ANUACCOUNIABILIT YAccepting responsibility forsell " acknowledging past useof violence " admitting beingwrong " communicating openly andtruthfully.

' TRUST ANU SUPPORTSupporting frer goals in life " respecting

Irer right to her own feelings, friends,activities and opinions.

VIOLE~C'~

~-Z5

DOMESTIC ABUSE INTERVEHTIOtI CFiQ1E!'.T

206 Wnst r'ovnh Sh^ "'IDuluth, Minnesoh SSp^6

ztea2zvtyl

v~~ rnuN PLAN

CFIANGES I AM M/11(ING

Narne

SPECIFIC S PEPS

2.

Look at the whole picture .

CONFLICT RESOLUTION ANDNEGOTIATION

disagreement .1 .

Decide to re s olve conflict and

3.

Consider what the other personwants .

4.

Consider what the other personis feeling ar~ious about.

' 5.

Find

a

solution

where

bothpeople can win.

6.

Take a deep breath to stay calm.

~ AIm: Clear, dean communication

~r Clear - brief and to the point

~ Intention:An opener to prevent defensiveness

* Clean - unpolluted with blame,innuendos, shoulds, nevers and always

The Action When. . .

`I' Statements

Objective Description

My PreferredOutcome

And what I'dlike is that L . .

No Expectation

Copyright : m Thrt Conllkt fi~,dudon N~t`rork, p0 8oa 1076 CMATSW000 NSW 2057 AUSTRALIA (02) A19-CS00 . Mgr br, rproducr,d 11 thl~ notkr. r,pprt~r~.

CR-24

rwy Response

I feel . . . (emotion)orL .. (reaction)

I feel like . . .(desired action) No Blame

CONFL2CT RESOLUTION

Key Concepts

1 . Conflict is a difference of interests,understanding, values, style or opinion .

2 . Conflict is natural, neither positive nornegative, it just is .

3 . It's not whether you have conflict in yourlifa but what you do with conflict that makesthe difference . ~~�~ af ; .~)

4 . Conflict can be seen as an opportunity and aninvitation to change and grow .

5 . There are five major preferred styles ofdealing with conflict : competition,withdrawal, accommodation, compromise andcollaboration .

6 . A collaborative approach to conflictresolution allows a "win/win" solution whereall people involved in the conflict canaddress their needs .

7 . There are specific skills, attitudes,strategies which can be learnt and acquiredwhich will enable the positive resolution ofconflict .

1 . "Win/Win" Approach

2 . Creative response to conflict ; Discovery Mode

3 . Empathy and Understanding

4, Appropriate Assertiveness

5 . Centredness, Relaxation, Calming Response

6 . Feeling Skills = Acceptance and Expression

7 . Willingness to Resolve = Letting go,Forgiveness

8 . Problem-Solving Process

9 . Negotiation Skills

10 . Development of Creative Options

11 . Co-operative Power

12 . Third Farty Mediator

:001~~ 9n : 'lrn iu~fti ;'

1 .

Intake Session

30 - 60 minutes

a)

Obtain Background - Family - School Relationships .b)

Obtain description of his violence/anger . Abusive behaviour .

c)

Contract - Clearly spell out obligations in the programme .

AGENDA FOR WEEK ONE .DEFINING NON VIOLENCE & SETTING GOALS FOR CHANGE .

1) Check-in .2)

Define Non-Violence .

ANGER CONTROL

Get a sense of what the students rules are aboutthe use of violence ."An attempt to impose your will on another is anact of violence" . (written on board)

Ask whether they agree? - Adjust definition ifnecessary -a) When is violence justified .

When can we use our will on another?b) Is anyone here opposed to using force in

self-defence?c) When does it become retaliation/punishment .

d) Does anyone here believe you have the rightto physically retaliate/punish someone? When?

e) If someone calls you names, is it okay to hit them?f) If they spit at you

"g) If someone hurts you emotionally, is it okay to get

even? If we think "No" - why do we .h) When did you first observe someone use violence to

intimidate & control snother person .i) When did you first see someone use violence in re-

taliation? What was your reaction?j) What experiences influence your thinking about the

use of violence .3)

Explore the obstacles to non-violence in relationships .a) Actions/intents/beliefs/feelings/effects on self/

on victim, denial, blame non controlling behaviour .b) Use control log .

fAGENDA FOR WEEK ONE (Contd .)

4)

Set goals for change & identify steps (action plan) .5)

Hand out contol logs & action plans for Week 2 .6)

Summarize main pointsa) Ask each student to identify useful idea from

todays meeting .b) Ask one student to summarize main points .

AGENDA FOR WEEK TWO.

F

ANGER CONTROL

UNDERSTANDING THE USE OF VIOLENCE AS A TACTIC OF CONTROL .

1)

Check-in Group discussion last weeks action plan .2)

Log student experiences -a) Examine actions/intents ~ student gives

an example of using anger to control .What did they think would change/happenby their action .

b) Complete 3 - 6 on the log .

