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Hun ters
female characters
By ! : J . ! reund
! opyright 1921 byptigopubl ishin g ! ompan y
whe Germ Hun te
Abe Ryan, portly, agreeable elderly gentleman insmoking Jacket an d slippers . A silk han dk
fi
erchief
tied over his mouth .
Lizziemodern .
J
Minnie, kitchen maid,”
healthyu
afn dz
fon d of laughter .
Aunt Anna, Sister ofMrs . Ryan , sensible and somewhatstern lady of about thirty years , sensibly dressed .
Mrs Holzmann, neighbor,portly and brave, 1n foot freedress .
Mr. ireller city’s Tax ! ollector .
Mr . Filling, mun ic1palpoliceman .
R ! MAR! : Do not fold the silk handkerchief, but lead 11:
over your nose and tiera knot in the small’
of yourneck ; it must cover the nose and hang over the en tirb
mouth .
Because of this cloth over the mouth, the actors mustspeak loudandvery clear-voicedThe s cene represents a sittin g room at Ryan
’s; table inthe rear of the center, chairs , couch , newspapers etc.
Have the fol lowing ready at hand : a bee,Smoker
(blowing con trivan ceit oblow smoke with), an atomiz
er, filled with water, a gong on table, several silk
handkerchiefs, ca saucer, a bottle ofwater, an
‘
official ’
letter (size ! o. 1 0 envelope).TMP92
-0 0930 2
(Dd s s7i eg
A The Germ’
Hunters
Lizzie Ryan (and Abe Ryan) enter . (She W1 th book ,in
hand, sits on chair n ear table, he on ,couch. Both havesilk handke chief over mouth. ) Abe, I wish to havethis out with you . there 1s no other way touchoo
'
se
but tooag ree ; andm
sin ce I am the lady of the. house, yonwill have to agree with me : Y oumust wear a ,
silk cloth
overy oun nose and omouth ,
while you‘
are in : the house
and sn‘
ever breathe .without one . And so must auntAn
na ; an d QMin n ie tie a silk cloth,oven their n ose . And
every human soul that enters this house must be'
di,
sin
fected’
by a thoro smoking-out. I-With incense, orw ith sulphur !Don’t trytobe funny , Abe . With sulphur,
of course . So it is advised in this book (taps book) of
sanitarycaution ; s ulphur kills al l kinds of germs withde adly certainty -An d everybody whoe nters this house
must be disin fected by sulphur fumes .Ryan (drily). Now see here,
”
Lizzie, wouldn’t it be easier
work to hang everybody who en ters here for five min
n tes i n the smoke house !
Liz (tapping the floor with foot).‘
Abe l Th1s is a m atterof l ife or death
‘
.
~ ! ver‘
y man‘
who dies , dies because he
is in fected with some kind of g erms
/
G erms are‘
con
tracted in many ways , either by breathing ; o r by con
tact, or‘
zby eatin g and drinkin g . This is what the un! k n owing public calls contagion . . We Wil l n ot wtran splant anygerms in this house, therefore Minnie has towear a cloth tied over her mouth .
Ryan . I am afraid she will refuse for she wil l not give inas easily
‘
as I did to have her mouth tied .
4
Liz. Don ’t I wear a cloth over my mouth !
Ryan . To be sure . And it looks very becommg on your,
face, while on mine it looks like a muzzle .
Liz (austerely). Abe ! ! onsider,please, that with this littleprecaution youare rendered immune against typhoidfever, tuberculosis , diphtheria and against all otherkinds ofpoisonous microbes . Y ouwill have to inducethe hired girl Minnie to tie that clothover her mouth .
Ryan (frightened). 1 9 Me ! She’l l get mad .
Liz . That’s nothing .
Ryan . But she may bite me and infect me with hydrophobia germs .
Liz (assuringly). In that case you would instantlybathethe infectedplace with alcohol . Alcohol kills hydro
phobia germs . As a matter of fact, people should use
more alcohol than they do .
Ryan (excitedly). . ! ow isn’t that what I have been saying
all t his while ! By right everybody should give hisvitals a thoro soaking of spirits ; it would make themvery healthy .
Liz (tipping the book with finger). ! xternally ! I advocate the external use only , not the internal use . While
I am thinking of it, our supply is almost used up‘
. You
may order a gallon of it today .
