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Spring is here and friendships are blossoming! This month we wanted to focus on what the true meaning of friendship is. Do you consider yourself a good friend? What steps can you take to be an even better friend? Think about it. This month we also got to talk with iCandi's 2nd Facebook Top Model Winner Joy Phillips of Cincinnati, Ohio. So sit back relax and be prepared for lots of Candi.
Citation preview
iCandi’s Facebook Top Model WinnerJOY PHILLIPS
Friendship, Brotherhood & SisterHood:Does it exist in 2012?
He/She’s Trying to CHANGE Me
(article by DJ Chris Paul)
Music ReviewsWho is Marissa Alexander?
Friendship is a
Two-Way Street
(by Melissa Howe)
May 2012
04 Dear iCandi
06 Who Were The Maroons
08 Music Reviews
12 Joy Phillips: iCandi’s Top Model Winner
17 Who is Marissa Alexander
20 He/She’s Trying to Change Me! (article by DJ Chris Paul
22 Friendship is a Two-Way Street! (by Melissa Howe)
contents
iCandiLandPublisher
Editor
Jamaal A. [email protected]
Featured Blogger
Carl A. Robertshttp://goodmendocheat.blogspot.com/
Graphics & PhotographySouthern Stylez [email protected]
Leamaj [email protected]
Shannon D PhotographyShannonDPhography.com
Our Writers
Millard MorganShiwanna ChapmanMeghan WilliamsMichael JayceJamaal A. BivensDeanna BrewsterMelissa HoweTawanda Brice
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAY BABIES!Barry Bondz 5/1Valarie Monique 5/1DeWayne Mcneal 5/4Nia C Louis 5/7Mary-Ann Williams 5/13Derrick Johnson 5/13T-No5/13Teokia Cephas 5/15
Jaydra Graves 5/15Jarvis Walker 5/17James Lewis 5/19Bonita King-Long 5/21LaTora Thurman 5/21Kenyatta Gibson 5/29
and all of our other iCandi Supporters....
Dear iCandi,
**in my Hi-Five singing voice* She’s Playing Hard To Get!! Why do women love to play this game? It’s obvious that she’s feeling me but she has me runing around like a puppy dog, performing tricks like she’s not all that into me. What’s up? Why can’t a woman just be upfront and let me know that’s she’s down? P.S. I hear you ae the type that plays hard to get (from a reliable source) ;-)
Antonio
What’s up Tony (I can call you that right?)
Let me clear up the rumor: I don’t PLAY hard to get. I am a rare, precious, and priceless jewel and I KNOW IT! Great things don’t come easy and I am great. I think women have lost respect for themselves and all a man has to do is buy you a drink or wink in her direction and she’s ready to bend it over. Well not me!! Now I’m not judging the women that don’t operate the same way as I, but don’t assume because some women are “easier” to get that we all operate by those same guidelines. Now that I have gotten that out, have you ever thought that maybe she’s worth the hard work it takes to get her? You know what they say; “Good things don’t come easy." I find it funny that men are willing to put in hard work for their careers and their sports but not for their women. Is a woman not as valuable to you as those things? Think about it. This could be your potential wife, the mother of your children, your lifetime best friend, your ride or die chick, and she’s not worth putting in effort? Hmmmm...makes me a little sad. Anyway, if you’re looking for an easy ride, those women do exist. Maybe you are looking out of your league. Good Luck Tony :-)
MsiCandi
BUCKS WITH BUX
With us focusing on friendship, sisterhood, and brotherhood for the month of May what better way to do it with Memorial Day? Can't figure out what to do without spending a whole bunch of money? Pay close attention. You can plan a group activity, such as a softball game. It gives everyone the opportunity to interact with one another. Sit down with the family and write letters to the troops. This saves money and the whole group can talk about what they are writing to the troops. Do a picnic lunch, with all your friends' and your own favorites, sit back and enjoy the weather. :-) Last but not least, enjoy the free fireworks displa;y it won't cost you anything and it is a night of fun that you and your family/friends would have.
