Humourous Hamlet

7/28/2019 Humourous Hamlet

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HUMUROUS SUMMARY HAMLET

Act I

scene i

Is it a dark and stormy night? Not quite but the guards Bernardo and Francisco are nervous. And what kind of Danish names arethose? Weren't these guys supposed to be descendants of Vikings? What happened to those great names these guys had in Beowulf ?

Names like Scyld or Unferth or Breca or Hrothgar. Those were names I'd expect a Dane to have.

To the point. It's midnight. Bad things always happen at midnight. Ghosts need better hours. Sorry, I gave it away. Yes, there is aghost and that's why the guards are jumpy. For help Marcellus has asked Horatio to spend a night and observe the ghost. Personally Iwould have sent for a priest rather than a student but then I'm not Shakespeare.

The ghost shows up. Of course he does. It resembles the dead king and Horatio is told to speak to it. Charging the ghost to speak theghost stalks off offended. How do you offend a ghost and wouldn't you be happy that you had? Horatio, however, concludes theappearance of the ghost, ". . . bodes some strange eruption to our state." Well the money spent on his education wasn't wasted but whydoesn't he just say I think this ghost means we're in trouble but who ya gonna call?

The ghost has nothing to say but the audience knows it will. Shakespeare's audience was quick to pick up on things like that. ButHoratio has a lot to say. Marcellus gets to play straight man here by asking why are the cannon makers making cannons, and why isthe king buying weapons, and why are the shipwrights working seven days a week? It is clear that Marcellus does not read The New

Denmark Times . Thank God for Horatio who tells us Fortinbras (now dead King of Norway) fought Hamlet (now dead King of Denmark) and lost life and lands. Neat alliteration, yes? Young Fortinbras is not happy with death of dad, deprivation of deeds, and isdetermined to recapture legacy. He has raised an army and is determined to destroy Denmark. Perhaps this is why the ghost of theking is wandering about.

Did I say ghost? Here it comes. Stop it! Talk to it! Capture it! Oops. The cock has crowed and the ghost has vanished . Horatio has anidea! Let's tell Hamlet. Hamlet will know what to do? Sure he will.

scene ii

Enter Claudius spouting off background info for the audience. The king is dead, long live the king (me), we have grieved, now wemove on. Matter at hand: young Fortinbras wants his dead dad's land back but we (Claudius) have written to his uncle (King of Norway--gee, did Bill plan these parallel developments) and are sending Votimand and Cornelius (again rugged Viking names) to himwith our letters. So much for that, now what else can we do to show we're in charge? Laertes, what's with this you want to return toschool in France?

Laertes apparently knows where to have a good time and Polonius has agreed to let his son go off so Claudius has an easy decision.But now, Hamlet. Come on, dad's gone. That's the way of the world. Every son loses a father. Mourning is one thing but you're gettinginto depression big time. Be a man, get up and get going. Enjoy the court. Stay here with us. Forget Wittenberg too. Come to the feasttonight and watch me do serious Danish drinking. See you latter Ham.

Claudius is a real compassionate guy. Hamlet on the other hand is depressed. He's lost a father and a mother. Bad enough Dad is gone but geeze Mom how could marry Claudius so quickly. He's a pig. But wait. It's Horatio (and Marcellus and Bernardo) but it's Horatio.What are you here for, Mom's wedding. No, the funeral. Oh yes, notice how quickly she married. They were able to use the leftoversfrom the funeral to feed all at the wedding feast. Boy, is he bitter. Anyway, Horatio has some interesting news. A ghost resemblingHamlet's father has been haunting along the platform saying nothing but scaring the Denmark out of us. Hamlet reacts with curiosityat the full: "'Tis very strange." How about some questions? Is he armed, does he wear his beaver up, does he look pale or red? Pale or red? What kind of question is that? He's a ghost, he's transparent already. Pale or red. Conclusion. "all is not well." Hamlet must have

been an A student at Wittenberg.

scene iii

Laertes: Bye sis. Don't sleep with Hamlet. Remember he's going to be king and will no doubt have to marry for political reasons andyou should be more than a . . . (you get the idea/0

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Ophelia: I hear you but practice what you preach when you're off there in France with all those sweet young things.

Polonius: ( to Laertes) My son have a good time but a) don't tell people what you're really thinking, b) be friendly but stay reserved, c)trust proven friends only, d) don't get sucked into a fight but if you're in it, win it, e) listen to others but don't give up your secrets, f)dress well but don't be a dude, g) and don't loan money to anyone. Now have fun.