Ryan . And how many glasses,pray !Liz (tipping foot on floor). Abe ! Hold your horses .
Don’t try to make fun of everything I say . I am very
serious .
Ryan (soberly). So am 1 .
Liz . Now,in order to finish you wil l tie Minnie’s
mouth . And I will induce Aunt Anna to wear asilk
cloth over her mouth .
5
Ryan . She is your sister in body and soul , Lizzie . If
something should happen to you , remember I havewarned you .
Liz . Leave that to me . As for the rest I have already
closed the door on deathi
an d destruction . Our chick
en coopI have disinfected with chloride ofpotassiumRyan . Now look here , Lizzie, won
’t that induce the chickens to lay boiled eggs !
L1zz 1e . Don ’t be funny , Abe . Our dove cot I have sprinkled with a ten percent solution of carbolic acid
Ryan . That’s very strong, Lizzie . I am afraid that afterthis our beloved pigeon pie will taste like carbolic acid .
Liz . What if it does ! It would be very sanitary eating
after all . Our toile ts and closets I have dusted with
chloride of lime ; on the garbage pile I have sprinkled
sulphuric acid, and have also placed a can of that disim
fectan t in the woodshed .
Ryan. Lizzie, I notice that whatever you do , you’make a
thoro job of.it . You have turned cor entire backyard
into a terrible stink .
Liz (austerely). Abe ! A more refined language wouldsound better . I have disinfected, mind you .
Ryan . The very same stuff. And not enough of that
youwant to fill this house with sulphur fumes . Whatdo you call that !
Liz . A san itary precaution . The stronger the smell , thehealthier
‘
the house wil l be .
Ryan . Well! happily, we’re muzz led ; we shall get but a
second-hand whiff‘
of that ill smell . I fear that you will
arouse the ill will of our neighbors , for they will notconsent so willingly to all this like your beloved hus
band .
Liz (with superior air). As soon as they mutter a dissent
6
ing word, I’ l l call the Board of Health . Why
,that big
garbagepile ofportlyMrs . Holzmann 1s a veritable incubator of killing germs . Honestly , I believe that’swhere I o g ot mypiercin g l toothache athe other aday .
,
a
root it up, did you !Liz (austerely). Abe ! The idea !
‘
. Toothache as well as
. any other ailment is caused by germs, mind you; disinfection meansprotection from all infecting matter .
Ryan . H ow . n ow,
'if a man. bites his tongue !
Liz . That’s no sickness , Abe , that’s simply your ”
awk‘wardn ess in chewing your tidbits .
Ryan . I always thought it to be the result of using ones
teeth
Lix (discouragingly) Talk, and talk like'
a parrot ; I surely believe you are 1 n fected with talking germs .
Ryan . And to me it appears that you are infected withstink bugs .
Liz (n ot paying any attention to him, tips g ong on table).
! ery good . Now we are agreed on the course we are
to take . As soon as Minnie enters , you will tie hermouth with a silk handkerchief, while I shall leave you
to induce aunt Anna to do the same .
Ryan (warningly) . L’ izzie , I caution you , remember sheis of your own family .
Liz (acquiescingly , waving hand). And I am glad sheuisn ’
t of your family . For the rest I think more of
your wel l-being than of anything else (to Minnie who
enters). ~Mr.~ Ryan wants to talk to you, Minnie . Af
ter you are thruhere , you may set the bee” smoker in
readiness an d bring it in here. Do youunderstand !M ln n ie ; Bee ssmoker, you say ! ~ Why! are x there n bees
7
Liz . Never mind, that’s no business of yours . Have the
atomizer handy (lifts up silk handkerchief from table
andputs ‘
it back again). Here is your cloth, Abe (exit).
Minnie (stares after. h er, lips open).
Ryan (when Liz . is out). Minnie , you speak of bees . ,There
are none here . But there are crickets in her head, a
whole n est'of them ; whimsical foolish ideas , my child .
And youknow what that means for the'
rest of the fam
ily'!
(walks to’table ; takes up handkerchief). Now come
here, Miume, I am g omg to muzzle you .
M innie (aghast, backing away). Sir, what do you take me!
for !'
Ryan (good naturedly). It’s no use , Minnie, to balk . You
can’t balk out of this . I have been balking all mymar
ried life, but it did m e no good . ! ome, be a pretty
girl an d let me tie your mouth .
Minnie .
