Illinois - 10/5/11 - v19i08

August 2, 1492I’m finally setting sail tomorrow in search of a western route to the Indies. It’s about damn

time; I’ve been trying to get someone to sponsor me for years. It’s like, do they want to get in on this lucrative spice trade or not? Finally Ferdinand’s love for a dash of cinnamon with his French toast and addiction to opiates got the best of him. It’s your lucky day, Ferdinand! After I success-fully navigate this route, you can have all the cinnamon and opium your heart desires.

I have been so stressed preparing for this trip. It is a logistical nightmare getting things in order when you could be away from home for a year. Thank goodness my neighbor has been so gracious about house sitting. Let’s see, he’s going to pick up my mail and newspaper, water my plants—I hope he doesn’t overwater the hydrangeas, I specifically told him to be careful about that—and clean my pool. I told him he could swim in the pool if he wants. It was the polite thing to do, but I honestly don’t really want him swimming in my pool. And the cats can take care of themselves. I’ll just put a big bowl of kitty crunchies and a water dish down or something.

That’s all figured out, but packing my suitcase is still a source of much anxiety. What am I going to do about underwear? I never pack enough even on day trips, and there will be no opportunity to do laundry on the ship. I have 100 pairs right now. Is that enough? I think I’ll go add more. I have three pairs of socks, two pairs of jeans, and a few gym shorts thrown in. I know I probably won’t work out, but losing ten pounds was my New Year’s resolution, and it’s already August. If I don’t pack them, I definitely won’t work out, so at least I’m giving my thighs a chance of toning up. And should I bring my bathing suit? Even if I have time to swim, do they have swimming pools in the Indies? I’ll pack it anyway; it’s always good to have. I know I’ll regret it if they have an awesome pool and I’m stuck in jeans.

I feel like I forgot to pack something. I’ve gone over the checklist multiple times, but I just have that feeling. Ugh, I’ll have to trust I included everything.

August 4, 1492I forgot my damn toothbrush. I knew it! What good is toothpaste without the brush? Am I just

supposed to use my finger? I always feel so gross doing that. The rest of my first day was okay. Once I got on board, I immediately stuffed my mouth full of Dramamine. If I had forgotten that, I would have turned this ship right around. It was an absolutely gorgeous day. I decided I would take a few minutes to relax and sunbathe on the deck. The bathing suit is paying off already! Good call, Christopher. Other than that, not much happened. The crew seems nice. Everyone is settling in well.

August 20, 1492I hate it here. Today we were all examining the map to track our progress and formulate a plan

going forward. I looked at the compass and said, “Cardinal directions, eh? Out here, it’s more like seagull directions, am I right?” No one laughed. A joke like that would have killed in my crowd back home. And the other day I overheard some crew members saying this was the boring of the three ships and that everyone on the Nina and Pinta was having a blast. The Santa Maria is not a boring ship! We have shuffleboard, and game night every Wednesday, and salsa lessons! I’m a

fun guy! The Nina and Pinta can have their late night drunken revelry, tickle fights, and singing of jaunty sea tunes. We have a very respectable trio of a cappella singers here on the Santa Maria called the Sea Section. They provide tasteful three part harmonies everyone can enjoy. So screw you guys!

In other news, my sexual arousal is out of control. Over the past week I’ve seen mirages of busty, promiscuous mermaids six times. If I don’t unleash this energy soon I’m going to start humping the ship itself.

August 21, 1492Painful penis splinters.

september 9, 1492As the sun was setting tonight, I gazed out at the horizon. The encroaching darkness combined

with the boundless nature of the ocean made me feel so insignificant. I am but an inconsequen-tial speck in this universe, no more important than a piece of seaweed—a slave to the random motions of the sea. If my ship sunk tomorrow and I sank into the abyss along with the splintered bits of wood, this planet would not know any different. Would I be missed? In the short term, yes. But on a geological time scale, no. That is true for every being that has ever existed and ever will exist. What is the ultimate nature of human life? This is a philosophical question I will continue to ponder.

Holy shit, I almost forgot, I saw a dolphin today! And so many cool fish! Things are looking up.

september 29, 1492There was an awful storm last night. For hours the crew adjusted sails and held on to ropes for

their dear lives. One of our crew members perished, but he was actually a fugitive and I think he was stealing extra rations of food this whole time so whatever. The real tragedy is that the ship suffered some significant damage. This thing is a rental, and stupid me didn’t spring for the renter’s insurance. That’s going to be hanging over my head the rest of the trip now. The only positive is that the ship was due for a good cleaning, and the rain saved me the hassle.

OctOber 13, 1492Yesterday we spotted land! Someone spotted it before me and was the first to shout, “land,

ho!” I told everyone from day one that I wanted to be the first to say that. It was the only rule we had. I literally carved it into the ship. At any rate, he will not be getting his bonus when this is all over.

It’s such a relief to finally be in the Indies. We had the pleasure of meeting the natives. They were very nice, so polite and willing to give. I kept asking for the cinnamon and opium, but they acted like they had no idea what I was talking about. It must be the language barrier. I’ll keep trying to build relations with them over the next few weeks. This promises to be a mutually ben-eficial relationship that will in no way end in their demise.

06: What Your Ex Was rEallY saYing to YouIt’s not you, It’s me, and by me, I mean you (suck a lot).

08: thE hunt for Your PErfEct aPartmEntIf you lIke cockroaches and mIldrew, we got the place for you!

10: gangland:12 Blocks of BElligErEncEthe rough-and-tumble lIfe on the hard, fratty streets.

insidEother stuff

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Excerpts from Christopher Columbus’ Journal

Free...like sleeping with Jenkins...

just do it already...

Volume 19, Issue 8 — 10/05/11 - 10/12/11 — www.theblacksheeponline.com

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Table of contentsP5: sex in the cU: scaring off the reboUndour valiant editor opens up about the pains of not getting laid.

P7: facebook Why do yoU have to go and changeThis time it really is you, not me, facebook.

P9: What Will aliens think of the hUman race?These guys really liked pornog-raphy.

P9: from the streetsWhat would you do for a Klon-dike bar?

P16: bartenders of the WeekCollege kids have the weirdest sexual fantasies.

P16: drinking gameIf you play The Stump Game enough, you’ll end up with one for an arm.

P16: recipe for disaster: break-fast toasterIt’s not just for making waffles anymore.

P17: ole smoky tennessee moonshine revieWDun get sum, pa.

P18: 90s song lyrics that never diedSorry Spin Doctors, no shout-outs here.

P18: top 10Ways to be the Worst Date at an exchange

P19: faQ for rave virginsThere will be drugs. lots of drugs.

P20: movie revieWWe just can’t wait to see The lion King in 4D!

P21: cd revieWWe won’t listen to feist’s new album more than one, two, three, four times.

P22: fortUne tellingsYes, we do know what's going to happen to you. and no, you aren't going to get laid soon. Sorry.

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page four

Dear Carl,I just found out my girlfriend is pregnant, what should I do?Sincerely,Father-to-Be

Dear Fucked-Already,If watching daytime television has taught me anything, there’s a 99% chance this child is not yours, so there is a glimmer of hope for you already. It’s simple; just invite her to go to New York City and take her on The Maury Povich Show. Then have her go through a rigorous lie detector test, because even if this little bastard is yours, you have the right to know if she’s been sleeping with your neighbor and your neighbor’s brother and your neighbor’s brother’s roommate, and your neighbor’s brother’s roommate’s sister – even though that one would be kind of hot – you have the right to KNOW what you’re getting yourself into! That way when she has the little sucker, no one will ever blame you for leaving her, I mean she slept with the entire offensive line, you’d be a fool for sticking around with her. Or you could go ahead and do the noble thing and be a father to this kid, but let’s be serious – you have plans next weekend, so why not just get that DNA test and your name cleared.

Cheers, Carl

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Having yourself some rebound sex is supposed to be ef-fortless and easy according to everyone who’s talked to me in the past couple of weeks. However, somehow I have managed to have zero of it. There are plenty of ways to get some excellent and much deserved playtime, but, I seemed to have zoned in on all of the ways to get abso-lutely none. Here’s what I’ve been doing wrong, and some mistakes I see other people making all the time.

Generally I begin my nights by downing as many shots of the latest Pinnacle vodka as humanly possible, which is

what I have labeled the first mistake. Being single means you must now fend for yourself. Back in the days of rela-tionshipdom, you had someone around to look out for you when you got sloppy and puked down the front of your shirt at the curb of the bus stop. This person no longer exists, so sluggin’ back shots like a fat kid with irrefutable tolerance isn’t the best plan of action anymore. Nobody wants to sex up the puker whose eyes are rolled into the back of their head like they just got off the set of the newest exorcism flick.

Another incredibly common mistake is trying to hook up with someone who you actually want to hook up with. This is the ultimate rebound no-no. You’ve just gotten out of a serious relationship, you dingus. How on earth do you expect to have sex with someone else without crying all over them? Which brings me to my next point.

Crying. Seems pretty obvious, that this one’s a super big boner kill, but after a couple of tequila sunrises have made a serious sunset on your ability to remember there are actually good things going on in your life, you’ll find yourself sobbing about your serious lack of sex life to any stranger who’s unfortunate enough to walk by. You’re not

getting laid with all that mascara running down your face, mister, so suck it up you big cry baby if you ever want to put your boner in a lady again.

Finally, don't unleash your pent-up crazies all on one human being. Ohmygod, is that person paying attention to you? It’s been ages since anyone’s listened to you. Do they know that you haven’t had sex in several months? Would it be weird to tell them about your crushing depression ever since your dad left when you were thirteen because you lied about his friends molesting you as a child to get attention because you were suicidal in middle school? If you tell this person all of these things, then they will feel bad for you and want to make your life better. No one will ever want to leave you again, rIGHT?! NO. Do not do that. Bottle that garbage up. Bottle up all those repressed daddy issues and your inner hottness will soon start oozing out. People with daddy issues are always awesomely hot.