3)

Review one of the non controlling behaviours i .e .time-out/coo l downs - important .

AGENDA FOR WEEK THREE,ENDING THE USE OF VIOLENCE .

THE ASSAULT

1)

Check in - Discuss last weeks (action plan) .2)

Return logs to students handed in week beforeaddress issues - especially if theya re notputting in sufficient thought .

3)

Ask a volunteer to role-play their situation .4)

Teach specific skills as they arise in role-plays .5)

Ask another to volunteer to role play .6)

Hand out next weeks action plan .7)

Summarize main points - same as previous weeks .

NAME

CONCERNS,

NEEDS

NAME _

CONCERNS

NEEDS

OTHER

/ NAME ,

\ OTHER

CONCERNS

2 .

LOOK AT THE WHOLE PLCTURE

NFLICT RESOLUTION AND NEGOTIATION

1 .

DECIDE TO RESOLVE CONFLICT AND DISAGREEMENT

When conflict occurs and two people can't agree, its good to try andresolve the conflict so that both people get some of what they want.

Just for a minute try to see the whole picture, not just your own point ofview. Try to think about what it's like to be in their shoes.

3.

CONSIDER WHAT THE OTHER PERSON WANTS

Most people want:

»»»

4.

CONSIDER WHAT THE OTHER PERSON IS FEELING ANXIOUS ABOUT

Is he/she concerned about :

»

Try to find solutions and responses which will help the other person feelless anxious .

Attack the problem, not the person .

5.

FIND A SOLUTION WHERE BOTH PEOPLE CAN WIN

Think up as many solutions as you can so that you can suggest the onesthat are best in letting you both win more of what you want. The aim isto leave both of you feeling important and respected and to ensurethat you both agree to a solution that gives both of you a lot of whatyou want.

6. ~YOALM

to be spoken to courteously;to be treated as an important member of the group;to 'maintain face';to get at least some of what they are arguing for.

losing face and looking unimportant?the group's making a decision which will result in a poorquality product?

Take a deep breath to get calm before you speak. Disagreement justgets worse if people don't try to say calm.

CONFLICT, WIN-WIN, MEDIATION

Conflict arises because unique individuals have differinginterests, understandings, values, styles, etc .

Conflict is inevitable! Your choice is how to respond .

Seeing conflict as an opportunity for positive change .

Common styles for,dealiong with conflict : shark, teddy,tortoise, fox . Each styles has its benefits and costs .

WIN-WIN (collaboration) approach to conflict : findingsolutions where both people win, which meet both peoplesneeds .

"Hard on the problem, soft on the person" .

WIN-WINBenef its

Costsmeets your needs

skillsmeets others needs

timerelationship strengthened

effortbuilds self-esteem .

Skills and attitudes that

-listening and empathyassertivenessproblem solvingexploring optionsremaining calm, grounded

support a WIN-WIN approach :

belief WIN-WIN is possiblerespect others needsvalue own needswillingness to resolveflexibility .

EMERGENCY TIME OUT

PRACTICE TIME-OUT

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ASSIS'f~~yCG PCtUC;i; :1i\I

FOR MIEN WHO ARE TROUBLED BY THEI3 VIOLENCE

2 .

Leave for an hour - no more, no less .

3 .

Don't drink, drive, g`et stoned .

"TIME OUT"

"Time -0ut" is a guaranteed method to stop violent behaviour from now on .

'1'liereare two types of time -out .

The first is

1 .

As soon as you feel anger rising and you know you ~riigiit blow , say firmlyand clearly : "I'nr feeling angry acrd I need to take Ti~r~e-out" .

4 .

Don't fume and stew . Say "STOP" when thoughts begin to build up tension,and think of something else .

5 .

Do something physical ; walk, run, ride a pushbike, do physical work ti~atwill burn up the aroused energy .

G .

Come back on the hour . This gives you sufficient time to cool off . You arein control of you . Let your partner know you are back .

7 .

Talk about the issue of possible . If not, that's oltay - tirer"e are so~~~c iGstresthat need to be sorted out with a counsellor .

All the above should be shared with your partner BEFORE you tackle "1'i~i~e-out" ."Time-out" is different from "running away" . It is arrrrourrcecl, and it is for' 1~ot!rpersons' benefit .

"'Time-out" is hard to do because most men have been brvugEt Up tU UcIIeV~.only cowards walk away from a fight . The opposite is tru . ItEAL people ~lc~n'thave to win .

REAL people are human beings who are i~r olilrge of theu~sel~: e~ acrddo what is best for them and others .

The second type of Time -out is :

1 .

'three times each week when there is no ewcr~cmcv ainratmrr, say f~ir~W~; :~ml

clearly :

"I wish to take Time-out" .

2 .

Leave for 15 minutes ,

no more ,

no less .

3 .

Do something you enjoy doing, but not drinking or getting stoned . Sit in thesun . - Involve yourself in a hobby .