**GET YOUR “CANDI BANDS”**SUPPORT SUPPORT SUPPORT!!!! DON'T FORGET TO ORDER
YOUR CANDIBANDS TODAY!!! NOT TOMORROW BUT TODAY! Order your "Candi Band," take a pic, and let me add you to the iCandi
V.I.P Wall of Fame!! Do you support iCandi?? http://www.icandipro.com/The-Candi-Store.html
Who Were The Maroons?(Why was there brotherhood special)
This month I got a call from Ms. iCandi saying, “Insight, I need you to write something about Brotherhood." I told her that is right up my alley. Now, I’m a person who loves to learn from others, especially those great ancestors and elders of ours. I thought about who showed brotherhood like no one else, and no one did it like the Maroons. I'll share a little bit about these very brave brothas, and how we all can learn a few things from them.
During the 18th century, the powerful Maroons, escaped ex-slaves who settled in the mountains of Jamaica, carved out a significant area of influence. Through the use of slave labor, the production of sugar in this British colony flourished. But the courageous resistance of the Maroons threatened this prosperous industry. These efforts included plantation raids, the killing of white militiamen, and the freeing of slaves. The threat to the system was clear and present; hence, the planters were willing to sign a treaty with the Maroons in 1738. The treaty offers good insight to the relationship between the planters and the Maroons at the time, and deserves further attention.
On March 1, 1738, the articles of pacification with the Maroons of Trelawny Town signaled to Jamaica that a new era was emerging. The English planters had feared the rising power of the Maroons, and therefore
tried to subdue them. This proved to be unsuccessful, consequently causing the English to realize that making peace with the Maroons was the only possible solution. This treaty was the first of its kind and it demonstrated that a group of rebellious ex-slaves had forced a powerful class of planters to come to terms. This was an unlikely event during the eighteenth century, given the dominance of the planter class across the Caribbean. Yet the fact remains that the treaty did not solely serve the planters’ interest. For example, article three of the treaty states that the Maroons were given 1500 acres of crown land, a necessity for the Maroons to maintain their independent way of life. In addition, it made a boundary between the Maroons and the planters, which was to avoid future conflicts.
Another example of an unbiased stipulation is article eight of the treaty, which states: "that if any white man
shall do any manner of injury to Captain Cudjoe, his successors, or any of his or their people, shall apply to any commanding officer or magistrate in the neighborhood for justice." This showed some equity under the law between the Maroons and the planters. Furthermore, the fifth article of the treaty specifies "that Captain Cudjoe, and all the Captain’s adherents, and people now in subjection to him, shall all live together within the bounds of Trelawny Town, and that they have liberty to hunt where they shall think fit, except within three miles of any settlement, crawl, or pen; provided always, that in case the hunters of Captain Cudjoe and those of other settlements meet, then the hogs to be equally divided between both parties." In other words, the English planters were willing to divide the game equally amongst themselves and the Maroons, but more importantly, they were giving the latter the liberty to hunt freely.
Although the articles of pacification granted the Maroons of Jamaica many privileges, it also attempted to limit their attacks against the system of slavery in general. There were hints of favoritism towards the planters; for example, article thirteen required that the Maroons continue to help clear roads from Trelawny Town to Westmoreland, and, if possible, from St. James to St. Elizabeth. I could talk about these brothas for hours, but I hope this prompts you to go look up more info on these brothas who showed their true BROTHAHOOD.