Basically just do your best to avoid these couple of tee-ny tiny detrimental-sure-to-insure-you-will-never-have-sex-again things and you should be okay. Yeah? Get out there, buddy, and go have yourself some fun.

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You’ve just been dumped, and that sucks. As if the fact that you were just tossed aside like a sack of ripe garbage wasn’t bad enough, your dumping was delivered with one of those God awful, cheesy breakup lines. They’re the worst. They don’t give you any real closure about why that asshat you were dating decided to call it quits. Feel free to put that box of Hostess treats away. The time to be sad has passed, because I’m here to give you the translation of those aw-ful one-liners.

“I think we should start seeing other people.” Translation: “I’m already seeing someone else.” C’mon, you saw this one coming. All those late nights and early mornings were lies. Your significant other was out banging their hot new piece. I know your lower lip is probably quivering right now and you’re thinking that your lover would never betray you, but let’s be real here. You don’t dump one person and give that line unless you already have another slam lined up. Do yourself a favor, and delete your former flame from Facebook now. Sure enough, after the courtesy week has passed, the new status will read that so-and-so is now, “In a relationship.” Don’t say you weren’t warned.

“I just need some space.” Translation: “I just need some space way the hell away from you.” It’s pretty clear that you’ve become clingy, or maybe your obnoxious habits have driven your one true love away forever. Either way, my advice to you is to knock off whatever that irritating behavior is. Not everyone wants to spend every waking minute with you, or maybe this person did only to eventu-ally find out that you grind your teeth during your sleep, interrupting their rEM cycle.

“God doesn’t want us to be together.” Translation: “I don’t want us to be together, because I met someone more in touch with the Lord than you are.” Your efforts of getting that super-Christian-but-really-freaky-in-bed girl have failed. She’s found someone who will cuddle her while reciting Bible verses. This one isn’t even your fault. Cut your losses, and go find someone without morals. Those people are

more fun anyways.

“I think we’re better off as friends.” Translation: “You’re no longer physically attractive.” Maybe you’ve gone up a few sizes because you’re complacent. “I’m in love! It doesn’t matter what I look like. DP Dough is my favorite place to eat everyday!” Girls, maybe you’ve stopped wearing makeup because your guy lied to you and told you he thinks you look better without it. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but being friends just means he or she no longer wants to have sex with you.

“We should take a break.” Translation: “I want to break up with you, but this seems like it’ll provoke less crying.” This line is the cowardly version of the, “I just need some space” line. For whatever reason, your lover has grown tired of you, but he/she just doesn’t have the balls to say that outright. You’d probably start crying like a little girl and begging for forgiveness and nobody wants to see that.

“I don’t have time for a relationship right now.” Translation: “My other obligations are way more interesting than you are.” Be it work, classes, or friends, you fell behind on the list of things that special someone would rather do. If you want to have time for somebody, you typically find the time, right? Know why they don’t have time for you? They don’t want to have time for you.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” Translation: “It’s definitely you.” This is just a culmination of all of the previ-ous reasons. There’s likely something wrong with you.

Now, now, I know I’ve been harsh on you, dumpee, but I still have faith in you. If your ex resulted to using one of these stupid lines, you’re probably way better off without him/her. Find somebody out there who’s ballsy enough to tell you what the actual problem is… or at least somebody who can make up a better excuse. Enjoy being single, and milk this breakup for all it’s worth.

WhaT Your ex WaS rEallY saYing To You

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Log into Facebook and scroll down the Newsfeed for some potential creepage to occur.

You will notice this new thing called a ‘ticker.’ A Face-book popup will then notify you about all the changes. Your eyes bulge at that sight of all the new features. You will scream, “How dare they switch it again?!” Update your status: “Man I hate this new fbook – now every1 can see what im doing 24/7 & I don’t even know half these bitches on my friends list. now everyone can see that i liked your page, your status & those photos of your dad in a Speedo over the summer. people don’t need to know that, ya knowww”

Just when we thought we knew everything about Facebook, Mark Zuckerburg went and made the biggest changes in the website’s history. The changes were so big that some users are still awaiting the changes to occur on their page because only so many profiles can change at a time. So if you have no idea what these changes that I’m talking about are, then you are not alone – just slightly less important than everyone else in the world.

But if you are not one of those losers out there, then you know the only reason everyone got a profile is to stay up on everyone’s shit. We want to be constantly told what is going on without having to actually talk to a single human being because let’s be honest, face-to-face communication has become a thing of the past. We have become the generation that says, “Oh no, I don’t know that girl at all,” [as your avoiding eye contact by pretend-ing to text], but deep down we’re all thinking, “I was

all over her profile last night and we all saw her skanky pictures she was tagged in. I bet she actually has no real friends and all these pictures were Photoshopped, like her boobs. That bitch.” But these are just fond memories of the old Facebook now.

The new Facebook is forcing everyone to become a stalker without even realizing it, taking all the fun out of creeping through profiles. You become guilty by associa-tion just because you logged on to your profile. Once you log in you’re swarmed with information about people you don’t even know. vice-versa, now real creeps don’t have to spend as much time in their vans in the middle of the night. Now they get the same information about you from the comfort of their home. It’s like a win-win situation for them. But even though real predators may enjoy all the new added values to the website, a good chunk of the 800 million users do not. Facebook should a take hint from the blemish of the social networking family, Myspace. Once they started adding all that new shit people were all like “Fuck this, I’m going to Facebook.” Not even Justin Timberlake (co-owner of Myspace) could save that sinking ship.

Facebook was once the leader of the pack and has now become just another carbon copy of other sites out there. Even though Zuckerburg is trying to make the world more connected within their communities, the lack of original-ity is only going to push users away to better sites like Friendster or Chemistry.com.

hAnnAh JOhnsOn wrOte this

facEBook WhY Do You have To go and changE?

For all you losers out there still living in dorms, I hope this article provides you with some information about how to bring your cool status up a notch. No longer do you have to worry about your rA busting down your door to catch you sipping cheap Burnett’s or puf-fin’ the magic dragon. Fear no more about being embarrassed when you bring a hot babe back to your room, only to find your roommate passed out on your bed covered in puke and ramen. The days of pathetic freshman worries are all gone. It’s apartment hunting season in Champaign-Urbana and a fly new crib will pave the way for success in all of your future endeavors, academic and not.

First off, it’s all about location, location, location. Sure, that gorgeous 5-bedroom man-sion next to Meijer may be your dream home, but let’s face it, it’s not too practical. One, do you really want to rely on those city buses every day of your life? The ones that are noto-riously late and always smell like the homeless? Or you could get a car instead. If you’re up for spending ridiculous amounts of money on gas and parking in obscure places to avoid the Nazi-vulture police officers, then be my guest. I’ll stay on campus, thank you very much.

The University of Illinois is extremely lucky to have the largest Greek system in the na-tion, not just for those kiss-ass philanthropy events, but because the chances of running in to a gorgeous hunk of muscles or boobs just increased by 200%. How do you completely take advantage of this? (Hint: location.) That’s right: look for places leasing next to popular sorority or fraternity houses. Maybe if you’re lucky enough, you’ll even be able to see in to their windows when they bring someone home to bang! You’ll probably be so close that you could rig up a badass zip line and just slide on over to their parties, too.

It would also be helpful to stay somewhere near the Quad, and that’s not just for proxim-ity to classes. Every major event this school has to offer takes place on or near the Quad. There’s the Homecoming parade, movies on the Quad, scary religious protests, free BBQs, the naïve freshman hotties running in their high heels and too-short skirts during rush ... talk about a view!

You also might want to check out the stereotype of the people already living in the complex you’re interested in ahead of time. Are they cool Asians? Unfriendly black hotties? Girls who eat their feelings? Sexually active band geeks? Are any of them attractive, possibly

single, and looking for a good time every Thursday night (or every night)? How often do cops bust their parties? More importantly, how often do they have parties? Maybe get to know the people in the exact unit you’ll be signing a lease for. Are there any secret diseases on their mattresses that you should be made aware of? Any hidden dead bodies in the closet? That could really take a chunk out of your security deposit.

The final, most important factor in this search is to decide who you want to live with. It’s best to explore all possible options because you don’t want an anti-alcohol-cockblocker laying on your couch all day, running up the electric bill with endless hours of PS3. You need that cool, laid back bro type who always has an extra condom to spare in emergency situations (and doesn’t care if you need to flog the log on lonely nights). Or that drop-dead gorgeous blonde with all the party hook-ups and an endless wardrobe. Also, try to look for someone who knows how to cook. You can’t live on PBr and cereal forever, sicko.

Hope these tips have helped you figure out how to narrow your search down a bit more. remember, whatever you do, don’t settle on being an rA. It’s like committing social suicide. (Who really gives up Unofficial to have their room and board paid for?) Happy hunting every-one!

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Kitty KAt wrOte this

The Hunt for the Perfect Apartment


miKe bensOn, yA dingus! wrOte this

Transmission #57621 - Ancient, planet-wide civilization found abandoned on Earth - October 5, 2013

For the past 10 months my platoon has uncovered a vast and complex civilization which had, up until just before we arrived, inhabited the majority of the planet Earth. Immediately upon setting foot on the planet’s surface we uncovered the source of the civilization’s demise: I’m afraid to say it, but it appears that Steve Jobs has succeeded in murdering yet another planet. We estimate the time of Earth’s Macintosh Coordinated Poison As-sault to have occurred on December 21, 2012.

We initially set off for Earth after intercepting the voyager sat-ellite in the early nineties. We didn’t think much of the classical music and have never been big Chuck Berry fans. However, when we discovered that one of the Earthlings to work on voyager was Carl Sagan, we immediately made our way over, for the chance of meeting such a legend.