(to Ophelia) Don't sleep with Hamlet. If you do you'll get pregnant and I'll be stuck. Don't see him anymore.

Is Ophelia that easy?

scene iv

It's cold. (There's that Wittenberg wit being applied) What's the noise? Every time Claud downs a brew they blow the trumpets or tlowthe brumpets or stow the strumpets. They make so much noise everyone thinks to be Danish is to be Drinkish and whoa, is that aghost? Is it motioning for me? It is motioning for me! Let me go I'm off to meet the ghost! Marcellus (must also have spent sometimeat Wittenberg) is able to discern, "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark."

scene v

Hamlet?

Yes.

I'm a ghost.

I can tell.

Hamlet, I'm your father's ghost.

Dad!

Listen, I've only got a short time before I return to Purgatory (like Hell but you get time off for good behavior or at least sufering; notereference to "sulph'rous and tormenting flames") so l isten carefully. I was murdered.

Murdered?

Murdered.

Murdered!

Murdered, murdered, murdered. OK. Anyway. Claud did it and I want you to kill him for me.

Murdered?

Look. No serpent bit me. Claud poisoned me and now sleeps with my incestuous, adulterous, shamefully lusty wife, your mother.

Murdered.

Are you hearing me boy. Yes murdered. He dripped the stuff in my ears and my body got crusty and gross looking and I died.

"O, horrible! O, horrible! O, horrible!"

I think the boy finally got it. I want him dead. As for your mother, let her live so her conscience can drive her nuts.

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Murder!

Not again. Yes murder. Now do something about it. "Remember me."

Remember? Remember! How will I be able to forget. Remember? All I will be able to do is think about how to kill Claud. "O villain,villain, smiling damned villain."

Hamlet? Hamlet? Hamletttttt?

Horatio?

Hamlet.

Horatio.

Hamlet?

Horatio, it's a ghost.

Hamlet? Hamlet. (See , this is funny. Horatio is asking is it Hamlet, Sr., Hamlet)

Hamlet, Horatio.

Oh, Hamlet.

Oh, Horatio.

SWEAR

Hamlet?

Horatio, it's the ghost.

SWEAR

Swear Horatio.

Damn.

No, swear you won't tell others about the ghost.

Swear?

SWEAR!

I swear!

From now on Horatio I will be playing a part. As I play it don't give me away. No whispers to others, no knowing looks or winks. It'sa secret part I play and I wear a special mask: an antic disposition. I trust you Horatio so swear but "The time is out of joint. O cursedspite/That ever I was born to set it right!"

Here we are and it's only the end of act one and this guys unhappy. OK, his father's dead; murdered by his Uncle who is now marriedto his mother which prevented him (Hamlet) from becoming king. Well, maybe he has a right to be a little upset.

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Hamlet is actually one of my favorite plays. Like most of Shakespeare's plays, every time I read it I discover something new. It is agreat story with elements for everyone: ghosts, betrayal, lust, shattered dreams, accidental deaths, twists, and humor (dark humor)

While I will treat the play lightly in my presentation to hopefully make it accessible I will provide some serious thought in theseasides. The situation is dark. Hamlet is not apparently the man who would be king. He's a student at Wittenberg and apparently likesthe academic life. He has a father he loves, a mother who seems a decent sort, and the future with all the weights and responsibilitiesof being a king are well off. It's a life to be savored and enjoyed. But the bottom falls out. The beloved father dies and suddenly hismother is remarried to his uncle. What's happening here? Hamlet is suffering through an emotional shock. Anyone who has lost a

parent, sibling, close relative, or friend knows the pain grief can bring. The dark well that you free fall through that makes the worldseem "weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable. . . .an unweeded garden/That grows to seed, . . . rank and gross" A place of emotional painyou would rather be free of and contemplate "self-slaughter" as a choice. It is a hard, dark, place and the pain is overwhelming. It'sanguish that only can be felt, not really shared. The words "I know how you feel" are not only empty but also a lie.

In this place of pain Hamlet now has to deal with the other problems that are calling to his attention. It's not an easy place. I think of the picture of Jackie Kennedy standing next to LBJ as he is sworn in as President. The woman has lived through the horror of havingher husband die in her arms and now has to continue on. She has to preside at the President is dead, long live the President. I do notknow if I would have such courage. But she acts for her children, her country, her duty as First Lady. She survives through will alone.Can Hamlet act as well?