Monica - New LifeRCA Records, 2012
Monica is back with a brand new album, a brand new husband, and a brand new life. Aptly titled, this album sounds like something Monica should have released a few years ago; this is what her Makings of Me album should have been. This isn't her best album to date (that being her debut), but it's definitely much better than her last two or three offerings. Fans of those forgettable, upbeat songs of hers might want to avoid this album, because the focus is where it should be, and that's her voice. Songs like the single with Brandy, "It All Belongs to Me" and "Take A Chance", which features Wale, sound great, but it's the ballads that really let Monica shine vocally. "Time to Move On" lets her rip, and "Without You" is a great song, but "Cry" is by far the best song on this album vocally. There are a couple missteps, but overall, it's a decent album.(4 Stars)(B+)
Music Reviews by J. Antoinne
K'Jon - Moving OnShanachie Records, 2012
K'Jon has been on the underground circuit for years, but folks really started taking heed to him with his infectious single "On the Ocean" which, go figure, was originally recorded in 2005. Nevertheless, he's been fairly consistent in his albums in not overreaching his range. On this album, there's a balance of mainstream uptempos and nice, soulful laid-back grooves and melodies. The first half of the album is dedicated to the lovers of urban radio, with "Superman" leading off, and "Bad Gurl" and "On Everything Pt. 2" carrying that further. The latter half is soulful mastery at its best, even the midtempo songs. "Wonderland" featuring a relatively unknown Mistee Merritt is an amazing duet, and "Moving On" and "The Reason" are worth the price of the album by themselves. This is probably one of the best albums of 2012, thus far.(4.5 Stars)(A)
SWV - I Missed UsEntertainment One Records, 2012
There were many folks biting their nails waiting for this album, a good fifteen years since the trio's last album. Fans near and far have been waiting for these women to put out some new music, and that they did with this effort. And, seemingly, it's just that, an effort. It's definitely not Grammy material, but it's not horrible. Fans are either going to like it because of its catchy hooks and colloquialisms (a la "Better Than I" or "All About You" and its old school flair) or they'll feel slighted because there's no real ballads, save for another remake of Patti LaBelle's "If Only You Knew," which isn't too bad. There are real gems in the songs "Keep You Home" and "Use Me", but they just may get lost in the shuffle of this album trying too hard to be current. Sisters With Voices...and production.(3.25 Stars)(C)
Ruben Studdard - Letters from BirminghamShanachie Records, 2012
Ruben Studdard is best known as being the winner of the second season of the hit show American Idol, but none of his albums are ever really memorable. His singles have been hit or miss, mainly misses, with the lone exception being his remake of Luther Vandross's "Superstar". However, his voice has always remained constant, and he uses it remarkably, as usual, on this album. This album is going to remain largely unnoticed, and that's a shame, because this is probably his best album, wholly. Sure, you get the typical uptempos like "Do It Right" featuring Chrisette Michele, which is nice, and "Turn You Out" with the old school flair, but when Ruben sings, he sangs. "Her 4 U" is brilliant, "Today (Hallelujah!)" is awesomeness, and "What's the Reason" is magnificent, and the smooth cover of Bobby Brown's "Rock Witcha" is a pleasant surprise. Keep on singing, Ruben; keep on singing.(4.25 Stars)(A)
Don't Miss This!Throwback albums that you probably don't have (BUT SHOULD)
Phajja - Seize the MomentThis overlooked CD had some awesome songs that people truly missed out on. Their remake of Christopher Cross's "Sailing" and the a capella "I Need You" are awesome.
Silk - Love SessionThe quintet's most overlooked album happens to be their finest. Their remake of Rick James's "Ebony Eyes" and songs like "Don't Go" and "Nursery Rhymes" are worth their weight in gold.
THE MOST ABOUT THE 90s
What DoYou Remember?
Shiwanna SHI ChapmanDANCING
Masheeakh SettlesProbably stage a boycott of the show until I received a contract negotiation which included 45% owner ship of all
intellectual property of the show
Davi JaeWanting to be on EVERY game show Nickelodeon had: Double Dare, Wild
and Crazy Kids, What Would You Do?, Nick Arcade, Legends of the Hidden Temple, G.U.T.S., Global
G.U.T.S., Get The Picture, etc.
Chris WardBLACK SITCOMS, MARTIN , FRESH
PRINCE, MOESHA, FAMILY MATTERS ETC.
JinxBill Clinton
@Devanrmoni Music ,FREAKNIC , and Clubs
@SINAFOLD my grandfathers were still alive
@CrownJewelzHair The Southside of Chicago, where I grew up!
@GRYNDHOUSZ NAUGHTY BY NATURE/JODECI/INTRO/GUY/SWV/BIGGY/PAC/MARY J/FAITH/BBD
@MAKAEL86 The cartoons
@MsShan22 graduating, getting my own apt & car
Brian KeithThe music hands down...Baaaaad Booooy
ran the 90s@deejaymillz Freaknik ATL, for me it wasn't about freakin off, it was about partying & meeting our people from every region of the country
JOY PHILLIPSMsiCandi: What aspect of modeling do you enjoy the most?