The journey was long, but rewarding. We reached the planet called Earth shortly after the beginning of the year 2013. Being that we arrived so shortly after the humans’ slow and painful undoing, most of their records, buildings, and monuments were left in pristine condition. Our first major shock was when we discovered that humans spoke English and used the same dat-ing system as us. “What are the odds of that?” we thought. Our question was quickly answered when we noticed David Bowie records scattered around Berlin, Germany. That bastard must have been hiding on Earth for thou-sands of years, giving the humans language, science, and a unique blend of psychedelic folk-rock.

Immediate impressions of Earth yielded a strong sense of division and distrust between the several continents and nations of the small planet. religion clearly played a key role in this antagonism. For instance, one continent in the western hemisphere of the globe worshipped a pantheon of gods which included a clown that ap-parently molested children, a military colonel who specialized in killing chickens, and an all seeing, omnipresent, “Burger” king who was never depicted as having any physical form. This con-trasted differently from the other side of the globe, which wor-shipped a god named Ash Ketchum who, as their theology put it, captured “Pokemon” (Spirits which, when caught, gave the possessor wisdom and power). The followers of this religion were encouraged to do likewise.

The issue of race also played a major role in how humans in-teracted with each other and structured their society. After re-viewing hours of records and documentations it is clear that the Anglo/Caucasian race was greatly discriminated against in this society. While the Caucasians worked all day in stressful jobs wearing “ties,” a constant symbol of their servitude, the humans originating from the African continent spent their time partici-

pating in sport with each other and drinking bottles of “Cristal,” a drug humans used for relaxation and attainment of females. Again, while the Caucasians spent their lives in pointless prisons of low self-esteem and shopping malls like lab rats, the group

known on Earth as Hispan-ics spent the majority of their lives dancing around with large breasted females.

One curious aspect of Earth is how some areas are impres-sively well developed and show signs of great wealth, while other places appear to have no civilization at all. For instance, the majority of the African con-tinent is almost completely un-touched. We assume that this is because the humans wished to

devote a section of the Earth to their animal inhabitants. We assume no humans were left to fend for themselves on this unde-veloped continent in the year 2012 – that would just be unethi-cal. Assuming that our original hypothesis is true, we find it com-mendable that humans cared so much for their animals! However, we did find a disturbing lack of elephants and Siberian tigers.

A strangely primitive aspect of the human civilization was the fact that they still depended on crude oil as their primary source of energy. They clearly had not yet discovered the vast environ-mental and economical benefits of burning baby kittens for fuel. rather, it appears that humans loved baby kittens, and even kept them as pets. Almost no baby kittens were burned for fuel in the entire history of the human race, according to our research.

In spite of its defects, the civilization on Earth was respect-fully sophisticated. Except for the band Nickelback, thank god the humans died before THAT band was thrown on wax and sent to space.

what aliEns wIll thInk of the human racE aftEr WE’rE gonE

"after reviewing hours of re-cords and documentation, it

is clear that the anglo-cauca-sian race was greatly discrim-

inated against in society"

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Mike...did your brother piss on our couch? I think he did. - Steve

Dear Roomie. When I am sick, please do not wake me at 1 am to have another inane phone call with your boyfriend. Also, if I passively aggressively wake up and play

tetris, it is a point- not permission to skype him and talk to his cat.

Sincerely, WTF

Wait...Jake...you're not an alum and you can't give me a summer

internship? Dammit. - Sarah

Boy from MNJ - what's your name again? And can I have my bra

back, please?

Dear Homeless Man outside of Den: Please stop blocking the

Black Sheep newspaper bin with your cart so that I don't have

difficulty getting the latest edition of the Black Sheep...oh, and

please stop staring at me through the window...I already bought you

a 40!

Jackie, next time you decide to bring home a random guy and

girl by tempting them with a threesome, pass out, and let them hookup on the couch...I'm going to shave your head. They left love

stains! -Pissed Off Mandy

Dear Roommate, Sorry you woke up while I was having sex in the bed next to you. Sincerely, Your

roommate that got it in

Dear epic hide and seeker, You left a '21' pimp stein class in the black

sheep sheep box on First. And I found it. I win.


This week on Gangland we explore a world of anal sex, vigilantes, and keg stands. When traveling through central Illinois, it's not uncommon that people may avoid the County of Champaign. Sure, the campus surrounding the University of Illinois looks like a normal Big Ten college town, but danger brews within the bellies of the elite members of the Twelve Blocks of Belligerence.

Stemming from the Greek system at U of I, the Twelve Blocks of Belligerence are a notorious conglomerate of twelve “blocks,” each consisting of one sorority and one of the top ranking fraternities of self-corrupting, party-rock, social violators. They reign supreme here during a particular time of the year, the fall, when leaves turn poo brown and the game of football puts the dastardly deeds of the Twelve in the shadows.

The Twelve are particularly known for their weekly so-called celebrations every Saturday, where each block gathers at their known place of debauchery, including Kam's, Joe's, and the infamous red Lion. We encountered a member of a block, although the block's name will not be revealed due to its secrecy (lawsuits). We asked him some questions regarding the typical block gathering.

nAme: MichaelAliAs: Cum-StainsAffiliAtiOn: Straight Bro

Cum-Stains: “Saturday's ain't a joke, brah. You could end up on the floor in your own pee if you mess with the wrong people. Blocktenders hook us up, chyea and shit's so crazy.”

blOcKtenderDefinition: One who drops bombs on all members of the block, usually in the form of Vegas Bombs, Bubble Gum Bombs, and other Bombs that taste fruity.

Cum-Stains: “Chyea, it's like there's nothing above us, do you know what I am saying? We make the world turn, like cows produce milk 'cause of us, pshhhh.”

Once a young male or female finds his/her way into the elite Twelve, he/she can never leave unless “excommunicated,” or in other words, graduates from the University and moves on to the real world (sometimes even The Real World). A young male student will start off in his fraternity as a “Pledge,” also known as, “maid.” After paying his dues, the pledge en-ters an initiation. Each initiation varies, but typical practices include the insertion of bananas into other pledge's rectums and streaking through undergraduate Economics classes. Once a pledge passes initiation, he becomes a Bro, traveling up the ranks from Goon Bro to Straight Bro, one can eventually become a top ranking officer, a Fratstar.

frAtstArDefinition: A top-ranking official within a fraternity. Has the power to delegate what all his lower tier Bros wear, drink, and eat, and where to sleep, beat off and make love to sheep.

We found a local Fratstar that goes by the alias, Jabroni Jim. He had some revealing things to say about his involvement in the Block process.

nAme: JimothyAliAs: Jabroni JimAffiliAtiOn: Fratstar

Jabroni Jim: “You know, I basically control the colors and outfits we wear. It's all 'bout the boat shoes, teal polo, and matching teal flat brim. If you're real down, you wear a snap-back. We sport teams like the old Charlotte Hornets and throwback Mariners because they’re ballin'. Once the temp gets too nippy, we toss on the flannels and it’s sick. I always buy like ten vegas Bombs for my lower-tier Bros because that means respect. I always get respect from those biotches.”

We followed up on a meeting in which one group of posing Block members invaded on another Block's turf at a certain bar on the morning of Saturday, October 22nd. The invad-ing students were a group or random individuals who had no affiliation with each other. Needless to say, shit nearly hit the fan. Jabroni Jim, just a Bro at the time, was among the actual Block and was defending his turf.

Jabroni Jim: “Chyea, when we walked into the place that morning at 7AM, it smelled exactly like the night before. There's just something about the smell of garbage, sex, beer, and hotness that gets the boys a little fired up. So when we came across these posing hipster bro-wannabes, we had to show them what was up, you know? I was a Goon Bro at the time, which meant I had to step in and bring the noise. Me and the other Goons buttoned up our flannels and dropped the Thirty-rack to take care of business. We were just stand-ing next to these kids at the bar, jokin' about their gay look and stuff. Once one of them looked at us, we pounced. The flannels came off and we had no choice but to talk shit and hold each other back. It was a well-performed TFM*, so in the end they backed down.”*TFM: Total Frat Move

The quarrel never escalated further, but it just goes to show that if you find yourself in the wrong bar on a Saturday morn-ing in the fall, you might not make it out alive. And if you do, pshhh, you're one of the lucky independents.

gangland: TWelve bloCKS of bellIGerenCeMr. ByrnES wrOte this

SHOUT OUTS!

The Bar GridPage 1 of 3

SPECIALNIGHT

Football Saturdays!We’re open EARLY before

the gamesHome or away we’re your

headquarters!Great specials & MORE!

FRIDAY:DIGITAL TAPE MACHINE

& OHMPHREYfeaturing members of UMPHREY'S McGEE

FRIDAY:Happy Hour Food Special

4pm-9pm - $5 Wings & Fries$3 Porch Steps!

15" Long Gourmet Grilled Cheese$2 Bud Light Tallboy 24oz Cans

$3 Vegas Bombs | $3 Svedka Vodka$3 Soco Lime Shots

SATURDAY:New Ruins CD Release Party!

Alpha Mile (10PM)Psychic Twin (11PM)New Ruins (12AM)

FRIDAY:Candy Foster and Shades of

Blue Live at 8:30PM!$2.00 Bud & Bud Light Cans

All You Can Eat Walleye $7.95

WED10/05

15 Cent WINGS 8pm -?$1.50 Miller High Life Bottles

$2 Long Island Iced teas (5 flavors)

$2 Jäger Bombs

WILL HOGE with ERNIE HENDRICKSON (Early Show!)

Chalice Dubs presents312 VIBE NIGHT (Late Show!)

SENIOR NIGHT featuring Bottle Service

$2 UV Vodka $2 Malibu Rum$2 Bud Light Bottles

Bottle Service AvailableTo Book - Call 217-722-9000

Salsa & Tango!Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long!