As the play begins, Hamlet is depressed, bitter, angry, and upset. The pull of conflicting emotions is powerful. He doesn't want theresponsibility of being king but understands the duty is his and he should be king not Claudius. (I am too much 'I the sun). He is grief stricken "seems, madam? Nay, it is. I know not 'seems.'" He is upset. How could his mother marry his uncle (to post/With suchdexterity to incestuous sheets). Is there no shame? Is lust in her so strong there is no ability to control the appetite? (Frailty, thy name

is woman!)

Now in this emotionally weakened state having lost father and mother, he is told the man sleeping with his mother is his father's killer.This is enough to send the most stable of us off. As his emotional stability is being overloaded, Hamlet must act or find himself "shorting out." This play studies the actions of the man of destiny in extraordinary circumstances. This play reminds us of theincreased difficulties and responsibilities that must be addressed by the person who has either chosen or been chosen to play a major role in the life of his country. How will they bear up under the strain? Think, do you really envy Clinton his position?

Act II

scene I

Ah, Polonius .( Is Polonius a fool. Most productions generally make him one but he is the advisor to the kings of Denmark. They maycome and go but Polonius has remained. That would suggest he is at least a cagey politician. Is his advice to Laertes so bad? Notreally, it's quite sound. And does he have legitimate concerns regarding Ophelia's virginal condition? Of course, he knows she could

become a courtesan or merely a court cast away. Perhaps he has survived by playing a bit of a fool in public. What king would want to be surrounded by someone who was more competent than he to rule. Sometimes it's wise to hide our light in a barrel. Just somethingfor you to think about as you read. But in an age of corporate downsizing will the head of personnel hire someone who could in timereplace him/her? )

What a nice way to keep tabs on Laertes: send a spy. Do you like this. This guy is supposed to meander about and drop subtlequestions like, I hear this Laertes fellow likes his wine, women, and song. Stays up all night spending his old man's money. Of coursePolonius expects to have Reynaldo's slanders refuted by one and all. Of course. I'm sure Laertes is isn't doing anything in Franceexcept studying.

And Ophelia, daughter, what's up? Hamlet you say has been in your closet? Oh, you mean your sewing room. Whew! For a minutethere. He had his jacket open and his stocking down? He stared into your face and just sighed. He's in love! He's in love! My daughter is going to be a Queen. I better tell the King.

scene ii

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Roz and Guild.

Guild and Roz.

Glad you boys could come. Listen. you and Ham are pals. Think you might visit with him , have a few brews together, get some male bonding talk going, and sort of get him to talk about what's really bothering him? What do you think? Can you boys do that for me?Sort of betray your childhood chum?

Of course.

Good boys. (little parallel thing her like Pol and Lar right. Bill is on the money with this stuff--do I smell topic for a paper here?)

Hey, the ambassadors from Norway are here (remember the letters) and good news. Young Fortinbras has been straightened out andinstead of killing Danes just wants permission to take his army across the country so he can kill Poles. No problemo.

Now Polonius. What is your theory about Ham?

Look, he wanted to sleep with my daughter. I said gut him off. She's a good girl. Did so. Now Ham is love sick.

Really?

Really!

How can we tell?

Look. I'll send my daughter to him, we'll hide in a place to see what happens, and when he tries to jump her, we'll know.

Look here comes Hamlet now. Let's have some keen word play and punning to show how smart we are and how dumb students are.I'm not going to go over it but it's there. Bug your teachers.

Here come Roz and Guild. Or is it Guild and Roz? How about a dirty joke. OK.

How are you guys?

Fortunate.

How so?

We aren't the button on her cap nor the sole on her shoe. Rather somewhere in between?

Oh, in the middle?

Yes, her private parts. (snicker, snicker, snicker) You did get it? If I have to explain it then it's not funny. Aren't you Elizabethan?

No more dirty jokes (for now). Let's see what we can dig out of Hamlet.

"Denmark's a prison"

Really. Perhaps "your ambition makes it so?" (You really want to be king and Claudius should be nervous)

No, I'm not ambitious but what brings you guys here. Did you come to see me because we're childhood buddies and you heard I've been down and to want to cheer me up OR were you sent for? Speak up. Can't answer honestly huh? Well thanks a lot "friends."

We were sent for.

Too little, too late.

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When you can't trust the friends of your childhood who can you trust? So much for melancholy. At least Roz and Guild have broughtalong a treat for Hamlet: the tragedians from the city. (What follows is some stuff that was probably important to the behind the scenesgoings on of acting troops that would have played on ETT [Elizabethan Talk Tonight with Mary Hartfelt and John Teschasaxony] butdoesn't concern us (unless you're getting a quiz about it.)