Joy: I enjoy all aspects of modeling. I have grown a passion for photography due to being an expressive yet nonverbal communicator. A picture really says a thousand words! It's great, it is a form of art; need I say more? (Laughs)
MsiCandi: Watching you showcase your creativity during the Facebook top model competition was intriguing. Where did you get your inspiration?
Joy: My inspiration to compete and complete each challenge was inspired by observation and experience. Every day is truly a blessing and challenge in itself; life is a box of chocolates and you never know what you'll get. (Laughs) Literally these days!
MsiCandi: Out of all of the challenges for the Top Model Competition, which was your favorite to do and why?
Joy: All the challenges rocked and with this being my first global (because Facebook is global, right? (Smiles)) competition, the Gothic challenge was fascinating; hands down definitely my favorite. Gothic opened up my eyes to something new and pushed me outside my comfort zone. It was amazing for sure and I received many positive responses. Performing in front of the camera/runway IS my stage and I think it's time to introduce the world something new: ME.
MsiCandi: What's next for Joy? Do you want to further modeling or do you want to eventually branch out to a different field?
Joy: What's next for Joy? More modeling and acting for certain I have faith this career choice will shoot through the roof for me in due time. I know it takes hard work and dedication, and I am determined. I continuously work daily to remain focused giving modeling/acting my all. I've fallen madly in love with modeling, and my current work demonstrates me reaching; I'm reaching for the stars. Sometimes you just have to live MÁS (more).
MsiCandi: If an agent, photographer, etc. wanted to get in touch with you for booking, where (how) could they reach you?
Joy: " E-mail : [email protected] " Facebook/[email protected]" Comp-Card
iCandi’s Facebook Top Model II WinnerJoy won “fan favorite” repeatedly”. She took the challenges and ran with them. Itʼs no surprise that she won the contest. Representing her city Cincinnati (OH) she did her thing!!
MsiCandi: Let me start by saying congratulations for winning the second edition of iCandi's Facebook Top Model Competition
Joy: Thank you again! I've been working very hard and modeling is a certainly a new avenue for me. I've always been photogenic, but receiving public feedback is a new aspect. It can get crazy.
MsiCandi: When did you first gain interest in modeling?
Joy: I first gained interest in modeling 2 1/2 years ago along with acting. There came a turning point in my life and the idea of modeling sparked fire in my brain and I gained a strong interest. My first photo shoot was mind blowing, so I considered showing my support team. Listening to their positive words encouraged me to push harder and things took off. I enrolled myself into modeling and acting school, completed in December of 2010, and signed with a couple of agencies. Doing so allowed me to gain experience doing fashion shows for department stores (runway/fashion) and local radio station events.
JOY PHILLIPS iCandi’s NEXT FACEBOOK TOP MODEL
Winner of 2nd National Online ContestGET TO KNOW MORE ABOUT JOY PHILLIPS
In Our Angel HandsThomas Chapman (The Legend)
Carlos Jeff & FamilyBerdie Lewsis “Sista Mama”
The Barnes FamilyKaren DanielsToria & Family
Kevin “Kdaddy” HicksJoanne WilliamsNevaeh Mccoy
Phyllis Evans & FamilyJose Aldanondo
Robin SmithAnn Smith
Lillian SmithCheryl O’Coner
Alicia Hearing & FamilyMatt & Michael ThompsonAmber “Big Sexy” Johnson
Tila Frost & FamilyHolly Carrigg & Family
Jane BoylesJennie Mathis
Bonita King-LongZahbria Thomson
Junita BonnerJasson Haynes
Catherine Haynes
Shimika Haynes
Marissa Alexander
iCandi Supporters & Their Families
William & “Candy” King Kandace Pyles
Brycee & Cameron JeffJP
James RomanoAnna Brown
Jerome SwansonJames “Jellybean” House
Patricia KirklandScott Burrows Sr.