Free Pool$2 Domestic Bottles & Drafts

$4 Domestic Pitchers

THURS10/06

$1 Wells$2 SoCo Lime Shots

$2.50 Jack/SoCo/Tuaca$3 Jumbo Long Islands$4 Domestic Pitchers

PRIVATE PARTY

$2 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE$3 Any Liquor & Red Bull

Shot or Bombs! Every Thursday! DJ Ollie

DJ D.M. | DJ Ghostface

Closed for a Private PartyBook Your Next Party Here!

217-398-2688!

Beer Garden Bags League at 6pm

Karaoke at 9PM!$1.50 Old Style Pints

FRI10/07

$1 Cherry & “O” Bombs$2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells

$2.50 Bud Light Bottles$3 Three Olives Mixers

$3 Hot Shots$7 ALL Domestic Pitchers

DIGITAL TAPE MACHINE& OHMPHREY

featuring members of UMPHREY'S McGEE

Happy Hour Food Special4pm-9pm - $5 Wings & Fries

$3 Porch Steps!15" Long Gourmet Grilled Cheese$2 Bud Light Tallboy 24oz Cans

$3 Vegas Bombs | $3 Svedka Vodka$3 Soco Lime Shots

In Your Ear Band (Early)Beards & Bass! (Late)DJ Belly & DJ Mertz

Candy Foster and Shades of Blue Live at 8:30PM!

$2.00 Bud & Bud Light CansAll You Can

Eat Walleye $7.95

SAT10/08

$1 Cherry & “O” Bombs$2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells

$2.50 Bud Light Bottles$3 Three Olives Mixers

$3 Hot Shots$7 ALL Domestic Pitchers

GIRLS NEXT DOOR (Early Show!)

JONATHAN TYLER& THE NORTHERN LIGHTS

(Late Show!)

Open at 11amCheck out our New Restaurant"The Porch" Serving Awesome

Homemade Food Daily!ILLINI vs Indiana 1:30pm

$3 Jager Bombs$2 Silver Tequila Shots

New Ruins CD Release Party!

Alpha Mile (10PM)Psychic Twin (11PM)New Ruins (12AM)

$3.50 23oz Bud Light& Miller Lite Drafts

SUN10/09

ClosedPAPADOSIO

with THE COOP

Open at 11amCheck out our New Restaurant"The Porch" Serving Awesome

Homemade Food Daily!Soups - Sandwiches - Entrees

Trivia Night - 7PM!$1 Miller Lite Drafts

$1 Miller High Life Drafts$2 Bushmills Shots$3 Red Bull Vodkas

NFL Sunday Ticket$2 Domestics

$3 Bloody Marys

MON10/10

$1 Wells$2 Jumbo Long Islands

$4 Bud & Bud Light PitchersPub quiz @ 8pm

SARA BAREILLESwith ELIZABETH

& THE CATAPULT(Sold Out!)

Bucket Monday!BEARS vs LIONS 7pm

$8 Buckets of Domestic Bottles $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets

$2 Pinnacle Whipped Vodka$2 Cruzan Rum Drinks

DJ Belly!$2 Domestic Beers

$2 Wells$2 Off All Martinis

1/2 Price Appetizers 4-7pm$1.50 Old Style Pints

TUES10/11

Taco Tuesdays!$3 AUC2E Tacos

$2 Wells$3 Tall Boys/Miller Coors

$3 Tequila Sunrise & Margaritas

THE CHRIS ROBINSON BROTHERHOOD

featuring Chris Robinson of the Black Crowes

WINE NIGHT$8 Bottles of Wine

$8 Bottles of Champagne$2 Goose Island 312 Bottles

$2 UV Vodka (All Flavors)$2 Jim Beam Whiskey

Open Mic NightInside Stage

Beer Garden Bags League at 6pm

$1.50 Old Style Pints$2.00 Margaritas

$2 for 2 Tacos

WED10/12

15 Cent WINGS 8pm -?$1.50 Miller High Life Bottles

$2 Long Island Iced teas (5 flavors)

$2 Jäger Bombs

PEARL JAM TWENTYSpecial Documentary Film

Screening - 7pm FREE SHOW!

SENIOR NIGHT featuring Bottle Service

$2 UV Vodka $2 Malibu Rum$2 Bud Light Bottles

Bottle Service AvailableTo Book - Call 217-722-9000

Salsa & Tango!Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long!

Free Pool$2 Domestic Bottles & Drafts

$4 Domestic Pitchers

concert tickets50% drinking/food and more!coming soon!

50% oFFgreek apparel!

Live NoW!campusf lock.com

The

Bar

Gri

dPa

ge 2

of

3

35 E. Green Street

Green Street Café

Special Night

Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day.

Free pool during happy hour!!!

35 E. Green Street

Wednesday

OPEN MIC Night

$2.50 Corona

$2.50 Jager Bombs

$3 Strong Islands

$4 ICB’s

SPECIAL

NIG

HT

SATURDAY:Firehaus OKTOBERFEST

#19 ILLINI vs Indiana 1:30pmHawks vs Jets 7pm

WIN BLACKHAWKS TICKETSWin a Glass Das Boot!

We are giving away one every hour starting at 6pm

EVERY DAY:$1 Kamikazes

$1.25 High Life Drafts$3 Jager Bombs

$5 Pitchers of High Life

1/2 Price Hookahs at GSC2

Free Pool From 6-8 Daily

THURSDAY:$3 Sweet Tea Vodka

$3 Absolut Citron$3 Any Draft

Bus Transportation from Campus to

Downtown @ Wright and Daniel

Monday - Saturday at 10:00, 10:30, 11:00

Monday: MNF then MNJWin a trip to Vegas

1/2 Price Sandwiches

WED

10/05

MINUTE TO WIN IT: Win a Soco Lighted Pub Sign

$1 SHOTSFirehaus Mug Night

You Keep the Glass Mug$5 for Your first Mug & Draft

$2 Bud Refills | $3 312 Refills$3 Jack Daniels | $2 UV Vodka

Karaoke Bomb Night$2.50 Ice Bombs

$3 Jager& Vegas Bombs$4 Bacardi& Car Bombs

$6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night$2.50 Corona's

$2.50 Jager Bombs$3 Strong Islands

$4 Oh Yeah's$4 ICB's

$3 Jack Daniels$3 Bacardi & Flavors

+ Red Bull$2.50 Red Stripe

Coyote Ugly Night$3 Double Wells$3 Jack Drinks

$3 Jager Bombs

$3 Jager Bombs$4 Sloppy Joes...Come

get sloppy

THURS

10/06

MLB Playoffs$2 Bud Light Bottles

$2 Jim Beam Whiskey$2 Svedka Vodka

$6 Buckets of Natty Light Bottles

Live Band & Open Mic Night!

$1 Miller Lite Bottles$3 Double Rum Wells


$3.50 Miller Light and Bud Light 60oz pitchers

$2 Domestic Bottles$3 Cherry Bombs

$3 Sweet Tea Vodka$3 Absolut Citron

$3 Any Draft

DJ Ollie$3 Top Shelf

Free Entry w/ Student ID Before 11p

1/2 Price Burgers$2 Blue Moons$2 Woodchucks$4 Jen Howe's

FRI

10/07

BLACKHAWKS OPENING NIGHT!

Hawks vs Stars 7:30pmRED BEER on TAP!Win Hawks Tickets!$5 Bud Light 40's$3 Jager Bombs

$3 Strong Islands$4 Double Vodka Wells


$2 Miller Bottles$3 Dr's Shots

$3 Captian & Coke$4 Oh Yeah's

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s$5.50 Jager Bombs

DJ Delayney$5 Double Wells


5 words...LINGERIE FOOTBALL

LEAGUE FANTASY FOOTBALL

Game at 9PM on the big screen in dance bar

SAT

10/08

Firehaus OKTOBERFEST#19 ILLINI vs Indiana 1:30pm

Hawks vs Jets 7pmWIN BLACKHAWKS TICKETS

Win a Glass Das Boot!We are giving away one every

hour starting at 6pm

$3 Wells$4 Top Shelf

$4 Double Whisky Wells$6 Late Night Food Specials

$2 Domestic Bottles$3 Dr's Shots

$3 Bacardi Drinks$4 Oh Yeah's

College Football All Day!

Check our website for special events!

1/2 price burgers and the Illini going 6 - 0 Watch the game

in our beer garden

SUN

10/09

NFL FOOTBALL$2 ANYTHING IN

THE HOUSE!$3.99 for 10 Firehaus Wings

$10 Natty Light Hydrants

$2 U-Call-It$3 Top Shelf


$1 12oz Drafts$2 Well Drinks$3 Call Drinks

$4 Signature Drink

$3 Vodka Red Bulls$5 Coors Light & Miller

Light Pitchers

Book Your Next Party Here! Email us at

[email protected]

Open at 11am for LunchFull Food Menu...Then

Sunday Funday

MON

10/10

BEARS vs LIONS 7pm$1 DRAFTS

$10 Hydrants of Natty Light$1 Silver Tequila Shots

Win 1 of 2 Payton Jerseys!1/2 Priced Appetizers

4pm-10pm

$.50 Pizza Slices(8pm to Midnight)

$8 Pizza & a Pitcher$4 Pitchers

$3 Double Spiced Rum Wells$6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 Draft Refills, Miller and Bud light