Time for Hamlet anyway to confuse Guild and Roz by announcing, "I am but mad north-north-west. When the wind is southerly, Iknow a hawk from a handsaw." That was clear wasn't it. To clear it up you check out the Hitchcock film North by North West . Toolate for here comes Polonius (time for Hamlet to be a little bawd). As Pol announces "the actors are come hither, " Ham responds,"Then came each actor on his ass." This is a multiple play on the word ass. Ass is a donkey like beast, you sit on it with your *, andobviously Hamlet considers Polonius an ass on several counts: he's tedious (an ass), trying to act like he cares about Hamlet (an ass),and he's a meddling fool (big ass). See ,I was right. When you have to explain the joke it's just not funny anymore. Hamlet follows his

punning up with his crisp allusion to Jephthah . (An allusion is a reference to a famous person, event, or incident that helps make anauthor's point clearer. Unfortunately as you read Shakespeare his allusions don't make anything clearer. In the Old Testament book of Judges, Jephthah loses his daughter because he acts stupidly. As a bit of foreshadowing , this allusion suggests that Polonius throughhis actions will lose his daughter. Should I tell you now? You know the answer already. This is a tragedy.

However, it might be fun (only English teachers think this way) to do a paper about how the allusions "work" in the play. Not all of them but maybe a half dozen or so. )

Those Elizabethans were really smart to be able to recognize all those references or maybe not. Maybe that explains Hamlet'scomments to the players on a play he saw once:

I heard thee speak me a speech once, but itwas never acted, or, if it was, not above once; for the play, I remember, pleased not the million;'twas cariary to the general. But it was (as Ireceived it, and the others whose judgments in suchmatters cried in the top of mine) an excellent play,

What's the resolution here. Hamlet has an idea after watching the players. Perhaps the troop might put on a little production of Hamlet's design. A play that follows the details of how Claudius killed Hamlet. If plays have power then this one might moveClaudius to betray himself and Hamlet will know the ghost he saw and heard told a true tale. Perhaps that Wittenberg education is

paying off.

Act III

scene I

Claud is concerned. Something is rotten in the state of Hamlet but what is it? He's reserved not blabbing to his friends Guild and Rozfor one. See, Hamlet is following the advice Polonius gave to Laertes and Hamlet didn't even hear it.

However, he does want Claud and Gert to see a little play. We know what's coming don't we. Now for the big plan. Time to looseOphelia to Hamlet so Claud and Pol can hide and observe. How will this be done. Ophelia will pretend to be reading her Bible so thatwith "devotion's visage/And pious action we do sugar o'er/the devil himself." Or we make the bad look good thorough pretense.(Some of Macbeth 's fair is foul, foul is fair here)

And do we get a hint that perhaps Claud has a guilty conscience about something? "O 'tis too true!/How smart a lash that speech dothgive my/conscience./The harlot's cheek beautied with plast'ring art/Is not more ugly to the thing that helps it/Then is my deed to mymost painted word./O heavy burden."

Oops. Here is the big speech. The one most likely to be assigned as a memorization project: "To be or not to be." Basically it would benice to die and stop the pains of life but since we don't know for sure what's on the other side we usually choose to live. Sort of better the devil you know then the devil you don't. Hey, there's Ophelia. What's up Babe?

Ham. I have presents received from you but I don't think you meant them so take them back/

What are you talking about?

Why your letters and stuff and. . .

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Now you ask why does Hamlet treat Ophelia so badly. Because while it doesn't say so in any stage direction in the text (boo Bill) it isassumed Pol and Claud give their location away somehow and Hamlet knows he's being set up. That's why such questions as "are youhonest," and "where's your father." Or if our assumption is incorrect then maybe Hamlet's just nuts period.

Poor Ophelia is devastated. "Get thee to a nunnery" indeed. Again nice play on words. She is reading her Bible so convent like image but a nunnery was also Elizabethan slang for a house of ill-repute. Hamlet is calling Ophelia a ho. Bad Hamlet.

Claud may not have a Whittenberg education but he doesn't think this sounds like love talk. Perhaps a nice sea voyage. A trip toEngland maybe. Yes, that's it, let's get him out of the country because "Madness in great ones must not unwatched go."

scene ii

I covered the beginning of this scene in earlier notes so shame on you if you were too lazy to read them. To catch up. Horatio, keep aneye on Claudius as the play progresses. If he reacts then we know the truth. If he doesn't then "It is a damned ghost that we have seen."I don't know about the logic of this plan. what would happen if Claudius were a really good villain who could control his emotions.This is not a great plan. Hercule Poriot would be more clever.