Enjoy .

4 .

Enjoy being in charge of you .

6 .

Take up activities as before Tiir~e-out .

5 .

Come back right on 15 minutes .

Say to your partner "Thanks, I erriore "1that break" .

7 .

Invite your partner to take 15 crrinutes ,for herself .

Be sure you show these instructions to your partner before you attempt t;iis .

AGENDA FOR WEEK ONE (Contd .)

AGENDA FOR WEEK TWO.

a) Ask each student to identify useful idea fromtodays meeting .

b) Ask one student to summarize main points .

AGENDA FOR WEEK THREE,ENDING THE USE OF VIOLENCE .

ANGER CONTROL

UNDERSTANDING THE USE OF VIOLENCE AS A TACTIC OF CONTROL .

1)

Check-in Group discussionalast weeks action plan .2)

Log students experiences -a) Examine actions/intents

an example of using angerWhat did they think wouldby their action .

~t~b) Completen3 - 6 on the log .'

's'd. . _

~tie .o ..-Jl-i..-~

a~- o.+~~3)

Review ones oxfthe non controlling behaviours i .e .time-out/coo l downs - importance

s) y ate:,.. (yl~,".., `~'- .,w-~~.

THE ASSAULT

student givesto controlchange/happen

1)

Check in - Discuss last weeks (action plan) .2)

Return logs to students handed in week beforeaddress issues - especially if the~s~re notputting in sufficient thought .

3)

Ask a volunteer to role-play their4)5j6)7)

situation .Teach specific skills as they arise in role-plays .Ask, a other to~vol ntee

to~rot1Q play. ~~,,(_,Hand out next weeks action plan, ~i

Summarize main points - same as previous weeks,/ py.. oc

~~s

~~o~J-o~_

a -- ~

w.o

~ S nn ..~.,q~

C~~..

4) Set goals for change & identify steps (action plan) .5) Hand out contol logs & action plans for Week 2 . ~s ^~.-6) Summarize main points

. . . . . . . . . . . . . FAIR FIGiiT RULES . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

The 'Fair Fight Game' has rules that a family can agree to use whenone member 'A' wants to send an important message to anothermember 'B' and be sure that the message gets through .The rules are that a member can ask for a fair fight an~rtime .

The one asked may say yes or no .if 8 agrees, that means he/she promises to listen to A's message,

and when°A is finished, B tells A what he/she heard. That is,the message

is fed back to the sender .

If B says 'No, I won't fight fair.' the B must give a time when

he/she will . For example if Mom asks daughter Mary for a fair fight,

Mary may say 'No Mom, I'm too upset but I will when I cool down,'

Or,'No, but I will as soon as I finish my homework,'

The game is over as soon as the sender A is satisfied that the

message got through .

B is given as many chances as needed to interpret the message

correctly .

. . . . . . . . . . . RESENTMENT GAME . . . . . . . . . . . .

This communication structure is helpful when resentments have built up

to the extent that the relationship becomes very negative, and

positive feelings are no longer getting through.

The game is simply an agreement to exchange resentments until one

party nms out of them .

Eg. Mary looks John in the eye and says 'John I resent you for not

spending more time with the children .'

John says 'Mary I resent you when you contradict me in front of

the children .'

and so on .

NB a) Exaggerations are permitted. eg You always leave your dirty

socks under the bed .

b) You may lbOT defend or excuse yourself : Even if you feel the

statement is unfair .

c) You can discuss the matter only after the game is over .

The game should end with an exchange of appreciations .

l~r~-GJ

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_-

~

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a ~ L ~ w-

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--~-~~-1_/l~~I-~'~-^r

Date :

Here is a list of behavior_

We would liKe you to try andremember how often Lnese behaviors occurred during the six monthsprior to your beginning this program . Your answers are strictlyconf idential .

CIRCLE a number for each of the items listed below to show yourclosest estimate of hota often it has happened .'during the SIX MONTHS before he started the program .

BEHAVIOR CHECKLIST

1 NEVER2 RARELY3 OCCASIONALLY4 FREQUENTLY5 VERY FREQUENTLY

1 .' Called you names and/or criticized you . 1 2 3 4 5

2 . Tried to keep you from doing something youwanted to do . (Example : going out withfriends, going to meetings) . 1 2 3 4 5

3 . Gave you angry looks or stares . 1 2 3 4 5

4 . Prevented you from having money for your own 1 2 3 4 5use .

5 . Ended a discussion with you and made thedecision himself . 1 2 3 4 5

6 . Threatened to hit or throw something at you . 1 2 3 4 5

7 . Pushed, grabbed or shoved you . 1 2 3 4 5

8 . Put down your family and friends . 1 2 3 4 5

9 . Accused you of paying too much attention tosomeone or something else . 1 2 3 4 5

10 . Put you on an allowance . 1 2 3 4 5

11 . Used -- w children to threaten you .' w

1 2 3 4 5