$2 Rum and Coke's$3 Rumplemintz

$4 Strong Islands

$3 Jameson$2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft

80s Night With DJ Mingram$1.50 Wells

and Domestic BottlesNO COVER

Bears v Lions at 7:30PMWin a trip to Vegas

during the 4th Quarter

TUES

10/041

1

TURTLE RACES & MLB PlayoffsWin Big Prizes Every Week$2.99 Cheeseburger and

Chips from 4pm-10pm$2 Wells

$2 Pinnacle Whipped Drinks$6 SHARKBOWLS

$1 Chicken Strips & $.50 Wings(8pm to Midnight)$2 Tequila Shots

$3 Double Vodka Wells$4 Patron


Karaoke Night$2 Domestic Bottles

$3 Dbl Vodka/RB$3 Marky Bomb's

$4 Peach Long Beaches

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells

DJ A-RON$1 Wells


1/2 Price Burgers$2 Jello Shots

8th Grade Dance Party

WED

10/12

MINUTE TO WIN IT: Win a Flip Camera

$1 SHOTSFirehaus Mug Night

You Keep the Glass Mug$5 for Your first Mug & Draft

$2 Bud Refills | $3 312 Refills$3 Jack Daniels | $2 UV Vodka

Karaoke Bomb Night$2.50 Ice Bombs

$3 Jager& Vegas Bombs$4 Bacardi& Car Bombs


Open Mic Night$2.50 Corona's

$2.50 Jager Bombs$3 Strong Islands

$4 Oh Yeah's$4 ICB's

$3 Jack Daniels$3 Bacardi & Flavors

+ Red Bull$2.50 Red Stripe

Coyote Ugly Night$3 Double Wells$3 Jack Drinks

$3 Jager Bombs

1/2 Price Hot Dogs$3 Jager Bombs$4 Sloppy Joes

Oh, we’re just getting started. Amazing Location. Theater Room. Club Room. Two-Story Wireless Atrium Lounge. Bicycle and Scooter Storage. Convenient Grocery Store. Fully-furnished Apartments. Fitness Center. Tanning.

Greystar Illinois Management, LLC217.239.2310 | burnham310.com | 310 E. Springfield

Beer Run? More Like a Quick Jaunt.When you live next door to a grocery store, you’ll always be ready for an impromptu party.

KAM'S

The BarG

ridPage 3

of 3

FRI & SAT:$10 Large Pizzas

after 10pm

TUES: Outbound Drive$3.50 Double Jim Beam

$4.50 Double Pucker$1.50 Lite Drafts

Live Country Music!

MON: Beer Lovers Night$2 Domestic Bottles

and Drafts$2.50 Specialty Bottles

and Drafts

WED: LOGO GLASS DAY!$5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's or PBR

$2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles$4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles

$2.00 Rum Chata Shots$2.00 Burst Shots

Monday Night FootballBEARS vs LIONS 7pmFree Pizza At Halftime

$1 U CALL ITS$2 Red Bull Vodkas

$3 Bud Light Pitchers

Oktoberfest All Week!$5 Boot Fills All Week Until

Monday 10/10!$4 Boot Fills During

Monday Night Football!Feat: Sam, Leine, and Spaten!

SPECIAL

NIG

HT

$1.50 Domestics$1.75 Wells

$2.00 Imports

Frattle of the Bands!WPGU Live - $1000 Prize!

$1.50 Bud You Call ItsDrafts & Bottles$2.50 Bacardi

$3.50 Vodka & Bam

School of BeerNo Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY!$5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR



PITCHER NIGHT!$2 Pitchers

$5 Well Pitchers

White Horse Karaoke! $7.50 Rum

and Coke Pitchers

WED

10/05

$3 Fat Tire Drafts$3 Bacardi Flavors

KLUB KAM'S w/ DJ John Han$3.50 UV & BAM

$2 Lite Bottles$1 MHL Bottles$3 Revel Stoke

Mustache NightGet your limited edition

mustache glassNo Cover

$2.00 Specialty Pints$2.00 Specialty Bottles

$6.50 Killians and Leine Pitchers$2.25 Jim Beam Singles

$4.50 Bacardi and Mailbu Dbls$2.50 Rum Chata Shots

$2.50 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

SHACKER NIGHT$2 Bud Family Bottles

$2 UV Vodka$3 SoCo Lime Shots$5 24oz UV Shackers

$6 Red Bull Super Shackers

$7.50 Whiskey Coke Pitchers$3 Jim Beam

$3 Jack Daniels

THURS

10/06

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

The ABSOLUT Party$4 BAM Drinks

$2.75 24oz Lite Cans$3 Jameson & Malibu

$2 Miller Light Bottles$4 Double Amaretto$4 Double Malibu

No cover

$2.00 Killians and Leine Pints$7.00 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light,

and Miller Lite Pitchers$4.50 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles

$2.50 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints$2.50 Rum Chata Shots

$2.50 Burst Shots

$1 FATTY NATTY'S!12oz Natty Light Bottles!

$3 Vegas Bombs$3 Svedka Vodka

$3 Jim Beam Whiskey

$7.50 Margarita Pitchers $2 CoronasNo Cover!

FRI

10/07

$5 22oz Illini Mug, $3 Refills During Illini

Games!

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

IL at. Indiana 1:30PM$3 Jack Daniels Honey

$4 Blue Guys$2.50 22oz Lite Drafts

Open at 11AM

$2 Coors Light$4 Double Whiskey

$4 Double Bacardi Drinks

No cover

$5.50 Mushroom MEGA Cheeseburger with Fresh Cut Fries

$2.00 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pints

$2.50 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints$7.00 Killians and Leinenkugel Pitchers$4.50 Jim Beam, Bacardi, & Malibu Dbl

$2.50 Rum Chata Shots$2.50 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

$2 DRAFTS of Natty$3 Jager Bombs

3 Absolut$3 Bacardi

$2.50 U Call It$3 Jaeger Bombs

SAT

10/08

Come Watch Some Games!

$2 Domestics Bottles$2 Wells

$1 Fatty Bottles$2 Pitchers

$3 Any Draft$2.50 Coronas

$2.00 Specialty Pints & Bottles$5.50 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light,

and Miller Lite Pitchers$2.00 Well Singles

$4.00 Sobieski Vodka and Sweet Tea Vodka Doubles$2.00 Rum Chata Shots

$2.00 Burst Shots

Book Your Next Party or Event at The Red Lion!

Contact our Party Planner at [email protected]

or 217-722-9000

Come in and find out what's going on! Maybe the Bears are playing...

SUN

10/09

$1.50 High Life Drafts!

Monday Night Football!Bears vs. Lions

$1 Bottles, $3 PitchersGRAB-A-FATTY

$1 Wells, $2 Bottles$2 Energy Drinks

Beer Lovers Night$2 Domestic Bottles

and Drafts$2.50 Specialty Bottles

and Drafts

$1.75 Domestic Pints$2.75 Premium Pints

$2.00 Manager's Special$4.00 Wild Turkey and Skyy

Vodka Doubles

Monday Night FootballBEARS vs LIONS 7pmFree Pizza At Halftime

$1 U CALL ITS$2 Red Bull Vodkas

$3 Bud Light PitchersWIN A JERSEY!

Monday Night Football!$1 Miller Lite

$1 Coors Light Pints$5 Boot Fills!

MON

10/10

1/2 Price Tuesdays1/2 Price Pool and Miller

Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza

(after 6pm)

Outbound Drive$3.50 Double Jim Beam

$4.50 Double Pucker$1.50 Lite Drafts

Live Country Music!

Ride the RailNo Cover

$6.00 Hamm's Logo Pitcher$4.00 Refills

$2.00 Sobieski Vodka Singles$4.00 Well Doubles

$2.00 Oldstyle and Schlitz Tall Boys and Natty Fatties

$2.00 Rum Chata Shots$2.00 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

BARN DANCE TUESDAYS!Live DJ Playing Country Music$1.50 FATTY NATTY BOTTLES

$2 Wild Turkey Whiskey$2 American Honey Lemonades

$2 Malibu Rum

DAS BOOT!$5 Refills ANY DRAFT!!

TUES

10/0411

$1.50 Domestics$1.75 Wells

$2.00 Imports

Frattle of the Bands!WPGU Live - $1000 Prize!

$1.50 Bud You Call ItsDrafts & Bottles$2.50 Bacardi

$3.50 Vodka & Bam

School of BeerNo Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY!$5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR



PITCHER NIGHT!$2 Pitchers

$5 Well Pitchers

White Horse Karaoke! $7.50 Rum

and Coke Pitchers

WED

10/12

DOWNTOWN

Free Late-Night Shuttle? We Got That, Too.FREE WEEKEND SHUTTLE FROM 10:30PM-2:30AM TO DOWNTOWN AND CAMPUSTOWN • Resort-Style Pool

• Free Tanning Beds• Fitness Center• Washer/Dryer

• Individual Bathrooms• Pet Friendly• On-site maintenance

WE’VE GOT WHAT YOU NEED!

2001 Moreland Blvd | (217) 344-8800 | uvchampaign.com

Two shuttles to U of I campus, including late-night weekend service

(217) 353.6800 / www.villagecp.comText "COLBERT" to 47464 for Specials!

• 1, 2, 3 & 4 bedroom apartments and townhomes.• Individual bathrooms in all bedrooms.• Resort style swimming pool.

• Free internet, cable, water, trash and parking.• Washer & dryer in every apartment.• 24 hour fitness center & spa with free tanning.• Pet friendly!

and that’s not all!