Let's get on with it. This is a long play. We have some more word play between Pol and Hamlet but the good stuff is the word play between Ham and Ophelia: "Lady, shall I lie in your lap?/No, my lord./I mean my head upon your lap?/Ay, my lord./Do you think Imeant country matters?/I think nothing my lord./That's a fair thought to lie between maid's legs." If you can't figure this pun out thenyou shouldn't be reading Shakespeare. There's another play on words a little later on about being pregnant and how you get so. Findthat if you can.

Finally the play begins. Well actually the acting part begins. There was a pantomime (the dumb show) of the action taking place butapparently Claud didn't see it but now he's all ears. Anyway this player king and queen say how much they love one another and willalways be true and faithful and can you see where this is going. Claud can because he asks if the play has any offense in it. Basically,you don't put on plays that get kings upset.

Hamlet says not to worry. Nothing offensive in it. It's called the Mousetrap and tells about a murder in Vienna but its story "touches usnot," because "we have free souls." Well the play continues and guess what: it has offense in it. Claud gets upset. Even Horatio has toagree the ghost has given them a smoking gun or at least a smoking play.

And here come R and G to let Ham know Claud is smoking and the queen would like a few words with her son. Also they would likeHamlet to tell them what's bothering him. Hamlet decides enough of this and hands the boys a flute and tells them play. Guess what.They cannot, they don't have the skill. At which point Hamlet says then why do they try to play him, isn't he more complex than asimple flute. This is a nice analogy. Bill is back in our good graces.

Hamlet is off to see mom. What will happen next.

scene iii

Its the G and R and Claud show. Hamlet's got to go. I will send him to England with you boys, now get out of here. Polonius what dowant? Going to hide behind another arras are you. Fine, you do that. Good-bye. Alone at last. But alone with my thoughts and I did it.I killed my brother and I sleep with his queen. Is it too late for me? Can I pray and find forgiveness? "Bow stubborn knees."

Here come Hamlet right down Kill the King And Revenge My Father Lane but. There is always a but especially if we're only in ActIII. If I kill Claud now while he prays his soul goes to heaven. Is that revenge? No. Better to kill him when he's in the act of sleepingwith mom then he'll go to Hell. Off I go then.

IRONY TIME. What does Claud say? "My words fly up, my thought remain below/Words without thoughts never to heaven go."

Should have killed him.

scene iv

Polonius gets around quite well for an older fellow. He beats Hamlet to his mother's room and gets himself tucked away. And herecomes Hamlet.

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Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended.

Mother, you have my father much offended.

Nice word play. Now Hamlet decides it's time for Mom to look inside at who she is and he tell s her she's to sit down and not moveuntil Hamlet puts a mirror in front of her in which she is to seek for her real self. Now all of a sudden Gert starts off with, "What . . .Thou wilt not murder me?" What is she talking about? Is she afraid of mirrors? Anyway Polonius hears murder and yells out for help

and Hamlet helps him--die that is. No here's a scene. With dead body at their feet, Hamlet begins to yell at his mother for havingmarried Claudius. How do you go from a god (Hamlet, Sr.) to a mildewed ear (Claudius). It couldn't have all been lust. Gertude isn'texactly flaming youth you know. No doubt Hamlet would have ranted at mom some more but the ghost shows up. The ghost is a bitmiffed. This should be Claudius lying dead at their feet not Polonius. So the ghost tells Hamlet to comfort mom and get on withkilling dad. Mom is a bit shook up about now. She has a corpse at her feet and her son is talking to the empty air. Help.

Suddenly. What's wrong mom? Little bit of understatement there. Listen mother. Repent your marriage, go not to that bed of compostagain, or accept any reechy kisses. Nice images. As for me, I'm off to England with G and R my trustworthy boyhood chums. Well,we'll see how this plays out because I trust those two like "adders fanged." I know they work for Claud but I'm smarter than they and"will delve one yard below their mines/And blow them at the moon." But immediately pardon me as I "lug the guts into the neighbor room" and make a bad rhyme on grave and knave; and then with blood and guts and crazy talk I conclude this interview with, "Goodnight, mother."

Good night. Good grief.

Act IV

scene i

Can you believe R and G are still hanging with Claudius. Go away. Gert wants a few words with Claud. Words about what? Well hehas to learn Polonius is dead doesn't he? He does and decides that's it. G and R, go find Polonius's body, bring it to the chapel and Gertand I will tell people what's happened?

scene ii

Enter R and G who want the body but Hamlet wants to play Catch The Mad Prince with his two friends of sponge. I'll let you figure

that one out. Off he goes and here comes Claud with some couturiers.

