increasingly vulnerable marriages

10

18

30

55

67

0

10

20

30

40

50

60

70 percentage chance that a couple marrying in any particular year will end by divorcing

statistics from USA with 1990 figures projected from current trends

Gottman J What predicts divorce: the relationship between marital processesand marital outcomes Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, Inc, 1993

1890 1920 1950 1970 1990

% chance of divorcing

why are marriages so vulnerable?

divorce now more socially “acceptable”

families & communities in general more fragmented

somewhat easier now economically for women

longer lifespans inadequate relationship

skills & gender difference problems

we have multiple intelligences

linguistic logical-mathematical musical spatial bodily-kinesthetic intrapersonal interpersonal

Gardner H Frames of mind: the theory of multiple intelligences, 2nd ed. London: Fontana Press,

1993

each of us has a personal mix of talents - enjoying our preferred areas and developing some skills in our weak ones makes very good sense

gender & emotional intelligence

girls develop verbal skills quicker than boysadults talk to girls about emotions more than

they do to boysgirls & boys between about 6 and 16 develop

in parallel but separate universesgirls become much more skilful at reading

verbal and nonverbal signals than boysgirls become better than boys at articulating

their feelings

Brody LR & Hall JA Gender & emotion in Lewis L & Haviland J (ed’s)Handbook of emotions New York: Guilford Press, 1993

typical gender differences include:

women are more empathic than men in their ability to read unstated emotions from facial expression, voice tone & other non-verbal cues

women’s faces are more emotionally expressive than men’s faces

women tend to feel the entire range of emotions more easily and more intensely than men

women value communication more and are generally more rewarding to communicate with

Goleman D Emotional intelligence: why it can matter more than IQLondon: Bloomsbury, 1996

typical marital breakdown sequencecriticism becomes more

globally directed at the person rather than their actions

underlying toxic assumptions about each other develop

female attacks are met with male stonewalling

one or both partners become emotionally “flooded” living much of the time in fight/flight

Gottman J Why marriages succeed or fail New York: Simon & Schuster, 1994