John Bruce Gilmore Jr.Julia Ann HicksLeRoy Morgan
Nadene McGowanReshaud JacksonJames Revels Jr.
Betty BaileySally RowlandJannie Tubbs
Theodore Perry
iCandi Angels R.I.P.
If you haven’t been paying attention to the news, let me introduce you to Marissa Alexander. She was just sentenced twenty years in prison for shooting her registered gun in the air to scare her abusive husband off when her threatened her life. No one was killed or injured. I’ve actually done my
research and heard BOTH sides of the story. Her husband admits to being an abusive man. He’s stated that he’s physically abused 4 out of 5 of his children’s mothers. He also admitted to threatening Marissa’s life the day of the incident. When you “google” this case, the one thing you will catch is that she was able to get away from her husband and ran into the garage, but came back into the house with a gun. YES, she went back into the house, but the garage door was jammed and she had no other option. In the husband’s deposition he stated that he knew she had to come back in and he was waiting for her. But let’s not even discuss that. Let's talk bout why this woman was sentenced the maximum amount of time for NOT harming anyone. A mother, a battered wife! Twenty years!!!! Our justice system has truly failed us. We have a 17-year-old child murdered for “looking” suspicious to an overbearing neighbor, someone that went against the police’s orders and decided that he was to take the law into his own hands. Marissa however,
followed the law. She got a gun permit, bought and registered a gun, shot a warning shot to tell her abuser to back off and she gets the max in jail, while Trayvon’s murder is out on bail, receiving all type of donations for his legal fees. WHERE IS THE JUSTICE?
Who is our justice system really made to protect? Are women to now assume that when in an abusive relationship JUST DEAL WITH IT; don’t stand up for yourselves because they will turn it around and lock you up? We live in really messed up world. We can no longer be quiet. We can no longer ignore these issues. You could be next! I could be next! Our children could be next! It’s time to get involved and make some noise.
To find out more information about Marissa Alexander's case and how you can get involved go to the following places below. Let’s move on this! It’s time to make a CHANGE!!
~MsiCandi~
Sign The Petition
Make a Donation
More Info on the Case
I guess it’s wrong for a woman to defend herself from an abusive man.
Who is “our” Justice System
REALLY made to protect?
RECIPES OF THE MONTHdEviled Eggs
Ingredients
• 7 large eggs, hard boiled and peeled
• 1/4 cup mayonnaise
• 1 1/2 tablespoons sweet pickle relish
• 1 teaspoon prepared mustard
• Salt and pepper, for taste
• Paprika, for garnishing
• Sweet gherkin pickles sliced, for garnishing
• Pimentos, for garnishing
Directions
Halve 7 eggs lengthwise. Remove yolks and place in a small bowl.
Mash yolks with a fork and stir in mayonnaise, pickle relish, and mustard. Add salt and pepper, to taste.
Fill egg whites evenly with yolk mixture. Garnish with paprika, pickles and pimentos. Store covered in refrigerator.
WW
W.
IC
AN
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PR
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DON’T FORGET TO GET YOUR GEAR READY FOR THE ICANDI 90s HOUSE
PARTY MIXER!!!MSICANDI & THE GO2GURL
ARE READY!!!
MAY’S MOTIVATION!!
CHANGE vs ADJUSTING are two different things when talking about relationships and love.
So my homeboy, whoʼs married, keeps on talking about how his wifey is trying to change him by requesting/stating some very reasonable things. My homie says “I aint changing for nobody…much less her. Iʼm gonna do what Iʼm gonna do and he/she is gonna deal with it. Thatʼs just the way I feel about it and thatʼs that!” I say, “Bruh, she hasnʼt asked you to change your opinion or to do anything unreasonable." Whether you like it or not, every good relationship will require some amount of adjusting (because no two people are the same…soulmate or not…one might argue that your soulmate will adjust without you having to ask). Let's begin:
UNDERSTAND THIS: When you truly love somebody, these types of statements will not come out of your mouth. You must be honest with yourself and figure out your true feelings for that person. Realize that adjusting, which most confuse with changing, will almost be subconscious for you, with the man/woman you fall in love with. Even when itʼs not subconscious, you will mentally take note of her wants/needs/desires and consciously make the effort to adjust to those things (because you want to) and validate her feelings. It is this indescribable feeling to give of yourself and to compromise without effort that makes being in love special and different from other less fruitful relationships that you didnʼt give a damn about.