We (I, Claudius) have a problem. Hamlet has got to go but I cannot do much because "He's loved of the distracted multitude/Who likenot in their judgment, but their eyes." Popularity is the real king and don't forget it. But wait its, yes, G and R and Hamlet.

"Where's Polonius?/At Supper./At supper where?/ Not where he eats, but where he is eaten. A certain convocation of politic wormsare e'en at him." Yummy.

Hamlet, you're going to England for a little trip. Your not well, Polonius is dead and a sea voyage will clear up those sinuses. And (anaside worth listening to) there you will be put to death. Ha. Ha. Ha. Claudius gets the last laugh. We'll see.

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scene iv

Fortinbras. Who remembers him? What's he doing here. Do we really need another scene. Isn't this play long enough? No, Bill has areason. Got to comment on the nature on man and the character of Hamlet.

As to the nature of man. Where is Fortinbras going? To fight over some worthless piece of mud in Poland not worth a penny. Should be easy. Who would defend a worthless piece of land. The Poles have already fortified it. (This is not a ethnic joke) So that's it. Wekill ourselves over nothing. Go, Bill, go.

As to the character of Hamlet. Here these guys go marching off to their doom because they're told to. They have no love for theassignment but follow their duty. Me. I have a father to avenge and I sit on my hands doing nothing. Well, I did come up with a neat

play and accidentally killed Polonius and have managed to get mom's nerves a glow. Am I a coward? Well we still have a number of scenes to go to find out? Sorry but this is a tragedy so we have to include the serious stuff.

scene v

Remember the foreshadowing about Polonius losing his daughter. Well, she's been lost. He's dead and she is quite mad. What else cango wrong? Well for a start the people are upset, Polonius was buried without proper ceremony befitting his station, Laertes hasreturned from France and it said to be somewhat angry about his dad's deplorable demise, and the mob is following Laertes anddemanding he be king.

And guess who's knocking at the gate: Laertes and he wants his father. Bad timing. Just as Claudius begins to calm Laertes down herecomes Ophelia passing out flowers, singing songs, recognizing no one including her brother. Claudius decides he'd better tell Laerteswhat's happened and where Hamlet is or Laertes may take his anger out on innocent people like Claudius.

scene vi

Horatio gets a letter from Hamlet. Can you believe this. On his way to England Hamlet's ship was attacked by pirates. In the battleonly one person got trapped on the pirate ship: Hamlet. Guess what? The pirates like him, they really like him. As for R and G theysailed on to England. I don't know. Sounds like Bill is getting sloppy here. A bit to contrived.

scene vii

OK, Claud tell me what happened and why Hamlet didn't stand trail or anything.

Well Laertes, it's like this. Gertrude, the lady I'm married to, loves her son. If I off Hamlet I lose the lady. Then the people still likehim, they really like him. I guess Hamlet is just personality plus. EQ is about him. (You know EQ is the new book about how it's moreimportant than IQ to succeed in life. Sure.)

So. No father and a mad sister and no revenge.

Not quite. "You shortly shall hear more./I loved your father, and we love ourself,/And that, I hope, will teach you to imagine . . . " butwhat do you guys want? Letters? Letters from who? Oh, Hamlet. HAMLET! What's he doing here, how'd he get here, what'shappening?

Laertes, listen to me. If he's really back don't worry. "I will work him/To an exploit, now ripe in my device,/Under the which he shallnot choose but fall;/And for his death no wind of blame shall breathe,/But even his mother shall uncharge the practice/And call itaccident."

What's the plan. Now hold on dear reader because this one is a doozy. First, Claud reminds Laertes of the French horseman--ok, ok ok , so it was a Norman-- who was visiting Denmark. Anyway this horseman, Lamond (remember the name for a really sneaky quizquestion), gave Laertes rave reviews for skill as a swordsman. (I always wondered if he was referring to another type of sword-"thinkaboutit.") To the point, Hamlet was angered to hear someone boast about Laertes' skill and wanted nothing more than to"wish and beg / Your sudden coming o'er, to play with him." Wow, that sounds a bit risque. Claudius' point is that since Hamlet is noswordsman, Claudius will arrange for Hamlet and Laertes to have a contest which Laertes of course will win. But the real point of the

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contest is to provide Laertes an opportunity to kill Hamlet. How? I'm glad you asked. Laertes' sword will be unbated (no blunt on thetip but rather it will be sharp) and therefore with a thrust or two, "pass of practice," you will kill him and satify your revenge. This hascertainly been a pointed conversation.