'
Mr. Ryan , you must be mentally deranged
Ryan . Thanks , I’m quite well . But even this insinuation
will not save you from the muzzle (makes efforts to tiehandkerchief over her nose).
Minnie (pushing him Mr . Ryan, I’ll call Mrs .
Ryan, if youdon’t stop t his .Ryan . Don’t you
'do it. It is she, not me,!
who has or
dered your mouth to be muzzled . Look, and see, child ,I am muzzled ; so is she on account of better health
,
tshe claims .Minnie . I
‘don’t want to havea fool made of me .
Ryan . Ah , you still have h uman pride left .’
It’s goodenough as long as you are single . After you get mar
ried,al l your pride goes to the dogs . After all
,the
idea isn’t so very awkward You can laugh all you
8
want with the cloth over your mouth and Mrs . won’tnotice it .
Minnie . I see nothing to laugh at.
Ryan . Well , of the females ! Doesn’t see anything ridio
ulcus in this affair ! (laughs out1 l gbt) Why , I have beensplitting my sides for laughing at Mrs . Ryan ’s fool no
tions (laughs). Without this muzzle I wou ldn’t be as
happy as I really am , Minnie .
Minnie (gaining interest). How ridiculous . ! an ’t you
laugh without that cloth !
Ryan . I wouldn’t dare to , Minnie . It might disturb thepeace of the family . Would youdare tolaugh in the:
presence of Mrs . Ryan ! I know you wouldn ’t risk it .
But look at my mouth (lifts c loth). ! nder this,cloth
I’ve laughed it entirely out of shape (distorts mouth.
for her).Minnie (laughing). Oh . Mr . Ryan , you are the funniestsig ht I ever beheld (laughs). J ust to please you , I feellike doing it . But, suppose somebody walks in here
what wil l he think of us !Ryan (drops mouth cloth) They
’
l l think this is a madhouse
,and
,I admit, they
’l l not be far from the truth .
After all this is but a foolish whim of Mrs . (menacing
ly,shaking, fist) but don ’t you everj tell her which
,
’
probably by tomorrow, she’l l have exchanged for an othl
er Will you have it tied !
M1n n 1e .
‘
But you must not laugh at me .
Ryan . If I should laugh at you ,”you have a perfect right
to laugh back at me . child, (tiescloth over her! nose)!
You know,child, it would be foolish to argue with
fools ; arguing would make them still more stubborn .
T hebest argumen t against fools l s laughter . I hadmy
x 9
self vaccinated with laughing germs . b‘
ecause on cé
in a while a man likes to have a little fun out of it al l
(has done with muzzling Minnie), pushes her gentlyaside
,looks and laughs). H ahahahaha ! ! ow laugh a
great laugh, Minnie s u b r o s a, I meant to say .
Minnie (laughs without showing it 1n her features).
Ryan . Laugh, girl . Why don’t you laugh !
Minnie . I did laugh , Mr. Ryan .
Ryan . You did! I didn’t notice it . Your eyes are laugh
ing, as they always do . That’s all . See, how nice this
works ! don’t have to cover your mouth when hil
arious ; n obody sees it . Now give me a boisterous
laugh .
Minnie (laughs).Ryan . I heard a little cackling, but saw nothing of it inyour face . Laugh like this (laughs improperly loud).Minnie (imitates this laughs . )Ryan (finds this effort very funny, laughs at it)(While both are laughing, Mrs . Ryan enters, right af
ter her enters aunt Anna, cloth over mouth).
Liz (austerely). Abraham Ryan !.
Do you call that paternal dignity ! a
Ryan (turning at the voice). Ah ! ah ! ThereI see an oth
er couple of f f' foo fudge eaters (bows reverently). . with padlocks on their mouth .
Liz (austerely). Abe ! More seriousness , I pray .
Ryan . ! asily said , Lizzie , but not so easily done .
Wait, till I get my mouth l n shape again (feels under
cloth as if correcting mouth sternly). See, howserious I am !Minnie (laughs outright at him).Aunt finna (turns back and laughs until she stands bent
over .
1 0
Li
hbvghat made you two laugh so gaily when I
,
"
came in ,e .
Ryan . Did we ! Don’t k now about itf We practisedblowing out germs.