Send in your pics to pics@theblacksheeponline or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com


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BartendersWeekof the

JoJo ErdenetstogtGeO'S

mAJOr: Integrative BiologyrelAtiOnship stAtus: A little here a little there.hOw Often dO yOu blAcKOut On ThE jOB? Every single time, it’s not a question anymore.whAt wOuld yOu dO if yOu wAlKed in On yOur pArents hAvInG SExuAl InTErcOurSE? Ew, I don’t even want to think about that.when did yOu stOp bAthing with yOur SIBlInGS? I never stopped.WOrST SEx pOSITIOn yOu’vE EvEr TrIED? The helicopter dick spin.if yOu cOuld be dOing Anything right nOw (besides bArtending) WhAT WOulD IT BE? The helicopter dick spin.WhAT’S ThE lAST cD yOu AcTuAlly BOuGhT? lIKE, MuST BE plAyed in A cd plAyer cd: Spice World DrEAM jOB? Trophy Wife or getting paid to pet furry things.wOuld yOu rAther be mAuled tO deAth by A girl scOut trOOp Or By A pAnThEr? I would rather not be mauled at all actually, thank you.describe yOur perfect guy/GIrl In unDEr 5 WOrDS. Creeper mustache, beer belly, sex offender, likes to cuddle, and hung like a horse... Oops, I went over 5.wOuld yOu rAther get A MuSTAchE rIDE Or A rIM jOB? Mustache ride, but only if it’s a porn star mustache.

relAtiOnship stAtus: Singleif yOu cOuld gO dOwn On AnyOne, whO wOuld it be And Why? Katy Perry; she has the purest vagina known to man.if yOu cOuld hAve yOur hOuse tO yOurself fOr A weeKend WhAT WOulD yOu DO? Kam’s and Silver Bullet party. 80’s rave, Lisa Lipon won’t get kicked out this time.wOuld yOu rAther licK the flOOr Of KAM’S Or rED lIOn? I’ll one up you, the pole at Silver Bullet.where wAs the first time yOu GOT TO SEcOnD BASE? Zach Meyer’s apartment when I visited Freshman year of high school. It was MIND BLOWING.STrIppEr nAME? Patrick BatemanWhO DO yOu hOpE ThE vIcTOrIA’S secret cOllegiAte shOwdOwn pErfOrMEr WIll BE? The girl who did this interview, seriously.whAt is One tAlent mOst peOple DOn’T KnOW ThAT yOu hAvE? I’m immortal, try me, I dare you...whAt cOlOr underweAr Are yOu WEArInG? Wrong day to go commando...hOw did yOu AsK/get AsKed tO hOmecOming in high schOOl? Took the girl who blew me under the bleachers at the game.whO wAs the lAst persOn yOu crEpT On fAcEBOOK? James Desanto’s previous beatdowns.crAziest thing A persOn hAs OffErED fOr A frEE DrInK? Whoah, nobody gets free drinks around here.

Mike MontemayorKAM'S

drinking game:

The STump Game Breakfast ToasterWho in their right mind doesn’t love breakfast for dinner? even people not in their right mind love it, and they take that love to places we sober people never dared to take them.

whAt yOu need: 1 sausage patty, 2 fried eggs, 2 slices of bread, 1/4 cup of milk/egg mixture, peanut butter, syrup and hot sauce are optional. cOOK time: 15 minutes, but it’ll feel like 50 years. fAtty fActOr: If it’s 4am, doesn’t this count as a balanced breakfast? We think so.lET’S GET BAKED:- Take a sausage patty and throw it into a hot pan; cook until there’s no more pink in the middle.- Next, fry up two eggs to your particular fried-egg delight. Once the sausage and eggs are done, remove them from the pan.- Dip your pieces of bread into the egg/milk mixture and cook it up on the stove top, like French toast. - Once the bread is fully cooked, remove them from the pan.- Spread peanut butter on both sides of the bread, and place the sausage and fried eggs between them. - Drizzle on syrup, hot sauce, or both.

See, getting toasted and doing something weird doesn’t always end bad! Now, the time you drank 4 cups of that Jungle Juice with everclear and started heckling a dying bush, that was pretty weird.

Are you feeling lucky or just sick of run-of-the-mill drinking games? Walk away from the beer pong table for a hot second and head outside for a round (or six) of the stump game. After all, chicks dig dangerous shit… right?

number Of plAyers: At least two.whAt yOu need: A big ass stump, one nail for each player and one hammer.hOw tO plAy:- The Stump Game is played around a big honkin’ stump. The objective is to have the last nail standing. - First, each player should slightly hammer a nail into the stump in a circle.- To determine the amount of whacks each player should get, he or she must toss the hammer in the air and catch it ON THE GrIP (if the hammer is not caught by the grip it is passed on to the next player). Each player will be able to earn a maximum of four whacks per turn. The difficulty of the executed catch determines the amount of whacks the player is to receive and are ranked as follows: - Straight up- 1 whack - Under the leg- 2 whacks - Behind the back- 3 whacks - Unique style catches (determined at the discretion of participants)- 4 whacks- If you catch the hammer, you try to drive your opponents nail into the stump. When your nail is completely into the stump you must shotgun a beer. The stump game has been said to get easier once you are a few beers deep.

the gAme ends when: Someone gets hurt, so after 10 minutes.

thirsty for more?

theblacksheeponline.com/drinkage

recipe for disaster:

BOOZE REVIEW

WE GO DRINKING SOME OlE SmOky TEnnESSEE mOOnShInEThinking of moonshine one harkens back to the days of yore, when men were men (and were missing teeth), cars topped out at sixty miles per hour and owning a gun was almost as common as owning a wife. Now women can vote (weird, right?), guns require permits, the fastest car in the world tops out at 267mph and one can buy a bottle of mass-produced rum that’s brewed to taste like whiskey. What place does bootleggin’ booze have in today’s world? There is one, and it requires loud music and dancing.

OriginAl cOrn whisKey: Grade: C-Overview: Moonshine is a lot like wasabi, too much of it will royally fuck your shit up, but in moderation it’s a delightful accent to whatever you’re applying it to. The Ole Smoky variety is no different, if you’re stupid enough to shoot it straight (stares at self) you’ll end up a quivering mess of hate, praying for the sweet release of death. Sip it or mix it and the express train to insanityville will let you off before it reaches the final destination.Tastes like: Good tequila mixed with high-octane gasoline.Drink It When: After a hard day at the office you come home and sit down in front of a nice, cozy fire with a good book and your cat, Mr. Mittens. After finishing your frozen dinner for one, you count down the minutes until you can hit the hay. This is the opposite of moonshine time.

Apple pie mOOnshine: Grade: AOverview: “American as apple pie” is a phrase that gets tossed around an awful lot these days, so it’s lost a lot of meaning. Now it’s all, “economic recession is American as apple pie,” and while that may be true, that’s not the intended purpose of the saying. The Ole Smoky Apple Pie moonshine aims to rectify that situation by being decidedly American, lifting your spirits with sweet lady spirit and tasting like apple pie. Few things could be better.

Tastes like: Apple pie that’ll get you shithoused.Drink It When: The Apple Pie Moonshine should be drunk any time you’re not re-quired to operate heavy machinery or do complex math. Because moonshine is a neutral spirit, there’s no weird oak aging or agave to muddle up the apple pie flavor, so this stuff tastes like liquid, American heaven. If your mom’s pie tasted half as good as this does, maybe kids wouldn’t have made fun of you for coming from a broken home when you were growing up.

mOOnshine cherries: Grade: B-Overview: There’s an old saying we’re making up just now that goes, “everything’s better when you’re drunk.” Maraschino cherries are no different. These babies have been soaked in 100 proof moonshine, so they’ll start sweet and end hot, kinda like how you imagined prom would go until your date fell off the runway at your proces-sion. Tastes like: We’re four again, and our parents just want us to go to bed.Drink It When: These moonshine-infused cherries are great for a party trick. What’s the trick, you ask? Leave them out and wait for unsuspecting members of the op-posite sex to notice them. Once they do, approach and say in your smoothest voice, “I’ll take your cherry if you take mine,” then seductively pop one in your mouth. If they follow suit, you’re golden.

Conclusion: There’s a time and a place for everything, and for Ole Smoky Tennessee Moonshine the time is...whenever, but the place is at a party. All three varieties we tested have their own merits, but the good parts are amplified by a party at-mosphere, while the negative traits are deadened by a good ole’ hootenanny. You wouldn’t watch porn with your grandma, so why would you drink high-proof spirits alone?

ReviewThE

PAGE


If you were conceived, born, lived, and/or raged in the 1990s, then consider yourself lucky. You, my friend, were born in the most delicious decade of all. The 90s had an abundance of music and movies that may have sucked, but we will stick by them forever because they’re from our time. It doesn’t matter how bad Julia Stiles’ perfor-mance was in 10 Things I Hate About You, every girl from our time will always hope that the “bad boy” will sing his heart out on the bleachers to her during soccer prac-tice. That’s just the thing, the music that we listened to on the radio while doing back flips off of the high dive at the public pool are the same songs we continue to listen to in college. In case you forgot the lines that you once considered lyrical gospel, I’ll take the liberty of filling you in on what you’ve been missing out on.

There’s a 90s song for every situation that you could find yourself in during the best four(ish) years of your life. Here are the more collegiate interpretations of some of your favorite 90s classics:

the breAKup: Yeah, everyone else knew that your “boyfriend” was cheating on you with that girl who supposedly loves to talk dirty in Swahili, but nobody wanted to tell you be-cause they knew that your definition of dating is differ-ent than his. You guys hooked up once after wine night, relax. Anyway, you’re probably really sad so take this one from your girl Alanis Morissette from the song, “You Oughta Know.” Honestly, you know she’s even dirtier than you!

“I want you to know, that I'm happy for youI wish nothing but the best for you both

An older version of meIs she perverted like me?

Would she go down on you in a theater”

brAinwAshing freshmAn intO dOing bAd things:Sometimes freshman just suck, especially when it takes them five minutes to order at Espresso royal and then they just end up getting a cup of water and a cookie anyway. If anyone ever gets fed up with these little boogers, then they should just take a peppy 90s sing-along song that sounds harmless, but is actually filled with naughty lyrics. It’s rumored that freshman will do anything, even bestiality, which is why you should brain-wash them into being drug addicts with these lyrics from Third Eye Blind’s “Semi-Charmed Life.”