Now Laertes gets into the spirit of the enterprise--no, not the space ship--and tells Claudius that he will "annoint" the tip of the swordwith an "unction of a mounteback" or in other words poison the sword so a mere scratch will cause death. What, these people justcarried this stuff around with them in case an opportunity arose?

Claudius is impressed but adds just in case Hamlet gets thirsty during the match, he will be offered a poisoned drink.

Gee, doesn't any of this tip Laertes off that Claudius is a sneak and shouldn't be trusted. Ah, but Laertes isn'y exactly a choir boy is he?But wait, now what. Ophelia's dead. Drowned herself. Depressed over dead dad, departed dear heart, and fact departed dear heart(that's Hamlet) did dad down and dirty, she done did herself.

Let's cut Laertes some slack. How much can we expect of him?

Act V

scene I

To open up with a visual pun says something about Shakespeare. A visual pun you ask. It's a gravedigger. Not only does he did graves but he is not a " grave"digger. . Look it up. The humor here stands in juxtaposition to the situation. How funny is a burial, particularlyOphelia's. Let's enjoy some Elizabethan jocularity (that a joke, son, a joke). Adam was the first man who "bore arms," meaning he hada coat of arms. How do we know this? "The scripture says Adam/digged. Could he dig without arm?" Oh, my aching sides. What awonderful pun on arms. Ha. Ha. Ha. No mas. No mas .

Wait. How about a riddle. "Who builds stronger than /either the mason, the shipwright, or the carpenter?" "The gallows-maker; for that frame outlives a thousand tenants." No that's not it. I know! I know! The "grave maker. The houses he makes lasts till doomsday."What wild and crazy guys these Elizabethan were. Good. Here comes Hamlet. I'm sure he'll bring some real humor to the scene. No.I'm wrong. He's just going off on some philosophical meandering about humankind and the end that awaits us all regardless of life'scircumstances.

"That skull had a tongue in it and could sing once. . . ." Or it could be the skull of a "courtier . . . ." "There's another. Why may not that be the skull of a lawyer . . . . Why does he suffer this mad knave now to knock him about . . . and wil l not tell him of the action of battery."

Enough of this serious musing. Word play. Word play.

What man dot thou dig it (the grave) for?

For no man sir.

What woman then?

For none, neither.

Who is to be buried in 't?

One that was a woman, sir, but, rest her soul, she's dead.

That audience must have been rolling in the pit by now. Anymore subtle digs like those and I won't be able to hit the keyboard. But it'snot over. It seems this gravedigger began his craft the day young Hamlet was born. The very Hamlet who was sent to England becausehe was mad. Why England? Because there he won't stand out because "There the men are as mad as he." I can't go on. I'm too weak from laughter. You'll just have to learn on your own whose body will keep the longest in the grave.

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Here's a familiar skull. Yorick the jester. This guy must have had one interesting head such that his skull is so easy to identify.Anyway serious turn. Look at what happened to the lips I used to kiss says Hamlet. No grinning now, too chapfallen. (I don't believeit, another belly buster snuck in). Women, learn your lesson. No matter how you trowel on the makeup this is what you will come to.Don't forget to read to discover how Alexander the Great came to be a stopper in a beer barrel or how Julius Caesar turned into a wall

patch; but we must pause for here come the king, queen, Laertes, lords, and a corpse.

The Doctor is here to preside solemnly over the proceedings as "Her obsequies have been far enlarged As we have warranty." I onlyinclude this because of the word obsequies . When you read or will read Huckleberry Finn there is an entire seen that works on your knowing this scene from Hamlet . Now you'll know it and be smart.

Onward. Ophelia is to be buried. Unfortunately since she took her own life there will be no big ceremony. Laertes is upset his sister is being so ill buried. The queen is sad as she had hoped Ophelia and Hamlet would have married. Well, duh, where was she with thisnews at the beginning of the play. Polonius would probably still be here. Good job Gertrude.

Laertes can't bear his grief and jumps into the grave to hold his sister and tells them above to bury them both the "quick and the dead."Oh. but look. Here comes Hamlet his heart breaking. This is enough to raise Laertes from the grave (he jumps out of it) and he greetsHamlet with firm shake of hands. "I prithee take thy fingers from my throat." Sorry, I guess Laertes mistook the throat for hands.