Liz . How silly , Abe . Germs can’t be blown out . They
must be killed . Here I brought something along (putssaucer on table an d from small bottlepours water intosaucer). This is alcohol . Now, come, and bathe your
hands in this al l of. you (all comply, dipping forefinger in saucer and rubbing hands).Liz (rubbing her hands). Better make a thoro job of . it .
The worstplaces are right under the tips of the finger,
nails .
Anna (rubbing). I clean mine every day W1th a manicureset and soap .
Ryan (with importance). And I dipmine three times daily into boiling water .
Liz , Abe’
, if you only wouldn’t try to act funny (to Min
nie). Did you bring in the bee smoker !Minnie (frightened). No, I didn
’t think of it .
Liz . Didn’t think of it !,T he idea . Our health and yours
are the most important things”
to think of Go and”
get it (exit Minnie). An n ie'
dear, later on we shall , for
the sake of our health , undergo a fumigation .
Anna”
(with fright). Fumigate ! Me too ! with what !Abe (dig n ifiedly). With sulphur, Annie dear.
Anna (excitedly). The absurdity . Don ’t imagine for a
moment that I yvill permit myself to be suffocated
Liz (soothingly). No idea of smothering you , Annie dear .' See
,those pernicious germs are settling everywhere,
even in your dress , your hair, your shoes , and every
imaginable place . Fumes of sulphur are considered a
safe means of killing them .
1 1
Anna (alarmed). For the life of me, I can’t stand the
smell of sulphur . It takes my breath away instantly .
If you’re at the stage of tormenting me with fire and
sulphur already, I will leave this moment .
Abe (assuringly). Better have it done, Annie dear .'
It is
a sure killer for bedbug s and lice .
Minnie (returning with bee smoker , works it, andproduces fumes , in order to show
‘
its‘
readiness). Here is
your Rough-on -Rats machine .
Liz (sternly). I decline to have such improper words
used in my presence (takes bee smoker in hand). Now
line up, every one of you :
Ryan (lines upin military fashion , facing audience). Better take yourpill good naturedly . I have never spoiled
anybody ’s fun .
‘
Annie dear, step up to my best side .
Anna (stands at his right arm). Lizzie dear, just to pleaseyou , I
’l l do it, but as soon as the fumes sufiocate me ,I’l l scratch your eyes out .
Minnie (stands at A'nna’s right arm, g l g g les),
Liz (fumigating every one in a slow and thoro fashion ,beginswith blowing smoke at the feet and then worksupward until she arrives at the shoulders , Talking
while fumigating . Funny business by the others).This is but aprecautionary measure, a ’preven tion , so to
9 speak, which may turn off great disaster . Do/ you re
member what happened at Frank ’s ! r . Frank bought
a little pet cat for his children , not knowing that this
very pet was infested with diphtheria germs . You know
what happened . His children caught the disease fromthe cat, and after two weeks all were dead and buried .
On e must not trifle with germs;
Ryan (mocking seriousness). This sets me a-thinking . We
42
are still too indifferent,!
Lizzie, for we are eating nufaruig ated bread every blessed day .
Anna (ditto). And our drinking water has never been disturbed by a healthy fumigation .
Liz (eagerly assenting). There you are both right . Afterthis we shalla sterilize every drop ofwater ; we shall fum
ig ate all our dishes, the baking oven , the beds must be
fumigated with sulphur smoke , an d after sweeping therooms we shall disinfect them with lysol .
Ryan (softly, remin dingly). You are fopg ettin g yourstylish hats , Lizzie .
Liz . To be sure , the hats must be fumigated, too .
Anna (indignantly). The hats ! Don’t youtouch my new
hat with that ugly stuff, I tell you. It will fade all the
colors . Don’t you dare .
Liz (soothingly). Don’t talk like a chicken , Annie dear .
Of what use is a new hat if you catch disease and die !
Annie (resignedly). Go ahead, I’l l soon die of this pest
iferous smoke anyhow, what’s the‘ use of living any
longer . Ah-a-a-a-ah ! (coughs).
Ryan (soothingly). Do not despair of life, Ann ie dear,she 1s only giving us hot air.
Minnie (giggles , stealthily)Liz (austerely) . Abe ! I’m afraid you’l l have topay dearly for your frivolous mockery some day (to Minn1e).And
,Minnie, you must never forget to disinfect the
table with alcohol before you set the dishes . Th1s is very
1mportan t .