Furthermore, the person needing/wanting/requesting some adjustment or compromise will love you more intensely and appreciate you more for your efforts. Also, you will see that your “efforts” will somewhat seem “effortless” (in comparison to other relationships) when you are really into your loved one and the relationship.
Realize that your slightest adjustment GOES A LONG WAY FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND MUCH FURTHER THAN YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE.
Letʼs SIMPLIFY it (and not use a relationship example) so that you can get the point. Imagine that youʼre at the office, you have a full load, and you donʼt have time to get everything done. If you ask Billy to help you out with an errand or two and he makes an adjustment from his routine to staple your reports and to run your newsletter to the mailroom, you will experience a subtle sense of appreciation for him. You may never need anything
else from Billy, but the one time that he made an adjustment for you went a long way and earned him some points.
Now, letʼs MAGNIFY it (and letʼs use a relationship example). He says to you. “ I feel like we never have a weekend to ourselves. You go out with your girls all the time and whenever you donʼt have to work on a Friday, you are out with them. Iʼm a bit uneasy with the fact that we can't ever go dancing on a Friday night." If your answer is “Man, you know I go out with the girls on Friday. Quit trippin'," then you have the game messed up or either he isnʼt the one for you. LISTEN CLOSELY. That man hasnʼt asked you to give up going out with the girls on Friday. He hasnʼt asked you to change.
He/She’s trying to CHANGE ME
“Change vs Adjusting are two
different things when talking
about relationships and
love”
Written by DJ Chris Paul
He has merely expressed his discomfort with not being able to spend a Friday night with you. If you are serious about your relationship with him, building solidarity, and loving him, then you will make the necessary adjustment. Adjusting doesnʼt mean that you have to stop going out on Fridays. It means that maybe once a month, or maybe even every 2.5 months, hell maybe 3 times a year, you will clear your Friday for him. Yes, it may mean that you have to tell your crew that it's all about your man tonight; sorry, canʼt go. If your friends are adults, theyʼll understand completely, and send you on your way with their best wishes (but thatʼs another convo). That will let him know that his feelings are valid to you whether you agree with them or not. Really, it only takes one time for you to make that adjustment for him to enjoy that subtle sense of appreciation (that we talked about earlier). Not only that, his appreciation will be coupled with adoration, admiration, and respect.
She says to you, “Baby, youʼre in DC like 4-5 times a year, I know your friends are from there and you grew up there but I would like to go with you sometimes.” If your answer is, “Look broad, thatʼs exclusive to me and my friends. Quit trippin',” then you, sir, have the game messed up, or maybe she isnʼt the one that will make you see things differently. LISTEN CLOSELY. That woman isnʼt trying to change you. She is merely expressing her concern to see/know you in a deeper way and be a part of, or just see another side of, your life. It is a natural thing that inspires and cultivates closeness. Adjusting does not mean you have to take her to DC with you for the family trip once a year, nor does it mean that you must include her in hangin' with the fellas. Hell, thatʼs what you and the
fellas do. But, if you truly care for her, and her feelings are valid to you whether you agree with them or not, you will find a way to take her to DC with you at least once and you will probably enjoy the feeling of her enjoying the feeling. When you get there, take her to your favorite hamburger place. Show her where the guys watch the sports games and enjoy a beer with her. None of your friends will be affected by the trip, but you will have made a major step in letting her know that her desires are important to you. I damn near guarantee that you may never have to see her face in DC again because your actions/efforts will have gone so far with her, that she feels validated and loved because you stepped outside of your ridiculous box…FOR HER.