Separated from each other Hamlet announces he loved Ophelia more than forty thousand brothers good. If Laertes is willing to be buried alive with his sister than so to is Hamlet. Why Laertes don't you understand. "I loved you ever." OK, so I accidentally killedyour father and drove your sister to madness then suicide; is that enough of a reason to be so angry with me? Hamlet isn't mad, he'sstupid.

Well Claudius tries to comfort Laertes at the end by reminding him of the plan for Hamlet's death they spoke about a few scenes ago.A grave ending.

scene ii

Say what about Guild and Roz? What's with them. On the way to England, Hamlet picked R and G's packet and read the sealed letter they were taking to the King. Guess what. It wasn't a letter of introduction but instructions to chop off Hamlet's head. all rightClaudius. Proof. Hamlet has the original letter. Then what did G and R give to the king in England? A new commission written byHamlet instructing the king to put the bearers of the letter to immediate death not even allowing them time to make their peace withGod. Jeeze, and these were his boyhood buddies. What does this tell us about the nature of princes and future kings?

You say but how did Hamlet seal his letter. Wouldn't you know he had his father's signet ring with him and that was that. See, futurekings are prepared for anything.

Anyhow, Hamlet still has Claud to take care of--"He that hath killed my king and whored my mother,/Popped in between th' electionand my hopes,/Thrown out his angle for my proper life . . ."--and Laertes to make up with. Good luck there but enter Osric. DoesHamlet like Osric or respect him--"Dost know this waterfly"--what do you think?

Osric has come to invite Hamlet to a engage in a contest with Laertes using rapier and dagger. More word play and blah, blah, blah toget us to the Horatio's belief "You will lose, my lord." Not so says Hamlet. "Since he (Laertes) went to France, I have been incontinual practice. I shall win . . . ." but I do have some strange misgivings about this contest coming at this strangest of times musesHamlet. But Hamlet has become somewhat of a fatalist: If it be now, 'tis not to come; if it be not to come, it will be now; if it be notnow, yet it will come. The readiness is all." Or whatever will be will be. Heavy.

Here comes everybody. Laertes, says Hamlet, I'm sorry. Hamlet, says Laertes, so you say. Hey guys, says Claudius, lets get going. I've placed a pretty big bet on Hamlet even though the odds favor Laertes but that's the kind of guy I am. And I have wine here for youguys to drink as you get thirsty. I don't know about you but giving guys fighting with rapier and dagger booze as refreshment, doesn'tsound kosher to me. Was there no MAD back then? Wait, Hamlet was mad, wasn't he, so does that count?

They start and the first to score a hit is--Hamlet. He has been practicing. Surprise. As a reward Claudius picks up a goblet, drinks toHamlet's victory, and drops a pearl in the goblet as an inducement for Hamlet to finish the drink. And what do we think that pearl wascoated in boys and girls? Could it have been poison? But Hamlet says he'll hold off till the next round BUT Gertrude goes over to mopHamlet's brow and decides to down the wine herself.

DON'T DRINK GERTRUDE, says Claudius but she does. Now if you were Laertes wouldn't you wonder what was going on? Maybehis grief blinds his common sense. Wait, Laertes does begin to think--"it is almost against my conscience" to go along but Hamlet getswounded with the poisoned rapier and then Hamlet attacks Laertes. Rapiers are dropped. When picked up Hamlet has the deadlyrapier and wounds Laertes. Then the queen falls to the floor. THUD 1. I am poisoned, the drink, the drink. Who , what? Hamlet, yells

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Laertes, I too am dead and so are you. The king is guilty. THUD 2. Hamlet turns on the king and stabs him then forces the poisonedwine down his throat. THUD 3. Horatio, I am dead. THUD 4. I can't live without my buddy. Let me drink the last of the poison, saysHoratio. What a pal. NO! says Hamlet. Someone has to stay behind to tell the tale.

Enter Fortinbras back from Poland. Good timing. But guess what. In come the English ambassadors to let Claudius know Roz andGuild are dead. THUD 5 and THUD 6. (offstage of course but there are a lot of dead bodies on stage. Watch out for who step on). Doyou notice how all this has worked out for Fortinbras. He gets all the lost land back and gets to be king. You don't think he hadanything to do with this? Nah.

Lets end with a pun. "Bear Hamlet to the stage,/For he was likely, had he been put on,/To have proved most royal."

Get it. Hamlet the character and Hamlet the play. If he had become king he would have been great. If the play was put on it too would be great. Built in review. What a guy. What a play. What good notes!

Source : http://www.webcom.com/falcon/hamlet5.html

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Humourous Hamlet