Anna (imitating her seriousness). And , Minnie, do not
forget to rub every potato w 1th carbolic acid before
youboil it .Ryan (imitating, asbefore). And, Minnie,
’
do not forget
0
13
to d1sin fect your mouth with lysol before you kiss your
sweetheart .
Liz (reprimandingly). What, in health’s name , makes
you think of kissing, Abe !
Ryan . J ust a precautionary reminder, that’s all . .
Liz. If that’s the case, I’l l overlook it .
Anna . It appears to me that kissing, on account of‘
publie health , should be prohibited by law .
Ryan . A most excellent thought, Annie dear, which Isecond with all my heart .
Liz . Abe, there is nothing here to be seconded by you .
The beautiful custom of greeting your near relations
by,a kiss may remain undisturbed, for all that
’s needed,is to rin se your mouth with a ten percent solution of
lysol,and the kiss won’t hurt anybody .
Anna . But who would want to kiss a person with such a
mouth !
Ryan .. I rather think such perfumed kisses a novelty.
Liz (ackn ow ledg in g ly). There, Abe, that’s the first sens
ible utterance from your lips this night .
M 1n n 1e . And what am I to do with the towels, napkins,and other toilette articles , ma
’am ! I say this to remind
you , that’s all .
Liz (approvingly). I t is very good of you‘ to think of
that, Minnie, for such articles are very liable to impartgerms . ! rom now on
!
we shall use only paper towels,
napkins and the like, and throw them into the furnaceafter use .
Ryan (en thusedly). Great, Lizzie ! I shall this very dayget me a pair of paper trousers andMinnie (giggles , outright).Liz (austerely). Abe, don
’t make yourself ridiculous,I
14.
trousers would seem entirely! out ofplaee on me; but f
a
paperAnna an
inside, I son cluded that I was not heard, and s implywalked 1n . Youmust know that I am the city
’stax col
lector. Teller is my name (all asters turn face towards
him, look surprised)!
tax collector, yousay !Teller . With your kind permission, sir (draws bookfromcoat pocket). Your tax es, Mr. Ryan , amount to $5281 .
Alley I pray youto hand the amoun t over!Ryan . P resently. Mr. Teller, presen tly . But before Iam allowed to touch you orthe money, youmust bedisinfected . That
’s the inv1olable rule in this house!
Teller (disturbed). What’s that ! Disinfected I did not
quite get you.
Ryan . Y es, s1r, d isinfected . You see, your business bring syou into , many houses and families in fested with germs .We keepour house free of them, and before we can
permit you to enter this room,
"
we have to fumigate
Teller (smilin gly). No need of being alarmed! Mr. Ryan .
I am not collecting germs but taxes, youmust under
16
account . He’s got those terrible hydrophobia germs!but I’l l fix him .
Teller (jumping towards entrance, I’l l reportthis crazy behavior, mind you .
’
I’l l go right upto thechief of police and tell him all about the‘
lunatics I metin this place (coughs). . . My whole suit has been
spoiled by these suffocating fumes . I ’l l make you
pay for it, mind you (hops out of door a n d slams it
back).
Ryan (disappointedly). The rogue , now that I had him
cleaned, he skips off. 3
Anna (shaking with laughter). He surely got enough of
health today .
Liz (with hacking cough). I hope he can’t harm us .
Ryan . Sure , he can . But what of it ! I’ve never before
got rid of a tax collector in such a short while . I am
beginning to like this fumigating busmess .
Liz . Do you believe he can bring a law suit against us !
Ryan . Most certainly
Liz (scared) . Oh And do you suppose we must go tocourt with him !
Ryan . As sure as daylight, Lizzie . I am going to be suedby him, and all three of you will be summoned as wit
nesses .
Liz (with wringing fhan ds). Who would have believed
such baseness possible !
Ryan (good naturedly). Don’t be alarmed,‘
Lizzie . I f wemust go to court, I
’l l take this smoking machine with
me to defend you . You will see the courtroom vacated
1n less than two minutes when I start in with fumigation .
! verybody , even the judge; is afraid of being gassed .
And out we come victorious and rejoicing .
17
M innie (has been giggling all this while, now being nearconvulsions, leaves secretly by way of the door).Anna . And ‘I will smg the song of victory when we leave
the courtroom . So you may surely count on me .Liz . Ann1e dear, I pray you, how can you talk so braveabout it! See, I am shaking for fear and fright . I hate
to go to law .