“The sky it was gold, it was roseI was taking tips of it to my noseAnd I wish I could get back there

Some place back thereSmiling in the pictures you would take

Doing crystal methWill lift you up until you break”

cOnversing with bums: Sometimes it’s really hard to understand what these drunken sidewalk-stalkers are screaming when they shout miscellaneous insults about the size and shape of your nose. However, the only real way to guarantee a solid and intellectual conversation with these folk is to speak their language: Jibberish. Take it from Hanson’s “Mmmbop.”

“Mmm bop, ba duba dopBa du bop, ba duba dopBa du bop, ba duba dop

Ba du”

ADMITTInG ThAT yOu’rE A fAcEBOOK STAlKEr: There should probably be therapy groups for people to talk about their addiction to Facebook creeping. “Hi, I’m Cory, I… I….. *you can do it, Cory* I… am addicted to constantly looking through the pictures of my Stats pro-fessor!” You’re scary dude, and it’s time to get a reality check. In the 90s there were creeps, but nothing like what you are. Let radiohead’s “Creep” help you figure out that you’re obsession is not okay:

“But I'm a creepI'm a weirdo

What the hell am I doing here?I don't belong here”

When people wonder why hipsters are usually looked down upon, it’s because they’re totally stealing the out-fits from what we wore on the jungle-gym in first grade: Snap back, flannel, and high-waisted jeans. These outfits can get a little annoying to see being reproduced a de-cade later, but bringing back the jams of our generation is perfectly acceptable. Next time you DJ a house party for your seven friends don’t be afraid to whip out some oldies but goodies.

90s songs lyrIcs that nEvEr diEd

www.theblacksheeponline.com18grAcecAr wrOte this

10. lOOK lIKE crApYou know the only reason why you’ve been asked to any event is because your date is expecting you to squeeze into a Barbie-sized outfit and look hot, right? Come on, you thought he actu-ally liked you? No no, he’s just trying to show you off as, “The girl who looks easy,” and proceed to high-five his bros. But if you really want to piss him off and confuse his friends, show up in that floor-length, turtle neck dress that I know you still have.

9. AcT lIKE crApNo one likes a fussy bitch. Even babies are annoying when they’re fussy. So if you want to accomplish being the worst date to any sort of exchange, just act like a complete douchebag. Complain about how cold you are, complain about the shitty drinks, complain about your yeast infection... Whatever you can think of, just complain about it. And don’t forget to be extra pouty and talk like a toddler. You might even get slapped.

8. KnOW nO lIMITSAs someone’s date, alcohol is typically free at these events. If it’s not, well then you should probably question that frat’s in-tegrity and morals. So with all this free liquor around you, what else is there to do but to get completely shit-canned? You’re not there to have a few drinks and enjoy each other’s company like responsible adults; you’re there so that by the end of the night he’ll send you home by yourself in a taxi that accidentally heads straight to rantoul.

7. BArfThis doesn’t necessarily have to be alcohol-related. You can purposely drink spoiled milk or Chinese food that’s been left out for a week. Just make sure you build up a nice, steamy, chunky, bubbling, gurgling mound of vomit that you can unleash at any moment during the night. Because while being uncon-trollably drunk is annoying, the only thing worse than that is a girl who’s puking.

6. pASS OuT BEfOrE InEvITABlE “hOOK up”remember when I said the only reason you got asked to an exchange was so that you can dress like a slut? Well I lied. One way to be a horrible partner is to fall asleep before the magic happens. He will have schmoozed you with cheap liquor, danced with you all night, brought you all the way back to his place, and then got NOTHING in return. Nothing but a snoring broad who’s drooling on his favorite pillow.

5. hOOK up WITh SOMEOnE ElSEOh your poor, poor date. He musters up some courage, puts his heart out there by asking you to go to his Impromptu with him via Facebook chat, and then you shit on him. He even bought a brand new pastel-colored button up. All for what? For him to sit in the corner of the bar with a frown on his face his hands down his pants while you mack it with someone else? Yep.

4. BE A BOrENow, instead of his sitting in the corner with a frown and his hands down his pants, it’s your turn to sit alone like a weirdo. Except your hands won’t be down your pants, because that’s what fun people do. No dancing, no conversing, no making eye contact with anyone. You’ll have your date so bored that he’ll wish that he had stayed home and watched YouPorn videos in-stead.

3. GET In A fIGhT WITh SOMEOnESeeing a couple of girls get into a catty fight is more of a buzz kill than when a gothic person walks into a party. I’m not talk-ing about a physical fight where you pull each other’s hair and rip your bras off. Those are great! I’m talking about a scream-ing match over something that doesn’t even make sense, like a misunderstood hashtag on Twitter. This will probably make whoever you’re with want to punch themselves in the balls.

2. GET In A fIGhT WITh yOur DATELike I said, it’s all about picking a fight over something stupid, but this time, it will be on him. Scream in his face, start crying, and call him a “jerk.” Don’t forget to be extra dramatic and bring up something super personal out of nowhere, like how he forgot the anniversary of your dog’s death. You’ll have his head spinning in no time.

1. DOn’T ShOW up!I don’t think it’s possible to get any worse than not showing up at all. Especially if you don’t even make up an excuse or call him to tell him that you can’t actually make it. Leave him sitting and waiting like a lost kitten out in the wilderness. Sad image, huh? Yeah, that’ll show him!

cleves wrOte this

Ways to be the Worst Date at an exchange

THe Top Ten

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Your first time. It’s confusing. You’ve heard stories about the chaos, the insanity, the going hard in the paint. But when you reach the moment of truth, will you sink or swim? Will you prove you can rage with the elite and be the little engine that could? Or end up being the fly that drops before the beat does?

With so many questions and so much uncertainty, it’s important to really explore the status quo and prepare yourself for what lies ahead. Before deciding if you want to partake next time Sherwin-Williams comes to town, check out this guide of Frequently Asked Questions.

WhErE’S MOlly?Multiple people will ask you about her, and you’ll begin to wonder just who this girl is and where she’s hiding. Don’t be alarmed by the amber alert; it will be similar to a ‘Where’s Waldo?’ activity, only no one publicly screams when/if they find her so you never really know. Just ignore it and do you, dancing queen.

IS ThIS A BuSInESS cASuAl EvEnT?If by, “business casual,” you mean, “white on white on white with accents of neon bras,” then yes, yes it is. Bros will rock out hard in standard shorts and tees (does bro code ever change? Hint: it doesn’t). The ladies on the other hand sport some sultry ripped up shirts and take it way down to trash town. There will be a direct correla-tion between event time and rippage/loss of clothing.

Yikes, soul sisters letting lose, hide the cameras.

IS ThErE A fIrE SAfETy cODE?Hmm yea about that…okay if claustrophobia is on your list of health aliments, you may want to take a few chill pills before you enter the party zone. Not that I saw people praying they wouldn’t get stampeded if things got rowdy, but that definitely happened. If you’re prone to panic attacks, drifting into the endless sea of sweaty bodies is a bad life choice.

WIll ThErE BE rAnDOM pEOplE GrInDInG On ME? Depends. If you’re mildly attractive or can at least ap-pear so in a dark crowded room, yes. If you’re a bizarro and lurk in the corners, no. regardless, you’ll have some prime grinding opportunities with strangers. Yeah some of which will be involuntary due to close quarters, but you’ll take it (because you can’t really move away anyways). Meet and gropes, holler!

WIll pAInT SquIrT In My EyEBAllS?Meh, to answer this question I will refer to the fondest memory of every high school science classes, “Karen never wore her safety goggles. Now she doesn’t have to.” Moral of the story, bring your goggles or some sunglasses or eye patches or those Kanye slitty shades.

If you have any further questions, please email us at [email protected].

lenz wrOte this

faQ for ravE virgins


WAH! SIWENYAH! After all these years I still have no idea what gibberish chant-ing ensues to start off the film's popular track, The Circle of Life. Everyone kind of has their own version though, and when the movie starts and the sun rises some-where on the African plateau, I get goose-bumps of nostalgia all over my scrotum.

Back on September 16, one of our per-sonal favorites from 90's childhood resur-faced in a very real way. The Lion King stepped into another dimension and the “circle” of life slowly protruded into an incredibly complicated sphere, or cylin-der. As I sat in the Goodrich 16 in Savoy this weekend with a bottle of chocolate milk and a strand called “wild woman” in my brain, my inner boy was viciously tick-led into joy. I couldn't resist singing along to all of the classic musical numbers, like “Hakuna Matata,” “I Just Can't Wait To Be King,” and “Be Prepared” even though it kind of freaked out the kids. But fuck the kids because this isn't for them. It's for our generation. Frankly, there were actu-ally no children in the theater, only young adults, which I thought was pretty awe-some.

Now, I know some of you are like “why would I go see a movie in theaters that I've already seen like 400 times?” Stop be-ing such a negative Newman. It really was a magical experience and to be honest, there are a lot of things in the movie that I didn't catch as a youngin'. Like do you remember the sexual tension between Simba and Nala? Jeeze, I've never had a wet dream about a lioness before, but this is the most excited I've gotten for a cartoon since Lola Bunny or Jessica rab-bit (Why do I sound like I have a rabbit fetish?)

Another scene I found particularly hi-larious was the one with the song “Be Prepared.” Scar is tired of being unim-portant to the Kingdom so he comes up with the terrible, but plot-based plan to kill Mufasa, the king of the jungle, and his cub Simba. The hyenas accompany Scar as he finds himself giving a rhythmic rant about how he's going to 187 on that bitch and take the kingdom. Anyways, things go from gangster's paradise to the Third reich, Scar stands above the hyenas like Hitler over his armies during WWII and the hyenas march by in perfect Nazi form.

Hidden messages much?There's also that little tidbit of “sex”

when Simba, now a grown adult, finds himself lost in the desert searching for a way to put his past behind him. Yup, right when he plops down on a cliff in hopeless-ness, a cloud of dust flies up forming the word “sex.” This one is not as obvious, but it's definitely a more famous mishap.