In neither case of “She says/He says” has anyone been required or asked to change. However, in both situations, an adjustment was necessary to promote growth in the relationship. REAL TALK: They say that when we find the one for us, we do things
differently than before. That is a very true statement. 8 out of 10 times, if that person is the one for you, the adjustments will be effortless and damn near subconscious. Even if it does require for you to make some effort, you will gladly make the effort for her/him. Some of you know that kind of Love. Some of you have never experienced it. Some of you just donʼt believe it. But, just ask the person next to you, who didnʼt believe it until they found that guy/girl who made them rethink their philosophy.
THE COOL THING ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING IS THAT IF YOU ARE THE ONE MAKING THE ADJUSTMENT, IRONICALLY YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WILL TRULY REAP THE BENEFITS/REWARDS. THE LITTLE THINGS YOU DO FOR A PERSON GOES A LONG WAY AND IT DEFINITELY COMES BACK AROUND IN A MAJOR WAY.
Think about how you felt when the co-worker made an adjustment for you. It promoted appreciation and some respect. When you think about your loved one adjusting to comfort you, youʼll appreciate him/her in a whole different way. Donʼt act like you donʼt know what I'm saying.
For info on Events by DJ Chris Paulhit him up on facebook or twitterFacebook: http://www.facebook.com/chrispaulcincinnatiTwitter: @djchrispaul
DJ Chris Paul brings the “Grown & Sexy” to Cincinnati’s Night Life with Lure & Melange
I am a bad friend. At least, this is what I was told by someone I had considered a close friend. Normally these words would have just about broken my heart, but in this instance I considered them a lesson learned... I met Orlando (names have been changed to avoid drama from the guilty) seven years ago on an online gaming site. We developed a friendship that spilled over into real life.
For a while things were great; there were long phone conversations about anything you could think of. I even flew to meet him and his wife.
Then things began to change. I would be interrupted so often I never got a whole story out during a conversation. All Orlando wanted to talk about was his life and what was wrong with it. He was having marital problems, so I did what any good friend would do, I shut up and listened.
Time passed. I flew twice to help Orlando and his wife move to different states. One of these trips was cross-country in a U-Haul. When they finally decided to divorce I helped Orlando move back to his home state with his parents. I supported his decision to join the Armed Forces and wrote to him every day in boot camp. When he made the decision to marry a woman he had only known for two weeks, I tried to talk him out of it but ultimately supported him when he gave me an ultimatum to deal with it or get out of his life.
I just knew that the friend I had first known would make a reappearance. He didn't. I still sent gifts for every birthday and holiday even though I never got one in return. I loaned him money for bills when he came up short. I listened to him talk about all his problems late into the night, sometimes so long that I would accidently fall asleep. I answered text messages all day. I tried my hardest to be what I thought was a good friend.
Then came the day we had to put my grandmother into a nursing home. I had been her sole caretaker for five years. I was devastated. When I called Orlando he actually told me it was great that I could get a life now and launched into a story of his newest problem.
I started to pull away from Orlando. I told him repeatedly through phone calls, texts, and emails how his behavior was making me feel. I practically begged him to change. He would either apologize our go off in a rant explaining that his behavior was my fault.
Finally I had enough. I stopped answering his calls and messages. I ignored him online. He would leave hateful
voicemails, vicious texts, and sarcastic Facebook posts. I ignored it all until the
day he called me a bad friend.
Grandma had just passed away and without the support of two close friends I'm not sure I could have handled it. In response to their kindness I posted on Facebook that one should not only tell their friends they are appreciated, they should show them. Orlando responded in a long nasty rant that basically said I should not give
advice on friendship because I am a horrible friend. I couldn't believe what
I was reading!
When I pointed out all of the times I had tried to talk about the problems in our
friendship he gave me the excuse that he had mentally blocked out all of those parts of his life.
Blocked out all of the times I tried to fix things, all of the times I had begged for help. I returned the favor by blocking him out of my life.
For seven years I had allowed him to take everything he needed while giving nothing in return. It took me seven years to learn one of the most valuable lessons of friendship: friendship is a give and take road. You can't just give and you can't just take. You have to replenish each other.
Appreciate your friends. Give everything you can but don't be afraid to take what you need. Confucious said it best - "Have no friends not equal to yourself."
Friends Are Good to & For Each Other
Friendship is a Two-Way Streetby Melissa Howe
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