Ryan . Do not shake, Lizz1e , our conscience is clear .Liz . You are good enough to say that, Abe, but who
knows whoknows !
Anna (mockingly). Well , now, Lizzie dear, can’t you
fumigate your conscien ce in order to clean it bf bad
germs !
Liz . I’m afraid not, at least my book doesn’t say it .
Minnie (peeps l n thru open door). Oh , Mrs . Ryan , there
is some one in the kitchen who likes to speak to you .
Ryan . Send him m for a moral(
clean 1n g .
Liz (spreading arm‘
s out against Ryan). Abe, don’t be
funny (to Minnie). Who is it !
M innie (thru opening of door). Our neighbor Mrs . Holz
mann .
Liz . Oh she, that German taddle-tale . I don’t care
’
to see
Minnie . She says she must see you on very important
busmess .
Liz . See me ! Why, I didn’t do anything, did I ! (to An
na). She is sovery uneducated and always starts a quarrel . I would'like to refuse seel n g her .
Anna . She isn’t so bad as that . Let her come in and I’ll
see what she wants while youhide behind the door .
Liz. That’s a fine suggestion , and I’l l carry 1t out this
very moment (steps behind door, comes back). J ust be
18
cause I love peace and shun quarrel .
f
I say this inorder to avoid apossible misinterpretation (again steps
.
behind door).
Ryan . The way it seems her conscience needs fumigation .
Anna (hisses to him). Siss ! (to Minnie). ShowMrs .,Holz
mann in (Minnie draws head back).
Mrs . Holzmann (very looiuacious, talks with a Germantwan g). Good day , all of you . Na, dis is
"good dat I
meet youhere . It has hurt me so in my breast so dat
I said to Minnie, I can not stand the stink any longer,it is strangling me (has meanwhile been approaching
towards the center, leaving an open space between her,
back and the door). Yes , it strangles me oh , for I can
stand anything but stron g smelling, and dis smells like
mad . It takes away all my wind (Ryan has meanwhilestepped between her and the door and softly blows
smoke against her heels , which rises from under her
dress). Mit your kind permission , says I to Mrs. Donner
,dis looks to me as if that distorted Mrs. Ryan
trying to drive us out mit her bad stink (notes rising
fumes from under her dress , jumps aside , claps handsabove her head, very much frightened). Mein Yettchen
,am I burning! (shakes skirt). I am smelling fire
a stink as if wool is burning (beholds Ryan standingbehind her). Have you setme on fi re ! (shakes dress
vehemently).
Ryan . I have disinfected you , Mrs . Holzmann .
Holzmann . So . Yes , I believe dat dissen fect you ! Such
ian old boy allows him such bad fun mit an respectable
lady . And you do not shame yourself ! A n d such dings
his old woman gives m to .
‘
Yes , I believe dat I disin
foot you (shaking dress).
19
Ryan (soothingly). Now, Mrs. Holzmann , I did not mean
it that bad . You must know we are g erm hunters
Holzmann (interruptingly). Yes , dat’s just how you look
you mit your slabber cloth over your maul . Meine
! eit, wie sehen die L wte aus ! Must dey wear a foul
napkin on their mouth on a bright sunny day ! Dat’s
how people act who aren’t square in deir hed . Don’t
you touch my dress again , I tell you , you old slabber
chops . I am a decent woman and him who comes too
near me I reach one or two mit my fist wat is not of
pappe, mind you . (to Anna) I just dreaded to come
over here, for dose peopl e are not square-headed, I said
to Mrs. Donner . But she says , dey won’t eat you alive,
and now dis fop is trying to roast me alive . Well , I
say ! And you stand there like a monkey mit an‘
open
mouth and laughme out .Anna . Good Mrs . H olzmanm , let me eXplain : My sister, Mrs . Ryan, would make us all very healthy so dis
ease hn d death could n ot touch us . She has ordered usto wear mouth cloths and to be fumigated . Mr . Ryan
was not making a fool of you , but was executing our
sanitary rule when he fumigated you . He was doingthis for our health .