What a cast too. Ferris Bueller becomes the King, Darth vader turns away from the dark side as Hamlet's Dad, Cheech part-ners up with Whoopi Goldberg and some crackhead named Ed, and Marcus from Smart Guy gets dooped and stuffed un-der the blinding light that is the career of Johnathon Taylor Thomas.

Overall, I give this movie an A, not be-cause of an awesome soundtrack, my fa-vorite hidden messages, or star-studded cast, but because of one of the most in-spiring characters in the history of Dis-ney: raffiki. raffiki is the coolest blue-assed baboon who's wisdom of squashed bananas can change the world. We are all better people because of raffiki.

byrnes saw thIs and gave It a...

sYnoPsis:“hakuna Matata” means no worries, because this flick’s still awesome...

thE lion king 3d

dirEctor: roger allers, rob Minkoff

starring: Matthew broderick, Jeremy Irons, James earl Jones

A+based on the trailer

stArring: Mary-Elizabeth Winstead, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Eric Christian Olsen, Joel EdgertonwhAt yOu need tO KnOw: A research team is all smiles after making a discovery of some sort of ancient-life on Antarctica. However, our hero Kate Lloyd (played by Mary-Elizabeth Winstead) has a totally legitimate concern about the ancient specimen they have found...what could be wrong?whAt we thinK: Yikes, this remake of the original seems to be pretty intense. Imagine if your bitchy roommate was taken over by an ancient evil… THING! It will probably be worth watching when it appears on your roommate’s Netflix queue.

the thing oct. 14

stArring: Katie Featherston whAt yOu need tO KnOw: Katie Featherson plays a mother living in a haunted house with her family. In an attempt to logically explain the eerie happenings around the house, she puts video cameras all over the house to monitor what happens at night. This reveals their kids doing creepy things—such as jumping off the banister only to climb back up the stairs and talking to an “imaginary” friend. Horror ensues.whAt we thinK: I mean, if you liked Paranormal 1 and 2 then you would probably like this one as well. After all, it does seem to have the exact same creepy plot as the past two films...and was probably shot at the same time...

Paranormal activity 3 oct. 21

stArring: Dennis Quaid, Julianne Hough, Kenny WormaldwhAt yOu need tO KnOw: Similar to the original Footloose, a city boy— ren MacCormack (played by Kenny Wormald) moves to Bomont, a boring small town in America’s south from bustling Boston. To make matters worse he finds out that the city has completely outlawed dancing after the tragic loss of a group of teens a few years earlier. whAt we thinK: The cast of this film is extremely good looking. Although many of us have probably seen the original at least twice, it will still be fun to drool over the plethora of beautiful human beings gathered onto one screen. Plus a Kevin Bacon cameo.

footloose oct. 14

This was Stephen King's first big hit...and it was a blood bath!

In King Kong, this actress gets taken to the top of the Empire

State Building...

In The King's Speech, Colin Firth did a bang-up job

portraying this stuttering king...

Street Kings was awful, but did have this actor

who was in The Last King of Scotland...

answers are a few from hereit's good to BE kingon dvdOctOber 4:

Fast FiveScream 4

Boy Meets World: Season 7 (the last one)The League: Season 2

OctOber 11:Green LanternHorrible Bosses

Tree of LifeThe Zookeeper

Workaholics: Season 1

the movie page


Das racistthe interview

out now

real, old school fans of Feist have known her since her beautiful, whispering words in the nearly decade old tune “Lover’s Spit,” when she was a more prominent member of the Canadian band Broken Social Scene in which, not so beautifully (or, whatever, some of you weirdoes might find it hot), she sang about people giving blow jobs. New fans of Feist know her from that catchy-ass tune from an iPod Nano commercial which, coincidentally, was the only song off of The Reminder that she didn’t write. Ironic? Well, yes, and the fact that little ole’ Leslie Feist is practically a household name now. Who knew she got her start singing about semen?

Feist’s third album Metals comes over a year after the aforementioned album, a few Grammy nominations and that one damn hit “One Two Three Four.” Despite the extreme success of that song, the rest of The Reminder is by far Feist’s best solo stuff to date — it’s passionate, genuine, at times upbeat and at times perfectly sentimental. But Feist has always done that so well, juxtaposing both genres in a listenable, creative, successful way. But where Metals has plenty of the slow, soft-spoken songs to put yourself in a weird mood, there isn’t any of the upbeat to balance out the lows with the highs.

The opening track “The Bad in Each Other” is an optimistic start and teases the listener; the track is heavy-ish and actually somewhat fast paced, but is unlike the rest of the album. The songs that aren’t entirely depressing (“How Come You Never Go There”) are, to be blunt, lame and uninteresting. “Woe Be” is her best from the second half of the album, still desperately slow and soft but with a more interesting guitar sounds and beautiful vocals.

It’s not surprising that Metals is so far removed from her last two albums — she practically hid out in the prairies of France to write this album, and it only took her, oh, a year to find the inspira-tion to start making music again. It’s a shame that she seemingly “lost it,” and it’s no doubt that the unexpected national attention of that one stupid song kind of threw her off. Well, it’s not stupid, it really is a great song. But it’s sad that it became totally commercialized, which was clearly never Feist’s intent. Oh well, she can always bask in all of her royalty’s and remember the days of singing about jizz.

sOunds liKe: The inside of a tear drop. dOwnlOAd: The Bad in Each Other, Woe Belisten tO it when: You’re not contemplating suicide, but want to.

upcomIng releasesjack's Mannequin: People & ThingsMayday parade: Mayday ParadeMisfits: The Devil's rainScott Mccreery: Clear As Day

Styles p: Master Of CeremoniesThe Misfits: The Devil's rainBen lee: Deeper Into DreamsWilliam Shatner: Seeking Major Tom

Metals fEist C-one, tWo, three, foUr no more.

cd revieW

Don’t worry guys, we didn’t interview the entity that is racism. Das Racist is a trio of multi-ethnic dudes from Brooklyn whose unconventional style has landed them on multiple “best of” lists and on the stages of dozens of high-profile music festivals. Their latest album relax just dropped and they’re coming to a city near you...soon. We chatted with them about live perfor-mances, growing up, and ideal fast food combinations.

TBS: You guys have a very energetic live show. Offstage are you guys pretty animated, or are you pretty mellow?Das racist: Yeah, more than like your average moron-like manner. To be honest, the way I think about it – which I never have before you asked me about it – I guess when we started doing shows we would be drunk or high a lot, so that kind of energy was from something we were do-ing offstage. Now it’s not quite the case. It’s just something that I’ve gotten used to doing and it’s kind of the only way I know how to do something up there.

So we’re doing a rap show, we don’t really have a guitar and keyboard and whatever, so, I mean, what are we going to do? Then we’re getting completely bored on stage, you know, standing around on a small area for 45 minutes to an hour. Like, you can imagine if whatever room you’re in right now I locked the doors and like, you just have to hang out for an hour. You know, and most people need something to do, and we don’t want to be boring and be completely wasting everybody’s time.

TBS: You mentioned that you’d go on stage and be drunk or on some sort of drug. As you’ve taken this more seriously as a career, is that something that you’ve purposely toned down or are you just getting more mature? Das racist: The way we started out, we’d sometimes do gigs for like $50 or it’d be for drink tick-ets. So when you’re doing a show for drink tickets, you’re obviously going to get drunk because they’re giving you drink tickets and no money. So I think being mature, maybe, I don’t know, that word kind of sounds ridiculous. It just got boring, you know what I mean? And also, if my

job is to tour and I’m going to have to do five shows in a row while traveling and waking up at 6 in the morning, I can’t feasibly get fucked up every night because it wouldn’t be fun anymore, it’d be impossible to wake up and not be in a terrible mood. And it’s just boring: I’m like 26-years-old, what am I going to do, get fucked up in front of a bunch of 18, 19-year-old kids?

TBS: You guys get a lot of critical acclaim, from MTV, Spin, Rolling Stone, etc. Do you guys consider that at all when you’re making musical deci-sions?Das racist: It is appreciated, but, you know, it’s not like “Whoa! This staff writer at Spin likes something we made!” it’s more like “Whoa, a lot of people buy Spin at the airport who have never heard of us,” you know? I mean, it’s always nice to hear nice things, whatever, but it’s not like we’re so “Oh, we’re going do what we’re going to do regardless!” Like, what else am I going to read, something about some other guy? I’d rather read about myself. Yeah, I definitely keep up and shit, but it’s not that big of a deal.

TBS: So you guys have relax, your new album that just came out. How does a group like you guys go about constructing a song? Das racist: Well, I mean, we’ll first kind of write in the studio, sometimes someone will have some verses or parts of verses worked out and they’ll bring those in. It’s not a completely collaborative process. If you’re listening to it, the two guys don’t even sound very much alike, they don’t rap very similarly. So, it’s collaborative in that they usually record in the same studio and they record together a lot of the time, but other than that it’s not like coming in together with two notepads on their lap and a guy playing a beat and they’re listening to the beat… but that actually does happen a little bit. (laughs) I think it’s kind of two different processes going on at the same time, rather than like peeking over another person’s shoulder and see what they’re doing.

TBS: What would be on your perfect sandwich?Das racist: I don’t even like sandwiches that much. Bacon, avocado, cheese, tomato? On some sourdough bread.

TBS: You guys have an album called combination pizza hut and Taco Bell. If you could combine any two fast food franchises, which would you choose?Das racist: Maybe fuckin’ Panera Bread and Chipotle. Or In-N-Out Burger and Quiznos.

TBS: Drink of choice?Das racist: Water, and champagne.

>>>

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Madl ib : A Story of IneloquenceSo there I was man, in class, and I was all “__1__ this __2__, I don’t

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Illinois - 10/5/11 - v19i08