Mrs . Holzmann . Yes , an ddis gestank you call healthy ,he ! Dat’s why I’m here for . Mrs . Donner and Mrs .Wulk said to me : Mrs . Holzmann , dis won
’t go any
longer, youmust go to her an d make order over there:For why ! Out of her chicken barn and her dove cot .and her woodshed comes a stench dat gives me fainting
spells . Yes , I wouldn’t lose a word if it was a natural
risten ch, but is it natural ! It smells after singed hair
and dead fishes and asafoetidaemixed together . And you
26
call that healthy ! Wat ! Mrs . Donner‘ says, if wé
can’t Stop this perfume, We have to move out here .
And Wat wil l we g et for our house‘ an d lot. In seat: a
bad smel l no one wil l move in . P eople won ’t have it,
if we give it away , mind you . Now I come otter heretomake her stopthis or topay us damages . She
‘
al
ways wants to be such a fine lady , and thenpoison s thewhole neighborhood socats and dogs die of her bad
gas . We won’t stand dis any longer, for we have to
take Hoffman’s drops every ten minutes for bett er ,
wind and where shall we get the money to buy Hoffman
’5 drops with ! I am here to find out about dis .
Where 1s the woman Mrs . Ryan !
Liz (stepping forward, irefully). Here she is .
Holzm . (scared). Look, behind dat door she has been hiding . Well , den youknow all I have said. Will youstop dat bad smell !
Liz (emphatical ly). No , never ! ! or that which youin
your scientific innocence have termed a bad smell an d
worse than that, is a precautionary measure to prevent
disease
Holzm .
‘
(interruptingly). I believe you, for that 1s Just
how it smells. When we lived on the farm one of ourhorses died and the cattle doctorput something on himdat smelled just like your healthy stuff. And he called
it pestilence, too . So dat’s what it is . And dis smelling pestilence you have spread on your garbage pileand in your Woodshed and in your chicken barn . Well,tastes may difier, but I tank youfor the eggs andchicken roast . I ’m suro
'
no dog willgwan t them . No Won
dér dat you people are all standing with mouth and nose
tied up; I don’t blame you n ow I know what is domatter .
21
Liz (haughtily). You ignorant person call my disin feca
tant a pestilencial stench ! What do you know about
science,anyhow ! What do
'
youkn owfr
about germs andbaccilli !
H olzm . Don’t fool yourself, for I am keeping all kindsof German pills in my house and once in a while I take
one or two of them, but never have I infected the en
tire neighborhood with them . I am too clean for dat .
Liz (folding hands above head). Abe . this is too strong
for my nerves My knees are getting weak 5underme . fetch that woman out of the house .
Ryan (steppin g forward). Mrs . Holzmann , there are
times when a person must stop and go home . P lease
go home now and tel l your neighbors that this matter
will be settled to their satisfaction .
H olzm . I did not say anything about matter, wat I want
is clean air, so a person can stick her nose out de win
dow without j ain tin g , dat’s all . And all dat bad smell
comes from dis place .
Anna (soothingly). Good Mrs ; Holzmann , y ouhave heardnow that this matter will be settled satisfactorily .
‘
P lease
go and tell your neig hbors so . Will you !
H olzm . Why not! Let Mrs . Ryan take dat slabby cloth
away from her mouth , so she gets better wind, and
she’ll be alright . It might be well to unbutton her
waist for her, for dat would set her breast free . Y es,yes
,I go now as soon as Mrs . Ryan promises me to stop
dat smell .
Ryan . P romise her, Lizzie, an d we’ll g et rid of her .
Anna (enticingly). Yes , Lizzie dear, do her this favor and
she’ll go .
Liz (obstinately). What ! do-you urg e me to apologize
22
before this ig norantperson, to give her a promise whichmay mean the
'death of all of us ! Never .
H olzm . ! ery well , den . She who will not, wil l not.
Nc‘
w'
I ’ll go tic-depolice and make Dat’s watI do next:
Ryan (urg ingly). Lizzie , considerthepeace /of the neigh
borhood and give the desiredproml se .
Minnie (puts 1n head). There 1s apoliceman 1n the kitchen .
Anna (folding hands above her head). There, that settles'
it . Now we will all have to go to court and tell them,
about this tomfoolery .
Minnie . Hewants to see Mr . Ryan .
!
Shall I let him in !
(looking There he is already .
Filling (enters with'
big en velope in hand).Ryan Must I fumigate him! Must I applythe bee smoker!Filling (taking letter from envelope and unfolding it). I
suppose this is where Mr . Ryan lives .Anna . Yes , sir, this is the place .
Filling (addressing Ryan). Mr ; Ryan, thispaper tellsyouthat youare sued for misdemeanor and disorderlyconduct and that youare summoned to appear in thecourtroomtomorrow morning at nine o ’clock precisely.
. Here15 a,copy of the complaint (hands overpapers).
Holzm.
'
There, it’s done already. I s’ pose Mrs . . Wulk
has seen herlawyer about it .
Ryan . This is bright. I am sued for misdemeanor and
have never hurt a fly (to Mrs . Ryan). ! ome here and
Liz. What wrong has he done !Filling . You’l l find that stated in the complaint he is hol
ding in his hand . Read it .
24’5
Liz . (in sad ecstasy). Oh , how bad they are ! And I meantit so well
!with all of them .
Ryan (continuing). There is stil l more coming . Listen
(reads) undrinkable It is furthermore alleged
that the airing of rooms”
and opening of windows has!
been rendered impossible in the neighborhood ,‘
for assoon as doors and windows are opened,a stench penetrates everything which causes people with a
'weak heart
to faint and spoils foodstuffs and everything perishable .
Mrs . Wulk claims that her canary bird has lost his sweet
voice because of this foul smell and asks the court that'
at least damage be paid her . MrsfDenner saysthat she received an attack of asthma on account of this
bad odor, that shehad to g et a girl to do her house
work , which costs her per week ;‘
she wants dam
ages of $100 . 00 vpaid her . All the neighbors claim damage for their pet dog s and cats which were poisoned by
the flun n atural foul smell . Mr.Donner c laims that he
lost his appetite, and therefor asks damages paid him
for this loss as well as for sleepless nights , workless
days and spoiled foodstuffs . Witn ess'are all the people
of the neighborhood who have sufi ered more or less because of this (speaks): There you got
the pie , Lizzie . Imagin e the damages I will have to
pay because of your sanitary undertakin gs .Liz . And I only intended to make every body well !
Anna (very seriously). And by doin g that you have spreaddisease and death an d almost murdered the whole neigh
borhood .
H olzm . Meine Guete, who 1s able to stand such foulness !
Dat Mrs . Wulk has seen the lawyer already , I did notknow when I came here .
‘ Now if Mrs . Ryan only would
25
promise me to stop this murder at once, I believe everybody would be satisfied and withdraw the complaint .
Anna . And that Would be a nice ending of this germ killing business.
Holzm . But as Mrs . Ryan insists on doing as much mis
chief as she possibly can, the law must have its course .
Ryan (to Mrs . Hozlm). She will not insist, she will stopthis at once from this minute , I
’l l guarantee you,Mrs. Holzmann (takes off silk handkerchief). Look,there is the beginning of a noble end .
Anna (takes off her mouth cloth). And I shall follow his
good example, Mrs . Holzmann (holds handkerchief up
to her view), for I played the fool only to please mySl ster.
L1zz1e . Well, I guess I must . In order to end the in
con venience ofmy neighbors (takes off mouth
cloth and raises it before the view of‘
the actors) allapplaud, except Filling) But itwas allprinted inthat book of Health I read .
Ryan . That may be alright as long as nobody puts such
nonsense intopractice, Lizzie . Imagine, your germkilling would cost me in the neighborhood of five hund
red dollars if the law suit is carried out .Liz (decidedly). No , Abe, I don
’t want you to pay that
(to Mrs . Holzmann). Go and tell your neighbors that Ifrom this day on will do no more disin fectin g . I shall
make all these bad smells innoxious by pouring a bottle
of eau de ! ologne over them,‘
and that I ask them to
withdraw their complaint (to the audience). This neighborhood evidently is not ready for the higher science ,
that I wanted to in occulate here .
Holzm. Na, dat’s all I wanted here
,and everydin g s is
um wa g m g, i n fin ; a v i in!
aWe adl zktl Q W.
about your.grievancebefore youtack other!
steps ; -that’s
joining premises . !
I sincerely hope that will bring iback
all the former fragran ce on our happy”
neighborhood .
And,please do inot forget to !inform them that I wi l l
present to every lady a boquet of Amer1can Beauty
Liz (accommodatively). And the germ killing will stopforever
Holzm . But how. about Donner’s dog and Wulk’s cat!
Holzmann (shaking hands with every one). Na, den
everydin g s is alright again . Den I wil l say g oodby’
an d
go home (curtal n when ‘
last han d is extended).
